All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e23 The Army Memoirs

Splatoon!

other manuscript on someone's army
memoirs. But this one is rather unusual.

Fielding ever since the army put in that
Operation Shakespeare.

Every G .I. who's ever gotten past basic
training is writing a book on his

memoirs. Miss Simpson, return... Bilko.

That's a title? Bilko? Yes, he's a
sergeant. He's the most... Well, take

chapter, Busted.

Busted? Yes, it's how Bilko lost his
sergeant's strike. The monthly reports

just come in from Washington.

This is disgraceful.

Three of your four sergeants reprimanded
for unmilitary conduct.

Colonel, these men are not sergeants.
They're sheep.

Innocent sheep who are led by the nose
by my fourth sergeant. Bill, come. I

know.

But how come every month Bilko is the
only one whose records are never

criticized? That's very simple, sir. He
never keeps records.

Captain, unless you have definite proof.

Oh, we have, sir.

You'll notice that Supply Sergeant
Pendleton has been reprimanded for

procedure.

Tell the colonel what happened,
Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Two weeks ago, Sergeant Bilko sees this
picture of an Air Force flight jacket

with a mouton collar, and right away he
wants I should order him one.

He treats quartermasters like I'm Sears
Roebuck.

An Air Force jacket?

Yes, sir. Go on. Well, anyways, I'm
finishing my required requisitions for

G .I. galoshes.

And the aforementioned Sergeant Bilko
kindly offers to take him to the post

office. I see.

Sergeant, tell the colonel what was
delivered to your supply depot this

144 Air Force flight jackets.

144 flight jackets?

All Bilko size.

Oh, no.

With muton collars.

And they're being returned at once, sir.
I assure you that Bilko won't lay a

finger on one. Good.

And what happened in signal core?

Sergeant Dover.

Tell us why Message Center received an
unsatisfactory mark this month.

Yes, sir. Last Wednesday, Sergeant Bilko
came to my Message Center and in a

secretive manner suggested that with a
few changes in the regular signal call

message circuit, we could put a direct
wire to the rear of a certain pool room

in Rosewood.

What?

I said, Sergeant Bilko, this is a most
unmilitary procedure.

And you?

I acquiesced.

Now, what happened?

What happened?

Sir, it's right there.

For three days, the Signal Corps in
Washington has been trying to contact

post, and all they could get were the
results from the Belmont racetrack.

This is too much. A direct line to a
horse parlor? That's not all, Colonel

You'll find there that Master Sergeant
Sawicki has been given the severest

reprimand. For most unsanitary and
disgusting condition of Company B

Sawicki, you've always kept the cleanest
kitchen. What happened?

Tell the Colonel Sergeant Sawicki.

Yes, sir.

It was two weeks ago Friday when
Sergeant Bilko, carrying a small box,

my kitchen.

He said to me, Sergeant Sawicki, you are
a gambling man.

Which, of course, I am not, sir. Go on.

I said, Sergeant Bilko, Colonel Hall
allows no gambling on this post.

I suggest you about -face and march out
of here at once.

Good for you.

What was in the box?

Ten cockroaches.

Cockroaches?

Don't say that word.

It's disgusting.

Oh, yes, sir. I was aghast.

However, he went on to explain that with
these ten... little strangers, sir,

we could have a most exciting race.

A race?

Yes, sir, to see which of them could get
to a plate of chipped beef on toast

first.

Horrible. It certainly was horrible,
Colonel. And just at the moment when the

ten little...

Strangers were scurrying across the
kitchen floor. The sanitation officer

in for inspection. Discussion.

Bilko's little stranger won.

Never mind.

We later found out that he hadn't fed
the thing in a week, and it went for

plate of chipped beef on top like a pie.

Never mind.

Yes, sir.

Colonel Hall, how long are these three
men going to suffer at the hands of

Bilko? How long is this company going to
put up with it?

Captain Barker, sir.

Oh, I seem to have interrupted the high
-level strategy. Never mind.

Oh, these brilliant moves that spell the
difference between victory and defeat.

And to think the Pentagon gets all the
credit. How unfair.

Sir, if you'll just sign this, I'll be
off and on my way, sir. Sign what?

It's my citation, sir. I'm sergeant of
the month, you know.

You are? Well, it's the colonel's old
ruling. There it is, written right

The sergeant with the cleanest record
gets the citation. Forget it.

Forget it, sir?

Sir, am I to be penalized for the
slipshod manner that my other

Quiet! No offense, boys, but next month,
let's get our shoulders to the wheel

and put it over the top, boys.

Philco!

Your fellow sergeants have been telling
me some very interesting things about

you. Oh, they have? Oh, boys, you
shouldn't have. These little things I do

you come from the heart, boys. You like
those Air Force white jackets?

With the mouton collars? Adorable,
aren't they, sir? Oh, Andy, you don't

get them for me. I want no thanks for
that money I raised for your cousin when

he got into that, shall we say, little
scrape in Toledo.

But that was seven years ago.

Seven years, and he still remembers it.
Sorry, sir.

He's all hot, sir, all hot. I
practically had to force the $10 on him

wanted for the alterations.

Oh,

please, don't listen to any more they
say about me, sir. They worship me.

be embarrassing.

Sergeant Grover tells me a very
interesting story about a direct line to

parlor.

Steve, you shouldn't have.

Oh, why did you? I wanted him to get the
credit, sir. Credit for a direct line

to a horse parlor? Yes, sir. I thought
it'd be wonderful exercise for the men

wiretapping. It's the coming thing, you
know, sir.

Bill, so you put in that line? Oh, yes.
Putting in the line was my idea.

But collecting 10 % of the bets was
Grover's idea.

Is this true? I thought, sir, Ben, that
we were doing all the work. And a

magnificent job they do, sir. I
understand that you found a new and very

interesting way of extracting money from
Sweetie.

Stanley.

You didn't have to tell him these
things.

He worships me, sir. I'm not the saint
he thinks I am, really. What are you

talking about? Well, I assume he told
you about what happened between us

the war.

You're going to bring that up again?

Well, isn't that what you turned to,
Curlin? How about the time you were

in the foxhole under the broiling sun
and through machine gun fire I crawled

you to give you that glass of water?

Sir Winky, is that true?

Yes, sir.

Oh. I figured it out, sir.

Until today, that glass of water has
cost me over $11 ,000.

Oh, let's not bother the colonel with
these little figures.

Please, please don't let Belko get away
with it. He must be disciplined.

The men thought that if you'd take away
his stripes, then perhaps they could

actually go on. No, not my stripes.

Not that I care, sir, but those
newspapers.

The newspapers? Oh, you know how they
love to hound the army, how they love to

embarrass the army. They'll investigate.

They'll want to know why the one
sergeant with a clean record has to have

stripes removed. Colonel, this is a
private matter.

Sir, these things do leak out.
Personally, my lips are sealed, sir.

nothing. He's right.

Colonel, he did it again.

Captain, I am running this post.

Yes, sir.

You men will return to your duties.

Aye, the Colonel. Aye, aye.

Keep... All my citations, sir. If you'll
just sign this, I'll be off and on my

way, sir. No.

Oh, it's just a little memento I want
for the twilight of my life to remember

being with you, sir. No! Can I let you
know?

All right, sir, for the time being.
Thank you very much, sir.

What's the matter?

Poor little sergeant's feeling badly.
You look great.

Positively great.

Tattletail great.

Now, look.

Someday those stripes are going to come
off, and when they do... Quiet, you

miserable stool pigeons.

Ran to the colonel, huh?

What good would it do you? Suppose he
had taken my stripes off.

Why, in 24 hours, the colonel would
personally be sewing those stripes back

my sleeve.

The colonel?

The colonel would be sewing the sleeve?
A double stitch.

A double stitch? A single stitch. Just
baste them lightly. It doesn't... Quiet!

I see you understand only one language.

At ease, Private Bilko.

Private Bilko.

Really, sir, I'll have to change my
stationery, sir. Quiet.

These men are your superiors now.

You're in their hands.

the army. Oh, funny, funny.

Yes.

Yes.

Come back here.

Yes, what?

Yes, Sergeant.

Yes, Sergeant.

Eight years I've been waiting for you to
say that to me.

Yes, Sergeant.

Make him say it to me. Say it to me.

Sergeant.

Having fun, huh? Remember what I told
you, fellas?

24 hours? No, I changed my schedule.

In 12 hours.

Two for flinching.

Hey. Hey, sweetie.

Maybe we pushed him too far.

You know that brain of his.

Now, wait a minute. We got him just
where we want him.

We got to stick together to keep them
there. We got to stay united. You know,

stone wall against them.

A stone wall.

A stone wall against Bilko.

This is exciting.

Does Bilko get his stripes back? Wait a
minute. The news of Bilko's fall swept

the post.

Private? Just temporarily.

Twelve hours, I'll get those stripes
back. Is that goofing off already,

Get these 24 typewriters off the truck
and into my supply room on a double.

Yes, Sergeant Pendleton.

And that's only the beginning.

See what I'm up against?

What is this? 24 typewriters delivered
as per special bulletin 15A. Well,

What?

Bulletin 15A.

Clickety -clickety -click.

This is it. What's it? What? I may do
this in six hours.

Get me Henshaw. Henshaw. Oh,

you're here. Look.

Get right down to the supply room. You
understand?

Here's what I want you to do.

You get me a typewriter.

Relax, fellas. Take it easy. I got a
private bilko coming in to do the dirty

work. Oh, Kodowski, hang this Air Force
flight jacket right here so Bilko can

eat his heart out while he's working.

Hey, Fernald, check me out, will you?
Who gets a typewriter? Bilko? Bilko

get a thing. You gotta give it to him.
Bulletin 15A.

15A. Operation Shakespeare.

Hurry it up, will you? Yeah, yeah.

Typewriters are to be made available to
encourage enlisted personnel in pursuit

of literary efforts.

Sign, will you? Oh, sure.

Literary efforts. That means he's
writing a book. Book? Who's writing a

Vilco. Vilco's writing a book about
what?

About what? What else? The army. Hey,
hey, what's up? What's up?

Vilco's writing an expose of Fort
Baxter. I hope he keeps my name out of

I guess he'll just mention those guys
that were mean to him.

He's bluffing. He's bluffing. Oh, sure.
Like the guy who wrote The Naked and the

Dead. He was bluffing, too, huh?

got to see Grover.

Yeah, I heard about it. It's sweeping
the post.

Yeah, well, what's he going to write in
it?

I heard he was calling it Monsters I
Have Known.

I understand it's going to make
Confidential look like Snow White and

Dwarfs.

Well,

let's go see Sawicki.

What are you getting panicky for? It's
only a book.

I hear it's like no time for sergeants.

It's said that when Bilko's book comes
out, some sergeants will be doing time.

You started this, the wicky. You said,
let's go see the captain.

I always liked Arnie. Yeah, you always
liked Arnie.

Why don't you shut up, you stoops?

Go ahead, let him write his book. He's
got nothing on us.

Take a break.

Has he? No. No.

But nothing. So what are we worried
about? Go ahead. Let him write his book.

got to stick together. We got to be a
stone wall against him.

Stone wall.

A stone wall was shaking.

But could Bilko shatter it in just six
hours?

Back in his room, Private Bilko was
getting ready for his first work detail.

book? Who's writing a book?

But everybody says you're writing an
expose on the inside secrets of Fort

Baxter. How can I write a book? I don't
even know how to type.

The whole post is in a panic. They think
that you know... I know what they

think. They think I know every skeleton
and every closet on the post. I don't.

But it's time I found out how.

How?

Psychology.

Excuse me.

Sergeant Pendleton is waiting to tell me
all.

Excuse me, Sarge. I don't want to be
stupid, but just by using psychology,

can make people spill out their secrets?

It's like turning on a faucet, and out
it comes.

Well, the FBI and war and peace.

I wonder if Bilko's book will be a
bestseller. I heard the Book of the

Club is interested.

You guys make me sick.

He ain't got a thing on me. Not a thing.

My conscience is clear.

Oh, aren't you a little late for your
detail, Shakespeare?

Well, you like it, huh?

You like it. Nice.

Eat your heart out.

You're going to work, Belko. You're
going to get back to your bunk too tired

write lies about anybody.

Andy, please, you're getting shrill. You
haven't got a thing you can prove with

that book you're writing. Book? Who's
writing a book? What is this nonsense?

Oh, incidentally, I need a new
typewriter ribbon.

Already? What are you so panicky about?
You act like you're frightened to death.

Me? Me afraid.

Oh, you got the wrong place, Max.

Take a look at these stacks.

Everything double entry. Go ahead,
examine them. Double entry, huh? Yeah,

43. Well, I guess after what happened,
you had to change your system, didn't

you? Excuse me, I have to get back to
it. Wait a minute.

What do you mean, after what happened?

Nothing. These things happen. You can't
stop them. I have to help the boy. Hold

it a minute.

Hey, fellas, take a break.

How did you find out? Find out what? I
don't know what you're talking about.

They promised me it would all be hushed
up. Andy, you're hysterical. Andy, they

said no one will ever know.

I know nothing. How long does a man have
to suffer for one little mistake? I

don't even want to listen. And now
you're going to print that? Print what,

Give me a break.

I don't know what you're talking about.

No, you don't know. As if you didn't
know that I outfitted an entire...

headed for Africa in fur coats and
snowshoes.

These things happen, Andy. You can't
help yourself.

Wrong way Pendleton, they called me.

Well, it's a natural. I thought they
were going to Alaska.

Look, a mistake is a mistake.

You print that in your book, Ernie, and
I swear I'll deny it. I'll deny the

whole thing.

Oh, it's just a mistake. You can't prove
any... How do you like your coffee? Not

too snug.

It was during the war. They gave me the
wrong zone number. Sir, is there enough

drape for you? Give me a sweep to it, a
sweep.

I've already been laughed out of three
companies. If it happens, do you want

color Hollander eyes?

No, I think you keep it fluffy.

Keep it just, I think, fluffy.

Well,

it was his eyes anyway, sir.

Excuse me, I have to see Grover.

And now you want me to be nicer and to
save your heart. But, Steve, a regiment

with fur coats landing in Africa. If he
prints that out... Just too bad you

can't control that big mouth of yours.
Now suffer for it. Stevie, 3 ,000 guys

crossing the Sahara Desert on snowshoes.

You was always a weakling, Andy. But
this time he's up against a rock.

He won't get anything from me.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the author.

I got about... About 100 wires of wire
for you to string. Oh, don't be silly,

Steve. Oh, incidentally, you never did
let me put that long -distance call

through to Paris, did you?

Paris, that'll be the day.

Oh, excuse me.

Is this the chair that was empty during
the alert on Pearl Harbor Day?

Oh, so that's it.

No, I was just curious. I wonder why
Fort Baxter had to get the news of Pearl

Harbor from the local milkman.

You're struck out again. I wasn't even
on duty. I was in town. In town?

During the night?

You heard what he said. Get him Paris.

Here's the number.

Ernie, have a heart. Open circuit.

Overseas. Emergency.

Paris, France.

Give me Pig Alley 6365.

Tell them it's a candy store, but
they'll call us.

Ernie, it was just an ordinary... Wait a
minute. It's 3 .55. Time for the fourth

race at Rockingham. But I took that wire
out of... Fourth race. Check.

Ready on your call to Paris, Sergeant.
Hey, that was quick.

Hello. Let me... Ivan!

Que me savoir?

Bilko. Sergeant Bilko.

Oui. No, no, no. Ernie.

Bil... Chocolat.

Ah! Now she... Oh, vous avez... Where is
Grover? Please, I'm on long distance.

You men are going to pay for this when
Sergeant Grover hears about it.

Here's the results of the fourth race of
rotten men.

Excusez -moi, Ivan. The captain, he
wants me.

Le capitaine.

What is capitaine?

Beaucoup chocolat.

She wants to talk to you, sir.

Put down that phone. I've got to go now,
yeah. Au revoir, Ivan.

All right, baby.

Well, Grover? Excuse me, sir. I have to
see Sergeant Sawicki. Grover!

You tell Sergeant Zawicki that he can
have Bilko for KP.

He'll know what to do. Yes, sir.

Oh, Ernie, it's going to be murder on
that KP, but I'll talk to Zawicki. Don't

say anything to him. Just say one word.
One word?

Tomatoes. Tomatoes? Just say that.

Tomatoes.

Tomatoes? You got something on Zawicki
about tomatoes?

No.

But he'll tell me something.

Why, you guys nauseate me.

You nauseate me.

Well, Harbour Day. I can see it in front
of 3 ,000 guys on snowshoes. So you

want me to be nice to him so he won't
write about you in his book.

I'm going to be nice to him, all right?

You see that pile of potatoes over
there?

You see that load of pots and pans over
there?

You see that mop?

And that ain't all.

While he's down on his hands and knees
scrubbing and peeling, I'll be sitting

right here in front of him, eating his
favorite foods, crepe suzette,

inflaming Napoleon brandy, sipping
champagne, his

favorite year.

And he'll be right in front of me, his
eyes popping.

While he's kneeling and peeling and
drooling. He said we should mention to

about tomatoes. This is murder.

Stanley.

Stanley, he'll ruin us.

Tomatoes? 3 ,000 soldiers wearing
earmuffs in a jungle.

Tomatoes? We'll be ruined.

He couldn't know about that.

That was 13 years ago in New Guinea. He
knows everything.

Even the general admitted that they
looked like peaches.

Tomatoes. Well, so we can be ready to go
to work.

Oh, Ernie, just in time. Be my guest.
What are you fellas doing? Why don't you

sit down?

Say, this is very nice.

Craig Suzette, for me? For you, and
burning Napoleon Brandy. But why? Why?

Why? Tell him why.

For you.

I just can't believe it.

All three of you men begging me to give
Bilko his stripes back.

Six hours on a nose.

I heard that. Just kidding, sir. I was
just making a little remark. Very

Bilko. So you're writing a book.

And all three of these trembling hulks
are afraid of you now. I don't know

this rumor started in writing a book,
really, sir. All right, write your book.

Write all the nasty rumors and mistakes
you can think of. And add one big

chapter, how you bragged that you were
going to get the colonel to pin on your

stripes, but you found out that he was
made of sterner stuff.

Sir, I admit that... All right, get back
to your duties.

Thank you, sir. Colonel, may I say in
place... There is no animosity, and I'll

always be proud of the fact, and think
of it with great affection, that I

under a commanding officer who was first
in his graduating class at West Point.

Belko, if you're writing a book, you
better get your facts straight. I was

in my class. Oh, I know, sir, but you
would have been first if... Excuse me,

sir, I must go. What did you do?

Nothing, Judge. It's the chance remark I
have. You what?

Nothing at all, sir. I meant nothing by
it. Belko, you wouldn't dare.

You wouldn't dare.

I don't know what you... Bilko, I was
only 23 at the time.

They told me it was strong lemonade.

I know, sir. You were just a baby.
Bilko, in my condition, how could I know

was ladies' night at that Turkish bath?

Believe me, sir.

You can trust me, sir. I won't say a
word.

Did Colonel Hall sew on Bilko's stripes?

Did he, sir?

Did he actually do it, sir? Wait, wait.
The answer's right here.

Now the truth can be told.

No, he did not sew on those stripes.

Vilco's colonel had too much honor, too
much self -respect to do a thing like

that. The end.

Shall we publish it?

Not a chance. It's too unbelievable.

Send this back to the author with this
rejection.

Colonel J .T. Hall, port of Baxter Camp.

Dear Colonel Hall, we've read your
manuscript, but feel at the present time

cannot publish another military memoir.

Sergeant Zwicky. Jimmy Little was seen
as Sergeant Grover. Ned Glass appeared

Sergeant Pendleton.

Nicholas Saunders was seen as Captain
Barker.