All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e11 Bivouac

Platoon!

will bivouac in this area. Same as every
year. Same as every year, yes.

But with one exception. This year, we'll
have Sergeant Bilko with us. Sergeant

Bilko, that's the one you told me about,
sir? Yes, Sergeant Bilko.

Sick call, Ernie.

Once a year, the word bivouac brings on
a complaint that Major Donald... Now,

Colonel, when a soldier comes in with a
strange ailment, I must put him in the

hospital. Strange ailment. Look at his
record.

Every year, a new disease.

Rhinitis, oophitis, bovinitis,
bovinitis.

It took you a week to find out it only
affected cows.

Tonsillitis, twice.

Once the hard way, without tonsils.

I confess, Colonel, I'm helpless in
Bilbo's hand. I know. That's why I'm

Captain Curtis to examine today.

Was it the men called you at your last
medical post? Oh, I believe it was Iron

Curtain Curtis, sir. Iron Curtain
Curtis? Yes, sir. They've really got to

sick to get by me. Captain, if you let
Bilko get... Sir, you could consider

Sergeant Bilko on bivouac.

This platoon, that's you, led by
Sergeant E. Bilko, that's me, will leave

0900 on foot, carrying full pack tents,
field equipment, and proceed 20 miles to

bivouac area B, known locally as
Biddleman Swamp.

If he hit!

Anything else?

Sick call.

No. Here, here. Here.

Hey.

Hey, Chuck.

You guys have been goofing off pretty
good eyes, right?

Attention. Forward march. Nothing.

Nothing. You're not on a ball at all.

Come on, men. Let's get behind the
colonel and his glorious project of his

turn us into hard -muscled, steely -eyed
American soldiers that we've admired so

many times in the newsreels.

Tear up.

Dismissed.

Put me on a sick list. I'll be in the
hospital in 15 minutes.

Sarge, what's wrong?

I'll soon find out. Get me my medical
book. Every year we go on bivouac, and

every year you and the other master
sergeants check into the hospital for a

of polka.

Rocco, I'd love to join you guys in the
great outdoors, but I'm just not that

type. I told that to my master, but they
wouldn't... Ah, here it is.

Symptoms of rare tropical diseases.

There it is, gentlemen. This is the key
way. The key way to gracious living.

Ah, Miss Sergeant Sawicki, what
pinnacles of gastronomical delights are

busy little hands fixing for us today?

Chipped beef on toast.

Yes, sir. And only you can make it, pal,
with the lumps in the right places.

You do a great job, Stanley. Great job.

You look a little tired, though. A
little peaked, you could use a little

got news for you, Ernie.

This year, we ain't going into the
hospital with you. Wait till you see the

disease I picked out for you, pal. It's
a real grabber. You'll love it.

Forget it, Ernie.

Every year you come in here and try to
talk us into going to the hospital with

you. You know, being locked up with you
in isolation is like being in a foxhole

with a real fox.

You ain't gonna get us.

What's the disease?

Major Dunn will really flip when he sees
you.

Spiralitis.

Spiralitis? Yeah, you show up on sick
call with your body twisted all the way

around.

Twisted around?

It's a disease common with the natives
of Madagascar. You gotta stay out of the

window, you get screwed into the ground.

Get yourself another sucker. I've had
it. Now, you're not going to leave me in

that isolation ward all by myself with
my Wilkinson's disease.

Oh, that's what you got.

Oh, it's perfect. The only symptoms are
pain in the chest, spotting from your

eyes, and your right hand trembles. Oh,
it's great.

I ain't going in with you. Oh, you'll
go. Hey, tell me.

Isn't this huckleberry pie a little
sweet?

It's blueberry pie.

You taste that and tell me it's
blueberry pie.

Blueberry.

All those taste buds of yours. In
France, you'd be knighted.

Now, don't forget, when you come to the
hospital, bring a lot of fruit. We'll be

in there a week. I ain't going, Ernie.
You'll be there. You'll be there. No.

You'll be there. No. Oh, please, listen
to me. You'll be there, pal. Don't worry

about it.

No.

The creeping Caledonian croup?

Oh, it's great.

I was going to take that one for myself,
but it's you, Andrew. It fits you.

You'll be the talk of the malignant
disease set. I ain't going in with you.

At least on the post, I'm free to run
when you flash a deck of cards. But what

chance have I got cooped up with you in
an isolation ward? Look, when you show

up in a major's office, bend over and
wheeze a lot. It'll be very effective.

I'm not going in. Oh, you'll be, man.
Look, when you come to the hospital, be

sure and bring your mambo records.

Here, there's a new nurse. When she
hears the maracas, it goes out of her

It's no use.

It's no use. We took a vow. I'm not
going in with you this year. You'll be

there. Look, I'm going now. Last one in
the hospital is a dirty thermometer.

I'm not going to be there. Why do you
always fight me when I... Tell me, is

blueberry pie or huckaberry pie?

Blueberry. I guess you're right. Well,
see you at the hospital.

Oh, no, I'm not going to the hospital. I
made up my mind. You'll be there, pal.

I'm not.

That's perfect. Perfect, pal. Major
Donald will swear that you've got

poisoning. I never tasted rutabaga in my
life. You never?

You'll have your picture on every
medical journal cover in the world.

When you show up, be sure and bring your
record player, because Penland is

bringing his mambo record. I told you,
you're going in without us this year.

does everybody fight? Is this
huckleberry pie or blueberry pie?

Blueberry. That's what I thought. See
you at the hospital.

I'm not going in. You'll be there, pal.
I'm telling you, I'm not going in.

Well, sir, Sergeant Bilko isn't here
yet.

He'll be here. It's bivouac time.

When he comes, don't forget.

Don't worry, Colonel.

Miss Swenson and I know every trick.

He'll find out. that Captain Curtis and
I are running a hospital, not the

hideaway for fakers.

I think Bilko is in for a surprise.

Yes? Bilko?

He is.

Send him right in. We were expecting
him.

Do you mind if I stay? I've always
wanted to catch his act. It'll be a very

short act, I can assure you, sir.

Oh, excuse me. I was expecting Major
Donald.

Bilko? Sir?

This is Captain Curtis, one of our new
medical officers.

He's making the examinations today.

Captain, glad to have you aboard, sir.

Colonel, you do have the happy knack of
surrounding yourself with excellent men.

I always say John Hopkins' laws is our
game, Captain. Never mind.

Watch your stand on socialized medicine.
Never mind!

Is it over, Captain?

Well, Sergeant, what is it this time?

What?

What's wrong this time? Wrong?

Oh, I see what you're doing. You think
I'm here on sick call. I never felt

better in my life, sir. You what?

Of course, I just came here to check on
some of my men and see if they're trying

to get out of Bivouac by pretending
they're sick. They're a great bunch of

Captain, but they are rascals. They are
rascals.

This is Sergeant Bilko.

Bilko, you mean it's Bivouac time and
there's nothing wrong with you? No, sir,

just a little quickening of the pulse,
thumping of the heart, anxious to get

in those open spaces with my men,
digging those foxholes. Oh, sir, there's

nothing like Bivouac. How do you know?
You've never been on one.

Really, sir, that's unkind, just because
in the past I've been unfortunate

enough to get these rare afflictions. I
know, I know.

We shut off in 15 minutes. Yes, sir, and
I'm looking forward to it. Finally

getting out on bit back, sir. Oh, this
is a dream come true.

Never thought I'd make it, sir. Neither
did I.

Ah, he's a grand man.

A grand man, the colonel. They don't
make him like him anymore. You know, top

man in his class at West Point. You do
that, didn't you, Captain?

Sir, I see you're busy. If you'll just
sign these papers, I'll be off and join

my men.

What papers? Well, it just says that I'm
in perfect health to go on bit back.

You'll sign it, sir. I'd appreciate it
very much. You want me to sign this?

Well, you see, the men, they're...

Gossipers, you know, they're afraid that
if I go on Bivak, I'll break down. They

don't want the responsibility of
bringing a body home. You know that's

false rumors. You'll just sign, assuming
all the responsibilities. Well, just a

second. I mean, it's silly signing
anything if you're in perfect health.

I was in any better health, I'd be on
all the recruiting posters.

Nothing.

Nothing at all, sir.

Sometimes a little stick in there, it's
nothing at all. If you'll just sign, I'd

appreciate it. Well, I don't like to
sign anything until I'm sure I know what

I'm saying. Sir, it's just a mere
formality. If you'll just sign it.

Yes, sir?

Your hand, does it always shake like
that? Oh, no, no, sir. It's just an

accident. I'm just a little tense. I'm
dying to get out in those open fields,

toying my men on that dirt bike. In the
out... What is it, sonny?

Nothing at all, sir.

I take a deep breath and arrive... Are
you sure you're all right? Oh, sir, I'm

in perfect health. You can... You can...
Excuse me, sir. I don't want to be

impertinent, but is that a regulation
tie?

Why, of course it is. With polka dots?

Do you see polka dots?

Aren't there any... It must be these
glasses. I must have them clean, sir. I

really must.

Now, wait a minute, Sergeant. Now, just
when we're in... Trembling hands, pain

in the chest, spots before the eyes.
Now, what is that? It's nothing, sir.

Believe me, I'm in perfect health. The
only bilbo so far who's never contracted

a family curse of Wilkerson...
Wilkerson! No, sir!

I didn't mean to say that. I heard an
old husband. Please, sir. Pay no

to what you saw, sir.

It's not... It's on page 82, sir.

Wilkerson! Trembling hands. Sir, please.
Yes?

Audley, there's an emergency.

I'm putting you in isolation
immediately. The hospital. Oh, no, sir.

man to bed. Sir, won't you reconsider? I
want to join my men.

What war, sir? Sir, please, don't... War
D, the same war.

Put him in isolation.

Sir, stand back.

What's the matter with you men?

Don't you realize that Wilkinson's
disease is the most contagious ever

medical science? Good heavens, I almost
forgot. Sir, please forget... There's

luggage in the hall. Don't you stand
there. My luggage... Sir, won't you...

Wilco, who are you in contact with
today?

Sir, I'm no stool pigeon. My lips are
sealed.

Bilko, we've got to round up those men
and put them in the same ward with you

for the health of this whole post. Now,
who are they? Well, if you put it that

way, sir, I did share the same piece of
pie with Peter. Same piece of pie?

Now, what were those fellows' names?
There's so many men on the post.

Oh, yes, I believe it was Sergeant
Sawicki, Pendleton, and Grover. But,

please, I never felt better.

I'm in perfect health. Hey, are these
your things? Be careful with that

There's some egg rolls there. I don't
want it squashed.

Yes,

I know.

Look. There goes Bilko's platoon.

This is the site I've been waiting for.

Bilko leading his men.

Where is he?

Maybe he's behind them. Oh, didn't you
hear, sir? Hear what? Oh, it's tragic.

Oh, don't tell me. Yes, sir. He's in the
hospital. Captain Curtis says it's one

of the rarest diseases.

Stop the bivouac.

Stop the bivouac? Stop the bivouac. This
outfit doesn't go out without Bilko.

Yes, sir.

He's not getting away with it.

All right, this is it, men. Unpack the
luggage. I'll tell you where everything

goes. Oh, Martin built those bags. Back
again.

Can a moth stay away from the flame?

Hello.

Give me the diet kitchen.

Hello. Mrs.

Dombrowski. Yes,

it's Ernie. She remembers me. What else
do you remember, dear?

Yes, the steaks. Blood rare. That's a
good girl. I'm not clean of this year.

With the goulash, go out of your mind.
Yes,

I love you, too, you passionate poor
boy.

All right, sweetheart.

Wonderful girl if she could only cook.

Please,

you'll

have to wait your turn. Come on,
darling.

May I ask what's going on here? May I
ask what you're doing here when I didn't

ring for you?

for me.

This is Miss Swenson, the head nurse.

Nurses, get back to your duties.

Miss Swenson, a thousand pardons. And
here I've been waiting to meet you all

day. What's going on here?

I order you. Stop.

Stop. Would you say that again the way
you just said it? I order you to say

again, please.

I order you to? No, no, say it with the
same flash, the same fire you said it

with originally. Say it, please.

I order you to? Do you see it?

Do you see the same incredible
interpretation?

Garbo. Garbo?

You saw her, too. You noticed it, didn't
you? What are you talking about? Oh,

you know what I'm talking about. The
same bone structure, the same fire, the

same inner beauty. But then again, Garbo
was Swedish.

I'm Swedish?

Oh, no, please don't drive me mad.

Don't, please.

It can't be. It can't be that same happy
coincidence you... Well, the bone

structure there, it's Garbo. Look, we
won't say a word.

What was your stage name? Just tell us,
please.

What nonsense are you talking?

Oh, you know what I'm talking about.
Just tell us what plays you've been in.

live such a drab life. We love you
people at the theater.

I was never on the stage.

He's crazy.

Yes, I'm crazy. Crazy to think for a
moment this talent, this fire could have

been hidden for so long.

You're exquisite. That's what you are.
Tell us your stage name. Come, please.

Well, in nurse's school, we did have a
dramatic class.

Huh? Huh? I see things. Did I notice it
right away?

It was there all the time.

We did Peter Pan. Peter, oh, I could
just see you flying through the air.

I played the dog.

The dog?

Well, that producer should be
horsewhipped. Anybody that would take

talent... Oh!

What's wrong?

Please, please forgive this ecstasy,
but...

I just became conscious of your hands.
My hands?

There's something about Swedish women,
gentlemen. Their hands, they tell you a

story. There's an electricity in them
that... Oh, it's just overwhelming.

Oh, don't tell me you never gave a
massage before in your life.

Well, it was a natural fact when I first
came to New York. Oh, of course, I knew

it right away.

It's magic in their hands. Just against
the grain, dear. Not too hard.

Oh, it's heaven.

It's heaven. That's what it is.

Hilda, gently, Hilda. Hilda, gently.
You're ruining my clavicle. Gently,

And then she says to me, look, he bought
a goat. Fine. But how did you get a

goat that looks just like the colonel?

Oh, wait, it gets better.

Oh,

sir, I need some more oxygen. Quiet, on
your feet. On your feet.

Miss Winston, what's going on here?

Well, Ernie here complained... She was
kind enough. Now you keep quiet.

Miss Winston, come with me.

I know where we left off, dear. I'll
tell you later. Miss Winston!

Colonel, it's nice of you to get some
fruit for the colonel. Fruit! Never

Bilko.

Pardon me for breaking in like this. I
know you didn't ring for me. Oh, sir,

please. Be free to come here whenever
you want, won't you please? Thank you,

Bilko. I know how you miss not being out
there leading your men.

Sir, if they hadn't hidden my clothes,
I'd tear through these walls, sir.

Ah, Sergeant Sawicki, Pendleton, and
Grover. Hail, hail, the gang's all here.

How about that? Hail!

The past eight years, I've been laboring
under the delusion that I run this

post. It's time to face facts.

You, Sergeant Bilko, you run this post.

Oh, sir, I couldn't do it without your
cooperation.

I give you my word, sir, you're a
peerless leader.

I am a stooge. No, sir, don't say that.
But from now on, the joyride is over.

Private.

Twelve years of suffering.

Twelve years of finagling and goofing
off.

And you're going to get out there on
that bivouac. But, sir, regulations.

Regulations?

Regulations? Look who's talking about
regulations.

Tactic Boba Fatalis.

Mm -hmm. We'll use that one.

But, Captain, it's against all
regulations. I know. That's why only the

us must know about it. He's made a fool
of us, Miss Swenson. Now, two can play

at that game.

We're going to throw a scare into
Sergeant Bilko that's going to keep him

sick call for the rest of his life.
Where's the overseas record?

Here. To think I let him fool me into
getting him... Quiet.

Let's see.

Stationed in New Guinea in the
settlement of Govici.

Come along, Miss Spencer.

What is this? What is this? Somebody
would think I was sick or something.

Sergeant, all we know is you were just
put on the critical list. Critical list.

I knew I overdid it. I'm the victim of
my own talents.

Under the 081.

He's ready.

Under the N... Hello, Captain. Join us.
Bingo. It's only ten cents a cup. All

right? Now, Sergeant Bilko, just relax.
Relax.

Miss Swinson, I'm sure this X -ray must
be wrong.

X -ray?

Let me fess up to you, Captain, so I can
tell you... Now, please, Sergeant.

Please.

Hmm.

Is that a sign?

Well, we'll have to make some more
tests. Look, look, look, Captain. Before

go out on a limb, I'd better confess.

I never had Wilkerson's disease.

We know that, Sergeant. We know that.

The x -rays prove you haven't
Wilkerson's disease, but thank heavens

that x -ray and found out. Found out
what?

Now, don't get alarmed, Sergeant. No
case of Cactobulba fatalis has ever been

reported in this country before.

Cactobulba fatalis? What is that?

It's a tropical disease, 100 % fatal.

100 % fatal? Now, Sergeant, you couldn't
possibly have Cactobulba fatalis. Well,

thanks. Now, you see, the disease is
confined to the island of New Guinea, so

how could you possibly have it?

New Guinea?

I was stationed in New Guinea during the
war.

You were?

Yes. Oh, no, it couldn't be. You see,
this disease occurs only in a tiny

settlement called Gubichi, so...
Gubichi!

I was there for 18... You know I was...
Yes, sir.

Miss Swenson, alert the Walter Reed
Tropical Disease Lab immediately. Tell

we've isolated Pat de Bulba Fatalis.

Sir, Fatalis... Miss Swenson, you'd
better send it in court or it's going to

panic the country.

Sir, the... Now, Sergeant, you're going
to be all right.

Miss Swenson, alert the chaplain. The
chaplain...

Hope won't be the same without Bilko.

Where's Hampton Curtis?

He's at Sergeant Bilko's side, sir.
Well, he won't be for long. I have an

here from Major Donald stating that
Bilko is perfectly fit to go on bid

That phony faker.

He spent his last day in this hospital.

His last day?

What's wrong?

Sir, that phony faker, as you call him,
is at death's door.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

Come in.

Am I too late?

Sir, I'd like to speak to you for a
moment. I know all about it, please.

Leave me alone with the boy. Sir, I'd
like to explain... Please, that's an

order. Yes, sir.

Oh, no, Bilko, you don't have to salute.

Well,

sir, I sure got off bivouac, didn't I?
Pretty vices.

Mumble it.

Don't worry, don't worry. You'll be out
of here in no time. You're going to be

all right.

No use, Colonel, I know.

I've been ordered to that big bivouac up
yonder.

Bilko,

here are your stripes back.

Thank you, sir.

Master Sergeant Bilko.

You will see that I'm wearing these when
they... With full military honors.

I mean, you're going to be all right.

Full military honors. I don't deserve
it, sir. I've been a bad soldier.

No, Bilko.

You've been a good soldier.

It was a pleasure to inspect your
barracks. They were the cleanest on the

Colonel, I have to confess, I can't have
it on my conscience.

Those weren't my barracks you inspected.

I always led you to the barracks next
door.

Sir,

I don't blame you for being angry.
You're a great military leader, sir.

Great military leader.

Wilco.

I must confess, sir.

You know all that talk about me being
top man in my class at West Point?

Weren't you, sir?

They call me Melonhead.

Melonhead?

You must carry that secret with you to
your grave.

I mean, you're going to be all right.

Colonel, the captain has something very
important to tell you.

I'll be right back, Milko.

I will be with you right to the flat. I
mean, you're going to be all right.

And I'm going to give you a leave for
one month.

That's a promise.

Sir, if I can ever get out of here, I'll
take a bivouac for a month. That's a

promise. Colonel, the captain must speak
to you. Coming.

Hilda? Hilda, is that you, Hilda?

Well, little Peter Pan, I'll soon be in
Never Never Land.

I can't stand it! It's not your fault.

I'm... It was a trick. You're very
healthy. We didn't scare you.

Are you kidding me? You and Captain...
It's a gag?

I'm all right?

Yes. I can get on my feet again? Back to
the mumbo.

And the colonel promised me a month
furlough.

Wait a minute.

I promised him I'd do a month on
bivouac.

Does the colonel know about this? No.
Get me back in bed. Don't tell him

anything. I've got to get out of this
promise.

Held down depending on here. Give me
that.

It's getting darker, sir. Dark.

Hang on.

I know.

I made a promise that... After you, sir.
No, you go ahead, Bickle. Well, sir, I

made a promise to go out on bivouac,
but, sir, I just realized on my

I don't... You don't live to go on
bivouac. I know.

You promised. But, sir, my condition, I
don't... Oh, no.

Ernie, it occurs to me that I mentioned
something...

Rather personal to you.

You mean about Melonhead, sir?

If you promise not to reveal that, will
you promise to take me off bivouac, sir?

I didn't say that. But, sir, if you want
to make a deal... I'm not making any

deal! Sir, please, you're yelling at me.
My condition... I know your condition.

You're as healthy as a horse. And you're
going on bivouac.

M .P.! Sir, this shattered body.

You can't... Take this shattered body
and get it out on bivouac. Sir, won't

you... M .H.!

M .H.! Don't you dare!

Captain Curtis by Arthur Storch.

Money on purpose.