All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e19 The Revolutionary War

Attention,

Sergeant Wilco. Where is the Colonel's
staff car? Report at once.

Sergeant Wilco, where are your daily
worksheets? Report to the company clerk

once. Now, I ask you, how can a man
think with that racket going on?

You've forgotten your first lesson. You
never play for fun in the army.

Poker's a serious business.

If you want to join us, go out and
borrow a buck and come back.

All right, men.

How about a round of Mexican slap the
deck? What's that?

You know the rules. One -eyed jacks and
red queens are wild.

Two spades is a straight on either end.
Now, five of lords is an ace if you've

got a three of clubs to go with it.

Officer Cummings! Officer Cummings!

And so, men, when you disassemble the
rifle...

How perform?

The trigger housing.

As you were. As you were, men.

Sergeant Bilko, what are you doing?
Well, we had a little spare time and I

elating the men on the workings of the
rifle.

You see, sir, I always feel that idle
hands are the devil's tools.

Something wrong somewhere.

Wrong? I heard that there's a big game
going on in this barracks. Game?

Gambling in my barracks?

willing eyes, willing to learn.

What is this? He gave you a dollar.
Well, of course, sir. You don't think

give him government property without
getting a deposit.

Of course, now, he can have the dollar
back if he brings the rifle back in good

shape. Oh, yes, sir. The first thing I
try to do to my men is instill a certain

respect for government property.

Oh, excellent, Bilko. As you were. Thank
you, sir.

And so, gentlemen, when aiming the
rifle, it's best to aim at enemies.

All clear.

All clear.

It's a sheer delight.

You had him up to his knees in snow.

All right.

Sergeant Wilco, this just came for your
special delivery.

Well, surprise day, huh, Sergeant?

Yeah, Sergeant.

Oh,

it's up in Falls, Wisconsin.

Must be for my Aunt Minerva.

Sounds like a lot of junk in here. Oh,
that Aunt of mine. Someday they're going

to drop a net over her.

She's really, she's a dear old soul. In
our own way, tries to keep the family

together. Let me see what it says here.

My dearest nephew Ernest, Aunt Lena
Rose. me and told me that you were in

army. News gets around fast, my family.
I've only been in 14 years.

Since you are an American soldier, these
mementos are rightfully yours. They

belong to your great -great -grand
-uncle, Major Joshua Bilko, who was on

General Washington's staff during the
Revolutionary War.

You had an ancestor who was in the
Revolutionary War?

My great -great -grand -uncle was on
General Washington's staff.

Go ahead, Ernie. What else does she say?
It goes on to say, cherish these

souvenirs. And carry on the great
military tradition of the Bilko's.

Your loving Aunt Minerva.

The great military tradition of the
Bilko's.

Open that, Ron. Yeah. Bilko and the

revolution.

Hey, look at this.

Here's a broken sword. There's an
inscription on it. To Joshua, a trusted

friend. and gallant soldier from General
Washington.

What does it say on the tag?

Broken in the Battle of Brandywine
Creek, January 6th, 1777.

Look, here's a medal.

Another inscription.

Major Joshua Bilko, who has done more
than any other man for our great cause.

Looks like an oar lock.

Oar lock?

This oar lock of the boat used by
General Washington in our crossing of

Delaware. Gee, look at this old book.

Diary of Major Joshua Bilko. Hey, I bet
you this stuff is valuable.

Yes, Sarge. I wonder what the pawn shop
will give you when you try to hack it

tomorrow. Hack it?

Hack it?

Hack these relics?

Hack these last remembrances of a great
military man? Well, then I'll have to

ask you to leave the room. But, Sarge,
I... Out, out, out. You two, out.

But, Sarge, what did I do? What did you
do? You stood there and you let him

slander your Sarge and you should have
been on his throat.

Out, out, you two. Take it easy. What's
the matter?

And he didn't mean anything wrong.

Wrong? That's what hurts. He was right.

Fine. Yeah, fine link in the Bilko
tradition I am.

Vernagling. Conniving.

Look what Major Bilko left behind.

A medal.

Broken sword.

What mementos will I leave behind for
some future Bilko?

Loaded dice.

Bar cards.

Raffle tickets.

What'll come down from the Bilkos?

From a major on General Washington's
staff to a goof -off sergeant.

I gotta think differently, man. I gotta
aim higher. I gotta fulfill the destiny.

For the Bocos.

And for him.

What's wrong, Sarge? What is it, any...
Did the colonel find out where we were

hiding our roulette wheel in the trunk
of his staff car?

What's wrong, Sarge? What's wrong?

When the leader walks into his barracks
and sees the sickening sight I just saw?

But, Sarge, this is Wednesday night,
relaxing your slacks night.

Relax on the military post where the
keynote is vigilance? Relax indeed.

But, Sarge, it was your idea. You said
it'd loosen the men up for the midnight

gin rummy tournament. And it sure
loosened them up.

Fleischman bought four tickets to your
Robert Fulton birthday ball. Yeah.

Mullen went for a couple of tickets on
your raffle for the mind detector.

Oh, yes?

Give the men their money back.

What? Sarge, give the money back?

Every cent that you have taken by these
unauthorized methods, give it to them

back. But, Sarge, I don't... Hey,
corporal!

Get these unmilitary signs off that
bulletin board.

But, Sarge, you've got to... We're going
to have some protocol around here.

Everything's going to be spick and span.

But you've got to advertise it.

A little dusty,

would you say, Paparelli?

Let's have an inspection of everything
around here.

What are you hiding in there? Your
discharge? What is this?

What was that?

I said, what go? Well, what did you say
just before that?

I said, hey, Bilk. Hey, Bilk?

Hey, Bilk?

Men, I don't want to seem severe upon
all of you, but when an enlisted man

refers to his superior as, hey, Bilk.

I'm sorry, Sarge.

Sarge? Sarge what?

Sargent. You remember that there are two
syllables of that word, Sargent. Now

hear this.

I want some things done around... Sorry,
Sarge.

Now, men, it is not my purpose to put up
a wall between us.

Ow! Ow!

What's going on? Let me go!

What's going on here? He deserves a
beating, Sarge. You dirty liar. I didn't

mean it, Sarge. Quiet!

What happened here? What? What? Well, go
on. Go on. Say it in front of him. Say

it in front of all of them. Say it. Say
what? What? He said something dirty

about you, Sarge. What did you say about
me, Flashman? I said I heard that you

were going to be an officer.

What?

Stop it!

Stop it!

What he said was true.

My man, hand me that crop. Don't stand
there like a fixture.

It's true.

I am going to become an officer.

Formation. Now, some of you men have to
get used to these facts.

Some of us... Buttons. Buttons, man.

Some of us are born leaders.

And we must accept the response.

Here, don't. Don't lie.

Cast in.

We must accept our destiny.

Now, I don't expect you men who do not
come from military families to

this. However, you Zimmermen, you
understand.

You come from a military family.

Your mother was a whack.

Here, here.

And so, men, before I leave for
officers' training school, I would like

with me a memory of the snap and the
precision which I've taught you for the

past eight years. Give me this as a
farewell gift.

Of memory.

You fellas still don't understand, do
you? But an officer.

I'm not doing this for me.

I'm doing it for him.

How can I stay an enlisted man when you
consider the great exploits in this

wonderful war diary?

Men, I wish to read this alone.

Oh, Sarge, let us hear.

Please, Sarge. All right.

The diary of Major Joshua Bilko.

Valley Forge of Emmett Tenth.

Take off your hats.

Valley Forge, November 10th, 1777.

Will there be no end to this cold and
misery?

Will our gallant army last the winter
without the food and clothing?

This morning, General Washington called
an emergency meeting of his staff.

Well, are we all here?

All except Major Joshua Bilko.

Is that young scamp late again?

Shoot! Is he really the type to be on
your general staff?

He is a rake, sir. Now, listen.

There's no more wood for the fire.

There's no food. There's no clothes.

Look at our uniforms.

This is no time for petty quarrels. My
apologies, General. It's just that we

haven't eaten for three days. Well,
neither have I. But by our example, the

will take heart.

My apologies for being late, gentlemen.
However, today was the drawing for my

turkey raffle.

Turkey raffle? Oh, yes, you knew about
that, did you? Oh, General, I wish you

could have been there to see the eyes of
our men, those gallant men in their

tired rags, as they looked up to me with
pleading eyes, anticipatory, as they

drew the lucky number. Oh, it made me
almost cry, sir. Shall we get on with

Bilko, you... Here, here. Run your own
raffle.

Major Bilko.

Major Bilko. Sir?

Bilko, before those starving men, you
had the audacity to take that turkey?

Good heavens, General, I won it, didn't
I?

As an officer, that was your opportunity
to make a beautiful gesture.

Well, by Jove, I did. I let them watch
me eat the drumstick. Oh, General

Washington! Oh, you're right. The look
in their eye was right. I had a whips on

the back. Quiet!

We'll try and forget this regretful
incident.

Oh, gentlemen, I'm sorry to interrupt
you again, but George, I... Oh, Major

Vilko!

The sun shines again.

And it is spring at Valley Forge, my
dear. Oh, mate. General, you didn't tell

you engaged this young actress to
entertain the troops from Philadelphia.

Oh, mate.

Terribly sweet of you, young lady, to
scum all the way to enter... Well, good

heavens, Mandy, do you see who it is?
It's Mrs. Washington.

Yes. By Jove, I say, if you get any
younger, there'll be a revolt in the...

Corbett.

Yes, sir.

This is the crisis, gentlemen.

I've been up all night.

And I finally reached a decision.

You're going to have an officer's club.

Bill Cole. Blended.

I think we should do the billiard room
in Chippendale. We'll get Betsy Ross to

do the drapes. Major Bill Cole.

Bill Cole. Yes, sir.

What is your opinion?

Oh, yes, Chippendale for the billiard
room. Definitely.

Major Bill Cole. Sir?

We were talking about an offensive
against the British.

Oh, go get them, sir. Tax us with our
representation. Get them. Smash them.

Smash them.

Oh, the new minuet they're doing in
Philadelphia. I can teach it to you

there now. It's very simple. Zee -um
-dum. No, no. Pointy toesies. Pointy

toesies. Now, dee, dee. Benji, get your
flute.

Bilko.

Make your bilko, sir.

Stop that immediately.

Wait a minute, my dear. Oh, I must tell
you about the new buvat. You swoon, my

dear.

Now, gentlemen, we must strike the
British where they least expect it.

to intelligence, if we move our group...

If we move our troops across the south
of Maryland, we can bottle up the

at Yorktown.

Yorktown. Of course. Of course. It's
daring, but it might work.

What is my date for tonight, Benji?
Quickly, sir. Go busy. Oh, it's tonight,

tonight, with those two barmaids? Yes,
sir. Good heavens, I forgot that. Where

are we meeting them?

Brandywine, sir.

Brandywine. Brandywine. What was that?

Brandywine Creek, sir.

Brandywine. If we want to meet the
British tonight, that's the place we

go. Brandywine. Now, that's a pretty
stronghold.

Yes.

Apprehensive, mon general.

Ah, yes, Brandywine Creek, it's begging
to be taken. The name sings.

It sings.

Brandywine Creek, where we'd be least
expected.

Aye, General, you've done it again.

Alert the men.

On to Brandywine. Brandywine, it sings.

It sings.

I'll muster the men.

Get the equipment rolling.

And if you're going amongst the men,
General, please do something about your

hair. It's disgraceful. Don't.

Brandywine, it sings. Ho, ho, ho, men of
flag and of rum, off we go.

Watch, watch, men.

of brandy wine.

As I write these words, I am getting
ready for the great adventure.

Great adventure?

If you'll pardon my saying so, Sarge,
but running a turkey raffle and winning

the turkey himself and then conning
Washington into going to brandy wine

he had a date there. Something of an
operator, huh? Rocco, you're speaking of

member of my family. That's for sure.

I really pity you guys. You don't
understand.

He was a hot -blooded aristocrat.

Sure, it was wine and women.

But when it came to bravery, how do you
think this sword was broken?

I'm sorry, Sarge.

Yeah, which is stupid, Sarge. Go on.
Yeah, come on.

Back at Valley Forge the next day.

The Battle of Brandywine was one of the
most disastrous defeats our poor army

suffered.

It was ill -conceived, ill -timed, and
why General Washington insisted on going

to Brandywine is beyond me.

But, Sarge, it was he who suggested...

Sorry. You don't understand. It was the
battle. It was the bravery that counted.

Wounded and exhausted, our men returned
to Valley Ford.

It was horrible. We didn't have a
chance.

Horrible.

Horrible.

Brandywine Creek.

How I cursed the fate that made me
decide on Brandywine. It wasn't fate. It

Major Bilko.

Major Bilko.

Where is he?

I don't know.

I didn't see him during the battle.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here he comes. Hold on, horses. The men
of the nibbling are here.

Here, gentlemen. I came here. I've got
it. I've got it at last.

What happened to you men? Good heavens,
you look awful.

What happened?

We just suffered a terrible defeat at
Brandywine.

Brandywine? Good heavens, don't tell me
you went to Brandywine, the British

stronghold? You told us.

I told, sir, I told you Yorktown.
Bottled them up at Yorktown is what I

said Yorktown.

Oh, really?

You feel that way, General?

Well, Bilko, I have witnesses.

It's quite all right, gentlemen. It was
an honest mistake.

History will never know. My lips are
sealed. General,

do something about your hair. This
doesn't become you at all. Quiet, Bilko.

Now, where were you during the battle?

Where was I?

While you men were off at this wild
goose chase.

I spent the entire night working,
working it out, and here it is.

For the officer's club.

Officer's club?

Yes, I have some definite ideas.
However, Benji's thought was to have the

billiard room in Chippendale. He thought
the general might like that. I was

going to ask the general's opinion.
However, after that mishmash he made in

Brandy... Now, we have to start here. I
thought it was all the room together in

the foyer. Major Bilko. Sir?

Give me your sword. Your obedient
servant, sir.

Now, go.

Yes, sir.

You and your chippendale, I told you he
wouldn't like it.

Oh, I don't like him.

What is the true story of the
disgraceful fact of why, in spite of all

efforts, Valley Forge never had an
officer's club?

Don't feel too bad, Sarge. Yeah, it
wasn't his fault Valley Forge didn't

officer's club. He tried his best.

Look, boys, thanks for trying to console
me, but you don't have to.

This proves how he straightened himself
out after that setback.

The oar lock of the boat used by General
Washington in our crossing of the

Delaware. He crossed the Delaware?

Hey, Sarge.

Sarge, I wonder which one is your uncle.

We'll soon find out.

We'll soon find out what he had to do
with this historic episode.

When Washington decided to cross the
Delaware and attack the Hessians at

Trenton, I was in charge of all the
boats.

All right, men, get your tickets for
that great crossing, friends. You want

have some fun.

Hessian girls. All right, men are only
$30.

$30, $30, $30. Major Bilko, I just must
be in the first boat with the general. I

told everybody. Everybody wants to be in
the general boat. It's crowded, I tell

you. I can't put everybody... Look, for
$20, I can put you in one of the smaller

boats you like in a lovely cloud. Very
intimate group.

Here, Benji. Fix him up. All right,
friends. All right.

You don't want to go to Trenton.

Okay, I got two round -trip tickets to
Camden.

No boats will leave until every ticket
is sold. Don't get shut out, men. Is

everything ready? General, yes, of
course it is. Good work. Where do I sit?

boat. Let me see the seat. Your boat was
crowded, sir. You were terribly

popular. They all wanted to be with you.
Vilco, where do I sit? Yes, just a

moment, General. I'd see. Oh, I put this
lieutenant on the stand. You know, the

little mal de mer. Let me see. Now, here
we have it. Oh, no. Not this seat. I

gave that to Captain Slocum. He was very
generous.

Vilco, in one minute, we cross the
Delaware.

Now, where do I sit?

Just, uh, where...

General, I'm afraid you're going to just
have to stand.

General Washington was completely
unreasonable.

He stood the whole way complaining.

Not once did he mention I didn't charge
him a cent.

Boys, I know what you're thinking.

You're right.

Sarge, this ancestor of yours, he was...
This ancestor of mine went out and

redeemed himself.

Look at this medal. The Medal of
Saratoga.

What does it say?

to Major Joshua Bilko, who has done more
than any other man for our great cause.

How did he get that?

Well, it's right here. Let me see it.
The Battle of Saratoga.

Our army has won a great victory. The
Battle of Saratoga.

How I would have loved to have been in
it, but I overslept.

I was summoned to General Washington's
headquarters, and again, the general was

unreasonable.

General, I don't understand why you're
stripping me of my rank just because I

overslept. After all, I was up half the
night questioning that very suspicious

Tory woman who happened to be in my room
at the time. At a time like this, when

we're shorthanded and trying to launch
our final drive to victory, I have to

you off my staff.

Sir, I am ashamed.

Where will we get someone to replace
him?

Sir, may I make a suggestion?

It's true that I am stripped of my
glories, but perhaps I can redeem myself

a worthy suggestion.

I can suggest an officer, sir, worthy of
your trust. A loyal officer. Benji, let

the general see you. What?

This young lieutenant who's been running
around with you? Sir, you won't find a

more loyal subject anywhere in the whole
realm, sir. Believe me. Well, it'd take

days to brief him. Well, that's his
great attraction, sir. He knows

because I've told him the maps, the
codes, everything he needs to know.

do need officers, sir.

Very well. I'll sign his commission. You
won't regret it, sir. You'll never find

a more loyal officer in the whole...
Yes. No, but that's the old maps. Will

give him the new maps that we have with
the new codes? Because I want him to be

up on everything. By the way,
lieutenant, we never did get you a name.

name is Arnold, sir. Benedict Arnold.

Benedict Arnold.

Your... How do you figure he got this
medal? Look.

To Major Joshua Bilko, who has done more
than any other man for our great cause.