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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,270 --> 00:00:12,730 Tonight on the Beaverton, Trump's feud with Jay -Z has Americans nostalgic for 2 00:00:12,730 --> 00:00:15,230 when people used to die in feuds with hip -hop artists. 3 00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:20,930 The biggest ever digital currency heist causes a global shortage of ones and 4 00:00:20,930 --> 00:00:25,990 zeros. And Ticketmaster is being sued for secret hidden fees, but somehow not 5 00:00:25,990 --> 00:00:28,170 for charging $400 to see Def Leppard. 6 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,520 Welcome to the Beaverton, the show that's currently on between 7 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:43,780 commercials. I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm Pfizer drug rep, Emma 8 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,060 The response to last night's State of the Union has been largely positive. 9 00:00:49,060 --> 00:00:52,100 many Americans impressed, the president managed to get through a whole hour 10 00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:56,300 without declaring war, bragging about sex, or even once saying the N -word. 11 00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:00,500 House Republicans were quick to claim the speech as Trump's most presidential 12 00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:04,120 yet, for featuring numerous big boy words delivered in an indoor voice. 13 00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:07,520 And for never calling an entire country's population rapist. 14 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:11,680 Even Trump's sharpest critics were forced to concede the speech was a high 15 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,740 watermark, said one congressional Democrat. 16 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:18,220 We remain opposed to the president's tax cuts, but he didn't call attention to 17 00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:22,060 anyone's rack, deny the existence of Ecuador, or say that all Japanese people 18 00:01:22,060 --> 00:01:23,060 are ghosts. 19 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,200 So I guess we'll give him the win. 20 00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:29,940 Patrick Brown's resignation over allegations of sexual misconduct has the 21 00:01:29,940 --> 00:01:34,380 nation's 50 -somethings asking, why should a man running for public office 22 00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:36,040 subject to the court of public opinion? 23 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,560 Many of your parents' friends are quick to point out it's completely unfair to 24 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,700 force a candidate to resign just because they did something unpopular. If we 25 00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:48,800 listen to women, we might miss out on the next Roy Moore, Al Franken, or even 26 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:49,800 Anthony Weiner. 27 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:54,200 According to one uncomfortable conversation with your supervisor's 28 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:58,140 partner, we shouldn't judge politicians just because they're running for office. 29 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,980 Why can't we elect people solely on their policies, rather than having to 30 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:04,040 consider the horrible things that they may have done? 31 00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:08,580 Unfortunately, the collapse of the PC party has left no viable option for 32 00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:11,500 Ontarians, who both believe women and hate the poor. 33 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:18,220 Of course, after the resignations of Brown and party president Rick Dykstra, 34 00:02:18,220 --> 00:02:21,540 progressive conservatives are pledging to work almost as hard at reforming 35 00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:25,040 party culture as they previously were at covering up their party culture. 36 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,440 Having ignored the concerning rumors about the man they were trying to make 37 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:33,800 Ontario's premier while being led by an alleged sexual assaulter, party brass 38 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,060 say they now realize that's kind of a thing that's a bit frowned upon. 39 00:02:38,110 --> 00:02:41,750 According to one, we're ready to believe the women political pressure forces us 40 00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:45,030 to believe. From now on, we will only choose candidates and leaders with no 41 00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:47,350 skeletons in their closet. Like Doug Ford. 42 00:02:48,890 --> 00:02:51,810 But the reckoning wasn't limited to just Ontario. 43 00:02:52,230 --> 00:02:56,410 With Ken Hare ousted, Justin Trudeau has made good on his policy of zero 44 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,150 tolerance for sexual harassment. 45 00:02:58,730 --> 00:02:59,850 Related negative press. 46 00:03:00,750 --> 00:03:05,030 The PMO also expressed regret for not having acted sooner, since there had 47 00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:08,450 rumblings for years that Kent Hare was a troubling PR liability. 48 00:03:09,010 --> 00:03:12,950 According to a statement from the Prime Minister's office, as a publicly avowed 49 00:03:12,950 --> 00:03:16,830 feminist, Justin will not countenance behavior that in any way threatens, 50 00:03:17,010 --> 00:03:18,950 harasses, or assaults that reputation. 51 00:03:20,630 --> 00:03:23,830 Fortunately, the news isn't all grim. Up next, death. 52 00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:27,460 It's still the only way to collect your great -uncle's inheritance. 53 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:31,160 But what happens when conservatives try to take away the right to die from Uncle 54 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,520 Fritz? We sent Aisha Alpha to find out more. 55 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,660 Even with social conservative Andrew Scheer at the helm of the official 56 00:03:37,660 --> 00:03:42,320 opposition, Canada's right wing has so far failed to make any ground against 57 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,320 right -to -die legislation. 58 00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:47,980 But here in Saskatchewan, conservative activists are trying a new approach to 59 00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:52,400 undermine the legislation by using tactics they've honed over years of anti 60 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,400 -abortion campaigns. 61 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,640 We can't stop people from ending their lives. Instead, we just want to create a 62 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:01,380 few teeny legislative hoops that terminally ill patients have to jump 63 00:04:01,380 --> 00:04:03,040 they can prove they want death bad enough. 64 00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,460 Aren't these patients usually in hospice? 65 00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:08,740 How much do you expect them to go through for a dignified death? 66 00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:11,720 We just want to make sure patients are fit to make the decision. 67 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:16,399 I suppose patients should be mentally fit. Oh, no, I meant physically fit. 68 00:04:16,399 --> 00:04:17,920 have to be able to run a four -minute mile. 69 00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:26,510 Eliza's other proposed requirements include having to read literature about 70 00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:30,970 it's like at 900 months and looking at an artist's rendering of what happens to 71 00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:33,010 people after they end their lives. 72 00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:37,530 Most worryingly, a bill has gone to committee that would require all 73 00:04:37,530 --> 00:04:41,410 death candidates receive a transvaginal ultrasound regardless of sex. 74 00:04:41,690 --> 00:04:45,550 We just want Canadians to know how important it is that euthanasia be 75 00:04:45,550 --> 00:04:49,170 in a hospital with doorways that are exactly 7 feet 2 inches tall. 76 00:04:49,470 --> 00:04:52,290 How does somebody wanting to die affect you? 77 00:04:52,530 --> 00:04:54,030 What right are you defending? 78 00:04:54,270 --> 00:04:57,950 The most important right of all. The right of every social conservative. To 79 00:04:57,950 --> 00:05:00,010 people what they can or cannot do with their bodies. 80 00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:07,530 Eliza still has a long way to go before achieving her right -wing utopia. But 81 00:05:07,530 --> 00:05:10,630 many are concerned that if she keeps chipping away at right -to -die 82 00:05:10,630 --> 00:05:15,290 legislation, the terminally ill will be forced to turn to the black market for 83 00:05:15,290 --> 00:05:16,550 back -alley suicide. 84 00:05:17,390 --> 00:05:19,770 For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alpha. 85 00:05:20,730 --> 00:05:24,210 Thanks, Aisha. One of the hottest and most baffling trends out there has 86 00:05:24,210 --> 00:05:28,450 teenagers broadcasting themselves on social media eating individual packets 87 00:05:28,450 --> 00:05:30,150 Tide laundry detergent. 88 00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:33,830 It's called the Tide Pod Challenge, and it's just about the dumbest. 89 00:05:34,730 --> 00:05:38,730 Joining us to discuss is Denise Janstone, head of the crisis management 90 00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:40,390 handling the situation. Hi, Denise. 91 00:05:40,610 --> 00:05:43,650 Thanks for having me. It's been a tough couple weeks. 92 00:05:44,190 --> 00:05:47,890 Denise, let's cut to the chase. Why are you telling people to eat laundry pods? 93 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:52,920 Okay, we are absolutely not doing that. I want to make that clear. Do not, under 94 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,900 any circumstances, eat detergent. 95 00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:58,360 Please. Still, your client must be pretty happy about all the free 96 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:04,480 No, that's... Don't... Look, since this thing started, we've been very clear 97 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:09,520 that these detergent packages are harmful if ingested. It says so right on 98 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,640 package for crying out loud. 99 00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:14,340 That covers the legal responsibility, but what about the moral one? 100 00:06:15,050 --> 00:06:18,830 I'm sorry, the moral responsibility for stopping people from eating poison 101 00:06:18,830 --> 00:06:20,630 that's clearly labeled as poison? 102 00:06:21,850 --> 00:06:22,850 Yes. 103 00:06:23,230 --> 00:06:27,290 So Denise, if I'm hearing you, you're suggesting that people should not eat 104 00:06:27,290 --> 00:06:31,690 these Tide Pods or wash their clothes in them. No, you can wash your clothes in 105 00:06:31,690 --> 00:06:35,690 them. So people should wash their clothes in poison? It's not poison for 106 00:06:35,690 --> 00:06:39,540 clothes. Denise, on some level, do you think this whole Tide Pod challenge is 107 00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:42,800 just the newest expression of typical teen angst? Well, there have to be 108 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:43,960 ways of expressing yourself. 109 00:06:44,540 --> 00:06:48,480 Like starting a ska band. Okay, no, I'd never... Well, let's not get crazy here. 110 00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:49,700 We just want this to stop. 111 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,460 Well, in fairness, Denise, it is a bit confusing. I was in a bakery the other 112 00:06:53,460 --> 00:06:56,940 day, and I saw a donut that looked exactly like one of these laundry pods. 113 00:06:56,940 --> 00:06:57,940 borrow that look? 114 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:02,060 They're the ones doing the borrowing. Are they? Oh, so it's more of a brand 115 00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:03,080 integration thing. No! 116 00:07:04,270 --> 00:07:08,710 Look, just don't eat the detergent. It's that simple. Full stop, full stop. 117 00:07:10,010 --> 00:07:13,770 I'm sorry for yelling. It's just, I'm so tired. 118 00:07:14,290 --> 00:07:17,730 Denise, if there was one thing you could say to someone who was thinking of 119 00:07:17,730 --> 00:07:19,770 taking the Tide Pod Challenge, what would it be? 120 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:21,250 I'd say, why? 121 00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:25,650 But why climb a mountain? Why go to the moon? We don't do these things because 122 00:07:25,650 --> 00:07:27,370 they're easy. We do them because they're hard. 123 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:35,720 Look, I know you think it's cool and fun to eat clothing soap, but there's 124 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,820 nothing cool and fun about esophageal burns and holes in your stomach. 125 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,440 But since common sense won't dissuade you, you've left me with no choice. 126 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:46,880 What? 127 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,680 You're going to see this. You're going to see this. 128 00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:51,900 We understand. No, we don't need that. 129 00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:53,860 We return. 130 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:58,600 We look at how teens are moving on to the next viral trend, the exhaust pipe 131 00:07:58,600 --> 00:07:59,600 challenge. 132 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:22,200 Coming up later, Calgary's replacement of road salt with beet juice is leaving 133 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:25,380 their streets ice -free and their rivers biblically terrifying. 134 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:30,900 As allegations of tax evasion surface, Loblaws offers to repay the government 135 00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,580 $25 bread gift cards. 136 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:38,120 And Air Canada cuts costs by replacing its in -flight films with in -flight 137 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,120 community theater. 138 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:45,080 To the Montreal NAFTA negotiations now, where the liberal bargaining team showed 139 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:49,060 up after their week at Davos on Saturday with what economists are forecasting 140 00:08:49,060 --> 00:08:52,040 might have been the hangover of the goddamn century. 141 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:57,760 Meeting every January, the forum is a week of policy, diplomacy, and economics 142 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:58,760 -fueled ragers. 143 00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:03,480 And as a country wooing investment, it was Canada's job to try and beat the 144 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:07,180 Davos keg stand record set in 2011 by Silvio Berlusconi. 145 00:09:08,170 --> 00:09:11,950 Since arriving back in Montreal, Canada's negotiators collectively 146 00:09:11,950 --> 00:09:16,390 dozens of Bloody Marys, hundreds of Advils, pushed for reduced softwood 147 00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:20,150 tariffs, and dummied a buffet table of hash browns so greasy that the 148 00:09:20,150 --> 00:09:22,670 conversation immediately switched to the oil sands. 149 00:09:23,770 --> 00:09:28,250 Canada has agreed to the Trans -Pacific Partnership, a controversial 11 -nation 150 00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:32,650 trade deal that will finally give Canadians access to Japan's eel 151 00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,630 and pillows shaped like women's thighs. 152 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:40,520 A deal of this size and scope raises many questions. Will Canada be party to 153 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:44,540 human rights abuses in Malaysia and Brunei? Can multinational corporations 154 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:48,660 us over our environmental laws? Do those things even matter if we can finally 155 00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:51,360 buy loaves of watermelon bread and whatever this is? 156 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,360 The deal, of course, was an important win for Trudeau. With the future of 157 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:01,760 uncertain, Canada now has a safety agreement, making the TPP the Brock 158 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:02,940 University of Trade deal. 159 00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:10,390 Science has yet to conquer man's need to drink water, but soon we may have no 160 00:10:10,390 --> 00:10:14,930 choice. With the residents of Cape Town, South Africa quickly running out of 161 00:10:14,930 --> 00:10:17,330 water, could Canadians soon be forced to care? 162 00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:21,970 Live with us via satellite is our foreign correspondent, Marilla Weck. 163 00:10:22,210 --> 00:10:26,470 Thanks, Emma. I'm here in Cape Town where residents are currently counting 164 00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:31,730 to day zero, the very cool -sounding but actually terrifying day when the city 165 00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:32,830 will run out of water. 166 00:10:33,650 --> 00:10:38,330 Experts predict the taps will run dry on April the 12th and on May the 12th for 167 00:10:38,330 --> 00:10:39,330 white residents. 168 00:10:40,690 --> 00:10:46,090 And Marilla, do they have any plans for after that? No, but there are plans to 169 00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:47,090 make plans. 170 00:10:47,330 --> 00:10:51,810 South African lawmakers are exploring their time -tested strategies of 171 00:10:51,810 --> 00:10:55,710 pretending nothing is wrong or alternatively putting all of the water 172 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,120 Now, what exactly caused this water shortage? 173 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:03,560 A combination of record low rainfalls and Cape Town's affluent white suburbs' 174 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,820 insistence on a water slide -based transit system. 175 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,920 Marilla, how did nobody see this humanitarian crisis coming? Excellent 176 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:16,240 Miguel. It's hard to imagine South Africa being willfully ignorant towards 177 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,540 something the rest of the world can clearly see as inhumane. 178 00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:25,150 South Africa considered using seawater for desalination, a word that I just 179 00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:26,430 learned now through my earpiece. 180 00:11:26,690 --> 00:11:31,450 Desalination is being implemented, though high costs and raw sewage runoff 181 00:11:31,450 --> 00:11:33,170 it in many ways a shitty plan. 182 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,640 Luckily, I'm barred from most transcontinental flights. Besides, 183 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,920 plenty of water, right? Well, all across Canada, water is being protected and 184 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,460 conserved for future generations. 185 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,760 Unfortunately, this is being done by the Nestle Corporation, and they're going 186 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:53,460 to sell it back to us for $20 a bottle. So to answer your question, no. 187 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,140 Should have seen that one coming. 188 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,840 Marilla Wex in Cape Town. 189 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:04,380 When we return, United Airlines saves 170 ,000 gallons of fuel by using 190 00:12:04,380 --> 00:12:07,800 paper in magazines and forcibly removing its heaviest passengers. 191 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,140 I don't read magazines. I don't read. 192 00:12:11,340 --> 00:12:12,340 Bye. 193 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,260 Coming up later. 194 00:12:27,610 --> 00:12:31,810 NAFTA talks get heated as the U .S. now demands both a wall and a roof over 195 00:12:31,810 --> 00:12:32,810 Mexico. 196 00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:37,670 Outrageous daycare fees are forcing women out of the workforce and into the 197 00:12:37,670 --> 00:12:39,430 lucrative field of owning a daycare. 198 00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:44,090 And British Prime Minister Theresa May appointed a Minister of Loneliness who 199 00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:46,930 pledged to boost loneliness by 30 % within five years. 200 00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:52,990 Vancouver was recently named the third most unaffordable city in the world. But 201 00:12:52,990 --> 00:12:55,190 young people living there have found a new way to adapt. 202 00:12:55,430 --> 00:12:57,430 Never think about it and then someday die. 203 00:12:58,890 --> 00:13:02,290 According to one renter, not acknowledging that life could be 204 00:13:02,290 --> 00:13:06,210 than paying $1 ,800 a month for a basement apartment is pretty crucial for 205 00:13:06,210 --> 00:13:07,690 getting through a dark Vancouver day. 206 00:13:08,030 --> 00:13:11,230 That and waiting for the inevitable tsunami of Fukushima radiation. 207 00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:15,980 However, when told that they could avoid poverty and death just by moving to 208 00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:19,780 Kelowna, most young Vancouverites responded, I'll take the tsunami, 209 00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:25,520 The Toronto Public Library has introduced its own streaming service, 210 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:29,860 that a municipal agency is getting into it, is this finally the end of Netflix? 211 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:34,750 The library's new service hopes to captivate the public by offering 212 00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:37,230 movies, even though the book is definitely better. 213 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:42,590 And in order to compete with the streaming giant, they are introducing 214 00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:49,530 slate of original programming, such as House of Library Cards, Orange is the 215 00:13:49,530 --> 00:13:55,710 Bibliography, Silent Things, and 13 Reasons Why You Should Return Your 216 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:56,750 Books on Time. 217 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:04,500 Dear Loud People, Fuller Shelves, The Marvelous Mrs. Microfiche, Librarians 218 00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:11,380 Cars Being Quiet, Lacey Dynamite, The Unbookable Kimmy Sh, and 219 00:14:11,380 --> 00:14:14,740 the award -winning 10 -part true crime series Making a Murmurer. 220 00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:22,810 The library and chill program is anticipated to have an added benefit of 221 00:14:22,810 --> 00:14:27,430 people to have sex in the comfort of their own home instead of the non 222 00:14:27,430 --> 00:14:28,430 section. 223 00:14:29,510 --> 00:14:34,290 Nova Scotian PC leader Jamie Bailey's allegations of inappropriate behavior 224 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,590 quickly overshadowed by the Patrick Brown scandal. 225 00:14:36,930 --> 00:14:40,690 Critics call this yet another example of how maritime scandals face fewer 226 00:14:40,690 --> 00:14:42,470 opportunities than scandals in Ontario. 227 00:14:43,790 --> 00:14:47,710 Said one East Coast political commentator, too many Maritimers feel 228 00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:51,470 relocate west to make a name for themselves as a creep or even a dirtbag. 229 00:14:52,470 --> 00:14:56,470 Many Atlantic Canadians dream of rebuilding a province where national 230 00:14:56,470 --> 00:14:59,170 still be made by traditional Nova Scotian pervs. 231 00:15:00,390 --> 00:15:04,590 According to experts, eating is the best way to get food into your body. 232 00:15:06,570 --> 00:15:10,690 But despite all the health benefits of not starving to death, Canada's school 233 00:15:10,690 --> 00:15:12,430 lunch programs are lagging behind. 234 00:15:12,710 --> 00:15:15,190 We sent celebrity chef Eddie Zhang to find out more. 235 00:15:15,410 --> 00:15:19,410 We gotta get this going right now, all right? Hey, yo, I'm Eddie Zhang. 236 00:15:19,610 --> 00:15:23,250 Eddie! Head chef and owner of the restaurant Dim Sum's Gotta Give. 237 00:15:26,810 --> 00:15:30,490 Recently, I've been thinking there must be more to life than deep -frying rare 238 00:15:30,490 --> 00:15:32,470 birds and being a dope -ass chef. 239 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:36,790 That's why, when I heard about the terrible lunch programs at our nation's 240 00:15:36,790 --> 00:15:40,970 schools, I decided to bring the food of the street into the school hallways, 241 00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:45,950 which, if you think about it, are just tiny streets for small children. 242 00:15:47,690 --> 00:15:52,130 I brought in Val Correa from the Ministry of Intergovernmental Affairs 243 00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:57,680 to try out my crisp menu. We got freshwater shrimp dumplings, Wagyu beef 244 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:01,080 ribs and Hong Kong -style coleslaw. 245 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,160 All for under $70 per day per kid. 246 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,660 Fresh and healthy food is so important for developing minds. Yeah. 247 00:16:09,020 --> 00:16:10,660 But we can't afford any of this. 248 00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:12,680 Yo, for real? 249 00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:14,880 Not even the Buffalo -style parent wing? 250 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:21,280 No. My homegirl Val told me that Canada is the only G8 country without a school 251 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:25,900 lunch program, which is why schools outsource cafeterias to private 252 00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:31,100 serving unhealthy foods like pizza and disgraceful non -parent chicken wings. 253 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:36,080 All right, explain to me why a school lunch program is worse than one in 254 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,140 a country whose public education is basically learning how to do hate 255 00:16:40,380 --> 00:16:44,320 In Canada, we expect the children to go home for lunch and have their parents 256 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:45,179 cook for them. 257 00:16:45,180 --> 00:16:48,740 Yeah, seems like a reasonable expectation to have in this day and age. 258 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:53,140 sure, over the past 30 years, the needs of double -income families and single 259 00:16:53,140 --> 00:16:56,800 parents, yeah, they've changed, but policy can't catch up the societal 260 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,840 that quickly. Yeah, I feel you, fam. 261 00:16:59,180 --> 00:17:02,440 That's why my restaurant has many health code violations. 262 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:07,069 So the government is offering tax breaks on whatever kids buy at the corner 263 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:11,609 store. Yeah, just remind your six -year -old to save receipts. Yo, that's tight. 264 00:17:11,810 --> 00:17:14,210 You do not want to mess with the CRA. 265 00:17:14,690 --> 00:17:18,490 As thrilled as I was that my kids were getting rebates on Arizona iced tea and 266 00:17:18,490 --> 00:17:21,069 packs of smokes, something still needed to be done. 267 00:17:21,819 --> 00:17:26,200 That's why Val let me start a pilot national gruel lunch program. It's 268 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:31,000 lunchtime! To feed our country's children for less than three sets of 269 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:35,900 of a twist, motherfuckers! Honestly, feeding kids piramache paste is not a 270 00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:36,960 satisfactory solution. 271 00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:40,980 This is probably a problem that all three levels of government should be 272 00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:42,540 with, and not a TV chef. 273 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,480 This is the Beaverton, and I'm your boy, Zang. 274 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:51,660 Thanks, Eddie. When we return, Kobe Bryant rejects his Oscar nomination over 275 00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,920 concerns that will remind people of his sexual assault case. 276 00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:59,660 You know, I don't like basketball, and I really like basketball. 277 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,080 Welcome back. 278 00:18:15,850 --> 00:18:19,150 To international news, the Prime Minister of New Zealand is pregnant. 279 00:18:19,490 --> 00:18:20,970 Wait, a man is pregnant? 280 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:22,850 No. 281 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:28,410 Anyway, this has left the world uncertain whether they'll have to shame 282 00:18:28,410 --> 00:18:30,970 taking mat leave or for not taking mat leave. 283 00:18:31,890 --> 00:18:35,790 According to childless maternity experts the world over, Prime Minister Jacinda 284 00:18:35,790 --> 00:18:39,730 Ardern is taking her responsibilities as a mother either too seriously, not 285 00:18:39,730 --> 00:18:42,350 seriously enough, or somehow both at the same time. 286 00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:47,120 Said one internet poster, if Jacinda truly cared, she wouldn't have kids in 287 00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,920 office or a country while pregnant. She should either freeze her eggs until 288 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:54,320 she's done her term or freeze New Zealand until her children grow up. 289 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,060 You don't get to have it all. 290 00:18:57,780 --> 00:19:01,780 Last week, the doomsday clock was unexpectedly set to two minutes before 291 00:19:01,780 --> 00:19:05,560 midnight. This means that nuclear scientists believe we're closer than 292 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:06,560 annihilation. 293 00:19:06,890 --> 00:19:12,030 It was a terrifying reminder of how fragile humanity is, that we can be 294 00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:15,170 out at any moment by something as simple as an atomic bomb. 295 00:19:15,430 --> 00:19:19,570 It's also the subject of tonight's emergency Beefeat segment, three ways to 296 00:19:19,570 --> 00:19:20,730 laid during the apocalypse. 297 00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:24,330 Why did I think this segment would ever be helpful? 298 00:19:24,590 --> 00:19:28,530 Sure, some nerds will waste their last 15 minutes calling their parents or a 299 00:19:28,530 --> 00:19:32,790 spouse, but I know most of us will be looking to snag one last good bone 300 00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:33,790 turning to ash. 301 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,200 Which brings us to number three, keep it casual. 302 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:43,040 I know the end of the world seems like a big deal, but remember, this is just 303 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:44,040 going to be a fling. 304 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,500 Okay, as much as I want to keep out of this, I have to ask, won't most people 305 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:48,860 in a state of pure panic? 306 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:50,100 Yeah, that's why it's so hot. 307 00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:57,020 There's no greater aphrodisiac than mortal terror. But remember, desperation 308 00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:59,700 never sexy, even during Armageddon. Okay, your turn. 309 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,040 Do I have to? 310 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,240 Yeah, you get to. 311 00:20:04,419 --> 00:20:08,160 No matter how much you want to, don't be picky. It's not that kind of judgment 312 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,160 day. 313 00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:14,720 This is a new low, even for this segment. What if the world doesn't end? 314 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,260 recording of this piece will still be out there. 315 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,040 Oh, please, Miguel. Everybody knows we're on the brink. And last, but 316 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,280 not least, number one. 317 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:25,140 Attract a mate by turning your bomb shelter into a premium fuck palace. 318 00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:26,420 Oh, my God! 319 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,580 Don't worry about waking up neighbors. They're probably dead. 320 00:20:31,820 --> 00:20:34,980 What were you trying to accomplish with this piece? Miguel, we can report on 321 00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:38,800 global conflict as much as you want. But reality check, during a nuclear attack, 322 00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:42,520 the only thing we control is if we die like cowards or go down swinging. And I 323 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:43,520 mean swinging. 324 00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:46,400 I feel like I'm going to be sick. 325 00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:47,700 Don't be disgusting. 326 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,360 Well, that's the end of our show. 327 00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:54,980 But join us next week for the thrilling season finale of The News. 328 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,600 No one's going to have stuff to do regardless of whether or not they're 329 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:03,860 to. Oh, I will not be having stuff. 330 00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:07,620 Here's what I think you should do. Get a bucket of Purell. Right. 331 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,820 And do your whole thing. A lot of Purell. Don't worry about that. Yeah, 332 00:21:10,820 --> 00:21:12,740 full Purell. You know, I have Canada's largest. 333 00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:15,140 Yeah, 334 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,280 I can see. 335 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,120 Yeah. 336 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,520 None of the flavor ones. I feel like they stink. 337 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:22,780 They don't look like they smell. 338 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,180 What version is that, Neil? 339 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,120 This is the funniest of any. 340 00:21:30,070 --> 00:21:31,270 We're going to pick up the phone. 33053

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