All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e16 Hollywood

Maybe get me General Merritt in
Washington.

Now, let's get started on those TV spot
announcements.

You cheered to Rory Mundane and Gloria
Glow in their torrid love scenes and C

.D. Chadwick's great tribute to our
fighting G .I .s. They met in Okinawa.

You thrilled at the song hits in C .D.
Chadwick's great war epic, Iwo Jima

Now comes his most colossal of all
battle pictures, the true story of the

who landed on the beaches to win the
Battle of Caboose Island, Guns, Guts,

Gals. Hold on, will you, baby? Now take
this down.

A tribute to the men of Kabuchi Island.
They made the Japanese say uncle, and

the girls say more, more, more.

General Merritt, Jake Benson, did you
get the script and the advanced

of C .D.'s new picture?

Oh, but think of the boys who fought on
Kabuchi.

What sort of a tribute is this?

Their battle flag was a torn sarong, but
they blasted their way into Tokyo.

Look, General, C .D. makes five million
dollars in every war picture. Let's not

argue with success.

How about that army cooperation?

They want cooperation. Maybe if we
didn't cooperate on this.

We've got to cooperate.

Chadwick will go ahead and make the
picture anyway.

At least this way we'll know they've got
our soldiers in American uniforms.

Okay. Benson, please, reconsider.

Not a chance.

By the way, General, what did you do
about that request I wired you about

sending us a soldier who was in the
Battle of Caboochee and is still in the

Army? You know, sort of a technical
advisor?

I'm checking the records.

Technical advisor.

She'll take a couple of publicity
pictures and then send the poor guy back

without even seeing the studio. I know
the routine.

General, you kill me.

This just came in from record, sir.
Sergeant E. Bilko.

What's that?

That soldier they want in Hollywood,
sir, who was in the Battle of Caboochee

is still in the Army. He's stationed at
Fort Baxter.

Fort Baxter?

Where's that?

Roseville, Kansas. It's a very small
installation.

I'll get the commanding officer for you,
sir. Colonel J .T. Ball.

You're all permanent party.

With special attention to Sergeant
Bilko, in charge of motor pool.

Reports have reached me that army
vehicles have again been observed at the

drive -in theater.

I wish to point out... Take that,
Lieutenant.

I wish to point out that army
vehicles... Hold on.

It's the Pentagon.

The Pentagon?

Calling this post?

They must have the wrong number.

No, sir. It's for you. They're
connecting you with General Merritt.

For me?

Yes, sir.

Colonel Hall is ready.

The Pentagon calling?

Maybe we're at war.

Lieutenant, did you hear anything on the
radio this morning?

No, sir.

General Merritt, here's Colonel Hall,
sir.

General Merritt?

Bilko, representing the Army.

If I may be permitted, sir, he's not the
man.

Yes, sir.

I see.

I'll wait for the orders.

Get Bilko.

Bilko? Yes.

They're sending him on an extended, all
expenses paid trip to Hollywood.

To Hollywood?

Yes. Who said crime does not pay?

Dr. Bilko, sir.

Can I have a minute? I heard you wanted
me. I dropped everything and rushed

right over.

Now, how did these get in here?

I just received orders from Washington.

They're leaving us. You'll be missed on
this post. Why don't we give a party,

get some cold cuts, look at that. Wilco!

Why must the most serious conversation
with you suddenly become a sparring

match? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It's just
that you're so jovial to talk with, sir.

enjoy it. Wilco!

The order from the Pentagon concerns
you.

Me, sir? It concerns the time you were
on Kabuchi Island.

Oh, that. Are they bringing that up
again?

Sir, the call of inventory definitely
proved that that native girl was lying.

Wilco! I did pay her for the laundry,
Lieutenant. I gave her the standard rate

12 cigar coupons. 12?

It's not that. Washington is sending you
to Hollywood. You should see what she

did to my laundry, Lieutenant. Crushed
every button. I mean, you can't get them

in shape. It's enough to drive you out
of... Excuse me, sir. I thought I heard

you say something fantastic about
Hollywood.

I must be dreaming of something else, I
guess. They're making a war picture

about the Battle of Caboche. And the
Army is sending you to Hollywood for an

indefinite period.

Really, sir, I know we've had our
differences in the past, but I never

you'd resort to practical jokes. Oh,
sir, you do kid me. It's a joke, all

But it's true.

Here are your orders. You leave at once.

A movie?

I knew it. It was just a question of
time. A movie. I knew this would happen.

Remember now, Bilko, you're representing
the United States Army.

Bilko? Bilko Ankabuchi.

What a picture.

Bilko, I know you.

Now, if I hear that you've caused those
people the slightest amount of

trouble... Trouble? Sir, I'll give them
my full cooperation.

As a matter of fact, I'd better hurry,
sir. I wouldn't want to cause any delays

on my account. And thank you both very
much, sir. And believe me, sir, when I

get there, I'll see to it that you're
represented in this picture. Me?

Well, I was in Australia at the time.
It's the same war. What difference does

make?

And I'll see the character that plays
you as somebody worthy of the...

I have it, sir. I know who'll play you.
I've got the actor in mind. Spencer

Tracy. Please don't fight it with
Swayze, sir. I know it's you. Spencer

feel it. Thank you both very much.
Spencer Tracy. Don't talk me out of it,

Milko! I'll have no nonsense.

Spencer Tracy.

Yes, sir. It is ridiculous, isn't it?

You weren't so ridiculous about it. Oh,
nothing, sir.

In a few minutes, we're going to be down
there and we're going to see those

cameras grinding.

I want them to catch the heroism, the
raw bravery of Rory Mundane.

I want the story of Sergeant Skinner.

Miss Ryan, this is a conference. What is
it? It's the Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant what? He's that D .I. we
brought out here who was actually in the

Battle of Caboochee. I'll get rid of
him, C .D. Now, Benson, you know I don't

want any soldiers around when I'm making
a war picture. It makes me nervous.

Right, I'll send him on his way, C .D.

Oh, and he probably will want to thank
us. Send him in.

That's a gracious thought, C .D. Now,
look, boys, he's going to be a little

overwhelmed. You know a soldier among
important people.

Try to make him feel at ease.

Offer to shake hands with him.

They appreciate things like that. C .D.

Chudwick, we meet at last. At last.
Believe me, C .D., you are a hero to us

boys. And at war, every time there was a
lull in the fighting, they showed one

of your battle pictures. And I'd like to
say right here and now, it took our

minds off the war.

How are you? I don't think I've had the
pleasure. How are you? Danny Bond.

Danny Bond, the well -known director.

Say, look at those.

I guess I'd direct a few people in my
time. Do what about that?

How are you? Glad to see you. I don't
think I've had the pleasure.

written saw all your pictures. Believe
me, with this picture, you're going to

make a comeback.

You're all right.

We're very busy. Please, if you don't
mind.

Is that Julie Stein, the well -known
songwriter?

Yes, perhaps later on. Julie Stein, I've
waited for this all my life. This is a

writer, gentlemen. This is a proud
moment. He writes.

How'd you like that statement I gave to
the press? I guess they'll think twice

before they ever refer to you as Hokey
Pokey Chadwick again. Who called me

Pokey? How's C .D. doing?

Keeping things from the old man. He's
all right. He's keeping away from all

these little disturbances. He's a good
man here. Good man.

Benson, what have you been keeping from
me? It means nothing, C .D. Certain

irresponsible movie critics. Dogs.

Dogs. Mad dogs.

Fighting at the heels of one of the
greatest movie producers since Georgie

Jessel. This man...

Look, Sergeant, we're all ready to go.
There's really nothing more that you can

do. What I can do? Say, I'm going to
start to tell you how to make pictures.

wouldn't presume.

I'll just sit here as quiet as a mouse.

Here we go. Look at that.

All right, this is going to be great. Go
ahead, C .D.

Thank you.

Men, in a few minutes... We got them for
free. Help yourself, fellas. Sergeant,

please, Mr. Chadwick is trying to
make... I'm not trying anymore.

I'm giving it up.

Now get down on that set and get those
cameras rolling.

Get him out of here.

You'll be gone in five minutes, C .D.
Now, look, Miller, I know how Rory loves

those close -ups, but we've got to have
long shots.

This is a $50 ,000 set, and Sampson here
made an exact replica of it.

Anything wrong, Sergeant?

What is this?

What's that?

You were at Caboochee. You don't
recognize that? That, Sergeant Bilko, is

accurate reproduction of the north end
of Caboochee Island. Oh, the north end.

Oh, please forgive me. No wonder I
didn't recognize it.

You see, I was at the south end where
the battle took place. The battle took

place in the south end? He's crazy. I
have all the army records right here.

is where the key battle of Caboochee
took place. Well, excuse me. I just

happened to be there at the time. I
don't know what I'm talking about. As a

matter of fact, gentlemen, I prepared
some brochures on my contribution to the

battle. Be free to use my name, whatever
you want.

Samson, I thought you did thorough
research on this.

But he's crazy. The main battle took
place at the north end of the island.

look, what's with this north end? You
got a little real estate there you're

pushing or something?

You're making an extra buck. Let's stick
to the facts. I'll tell you, I checked

every detail. You checked every detail.
How come no mention of Sergeant Ernest

Bilko, who only led the charge?

Bilko. Ernest Bilko. I knew that name
was familiar. I might add right here,

name was in many a dispatch. Yes,
indeed, you certainly were. Major

There was a lot of jealousy between the
major. Gentlemen.

Believe me. Gentlemen, you're looking at
the only American soldier who took a

Japanese prisoner and tried to hold him
for ransom.

was try to show the general staff how to
win the war at a small profit. This is

ridiculous. Come on, men. C .D. Chadwick
is waiting. Let's go. Wait, wait. We've

got to settle this. The public don't
mind if we throw in a love story and

songs, but if we stage the whole battle
at the wrong end of this island... But

it's not the wrong end of the island.

What difference does it make, north end,
south end? All you've got to put on the

scene with the burning tank where I
rescued the men...

Hey, burning tank. That's good raw
stuff. We can put glory and glow in it.

Would you mind? Would you hold that just
a minute? What was that, Julie? I got

the song.

My heart is a burned out shell.

May I say something?

Julie Stein just did it again. May I
make an opinion? This boy's got another

hit. My heart is a burning shell. That
song will be sung and hummed long before

this picture's forgotten.

My heart is a burned out shell.

a minute. Mr. Chadwick wants to say a
few words. Go ahead, C .D.

Thank you.

Benson, call the studio cops and throw
this troublemaker off the lot.

Just a minute, C .D. I just made a few
technical suggestions. Out!

This picture starts on schedule whether
you like it or not. I understand.

I'll get your plane ticket. Thank you.
Will you see the same reporters in there

that were here to greet me when I
arrived?

Oh, never mind. I took the liberty of
taking their names. They were very kind.

Give me that phone number. Oh, this is
the one. I'm Hedda Hopper. That's the

I'll call. Trescue 5.

Bilko, wait a minute. What are you
talking about? Well, I happen to give

definite statements about my confidence
in C .D. Chadwick's burning desire for

accuracy. Now, Bilko, listen. Now, these
reporters might be interested that you

threw an American soldier, a veteran of
that battle, off the lot.

I'll call him Trescue 6.

C .D., if he gets to those reporters...
But he's a troublemaker. I saw it the

moment he walked in here. Yeah, and he
can cause us plenty of trouble now. He's

an operator in one minute. He had us
changing that picture. Imagine what'll

happen if he gets to those reporters.

Think of your reputation, C .D.

Hokey -pokey.

Hokey.

Go get him. Catch him before he gets to
the airport.

Hurry up. You're a reasonable man, C .D.

I was a bit hasty. Now, don't do that.
Let me think of you as the big man you

are. Please don't crawl.

Who's crawling?

That's what I like. A man that talks up
to me. A man that has... Look at that.

You'll see the name Strongheart. They
refer to me once in a while as

Strongheart.

We loved all your suggestions. And just
to prove it, Mr. Chadwick is going to

send a wonderful letter to your
commanding officer.

Listen, let's get down to the set. On
the set. I'm sorry, Sergeant Bilko. No

outsiders are allowed on Mr. Chadwick's
set. That's the one rule I never break

once we get down there in the firing
line. I can understand.

Jimmy Fidler, well, let me see. But of
course you're going on the set.

Mr. Chadwick meant no outsiders on the
set. After all, he's not an outsider, is

he, C .D.? No, he's just like one of the
family.

Julie, why don't you take Sergeant Pilko
off to lunch? Then when we're ready to

roll, bring him onto the set. Say, this
is a lot of fun. I'm finally going to

see them make a picture. Gee whiz. This
way, Sergeant. Thank you, Judy. Listen,

I like that.

We'll work on it. I'll show you how to
fix the word.

Benson, are you crazy?

Letting that troublemaker down on the
set?

You know these army people. Why, we'll
be making changes. Just one little

change, C .D. He's an operator. Don't
you get it? All he wants to do is see

himself in that picture. So? So we call
one of the soldiers Bilko. He hears his

name. He sees himself.

This afternoon, he's headed back to his
camp with stars in his eyes. You're that

bit player that brings Rory the
ammunition. We can call him Bilko.

need. C .D., this guy can cause us a lot
of trouble.

Okay. I told you that's a long scene. I
want scene one, the ammunition scene.

But nobody's talking to Mr.

Hedrick. those lights up there, please.
Let's go with that, huh? All right,

bring that half rod over here. Ready,
Bill? Check.

Traverse.

Speed.

Speed.

Sticks. Love and a foxhole. Scene one,
take one.

Stand by.

Gee, this is going to be a lot of...
Action!

This way, men.

Let's get them.

and let me ask you, is he supposed to be
Sergeant Skinner? Sure, why?

What a lucky break for you I was here.

Break? Sergeant Skinner was a little guy
this hall. He had no teeth, big ears.

Oh, you're lucky. And he had a list.
What? Oh, I'll never forget that list.

Every time the order was in the battle,
he used to say, let somebody else go.

What kind of part did you give me? Well,
this is a movie.

What do you mean a movie? Let's be
reasonable, old kid. Skinner had no

He had a squint design and an ugly mole
on the right side of his cheek. Right?

Oh, I didn't see that. Good casting. All
right, roll the paper.

Nothing, Mr. Chadwick. Sergeant Bilko
just pointed out that... Benson, didn't

tell you to throw him off the lot?

Well, all right. If I could just make
one phone call. Let me see. Jimmy

Wait a minute, Sergeant.

Is this name Lulu Parsons or Luella?
Now, don't be hasty, Sergeant.

C .D., he hasn't seen that sequence yet.
Well, it better be good. All right. Go

ahead, Ben.

All right.

Don't make a fuss out of me. I don't
want to be in anybody's way. You're not

anybody's way. Just sit down. I don't
mind standing. No, you better sit down.

You're liable to see something that'll
knock you right off your feet. Okay.

Okay, everybody, let's take it back
where we were.

It's suicide, Sergeant Skinner.

Speed. Speed.

Sticks. Lob in a foxhole. Scene one,
take two.

supposed to be?

That's you we thought if we put you in
the picture. Well, I hope you thought

enough to have enough money to withstand
a $100 ,000 libel suit. A libel suit?

It's a libel suit. He's supposed to be
me and that was 12 years ago. I was

handsome. I had a full head of hair.
This horrible... No offense, buddy. Show

him out! Now, C .D., this can be ironed
out. It'll only take a minute to recast

him. Recasting?

Yeah, a little. Why don't you get Cary
Grant to be perfect for me? Stop!

Throw this man out.

Throw him out, too.

Throw them both off the set.

Throw everybody with glasses off the
set.

Mr. Chadwick, please, the newspapers.

We'll give them our side, too.

Belko, out.

I'm sorry, Mr. Chadwick. I have given
you a lot of trouble, and I really am

sorry. If I could just have a picture
taken with you as a memento, I'll be on

way. Of course, of course. Still, man.
Oh, well, now you're being reasonable.

I'll autograph it, too. Hold that a
minute.

Okay, take it.

Thank you. What's that?

This, Mr. Chadwick, is a battle ribbon
given to us by a grateful nation for our

contribution to the Battle of Caboochee.
I want you to have it. Because this

picture now makes this medal a thing of
mockery. Let me see now. I'll have six

of those pictures. Where can I get Jimmy
Starlin? Now, wait a minute, Sergeant

Bilbo. Destroy that film! I can get
another actor in 15 minutes.

We're over a barrel.

Break for 15 minutes!

All right, everybody take 50.

Yeah, as long as we're breaking, if you
look at my brochure, I want you to put

that scene in there where I single
-handedly wipe out this Japanese machine

mess. With one gun, I was fearless.

I charged in the... General,

have a heart. We're a week behind
schedule. Everything is chaos.

And it's all because of this bilko you
sent us.

Order him back.

We're begging you. Order him back.

Now, look, Benson.

He's on detached service to you. It's up
to you to tell him when he's through.

What are they doing to that poor G .I.?
The way they kick soldiers around.

There's the 63rd candidate for the part
of Bilko.

It was easier to cast Gone with the
Wind.

We've got to get this picture started.

Sergeant Bilko. Wait a minute, wait a
minute. I got him on a soolong. Take it

easy.

That finishes it up, boys. Sorry. Better
luck next time. I'll meet you behind

the bush.

Is that him? Turn around. How are you,
son?

All right. It's pretty good, but he
isn't the type I want for me. I want

vibrancy. I want virility.

I want a guy... You sure you couldn't
get Burt Lancaster?

Lancaster.

Sergeant Bilko. What is this Sergeant
Bilko? Call me E .B.

E .B., I know you don't want me to
crawl, but I'm crawling now on my

hands and knees.

I've done very mundane on the payroll.

Hundreds of extras.

Cameras waiting.

All right, I don't blame you for being
mad. I've never seen such lack of

organization where I could start these
cameras rolling in five minutes. Five

minutes? Little changes.

Anything, anything. All right, I'll send
everybody.

Monday! Don't forget those changes I
told you.

Takes an old soldier to get things
started.

At last we're rolling. I can't believe
it.

Look alive, this is my seat. Look at
names before you sit down.

Love in a foxhole, scene one, take 66.

All right, Mundane, don't forget those
slight changes I told you about. All

right, stand by. Action!

I counted myself. What kind of acting?
He's the ammunition?

What is that?

Quiet!

Rory Mundane playing the bit part? Oh,
you don't understand. What bit part?

till you see the changes I've made in
here. We're calling this picture off.

now, don't be hasty. See, they're just a
little rewriting. Ah, there's going to

be some writing.

A report to your commander.

And this viper, this disgrace to the
American uniform, this ungrateful wretch

whom you sent to us as a representative
of the United States Army.

single -handedly has kept from the
public the story of the Great Battle of

Caboochee.

Signed, Cecil D. Chadwick.

P .S.

Carbon copies have been sent to the
Pentagon.

The Pentagon.

Just after they found out our telephone
number.

Gee whiz, Carol, I was just trying to...
Quiet!

Shame on you, Bilko.

These people were trying to make a
picture in tribute to you men.

General Merritt, put him on.

Bilko, give me your Sergeant's stripes.

My stripes, sir? Yes. I have a feeling
I'll be wearing them.

Sir, they can't blame you for something
like... Quiet!

General Merritt. Colonel Hall, I just
got Chadwick's letter saying that

of your Sergeant Bilko, he canceled the
picture.

Congratulations.

Here's what I want you to do.

What is that?

Of course.

Yes, sir.

Ordered me to give you a 30 -day
furlough.

30 -day furlough?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. He's right here.

General Merritt wants to talk to you
personally.

Me? Yeah.

Hello, General Merritt. This is Sergeant
Bilko.

He called me Ernie.

Yes, General?

Bilko, you did something the whole
Pentagon couldn't do.

How did you do it? Well, that's terribly
nice of you, General, to take that

attitude. I'm just trying to do my best.

Oh, I'd be glad to drop into Washington
and have a talk with you, sir.

I must say you're being terribly
democratic. Oh, yes, gentlemen.

Yes, it's very... Chair, chair, chair.

Yes, sir. Very nice.

Benson was played by Ralph Stantley.
Cecil B. Chadwick by Howard Smith.

Julie Stein played himself.

Coming next, Don Rickle met funny on
purpose.