All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e05 AWOL

Yes!

You're going to be under a truck all
day.

You'd be surprised who you can meet
under a truck.

Now, let's go. Let's go.

I wonder if the army had let me grow a
beard.

Let you? I wonder why they don't make
you.

Here comes Ben.

Doberman, show me the army rule that
says we got to get up 5 .30 in the

But we always get up at 5 .30.

Sure, because we're creatures of habit.

Wouldn't you still like to be in a sack?

Yeah, but... But what?

Because when the army started and George
Washington had his men get up at 5 .30,

you Doberman, 200 years later, are still
doing it.

Yeah, but Mullen, George Washington's
men had a lot of things to do.

They all had to get up, make their own
fires.

We got heat in the barracks. Yeah, but
they had to feed the horses.

But we don't have any horses.

What about food? They had to get up and
hunt for it, didn't they?

What's there to hunt?

We're eating the muscle.

Chumps, we are getting up 5 .30.

Not me.

Well, then let's go back to bed.

What's going on here? Fun in the latrine
again?

You guys still making a patsy on a poor
little Doberman, huh?

Why don't you stand up for your rights?
Why do you let these guys make a patsy

out of you all the time? You got rights
here, Dublin.

You're standing in front of the washbowl
and I'm ready? What are you doing? Oh,

I'm sorry.

The bigger a man you'll be, these guys
will take advantage of you all day long.

You're as big as any... Towel. Hit the
towel.

Faucets. Faucets.

when he said all men are created equal?
He didn't mean every man except

Doberman. He meant you too.

Stand up.

Be a brave man.

Be brave within yourself.

These guys will take advantage of you
all day long. Speak up to them. Don't

them take advantage of you. Hunt for
more. Hunt for more.

Just be brave in your thoughts. The ego
that you maintain, it's too hot for you.

Now, Doberman, I can't help you if you
won't help yourself. Stand up to these

crumbs. They'll have you working the
soap, Doberman, the soap!

You're as important as any man in this
army. All you have to do is answer your

old call, do your work, the glasses, the
glasses, and you answer to no man.

Believe in yourself, and the world will
believe in you. If you listen to these

creeps, they'll have you working all day
long. All day long, everything but what

they have to do themselves.

Believe in yourself, the world will
believe in you, the glasses. Believe in

yourself! Believe firmly in yourself,
and the world will recognize a man who

integrity. A man who is responsible to
only himself.

The robes of him in the room.

That's all you got to give these jerks a
little leeway. That's all they need,

and they'll take advantage all day long.
When you joined up, you became a

soldier. Act like a soldier. Think like
a soldier, because you're as good as any

man in this outfit.

I got the shoes outside. The shoes, just
for the fun of it.

Don't manhandle me that towel, will you?

Get it yourself.

Goodbye, Doberman.

That's the way to speak up to him. The
shoes, Doberman, the shoes.

Well, what's with the rest of you
creeps? Going to stand around primping

long, huh?

What's with the work at the motor pool,
Martin? Are you going to put those

valves in the half trucks?

Or are you waiting for the good fairy to
help you? I've been helping Palmer on

the carburetors. Palmer, what's with
you, subcontracting your work now?

I'm an electrical man, Sarge.

I've been just helping out on the
carburetors until Steve Nagy gets back.

Nagy, that crazy Hungarian.

By the time he picks to go AWOL. And now
when he does come back, I'll have to

talk the colonel out of putting him in
the guardhouse. Meanwhile, that

carburetor work keeps piling up. Where
do you think he went this time, Sarge?

Where he always goes.

Home. Hair tonic, Sarge?

What I have, I treat well.

The minute there's any trouble in his
family, over the wall he goes, home he

goes. He took off like a shot when I saw
him. Last time I saw him, he was

writing a letter home. Little did I know
he intended to deliver it. Take that!

Vilco, the colonel wants to see you
immediately.

Steve Nagy, sir? Yes, he just phoned
from his home in Chicago. He's ready to

come back. You're a sergeant. You've got
to bring him back.

Yes, sir.

Vilco, I know you need Private Nagy and
your motor pool and those carburetors.

But just for once, one of your AWOLs is
going to serve time in the guardhouse.

Now go to Chicago and bring him back.
Yes, sir.

Sir, I figured it out.

From the time we discovered he was gone
until the time he called in, that was

only two days, sir.

Only two days?

Yes, sir.

Well, then if I didn't prefer charges
and referred the matter to your company

commander... With the recommendation to
merely restrict him to quarters.

Yes, yes.

Then if he's merely restricted to
quarters, why not the motor pool? Why

sir? And he could work on those car
brakes. No, sir, you've got it figured

Yes, sir.

been through this with you before.

Your men go AWOL, and I wind up
recommending them for a Medal of Honor.

Now, go bring back Nate.

Yes, sir.

Sir, he's just an excitable guy.

I know, Bilko, but he's done this
before.

When he joined the Army, he should have
said he was going to be a commuter.

Go and bring him back. Yes, sir.

Did you say something, sir? What was
that, sir? No, no, I didn't.

It's just that he's such a nice kid, I
hate to see him in trouble all the time.

Wilco? Yes, sir?

Could you get him back here by tomorrow?

Sir, I can hitch a ride to the airbase,
be in Chicago, stop back immediately and

have him here in time for revelry. All
right, you'll have him on those comrades

again. Sir, you'll find the undying
affection... Just bring him back!

And if anything happens, phone me
personally.

I'm going out on a limb this time. Sir,
I'll never forget you.

Yes, sir.

Did it again.

Gee, Sergeant Bilko, I'm... Come on,
let's get moving. You see me, Sergeant

Bilko? That's my pup.

Hi, Mr. McGee. Hi. Nice to see you all.
Hey, everybody, this is Sergeant Bilko.

He comes to take Stevie back to the
camp. Sorry about another party. I'll

out in the hall.

Oh, you insult me. On the night of my
oldest engagement, in Hungary, not even

a... That wouldn't break in the hall.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'll see you all later.

No, no, no. I mean, I'm Steve's mother.
Now, you tell your...

My Steve is a good boy and comes home
only when we need him. I told her, kind

of. I told her. You did?

Have a good time. Come on.

Watch your head. It's a big night.

These are my future in -laws. The most
wonderful people in Chicago.

Gano. Soltan.

Laza.

Soltan. Vilco.

Vilco. Sasha.

This is my daughter, Magda, and her
fiancé, Imre. Vilco.

Good luck, kids. Hey,

what is that? This is Baruch, Sergeant.
The Hungarian drink.

That's not a drinker. It's a secret
weapon.

Goodbye, everybody.

Don't leave without meeting Papa.

Papa, this is Sergeant Bilko.

Six strikes.

Oh, is he a sergeant? No, a private.

Private with six stripes?

In Hungary, the civilian has five
stripes.

Toast to the search. No, thank you. I've
got to go. Sorry. Drink, drink.

Sergeant.

Well, well.

I'll drink to you, my dear.

And your name?

Wilma. Wilma.

Ernie, Ernie.

Steve, get out of here.

Wilma.

Is it miss or am I too late? Oh, you're
in time, Sarge.

Is she signed with any team or is she
freelancing? She's freelancing. Yeah.

Sergeant, do you have to go right away?

Wilma, don't be so forward.

Oh, she's not forward. It's just that
I've been a little back. Would you get a

moment? No,

no, Papa. Leave the sergeant alone.
Can't you see he wants to be with Wilma?

Wilma wants to charge us with him. Yeah.
Wilma wants to charge us with him.

Wilma wants to charge us. What does she
want to do with me?

I just thought I'd check like to be in
control all the time.

You are lovely, my little gypsy. Lovely.

Hey, Clark, we'd better go.

What's your hurry?

Then you're going to stay for a while? I
guess I could fix it with the Colonel

for now.

You got a nice family here. Real
friendly people.

Yeah, you should have seen them a couple
of nights ago. This place looked like

fight night at St. Nick's. Is that why
you took off?

Yeah, it was over my sister's dowry.
Dowry? Oh, it's an old country idea. You

know, more a matter of pride. You see,
both families come from the same little

town in Hungary.

And each one says it was the others who
were the peasants.

I got them to compromise. Now
everybody's happy.

Sorry. Huh?

Look, Miss Vilma.

Does money go with her? Sure.

Well, I had my heart set on a military
wedding.

But now I hear gypsy violins playing.

Well,

what are you? What are you? A spectator
move.

What do you say we go over that little
love seat, sugar? Here, here, here. In

all fairness, I should warn you. As we
say in Madison Square Garden, protect

yourself at all times.

Sergeant, please. Oh, no, Papa. Six to
the right. Please, you're shrinking the

whole room.

Papa, did you talk to the sergeant
today?

Sergeant, I thought you had forgotten
all about me. Forget about you, my dear?

Can a man forget the stars?

Sergeant, milk!

Oh, Papa. Now, tell me.

Do you dragoon use the ocelot, Sergeant?
Please, Papa. I'll tell you. How often

do you carry your horse? Please, Papa.
Look, Papa. Six rides.

You see?

Well, Sergeant, I have to leave first
thing in the morning to face my... Look,

you're fading the whole uniform, Papa.

The way I think... Look, you're wetting
all the stripes, Papa.

What kind of a crack is that? The
Hungarian card game.

Come on.

Let's keep it. Come on, Papa. Hang on.
How about a game of schlipitz?

What's that? It's a card game.

Card game? I never played that. No, you
come thick like this, Watson.

Vilko's the best card player in the
whole army. Oh, they're wonderful. I

played this. If you can't chart us, you
can't schlipitz. I'll try anything. How

do you play it? Oh, it's easy. We each
get seven cards.

If you get the jack of diamonds and the
ten of clubs, you're... Wait a minute.

You're mixing him up. The ten of
diamonds and jack of clubs is ten

if you get a yaddle... A yaddle.

What's a yaddle? Two fours and a nine.
Now, if he plays a deuce, play a harp.

you haven't got a harp, that's good.
That's schnicker.

If he's got a harp, it's a... It's a
schmice.

Schmice. But whatever you do, don't
flinch. Oh, I wouldn't flinch. Why

flinch? He doesn't know the game.

What do you mean he doesn't know the
game? I just showed it to him.

Okay, we're better quarter.

This is cute.

Snickle.

Glint. Good.

You never played this game? Give you my
word of honor, never saw the game in my

life. Play him, Roy. Yes, prefer.

Yaddle.

Schmeiss.

Come on, we play a game for a dollar.

Oh, no, I don't want to play. Go ahead,
get the tickets off. You're good.

I've got to lose it back because I've
never played the game.

But I can learn it, I guess.

Yaddle.

Shlibbets.

Yaddle.

Well, if you yaddle, I shlibbets.

Yaddle, glitz, shlibbets.

Yaddle.

Shblitz.

Yaddle, glibbets.

Glenn's Doubleschmeich. Doubleschmeich.

Doubleschmeich.

Doubleschmeich. Doubleschmeich.
Doubleschmeich. Doubleschmeich.

Doubleschmeich. Doubleschmeich.
Doubleschmeich. Doubleschmeich.

Doubleschmeich.

Doubleschmeich.

If you want the money back, ask for it
like a gentleman. And I give it to you

like a gentleman.

Here!

Quiet!

Quiet!

Won't you have some more breakfast? No,
we've got to go. Please, thank you. Come

on, Steve. I promise the Colonel. Steve,
here is your lunch, and here is a cake

for your friends in the guardhouse.

Okay, Bob. I've got to go. Are you sure
you have everything? Yeah, Bob. Hey,

wait a minute.

Prisoner. Hold this, prisoner. Yes, sir.

Well, Sergeant Bickle, goodbye.

Next time when you come to Chicago to
pick up Steve, we'll show you better

times. Thank you very much. I always
wanted to miss your house. Thank you

very much. I'm sorry all the trouble I
caused you.

Trouble, huh? Thanks to you, Magda
hasn't...

Marry this butcher family.

Oh, Magda, you didn't say goodbye to
Magda. Steve and the sergeant are

Goodbye, sir. Goodbye, Sergeant.

It's nice knowing you. I'm sorry about
all the trouble, and especially about

Imrah. Imrah.

Imrah. I'm sorry. I've got to go.

I'm sure I can. I know. It's all right.

Don't cry, Magda. You must be happy not
to marry this butcher boy.

Sergeant Pilkova. I'm sorry, Mrs. Nagy.
I got her into this. I got to get her

out of it. My conscience would bother me
for the rest of my life. Let me talk to

her a minute alone, will you? No.

Please, just let me alone with a minute.

I'm sorry, Sergeant Pilkova. Now, this
is silly, Magda. You love him, don't

Why don't you marry him? But my
family... Now, look.

Is there a marriage bureau in this town?
Yes, on the 17th floor of the municipal

building. 17th floor of the municipal
building. I want you there at 3 o

You'll be there. Do you see this MP?

Yes. See what that stands for?

Marriage promoter.

Yes, Mrs. Polinski.

Pot roast.

Pot roast. Hey, my, will you start
mooning and take a little interest in

Polinski's pot roast? Yes, papa.

Ah, and Varger and son.

Well, you really got a beautiful place
here.

Hey, my, look up to me. That slippage
shark is here.

Please, Mr. Varger. You're looking at a
very disillusioned man.

And what is this disillusion?

Oh, those neggies.

Oh, found out what cooks they are, huh?

Hired you to be back to Dowery and
didn't pay you, huh? Not a cent.

Boy, is your son, he's lucky he didn't
marry into that family. Ah, don't tell

to me. Go and tell it to him.

Maybe we'll stop, uh, worrying about
those, uh, that Mata.

Uh, I'll get you that meat, Mrs.
Jupiter.

Emra? He's waiting on me.

Just a minute, lady. I want to talk to
you. He's having enough trouble. Will

relax, please? Emra, you don't know how
lucky you are.

You're a lucky fellow. Believe me, Emra.
Real lucky.

Lucky to have a girl like Magda in love
with you. Are you going to stand here

and cut meat while love passes you by?

Please, no griffle. Would you please,
lady?

Now, come on, Emra. There is no butcher
in Chicago who wouldn't huck his block

to have a girl like Magda.

Now, what are you going to do?

Magda. Beautiful Magda with those
flashing eyes. That heavenly figure.

heavenly figure.

Trim off the fat.

Will you please, lady?

Now, look.

Are you going to stand on your own two
feet and be a man of destiny?

Or are you going to stand here while
love walks away? You know what's waiting

for you? What should I do?

Save the bottom for the dog. Will you
please?

On the 17th floor of the Federal
Building, love is waiting for you. Now

right over there. Yeah, but, Sergeant...
Watch my eye. There's a man there. All

you do is take a paper, say, I do, and
love comes your way.

Come on, I'm a double. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, what's your trouble, madam? Pat,
no. Pat, Rosie. You want it with

You want the bone shot? Should we ship
it to you? Would you like it or not?

Where's Imrah? Imrah? I don't know where
Imrah is.

But I would advise you to be at the Nagy
house tonight for a little surprise.

The Nagys?

I thought you hated them.

I changed my mind.

When a young couple get here, you
play... Very simple. Let me hear it.

Hey!

Don't get so carried away. Leave out the
schmaltz, will you?

Play it simple. It's very serious. It's
the wedding march.

Just that. Let's hear it.

the second Hungarian rhapsody. Will you
do it my way once, please?

That's all.

Let's hear it.

Work on it a while.

When did you get this Hungarian solar in
Finland?

Are you sure they're coming right here
after they were married? The doctor

promised me the minute they get married,
they're going to come home. Ah, so

don't allow them. Maybe we'll be happy.

You're right, Pupil.

Sergeant Bilko, how can we... Thank you.
All right, listen, Steve. The minute we

get here, remember, we've got to take
off. Yes, sir. Oh, that must be them.

on.

What's the matter, Magda? Where's,
where's Imran?

I waited for three hours in the marriage
bureau.

Just jolted her.

I don't know what happened.

I killed you. I killed you.

What's wrong? What happened? But you
don't know, huh? I didn't plan it that

You didn't send him up to the 17th
floor.

There's Imre. There's Imre. Here's Imre.
Here.

What happened?

You said the 17th floor of the federal
building. Federal building?

Municipal building? Did I say federal
building?

That's the recruiting office, sir.

That's what you said.

You certainly did.

Did you take the oath?

Not till tomorrow.

Oh, I can get you out of it. But you
gotta be married by tomorrow.

But Colonel, those garbage trucks broke
down.

The motor pool is jammed sky high. I
know, I know. Bilko will be here any

now. Have you got that jeep waiting at
the airport?

Yes, sir.

Oh, no.

Still in Chicago?

Bilko, what's that noise?

That's a shot, I said.

so that you could be best men.

One more, Chardash. Now, look, Mama,
we're in enough trouble. We've got to

Please.

Music.

Hey, at the door. At the door.

Music.

So,

Ricky, I was just taking Steve right
back. Here we go. Forget about Steve.

colonel sent me to get you and bring you
back.

Hank of Sawicki really... Sawicki! Isn't
that a Hungarian name?

No, it's Polish.

Polish! Oh, they can dance the Chardas
better than the Hungarians.

Chardas. Gosh, I haven't danced the
Chardas in... Chardas just won.

No, I... Music!

Barga was played by Hans Schumpf. Mr.
Nagy by Ben Estar.

Doberman by Maurice Gosfield.

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