All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e13

Tonight on the Beaverton, Trudeau
promises rowdy town hall hecklers if

down and behave, they can watch a video.

Roll Up the Rim is back with new prizes
like paid breaks and sick days for Tim's

employees.

And a man who spent 18 years getting
smacked in the head says climate change

isn't real.

Welcome to the season finale of The
Beaverton, the only news program that

an eight -month break.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm
Emma Hunter, now available for

office parties, and bar mitzvahs.

The Conservative Party is attempting to
distance themselves from alleged sexual

assaulter Rick Dykstra. A statement from
former PM Stephen Harper says he had no

choice but to run Dykstra in the 2015
election because it wasn't as if there

were just hundreds of mediocre white
guys laying around to replace him.

Said one former aide, it's not like
these narrow -minded lackeys just grow

high school debate tournaments.

And we'd already had to replace the guy
who got caught peeing into a mug.

Meanwhile, a number of Conservative
Party members admitted they knew Dykstra

previously been under investigation,
they just didn't know what for. Because

after being told the news, they asked
zero follow -up questions and changed

subject as fast as possible.

The Tories are standing by their
decision, noting that if they hadn't

pragmatic choice to support an alleged
predator, it's possible the

might never have had a chance to lose
that last election so badly.

Nevertheless, they have promised to
improve going forward by dropping their

current policy on sexual harassment
complaints of la -la -la, I am not

listening, la -la -la.

Of course, all of Ottawa has been rocked
by accusations of misconduct leveled at

figures like Aaron Weir and Kent Hare,
plus rumors about the eternal flame that

have been swirling forever.

Joining us live to discuss the fallout
is our political correspondent, Aisha

Alpha. Thanks for having me.

Aisha, why is Parliament Hill facing the
kind of reckoning we saw in a post

-MeToo Hollywood?

Well, as the saying goes, politics is
show business for ugly people, who also

sexually harass their staff.

Is there a particular reason this is
happening on the Hill now?

Me Too has emboldened women everywhere
to finally confront the men who abuse

their power. But since we don't have a
Hollywood studio system, most of

ambitious sociopaths are found in the
federal government.

Hey, some of them end up in the RCMP.

Oh, sorry, you said ambitious.

But Ottawa and Hollywood couldn't be any
less alike.

Well, sure, the after parties are less
glamorous, but what Patrick Brown lacks

in James Franco's bone structure, he
makes up for with James Franco's

towards women.

I see your point. If Harvey Weinstein
was Canadian, he'd top out as a

fisheries minister or something.

Have any tangible measures been taken to
address the rampant sexism in the House

of Commons?

Sort of.

Trudeau is taking the Kent Hare
allegation seriously enough to kick him

cabinet. But not seriously enough.
enough to boot him from caucus. Well, he

to make considerations on a case -by
-case basis.

It's the same case.

Well, Amazon forced their studio head
out for harassment, but that won't stop

them from distributing Woody Allen
movies.

Also, caucus has a different set of
rules since it already sounds like a

joke.

So what can the government do to prevent
predatory behavior moving forward?

There have been calls for a number of
high -profile female MPs to bring the

Time's Up initiative to Ottawa. But the
motion got bogged down in committee and

then tabled until 2019.

So I don't know. We'll see.

Aisha Alpha, everyone.

Still without a seat in Parliament, NDP
leader Jagmeet Singh has been asked to

stop putting reserve signs on chairs in
the public gallery.

This isn't Singh's first warning
regarding behavior.

He has been reminded on several
occasions that during a session of

the public is forbidden to applaud,
communicate to NDP members with

baseball signals, or use distracting
noisemakers while Andrew Scheer speaks.

Jugmeet will not have a seat until the
2019 election unless someone gives one

or his Nikki Ashton disguise gets much
more convincing.

The Ontario PC leadership race appears
to be set. In Caroline Mulroney,

Christine Elliott, and Doug Ford,
provincial Tories have a choice between

highly qualified women and the guy who
beat up Marty McFly's dad in Back to the

Future.

Many pundits are confident that Doug
Ford could never win in Ontario, noting

there is simply no precedent for a
vulgar, trust -fund millionaire populist

a shady past defeating an experienced,
though unpopular, female opponent.

For their part, Elliott and Mulroney
have their own strategies for victory.

Elliott plans to run on having actually
been a PC Party member before last week,

while Mulroney is hoping to be swept
into power by the 80s nostalgia wave

so hot right now.

With Caroline Mulroney entering the
Ontario PC leadership race and Justin

Trudeau running the country, the
provincial NDP is scouring their history

anyone successful enough for their child
to win an election based solely on

their name. Said one party member, sure,
Andrea Horvath has strong principles

and years of leadership experience, but
that kind of thing just isn't going to

fly in 2018.

I mean, I don't even know who her dad
is.

So far, the NDP's best bets are Tommy
Douglas' grandson, Kiefer Sutherland,

who'd likely view the job of premier as
a demotion from his current role of

pretend president.

And this dog, who looks a bit like Ed
Broadbent.

When we return, the pipeline dispute
between B .C. and Alberta has experts

asking, is there a way to help Mother
Earth without angering Father Money?

Drink. Power.

White power.

It's time to unleash your inner Aryan
with a workout unlike any other.

Meet Alt -Might, the only training
system designed to turn you from a weak,

angry nerd into a righteous defender of
the Aryan race.

She results with just 14 minutes a day
of exercises specially designed for

basement apartments, including resistant
Ziegheil.

Leg lifts and dual bicep curl tweaks.
You will not replace me. These exercises

may not seem rigorous, but you'll feel
emboldened by the power of Alt -Might's

weight supremacy.

Before Alt -Might, I was a pudgy little
weakling. Today, I'm still a pudgy

little weakling.

But now I know it's the Jews' fault. Get
Alt -Might for two easy payments of $49

.99. And if you buy now, we'll throw in
our workout video.

Alt -P88H, the best regime to develop
your core hatred.

Alt -Might.

Feel like a big man.

As facial recognition technology becomes
every day, civil rights groups warn

that it could be used by oppressive
regimes to persecute based on race and

sexual orientation.

But does this deeply problematic
technology also have a fun side?

We're joined now by our own Dave
Barclay.

Hey, Emma.

And, uh, oh, let me just try some facial
recognition. Hey, Miguel?

We've met many times, Dave.

Facial recognition is the trend right
now. From the Amazon store to the Google

Arts app to the predator drone watching
you from 30 ,000 feet right now.

Okay, and how does it get worse than
that?

Introducing What Are You, the new racial
recognition app that figures out what

race people are when it's none of your
business.

Excuse me?

Sometimes you meet someone and you just
can't help asking the question, what are

you?

But it seems to make people
uncomfortable for some reason.

Because, Dave, the answer to the
question is always a human being.

Thanks to the What Are You app, you can
cut out the middleman just by holding

your phone in someone's face until it
says some kind of Spanishman.

I don't speak Turkish.

My name is Miguel.

Yeah, well, I don't speak Farsi. It also
tells you what not to say. For example,

apparently I'm not supposed to call
Miguel.

Some kind of Spanishman.

Dave, this app is clearly very racist.

Uh, Silicon Valley doing something
racially insensitive?

I don't know, Miguel, that doesn't sound
like Mark and James and Chad to me.

Okay, well, then tell me what non -evil
use there is for this. I don't know, but

there must be one, because police forces
across the United States are

downloading it as we speak.

Dave Barclay, everyone.

After weeks of pressure from Devin
Nunes, the House Intelligence Committee

finally released the memo that
definitively proves the FBI has a

-crime bias.

Trump supporters were vindicated by the
finding that the FBI has no right to

investigate the president just because
he hired a bunch of suspicious people

do and say illegal things.

Given a positive response to the memo,
Nunes is also releasing a heavily

redacted grocery list that proves Trump
is the healthiest man in America.

Meanwhile, the Democrats seized the
opportunity to release a damning

but ended up just accidentally
declassifying all of their email

The Eagles are the Super Bowl champions,
meaning after 52 years of frustration,

Philadelphia Eagles fans were finally
able to prevail over their city's cars,

landmarks, and storefronts.

With the celebratory destruction of
their beloved hometown complete, the

notoriously violent fans promptly began
sacking neighboring cities, including

New York, Washington, D .C., and
Baltimore.

Having seized control of most of the
eastern seaboard, the drunken revelers

now marching west.

Asked what they want, one Eagles fan
screamed, fly, Eagles, fly, and then

a car battery through an ambulance
window.

The government has urged everyone east
of the Rockies to seek shelter in

California in the hopes that the horde's
steady diet of cheesesteaks will not

sustain them on the treacherous mountain
crossing.

Finding space for worldwide refugee
resettlement has proven to be difficult,

especially for a country with as little
free space as Canada.

Luckily, the Liberal government is
working to reform how we indefinitely

newly arrived migrants. For more, here's
our own Donovan Stinson.

Over the last year, Canada has seen a
massive influx of asylum seekers, drawn

Trudeau's misleading message.

on immigration policy.

Practice of indefinitely detaining
refugees is only compounding the growing

crisis. But now, the Ministry of
Immigration believes it may have a

turning the Lavelle Immigrant Detention
Center into the nation's hottest escape

room. Two years ago, Trudeau committed
$138 million to create a fairer

immigration detention system.

Well, over 24 months of consultation, we
realized that making meaningful change

is... Tough.

But at the same time, escape rooms were
becoming a hugely popular form of

entertainment for millennials.

Aren't the liberals just pandering then
to make an abhorrent policy just a

little bit more palatable?

Well, they're much less likely to
protest a potential human rights

we call it an escape room.

Escape implies hope.

So by saying that then, that there is
hope that they'll get out.

Well, you'll have to play to find out.

Welcome, Donovan, to my room.

Christopher Jones is a migrant laborer
from Jamaica who violated his work

by staying two weeks too long.

So, Christopher, how long have you been
in this escape room?

I've been here 18 months. 18?

Yes, away to that decision on my
immigration status.

Now I spend most of my days solving word
puzzles.

Huh. To be honest, it doesn't really
sound so bad.

If I refuse, then put me in solitary
confinement.

Really? Maybe that's part of the game.

What is? Honestly, it's hard to tell.

What? Are you a puzzle?

No, I'm a person.

I had to see for myself if the injustice
lived up to the hype.

Jackpot! You see?

I don't get it. I found something!

I found something!

There's nothing on it. There's nothing
on it. God damn it, there's nothing on

it. It doesn't make any sense.

Why give us the combination lock and
then all these keys?

There's so many numbers. There's so many
words. I feel like I'm going crazy. I

feel like I've been in here for... I
mean, how long have we been in here for?

How long have we been in here for, guys?
It's only been about five minutes. It's

only been five minutes? Calm yourselves,
man. It's only been, oh, God!

None of us, none of us. What?

Entity number 5 -8 -0 -0 -8.

0 -0 -8.

You ready?

Ready.

The password is Visa.

You see, I tell you, this shit is never
ending.

So, just like hundreds of detained
immigrants and refugees, I spent the day

searching for clues in a deck of playing
cards and combing through legal

precedents, hoping to find the true key
to freedom, fixing our immigration

policy. This might as well be in Latin.

It is in Latin, Chris.

It is in Latin.

If we can get every incarcerated migrant
working together, solving the complex

problems of our refugee detention
policy, we might be able to actually

fix our broken immigration system.

I'm not sure if this is a good idea or a
bad idea anymore.

Yeah, that's the liberal government at
work.

Thanks,

Jonathan. When we return, if we create a
new gender -neutral national anthem,

then how will the rest of the world know
that Canada is a boy?

It's hard to know.

Coming up later.

New research warns 60 % of Canadians may
have a podcast.

New Saskatchewan premier Scott Moe is
hailed as the perfect fit for a large,

flat rectangle.

And Elizabeth May invites anyone who
accused her of bullying to meet her

the flagpole after last period and say
it to her face.

The RCMP faces over 1 ,100 sexual
harassment complaints from female staff.

Fortunately, the Toronto police have
volunteered to investigate their

problem in exchange for the RCMP
investigating their racism problem.

Said one TPS representative, it's
perfect.

We'll do your sexism, you do our racism,
the OPP can do thunder -based

corruption, and all four of us can look
into whatever the hell's going on in

Winnipeg.

This mutual investigation pilot program
has since grown to include every

precinct in the country. The result?

All of Canada's police officers have
been suspended with pay, but crime is

3 ,000%.

KFC has unveiled their newest Colonel
Sanders, singer Reba McEntire, capturing

the much -thought -after demographic of
people who love fried chicken, country

music, and exploding traditional gender
binaries.

The gender -blind casting has already
had a ripple effect, with Wendy's fans

starting an online petition to cast
Harry Potter star Rupert Grint as the

titular burger mistress.

Whether a cynical marketing scheme or
just a regular marketing scheme, KFC's

decision is being hailed as a welcome
first step, one that could even result

the first transgender Denny of our
lifetime.

Later this year, a state visit to the UK
will see Donald Trump meet the Queen in

what many are calling Trump's most
anticipated international scandal yet.

According to observers, it's not if but
how disaster will strike. Will Trump try

to kiss the Queen?

Will his signature yank handshake topple
Her Majesty to the floor?

Will he simply sit on a corgi? There are
just too many variables for Secret

Service to control.

It looked like the incident would be
avoided when Trump reportedly wanted a

guarantee there would be no protests
during his visit. He also demanded clear

blue skies, that football be called
soccer, and to meet both Harry Potter

for some reason, Zorro.

When we return, a shaky stock market is
making shareholders wonder if these

apocalyptic end times are a safe
investment climate.

Welcome back.

The Winter Olympics start on Friday. As
everyone knows, the Games are a crucial

reminder of the power of sport and how
many Scandinavian countries there are.

Joining us to preview what we can expect
from the Olympics is analyst Pat Smith,

reporting live from Pyeongchang.
Welcome, Pat.

Hey, guys. Good to be here. Small
correction, though. Turns out I made a

error, and instead of Pyeongchang, South
Korea, I wound up in Pyongyang, North

Korea. You're in North Korea?

Isn't that incredibly dangerous?

Oh, yeah. I've been here for like two
hours already, and I've seen some things

that I will never be able to forget.

But anyway, enough about me. Let's talk
sports.

Uh, Pat, it really seems like there are
bigger concerns here. Are you sure you

want to do this?

Definitely. I love the Olympics. Plus, I
need video evidence of my location

should I be taken.

Okay. Uh, how do Canada's chances stack
up this year?

Well, the only sport we really care
about is hockey.

On the men's side, the lack of NHLers
begs the question, can our unsigned free

agents and retired pros inspire the next
generation of players who are not also

good enough to make the NHL?

But the women's team does have all of
its best players, right? It does,

they are facing a threat from a new
contender, the United North and South

teams. Independently, these countries
were ranked 23rd and 24th, respectively.

But now that they've united, they've
shot up to 35th. Wow.

Sounds like Canada needs to watch its
back.

No, but seriously, they should. North
Korea's left -wing sniper is a literal

sniper.

Incidentally, if it comes down to it,
hiding inside one of the North Korean

players' hockey bags is how I plan to
escape.

Where is Kim Jong -un in all of this?
Previously, he has varied from

the games to threatening to blow them
up.

Well, state media is reporting not only
does the most virile leader approve of

the games, but he's currently the gold
medal favorite in every sport.

Also, for safety reasons, I should add,
he can dance better than Michael

Jackson. Hey, Pat, let's talk curling.
How much for those rock plays? You know,

I'm going to have to cut you off there,
Miguel. There's a soldier walking over,

and he does not look happy. Tell Luke I
love him. Are you okay, Pat?

Look, he's waving.

Wow. Pat Smith, everyone.

He's dead, right? Oh, for sure, yeah.

Now to one of the biggest stories of the
year, and one that is close to my

heart. For the last few years,
journalism has been under attack from

technology, and journalists on
journalist crime.

Our industry is in a crisis.

Real news is being called fake news.
Made -up conspiracies are reported as

and Miguel's life was put in danger when
his home address was broadcast four

separate times. That was only three
times.

Hey!

Which brings us to tonight's Point
Counterpoint. Are we part of the

Miguel, what do you think? Absolutely
not. We are providing insight and

for the stories that matter most to
Canadians.

Please, at best, we do an okay job at
pronouncing international names and

places. At worst, we spread lies and
rumors from here to Beijing.

What lies are we spreading?

Lies of omission. Why are we talking
about how the earth is flat?

Or about Melania's army of body doubles?
And come to think of it, some of the

stories we report on are a little far
-fetched. Legal pot, a Mexican wall,

Meghan Markle leaving suits to marry a
prince.

Those are all real. As real as the tears
I cried when Harry proposed.

It was special.

And the stuff that's actually happening
is just as insane as the crap people

make up. It's like I should just forget
everything I learned at fake journalism

school. There are fake journalism
schools?

No, I just made it up. Well, then you
must have done really well.

You know, I did okay.

It was sort of like a...

party fake journalism school.

What?

Okay, Emma, look, we both know fake news
is just pablum for people who want to

confirm their pre -existing bias, but
it's not our fault people intentionally

trap themselves inside of their own echo
chambers.

I guess all we can do is try our best to
present an objective reality on how

Pizzagate was an inside job.

Sure. And like any responsible news
program, we take events and present them

a way that reflects our values. And the
values of strangers on the Internet who

agree with us.

Them too.

Who echo our sentiment in a sort of
chamber.

Oh, my God.

You're right. We are part of the
problem.

Well, that's our show. And that's our
season. Thank you so much for watching.

We may not be back for a while, but if
you need the news read to you, please,

don't be afraid to knock on our door.

Hey!

Well, I'm not listening to them. I'm
very busy. I have a lot of male friends,

you know what I mean. Yeah.

M -A -I -L -E.

And one of them delivers my M -A -I -L.

That's a point.

I think it's a male, male, male.

Yeah. He is male. Yeah. He also has
letters. I'm not listening to that

Yeah. But I do feel like.

And I feel like you should chill out.

Click, uh, grow, grow, grow, and start a
shop.

Start a shop.