All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e05

Tonight on the Beaverton.

After missing out on Time magazine,
Trump is angling hard for the Sports

Illustrated swimsuit edition.

Jeff Bezos now has more money than the
combined wealth of the world's poorest

billionaire. And the Argos win the Grey
Cup in a huge upset. Or as expected.

Or whatever.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the only news
show that broadcasts live from

international waters.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm six
-time Russian roulette champion, Emma

Hunter.

Our top story, royal watchers rejoice.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have
finally announced their billion -dollar

stimulus to the U .K. economy.

The engagement promises not only to
boost consumer spending on commemorative

plates, but also to solidify the
military alliance between England and

But now that he's engaged, relationship
experts are worried how Harry will

balance the demands of being a husband
with his full schedule of nothing.

Nevertheless, royal wedding fever is in
full swing, and tabloids are already

speculating when four -year -old playboy
Prince George is finally going to

settle down.

After unveiling a surprisingly
progressive agenda this weekend, Ontario

leader Patrick Brown has been accused of
stealing the Liberal Party platform, of

stealing the NDP party platform.

For 14 years, the Liberals have won
elections by taking NDP policies, then

adding buzzwords like community,
diversity, and diverse communities.

But it appears Brown has beaten them to
the punch. An outraged Premier Wynne

said, Everyone knows stealing from the
NDP is our thing. What's next? Is Brown

going to not follow through on his
promises like we always do?

For his part, Brown denied trying to
copy the liberals' tactics, although he

at a loss to explain his recent haircut.

Meanwhile, NDP leader Andrea Horvath was
unavailable to comment on this story

because we didn't ask her.

Faced with declining ratings and poor
reviews CBC's revamped the national has

not gotten off to a great start
Fortunately producers say they have

solution

even more anchors. From now on, Hannah
Mansing, Barton, Chang, and Arsenault

will be joined by David Suzuki, who will
report from a purpose -built studio at

the North Pole.

Sports will be handled by the entire
cast of Murdoch Mysteries, saying one

at a time. And lifestyle reports will be
brought to us by Dan Levy, giving

Canadians what they've always wanted,
more Dan Levy.

The CBC is confident these changes will
turn things around, but do have a backup

plan, turning the show over to its
biggest star, playoff hockey.

In an historic statement, Justin Trudeau
apologized for the past persecution of

Canada's LGBTQ soldiers, promising that
from now on, they'll only be mistreated

for being veterans.

Trudeau reiterated his commitment to
equality by assuring Canadians that

gay soldiers will be denied benefits at
the same rate as their heterosexual

counterparts.

The Liberals hailed the speech as the
start of a new era where soldiers of all

orientations can be discarded the moment
they cease to be useful as election

props.

Vaccines, the only legal way to stab
your children.

But with preventable diseases on the
rise, it raises the question, are we

stabbing them enough?

For more on this is our own Marilla Wex.

Canada's vaccination rates are on the
decline.

Despite overwhelming evidence that
proves they're safe and effective, their

reputation has been harmed by the three
Ds.

Debunked studies, disgraced former
doctors, and D -list actors.

But doctors have found a way to convince
skeptics to trust vaccines, disguising

them as naturopathic treatments.

People will put anything in their body
if they think it's natural.

So rather than tell people I'm giving
their kid the mumps vaccine, I just say

it's apple cider vinegar.

Somehow that's better.

Doctors call it the goop effect. The
idea that natural means safe and

by a celebrity means natural.

And now doctors are co -opting it to
give their patients all the benefits of

modern science without the science -y
part they hate so much.

Once I realized that many parents are
convinced that all doctors are in the

pocket of big herd immunity, I had a
choice to make.

Cite peer -reviewed studies on
vaccinations.

Or... Just tell him it's a shot of good
old -fashioned healing juice.

Doctors are even adopting this approach
towards the rest of their practice,

ensuring that people are accessing
vetted medicine under the guise of

unregulated nonsense.

So you're lying?

Sure. But at least now I can actually
treat my patients, instead of spending

appointments trying to convince them not
to stick wasps' nests up their vaginas.

So while the granolification of Canada's
health care system may worry those who

prefer science -based medicine, it has
finally given many parents what they've

always wanted, a chance to feel smarter
than their doctors.

For the Beaverton, I'm Marilla Wex.

Thanks, Marilla.

Of course, alternative health advocates
aren't the only ones using unscientific

medicine. With cold and flu season in
full swing, we all want to make sure

taking the most effective placebos.

Placebos? Yeah, when something works
because someone tells you it's

like my communications degree.

For more, here's health expert Emily
Muller.

Thanks, Emma.

When cold season comes, we all need
placebos, whether it's echinacea,

powder, or the Lord's will.

Wait, wait, doesn't echinacea work?

Don't you think it works?

I want to think that it works. Then
there you go.

One of my favorites is cold effects,
recommended by Canada's most trusted

physician, Don Cherry.

Listen, Don Cherry went to the med
school of hard knocks, okay?

Didn't cold effects perform its own
studies showing that it wasn't all that

effective? Yes.

But clinical trials have shown it's
exactly as effective as the placebos

cutting -edge medical research.

That's impressive.

Is there any reason at all to think that
ColdFX does anything?

My aunt swears by it.

ColdFX is made out of ginseng, itself a
very powerful placebo that my aunt

swears by.

Sorry, swore by.

With all due respect, it seems like none
of these remedies work, and the only

scientifically supported cure for the
cold is bed rest, fluids, and actually

taking a day off of work. Well, it's
2017. Even our viral infections need a

hustle. Yeah. How am I supposed to lean
in when I'm lying down, Miguel?

And after all, the best part of curing
yourself with a placebo is the

realization that the medicine was in you
the whole time.

Thank you, Emily.

After the break, we'll tell you about
the only true cure for a bad cold, a

cold with a gun.

Now, that's a little... Coming

up

later on the Beavership.

The World Ball Hockey Championship was
interrupted by a car.

CRA cracks down on the original white
-collar crime, getting mugged by a

And the CN Tower is finally wheelchair
accessible after installing a ramp.

As part of the Canada 150 celebrations,
a new outdoor arena on Parliament Hill

will give the people of Ottawa exactly
what they're missing, a large public

skating area.

At a cost of $5 .6 million, or $67 ,000
per day it's open, the new arena hopes

to capture the fun of Ottawa with lots
of rules.

No hockey, no racing, no experiencing
joy, and all conflicts of interest must

reported to the ethics commissioner.

One official said the arena was a
perfect symbol of Canadian society.

Cold, bureaucratic, and somehow owned by
China.

Monsanto announced a breakthrough in
GMOs with the release of a new strain of

corn advanced enough to sue neighboring
farmers when it blows onto their land.

The litigator's seeds are said to be
impervious to pests.

like subpoenas, countersuits, and
investigative reporters.

In a press release, the company said,
Monsanto wants to secure the future of

food production by offering farmers
choice for their crops, specifically the

choice of either using Monsanto seeds or
suffering the consequences.

The new strain of corn will be available
in spring 2018, along with a new

variety of quinoa that can tell if a
farmer is lying.

Jared Kushner is downplaying reports
that his influence in the White House is

waning, citing his role as secretary of
important big boy stuff.

The president's son -in -law noted that
his portfolio includes such critical

tasks as checking if Puerto Rico's
lights are on, reminding Israel and

to play nice, and eating all of his
vegetables.

Chief of Staff John Kelly echoed
Kushner's sentiments, adding that Jared

expected to complete all of his chores
if he wants to earn his weekly allowance

of $2 .7 million.

From white people eating sushi to
bluefin tuna eating plastic, food is a

cycle of cultural appropriation and
ingesting toxins.

With more, here's the Beaverton's own
Eddie Zhang.

We gotta get this going.

Hey, yo, I'm Eddie Zhang. Eddie! Head
chef and owner of the restaurant Dim

Stuffed Has Gotta Give.

Yo, these days, everyone wants to know
what's the next big trend in global

cuisine.

And now they do, thanks to the man
bringing authentic Sri Lankan food to

streets of Toronto, my boy James
Petersburg.

Oh, this is the best go -to I ever
tasted.

Thank you. Where'd you learn to blend
spices like that? Listen, let me tell

I spent three months training in Sri
Lanka, but it was just way too hard, so

came back and hired Sri Lankan line
cooks.

No shit.

75 % of all kitchen labor in Toronto are
Sri Lankan immigrants.

And when I heard that, I said, that is
the cuisine that I can exploit.

You mean explore?

Sure.

Okay.

Oh, woo!

Damn, this is spicy!

Nothing is helping!

So hot!

You think white people are going to eat
this?

Yeah, they're afraid of the heat, so I
figured... Why not lean into it, you

know, make the whole culinary experience
feel as dangerous as the Civil War

-torn Sri Lanka?

That's technically a comparison someone
else should make.

Hey, our crew's so hot, it's like war
crime on your taste buds.

No, we assume that it's too soon.

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, what up, players?

Yeah! This is where the magic happens,
huh?

Dinesh, do you think it should be your
picture in all those food blogs?

Yeah, but it's hard to create social
media buzz when you're working 15 hours

day. You didn't know James didn't know
the menu items for generals accused of

human rights abuses?

I'm not allowed in the front of the
restaurant.

People might think I'm the chef instead
of the guy who does all the cooking.

Whoa. Did you tell me you've never eaten
here before?

I work in the restaurant industry.

I can't afford to eat at a restaurant.

So, if the Sri Lankan community doesn't
eat here...

And you get all the money.

Are you guilty of cultural
appropriation? Eddie, you run a

So? You're Vietnamese.

As fuck!

So maybe there is a line between
cultural exchange and appropriation. In

retrospect, I probably wasn't equipped
to handle this delicate debate.

I'm your boy, Eddie Zhang, and I do not
stand behind this segment.

Thanks, Eddie.

When we come back, the edibles will have
kicked in, so please don't take any

more.

Coming up later on the Beaversons.

The new Northern Highway reaches all the
way to the Arctic Ocean, and CAA isn't

happy about it.

During a delay at the Calgary
International Airport, a group of

turned their grounded flight into an
impromptu oil derrick.

And despite being under house arrest,
Paul Manafort was stabbed in the shower.

With low interest rates driving Canada's
household debt to record levels, the

Liberals have tabled a new proposal to
eliminate the deficit, renovating the

entire country to increase its resale
value.

The new plan would see the government
add to this year's $28 .5 billion

shortfall to make such long -neglected
touch -ups as replacing Aurora Borealis

with potted lighting.

knocking down the Rocky Mountains to
create a more open -concept Alberta, and

converting Newfoundland into an en
-suite bathroom complete with heated

and eternity ocean.

The proposal has even drawn support from
the Conservatives, with a Tory

spokesman explaining that no party
comprised primarily of middle -aged

can refuse a plan that involves spending
more time at Home Depot.

Times is under fire after printing a
softball piece about a dangerous white

supremacist. But now, neo -Nazi website
Stormfront is firing back with one of

their own, a heartwarming profile of
Larry David.

While Stormfront is usually anti
-Semitic, the piece goes out of its way

humanize David, while downplaying his
part in the worldwide conspiracy to

control the bank.

The author of the piece explains the
reasoning behind the glowing portrait.

Usually we hate the New York Times, but
they really did us a solid by

normalizing a dangerous enemy of
America.

We figured we could do the same for
them.

The Times and Stormfront are even
considering a future collaboration, an

on the dark forces polluting both the
planet and the pureness of white blood.

With over 340 ,000 employees, Amazon is
a bookstore that got way out of hand.

With a search underway for the site of a
second Amazon headquarters, Canada's

cities are lining up to screw up their
chances.

Ontario tried wooing the tech giant to
Toronto by investing in STEM education,

but it's hard to compete with New
Jersey's $7 billion tax break or

-story cactus.

For their part, the Liberals have met
with Amazon 99 times over the last year,

but sources say that's only because
Justin likes to do his online shopping

person.

Toronto's waterfront, once a wholesome
place for cutthroats and pickpockets to

talk shop, has since become lousy with
craft fairs and outdoor music festivals.

Now, tech giant Google has purchased the
right to revitalize the area into the

neighborhood of the future.

With us tonight from the eastern
waterfront is the Beaverton tech expert,

Barclay.

Hey, guys.

I meant to ask, what are you doing down
there, Dave? Google just got their plan

approved. How could they have started
building?

Actually, they started Google -ifying
the waterfront months before they even

submitted their proposal.

They're already erecting street signs
named after Toronto's most popular

terms. I'm standing at the corner of Big
Boobs Avenue, and is this Cancer Lane?

Seriously? How is the zoning board okay
with this?

Well, when a company like Alphabet comes
calling, cities tend to look the other

way on zoning, labor, and all other
laws.

So they funneled some money into Toronto
and now they can just build whatever

they want? That's a dangerous precedent.

When he talks to Miguel, how do you
think I got my private zoo?

She's right. Giving Alphabet an unfair
advantage over local businesses is a

small price to pay for cool Google
projects.

Sidewalks that melt snow and raccoons.

And a color that explodes if you try to
leave.

Wow, Dave, this is sounding kind of
sinister.

Is it really a good idea to let tech
companies take over Toronto's decaying

infrastructure if they're just going to
turn it into a Blade Runner situation?

The sequel was terrible, Dave.

Oh, you're wondering how other cities
can get in on the fun?

No, that's not what I was... Some
already have, but it doesn't always go

Especially if a tech company goes under.
I'm sure we all remember what happened

when Windsor merged with MySpace in
2003.

Actually, I've heard MySpace might be
coming back.

Oh, well, that makes one of them.

Thank you, Dave.

Thunder Bay, Winnipeg's Winnipeg.

To investigate new developments in the
town, here's our own Aisha Alpha.

It's been a difficult year for Thunder
Bay, with its mayor and police chief

embroiled in charges of extortion and
obstruction of justice.

Now many are wondering how the city will
cope as it transitions from the murder

capital of Canada to the corruption
capital of Canada.

As more and more dirty money flows into
the Lakehead region, locals fear it may

come at the expense of the city's
scrappy, hand -stabbed character.

Lost to time and the winds of change is
the beloved Fort William historical

killing nook. But there's no stopping
progress.

Or the bride that helped to redevelop it
into a 70 -story condo.

Sadly, the former drug and arms
smuggling hub on the waterfront is

unrecognizable now that the Mission
Island Marsh has become an offshore tax

haven. And most of the city's meth
dealers are being pushed out by an

coke dealers.

If the city doesn't take action, those
coke dealers could then be pushed out by

good coke dealers.

Still, city council believes the rise in
white -collar crime won't affect its

standing in other metrics.

Despite national gains over the past
year, Thunder Bay can rest assured that

still holds the title of hate crime
capital of Canada.

For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alfa.

Thanks, Aisha.

After the break, we meet the grave
robbers behind your favorite ROM

There is

growing

concern that Canada will be unable to
fulfill its NORAD duties without

its aging fleet of horse -drawn fighter
jets.

The CF -18 jets with their floppy disks
and asbestos cockpits have been in

service since 1983.

For comparison, here is a new car and a
baby from 1983.

Beautiful, but look at them now.

The liberals say they are on track to
replace the jets by 2019, but until

they may have to rely on the new
military app, Uber Assault, or the more

affordable Uber Assault Pool.

With the current climate in Hollywood,
you may have noticed it's a watershed

moment for tone -deaf apologies.

With one of her own is Emma Hunter.

Thanks, Miguel.

Some people have come forward with
allegations against me, and I would like

set the record straight by using an
apology to explain how it's not my

Peter Steele, I am truly sorry for
cornering you in my dressing room and

you at knife point.

At the time, I thought it was a mutual
mugging, but I now realized that it was

just me mugging you.

I behaved insensitively.

To Matthew Duvall, I am sorry for
texting you inappropriate pictures of my

mugging knife.

I grew up in a different time when
sending threats and then following

with those threats was just part of the
culture.

I'm so embarrassed that my behavior
directly led to you getting mugged.

To Tyler Thornberry, so sorry about the
repeat mugging.

At the time, I thought it was okay
because I never mugged you without

first.

But I've learned that when you have a
knife, mask, and voice modulator, asking

for someone's wallet isn't a question.
It's an armed robbery.

To Shane Tiege, I honestly don't
remember the encounter. I was really

back then after the season finale of
Lost. That might explain the mugging.

Kevin Spacey is gay.

So there's that.

I appreciate that my past muggings have
caused a lot of pain, but I respect and

continue to be a champion of all people
who carry valuables on their person.

Please know, I have changed.

I'm awesome now. I'm going to therapy
for robbery addiction, which is a real

thing. No, it's not. No, it's not. If
you really did those things, you'd be in

prison. You mean like Weinstein, Charlie
Rose, and Louis C .K. are?

Good point.

Well, that's our show. Next week, we
uncover the KKK's disturbing new teen

recruitment effort with a series of
young adult novels about Grand Wizard.

I don't want to get in the way of that.

One, two, one. One, two, one.