All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e27 The Big Uranium Strike

Here I am!

But I must say I'm shocked, Miss Vasey.
Utterly shocked to think such a

worthwhile cause as these dances I run
for the morale of the American soldier,

our boys, should go unpublicized.

Mr. Bender says you get enough free
publicity after the dances with the

complaints from the suckers who went.

Well, that hurt.

I must say that hurt, Miss Vasey. If it
was your intention to hurt me, you've

done a bang -up job of it. Well, it's
easy to see. There's no sentiment

It's a commercial world.

Very well. I'll take an ad.

An ad? Oh, well, that's different. Now,
what are your rates?

$200 a page.

It comes to $1 .35 an inch. All right,
now, take this down.

Fun, fun, fun.

Sergeant Bilgo's eighth annual Hollywood
dance. Come one, come all, dance with

your favorite movie stars Saturday night
at the Fort Baxter Recreation Center.

All your stars will be there.

Marilyn Monroe, Lana Turner, Ava
Gardner, Susan Hayward, Gina Lola,

They'll all be there if they can make
it.

That's good. Now you got it all, that'll
bring them in fine.

Uh, how much space do you want?

One inch.

One inch?

You can't get all this in one inch.
Well, let's not, let's not crack up.

prune it down. It's very simple.

Let me see, what do I cut?

Oh,

they'll come if they can make it. If
they can make it. Cut that out, that'll

save us some space. Give me a red
borderline around it and that'll feature

the page.

Promising all those movie stars. We
can't run a misleading advertisement.

Misleading advertisement? Miss Basie,
let me assure you, I have written to

star on that list. And I might tell you
that each one of them has answered me.

Well, what did they say?

Oh, that's going to be the highlight of
the dance when I open the letters.

Really, Sergeant Bilbo? Well, look,
you're becoming... Please, please, let's

fall apart. We'll change a lot of things
if it's too long.

Gina Lola Brigitte will take that out.

Oh, this is going to kill Doberman.

I'll work on it. I'll fix it up.

This way, everybody. In here, please.

Outside, please, Miss Basie. But, Mr.
Bender... Outside, please, and lock the

door. Mr. Bender, if you think you can
keep the fact that we found uranium on

Mr. and Mrs. Harris' farm... Now, look,
this is a scoop. If we can just keep it

quiet till my paper comes out on Monday.

Okay. All right, wonderful. Now, I want
a picture of the presentation of the

check. All right. All right, now, I want
a nice close -up.

All right, good. Now, remember,
everybody happy. Remember, it's for $10

So, smile.

Bigger smile.

Brenda, believe me, I didn't hear a
thing. Good.

This Harris farm, that adjoins Fort
Baxter, doesn't it? Don't go.

May I have a few details for my story,
please? Oh, yes, of course.

We get indications, Geiger indications,
of uranium coming down to here and

coming out here.

And all this area in the middle. That's
Fort Baxter, 2 ,500 acres. Who can get

on that?

Yeah, who?

Mr.

Huff, I'd like to speak to you a minute.
Yes.

Now watch yourself, Huff.

I know Bilko. He'll have your Geiger
counter before you leave.

Hey, it's a Geiger counter.

You woke us up in the middle of the
night to show us a Geiger counter?

Let's get one thing straight right away.

This is purely and simply a volunteer
operation.

If there are any of you men who do not
wish to become millionaires in a few

weeks, you're free to go. The door goes
both ways. There'll be no... What is it,

sir? What's the deal, sir? All right.
Now, listen.

I'll tell you what the deal is.

It means a million dollars apiece.

It's always a million dollars. Why isn't
it just a hundred thousand? So when it

falls through, we don't lose so much.

The door.

Now, this map... First element,
Sergeant. I got to go on guard duty.

only take a minute. Now, men, this is it
in a nutshell.

Somewhere on Fort Baxter is one of the
largest uranium deposits in the country.

Uranium? Uranium. So what? It's got my
property in it.

Not after we get it condemned and buy it
up at public auction at a few cents an

acre.

Don't worry, I've been working on this
all afternoon. Are you sure?

Now look, during the night, somebody's
got to carry this Geiger counter on

square inch. Every square inch of Fort
Baxter until this starts clicking.

the night? Yes.

They're sure going to get suspicious if
they see somebody walking around a post

in pitch dark with that strapped around
them. He could get shot by a guy on

guard duty.

Not if this thing is being carried by
the guy on guard duty.

George, why does it always have to be
me? Why is it you? Because you're the

heart of the platoon. Stop that on him.
And because if this was stopped, anybody

else would look suspicious.

It would sag. I knew one more thing
sagging. What difference does it make?

Oh, it's nothing against you. It's your
personality that counts. Now, look.

I want you during the night to cover
every inch. And when that thing starts

click, throw your bayonet into the
ground.

Raise your right hand and say, I claim
this land in the name of Sergeant Ernest

Bilko and the men of the 3rd Platoon
Company B Mining Corporation.

I claim this land... All right, go.

Go, Columbus, and find us a new land.

Then that'll take them about two hours.
Two hours?

Relish these two hours, gentlemen. It's
your last two hours among the have

-nots. Yeah.

I can't understand it.

Saturday night, not a light in Bilko's
barracks. Not a sound. It's midnight,

John. Two hours after light's out.

I still can't believe it that those are
crickets out there and not the clicking

of a Bilko crap game.

Good night, John.

Good night, dear.

Ah, so quiet.

So peaceful.

I wonder what he's up to.

Sarge, it's four o 'clock.

He's been gone four hours. I knew he'd
get lost in that pit stop.

Dillingham, Kodowski, fan out over the
whole area. Combat scout procedure. Find

him. Sarge, sit. They found Doberman.
They got him? Come here.

Doberman. Doberman. Did you find him?
Did you find him?

It's too much for me. He's overcome. Get
me that brandy bottle from the survival

kit. Doberman, did you find it? Can you
tell us?

Does it start with a U?

Where did you find it? Show us on the
map. Point to it with your nose. Where?

Give me that brandy. Here.

You all right?

Okay? Uh -huh. Can you talk to us now?

You got something to tell us? Tell us.

Sarge, my feet hurt.

Feet hurt?

That's a sneaky way to get a drink of
brandy. Now, listen.

You get back out there. What are you,
Sarge? Sarge, you'll only get lost

It's impossible, Sarge. All right,
quiet.

There's one way to do this. We got to do
it like a military operation. You

understand? Hey.

Can you fix him up so we can spot him at
every time? Sure. You can do that.

Good. I want you to arrange him that
way. Now, look, Kodowski and you, get in

that jeep, get to the signal car, and
bring me every type of signal equipment

you can get. On the double. And the rest
of you guys will all be in observation

posts. I'll run the whole detail.

At all moments, all eyes, right on
Doberman.

It was a jeep, without lights.

Oh, it's probably the corporal of the
guard.

Yes, I suppose so.

John, don't be so edgy.

I'm sorry, dear.

It's so peaceful, so quiet, I can't
sleep.

All right, let's try it.

Good. Palmer, you're a genius.

I just hooked a look to the activator.

So when the Geiger counter starts
clicking, the light will flash. And the

they made about Edison, huh?

Now, look. It's all in your hands. We're
going to keep in constant

communication. Be sure and use your
walkie -talkie, all right?

Pointing them the way to go. All you
guys, observation point. Go on.

Paparelli, stand by. Stand by,
Paparelli. On the roof. Watch it. He's

Alert all posts. Attention all posts.
Attention all posts. He's just left the

barracks. Attention all mobile units.
Attention. He has left.

Keep him in constant observation.

The minute that light goes on, swoop
down on him.

Bilko to Doberman. Bilko to Doberman.

Doberman to Bilko.

All right, now listen. We got you
pinpointed on the map.

Now, you should be approaching the rifle
pits.

Sergeant, I can't see a thing.

Never mind.

Just pay attention to directions. Now,
start zigzagging, which should bring you

to the parade grounds. Can you see the
parade grounds?

No, too many trees.

Too many trees?

Trees on the parade grounds? He's lost.

Listen, we lost you. Now, wait a second.
There's something wrong here. Now,

we're going to pinpoint you again. We'll
start you over.

All right. Now, tell me, where are you?

I'm right here.

Here? Where is here? Where?

Here.

Listen, dopamine.

You still got the rifle?

Yeah. All right. Is the safety click
off?

Safety is off, Sarge. All right. Now,
aim the rifle in the center of your

forehead. Fine. I'll do it.

He knows I'm kidding.

Now look, we're going to start you all
over again.

Should I put the rifle down, Sarge?

Wait a minute, Sarge. Look, he said he
saw some trees. Look over here alongside

of Hanson's Creek. See in the bivouac
area?

Attention, Doberman. Now listen to me
closely. You're in the direction of

Hanson's Creek.

Stay away from there. Danger. Stay away
from Hanson's Creek.

Now, to the left.

Ten paces. You should run right into the
corner of the parade ground.

Ten paces left.

I heard a splash.

What is it?

I heard a splash. Wait a minute. He fell
in.

Doberman. Listen. Doberman.

Australian club. One, two, three, kick.

One, two, three, kick.

Attention. All emergency units.

Ambulances. Right over to Hanson Street.
Get them out of there. Get them out.

Post seven. You're the closest.

Send up flares. Send up flares.

Attention. If you lose each other, fire
rifles into the air to relocate each

other.

does that look like? A firefly?

Get me the corporal of the guard.

Corporal, get me the man on guard duty.

Doberman, Bilko's man. Send me Bilko,
too. I knew he was involved in this.

The way you jump to conclusions about
that. Nice Sergeant Bilko. I'll handle

this now.

Come in.

Can I go out?

Sir, it's nice of you to ask me to drop
in, sir. Never mind. Give me a

commanding officer who takes time out to
chat with the enlisted man, sir.

Philco, what's been going on out there?
Well, I... Oh, I beg your pardon, miss.

Who is this pretty young thing?

Oh, Colonel, if your wife ever finds
out... Philco, not now.

Oh, bless my soul. It is Mrs. Hall and
the fuss they make about Grace Kelly.

Oh, you'd better watch out. They'll
start calling you Prince, you know.

Oh, well, take it in the bedroom now. If
it's a man, I'll keep him occupied.

Bilko! She's a lot of fun.

Bilko, what's been going on?

Ambulances? Gunfire?

Flares? Oh, you noticed it, sir.

Did I notice it? No wonder the army can
sleep safely at night with a commanding

officer alert to all details, sir.
Bilko, let's have it.

Sir, I'm guilty.

Guilty of having a conscience, sir.

You? A conscience?

Yes, sir. You see, I went over the
records for the past eight years, sir.

been goofing off on night maneuvers, and
I'm making it all up tonight, sir.

Bilko!

It's four o 'clock in the morning.

John, it's General Bufkin at Camp
Crowley. He saw the flares.

He wonders if you need any help.

General Bufkin? How can I explain it?
Well, just tell him we made a mistake in

the calendar. We thought it was the
Chinese New Year, so... Stop! Where were

you? Colonel wanted to see him. Oh, yes.
We have a way of dealing with soldiers

who go for midnight swims. I'll take
care of this, Colonel.

You're a bad soldier, but... Where were
you?

Slash my feet! Stop with the feet!

You better get out of here before the
colonel sees you. If he looks at you,

he'll think the flying saucers have
landed.

You know where the kitchen door is? Get
out the kitchen door, through the back

way, back to the barracks. I'm a double.

Quiet.

I heard it.

Come back this way.

To the basement. That's where the
uranium is. Under the basement.

We're rich, we're rich.

Say it softly with me.

We're rich, we're rich.

Oh, I knew it would happen like this. In
the dead of night with a stalwart

companion at my side.

Let's hear it again.

Did you hear that, Doberman? It was
playing our song.

Now, look.

Keep this quiet just to the guys in the
back. Sign a double. Out the kitchen

door. Don't let anybody see you. Tell
the guys to be alerted with picks and

shovels. Sign a double. Right.

Sir?

What was that bleeping?

Bleeping. Yes, that bleeping.

I didn't want to tell you, sir.

Termites.

Termites? Yes, the entire house is
infested with them, sir.

I'm going to see Captain Shaw the first
thing in the morning and get this place

condemned and sold to the public
auction.

Condemned? What the public don't know
won't hurt them, sir.

They've been rooking us long enough,
don't you think? We'll condemn this

build you a new place up on Observatory
Hill.

Or ranch house. Or I'll see you in the
ranch. It's perfect for you, your wife,

beloved. With a big wagon wheel on the
lawn, sir.

Lariants hanging out on the lawn. It's
for you, sir. A horse and a man that

rides in.

Area 81. It's incredible.

You want me to condemn Area 81 because
of termites? Why, yes, sir. It's very

dangerous for the guts where the, you
know... Well, that section includes the

colonel's house.

The colonel... Oh, I must hurry and warn
him, sir. Bilko. Why, sir, there may be

nothing left for the colonel's button.
Bilko, are you insane?

Well, sir, I read in the... I read in
the army manual there was a Camp Harlow,

sir. Oh, that. It was evacuated
overnight, but it was condemned.

Yes, they discovered it was sinking into
quicksand. That was something else.

Quicksand. Oh, that is something else.

Well, sir, I must reassure the Colonel.
Thank you, sir.

Yes, Captain. The bridge game is on as
usual.

See you.

Come in.

Colonel Hall, sir. What is it, Booker? I
have some very reassuring news, sir. I

came from Captain Shaw. He assures me
there are no termites in this house.

No termites, sir? Yes, the one thing
termites will stay away from, sir, and

that's quicksand.

It slipped out, so I didn't want you to
know. There it goes. It's sagging, sir.

What's the matter? Nothing. Forget
anything I said, sir. I don't... Isn't

unusual, sir? What is? Nothing, sir.

It usually goes straight down.

Sir, wasn't this once a two -story
house?

Wilco, are you all right? Oh, yes.

Just worried about you and your beloved
wife, sir. And believe me, if anything

goes wrong, run up to the roof, sir.

Ring this bell. My men are elated, sir.
Ring this bell? And please, sir, no

false heroics. I know how you are.
You'll want to go down with the house.

Don't do it, sir.

We need you here, sir.

Bill, you need a rest. No, sir. A rest
when you're in danger, sir. I have my

alerted. There are trucks who evacuate
you in 20 minutes, sir. Nonsense.

We'll get everything. All we want is you
out of the house. So...

The basement. Bilko, this is Sunday.
This is my bridge night. I don't leave

house. But, sir, we just need a few
hours in the basement. I don't leave the

house. But, sir, it's for your own... I
don't leave the house.

You don't leave the house, sir.

I know that. You. You never leave the
house.

Hello, Camp Crowley. This is Sergeant
Bilko at Fort Baxter. Let me talk to

commanding officer, General Buffkin.

You got the picks and shovels? Right,
sir. Look, Sarge, we can't dig in the

colonel's basement while him and his
wife are in the house. Please, please.

colonel and his wife are going out
tonight.

General Buffkin, sir, this is Sergeant
Bilger with Fort Baxter, with the

mind calling Colonel Hall and telling
the colonel when the colonel and his

are expected at your house for dinner
tonight.

Dinner tonight?

Hold on, Sergeant.

Elsie! Yes, my dear?

You know this is my night to bowl. You
didn't tell me that you invited the

for dinner tonight.

The Halls for dinner tonight?

Yes. Oh, dear, did I forget?

Oh, you always forget.

Thank you, Sergeant. I'll let him know.

Now we're stuck with the halls.

He'll insist on doing his barnyard
imitations again.

Sometimes I wonder.

Hello?

General Bufkin?

Say, Jack, is 7 .30 all right?

Fine.

7 .30?

Yes, we'll serve dinner at 8.

Dinner? Excuse me a minute, General.

Nell?

You didn't tell me the Buffkins expected
us for dinner tonight.

You know this is my bridge night.

Dinner? Yes, and he'll start insisting
on my doing those barnyard imitations

again.

Elsie did mention our getting together,
but... But we're stuck.

7 .30? Fine, we'll be there.

Well, glad you remembered.

Remembered? Why, we've been looking
forward to it for weeks.

Dress uniform?

Of course.

Dress uniform.

All the nice to have to go to the
Popkins.

Come in.

Sir, that car is waiting.

Magnificent, sir.

Magnificent. Why, in France, your tailor
would be knighted, sir.

Honestly, I would have liked a belt in
the back. It would have been... Oh, turn

off that beauty. It's too much.

Let's go now. Go and have fun. Have lots
of fun. And remember, right to the

General's house. No stopping in Lover's
Lane.

Don't worry, I'll lock up. Have fun.

know what to do.

I'll

pick

all these things up. What's the use,
Sarge?

Shut up. They're too close to quit now.
Close to what? We got a six -foot hole

and it's still concrete.

Hang that up.

All we need is a specimen of the dirt to
show Mr. Hoffman we're home.

Hello, construction call. Let me talk to
Sergeant Peterson.

Oh, hello, Sarge. This is Bilko.

I'm in a spot. I need some small
demolition charges. Dynamite looks like

got a six -foot hole in that basement.
Will you be quiet? This house is

practically condemned now.

You got him? Good. I'll send Rocco right
over for him. Look, Sarge, dynamite...

Pick me up some picks and shovels.

That's it,

boys. The minute that dynamite goes up,
boom!

And there it is. Right in our feet.

Uranium! A million dollars. A private
yacht. The Riviera.

Come on, come on.

Why,

John, you forgot to turn the lights off.
Who cares?

I'll call Captain Shaw and tell him the
bridge game is on again.

Oh, I think it's a shame that General
Butkin was called away so suddenly to

Washington, don't you?

Yes, isn't it?

Captain Shaw.

Look alive, you guys down there. Come
on, hustle at the turn. We'll be back

minute.

Hello, Sergeant Peterson. Did Bronco
get... Never mind. Come on, let's go.

Did you get it?

Move it, move it.

Move, move.

Now,

listen, you guys. Now, hear this.

We got all the demolition charges.
You've all got details.

Now, we gotta work fast.

We gotta put this over.

Wilco!

Hello, sir. You're back rather early,
aren't you?

Well... General, I know just what you're
thinking, sir. You do?

You're thinking, what did you do to
deserve this love and devotion from the

under you, sir? I am... Lovely, lovely.

Wilco!

Now, what's going on here?

Don't be alarmed. It's just a beating of
some hearts, anxious to please. That's

all. Bilko, I want to go know what's
going on in my basement.

Sir, it's just the expression of love
from the men under you, sir.

Bilko, I want to know what the men under
me are doing under me.

Oh, does he put words together? The men
under me doing under me. He is funny.

Quiet. He's funny.

Quiet.

Well, sir, I was going to keep this as a
surprise, but you might as well know

the men, as a token of their esteem for
you in their own time, Taking your

unfinished basement and turning it into
a game room, sir.

Game room?

Yes, sir. I know it doesn't seem like
much to you, but it is expression of

from all of us. I mean, are we rich? Can
we lay gold and silver at your feet?

No. All we can offer is the honest sweat
of our brows and these eager hands.

A meager gift, perhaps, but it's all we
have. All we have to show you our

extreme love and devotion to you.

John, that's the most beautiful...

I'll always remember this moment.

What is that? Oh, isn't it thrilling?

They're putting in the ping -pong table.

The ping -pong table? Yes, sir. You see,
they had to lower the basement quite a

few inches. You know, those overhand
smashes of yours, sir.

After all, it wouldn't look nice. A
commanding officer with no knuckles, you

know.

Belko? I'm going to play bridge, and
you're going to join us. Oh, sir, no,

men. The men need me, sir. That's an
order. But, sir, I look alive down

Let's not think too deep. We don't want
to give the colonel the bends.

Yes, they may run into that
radioactivity now. You may run into the

radioactivity because the colonel is
back.

Come on.

Radioactivity, sir?

Yes, the overalls. Yes, the overalls,
you know.

Sir, what overalls?

Well, I thought you knew.

During the war, they had some atomic
tests here. And they took the workmen's

overalls that had any radioactivity in
them and showed it on the Geiger tester

and buried them under 15 feet of
concrete.

It's your bid now.

One club.

Four spades.

Oops! Come on, it's all right, Corporal.
I know all about it. When will the

playroom be finished?

Playroom? Yeah, you know the playroom,
you know.

All you got to do is fill in the holes,
even out the panel, and, you know, get

the ping -pong table in. Ping -pong
table? Yes, the one we're getting from

Company A. Here, go. Come on, get...
What's that?

Oil? Yeah, that's what I've been trying
to tell you. Oil,

it's coming! Get back here.

Oh,

yes, sir. I thought while we're at it,
we'll give you a swimming pool.

Nothing like a nice dip after those
hours at the ping -pong table. Oh, I

they don't hit that pipeline.

Yes, they ran a pipeline of oil.

to the powerhouse. I can't remember when
I played three -handed bridge.

Yes, it's been years since we've played
with a dummy.

Colonel, you play him with one tonight.

Also on tonight's cast, Pope Sandsbury
appeared as Mrs. Paul.