All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e24 Miss America

I keep telling that bugle it'll never be
a hit.

and you should have been with us last
night at the snake pit. There was a dame

there just your size.

Yeah, I think she was a pro basketball
player.

Really, the way you all talk about
women, it's disgusting.

All right, you Romeos, let's go.

Formation. Sergeant Philco's got
something important to tell you.

needs though.

Attention all passengers.

Fasten your money belts.

Philco's coming in for a landing. All
right.

It never fails. Every morning I look at
you, right in here it gets me.

Yes, sir. My boys.

Gentlemen, it makes it all worthwhile
when I look at you. The planning, the

lonely nights I spend thinking of
diversions for your happiness.

At least a thousand times a day I think
of little things to make you happy. But

has any one of you ever thought to ask,
am I happy?

Is the sergeant happy? Just one lone
considerate voice asking me if I'm happy

just once?

Are you happy, Sergeant Bilko? No, and
I'll show you how you can make me happy.

Big mouth.

He asked.

You asked. All right, all right, quiet.

Paparelli asked me how he could make me
happy. I withdraw the question.

How small, Paparelli, how utterly small
of you.

Men, where have I failed you?

What have I done? At what point did this
beautiful relationship of give and take

of ours crack apart, gentlemen?

What have I done?

I'm referring to the sweetheart of the
platoon contest which ends today.

All I ask you to do is hand in a picture
of her girl to pin on our bulletin

board parade of beauty.

That's all.

Oh, plus the small ridiculous empty fee
of $10 to defray the cost of thumbtacks,

publicity, and various things.

And what happened? Nothing. Look.

Have we a parade of beauty up there?

Are your loved ones gazing down at us
now?

Because one, and only one, Private
Flashman.

He had the pride to enter his girl's
picture.

And there it stands, alone, up on the
bulletin board.

Unopposed. The winner. The sweetheart of
our platoon. Unless we have more

entries. Men, I want you to look at that
picture. Look at which I am.

Look what I am.

There it is, men. You've got to face it.
That is the winner.

That goes on record as sweetheart of
your platoon.

You want to have that represent?

No offense, Fleishman, she's a lovely
girl.

Now, man, there's another thing I ought
to point out to you. The winner of this

contest spends a weekend in the camp in
person. You're kidding. Oh, I'm not

kidding. Not kidding at all. She'll be
seen every place with you. At the mess

hall, she'll be eating alongside you.
Sir!

Oh, yes, and at the service club, you'll
be privileged to dance with her.

Dance with her? Yes. You'll be ordered
to dance with her. Oh, that doesn't...

You copy it. That's the spirit I want.
Copy it. Oh, she's lovely, Paparazzi.

Lovely. Check this. Here's my girl. Oh,
she's beautiful, Gomez. Here's my... Oh,

Doberman, where do you find her? Well,
Charlotte, my... Keep it moving, please.

Say, even you, Hannigan, are entering a
girl. Hey, boys, Hannigan's got a

sweetheart. I'll make you a picture of
his copy.

She's the most beautiful woman I ever
saw in my life.

Wow, wow. All right, we have business to
do. Come on, give me my money back. You

can keep my girl's picture. What? Me
too.

What is this? What? I can't serve my
girl. I haven't got a chance. Oh, come

fellas. Let's show the proper... There's
a big prize for second money. Come on,

fellas. Let's all... Don't let me down.
Listen, you. If I find out this is a

picture of a movie star that you latched
on charge... Josie's no movie star.

She's... Well, just my sweetheart.

Who? She's just my sweetheart.

Well, I'll see you later. Break up a
contest.

Sarge, I had 50 bucks right here in my
hand. You couldn't have a girl like the

rest of us.

Ordinary, plain.

Ugly. Yeah.

Hannigan has to come up with a Miss
America. Yeah, just when... What'd you

I said he has to... Oh, you're going to
apply for officer's training?

That's right. See you fellas later.
We'll talk about some jolly... Don't

I'm sorry.

See you later, fellas.

What'd you say? I said Miss America.

Now. Oh, come on, Sarge. Why not?

Why not? Why not what? Why not enter in
the Miss America contest?

The local paper, there it is right here.
They've been looking for an entry to

enter in the Miss Kansas finals, right?
Here we go again. We're back in Never

Never Land.

All right, don't get with the
wisecracks. Are we in such a high income

bracket we can afford to ignore
opportunity when it's knocking? I didn't

nothing. You didn't hear nothing? Well,
neither did Roger P. Hemsley hear

nothing. Who's Roger P. Hemsley? Who's
Roger P. Hemsley? It was he that many

years ago who said to a young man, he
said, young man, get that filthy black

stuff off my land.

The man he was talking to was John D.

Rockefeller.

Yeah, but Sarge, this is the Miss
America contest. The most beautiful

America. What have we got here, a
chipmunk?

And so I happened to be the one she
stopped them dead in their tracks.

Doberman said it's the most beautiful
woman he's ever seen in his life.

Doberman? He thinks I'm pretty.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Okay, we'll get an outside opinion.

Yeah, but Sarge, that's Hennigan's girl.
He might not like it.

Keep him on guard duty. Keep him out of
sight.

Where are you going? I'm going down to
see the editor of the paper, the guy

that's running the contest. We'll get a
civilian opinion.

Hey, fellas, get a load of this. What's
up?

The soldiers of Sergeant Bilko's platoon
are on the verge of fame and fortune.

Fame and fortune for us? He's trying to
suck us in on something.

We don't know what he's up to this time.

Watch out! Here he comes!

Remember, boys, whatever it is, ignore
it. Especially you, Paparelli, with the

big mouth.

Who's got a big mouth?

And therefore, gentlemen, as regarding
any further testimonials, we'll have to

fulfill our motion picture contracts
first.

Oh, hello, fellas. Something in the
paper, Venters? Nothing for us. Oh, I

thought I'd ask. Did you say something,
Paparelli? Not a wag.

Where was our contract?

Oh, yes. As far as the contract was
totaled up to a million dollars, I feel

we've... I can't go through with it. I
can't keep... These are my boys.

I have to... Fellas! I've got a hold of
something so big I can't keep it to

myself. Watch it!

He didn't say a word. All right, as long
as he didn't. Now my conscience is

clear about keeping them out of it. I
don't want... No, no, it's too late. Too

late. Maybe it is too big for him, huh?

Besides, it's here. There it is.

Fender, I need some advice from you,
Fender. You used to work in a tailor

didn't you?

Tell me something, Fender.

Can you visualize a girl filling this?

I'd say her measurements were about...

Hips, 35.

Waist, 21.

And the rest, uh, 36.

36?

Yes. Now, can you give me a piece of
advice? Will the girl with those

measurements fill now?

Please, Sarge, ask somebody else.

It's been so many years.

No, but you don't understand, fellas. I
need some advice. I can't ask a young

lady to get in a suit and then poof. It
would be very embarrassing.

Now, if you fellas would just give me
some advice, would you... Oh, I forgot.

You fellas are not in on this.

In on what?

Things are like this.

Hannigan's girl in that.

Presto. Miss Kansas.

Double presto.

Miss America.

Miss America?

Why don't you Hannigan should find out?
He'll never find out. I got him on

permanent car duty. Watch it, Hannigan.

Oh, Hannigan. Oh, listen, about the
drilling, fellas. We'll have to drill

little... Oh, hello, Hannigan. I was
just going to look for you. I wanted to

you something. You know the picture you
had in the contest?

The judges will want more information.

Like what?

Like how does she look in a bathing
suit?

Josie in a bathing suit?

Sergeant Bill calls somebody out up and
wash your mouth out with soap. I want

that picture back. Oh, I'm sorry. What
made me say that? How do I think of

things? A girl in a bathing suit. I'll
never forgive myself. I guess it's time

for another talk with the chaplain.
Women in bathing suits.

I wouldn't let Josie be seen in one. In
public?

Not for a million dollars. Not even for
a million.

Anger hadn't changed. This is a real
gentleman.

We should be proud to have him in our
platoon.

He's like a breath of fresh air. Believe
me, this type of integrity won't go

unnoticed. Formation. On the double.
Hey, I hear you.

On the double. Look at I.

Great detail.

Private Hannigan, turn us in on the
double. Yep.

You're assigned tonight guard duty at
the main gate. On the double. Here I am.

Private Mandelbaum's guarding the main
gate.

You guard Mandelbaum. On the double.
Look at I. Hey.

You've got to work fashion. See this?
You know what this is? This is Fort Knox

with curls.

You know what this will mean?

Miss America dolls.

Miss America cosmetics.

Miss America plastic do -it -yourself
surgery kits.

Everything. It's in our hands. A million
dollars, fellas.

A million dollars. Did you guys ever
stop to think about a million dollars

divided by... Oh, I keep forgetting.
They're not shareholders.

What do you mean shareholders, Doc?
Capital.

Capital, fellas. I'll put this over
right.

We've got to give her dramatic lessons.
We've got to get her a wardrobe,

traveling expenses.

Gentlemen, I figured out a $10 a share
of coffee.

Boys,

a ship has come in.

The boat has sailed.

Who put this large hat?

Kodowski has a very large coat, so watch
that, will you? Quiet.

Bilko, whatever this is, forget it.
Well, Colonel, I was just on my way to

you. No, I don't want any publicity
about you and your promotions.

If the public ever finds out that we
have a sergeant like you in the army,

they'll start cashing in their war
bonds.

The colonel is fun to work with. He's so
humorous. Quiet!

The first thing in the morning, you get
down to that newspaper office and tell

them that whatever it is, it's off. It's
off?

It's off. But, sir... It's off!

Yes, sir.

Gee, it's too bad, Sarge. Yeah, we
almost had something bad.

What have we had?

An empty bathing suit, a picture of a
girl we've never even seen. I'm glad the

colonel stopped us. He stopped us from
making jerks out of ourselves.

All right, sir. Go on. Hit the sack.

Good night, sir. Good night. Good night,
boys.

Lights out!

Lights out!

Miss America, someday they're going to
drop the net on me. Well, honey,

you are, I guess you'll just stay buried
there. But... Well, it might have been

something. It might have... We'll never
know.

We'll never know.

No, Ernie Belko. Now we'll never know.

Who are you? Where are you?

I'm here, Ernie.

Oh, you're even more beautiful than your
picture.

Beautiful enough to be Miss America,
Ernie.

Well, that was just a dream.

Yes, just a dream.

Just a dream. Wait. Come back.

I'll make your dream come true.

Wait for me. Wait.

I'll make you Miss America.

No!

She's beautiful.

We're going through with it. Yeah, but
you know the Colonel's orders.

The Colonel's orders was to stop the
contest. I'm going down to the newspaper

and do just that. Give me my hat. Oh,
fellas just should have seen her. From

tip of her head to the bottom of her
feet, she was Miss America.

Beautiful.

Blonde hair.

Gorgeous. Beautiful sparkling eyes. A
neck like ivory.

Beautiful white shoulders. Sarge, your
hat.

Remind me where I left off.

So the Colonel ordered you out of the
contest.

Yeah, army orders.

I know how disappointed you must be. The
first Miss Kansas who could have been

Miss America.

Aren't you ashamed?

Yeah, but don't print a word about it,
will you? Oh, I'm not going to. No, no,

know those newspaper minds of yours. I
can see that editorial.

Is it Fort Baxter or Little Siberia? Oh,
no, no, no, don't put that down. I just

slipped out. Don't say that, please.
It's not a word of publicity.

I know how you think you could say,
well, it's Kansas becomes Stalag 17.

Oh, it slipped out. Don't, don't. Oh,
don't. I've given you a scoop. I didn't

mean to give you this scoop. Stalag is
with two A's. S -E -A -G.

Oh, please, not a word of it. Please,
forget the Pulitzer Prize that this

editorial might bring you. Just forget
it. Come in the composing room. Don't

print a word. Not a word. The composing
room.

Now, remember, you guys, when we get to
Topeka... What

size? The contest is off. Colonel's
orders.

Don't be so naive, Dunningham.
Everything is going right up on

Let me see.

The Roosevelt's Gazette papers were
delivered to Topeka at 10 .15.

A 10 -30 divisional headquarters
messenger picks it up at 10 -32.

It arrives at General Bufkin's office at
10 -40. His aide is bringing it in to

him. He is looking at the front page.
The general is flipping.

He just put a call in to Colonel Hall.

The phone should be ringing now.

Hello? This is General Bufkin. Why
General Bufkin? What's going on down

What are you trying to prove?

My gentlemen. I'll let those boys of
yours enter that contest.

What contest? I don't want to see
anything more in the papers. Do you

Yes, sir.

The colonel is rushing out of his
office.

He's crossing the parade grounds.

He's in the barracks area now.

He should be coming in right now. Turn
head!

I don't understand.

Turn up!

Colonel Hall, what delayed you? I
stumbled on a step. Oh, I see.

the contest you wanted to enter. All
right, I'm all for it. Thank you, sir.

All right, who is this man? Oh, he's one
of our fine warriors, sir. One of the

fine men. Oh, Colonel, we thank you so
much for your cooperation.

Cooperation? Yes, General Hopkins.

Oh, yes.

Thank you. We'll need a three -day pass
for the entire platoon as honor guards

at Topeka. Thank you, sir. Oh, Hannigan,
you lucky dog. Did you hear what the

colonel said? Your girl won the contest,
the sweetest of the platoon contest.

Rah, rah.

Where's my bunk? Wait a second. Is that
all the enthusiasm you got? The girl

just won the contest.

She's won lots of contests. Beauty
contests? All kinds.

Baking contests, cooking contests.

Josie's the pride of Tylersville. Write
that down.

Tylersville. My name is Josie. What's
that?

Oh, nothing. We just want to put that on
the cup, you see, for the platoon.

What's her phone number? Her phone
number? What's her phone number? Give me

phone number.

Tylersville 652 Ring 2.

Got it? Yep.

See, we need that on the cup.

In case she loses the cup, some stranger
will see the number, call her up, and

then she'll know whoever it is.

Hello, Josie.

This is Sergeant Bilko.

She has a voice like an angel.

Yes, I'm Ed Sargent. Yes, listen, Ed
would like you to enter in a contest

tomorrow night at Topeka.

Yes. What kind of... A baking contest?

Well, you could call it a cheesecake
derby.

Listen,

we'll have to know something. What are
your measurements, dear? Write this

Two cups of flour, six cups of...

Oh, she's funny.

She's funny.

Yes, you'll make the train. We'll have
somebody beat you 755. Goodbye, Josie.

This is General Merritt in Washington.

General Merritt?

Who's in charge at Fort Baxter, you or
Billy Rose?

Well, let me explain, General.

General, you just ruined our whole
education program.

Years of art projects, literary groups,
and all for one purpose.

To show the American mother that her
boys in the Army think about something

besides women.

And now this.

Army boom -boom girl has doughboys
drooling.

Now stop that contest.

Don't let those men off the camp.

But, General, they've already left for
Topeka.

Already left?

Well, go after them.

Stop them.

Yes, sir.

Hey, look at this one.

Get this one.

Bilko, where's Josie? She's got to be
here. Relax. I got Rocco and Henshaw at

the train.

755 are coming. They're going to bring
her right here. You mean she ain't here

yet? Will you relax? She'll be here.
Excuse me? No, it's officials only.

Officials only, Bill. What is this? Look
like a chicken inspector's badge?

You're all right.

You can't come in here.

Well, good evening, losers.

Just be nice, please. Just look at me as
your family physician.

Leave a lot of room here because this is
where the winner is going to dress,

right? Yeah, I thought this contest was
over already. Just because that Miss

Portfax got all the publicity. Just
because she got all the publicity.

Say, if you play your cards right, I may
get you another room mentioned.

Let's not overflow on the dressing room
here. Let's go, girls.

Leave room.

Where's everybody? Wait a minute. My
girl isn't here.

Wait a minute. Wait. She's not here.

She'll be... She's here. She's here.
Bring her here.

Who said dreams don't come true?

Here she is.

Miss America.

Sergeant Bilfo?

Oh, yes, dear. Your granddaughter went
with the rest of the girls into the

contest. Why, Sergeant Bilfo, you
brought me here for the contest. Well, I

your daughter wasn't in this contest
because she hasn't got a chance this

Why, Aunt Josie. Next year you might
have had a good time because your...

Cheesecake? Your Jo... No.

Your Josie?

Your Josie? Where did you get my
picture?

Your picture? What? Why, that was taken
40 years ago.

40 years?

40 years ago? Hey, Sarge, the colonel
told me this was taken 40 years ago.

Wait, Eddie.

Mother.

You told me this was your sweetheart.

I'm right, Sarge, but the man was
kidding me. Well, she is my sweetheart.

Oh, Eddie, you've just got to stop being
a mama's boy.

Do you know what trouble you got me with
my platoon?

Sorry, I'll fix that. Don't worry about
it.

Forget it. Colonel Hall's down at the
main desk looking for us. Boy, is he

boiling. Is he mad? Mad? He just caught
me off to the roof, like.

He's built to think of something.

I'll handle it. Go on, go on.

Never mind. Get out. Get out.

Now, listen. I'm in a spot. We've got to
figure something. Wait.

I'll put a little mascara on. Maybe a
heavy makeup. Oh,

this is you.

I've got to figure something.

I've got to figure something.

The choice of Wayne County, Miss Jones
Corner.

County, Miss Ozo City.

Now, finally, the Army is joined on a
golf platoon. High up!

High up! Left feet

high up!

A day up!

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present...
Stop! Stop! Stop! It's all off. It's all

off. Get back to your post. Oh, Colonel,
give us another minute. This is going

to be fun. The Pentagon will hear about
it. The Pentagon has heard about it. No,

you don't. General Bufkin will love
this. Bufkin.

Believe me. Just give me another minute.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Claude

Baxter.

Bill come, will you? After all, Colonel,
it was your idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, when our beloved
commanding officer, J .T. Hall,

that we take a poll amongst the G .I .s
to find which woman represents the

highest standards to us, there could be
one choice.

A mother.

And so that's what we have chosen. Our
favorite girl, our sweetheart, Mom.

Yes!

Colonel Hall, Colonel Hall, it was
magnificent.

Thank you, sir.

A stroke of genius.

Now, madam, if we could just take some
pictures right this way, please.

A great story, Belko.

Now, the newsreels want some pictures.
The newsreels? Colonel, will you say a

few words? Oh, no, it's your show, Bill.
It's your show. Well, I'm really

unprepared, but I did have the small
brochure ready.

Friends of newsreeland, at last we have
eradicated a false impression about G .I

.s. The thought is that we just care
about pinup girls.

Nothing can be further from the truth.

It isn't only that. While we're alone in
the barracks, we think constantly of

home. Home and mother. And all...
Colonel, would you take over for me,

Part of Hannigan played by Will Abel.
The editor was Jack Orison.

Josie was played by Judith Lowry.

Miss America was Ann Helm.

Miss Helm's dancing partner was Don
Weissmuller.