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Tonight on the Beaverton, Trump's feud
with Jay -Z has Americans nostalgic for
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when people used to die in feuds with
hip -hop artists.
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The biggest ever digital currency heist
causes a global shortage of ones and
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00:00:20,930 --> 00:00:25,990
zeros. And Ticketmaster is being sued
for secret hidden fees, but somehow not
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for charging $400 to see Def Leppard.
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00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,520
Welcome to the Beaverton, the show
that's currently on between
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00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:43,780
commercials. I'm your host, Miguel
Rivas. And I'm Pfizer drug rep, Emma
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00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,060
The response to last night's State of
the Union has been largely positive.
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many Americans impressed, the president
managed to get through a whole hour
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without declaring war, bragging about
sex, or even once saying the N -word.
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House Republicans were quick to claim
the speech as Trump's most presidential
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yet, for featuring numerous big boy
words delivered in an indoor voice.
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And for never calling an entire
country's population rapist.
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Even Trump's sharpest critics were
forced to concede the speech was a high
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watermark, said one congressional
Democrat.
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We remain opposed to the president's tax
cuts, but he didn't call attention to
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anyone's rack, deny the existence of
Ecuador, or say that all Japanese people
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are ghosts.
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So I guess we'll give him the win.
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Patrick Brown's resignation over
allegations of sexual misconduct has the
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nation's 50 -somethings asking, why
should a man running for public office
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subject to the court of public opinion?
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Many of your parents' friends are quick
to point out it's completely unfair to
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force a candidate to resign just because
they did something unpopular. If we
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listen to women, we might miss out on
the next Roy Moore, Al Franken, or even
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Anthony Weiner.
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According to one uncomfortable
conversation with your supervisor's
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partner, we shouldn't judge politicians
just because they're running for office.
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Why can't we elect people solely on
their policies, rather than having to
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consider the horrible things that they
may have done?
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Unfortunately, the collapse of the PC
party has left no viable option for
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Ontarians, who both believe women and
hate the poor.
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Of course, after the resignations of
Brown and party president Rick Dykstra,
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progressive conservatives are pledging
to work almost as hard at reforming
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party culture as they previously were at
covering up their party culture.
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Having ignored the concerning rumors
about the man they were trying to make
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Ontario's premier while being led by an
alleged sexual assaulter, party brass
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say they now realize that's kind of a
thing that's a bit frowned upon.
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According to one, we're ready to believe
the women political pressure forces us
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to believe. From now on, we will only
choose candidates and leaders with no
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skeletons in their closet. Like Doug
Ford.
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But the reckoning wasn't limited to just
Ontario.
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With Ken Hare ousted, Justin Trudeau has
made good on his policy of zero
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tolerance for sexual harassment.
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Related negative press.
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The PMO also expressed regret for not
having acted sooner, since there had
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rumblings for years that Kent Hare was a
troubling PR liability.
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According to a statement from the Prime
Minister's office, as a publicly avowed
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feminist, Justin will not countenance
behavior that in any way threatens,
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harasses, or assaults that reputation.
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Fortunately, the news isn't all grim. Up
next, death.
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It's still the only way to collect your
great -uncle's inheritance.
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But what happens when conservatives try
to take away the right to die from Uncle
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Fritz? We sent Aisha Alpha to find out
more.
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Even with social conservative Andrew
Scheer at the helm of the official
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opposition, Canada's right wing has so
far failed to make any ground against
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right -to -die legislation.
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But here in Saskatchewan, conservative
activists are trying a new approach to
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undermine the legislation by using
tactics they've honed over years of anti
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-abortion campaigns.
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We can't stop people from ending their
lives. Instead, we just want to create a
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few teeny legislative hoops that
terminally ill patients have to jump
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they can prove they want death bad
enough.
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Aren't these patients usually in
hospice?
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How much do you expect them to go
through for a dignified death?
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We just want to make sure patients are
fit to make the decision.
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I suppose patients should be mentally
fit. Oh, no, I meant physically fit.
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have to be able to run a four -minute
mile.
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Eliza's other proposed requirements
include having to read literature about
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it's like at 900 months and looking at
an artist's rendering of what happens to
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people after they end their lives.
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Most worryingly, a bill has gone to
committee that would require all
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death candidates receive a transvaginal
ultrasound regardless of sex.
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We just want Canadians to know how
important it is that euthanasia be
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in a hospital with doorways that are
exactly 7 feet 2 inches tall.
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How does somebody wanting to die affect
you?
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What right are you defending?
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The most important right of all. The
right of every social conservative. To
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people what they can or cannot do with
their bodies.
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Eliza still has a long way to go before
achieving her right -wing utopia. But
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many are concerned that if she keeps
chipping away at right -to -die
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legislation, the terminally ill will be
forced to turn to the black market for
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back -alley suicide.
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For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alpha.
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Thanks, Aisha. One of the hottest and
most baffling trends out there has
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teenagers broadcasting themselves on
social media eating individual packets
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Tide laundry detergent.
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It's called the Tide Pod Challenge, and
it's just about the dumbest.
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Joining us to discuss is Denise
Janstone, head of the crisis management
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handling the situation. Hi, Denise.
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Thanks for having me. It's been a tough
couple weeks.
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Denise, let's cut to the chase. Why are
you telling people to eat laundry pods?
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Okay, we are absolutely not doing that.
I want to make that clear. Do not, under
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any circumstances, eat detergent.
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Please. Still, your client must be
pretty happy about all the free
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No, that's... Don't... Look, since this
thing started, we've been very clear
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that these detergent packages are
harmful if ingested. It says so right on
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package for crying out loud.
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That covers the legal responsibility,
but what about the moral one?
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I'm sorry, the moral responsibility for
stopping people from eating poison
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that's clearly labeled as poison?
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Yes.
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So Denise, if I'm hearing you, you're
suggesting that people should not eat
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these Tide Pods or wash their clothes in
them. No, you can wash your clothes in
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them. So people should wash their
clothes in poison? It's not poison for
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clothes. Denise, on some level, do you
think this whole Tide Pod challenge is
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just the newest expression of typical
teen angst? Well, there have to be
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ways of expressing yourself.
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Like starting a ska band. Okay, no, I'd
never... Well, let's not get crazy here.
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We just want this to stop.
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Well, in fairness, Denise, it is a bit
confusing. I was in a bakery the other
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day, and I saw a donut that looked
exactly like one of these laundry pods.
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borrow that look?
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They're the ones doing the borrowing.
Are they? Oh, so it's more of a brand
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integration thing. No!
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Look, just don't eat the detergent. It's
that simple. Full stop, full stop.
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I'm sorry for yelling. It's just, I'm so
tired.
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Denise, if there was one thing you could
say to someone who was thinking of
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taking the Tide Pod Challenge, what
would it be?
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I'd say, why?
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But why climb a mountain? Why go to the
moon? We don't do these things because
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they're easy. We do them because they're
hard.
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Look, I know you think it's cool and fun
to eat clothing soap, but there's
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nothing cool and fun about esophageal
burns and holes in your stomach.
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But since common sense won't dissuade
you, you've left me with no choice.
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What?
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You're going to see this. You're going
to see this.
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We understand. No, we don't need that.
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We return.
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We look at how teens are moving on to
the next viral trend, the exhaust pipe
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challenge.
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Coming up later, Calgary's replacement
of road salt with beet juice is leaving
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their streets ice -free and their rivers
biblically terrifying.
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As allegations of tax evasion surface,
Loblaws offers to repay the government
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$25 bread gift cards.
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And Air Canada cuts costs by replacing
its in -flight films with in -flight
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community theater.
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To the Montreal NAFTA negotiations now,
where the liberal bargaining team showed
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up after their week at Davos on Saturday
with what economists are forecasting
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might have been the hangover of the
goddamn century.
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Meeting every January, the forum is a
week of policy, diplomacy, and economics
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-fueled ragers.
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And as a country wooing investment, it
was Canada's job to try and beat the
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Davos keg stand record set in 2011 by
Silvio Berlusconi.
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Since arriving back in Montreal,
Canada's negotiators collectively
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dozens of Bloody Marys, hundreds of
Advils, pushed for reduced softwood
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tariffs, and dummied a buffet table of
hash browns so greasy that the
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conversation immediately switched to the
oil sands.
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Canada has agreed to the Trans -Pacific
Partnership, a controversial 11 -nation
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trade deal that will finally give
Canadians access to Japan's eel
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and pillows shaped like women's thighs.
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A deal of this size and scope raises
many questions. Will Canada be party to
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human rights abuses in Malaysia and
Brunei? Can multinational corporations
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us over our environmental laws? Do those
things even matter if we can finally
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buy loaves of watermelon bread and
whatever this is?
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The deal, of course, was an important
win for Trudeau. With the future of
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uncertain, Canada now has a safety
agreement, making the TPP the Brock
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University of Trade deal.
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00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:10,390
Science has yet to conquer man's need to
drink water, but soon we may have no
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choice. With the residents of Cape Town,
South Africa quickly running out of
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water, could Canadians soon be forced to
care?
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Live with us via satellite is our
foreign correspondent, Marilla Weck.
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Thanks, Emma. I'm here in Cape Town
where residents are currently counting
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to day zero, the very cool -sounding but
actually terrifying day when the city
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will run out of water.
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Experts predict the taps will run dry on
April the 12th and on May the 12th for
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white residents.
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And Marilla, do they have any plans for
after that? No, but there are plans to
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make plans.
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South African lawmakers are exploring
their time -tested strategies of
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pretending nothing is wrong or
alternatively putting all of the water
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Now, what exactly caused this water
shortage?
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A combination of record low rainfalls
and Cape Town's affluent white suburbs'
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insistence on a water slide -based
transit system.
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Marilla, how did nobody see this
humanitarian crisis coming? Excellent
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Miguel. It's hard to imagine South
Africa being willfully ignorant towards
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something the rest of the world can
clearly see as inhumane.
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South Africa considered using seawater
for desalination, a word that I just
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learned now through my earpiece.
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Desalination is being implemented,
though high costs and raw sewage runoff
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it in many ways a shitty plan.
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Luckily, I'm barred from most
transcontinental flights. Besides,
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plenty of water, right? Well, all across
Canada, water is being protected and
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conserved for future generations.
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Unfortunately, this is being done by the
Nestle Corporation, and they're going
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00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:53,460
to sell it back to us for $20 a bottle.
So to answer your question, no.
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Should have seen that one coming.
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Marilla Wex in Cape Town.
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When we return, United Airlines saves
170 ,000 gallons of fuel by using
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paper in magazines and forcibly removing
its heaviest passengers.
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I don't read magazines. I don't read.
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Bye.
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00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,260
Coming up later.
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NAFTA talks get heated as the U .S. now
demands both a wall and a roof over
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Mexico.
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Outrageous daycare fees are forcing
women out of the workforce and into the
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lucrative field of owning a daycare.
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00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:44,090
And British Prime Minister Theresa May
appointed a Minister of Loneliness who
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pledged to boost loneliness by 30 %
within five years.
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00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:52,990
Vancouver was recently named the third
most unaffordable city in the world. But
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young people living there have found a
new way to adapt.
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Never think about it and then someday
die.
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00:12:58,890 --> 00:13:02,290
According to one renter, not
acknowledging that life could be
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00:13:02,290 --> 00:13:06,210
than paying $1 ,800 a month for a
basement apartment is pretty crucial for
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00:13:06,210 --> 00:13:07,690
getting through a dark Vancouver day.
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00:13:08,030 --> 00:13:11,230
That and waiting for the inevitable
tsunami of Fukushima radiation.
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However, when told that they could avoid
poverty and death just by moving to
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00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:19,780
Kelowna, most young Vancouverites
responded, I'll take the tsunami,
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00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:25,520
The Toronto Public Library has
introduced its own streaming service,
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00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:29,860
that a municipal agency is getting into
it, is this finally the end of Netflix?
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00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:34,750
The library's new service hopes to
captivate the public by offering
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00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:37,230
movies, even though the book is
definitely better.
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00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:42,590
And in order to compete with the
streaming giant, they are introducing
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00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:49,530
slate of original programming, such as
House of Library Cards, Orange is the
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00:13:49,530 --> 00:13:55,710
Bibliography, Silent Things, and 13
Reasons Why You Should Return Your
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00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:56,750
Books on Time.
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00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:04,500
Dear Loud People, Fuller Shelves, The
Marvelous Mrs. Microfiche, Librarians
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00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:11,380
Cars Being Quiet, Lacey Dynamite, The
Unbookable Kimmy Sh, and
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00:14:11,380 --> 00:14:14,740
the award -winning 10 -part true crime
series Making a Murmurer.
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The library and chill program is
anticipated to have an added benefit of
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00:14:22,810 --> 00:14:27,430
people to have sex in the comfort of
their own home instead of the non
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section.
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Nova Scotian PC leader Jamie Bailey's
allegations of inappropriate behavior
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quickly overshadowed by the Patrick
Brown scandal.
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Critics call this yet another example of
how maritime scandals face fewer
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opportunities than scandals in Ontario.
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00:14:43,790 --> 00:14:47,710
Said one East Coast political
commentator, too many Maritimers feel
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relocate west to make a name for
themselves as a creep or even a dirtbag.
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00:14:52,470 --> 00:14:56,470
Many Atlantic Canadians dream of
rebuilding a province where national
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still be made by traditional Nova
Scotian pervs.
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According to experts, eating is the best
way to get food into your body.
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But despite all the health benefits of
not starving to death, Canada's school
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lunch programs are lagging behind.
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We sent celebrity chef Eddie Zhang to
find out more.
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We gotta get this going right now, all
right? Hey, yo, I'm Eddie Zhang.
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Eddie! Head chef and owner of the
restaurant Dim Sum's Gotta Give.
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Recently, I've been thinking there must
be more to life than deep -frying rare
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birds and being a dope -ass chef.
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00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:36,790
That's why, when I heard about the
terrible lunch programs at our nation's
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schools, I decided to bring the food of
the street into the school hallways,
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which, if you think about it, are just
tiny streets for small children.
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I brought in Val Correa from the
Ministry of Intergovernmental Affairs
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to try out my crisp menu. We got
freshwater shrimp dumplings, Wagyu beef
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ribs and Hong Kong -style coleslaw.
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All for under $70 per day per kid.
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Fresh and healthy food is so important
for developing minds. Yeah.
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But we can't afford any of this.
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Yo, for real?
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Not even the Buffalo -style parent wing?
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00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:21,280
No. My homegirl Val told me that Canada
is the only G8 country without a school
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lunch program, which is why schools
outsource cafeterias to private
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00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:31,100
serving unhealthy foods like pizza and
disgraceful non -parent chicken wings.
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All right, explain to me why a school
lunch program is worse than one in
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a country whose public education is
basically learning how to do hate
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In Canada, we expect the children to go
home for lunch and have their parents
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cook for them.
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00:16:45,180 --> 00:16:48,740
Yeah, seems like a reasonable
expectation to have in this day and age.
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sure, over the past 30 years, the needs
of double -income families and single
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00:16:53,140 --> 00:16:56,800
parents, yeah, they've changed, but
policy can't catch up the societal
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that quickly. Yeah, I feel you, fam.
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That's why my restaurant has many health
code violations.
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So the government is offering tax breaks
on whatever kids buy at the corner
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store. Yeah, just remind your six -year
-old to save receipts. Yo, that's tight.
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You do not want to mess with the CRA.
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As thrilled as I was that my kids were
getting rebates on Arizona iced tea and
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packs of smokes, something still needed
to be done.
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That's why Val let me start a pilot
national gruel lunch program. It's
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lunchtime! To feed our country's
children for less than three sets of
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of a twist, motherfuckers! Honestly,
feeding kids piramache paste is not a
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satisfactory solution.
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This is probably a problem that all
three levels of government should be
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with, and not a TV chef.
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This is the Beaverton, and I'm your boy,
Zang.
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Thanks, Eddie. When we return, Kobe
Bryant rejects his Oscar nomination over
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00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,920
concerns that will remind people of his
sexual assault case.
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00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:59,660
You know, I don't like basketball, and I
really like basketball.
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Welcome back.
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To international news, the Prime
Minister of New Zealand is pregnant.
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00:18:19,490 --> 00:18:20,970
Wait, a man is pregnant?
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00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:22,850
No.
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00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:28,410
Anyway, this has left the world
uncertain whether they'll have to shame
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00:18:28,410 --> 00:18:30,970
taking mat leave or for not taking mat
leave.
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00:18:31,890 --> 00:18:35,790
According to childless maternity experts
the world over, Prime Minister Jacinda
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00:18:35,790 --> 00:18:39,730
Ardern is taking her responsibilities as
a mother either too seriously, not
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00:18:39,730 --> 00:18:42,350
seriously enough, or somehow both at the
same time.
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00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:47,120
Said one internet poster, if Jacinda
truly cared, she wouldn't have kids in
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00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,920
office or a country while pregnant. She
should either freeze her eggs until
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00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:54,320
she's done her term or freeze New
Zealand until her children grow up.
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00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,060
You don't get to have it all.
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00:18:57,780 --> 00:19:01,780
Last week, the doomsday clock was
unexpectedly set to two minutes before
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00:19:01,780 --> 00:19:05,560
midnight. This means that nuclear
scientists believe we're closer than
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00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:06,560
annihilation.
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It was a terrifying reminder of how
fragile humanity is, that we can be
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00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:15,170
out at any moment by something as simple
as an atomic bomb.
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00:19:15,430 --> 00:19:19,570
It's also the subject of tonight's
emergency Beefeat segment, three ways to
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00:19:19,570 --> 00:19:20,730
laid during the apocalypse.
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00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:24,330
Why did I think this segment would ever
be helpful?
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00:19:24,590 --> 00:19:28,530
Sure, some nerds will waste their last
15 minutes calling their parents or a
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00:19:28,530 --> 00:19:32,790
spouse, but I know most of us will be
looking to snag one last good bone
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turning to ash.
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00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,200
Which brings us to number three, keep it
casual.
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I know the end of the world seems like a
big deal, but remember, this is just
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00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:44,040
going to be a fling.
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00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,500
Okay, as much as I want to keep out of
this, I have to ask, won't most people
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00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:48,860
in a state of pure panic?
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00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:50,100
Yeah, that's why it's so hot.
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00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:57,020
There's no greater aphrodisiac than
mortal terror. But remember, desperation
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00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:59,700
never sexy, even during Armageddon.
Okay, your turn.
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00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,040
Do I have to?
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00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,240
Yeah, you get to.
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00:20:04,419 --> 00:20:08,160
No matter how much you want to, don't be
picky. It's not that kind of judgment
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00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,160
day.
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00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:14,720
This is a new low, even for this
segment. What if the world doesn't end?
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00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,260
recording of this piece will still be
out there.
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00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,040
Oh, please, Miguel. Everybody knows
we're on the brink. And last, but
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00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,280
not least, number one.
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00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:25,140
Attract a mate by turning your bomb
shelter into a premium fuck palace.
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00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:26,420
Oh, my God!
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00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,580
Don't worry about waking up neighbors.
They're probably dead.
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00:20:31,820 --> 00:20:34,980
What were you trying to accomplish with
this piece? Miguel, we can report on
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00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:38,800
global conflict as much as you want. But
reality check, during a nuclear attack,
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00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:42,520
the only thing we control is if we die
like cowards or go down swinging. And I
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00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:43,520
mean swinging.
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00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:46,400
I feel like I'm going to be sick.
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00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:47,700
Don't be disgusting.
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00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,360
Well, that's the end of our show.
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00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:54,980
But join us next week for the thrilling
season finale of The News.
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00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,600
No one's going to have stuff to do
regardless of whether or not they're
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00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:03,860
to. Oh, I will not be having stuff.
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00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:07,620
Here's what I think you should do. Get a
bucket of Purell. Right.
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00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,820
And do your whole thing. A lot of
Purell. Don't worry about that. Yeah,
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00:21:10,820 --> 00:21:12,740
full Purell. You know, I have Canada's
largest.
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00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:15,140
Yeah,
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00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,280
I can see.
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00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,120
Yeah.
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00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,520
None of the flavor ones. I feel like
they stink.
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00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:22,780
They don't look like they smell.
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00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,180
What version is that, Neil?
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00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,120
This is the funniest of any.
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00:21:30,070 --> 00:21:31,270
We're going to pick up the phone.
33053
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