All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e10

Tonight on the Beaverton, Hawaiians
receive a terrifying emergency message

informing them that they must continue
being alive in 2018.

Media debate rages over whether we
should consider Aziz Ansari a monster or

a regular scumbag.

And after an oil tanker sinks in the
China Sea, conservatives hold a moment

silence for the tragic loss of fossil
fuels.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the only news
show currently being investigated for

doping. I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And
I'm reigning home run champ, Emma

Hunter.

We begin in Washington, where extending
controversial laws to spy on American

citizens would be dominating the
headlines, had Trump not called African

shitholes and then did donuts on the
White House lawn in a dump truck full of

tacos.

Trump's bizarre behavior continues to
overshadow his contentious policies.

A plan to expand offshore drilling was
barely covered after the president set a

toilet on fire and nominated it to the
judiciary.

Thousands of Salvadorans being deported
from the U .S. would have been the story

we led this show with. Had the commander
-in -chief not yelled fake news at a

bird for 90 minutes before holding an
executive meeting in an Arby's to

who owns the ocean?

Some critics blame the media for being
distracted by the flaming hate circus

that is this current administration.

But according to one journalist, I want
to keep important stories alive. But

then he throws paper towels at hurricane
victims and looks at the eclipse. What

do you want from me?

In a story that hasn't been proven but
just feels true in our bones, rumors are

flying that President Trump paid hush
money to an adult film star, Stormy

Daniels, in 2016.

Washington observers are hailing the
move, noting that having an affair then

hiding it from the public is actually
the most presidential thing Trump has

done.

On the eve of the one -year anniversary
of his inauguration, Trump's naysayers

are once and for all convinced this is
the day Trump finally became president.

The scandal is further notable in that
the hush money officially makes

Trump the last person in America still
paying for porn.

After multiple locations cut employee
benefits, Tim Horton's corporate office

says they are unable to intervene
because they don't control the

Other than what food they serve, what
napkins they use, what colors their

tiles are, how big the bathrooms are,
and how many sprinkles they put on each

donut.

Set a representative for Tim Horton.

Our hands are tied.

Franchisees have total discretion in
this area. But God help them if they

make their breakfast sandwiches taste
both burnt and cold at the same time.

The representative added that concerned
customers should try tipping employees.

So just by leaving the change from our
double -double, we can all help a

deprived Tim Hortons worker visit the
eye doctor or print off their resumes to

apply for a job at Starbucks.

Alberta is set to partially
decriminalize drunk driving in 2018.

Under Bill 29, police would be given
wide discretion over who can be

charged. Here to discuss is off -duty
Constable Doug Crane.

Thanks for having me.

Constable, why is the Albertan
government so dead set on giving the

reign to control drunk driving offenses?

Because of our long history of
displaying compassion, empathy, and

without bias.

Isn't it more about the government being
fed up with DUI trials clogging up the

system?

Yeah, man.

Probably a little bit.

In fairness, who wants to hear about
Dwayne blowing .02 over the limit when

could be judging a hot juicy murder
trial?

Yeah, Dwayne's a big guy.

You know, everyone handles their liquor
differently.

So if Bill 29 becomes law, people can
get away with drinking and driving as

as they don't kill someone?

No one's saying that. I can still
criminally charge them or suspend their

license.

Unless they're my bud.

Or a Bud's Bud.

Or an Oilers fan.

Or an Oil Sand fan.

Or my cousin Bruce. Now this guy, he can
put away about 15 beers and he's fine.

It's hard to drive the self home.

That is actually the definition of being
biased.

Listen.

There are two kinds of drunk drivers.

Dangerous ones, and you're probably fine
ones.

Right, and you determine this based on,
what, slurred speech and lack of

coordination?

I can just tell.

It's cops intuition.

It's like a database in my brain that
stores people I know and trust.

That's not intuition. That's just how
you recognize your friends.

Hey, my friends are good guys, all
right?

Constable, how many beers have you had?

Seven?

Teen?

You're not driving yourself home after
this, are you?

No, no, no, but I probably could.

I know what they say.

Whiskey before beer.

Highway clear.

Beer before whiskey.

Highway whiskey.

Yeah, she gets that.

I do say that. Okay, Doug, thank you for
your time. Please let someone else

drive you home.

Hey, don't worry. I honestly don't know
where my car is right now.

While touring the country, Prime
Minister Trudeau has been praised for

refusing to prescreen the town hall
questions he constantly sidesteps.

Unlike previous Prime Minister Stephen
Harper, who tightly controlled the

narrative surrounding his government,
Trudeau takes a looser, more personable

approach to tightly controlling the
narrative surrounding his government.

The PMO has even been planting people in
the crowd at each event to lob him

softball heckles that he can turn into
viral soundbites.

Said Trudeau, connecting to ordinary,
hard -working Canadians is why I became

Prime Minister.

Now, does that answer your question
about NAFTA negotiations?

Nature. It's what happens when humans
haven't had a chance to fix God's

But what happens when governments try to
protect it? Our own Aisha Alpha has

more.

With Canada taking a global leadership
role in the fight against climate

Justin Trudeau is proposing a new
initiative to reduce Canada's emissions.

forcing the RCMP to find greener ways to
beat pipeline protesters.

The international community has long
criticized Canada's police force as

outdated, violent, and climate
unfriendly. So to prove that the RCMP

cleaner world, top brass are looking
beyond non -biodegradable plastic

to reduce their carbon boot print.

The Mounties have pledged to derive all
their tear gas from locally sourced

chili peppers. They will also stop using
bottled water for their riot hoses by

2020. And they're making the long
-awaited switch to tasers charged via

franks. Trudeau says that if these
changes are implemented quickly, the

ecological impact will be enough to
offset the damage caused by the two

pipelines he's already approved.

For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alka.

Thanks, Aisha.

After the break, Health Canada has
issued a warning reminding Canadians not

eat those delicious, delicious laundry
pods.

I eat them.

I eat them constantly.

I like them. In the

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wide range of staffing options.

But only Rainbow Temp Agency gives you
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while you recruit a new client from
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Or how about a young black man for your
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Under fire for committing an atrocity in
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Coming up later.

The Olympic men's hockey team was
announced, and Canadian kids are already

dreaming of becoming the next what's
-his -name.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running for the U
.S. Senate on a platform of Somebody

Please Kick Me in the Dick.

And we'll meet the social justice
organization offering microfinance loans

the poor, the mafia.

It's untreated, unfiltered, expensive,
and all the rage.

Here to discuss is our own tech expert,
Dave Barkley.

Hey, guys.

As you know, Palo Alto insiders are
always looking for a creative edge. And

raw water, it looks like they've found
one, thanks to an innovative spirit and

never -say -why attitude.

How does drinking water that might
contain harmful contaminants give you a

creative edge? The anecdotal benefits of
drinking raw water are theoretically

endless.

Provided that you don't get typhoid. Oh,
not so fast.

Fevered hallucinations can really unlock
outside -the -box thinking.

Where do you think apps like Quimquap
and Skadong came from?

Yeah, Miguel, Typhoid Dreams are
basically the new Adderall.

I guess I just can't believe that in
2018 we're having a serious conversation

about buying and drinking untreated
water.

And you're really going to hate this.
Because there's a new product coming

the pipe that goes beyond raw water.

Heirloom water.

So what's the difference? Unlike raw
water, which is spring -fed, heirloom

has been sitting stagnant for at least
three decades.

Like from a swamp? Yeah, swamp, puddle,
bog, whatever.

And with a low retail price of $80 an
ounce, you can't afford not to sip the

viscosity.

I think I'd rather not.

More of a huffer?

Then you should try primordial air.

Wow, I don't even want to ask. Glad you
did.

Primordial air is a mix of volcanic
gases present in the atmosphere billions

years ago.

Argon, ammonia, and methane all in a
thick stew of carbon dioxide.

Sounds invigorating, but is it safe?

It's no worse than the toilet air we
breathe every day with its pollution and

birth control pills.

But aren't trends like these just a sign
that certain people have so much money

they no longer know how to spend it in a
way that doesn't seem insane?

Trust me, after a few puffs of
primordial air, the word insane will no

have any meaning.

Well, you certainly don't need a lung
full of toxins to see the wisdom in

Thanks, Dave. Thanks, guys.

A recent report suggests there's a
massive gender gap in who's buying

with men making up over 97 % of its
investors.

In a move to address this imbalance, a
new cryptocurrency has been established,

Lady Bitcoin.

In keeping with other products targeted
at a female demographic, Lady Bitcoin

will cost twice as much as regular
Bitcoin, though it will only be worth

Billing itself as a sleek, sexy new
investment opportunity that's equal

mother, lover, and modern gal on the go,
Lady Bitcoin hopes to capture the

imagination of the fairer sex with its
slogan, confusing enough for a man, but

made for a woman.

Some restaurants focus on giving you a
great meal. Others cover up the fact

their food is terrible by hoping their
server's uniforms give you a boner.

For more on the latter, here's Laura
Silovitz.

Upscale chain restaurants are famous for
being great places to do cocaine with

your boss.

But some people say they've also got a
sleazy side.

While the employee guide merely
encourages staff to dress stylishly, the

staff of these so -called restaurants
claim they're forced to wear

uniforms.

Posing as the subject of a documentary
on the restaurant industry, I decided to

investigate the truth of these
allegations by going undercover.

As a manager, specifically of Floodies,
a Toronto gastropub that's recently come

under fire for the supposed
discrepancies between its male and

My goal was to answer one question. Why
did restaurants enforce these dress

codes? I found the answer immediately.

They make a metric fuck -ton of money.

But apparently, that's not enough for
slutty's coterie of whiny divas. The

code is basically an invitation to be
objectified.

Yesterday, a customer was paying my
debit, and when I asked him to swipe his

card, he put it in my cleavage. How much
did he tip?

That's not relevant. It shouldn't have
happened. I'm a human being.

A human being with bills to pay.

I'm trying to think that you don't want
to work here. Okay, see, that is exactly

the kind of pressure I'm talking about.
I shouldn't have to worry about losing

my job if I refuse to degrade myself.
The only thing that should factor into

what I wear is how it affects my ability
to do my job.

Okay.

Then you tell me, what would you want to
wear?

Pants?

We tried it Julia's way, and though I
was worried she would look like a DJ

Tanner, to my pleasant surprise, she
looked more like a Stephanie, and it

profound impact on the business.

Just three weeks later, the restaurant
went under.

Without the distraction of scantily clad
women, restaurant goers were able to

focus on how truly terrible the menu
was.

Fortunately, there's still one consumer
demographic that has no problem paying

top dollar for an edible food. A pivot
into the family restaurant business

helped turn things around for Uncle
Slutty's. We even got to keep the

For the Beaverton, I'm Laura Silovitz.

Thanks, Laura. When we return, Kelsey
Manning is running for the U .S. Senate,

which would make her one of the few
senators who doesn't belong in prison.

None of them would go there.

That's true.

Coming up later, Ecuador extends
citizenship to Julian Assange in hopes

harboring a Russian stooge will make
Trump like them more.

The nation's contract killers demand the
same labor protections as full -time

assassins.

And an ethics investigation against Lynn
Bayak has discovered her worst crime, a

perm.

In the wake of the $100 million
anonymous donation they received last

Toronto's CAMH has announced they plan
to use over half the funds to track down

and unmask the anonymous donor.

The Centre for Addictions and Mental
Health has vowed to leave no stone

and has already retained the services of
a private detective, a pack of

bloodhounds, and a team of handwriting
analysts for the giant novelty check.

CAMH's board released the following
statement.

Whoever you are, know that we will find
you to say thanks.

There is no shadow you can lurk in where
the light of our gratitude will not

expose you. So enjoy your anonymity
while you can, for we are coming with

Ontario's government was quick to weigh
in, saying the centre can spend the

money however it deems fit, adding the
important thing is that rich people keep

giving money to mental health so the
government doesn't have to.

Plus, the program that expands drug
coverage for those 24 and under, is

concerns it will encourage youth to
develop a crippling dependency on life

-saving medication.

Opposition leader Patrick Brown warned
that. The first hit of insulin is free,

and then you're hooked.

Next thing, you're 26 years old and
hawking your TV just to keep the being

buzz going.

The new policy has forced many of the
province's over -agers to ask their cool

younger brothers to score them some
medicine.

But it's also leading to a crackdown of
teenagers hanging out in shoppers' drug

mart parking lots, selling
immunosuppressants and fake IDs to

Canada's health care system has been a
point of pride for the country ever

we found out we could use it to make
Americans angry.

But while most Canadians assume Medicare
will cover all important ailments,

there are notable gaps in coverage.

Here to discuss one glaring omission is
friend of the Beaverton, Courtney

Gilmore. Welcome, Courtney.

Thank you.

Glad to be here. Now, as I'm sure you
can probably tell by the sound of my

voice, I don't have any hands. Oh, I
wasn't going to say that. Or a right

Yeah, your voice really gives it away.

Like thousands of Canadians, I use
prosthetic limbs.

I actually don't use anything for my
hands because I can pretty much do

everything. That is, until I put
moisturizer on my arms and have to spend

minutes trying to open the front door.

But I do use a prosthetic leg. I've
heard that prosthetic legs can be very

expensive. Are we talking Fendi purse
expensive or like hunting an endangered

animal expensive?

More like hunting a human expensive.

Even the most basic prosthetic leg can
cost up to $20 ,000.

Yeah, but doesn't the provincial
government just pay for the fee?

Fun fact about that, no. If you don't
qualify for private insurance benefits

the war amps, you're pretty much on your
own. Maybe the provinces think

prosthetics aren't as vital as items
that they do cover, like vasectomies or

removing a bunion.

Maybe. And here in Ontario, we actually
do have the assistive devices program,

but they only cover a small percentage
of the overall cost.

So that's why I'm actually raising money
to buy myself the $100 ,000 Genium X3.

It's basically the Maserati of legs.

$100 ,000?

Does it have Wi -Fi or make lattes?
Nope, that's just how much it costs for

people without legs to do wild,
daredevil activities like riding a bike

walking on uneven ground.

So, sorry, does it make lattes?

No, it does not. Oh, well then that
sounds less like a Maserati and more

like a regular leg.

Yeah, you guys are basically walking
around on a couple of Maseratis. Oh.

But the reduction in treatment cost
makes it more than worth the high price.

Plus, and I really can't overstate this,
it looks sexy as fuck.

Courtney Gilmore, everyone.

And while we wait for the government to
fund prosthetic limbs, if you want to

help Courtney buy her dream leg, donate
to her GoFundMe right here. We'll be

right back.

GoFundMe.

It's been two weeks since Ontario's
minimum wage increased to $14 an hour,

just like conservatives predicted, the
province's economy has completely

collapsed.

Proving economists at your uncle's house
right yet again.

The hike has resulted in every single
small business closing, the cost of

consumer goods skyrocketing, and society
devolving into 15th century feudalism.

Now the only question will be whether
the lord of our land, the Rogers

Corporation, will allow us first to till
our fields in peace or require us to

make war on their dreaded enemy, the
House of Bell.

Late last year, Justin Trudeau vowed to
recommit Canada to its peacekeeping

route by offering a comprehensive
package of military transport vehicles,

and ground troops to the United Nations.

The move evoked nostalgia for our
diplomatic heyday, which is why in

Beefeats segment, we're taking a look
back at Canada's most fuckable

peacekeepers.

Oh, this is going to be problematic for
several reasons. You said it. At number

three, the Blue Berets. These UN
officers kept the peace in the streets

committing crimes against humanity in
the sheets. Oh, my God. Also, that's

factually incorrect.

While there have been controversies over
many peacekeeping missions, for the

most part, these people are heroes who
prevent millions more from suffering.

Yeah, I know that, Miguel. But that
doesn't change the fact that their knack

the sack is so deadly, they should be
prosecuted in the Hague.

Okay. Do I really have to go along with
this? Either you say it or I do. Okay,

fine. Number two, Major General Louis
McKenzie.

I mean, his role in the Balkans peace
process was complicated, but he's an

undoubtedly important historical figure
who deserves respectful reverence. Yeah.

All I know is I can't look at him
without you go salivating.

Fetishizing Canada's peacekeeping past
is...

So painfully inappropriate, I don't know
where to start.

Too bad, because we're already at number
one. Lester B. Pearson, the Nobel Peace

Prize winner, ushered in the swingin'
60s by putting the emphasis on

multilateralism, if you catch my drift.

That's the father of modern peacekeeping
you're talking about, Emma.

He's probably the father of a lot of
kids, Miguel.

After keeping Canada out of Vietnam, he
could pull as much trim as he wanted.

Emma, why do we keep doing these Beefeet
segments? The Internet clearly hates

them. Not the Internet I use.

Well, that's our show. Join us next week
for our takedown of John A. MacDonald

with musical guest The Arkells.