All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e03 The WAC

on purpose.

Phoebe, I'll put in some more Epsom
salts. What are you trying to do, pickle

them?

Oh, walk, walk.

Walk, walk. Walk from the motor pool.
Walk to the mess hall. Walk!

When I was a civilian, I used to see the
newsreels. Every time I saw a soldier,

he was in a jeep. In every newsreel,
soldiers were in jeeps.

I joined the army.

That's where I made my mistake.

I should have joined the newsreel.

din is here.

Fine here, please.

Either a slow rain or sleet will stop
these couriers from delivering their red

tape.

All right, Snoopy. All right. What am I
doing reading this? I'm off duty.

Read it.

Hey, it's from Colonel Hall.

Well, read it loud. It may be good for
some laughs.

Wanted a master sergeant to volunteer.

Volunteer? I told you never to use that
word in these barracks.

What does it say?

Oh, it's some new security regulations
from Washington.

The colonel wants a master sergeant to
volunteer to check the doors of the

armory once a day.

He wants a sergeant to volunteer?

Colonel must be drinking.

All right, all right, what else? The
usual army double talk, suborder A5,

regulation PTP, whatever that means.
Whatever that... Whatever that means?

If you know how long I've been waiting
to hear those words.

Get me my shoes. I'm going to volunteer.

Volunteer? Are you nuts?

Sarge, what's this PTP?

If I told you guys once, I told you a
thousand times.

Learn the army abbreviations. They're
the key to gracious living.

PTP means personal transportation
provided.

Gentlemen, we have got us a jeep. A
jeep.

Yeah, but what if the other master
sergeant volunteers?

Not a chance for two reasons. One.

Those meatballs are too dumb to know
that PTP means cheap. Two, I am about to

lay a smoke screen with charm to see
that they don't even suspect that PTP

cheap.

Ah, Miss Sergeant Sawicki.

Mm -hmm. What do you want?

Nothing, just passing by your kitchen.
It smelled so good, I just had to drop

in. What smelled so good? Just boiling
out the pots.

You see that? In the hands of an artist,
even that smells good. You know, pal, I

was telling the guys only yesterday.

We're lucky to have a messager like you
on this post.

Crazy about my cooking. The best.

Then how come last month you're running
all over the post trying to organize a

hunger strike?

You won't give up on it. Why don't you
let bygones be bygones? Don't you see

trying to be friendly, pal?

Every time you want to be friendly with
me, it either costs me money or a

night's sleep or a girl.

What is it this time?

Well... I just have to give up. I tried,
I tried. I guess I'll just have to

forget that idea of mine. What idea?

Mess Appreciation Day.

Mess Appreciation Day? What's that?

Just an idea I had. I figured one day we
set aside, you guys in the kitchen, you

sit on chairs, you don't move, you don't
boil a pot. We serve you. Mess

Appreciation Day.

Gee, we get very little appreciation.

None. On Arbor Day, they even honor a
shrub. Why not you, Stanley boy?

Mess appreciation day.

See, honey, what I can't figure out is
why you... Figure, figure. Why are you

always looking a good thought in the
mouth? Figure, figure.

Doesn't it figure that once I'd like to
do something nice for my fellow

soldiers, this is the new bilko pad I've
changed. For instance, if you see that

new detail, I volunteered for it. PTP.

PTP, what's that? I looked it up. It
means you've got to wear puttees, trench

knife, paratroop... Oh, yeah, I know.
Look, if you want the detail, I'll give

up. No, no, no.

I just can't get over the change in you,
Bill. Look, a man changes. A man gets

tired of being the heel.

Hey,

do you mind if I take this pot of coffee
over to Pendleton? He's beat. He's been

outfitting rookies all day. Sure, sure.
But that misappreciation day, Andy. What

misappreciation? You know... Oh, yeah,
misappreciation.

When is it?

When is what?

That misappreciation. A misappreciation.

Well, it's got to pass through the
Pendleton, pal. I'm working on it. It's

mind all the time, pal.

I can't get over it. You serving me
coffee?

Why not? I was on my way over here to
tell you about the new phone you always

wanted. Phone? What phone?

What phone? I know these little things.
I talked Rover into it. I know you've

always wanted an extension phone.

An extension phone? For years I've been
trying.

Ernie, I sure had you pegged wrong.

Andrew, I had myself pegged wrong.

Hey!

Isn't this one of those jackets that
Grover has always wanted? Oh, yeah, but

that's an officer's jacket. He's a
sergeant. Yeah, but you know how he

about his looks.

Yeah, but Ernie, it's against
regulations.

Regulations? Isn't Grover cutting a few
corners to get that phone in for you,

pal? Oh, gosh, Ernie.

You're making me realize what a heel I
am.

Take it to him.

Okay, buddy. Oh, incidentally, I don't
know if you noticed that new detail

today. PTP. I volunteered for it. PTP?
You know what I mean.

Patrol triangle of parade grounds.

Oh, that's right. Look, you want the
detail? I'll bow off. No, no, no. I

give it a thought.

Andy, it's good to see you. Enjoy your
coffee.

Oh, Ernie, wait a minute. I know why
you're volunteering.

Why? You think you have to prove this?
This shows you're a nice guy?

You don't have to prove anything, Ernie.

Yes, I do, Andy.

Gotta prove it to myself.

In here.

You got nothing better to do than stand
around looking all day?

Sharp,

sharp. Bernie, I'm ashamed.

When you called me in, I didn't know
what was going to happen. But this jet,

sure must have worked on that Pendleton.
For months.

Look, I told him, here we got Grover,
the best looking guy in the post.

We got to dress him accordingly.

Cut it out, Ernie. Look, pal, you don't
put a prize rose in a dirty glass.

Beautiful how I envy you.

Come on, Ernie, looks ain't everything.

Hey, you know, I volunteered for that
PTP detail today.

I shouldn't be getting a little bit PTP.

Hey, you know what it means.

You gotta have a pistol, tent, and pack
sack.

Oh, I know, murder.

It's a murderous detail, but I figured
the colonel would stick one of you guys

with it, so I volunteered.

Well, thanks for the jacket.

Hey, hey.

Why don't you surprise Pendleton? Why
don't you put in that phone for him?

But, Ernie, regulations.

Regulations? A handsome sergeant in an
officer's jacket talking about

regulations? Okay, I'll have a couple of
boys put it in tonight. Okay, Pappy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do that
again. Do that.

And the way they rave about Gregory
Peck, I don't understand.

Oh, cut it out. So long, handsome.

So long. Don't knock the girls over.

Oh, wee -wee -wow.

Here we go.

Well, that takes care of the last block.

Special bulletin. Good news. Yeah, no
kidding.

All right. You know there's no tipping
in the army. Here it is,

men. From Colonel J .T. Hall.

My request for a volunteer for special
detail suborder A5 has resulted in the

following volunteering for the detail.

Master Sergeant E. Bilko and Master
Sergeant L. Hogan.

Well, we picked the jeep out of the
motor pool. I want a big... Who said

Who said Sergeant Hogan? You did. I said
Hogan.

Sergeant L. Hogan. There's no Sergeant
Hogan on the post. There is now on the

post, on the list. He's got one leg in
our jeep. From out of nowhere.

Hey,

relax. Emergency.

Dilko takes care of it. Just start
thinking of a name for the jeep.

Hey, Olsen.

Snoopy. Get in here for a message. On
the double.

Now, don't just stand around.

Think of a name. for the chief. But what
about this Hogan?

If you ever know where to goof off on an
emergency, just don't worry about it,

pal.

And tonight at eight, welcome to party
four, Sergeant... What party?

These. Terrace room will host any doco.

I need... I need... Not here.

Here, pal. You gotta think with your
heart.

What makes this Joker volunteer?

What? Lonely. He wants to meet people.
Tonight he meets me.

Tomorrow he withdraws his name.

Come in.

Hey, Olsen, be a good boy. Deliver this
to Sergeant Al Hogan.

Top secret. I'm the double assistant.

Now,

look, we've got to start thinking of the
party. We've got to get a little gifts

for him, make him feel at home. I've got
to get him a date. I'll tell you later.

I'll work... Matter

Harry.

When you're through reading that note, I
want you to see that Sawicki,

Pendleton, and Grover are invited...

You got all the gifts?

Yeah. Suppose he's already got a Marilyn
Monroe calendar.

So what?

He can always trade it in for a neighbor
gardener t -shirt. Doesn't matter.

Now, look.

You got that free pass to the steam
baths? Right here, Sergeant. How about

fellas? A party and for a guy he don't
even know. Ernie, you're all hard. Come

on, Pendleton. Don't be so emotional.

My name's all set. Good. Rocco, did you
get in touch with Mildred? Yeah, I

finally located her. That's the date I'm
getting for Hogan.

You located her? Yep. Did you call
Heidingen's pool room like I told you?

Somebody there knew where to reach her?
What somebody? She answered the phone.

That's Mildred.

Is that the Mildred that... Yeah, yeah.
The barracuda. All right, all right, all

right.

She's a nice girl just because she works
in a father's fish store.

You told her this was a formal party
dress. No rubber boots. You told her. I

told her Hogan.

Hogan was the millionaire's son and he
looked like Tony Curtis.

You getting Hogan a date?

I want to make him feel like a big man.
Hey, how about this guy, Hogan? He's

supposed to be the guest of honor.

He'll be here when he gets here. Make
him feel right at home. Gentlemen.

Yeah? Are you expecting Sergeant Hogan?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's here. He's here. Climb up, quick.
This way, Sergeant.

He's a jolly good fellow.

Boy, he's a jolly good fellow.

Boy, he's a jolly good fellow.

I'm Sergeant Bilgo. Are you Sergeant
Hogan?

Oh, well, this is Sergeant Swicky. How
do you do? Sergeant Grover, look out for

a music killer. There's Sergeant
Pendleton. How do you do? Corporal

do you do? Corporal Barbello. How do you
do?

You know, I can't help but get the
feeling you weren't expecting me. You

expecting me.

We weren't expecting anybody as charming
as you. Won't you sit down?

Oh, for me?

See you in the steam room. What is that?
What is that?

What's the matter with you? Didn't I
tell you to get those nylons? Oh, now,

didn't you expect a man? Now, pass off.

Now, you're in for a lot of surprises.
Sit down, Sergeant.

Hiya, boys.

It's Mildred. Oh, madam. Well, where's
my date? Now, there seems to be the

ladies' club meeting in the terrace
room.

Now, you see, when I... What are you
talking about? I was invited to this

Madam, some other... We've been talking
about you. Where's my date to look like

a tall, handsome sergeant like Tony
Curtis? Tall, handsome sergeant? Well,

fits Grover. Grover.

You know... Come on, honey. Get your
hands off of me, tomato face.

Tomato face? Who do you call a tomato
face?

She called me tomato face.

I'm going to date with a sergeant. She
has a date. She called me tomato face.

You are a tomato face.

Excuse me, Mildred. I can explain this
whole... Don't give me any of that fancy

Bilko double talk. I want to know just
one thing. Where's my date?

Where's... Hogan. Sergeant Hogan.

What's the matter, you guys? U .S .O.
laying down the dog?

You gotta figure out your own jokes in
entertainment?

Big joke, huh? Wait, wait, now, Mildred,
I'm not... Is there anything I can do?

There is!

Let's have the party. Here we are.

No, no, no, no.

Please. Please.

Please. I know I'm... But I do catch on.
You're expecting a man. I'll just run

along. I don't want to... Now, wait.
Now, wait a second, Sergeant. There may

have been a little misunderstanding, but
the important thing is we wanted to

meet Sergeant Holgren. We want you to
meet us. Oh, that's better. Well,

Sergeant... Sergeant Belker, I've been
wanting to meet you for years.

You know, ever since I went to Camp
Collins... Camp Collins, my old prep

dad insisted that I attend there.

No, they still tell stories about the
things you did there.

Lies, all exaggerations. But the main
thing is I want you to know me, to learn

to trust me if you ever need a friend
for some advice or anything.

Oh, advice.

Yes. Oh.

I'm glad you brought that up. Now, look,
you started off on the wrong foot

today. You volunteered for that new
detail.

Oh, that's a bad deal. Oh, you really
pulled a boo -boo there. Looks like a

cinch, doesn't it? Oh, sure. Just
inspect the armory doors once. Oh, no,

hidden trap there, kid. You've got to
bring in ammunition, clean out the guns,

and rearrange the chairs.

See, I didn't know that. I just read
that the order said PTP.

PTP. Oh, I can tell you what that means.

Well, I know what it means.

A jeep.

What's she saying? What is she saying? A
jeep. A jeep? What's she talking about?

A jeep?

She called me a tomato.

Did you hear my...

Never mind about him.

She said Jeep. What are you talking
about, Jeeps? Here's a poor man with a

bleeding heart from a callous remark.

Never mind about the callous remark. She
said Jeep. This is my button. I don't

like my button.

Shut up! The new Bilko with the same old
double -crossing ways. Let's get out of

here. Wait a minute, wait a minute. The
panel. We've got to play a little poker.

Come on. Poker with you? Why, we look
like a suicide squad.

Look, so we... Mess appreciation day.

Grover, look, I can... She called me
tomato face. She said, I'm not a thing

call me tomato face. All the time.

You're a pretty cute little operator,
huh?

You had me fooled for a minute.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You all don't know what I'm talking
about. Oh, yes, you had me camouflaged

those baby blue eyes.

But I'm hip to you now. You're pretty
sharp. You know all the abbreviations,

don't you? You're a pretty wise little
cookie. Sergeant, if I did anything to

make you mad, well, I'd just die.

Honey, you don't have to die. You tangle
with me, you're going to get

annihilated.

Where are those daily reports?

Oh, excuse me, Colonel. I'll take that.

Here, is that it?

What's going on?

Bilko is struck again.

I'll put a stop to this.

Sergeant Hogan? Oh, yes, sir.

Please, withdraw your name from that
volunteer detail.

We'll never get anything done.

Oh, Colonel, honestly, I have this fear
of no time at all. It's much more than

that. This is just the beginning. You
don't know Bilko. He'll find regulations

that the Pentagon doesn't know about.
Oh, I can't imagine anything like that.

Colonel, sir.

Sergeant Hogan?

Will you put this lost article, Tracer
2X5, as quickly as possible? Tracer X5?

Where did you dig that one up? Well,
sir, that's one of the little old

regulations. I think it was put in the
books during the Spanish -American War.

The Spanish -American War.

I don't know if I remember the ruling
correctly. I think it says that if an

enlisted man ever loses an article and
he's charged with it, he can demand a

record of his entire equipment during
his Army career checked.

His whole career?

Yes, let me see now. In 1939, I lost a
barracks bag. It had a little hole on

side. Oh, it would take a year to check
a thing like that. A year? Well, that's

silly. If Sergeant Hogan devotes all her
time to it, as she must do according to

regulation, and has no extra duties to
distract her, why, she could have it

cleared up in six months. Six months?
Yes, and then she'll have time to take

care of Corporal Barbella's tracer
claim.

Yeah, I lost a fatigue cap in
Guadalcanal, size six.

I think I can handle this.

Now, Sergeant Bilko, I'll be very happy
to start tracing that barracks bag as

soon as you've given me your inventory.

All righty.

Inventory? What inventory?

Surely you know that I can't start
checking a tracer claim until I've

classified inventory of every article
that you've ever been issued since you

came into the Army.

Well, he's been in the Army 15 years.
Well, I can't help it. It was a

put on the books during the Civil War,
and it says never... Never mind.

Well, what about your barracks bag?

I just found it.

Well, Sergeant, in all fairness, I'd
better leave you with this parting

As they say at Madison Square Garden...
Protect yourself at all times.

What are you fussing about?

Truce? Friends?

Sergeant Vilco, I'd just die if you
didn't consider me one of your most

and devoted... Good girl.

Look, we got this whole camp in a tizzy,
jockeying for position to get that

Jeep. Everybody's all... So what do you
say we get it over with real quick?

Anything you say, Sarge. Why don't we
just flip a coin, or maybe better, why

don't we just cut cards for it? Cut
cards?

What's that?

Well, it's very simple. You cut cards,
the high man wins, and the low man,

he withdraws her name.

Or his name.

Now, to cut cards, a half a deck of
cards would... Right here.

Jock?

Shuffle them.

Never mind.

Hey, I recognize that shuffle from
someplace.

Well, of course.

It's called the Bilko Shuffle. My first
sergeant at Camp Collins taught it to

me, Emily Gribble.

Emily Gribble? You know her? She used to
go out with me. I know. That's where

she learned about cards.

Emily Gribble. She still in the army?
Oh, no, no. She's a dealer in Las Vegas.

to me. I spent my whole career creating
a group of Frankenstein.

Listen, friends.

Friends. Let's forget all this
bickering. After all, there are other

talk about.

As a friend, will you meet me at the
Roseville Roots at 8 o 'clock for a

dancing?

I'd love to.

Well, I hear there's going to be a full
moon tonight.

A full moon?

Show her no mercy.

Hey, you know, she's a pretty smart
cookie.

How can you be so sure?

How can you be so not... What, have you
been living under a carpet?

Fender, it's the Vilco Blitz. Look at
the record.

37 consecutive knockouts.

Always the same technique.

Look, I'll show you. I'm Vilco. You're
the target for tonight.

May I have this dance?

Hey, dance.

He dances around into the terrace.

Steps into the moonlight.

Shines on his good side.

He sighs.

She grabs for the bait.

Sergeant Bilko, you're sad.

Sad? A sergeant's life is a lonely one.

Here, here, here. If you're going to do
it, do it right. A bleak and lonely one.

Sorry. A sergeant's life is a bleak and
lonely one.

Six stripes.

Prism bars around my heart.

Do it right. Hold up your arm so she can
grab your hand and put it to the gym.

Oh, yeah. Then she takes his hand.

Puts it to her cheek.

A tear falls.

You poor man.

You're too nice a guy to be lonely.

You're sad.

Sad?

A sergeant's life is a bleak and lonely
one.

Six stripes.

Each stripe a prison bar around my
heart.

What happened?

Honey. What's the matter? You're crying.
What's wrong?

Prison bars around your heart?

What do you think a woman soldier goes
through?

It's romantic for a man in uniform, but
a woman in uniform?

That wall between her and every soft and
tender feeling she's got?

Gee, I never thought of that.

again? Come on, honey, I'll walk you
back to the post.

Why walk?

I'll drive you there in my Jeep.

Jeep? Bernie!

Coming, dear, coming.

Sergeant Hogan was played by Elizabeth
Fraser.