All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e13 The Twitch

Now, Colonel, I've been on a good many
army posts and these waves of gambling

among the enlisted men come and go.

Well, it comes here when a certain
sergeant named Bilko is about to go on a

furlough and needs money.

Well, there's bound to be a certain
amount of gambling. A certain amount,

But here they bet on everything now.

On whether it's going to rain or not. On
what I'm going to have for breakfast.

I can't even eat. I look at an egg and I
see Bilko collecting money from someone

who had me down for pancakes.

Send in Corporal Barbella.

He's one of Bilko's henchmen who got
careless. I'm cracking down.

Corporal Barbella reporting, sir.

Corporal, I realize that you're just a
tool in the hands of a mastermind.

Sergeant Bilko had nothing to do with
this. I didn't mention any names.

I suppose you know why you're here,
Corporal. Yes, sir. I was caught

craps after lights out.

Shooting craps after lights out?

Bilko invention.

Luminous dice.

Corporal, I want you to take word back
to Bilko's Barracks, otherwise known as

Little Las Vegas.

But I'm getting fed up and I'm cracking
down.

Yes, sir.

Good heavens, what was that? Oh, a
single -core carrier pigeon.

Thank heavens for them.

It's the only thing that I've been able
to get the men interested in that's

worthwhile. They fly them to Camp
Crofter and back. Oh, excellent,

Very relaxing, sir.

You'll have 15 days to relax.

15 days, sir?

I'm restricting you to post for 15 days.

Yes, sir.

Well, Captain, I suppose you have the
general idea of what our problem is.

Yes, the general idea and somehow how to
solve it.

You can stop this gambling?

Let's face it, Colonel.

This is a service installation and it
just hasn't any recreational facilities.

There's not even a morale officer on the
post.

We had one.

He came down with melancholia.

Well, Colonel, it's up to the officers
to see that the men get interested in

something else, something more cultural
like music and poetry.

Captain, you're new at Fort Baxter. My
men are not interested in that. Now, I

know, I know, but fortunately my wife,
Gloria, and I have had quite a good deal

of experience in this kind of work.

All right, I'll call an emergency
meeting of several officers and their

my quarters this evening. Fine, fine.

Send in Lieutenant Anderson.

Oh, and having a enlisted man there to
get the men's point of view is

Somebody good at promoting post
activities.

Captain, I'll give you the biggest
promoter in the army.

Lieutenant, see that this message gets
to Sergeant Bilko immediately.

But, sir, this is their study period.
Interrupt them. This is important.

Yes, sir.

Study period.

Under the G, 56.

Under the B, 12.

Under the B, 12.

Hold it. All right, what is it now?

I need more corn.

Give her more corn.

Doberman, do you come here to eat or to
play bingo? Look alive.

Under the O, 70.

Under the U, 70. Hold it, brass coming.
Brass coming. All right,

here it is, men. A very important
detail. Perimeter 3, 37.

Longitude 36, latitude 43.

Lieutenant, how are you, sir? Sergeant
Bilko.

Message from Colonel Hall. Thank you,
sir. I'm just putting the men through a

little map drill, you see. Go right
ahead.

Perimeter 6, 14.

I've never seen such small mounts.

Oh, I had them made especially. It
sharpens their vision, sir. Keeps them

ball. You understand.

Perimeter 3, 84.

Bingo!

What was what, sir?

Somebody said bingo. No, sir, that was
Private Doberman. He yelled, Bilko, he's

full of questions. Oh, he really wants
to learn. I'll help him a little later.

Thank you, sir. That's all. Thank you.

Perimeter 384.

All clear.

Cards over.

Under the N30.

Under the N30.

Hold it. Under the B2. Under the B2.

Hey, Bilko, I just got this on the
radio. The pigeons landed at Camp Crop.

All right.

Take it easy.

Pigeons left, 0900.

Arrived, 0917.

And the winner, Little Blue Wing, paying
660 to win, 330 to place, 2 ,000. I got

it.

Second, Speedy Sal, 220, 210. 220,
that's me.

And for third, Hurry Up Harry, paying
360 to show. I got it. All right, fans,

stand by for the Daily Double.

All right, police the area.

Okay, come on, Doberman, help me with
this. Hi, Ernie. Hey, there's Rocco.

Rocco.

All right, quiet, quiet.

Restricted you to the quarters, huh?

He gave me exactly... Call it.

All right, now, all you men, all you men
who are in the how many days we'll call

for Barbella restricted pool, get ready
with your slips.

All right, what was your lucky number? I
got 15 days.

15 is the lucky number. 15, I don't
know.

What's going on here? On the double
formation.

May I remind you men that you are still
in the United States

Army. What is this goofing off and
wandering around? We got work to do. And

so much time to do it. On the ball.

We've got a busy schedule.

Now pay attention.

The finals in the gin rummy round robin
start at two.

At three there will be a meeting of the
jacks or better literary circle.

All bets on what color Lieutenant
Duber's wife's hair will be this week

in by five o 'clock.

Corporal Barbella will be outside of the
post beauty shop and rush us the

results. The canasta tournament starts
at seven sharp right after the bed

contest. And some of the foods march.

All right, watch with the military.

Take it easy.

And Captain Wells.

Mrs. Whitney and Captain Whitney.

How are you doing, Captain?

And now that we've all met the newest
members of our post family, Captain

Whitney and his lovely wife, shall I
call the meeting to order?

Well, I think we'd better wait for
Bilko. Oh, yes, I guess so. We can't

well discuss gambling on the post
without Sergeant Bilko present. It's

having a cabinet meeting without the
president.

Really, John, Sergeant Bilko is as sweet
as most consistent. Young man. All

right, Nell. He's just misunderstood.

But, Nell, let me tell you, if you...
Come in.

Colonel Hall.

Sorry I'm late, sir. I was going over
your orders of the day with my men. I

became so absorbed in them, I lost track
of the time, sir.

I'm sure.

Welcome, Sergeant Bilko.

Thank you, miss.

Colonel, you didn't tell me your
daughter was visiting you for the

It's Mrs. Hall.

Excuse me. If you keep getting any
younger...

If you get any younger, we're going to
lose you to a rookie.

All right, Bill Canole, let's get to
work.

Hi. Oh, there you are. Oh, you make a
sofa a throne.

That's what I call this meeting. Well,
Mrs.

Doober, whatever have you done to your
hair? It's enchanting. You're lovely.

What color is that?

It's two -tone.

All bets are off.

Oh, I'm sorry. We just... Bill Canole.
Excuse me.

When are you going to get one of those
Italian boy cuts and drive the post out

of its mind?

Oh, I... But you are devastatingly...
Bilko, please. I'm sorry, sir. I was

so carried away that... Excuse me, I
don't believe we've met. Oh, Mrs.

this is Sergeant Bilko. Oh, how do you
do? Well, bisous vous, très charmant.

Oh, mais pas jolie. Oh, it is charming.

Oh, they are lovely. I'm sorry I just
carried away when there's so much beauty

one forgets.

Oh, you girls won't give us batches a
chance, will you? You're lovely, you

savages, you.

Sorry,

sir. I call this meeting at the request
of Captain Whitney.

He thinks that we'll be able to stop
this hysterical wave of gambling that's

gripping our post.

A wave of gambling, I may add.

that is spearheaded by one mastermind.

Well, who is this mastermind?

Oh, excuse me, please, Colonel.

Would you mind saying that again?

What? I mean what you just said.

Well, who is this mastermind?

Don't tell me. I know.

The Broadway stage. Am I right? I beg
your pardon? You must have been on the

stage. Only one of the stage can speak
with such authority, such clarity of

tone. All right, Pilto. Oh, excuse me.
This is important.

The dramatic love. She's perfect for
Camille.

Camille! She's beautiful.

Camille! Ladies, please!

I know her.

Vilco! I'm sorry, sir. I've seen you.
I've seen you.

Captain Whitney!

Will you take over?

Glad to have you aboard, Captain.

Oh, Colonel, you do surround yourself
with splendid men. You certainly do.

I have found it.

Men gamble as a substitute for other
forms of recreation.

So just give them something constructive
to do, like handicraft.

Now!

Colonel,

have you a woodworking shop on the post?

We had one. The men worked like beavers
for one week.

Really? What did they build?

A crap table.

Yes, I was never so shocked in my entire
life. And in whose barracks did we

discover it? Oh, my, what a lovely anti
-commissar. Oh, isn't it lovely?

Don't shock me again. You didn't make
this yourself. Oh, don't be angry.

It's just me. It's a dream come true.
Dream come true.

Dream come true.

Dream come true.

My wife and I formed a successful
project in, remember Camp Collins,

Oh, yes, folk dancing.

The men loved it.

We tried that.

Mrs. Duber, tell them what happened.

Somebody brought in hostesses and began
charging ten cents a dance.

Won't you try some of Mrs. Hall's icebox
cookies? You'll find it lovely.

Oh,

what you can do with two eggs is
amazing.

Ladies,

please! Bilko! This is a meeting.

I'm sorry, sir.

Instead of talking about recipes, tell
them about that bird watchers club we

formed for you men.

Oh, yes, it was the most exhilarating
experience.

And very strange, too.

When anyone saw bobble ink, money
changed hands.

Bobble ink was three to one.

I mean, we were raising money to get a
bird back.

You see, the last thing we want on this
post are dirty birds.

Do you see how hopeless it is?

Oh, please. Colonel, Gloria and I face
tougher problems than this.

Remember, dear?

Poor Green Star.

Tell us about it, Mrs. Whitney.

Oh, yes, do tell us about it. Oh, you
must be one.

We want to hear you speak. It'll be so
enchanting. Won't you please?

Oh, Captain, you are a lucky man.

Oh, I know where I saw her. The movies.
I saw you in the movies. I know it.

Gloria. Yes.

To begin with, you see, what happened
was this.

Ted simply just couldn't seem to get
anywhere with any projects. The men just

weren't interested. And then I
remembered a lecture I gave back in

Sarah Lawrence.

That's where I saw you. It's a girls'
school.

Well, anyway, so I made up this
wonderful lecture, and it was all about

Beethoven, his life in music.

Oh, Gloria, don't be modest. It was a
smashing success.

Oh, it sounds enchanting, doesn't it,
Colonel Beethoven? I've given it 17

since. Wherever Ted stations, sooner or
later they ask for it. Sir, it can't

miss. Well, I don't know.

Well, we could schedule it in the
recreation hall for Saturday night.

Yes, we could start the evening with a
string quartet playing some of the more

popular music like Bartok and
Stravinsky, and then Gloria takes the

Ted.

Well, we'll have to see if the men will
go for it.

What do you think, Sergeant Bill?

Bilko! Oh, yes, yes, it's a smash. You
can't miss, sir. It's wonderful.

Srebinski, Beethoven, oh, it'll be
glorious. And to my dying day, I must

that I won't be there to see it, you
see. I'll be away on my furlough. I am

afraid not.

Not, sir?

Bilko, you're responsible for the
gambling on this post, so I'm going to

you responsible to see that that house
Saturday night is going to be full, that

every seat is going to be filled.

Bill, sir, with Beethoven and
Stravinsky, get the men in on a night

Quiet!

You will get the tickets, and you will
see that we have a full and responsive

audience.

But, sir, my furlough, it's all
arranged. Otherwise, you will not go on

furlough. But the things are all
arranged in New York. The tickets for

planetarium, the museum.

And all the gifts I'm bringing back to
Bill. No, no!

A full house.

Yes, sir.

And... Now that the meeting is over,
anybody for bridge?

Splendid idea.

I'm afraid not, Mrs. Hall. After all, it
is a form of gambling.

And I'll say good night.

John, if you just let Sergeant Bilko go
on his furlough... Now, please, get the

bridge tables.

to tell you guys.

I promise not to tell.

Good morning, men.

Good morning, Sergeant Bilko.

When I think of how I rack my brain to
think of little things for you guys.

Man, I got some tickets here. Freeze.

Freeze, you commandos.

This is the way you react, huh? When I'm
trying, well, if you want to know

something, wise guys, these tickets are
free.

And that's a word I don't use so often.

I don't want this to get around the
post. I'll be swamped for tickets.

Men, this Saturday night, one night
only, in person, you're going to see the

hottest little springboarder you ever
saw.

Hottest little what? You're not kidding
when you said hottest little what, boy.

And just the way you've always dreamed
of them. Fudge, I'll take a ticket. What

are we going to see, Sarge? You're going
to see one of the greatest movement

quartets you ever saw.

What did he say?

I think he said string quartet.

String quartet?

See, you're having fun already. Hey,
well, wait a minute. It is a string

quartet.

Stravinsky. How about that, huh?

What is this Stravinsky?

Jerk, that's Minsky. He went back to his
old name.

Boys, this is a... How this ever got
past the post -censor, I'll never

understand. Some heads are going to roll
around here when they see this.

Hot stuff, M. Bilko.

Mrs. Gloria Whitney will present her
lecture on Beethoven.

Yeah. A lecture on Beethoven?

I'd rather take shots. Come here. Come
here.

Of course it says lecture. They've got
to say lecture.

What it really is, is an expose.

Expose.

Expose.

Listen, do I have to tell you, you heard
stories about the musicians in those

days? This Beethoven, whoo!

Hot Lips Beatty, they used to call him.

Boy, his private life story. There was
one thing about him.

In Heidelberg, there's a story, in the
middle of a cantab, he was caught.

I blush when I think of him.

Are you kidding? This is nothing but
long hair music.

Just for that, you can't go.

Always suspicious.

If he gave him a dollar bill, he'd want
to know, why is it green?

Beethoven. Stravinsky. Is he kidding?

Now, look, man, this is one big night
with that long hair. What do you tell

lover? Serge, I'd like to go.

Number six. All seven. Here, here. This
one's on me. I wonder what... Hey, look

what they just got in.

I've been waiting for this for months.
Is it real, Garland?

Garland, it's so... It's the latest
thing at the Birdland. Wait till you dig

this.

What do you have?

Wow.

He really had a beat, man.

What's that?

Where can you hear music like that these
days?

You'll love it. If you come to the rec
hall, you'll have a... Now, fellas,

remember. Now, give me a break. New
York, Seymour, Lamar.

Anything but a lecture.

There must be somebody that goes for
Beethoven.

How about Mrs. Beethoven?

Oh, stop with the jokes.

I got things to work out around here.

Hey, Bilko, how about a game of cards?

Cards?

Gambling? When there's a fine thing like
a lecture, men, you're all invited.

Mrs. Whitney.

No, thanks.

Mrs. Whitney.

No kidding.

So the twitch is on the post.

The twitch? Yeah. I caught a lecture up
at Fort Bender. Boy, did she twitch.

Like this.

Ludwig von Beethoven twitched.

Oh, sure, I remember. I saw her give
that lecture in Manila. She must have

tugged at a girdle 15 times.

15 times.

You boys must have been asleep.

We took count up at Fort Bender. For
Beethoven, it's always the same. 20

twitches. You're crazy. I seen that
lecture five times. She never twitched

than 15. Don't tell me it's 20 twitches.
Grover, you were in Manila. Did she

ever twitch more than 15 times?

Andy is right. 15 twitches is a limit.

It's 20 every time.

Are you guys talking about the twitch?
Yeah. What's your number? I seen her up

at Fort Hamlet. She went 22.

But it was a hot night.

You're right. You're right.

He never twitched more than 15.

15?

50? She twitches more than that before
she even gets up to talk. I was there. I

was there.

Wait,

wait, wait. Hold it. You want to bet
him? Bet him $20. Yeah. I'll take that.

You want to bet on that?

$20? You want to raise that? Yeah, I'll
bet.

Wait,

wait, wait. Why don't we do it right?

Let's have a pool.

A pool. All right.

Wait a minute. Now, one thing you're
aware of. I'll be the only guy at the

lecture. You take my word for it, don't
you? Oh, that will be the day. Give me

30 tickets. Give me 25.

Hey, Sarge, you got any more tickets?

Oh, you must be kidding.

Oh, a friend of mine's coming up from
Chicago. He's dying to see the Twigs.

you kidding? There was a guy from
company that got sick, went to the

sold his ticket for 12 bucks. Hold
everything.

30 bucks more on 15 twitches. My whole
platoon shifted.

You got too much money on 15? Hey, this
is getting hot. I just got a radiograph

of Tokyo.

$40 on 14 twitches.

$40. You got the loot?

Yeah. All right, did you get in touch
with Manila, get all the information?

she broke the record with 26 twitches, I
want to get all the information I can.

Yeah, they said it was a murderously hot
night.

Half the twitches were mosquitoes.

Well, I want everything I can learn
about them. You know something? This is

getting a little out of hand. But you
know, the boys in Germany in the signal

car, they all chipped in and they want
to put a hundred bucks on 18 twitches

they're sending it by plane.

Have you got enough on 18? Well, you lay
out your own. All right, here. Cover

the boys from Berlin for me. This is
getting miraculous.

You know what happened? Four busloads
from a camp in Arizona came in. Two guys

hitchhiked from Texas on their furlough.

This is going to be the night. I hope
Mrs. Whitney's in good form.

I hope so, too. She's got more money
riding on her than on the Kentucky

Give him a minute. Give him a minute.
Take your hats off. You guys with your

hats off.

Come on. Keep it moving.

Find a room. Any place in the hall.
Spread out. Spread out. Give everybody a

chance.

Hold it. Sorry, boys. The fire laws. No
more room. Go outside. Look through the

window. I don't understand it. They
didn't turn out like this for Marilyn

Monroe. Well, I told you, Colonel.
There's a thirst for culture which

denied. But I must admit that it's a bit
of a new high even for Gloria. Oh, no.

Well, we'd better get started. Where's
Sergeant Bilko?

Bilko!

We'd better get started, sir. Yes, yes.
All right, sir. If you'll just take your

seat. All right, men. Simmer down.

This is it, men. This is what we've been
waiting for. And you know who we can

thank for this great evening of
entertainment?

Our beloved C .O., and in my book, he's
C .O. of the year.

And I know you want to meet him and show
him how you feel about him. Here he is,

Colonel J .T. Hall.

How do you like this, Colonel? They're
going to love you.

Good evening, music lovers.

I'd like to introduce Mrs.

Gloria Whitney.

who will speak to us on the subject of
Beethoven.

Thank you, thank

you. Well, now.

Ludwig von Beethoven was born in the
little town of Bonn, Germany, in the

1770.

1771, 1770.

Little did Ludwig's family realize what
the future held in store for him.

At the age of 15, he developed

so rapidly and all sorts of things in
improvisation, including the violin and

the piano.

And that was the sixth tug, and she's
not even breathing hard.

You boys in Manila would be proud of
her. And to all of you camps who just

joined the network, she started out free
and easy.

Whoops, there goes tug number seven.

Well, this gal is really doing it free
and easy, and she's wonderful.

Came back to all points off the air.

All the gears.

Ludwig von Beethoven had really left
behind him a musical heritage that

will always be remembered by music
lovers the world over.

magnificent, Mrs. Whitney. I cried like
a baby.

Won't you give the boy some autographs?

Wasn't it great, Colonel?

Be in my office first thing in the
morning.

Yes, sir.

Shame. But, Colonel, you wanted a full
house.

We got this thing up so as to stop
gambling.

And we didn't want to start another
Belmont Park.

Bilko, you should be ashamed of yourself
betting on a thing like that.

If you expect to get a furlough, you
better forget it. Oh, sir, I forgot

the furlough. This is too big.

Oh, I'm going to follow this up.
Lieutenant Wigman.

Your what?

Lieutenant Wigman is going to lecture
next week on modern painting. I think

subject is the passion of Picasso.

Bilko, are you kidding me?

Kidding? No, sir. You think this is a
full house? Well, you see, next week I'm

going to have the tickets printed now.
Excuse me, sir.

Lieutenant. Lieutenant Wigman.

Yes, sir.

Did you tell Bilko that you were going
to make a lecture next week?

Oh, yes, sir. And he assured me that the
men will love it.

As you see, sir... I have an idea that
there are certain periods in

the life of Picasso... Excuse me! Excuse
me!

Mrs.

Whitney was played by Charlotte Ray.

Mrs. Paul by Hope Sandsbury.