All language subtitles for yes_dear_s01e01_pilot

Please, Sammy.

Please eat it.

Mommy spent all day making it.

It's organic squash, okra, and wheat
germ.

Which, remember, is the only good germ.

Look, Mommy likes it.

I'm sorry, I can't get this head down.

Mom, hey, buddy.

Hey, next time you want me to pick up
diapers and Vaseline, remind me not to

beer. I think the cashier wrote down my
license plate.

He's not eating.

Well, maybe he's not hungry.

No, it's six o 'clock. He's supposed to
be hungry.

Honey, didn't the doctor say that he's
in the 90th percentile for weight?

So? So, I mean, he's 10 % away from
being the fattest child on earth.

I just want him to be healthy.

He's healthy.

Just not hungry.

Or eating when to worry.

You know what? I will read this after
dinner. I promise.

Oh, oh, about dinner. My sister just
called. Kim, I told you if we fed them,

they'd keep coming back.

She's my sister.

Well, she is not the problem.

Oh, come on. Kimmy likes you.

Of course he likes me. I gave him money
to come out here. I set him up in an

apartment. Oh, my God, I'm his sugar
daddy.

Greg, you were the one who wanted to
move 3 ,000 miles away from home.

At least now we have some family around.

Don't you want Sam to grow up around
family?

Yes, I do.

But does it have to be your family?

We had a bit of a milestone in Mommy and
Me class today.

He walked, Sam. You're a walker like
your father and your father's father.

He didn't walk, but Judy Scott's
daughter did.

Now, Sam is the only one not walking.
Well, he's probably weak from not

I'm kidding. He'll walk when he's ready.

Or walking when to worry.

Do you have a copy of Worrying When to
Worry?

Come on, Sam.

Your old man's had a hard day at work,
so why don't you just save him a little

reading here and take a bite?

Daddy likes it.

What the hell is she doing to you?

Hi!

Oh, um, he had a little trouble parking.
He's exchanging insurance information

with your neighbor.

He hid his car?

Kat, it's gonna be fine.

Dominic! Did you see all the stuff
Auntie Kim got for you?

I went to the store, and I got books,
and crayons, and puppets. You can play

with whatever you want.

I mean, look at him. He could just sit
in front of the TV all day and never say

a word.

I know.

Isn't it great?

Hey, guys.

Hi. Oh, come on. I made some food for
the kids. I thought we should feed them

first before we eat. Oh, well, we can
try, but lately, Logan won't eat

but McDonald's.

Nothing but McDonald's? Yeah. Well, he
likes the burgers at Burger King, but

doesn't like the fries, which means, you
know, he's not getting any vegetables.

Hey, Dominic, what you watching?

All righty, then.

Hey, do you know you live next door to a
Jewish guy?

Oh, God.

You didn't talk to my neighbors, did
you? I had to. I kind of backed into his

cat.

You killed a Liba with a cat?

I'm trying to make a larger point.

Ethnic diversity is what I love about
Los Angeles. I mean, there's Jewish

people, black people, Mexicans, like 12
different kinds of Asians. You never

know whose cats are going to run over.

If only you'd have been here during the
riots to calm everything down.

What are you reading?

Oh, just some child development books.

Why? Sam's not eating.

Well, he'll eat when he's hungry.

Well, it's not that simple, Jimmy. He's
not walking yet either.

Well, you don't really think there's
something wrong with him, do you?

No.

Well, then...

Count your blessings. Trust me.

Once they start walking, you got to get
up off the couch and go after them.

Kim just wants to cover all the bases.

Oh, I see.

What? Oh, no, nothing. You better do
your homework. I wouldn't want to get

in trouble.

You know, I love guys like you. You
think anybody who does anything for

wife is whipped because you do
absolutely nothing. You're probably

course I am.

Jaggone right I am. I mean, you don't
clean, you don't help with the kids, you

only do what you want to do.

Live your life like a 20 -year -old
single guy without any responsibilities.

don't know how you get away with it.

How do you get away with it?

A little something I like to call
honesty.

You should give it a try.

Yeah, for our first date, Christine and
I watched football in my parents'

basement and did beer bongs.

Yeah, she knew from day one what kind of
guy she was getting.

What'd you and Kim do on your first
date? I don't know. What'd you do?

I took her to a make -your -own -pottery
place.

You dug your own grave, buddy.

You know what? I think it's hard being a
mother, especially for someone like

your wife who's not very good at it.
Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. Kim

to be a great mother. How many mothers
are going to make their own baby soap or

get up every hour to make sure their
child's still breathing or send their

husband back to the store three times to
get the right kind of slow -flow

nipple? She's driving you crazy, huh? A
little.

If you want her to mellow out, why don't
you just give her the day off? You

know, you take the kid for the day, let
her do whatever she wants.

What are you saying, like one day off
and she's going to be okay?

They're never okay.

And we can't make them okay.

We just try to put a little slack in her
rope. You know what you should do? You

send her one of those fancy day spas.

Really? You think it'll work?

Definitely.

Now, you know, she's comfortable going
to one of those places by herself,

I mean, she'll be all alone, naked, with
a bunch of strangers.

Geez, I don't know. You think Christine
would go with her? Oh, I don't know. You

know, we really can't afford... No, no,
no, no. It would be on me. Believe me,

she'd be doing me the favor.

Oh. I mean, well, look, you know, I'll
ask her.

Hey, Christine, you know that fancy spa
you've been dying to go to?

And at 12 .30, he goes down for his...
Nap.

Good. And after his nap, he likes to
have a... Hooker.

Mac, I know, I know.

If you have any questions or just want
to check in, don't hesitate to call.

Here's the number for the spa.

A few places in the area might have
lunch. And my cell phone number, just in

case you forget.

Jimmy, honey, if you call me in the next
six hours and the kids are still

breeding, I'll kill you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, listen, quick
question. When those big, young masseurs

got their hands all over you, who are
you going to be thinking about?

George Clooney.

I didn't see George Clooney in our
bedroom last night. Well, that's because

couldn't see the TV from your angle.

Have a good time.

Well,

this should be a good time, huh?

See that, Dominic?

That's the cobra clutch.

And you do it like this.

See that? Immediate submission. That's
how Mommy got Daddy to marry her.

Jimmy, the park?

All right, fine.

But listen, if we're really going to go
to the park, we've got to drop off

Dominic at his friend's house. He
doesn't like the park?

Well, he likes it. It's just that if he
doesn't have the TV to distract him, he

gets a little antisocial around other
kids.

Antisocial? Yeah, he bites.

Hey, buddy, you want to come over here
with that rake?

You can't even play with others.

Oh, this is great.

Sammy loved the swing, the slide, the
jungle gym.

Come on, let's get out of here.

What? No, we told Kim we'd be at the
park. We did the park. Park is done.

Sammy likes it here.

He can't even walk.

He doesn't care where the hell he is.

How about we go on the swings again,
huh, Sam?

Look, man, would you stop pretending
like you're having fun?

Your wife isn't here.

It's too hot anyway.

It is kind of hot. I know. And the
Iranian kids are getting out of the

They probably just found a diaper you
buried.

Shouldn't we be good fathers and take
these guys to somewhere that's cool?

where? I know the perfect place, okay?
It's air -conditioned, there's food,

there's games, a lot of bright colors
stimulate their minds.

What do you mean, like a Chuck E.
Cheese?

Yeah. All right. Something like that.

Roger!

Hey, I think it's great the government
lets you Indians operate these casinos

without paying any taxes.

That's the least they can do after
stealing all that land from you, huh?

I'm Mexican.

Really?

That's all right. I think we took some
stuff from you guys, too.

There was no changing tables in the
men's room. Lucky for us, no one was

pie gal.

Hey, man, come on. Let's get out of
here. I'm on a roll.

You said we were going to an Indian
museum.

What do you think that is over there?
It's a gift shop. They sell dice with

tomahawks on them.

All right, look, the kids are having
fun.

Why don't you just sit down, play a
little blackjack with them? All right,

we're leaving as soon as I lose this.
All right, fine, fine, here.

Wait, you're betting it all?

I'm a wild man.

Okay, you got 19, and he is showing 7.
You're good.

Hit me. What? Sir, you have 19.

I know, hit me.

Oh, man, I can't believe you just... 21.

Wow, figures. One time I'm trying to
lose. Hey, can I hit again?

No.

16. I know where this is going. Hit me.

Of course I busted. You took my two.

I can't believe you're just playing to
lose, man. You used to be fun.

What happened to you? I swear I have
never had fun around you.

You were fun at your bachelor party. I
passed out at my bachelor party. Yeah,

but then we did a lot of fun things with
you.

Blackjack. Oh, come on, you didn't even
give me a chance to lose that time.

19. I'll stay.

20. You know, this is all because you
took that, too. You know what? Why don't

you bet it all again so you can run back
home? Hey, hey, hey, slow down. Let's

play a little smarter this time.

That's a blackjack. Woo -hoo!

Pay attention, Sammy. You don't want to
miss this.

It feels so weird spending the day
getting massages while the men take care

the kids.

What do you think Mom would say if she
saw us right now?

Same thing she said all through high
school.

Christine, put your underwear back on.

You're not wearing any underwear?

Of course not. You're not supposed to.

Well, I'm keeping mine on.

Whatever.

Are they going to think I'm strange
because I'm keeping it on?

Who cares?

Well, I'm not going to be able to relax
if the guy who's rubbing me thinks I'm

strange. Well, take them off.

Well, there's no way I'm going to be
relaxed if I'm lying here naked.

Okay, so basically at this point,
there's no way that you can enjoy this

massage.

I don't think so. But you enjoy
yourself. I'm just going to wait

How long do these things usually take?

About an hour.

Why?

I thought I'd... I don't know.

See how the guys are doing at the park?

Oh, I knew it.

I knew you couldn't leave him all day.
Well, is that so wrong, worrying about

leaving my son? You left him with his
father, okay, who's a very responsible

intelligent man, which is a lot more
than I can say for my husband, and I

my kids with him.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you, how do you do
that?

Because I know at the end of the day,
they're going to be fine. And I also

that they're going to grow up. to be a
lot more self -sufficient and

if their mother isn't hovering over them
all the time. I don't hover.

Remember those bunnies we got for Easter
that year?

Huh? You didn't put yours down for a
whole month. You took it to school with

and you petted it until it had that bald
spot on its head.

And you smelled, Cam, you smelled.

Yeah, well, your bunny ran away. Because
he felt secure and independent enough

to make it on his own.

Do you think I'm a bad mother?

Honey, I think if you relaxed a little,
you'd be a better mother.

And you know a good way to relax?

Get a massage. Atta girl.

Now give me your bra.

No problem.

Good. Now take off. Not a chance.

I shouldn't hit the 12, but I did, but I
did, but I did.

And I thank you.

Come on, you're embarrassing me.

Bust. Damn!

Oh, don't be mad, pumpkin. Here, go buy
yourself something pretty.

Blackjack. Yeah!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Sammy's walking.
He's walking. Quick, give me the

camera. See, I told you there's nothing
wrong with him.

Oh, he's really doing it. Way to go,
Sammy. This is incredible.

Wait till Mommy sees you walking under a
craps table. I can't show her this.

What are you talking about?

Well, we're supposed to be at the park.
We're here in the casino. I mean,

there's bells going off. There's
cocktail waitresses walking by. I'll

will you? Oh, this is horrible. What am
I supposed to do?

Stop filming.

This is his first test.

It is so beautiful.

Damn you.

What's the big deal? We'll just take him
to the park, and you can film him

walking around there. Jimmy, I can't do
that. My wife's probably going to see

this tape 10 ,000 times, and every time
she watches it, I'll know I lied to her.

Well, now you're just inventing
problems.

This is all your fault. Because of you,
my wife is not going to be able to see

your son's first steps.

I knew nothing good was going to come of
this.

You are evil.

You are evil. That's right. This whole
damn place is evil.

Where were you?

I went upstairs to put the kids down for
a nap. I come back and you're gone.

Look, I felt bad about the casino and
Sammy walking, so I got a little

to make up for it.

Cheeseburgers? Ah, ah, ah. Those are
mine.

This. What is it? The guy in my poker
game does special effects for movies, so

he changed the whole background on your
tape. Now it looks like Sammy's walking

in a park.

Come on, that is still light.

What, is it? I mean, if you point at the
TV and you say, Look, honey, your son's

first steps.

Aren't you telling the truth?

It's crazy.

All right, look, look, you can do
whatever you want with it, but at least

look at it.

I saw a little bit.

It's pretty great.

Oh,

my

God, it's amazing. I know. The guy's a
genius.

I can't believe it. It looks totally
realistic.

Listen, I had to slip the guy a few
bucks, so I'm wondering... Whatever you

need. I got it. Don't worry.

Hey!

How was it?

Unbelievable. Thank you so much.

So, uh, Kim, aren't you going to ask
about your son?

Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

You're welcome.

Where are the kids?

Oh, Logan and Tammy are upstairs
napping.

Where's Dominic?

Uh... Charlie's house.

What are you guys watching?

Something I think Kim's really going to
want to see.

What is it?

Oh, my God.

Your son's very first steps.

Look at him.

He's walking.

He's amazing.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Where's that park? It's beautiful.

Ah, it's way the hell out there.

Look at him. He's a natural.

I think we should get out of here. What
do you think?

Look, it was hot in the park, so we took
him to an Indian casino, and he walked.

Sam walked, and it was beautiful, and I
wanted you to see it without the casino.

So I got him to pay a guy how much?

$200.

$200, and this is what he comes up with?
I mean, the kid's obviously walking on

water, and he doesn't see that?

You can't trust anybody anymore.

Don't worry, honey. I'm going to get
that money back.

You took my son to a casino, Christine?
Did you hear this? They took them to a

casino. Just try not to overreact, okay?
We don't know the whole story.

Yeah.

Did you win? No.

Idiot. I won $316.

This is all my fault. I knew this was a
bad idea, and I didn't trust my

instinct.

Obviously, I can never leave you alone
with...

Come on, Kim. You can leave me alone
with him. You just can't leave me alone

with him.

Way to go, guys. She was just starting
to relax.

Did you hear that?

She's never going to let me spend
another day alone with my kid.

You're welcome.

Look at him. I know.

I can't believe he's doing it.

I guess I was worried about nothing.

That's what I'm saying. We need to just
take things as they come.

Stop driving ourselves crazy worrying
about every little problem.

You're right.

Does he look pigeon -toed to you?

No, all kids walk like that at first.

Are you sure? I'll get the books.