All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e06

Tonight on the Beaverton, with Trump's
travel ban upheld by the Supreme Court,

Americans are now safe from the 713th
leading cause of death.

Explorers discovered a 15 ,000 -year
-old Montreal cave containing the oldest

known Islamophobic graffiti.

And with Greg Zahn fired, is this the
end of toxic masculinity in sports?

All our experts say no.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the show
future archaeologists will watch to see

it all went wrong.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm
part of the problem, Emma Hunter.

Our top story. As Robert Mueller closes
in, sources say the Trump administration

is positioning Jared Kushner to be the
fall guy, in the hopes that Jared cannot

be tried as an adult.

Mueller has had to alter his methods of
interrogating the president's son -in

-law by using an unconventional
technique, the marshmallow test.

Mueller presented Kushner with the
option of eating one marshmallow or

over on five campaign staffers and
receiving a reduced sentence and two

marshmallows.

The results may be skewed, however, as
FBI stenographers are having

transcribing due to Kushner still having
trouble pronouncing his R's.

The White House, meanwhile, is
criticizing Mueller for taking Jared

his important task of boning up on
Mideast peace talks by learning all of

names of the countries on his coloring
maps.

In a series of angry tweets, President
Trump attacked the FBI over the Russia

investigation, saying its reputation is
in tatters. When reached for comment,

the FBI were in tears.

Trump's sassing of the FBI didn't end
there. He went on to tweet, the FBI is

fugly, huge hips, big pores.

Nobody likes them, and they will never
get a boyfriend.

Said one devastated FBI agent, I've been
shot at by drug cartels and seen

partners die, but ending up in Trump's
burn book? That hurts.

President Trump's attorney, John Dowd,
is claiming he made an incriminating

tweet from Trump's account, and also if
the video ever surfaces, he's the one

being peed on by a Russian prostitute.

Some critics insist Trump authors his
own Twitter feed, citing the spelling

mistakes and overall incoherent, petty
tone.

But Dowd maintains that the Trump feed
is curated by a team of lawyers and PR

people who carefully craft messages that
call Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas.

Dowd went on to claim that as president,
Trump cannot obstruct justice, is

legally required to collude with foreign
powers, and has the executive privilege

to disappear if things start to look a
bit prison -y.

For years, Canada has lagged behind
Scandinavia in international rankings,

forcing our nation to evaluate just how
much more herring we need to pickle. But

in 2017, that all changed. For more,
here's our own Aisha Alfa.

Excitement swept the nation this morning
as the UN named Canada the most livable

country in the world, after granting the
government's request not to count

indigenous Canada.

This year, Canada scored much higher
marks on infrastructure, health care,

education now that the third world
conditions that exist within our borders

aren't taken into consideration.

Which, of course, as far as the
government is concerned, they aren't.

According to the Association of First
Nations, this just confirms what we've

always known. Canada is the best country
in the world, except for the

environmental destruction of treaty
lands, racialized incarceration, the

of genocide, and of course its continued
indifference toward addressing any of

those issues.

Justin Trudeau agreed with the
statement, adding that the world needs

water advisories.

I mean, more Canada.

But while most of the country is
celebrating, the Liberals are refusing

on their laurels. They're already
exploring ways to pad their stats for

cutting loose swaths of northern Canada,
the Maritimes, and all of the Toronto

suburbs they're too afraid to visit.

For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alfa.

Thanks, Aisha. I guess we don't need
these anymore.

Canadian progressives are blasting Trump
over his proposed merit -based

immigration system, which they assume is
different from the one we've had in

Canada for the past 50 years.

Many of these liberals have never looked
into Canada's restrictive point system,

other than inquiring how long they can
pay their undocumented nannies under the

table. But Trudeau is worried Canada's
immigration policy is being

misrepresented in comparison to Trump's
agenda. The PMO clarified, from our

years -long backlog of asylum
applications, to the indefinite

refugees. Canada's system isn't the same
as America's. It's much worse.

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Immigration
is telling Haitian border crossers that

they can't just show up unannounced and
claim Canadian citizenship.

Said one Indigenous rights group, this
is what we've been saying for the past

300 years.

The ministry explained there are two
ways to get into this country through

proper channels. Prove that you're
escaping certain torture, starvation,

death. Or torture, starve, and kill your
way in.

The ministry says Haitian refugees who
enter Quebec through the correct

will enjoy resettlement benefits like
temporary housing, financial aid, and

choice of which hate group will target
them.

When we return, Donald Trump says
repealing the estate tax will put

the hands of those Americans suffering
the most, the ones raised by him.

Wow.

Sir?

Here's the latest research on the
Neskintango water supply.

A boil water advisory.

We need to fix this right away. You know
what? Call the prime minister. Wait.

Wait. Oh, my God.

OJ was acquitted?

Clear my schedule.

It's crazy.

They have to boil their water every
single day.

There's hardly any food.

Oh, that, and then there's this total
weirdo Richard Hatch wandering around.

I could talk about Survivor all day.
It's that good.

Neskintaga. Still?

Okay, let's get to this after Olympic
hockey.

Ignoring the Neskintaga Boiled Water
Advisory, a part of our heritage for 22

years. Well, we did it.

Finally, we've received the necessary
federal funding to fix Neskintaga, the

only boil water advisory in Canada.

Uh, sir?

Let's take lunch.

Yeah?

That's a lot.

Coming up later.

The Toronto District School Board just
voted cops out of schools, even though a

lot of them were just about to graduate.

Both the Farmer's Almanac and Breitbart
predict a white Christmas.

And President Trump is under fire for
retweeting Triumph of the Will.

Ontario is planning to ban eye tattoos
on the grounds that putting a needle in

your eye and injecting it with ink may
have harmful consequences for your eyes.

Said one official.

People continue to tattoo their eyes and
implant jewelry onto their optic

membranes, despite the fact that this
frequently, and I thought, obviously,

leads to eye damage.

So I guess we have to regulate this now.

Eye tattoos join other body
modifications on the province's do -not

along with lung piercings, rectal
spikes, and decoratively hanging

a bridge.

Sex offender Brock Turner is appealing
his conviction on the grounds that the

court said no to his defense. But they
really meant yes.

Says Turner, I came of age when all the
rules about consent and raping

unconscious women were different. That
was the culture in 2016.

The grounds for Turner's appeal is the
alleged location of the rape. He claims

it did not take place behind the
dumpster, as the court found, but

plain view, a fact that could open him
up to an even longer sentence, because

America, indecent exposure is a far more
heinous crime than raping a woman.

When it comes to political influence,
what's more useful, one vote or several

million dollars?

To find out how it's definitely the
latter, here's our own Marilla West.

Months after being forced to reform
rules around their cash -for -access

the Liberal Party has restarted the
controversial practice.

Thankfully, the gas and or ask -for
-access galas have stopped.

But I decided to investigate whether
money was still corrupting our politics.

Have the new fundraising rules done
enough to curtail the influence of big

money? You know, my memory's a little
hazy on that. Maybe my friend Wilfrid

Laurier could help me remember.

Oh, when it came to cash for access, it
was clear that I would need cash for

answers.

So, the new rules don't make expensive
fundraisers illegal.

Really? How else are the wealthy
donating to politicians?

Twenty up front.

Five now.

Fifteen after.

So, even though the maximum donation is
$1 ,550, Elections Canada only records

donations over $20. You could send $19
to all 338 ridings and donate four times

the legal limit, and no one would ever
know.

Any other loopholes I should know about?
I would never accept your $50 bribe.

Fifty's a bit deep.

I would, however, gladly accept your $40
donation.

Many cash -for -access galas charge $1
,500 a plate. So if a host can round up

300 guests, they can effectively raise a
half a million dollars buying huge

government influence.

Hey, wait.

Maybe for another 50, I could have you
chat with the minister about a new tax

break for journalists?

What about a patronage appointment?

So while political funding in this
country continues to benefit wealthy

at least I've got mine.

For the Beaverton.

I'm Senator Marilla West.

Thanks, Marilla. HR has just informed me
they will not be reimbursing you.

Ontario's minimum wage goes up to $14 on
January 1st. To discuss the issue is

Shonda Birch, a frontline worker with
the Wage Fairness Association.

Miguel, this is great.

$14 an hour will give millions of low
-income earners the ability to afford

only rent, but also a small to medium
amount of food.

And representing the other side of the
issue is Todd.

Hey.

I'm sorry, what are Todd's
qualifications?

I don't know, but he has a lot of
opinions about stuff, so... More job

less job takers. Am I right?

Are you a business owner?

No, I'm in IT.

Shonda, should we worry that employers
will hire fewer people? I've made up my

mind that we should, but I'm phrasing
this opinion as a question.

Oh, come on, that is not fair.

Hey, lots of people agree, right, Todd?

Big time.

Actually, most economists believe small
businesses will hire the same number of

people because their needs stay the
same. And big businesses can indeed

to pay a living wage.

No, I disagree.

Well put.

Okay, you clearly just stacked this
panel with a yes man to give voice to a

mostly disproven opinion.

Todd, it's clear Shonda and Miguel hate
jobs.

What's your opinion?

Buddy, I hate to break it to you, but
you gotta have jobs.

What? What does that even mean?

Shonda, won't this drive business away,
tanking the economy? No matter what you

say, I'm going to make a doubtful noise
afterward.

I really don't think so.

Huh.

By raising people's purchasing power,
you put money back into the economy.

All right, sir. No, and I don't care.

Minimum wage workers having enough to
live off has literally nothing to do

you. I think Kathleen Wynne is bad.

Very insightful.

Huh.

Well, that's all the time we have.

Wow, we've never had a worse guest. I
know, that lady was nuts.

Good work, Todd.

After the break, every single climate
scientist in the world has weighed in on

global warming.

But what does Todd think?

We spend ten minutes finding out.

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me
on the news.

Last week it was revealed that Uber paid
hackers $100 ,000 to keep a massive

online data breach quiet.

57 million users had their personal
information leaked, including their

addresses, and worst of all, their
embarrassing Uber history.

One customer worried, my wife will leave
me if she finds out every time I took

an Uber to the gym, I was actually just
spending $15 to have some me time and

drive around in circles.

In the hopes of avoiding lawsuits, Uber
is scrambling to suppress leaks on how

little you tipped, how many times you
barfed in the back seat, and that

night you ordered Uber Eats to the Uber
you were already in.

The ongoing revelations about workplace
harassment have prompted the world to

look more closely at what it's really
like for women in the workplace.

Here to talk about it is one of our own
writers, the wonderful Alana Ryok.

Hi, Elena. Hi, Miguel.

Thanks for the thoughtful introduction,
Emma. Oh my gosh, you're welcome.

Thank you for thanking me.

In any field dominated by men, it can be
really hard to get an idea out without

being interrupted or having that idea
retold to you by a man who thinks he's

come up with it himself.

You know, I bet it can be a real
challenge to have your voice heard in a

full of men.

So one thing we do is repeat the
contributions of the other women in the

while giving them credit for their
input.

That sounds like something everyone can
do.

Doesn't it?

We've also developed a kind of nonverbal
social shorthand as a way to check in

with one another covertly about, you
know, male co -workers that make your

go, like, bleh, get away from me.

Wow, I had no idea it was so pervasive.

Yeah, well, you know, there's plenty of
men that do subtle things that make you

feel uncomfortable, but still fall
within the gray area of disputable

Yeah, like hugging for too long or
wearing too tight bicycle shorts in the

office. So after some trial and error,
women started whisper networks to warn

one another.

Trial and error?

Yeah, like literal red flags were too
obvious.

Yeah, and the graffiti on bathroom
stalls were slanderous. Yeah, and going

is, well, you know.

So, after all that failed, we had to get
creative.

Oh my God, I can't believe that. I know.
It is crazy that she didn't get that

promotion over Steve.

What? Who? What?

Oh, Emma was just filling me in on some
of the workplace gossip you always say

you're too above listening to.

When?

This entire time.

Well, with all the energy that we put
into protecting one another, women have

evolved to have our most intimate
conversations telepathically.

Telepathically. That seems a little far
-fetched, doesn't it? I mean, it's not

really... That is exactly what he sounds
like.

Exactly how who sounds.

Thanks, Elena. Thank you.

I will.

From drinking problems to concussion
problems, it's getting harder and harder

casually enjoy sports.

To blissfully ignore all of those
topics, here's our sports guys, Luke and

Good night on BSN. The NBA has pre
-ordered this year's Golden State

champion T -shirts.

To find the odds, a lacrosse game
happens.

And football players suffering CTE are
excited for the upcoming breakup.

Welcome to BSN. I'm Luke. He's Pat. And
the next best thing to watching sports

is watching us talk about them.

But first.

After the Cavaliers eliminated them from
the playoffs the last two seasons, the

Raptors have signed a surefire LeBron
stopper, a large pit covered in lead.

While LeBron normally looks like a man
playing amongst boys, there's something

about this rudimentary trap that he
can't seem to figure out, especially

it's obscured by foliage or a shrub.

So far, the pit has averaged only zero
points a game for the Raptors this

season, but it's become a fan favorite
for his workmanlike attitude and

charitable efforts in the city.

Fed up with the team's losing ways,
Edmonton superstar Connor McDavid has

demanded a trade to last year's Edmonton
Oilers.

McJesus says he's tired of playing with
bums like Drysaddle and Luchich and

wants to stay in a line with people who
actually know how to score, like the

2016 versions of Drysaddle and Luchich.

Oilers GM Peter Chiarelli has not said
whether he'll bend the space -time

continuum in order to grant McDavid's
request, noting that if he's going to go

back in time, he'd much prefer to kill
himself before he made that Taylor Hall

trade.

Finally, fantasy pools are a great way
for any sports fan to escape the

ennui of our meaningless lives. Keeps
the gun out of my mouth. Said it before

and I'll say it again. Only way you're
leaving this world is beside me as we

drive off a cliff like Thelma and
Louise.

Thanks, man.

Joining us now with tips on how to get
the most out of your lineup is BSN

fantasy expert Hal Dollop. Thanks, boys.
This week features some huge on -ice

matchups in Canada's most competitive
league.

The NHL.

Timbits hockey.

Specifically, the long -awaited showdown
between the Nelson half -pipes and the

Burnaby foreign investors.

Nelson's six -year -old sensation Rory
S. is having a breakout season with 36

goals in five games.

What's behind this hot start?

Well, Pat, he's got a wicked wrist shot
that scouts say tops out at eight miles

per hour. Jesus.

Yeah, and he's got a pretty sick core
fee, too, thanks to being the only

in the league that can turn in both
directions.

If I'm not mistaken, the last meeting
between these rivals saw Burnaby get

out on the strength of Nelson goalie
Devin Kaye's four -save performance.

Yeah, that's correct.

But look for Burnaby to put a few more
goals on the board this time after

Devin's father pawned all his pads to
pay for what sources say is a very

gambling addiction.

It's terrible.

Yeah,

I mean, there's barely any other goalies
to pick up on the waiver wire. Yeah,

and I'd also be wary of starting Burnaby
center Jay Ness if he's in your lineup.

from the pink eye he got from farting in
his own hand and smelling it, is he?

No, but he hasn't been himself ever
since some big kids introduced him to a

site that he was not prepared to see.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to disagree with
you there, Hal. I mean, hockey's got a

long history of elite talent propelled
by psychosexual trauma.

I told you, man, those boys can't hurt
you anymore.

Not with you by my side.

Head off. Thanks for your time. My
pleasure.

That's it for this week, but be sure to
tune in next time. You've heard of

Backyard Rinks, but we're profiling the
amazing mom who built a backyard sports

gambling facility.

You have a really weird job.

Yeah.

In an attempt to boost ratings, the
cable public affairs channel is

late night block of erotic political
programming called CPAC After Dark.

Between midnight and 4 a .m., Canadians
can get politically aroused with soft

core regulation updates on the hottest
new barely legal legislation.

And experiment with BDSM, budget
deficits, surpluses, and management.

CPAC After Dark is part of a growing
trend of adult content on specialty

channels, including History Channel's
Orgies Through the Ages and Gusto's

You Can Fuck.

A recent decision to remove Toronto
police from schools highlighted racism

education. Now an equity task force says
gifted programs improve outcomes for

privileged students at the expense of
poor and racialized ones.

It's the subject of tonight's Point
Counterpoint. Should we abolish gifted

programs as soon as my kid graduates?

Miguel, what do you think? Wait, you
have a kid?

Yeah, I have a life outside the show,
Miguel.

You've literally never mentioned it
before. Well, I have a kid. His name is

Jackson with an X, and I will abandon
any principle for him.

Okay, well, it's unfair to give academic
advantages to wealthier kids while

placing poorer, marginalized kids into a
plight stream.

The task force showed that's what these
gifted programs do. We need to abolish

them. Yes, we need to get rid of them
immediately when Jackson turns 18.

Emma, when you put all the middle -class
white kids together, you essentially

ghettoize everyone else. Sure, and I get
that, but sorry, I have a middle -class

white kid, and he needs to know
institutionally. that he's better than

kids. And why is he better than anyone
else?

Because I made this one. He's my
incredible one.

Every kid is incredible.

You are so right, and I would know,
because my kid is the most incredible.

Emma, we have to give underprivileged
kids the same opportunities, or else we

perpetuate cycles of discrimination.

I completely agree, and that's why we
need to let Jackson into the gifted

program so he can become smart enough to
one day come up with something better

than the gifted program. And what if he
doesn't get into the gifted program?

Oh, well, then burn it to the ground. I
don't care.

Get it.

Well, that's our show this week. Tune in
next time where we'll show you ten ways

to tell if you're the guy at the party
with the guitar.

I wouldn't want to be the gal with the
guitar. I don't want to be seen as

musical or artistic. I play a little
tiny decoration with the guitar.

And so I think it's kind of charming. I
do mostly sad songs, but... I think that

I can really... I mean, do you ever go
to parties with that thing?

Oh, yeah. I've been to some parties.

Yeah. How many parties?

They're all great. I'm going to party
with them.