All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e07 The Hoodlum

Hey, what's with this cleaning Bilko's
got us doing?

Maybe House Beautiful is coming here to
take pictures.

I don't know. All of a sudden... Look
out!

What's the door?

Work, work, work. Scrub it up.

That's the way to go. Keep it clean.
Keep it clean. Everybody work. Work,

work. Shine.

Shine it, boy. Shine.

That's a good boy. Work, work, work.

Keep it going. Work it all the time.
Relax.

I owe a lot of it to Sergeant Bilko.
Here, I'll take it. Wait.

Hey, you shouldn't open up this first
school file. Special services, huh?

Hey, no wonder he's got us breaking our
backs getting this place a little GI.

Listen to this.

From Captain Blake to Sergeant Bilko.

Subject, submission of name for
consideration in Soldier of the Month

Bilko put his name in for Soldier of the
Month. He's out of his mind.

Soldier of the Month. He's the goof -off
of the year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who makes
Soldier of the Month gets a three -day

Huh?

Beginning to make a little sense,
suckers? Yeah, that new girl, Lolita.

nightclub singer in Tulsa. He's been
trying to get a pass to see her for

What an operator.

And he almost took us in. Well, if
Philco thinks I'm going to break my back

he can get three days in Tulsa having
himself a ball, he's off his nut. This

don't have to do. This I ain't doing.

Oh, come on, fellas. It won't hurt to
clean up the place.

Work, work, work, work, work. Everybody
work. Keep it clean. Add some voice.

Scrub it up, scrub it up. Shine it up.
Add some voice. Keep it going.

What is this, Doberman? Tea time?

Add a double for me.

Well,

you guys going to clean this place up or
ain't you?

Well, Sarge. Yes?

Doberman has something to tell you. Oh,
wait a minute.

Doberman, the ringleader, huh?

This is the cause of the mutiny, huh?

Just the thought of living in clean
barracks and in clean clothes for once

your life strikes terror into your
hearts, huh?

You think you'll be doing all the work
and I'll be soldier of the month, right?

Man, how can I make you understand?

If I do get to be soldier of the month,
they won't be honoring me.

I'm just a mirror that reflects you, my
comrade.

And are we going to share that trip to
Tulsa with you on that three -day pass?

Yes. Yes.

You're all gone there with me.

Maybe not in body, but in spirit.

I'll be thinking of you guys every
minute I'm there.

And when I meet Lolita and take her
dancing on that Belmore roof, Will it be

she'll be holding in her arms?

I'm just a symbol.

Yes, men, I'm just a symbol.

Even though you're here in the barracks,
you'll be there every moment, feeling

those warm, soft kisses, seeing those
flashing dark eyes and that cute little

nose.

Boys, yours. All yours.

Her hair, sir. Black like a summer
night.

With glints of stardust.

That's what's waiting for you guys in
Tulsa.

Eyes that flash in the night.

Jet black hair.

Figure like Venus de Milo.

Is that worth working for?

a court -martial for a young soldier and
recommending dishonorable discharge is

not an easy decision, Chaplain. But look
at this Private Parker's record.

Insubordination, fighting in barracks. I
know.

Chaplain, he's a hoodlum. He never
should have been drafted.

He doesn't want to be in the Army.

He's young. He doesn't realize that a
dishonorable discharge will follow him

through life.

Colonel, give him one more chance.

All right.

Send in Private Parker.

We're wasting time, Chaplain. This man
is incorrigible.

He tried... A Private Parker, sir.

You wanted me.

You're addressing an officer.

Sir.

Parker, put that cigarette out.

Parker, the chaplain thinks I should
give you another chance.

Oh, thanks for nothing, chaplain. Come
on, Colonel. What's holding up my

dishonorable discharge?

Break me, sir.

Make me a civilian again.

Wait outside for your assignment.

Yes, sir.

Spotless. That's the way I want it. One
spec can cost me that three -day pass

and soldier of the month. I don't... Who
did... Who... Who are you?

Parker. Chip Parker.

I've just been transferred.

Greetings. And pick up that cigarette.
He's new. He didn't... Here, here, here.

On a double. Pick up the cigarette.

Pick it up yourself.

Oh, this is all I need.

Baller, Hench. What? Tails.

Heads. Eye belt them. What are you, nuts
or something?

That's all I need. An NCO hitting a
soldier.

There goes the soldier of the month and
the three -day pass. Relax. I'll handle

it. See?

No trouble.

I'll pick it up myself.

All right, kid, as a little
misunderstanding, you'll be all right.

tents, new barracks, that bunk on the
end is yours.

I don't think you heard me, kid. This is
Doberman's bunk. The bunk on the end is

yours. I like this one. Why, you
little... No, no, no trouble.

Why? Why?

Now look, son, this is the army. You
see, somebody's got to give orders. In

case, it's me. You see these stripes?
Now look, Rube, there's only two kinds

animals that wear stripes, sergeants and
skunks.

Funny. Hold my hands. I don't want to
hit him. Hold me.

Now, listen, son, you're a little...
Look, Buster, you're beginning to annoy

Why don't you run along?

Now look, kid, I'm going to play ball
with you. I know you're a little...

meatball, you don't seem to get the
idea.

I'm not doing nothing for you.

Now, if you don't like it, make your
move now.

Or shut up and stop annoying me.

Hold me, hold me. I can still reach him
with the feet.

Come on, Sarge, let us go. I want to go.

No, no trouble. I got to get that path.

Happy Barrett. Come on. Happy, leave him
alone. Let me look at his army record.

This ain't an army record. It's a police
blotter.

Well, we got to straighten him out. The
question is, how do we do it?

Hey, Sarge.

Why don't we use the same gimmick we
used on that Dawson kid? Remember the

Dawson kid about six years ago? He
thought he was tough, too.

Yeah, that was too much of a production.
We'll straighten him out, but wait.

At least now it's quiet. There's no
trouble.

What's going on in here?

He pulled a knife on me! One move, Slob.
Just one little move. Oh, Doberman,

he's just having a little fun with you.

I'll relax you. He pulled a knife on me!
When you stop, they think you're

clowning. Come on, he's only clowning.
Come here, I want to talk to you. No

trouble. Come here.

Look, Sarge, we'll go along with you,
but you can't take punks like that. All

right. He pulled a knife!

Now, you got him wrong. He's a nice kid.

Reminds me a lot of that Dawson boy, eh,
Rocco?

Yeah. Tonight?

Tonight. Thanks. Let's get the maps.

Now, look, play ball with me. All right?
Let's have a happy box. Forget the

incident. Relax. Come on.

Lights out. Go to bed. Come on.

What a bunch of farmers.

Chick, I want to talk to you.

Oh, I'm all ears. Get lost. Now, don't
be an umche. We've been watching you.

Rock, Hench, and I, we like what we see.

You think big.

I guess anybody that can take care of
himself looks big to you guys. But you

just ask around the south side of
Chicago about Chick Parker.

Ask some of the big boys.

And I mean big.

Yeah, I know. That's why we want you in
with us.

You working a caper?

What is it, a Halloween dance or a
turkey raffle?

You don't want to blow this deal. It's
pretty good. Now, you want in or not?

Why not? It might amuse me. Okay.

Somebody will contact you right after
light's out.

Farmers. I'm surrounded by farmers.

Hench! It's us!

You guys have been seeing too many
movies.

Over here, Parker.

He's all right, Hans. She's in with us.
He's taking lefties, please.

Right.

Rock, what about that tank carrier? Do
we get it or not?

I've been working on the ordinance,
Sergeant. He said he'd have an 80 -ton

carrier for us ready at the rendezvous
spot the night we wanted it, but he

10 grand for doing it. Give it to him.

We need that tank carrier.

How are we going to get those three
tanks from the rendezvous spot to the

of Tennessee where we need it?

Check. Lay it on him.

Hench, how about the refueling?

A guy in Kentucky's gonna have to gas
drum to decide a highway at exactly 3

in the morning.

Here's the gimmick. We take the three
tanks, right? Hey, what are you guys up

to?

Didn't you brief him, Rock?

Honey, honey, I thought you did.

It's just a slip -up like this that can
blow the whole deal. Hey, what's going

on?

We're knocking off Fort Knox.

Now, here it is. Fort Knox?

Yeah, now we take the place... Fort
Knox, where the government keeps its

Today they do.

All right, now we take the first... You
guys are kidding, ain't you?

What do you mean, kidding?

I mean, Fort Knox?

The inside and the army?

No, no. It's just that it's, well...
Just the biggest heist in history,

all. Maybe it's too big. Cut that out,
Rocco.

This kid's all right. He's got moxie.

You see the way he pulled that knife on
Doberman?

He's all right. He thinks big.

You're with us, kid.

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not...
Boy, you're in.

We've been planning this caper for eight
years.

We got operators all over the army.

Oh, you're in.

Because there's no out.

Sure. Sure.

We're organized.

You think it was an accident you got
drafted and was transferred from post to

post?

We've been watching you, kid. We've been
testing you.

You came through all right. You're going
to be okay. Now, come on. We're way

behind schedule.

We lost three months when Lefty lost his
nerve.

Lefty? He's the guy you're replacing.

Now, there's the first tank on the outer
gate, right?

We line up the three tanks, right?

Right. In formation.

We're on the outer gate. Rocco, you're
in the first tank.

Answer me.

We're in the second tank.

Parker, you bring up the rear tank.

Still got Lefty's name on it.

Say, uh, what happened to Lefty?

I just asked.

Now, we got the three tanks. We change
the insignia to the 37th Armored

Division. That gets us through the front
gate, right?

Now, when you get into the inner
security patrol, Rocco, I knock off the

security guard, then I protect you and
Hench. Check.

Hench? I cut loose with the cannon,
blast the main door off the concrete

of the gold retail.

Right. I knock off the security
replacements.

That's when you come up with the rear
tank filled with the explosives.

Explosives? Ten tons of it.

Now, look.

Right through the gap that Henshaw
blasted.

The tank explodes, and that inner
concrete wall opens like coconuts.

Yeah, but if I'm in the tank, I go...
You'll be out of it by then.

Hey, this is the place... This is the
place that Lefty always used to chicken

out. Cut that out, Rock. I tell you,
he's in. He's all right.

Got guts, this kid. Now, look. Here's
your instruction.

You light the fuse on the explosives.

Point the tank through the hole and
tense your gat for you, all right?

Put it in first gear.

Throw in your clutch.

Open the hatch, take cover, and you got
nothing to worry about. You got four

seconds.

Is that clear?

Right, fellas, I hate to spoil your
plans, but I just thought of something.

I don't know how to drive a tank.

What do you think, you're with amateurs,
kid?

We thought of that. Two weeks before we
start the deal, you get transferred to

tank school.

One of our operators there will teach
you the whole rumble. Sure. Check?

All right.

Now, with the two remaining tanks, we're
into the gold reserve, right? We load

up, blast our way to the handling field
where Blackie is waiting with the B -29

and it's off to South America.

I'm in.

Hunch. I'm in. Parker.

Hold it a minute.

Turn your face this way in the light.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Don't he look an awful lot like Lefty?
Yeah.

I'm in.

Here's the rest of your instructions.
Tonight at the main gate, there's going

be a big black limousine drive up. It's
going to throw something out.

It'll be the plans where the tanks are
hidden. Grab those plans. Now, I

it so nobody will be on guard duty all
night for you.

Now, you better get moving into your
uniform. Wait a minute.

Just in case.

You better learn these general orders.

Now, get used to them.

Take charge of this post in all
government property and view.

He's going to be all right.

Hey, son, they're ready.

Beautiful,

beautiful.

You look like living dolls. I'm proud of
you all. Now, look, I just got tipped

off. There's a carload of canned goods
just been delivered to the Company B

kitchen. Now, if we can help unload
that, that's some points for the Soldier

the Month contest, right?

Now, I need three volunteers.

The minute I ask for something, this is
the reaction, huh?

Well, thank heavens there's one guy in
this platoon that's proud.

Proud to be with the platoon. Proud to
take a life.

This kid's got heart. Sit down, kid.
Take it easy.

This is the kind of soldier now.

You guys get down to that motor pool.

Keep these uniforms spotless. Don't go
near a trunk.

Keep them clean.

And try to keep each other awake.

Dismissed!

Come here, I want to talk to you. I
watched every car. No limousine went by,

honest. I didn't go. I know, I know.
They rumbled to us. We called it off.

look. We just got tipped off.

We're getting some percussion caps
shipped to us from Fort Slade.

They'll be in one can in that carload of
tomatoes that were just delivered to

the Company B kitchen.

I want you to find that can and get
those caps.

One can in a whole carload? How am I...
Shh.

The can is marked with an X.

I'm going to double get to that kitchen.
Well, gee, Sarge, percussion caps... I

know, I know. They're dangerous. One
wrong move, they go off.

But don't tip it off, you understand?

Now, if those caps go off in your
pocket, make like nothing happened.

I haven't been feeling too well. I don't
know... Hey, fellas.

He's getting to look more like Lefty
every day, ain't he?

I've got to hurry over to the Company B
kitchen. I'll be...

Does that man have to do all that by
himself?

He insists on doing it by himself, sir.
Won't let anybody else touch a can.

Hey, Kevins, we've got at least one good
soldier left on the post.

Yes, sir. What's your name, son?

Parker, sir. I'll remember that.

Hot roast again?

Yes, sir. This time with risole potatoes
and string beans and mixed green salad.

No, no.

Coming, coming. Excuse me, Colonel.
Coming.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

How did you do it? Do what, sir?

Wilco, this Parker has a record of
vicious hoodlumism. We've tried changing

post. We've tried punishment,
disciplinary action. We've tried

no results.

How did you do it? Sir?

Did you ever try kindness?

Listen, I got another detail for you.
You know the quartermaster's depot where

they outfit the new recruits?

One of our men is going to be disguised
as a recruit. He's going to have a note

telling us when the operation starts.

You look for that note, he'll pass it on
to you.

Well, sir, I've been thinking... Wait a
minute.

Are you left -handed?

Oh, no, sir. I just picked it up with
that hand. I'm right -handed, honest.

All right.

Now, you look out for that note. It's
very important.

Right? You get over there as soon as you
can. Wait!

You finish here first.

Look for that note.

It may be tonight.

Outfitted an entire company by himself?

Only the beginning, chaplain. Oh, excuse
me a minute, sir.

You're the last one.

Look, be a good boy.

Pass this note to that soldier over
there.

I had hopes for this.

Bilko, how, what did you... Well, look,
when you're gonna be soldier of the

month, you gotta show qualities of
leadership, don't you? Bilko, please,

you do it? It might be some method I can
use. Not you, Padre. This is way out of

your league. You could never do it.

Someday I'll find out.

All right, what is it?

The note.

Well, read it, read it.

Come on, what does it say?

Good night.

A nightmare.

A baboon.

That's a kind note. Eat the note.

I still can't believe it.

Kindness.

You and the three -fourths. Yeah, we'll
keep dealing. Give Doberman a...

Want to sit in?

Gee, if you guys don't mind. Don't mind?

Here's the guy that does all the KP for
us, all the work details. Of course not.

We love you, kid.

Hey, Parker, after the game, you're with
us down at the post theater. Good

picture down there tonight.

FBI in action.

Tonight?

Gee, I'd love to, only... No, I can't do
it tonight. Come on, quit dreaming. You

open. Open? It's only a nickel to open.
Must seem kind of small time to you, eh,

Parker? Oh, no, I don't need any money.

Who wants money or gold?

Gold. Where's gold?

It's all afford not.

Cheer up, will you, Parker?

You're with friends.

Sure, kid.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm with friends.

Okay, I open for a nickel.

I bet he's got aces back your back.

I've got five of them to beat you back.

Parker.

Grab that door, Ange.

Parker, you've got to make some changes.

We found out Hatch has a double lock.
You've only got two seconds.

No, no, Sarge.

I can't go through with it. You've got
to let me out. You've got to let me out.

Looks more like Lefty every minute,
don't he?

Sarge, I'm not the tough guy you think I
am. Look, I just want to be one of the

platoon. Look, those guys, they like me.
They honestly like me. For the first

time in my life, somebody really likes
me.

I just want to be a soldier and get a
little sleep and some peace of mind.

Chief, I can see it in your eyes.

You're going to let the little rat go.

How many points have I got?

Enough to cinch the soldier of the month
contest.

Parker, on your feet.

Talked it over with the boys, but we're
going to let you out.

Still got that knife.

We'll let you out if you keep your mouth
shut. Stay out of trouble. Just be a

good soldier.

Oh, Sarge, I swear I... Hey, fellas,
deal me in.

I want to... King!

Who said touch him when I should have
said... Ladies!

Men.

An honor has been achieved by this
platoon that makes it imperative that I

the Soldier of the Month winner in
person.

Sergeant Bilko.

And while you may applaud, I join you in
your happiness.

The glory that you must share.

Glory that is a reflection of your
leadership and kindness.

Men, I give you the soldier of the
month, Private Parker.

Vilco, you were right.

I could never have done it.

What went wrong? How did I miss a... You
know something?

It could work. If we had another...
Parker was portrayed

by Paul Porter Jr.

Henshaw by Alan Melvin.

Fleischman was played by Maurice
Brenner.