All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e12

Tonight on the Beaverton, Trump's feud
with Jay -Z has Americans nostalgic for

when people used to die in feuds with
hip -hop artists.

The biggest ever digital currency heist
causes a global shortage of ones and

zeros. And Ticketmaster is being sued
for secret hidden fees, but somehow not

for charging $400 to see Def Leppard.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the show
that's currently on between

commercials. I'm your host, Miguel
Rivas. And I'm Pfizer drug rep, Emma

The response to last night's State of
the Union has been largely positive.

many Americans impressed, the president
managed to get through a whole hour

without declaring war, bragging about
sex, or even once saying the N -word.

House Republicans were quick to claim
the speech as Trump's most presidential

yet, for featuring numerous big boy
words delivered in an indoor voice.

And for never calling an entire
country's population rapist.

Even Trump's sharpest critics were
forced to concede the speech was a high

watermark, said one congressional
Democrat.

We remain opposed to the president's tax
cuts, but he didn't call attention to

anyone's rack, deny the existence of
Ecuador, or say that all Japanese people

are ghosts.

So I guess we'll give him the win.

Patrick Brown's resignation over
allegations of sexual misconduct has the

nation's 50 -somethings asking, why
should a man running for public office

subject to the court of public opinion?

Many of your parents' friends are quick
to point out it's completely unfair to

force a candidate to resign just because
they did something unpopular. If we

listen to women, we might miss out on
the next Roy Moore, Al Franken, or even

Anthony Weiner.

According to one uncomfortable
conversation with your supervisor's

partner, we shouldn't judge politicians
just because they're running for office.

Why can't we elect people solely on
their policies, rather than having to

consider the horrible things that they
may have done?

Unfortunately, the collapse of the PC
party has left no viable option for

Ontarians, who both believe women and
hate the poor.

Of course, after the resignations of
Brown and party president Rick Dykstra,

progressive conservatives are pledging
to work almost as hard at reforming

party culture as they previously were at
covering up their party culture.

Having ignored the concerning rumors
about the man they were trying to make

Ontario's premier while being led by an
alleged sexual assaulter, party brass

say they now realize that's kind of a
thing that's a bit frowned upon.

According to one, we're ready to believe
the women political pressure forces us

to believe. From now on, we will only
choose candidates and leaders with no

skeletons in their closet. Like Doug
Ford.

But the reckoning wasn't limited to just
Ontario.

With Ken Hare ousted, Justin Trudeau has
made good on his policy of zero

tolerance for sexual harassment.

Related negative press.

The PMO also expressed regret for not
having acted sooner, since there had

rumblings for years that Kent Hare was a
troubling PR liability.

According to a statement from the Prime
Minister's office, as a publicly avowed

feminist, Justin will not countenance
behavior that in any way threatens,

harasses, or assaults that reputation.

Fortunately, the news isn't all grim. Up
next, death.

It's still the only way to collect your
great -uncle's inheritance.

But what happens when conservatives try
to take away the right to die from Uncle

Fritz? We sent Aisha Alpha to find out
more.

Even with social conservative Andrew
Scheer at the helm of the official

opposition, Canada's right wing has so
far failed to make any ground against

right -to -die legislation.

But here in Saskatchewan, conservative
activists are trying a new approach to

undermine the legislation by using
tactics they've honed over years of anti

-abortion campaigns.

We can't stop people from ending their
lives. Instead, we just want to create a

few teeny legislative hoops that
terminally ill patients have to jump

they can prove they want death bad
enough.

Aren't these patients usually in
hospice?

How much do you expect them to go
through for a dignified death?

We just want to make sure patients are
fit to make the decision.

I suppose patients should be mentally
fit. Oh, no, I meant physically fit.

have to be able to run a four -minute
mile.

Eliza's other proposed requirements
include having to read literature about

it's like at 900 months and looking at
an artist's rendering of what happens to

people after they end their lives.

Most worryingly, a bill has gone to
committee that would require all

death candidates receive a transvaginal
ultrasound regardless of sex.

We just want Canadians to know how
important it is that euthanasia be

in a hospital with doorways that are
exactly 7 feet 2 inches tall.

How does somebody wanting to die affect
you?

What right are you defending?

The most important right of all. The
right of every social conservative. To

people what they can or cannot do with
their bodies.

Eliza still has a long way to go before
achieving her right -wing utopia. But

many are concerned that if she keeps
chipping away at right -to -die

legislation, the terminally ill will be
forced to turn to the black market for

back -alley suicide.

For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alpha.

Thanks, Aisha. One of the hottest and
most baffling trends out there has

teenagers broadcasting themselves on
social media eating individual packets

Tide laundry detergent.

It's called the Tide Pod Challenge, and
it's just about the dumbest.

Joining us to discuss is Denise
Janstone, head of the crisis management

handling the situation. Hi, Denise.

Thanks for having me. It's been a tough
couple weeks.

Denise, let's cut to the chase. Why are
you telling people to eat laundry pods?

Okay, we are absolutely not doing that.
I want to make that clear. Do not, under

any circumstances, eat detergent.

Please. Still, your client must be
pretty happy about all the free

No, that's... Don't... Look, since this
thing started, we've been very clear

that these detergent packages are
harmful if ingested. It says so right on

package for crying out loud.

That covers the legal responsibility,
but what about the moral one?

I'm sorry, the moral responsibility for
stopping people from eating poison

that's clearly labeled as poison?

Yes.

So Denise, if I'm hearing you, you're
suggesting that people should not eat

these Tide Pods or wash their clothes in
them. No, you can wash your clothes in

them. So people should wash their
clothes in poison? It's not poison for

clothes. Denise, on some level, do you
think this whole Tide Pod challenge is

just the newest expression of typical
teen angst? Well, there have to be

ways of expressing yourself.

Like starting a ska band. Okay, no, I'd
never... Well, let's not get crazy here.

We just want this to stop.

Well, in fairness, Denise, it is a bit
confusing. I was in a bakery the other

day, and I saw a donut that looked
exactly like one of these laundry pods.

borrow that look?

They're the ones doing the borrowing.
Are they? Oh, so it's more of a brand

integration thing. No!

Look, just don't eat the detergent. It's
that simple. Full stop, full stop.

I'm sorry for yelling. It's just, I'm so
tired.

Denise, if there was one thing you could
say to someone who was thinking of

taking the Tide Pod Challenge, what
would it be?

I'd say, why?

But why climb a mountain? Why go to the
moon? We don't do these things because

they're easy. We do them because they're
hard.

Look, I know you think it's cool and fun
to eat clothing soap, but there's

nothing cool and fun about esophageal
burns and holes in your stomach.

But since common sense won't dissuade
you, you've left me with no choice.

What?

You're going to see this. You're going
to see this.

We understand. No, we don't need that.

We return.

We look at how teens are moving on to
the next viral trend, the exhaust pipe

challenge.

Coming up later, Calgary's replacement
of road salt with beet juice is leaving

their streets ice -free and their rivers
biblically terrifying.

As allegations of tax evasion surface,
Loblaws offers to repay the government

$25 bread gift cards.

And Air Canada cuts costs by replacing
its in -flight films with in -flight

community theater.

To the Montreal NAFTA negotiations now,
where the liberal bargaining team showed

up after their week at Davos on Saturday
with what economists are forecasting

might have been the hangover of the
goddamn century.

Meeting every January, the forum is a
week of policy, diplomacy, and economics

-fueled ragers.

And as a country wooing investment, it
was Canada's job to try and beat the

Davos keg stand record set in 2011 by
Silvio Berlusconi.

Since arriving back in Montreal,
Canada's negotiators collectively

dozens of Bloody Marys, hundreds of
Advils, pushed for reduced softwood

tariffs, and dummied a buffet table of
hash browns so greasy that the

conversation immediately switched to the
oil sands.

Canada has agreed to the Trans -Pacific
Partnership, a controversial 11 -nation

trade deal that will finally give
Canadians access to Japan's eel

and pillows shaped like women's thighs.

A deal of this size and scope raises
many questions. Will Canada be party to

human rights abuses in Malaysia and
Brunei? Can multinational corporations

us over our environmental laws? Do those
things even matter if we can finally

buy loaves of watermelon bread and
whatever this is?

The deal, of course, was an important
win for Trudeau. With the future of

uncertain, Canada now has a safety
agreement, making the TPP the Brock

University of Trade deal.

Science has yet to conquer man's need to
drink water, but soon we may have no

choice. With the residents of Cape Town,
South Africa quickly running out of

water, could Canadians soon be forced to
care?

Live with us via satellite is our
foreign correspondent, Marilla Weck.

Thanks, Emma. I'm here in Cape Town
where residents are currently counting

to day zero, the very cool -sounding but
actually terrifying day when the city

will run out of water.

Experts predict the taps will run dry on
April the 12th and on May the 12th for

white residents.

And Marilla, do they have any plans for
after that? No, but there are plans to

make plans.

South African lawmakers are exploring
their time -tested strategies of

pretending nothing is wrong or
alternatively putting all of the water

Now, what exactly caused this water
shortage?

A combination of record low rainfalls
and Cape Town's affluent white suburbs'

insistence on a water slide -based
transit system.

Marilla, how did nobody see this
humanitarian crisis coming? Excellent

Miguel. It's hard to imagine South
Africa being willfully ignorant towards

something the rest of the world can
clearly see as inhumane.

South Africa considered using seawater
for desalination, a word that I just

learned now through my earpiece.

Desalination is being implemented,
though high costs and raw sewage runoff

it in many ways a shitty plan.

Luckily, I'm barred from most
transcontinental flights. Besides,

plenty of water, right? Well, all across
Canada, water is being protected and

conserved for future generations.

Unfortunately, this is being done by the
Nestle Corporation, and they're going

to sell it back to us for $20 a bottle.
So to answer your question, no.

Should have seen that one coming.

Marilla Wex in Cape Town.

When we return, United Airlines saves
170 ,000 gallons of fuel by using

paper in magazines and forcibly removing
its heaviest passengers.

I don't read magazines. I don't read.

Bye.

Coming up later.

NAFTA talks get heated as the U .S. now
demands both a wall and a roof over

Mexico.

Outrageous daycare fees are forcing
women out of the workforce and into the

lucrative field of owning a daycare.

And British Prime Minister Theresa May
appointed a Minister of Loneliness who

pledged to boost loneliness by 30 %
within five years.

Vancouver was recently named the third
most unaffordable city in the world. But

young people living there have found a
new way to adapt.

Never think about it and then someday
die.

According to one renter, not
acknowledging that life could be

than paying $1 ,800 a month for a
basement apartment is pretty crucial for

getting through a dark Vancouver day.

That and waiting for the inevitable
tsunami of Fukushima radiation.

However, when told that they could avoid
poverty and death just by moving to

Kelowna, most young Vancouverites
responded, I'll take the tsunami,

The Toronto Public Library has
introduced its own streaming service,

that a municipal agency is getting into
it, is this finally the end of Netflix?

The library's new service hopes to
captivate the public by offering

movies, even though the book is
definitely better.

And in order to compete with the
streaming giant, they are introducing

slate of original programming, such as
House of Library Cards, Orange is the

Bibliography, Silent Things, and 13
Reasons Why You Should Return Your

Books on Time.

Dear Loud People, Fuller Shelves, The
Marvelous Mrs. Microfiche, Librarians

Cars Being Quiet, Lacey Dynamite, The
Unbookable Kimmy Sh, and

the award -winning 10 -part true crime
series Making a Murmurer.

The library and chill program is
anticipated to have an added benefit of

people to have sex in the comfort of
their own home instead of the non

section.

Nova Scotian PC leader Jamie Bailey's
allegations of inappropriate behavior

quickly overshadowed by the Patrick
Brown scandal.

Critics call this yet another example of
how maritime scandals face fewer

opportunities than scandals in Ontario.

Said one East Coast political
commentator, too many Maritimers feel

relocate west to make a name for
themselves as a creep or even a dirtbag.

Many Atlantic Canadians dream of
rebuilding a province where national

still be made by traditional Nova
Scotian pervs.

According to experts, eating is the best
way to get food into your body.

But despite all the health benefits of
not starving to death, Canada's school

lunch programs are lagging behind.

We sent celebrity chef Eddie Zhang to
find out more.

We gotta get this going right now, all
right? Hey, yo, I'm Eddie Zhang.

Eddie! Head chef and owner of the
restaurant Dim Sum's Gotta Give.

Recently, I've been thinking there must
be more to life than deep -frying rare

birds and being a dope -ass chef.

That's why, when I heard about the
terrible lunch programs at our nation's

schools, I decided to bring the food of
the street into the school hallways,

which, if you think about it, are just
tiny streets for small children.

I brought in Val Correa from the
Ministry of Intergovernmental Affairs

to try out my crisp menu. We got
freshwater shrimp dumplings, Wagyu beef

ribs and Hong Kong -style coleslaw.

All for under $70 per day per kid.

Fresh and healthy food is so important
for developing minds. Yeah.

But we can't afford any of this.

Yo, for real?

Not even the Buffalo -style parent wing?

No. My homegirl Val told me that Canada
is the only G8 country without a school

lunch program, which is why schools
outsource cafeterias to private

serving unhealthy foods like pizza and
disgraceful non -parent chicken wings.

All right, explain to me why a school
lunch program is worse than one in

a country whose public education is
basically learning how to do hate

In Canada, we expect the children to go
home for lunch and have their parents

cook for them.

Yeah, seems like a reasonable
expectation to have in this day and age.

sure, over the past 30 years, the needs
of double -income families and single

parents, yeah, they've changed, but
policy can't catch up the societal

that quickly. Yeah, I feel you, fam.

That's why my restaurant has many health
code violations.

So the government is offering tax breaks
on whatever kids buy at the corner

store. Yeah, just remind your six -year
-old to save receipts. Yo, that's tight.

You do not want to mess with the CRA.

As thrilled as I was that my kids were
getting rebates on Arizona iced tea and

packs of smokes, something still needed
to be done.

That's why Val let me start a pilot
national gruel lunch program. It's

lunchtime! To feed our country's
children for less than three sets of

of a twist, motherfuckers! Honestly,
feeding kids piramache paste is not a

satisfactory solution.

This is probably a problem that all
three levels of government should be

with, and not a TV chef.

This is the Beaverton, and I'm your boy,
Zang.

Thanks, Eddie. When we return, Kobe
Bryant rejects his Oscar nomination over

concerns that will remind people of his
sexual assault case.

You know, I don't like basketball, and I
really like basketball.

Welcome back.

To international news, the Prime
Minister of New Zealand is pregnant.

Wait, a man is pregnant?

No.

Anyway, this has left the world
uncertain whether they'll have to shame

taking mat leave or for not taking mat
leave.

According to childless maternity experts
the world over, Prime Minister Jacinda

Ardern is taking her responsibilities as
a mother either too seriously, not

seriously enough, or somehow both at the
same time.

Said one internet poster, if Jacinda
truly cared, she wouldn't have kids in

office or a country while pregnant. She
should either freeze her eggs until

she's done her term or freeze New
Zealand until her children grow up.

You don't get to have it all.

Last week, the doomsday clock was
unexpectedly set to two minutes before

midnight. This means that nuclear
scientists believe we're closer than

annihilation.

It was a terrifying reminder of how
fragile humanity is, that we can be

out at any moment by something as simple
as an atomic bomb.

It's also the subject of tonight's
emergency Beefeat segment, three ways to

laid during the apocalypse.

Why did I think this segment would ever
be helpful?

Sure, some nerds will waste their last
15 minutes calling their parents or a

spouse, but I know most of us will be
looking to snag one last good bone

turning to ash.

Which brings us to number three, keep it
casual.

I know the end of the world seems like a
big deal, but remember, this is just

going to be a fling.

Okay, as much as I want to keep out of
this, I have to ask, won't most people

in a state of pure panic?

Yeah, that's why it's so hot.

There's no greater aphrodisiac than
mortal terror. But remember, desperation

never sexy, even during Armageddon.
Okay, your turn.

Do I have to?

Yeah, you get to.

No matter how much you want to, don't be
picky. It's not that kind of judgment

day.

This is a new low, even for this
segment. What if the world doesn't end?

recording of this piece will still be
out there.

Oh, please, Miguel. Everybody knows
we're on the brink. And last, but

not least, number one.

Attract a mate by turning your bomb
shelter into a premium fuck palace.

Oh, my God!

Don't worry about waking up neighbors.
They're probably dead.

What were you trying to accomplish with
this piece? Miguel, we can report on

global conflict as much as you want. But
reality check, during a nuclear attack,

the only thing we control is if we die
like cowards or go down swinging. And I

mean swinging.

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Don't be disgusting.

Well, that's the end of our show.

But join us next week for the thrilling
season finale of The News.

No one's going to have stuff to do
regardless of whether or not they're

to. Oh, I will not be having stuff.

Here's what I think you should do. Get a
bucket of Purell. Right.

And do your whole thing. A lot of
Purell. Don't worry about that. Yeah,

full Purell. You know, I have Canada's
largest.

Yeah,

I can see.

Yeah.

None of the flavor ones. I feel like
they stink.

They don't look like they smell.

What version is that, Neil?

This is the funniest of any.

We're going to pick up the phone.