All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e04

Tonight on the Beaverton, Charles Manson
has died, tragically cutting short his

bid for Alabama's Senate seat.

With Edmonton falling short of the Grey
Cup, CFL fans are ready to willfully

ignore their team name for another year.

And after the assault allegations
against Jeffrey Tambor, millions of

are finding the courage to admit they
never watched Transparent.

Welcome to the Beaverton, Canada's least
cited news show.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And an
unnamed source tells me I'm Emma Hunter.

Our top story, energy giant TransCanada
says that a massive leak in the Keystone

pipeline has flooded South Dakota with
thousands of gallons of new jobs.

The company released a statement taking
full responsibility for contaminating

the state with crude employment
opportunities such as public apologies,

promising people this won't happen
again.

And scrubbing oil stains off the state's
endangered presidents of Mount

Rushmore.

The company also noted that the task of
cleaning up nearly 800 ,000 liters of

oil will be a boon to its largest
traditional employee group, undocumented

workers.

After critics accused Canada of breaking
its UN peacekeeping promises, the

liberals are firing back, saying they
can't break a vague promise that no one

totally understood in the first place.

The Liberals recently reaffirmed their
serious commitment to send some soldiers

to do something in a place at some
future time.

Trudeau hopes his pledge of more troops
than Uganda but fewer than Fiji will

earn Canada a UN Security Council seat
and a say on which international crisis

to ignore next.

The CIA is calling last week's coup
against Zimbabwean dictator Robert

good blueprint for getting rid of a man
too old and crazy to have control over a

country.

One agency official noted, we've created
a black ops exchange program to give us

a bit of a refresher on regime change.

It's vital to both American and
establishment Republican interests.

But one hiccup remains for the CIA.

While Zimbabwe had a cunning, devious
vice president waiting to take over,

sadly, America isn't quite as lucky.

A proposed change to the Indian Act
would end sex -based discrimination.

This would bring the number of serious
issues with the Indian Act down to an

even five million.

For more, here's our own Marilla Weck.

In a political masterstroke, the Trudeau
cabinet has managed to finally

eliminate the unfair rules and
regulations that govern life on

reserves by imposing those same unfair
rules and regulations on the homes of

-indigenous Canadians.

We've been racking our brains for the
past year about how to address the

prejudice and the bureaucratic inertia
plaguing our indigenous communities.

And then last week we had a eureka
moment.

We should. Improve conditions on
reserves.

No. No. Well, I mean, maybe someday.

But solutions are hard. It's actually a
lot easier to create problems for

everyone else. You ever been audited?
Once. It was awful.

Uh -huh. Okay. Well, how would you like
to be audited? Five or six times a year

for no reason at all? Obviously, I
wouldn't.

Perfect. But we want the rest of Canada
to really understand what it's like to

live on a reserve. So naturally, we're
going to require government approval for

any household purchases over $5. And
we're going to be prohibiting the sale

purchase of real estate. That seems
extreme.

Yeah. But it's not like these people
even understand the concept of private

ownership, right? So who cares?

To demonstrate Mr.

Paulson's unique idea, the government
put together this video.

I can't drink this crap.

We should do something about the water.
I think we should renovate the kitchen

plumbing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast,
you guys.

How do you intend to pay for that?

How did you get into our house?

Your house?

Technically, the Johnson residence is
crown land, which means the home

mortgage you want is going to need to be
co -signed by an official in Ottawa.

How long will that take?

Depends, if it ends up on the wrong
bureaucrat's desk, in which case...

Also, since your daughter is not on our
list of registered Johnsons,

unfortunately she can't live here
anymore.

But she has her own room here.

Oh, don't worry about that. The
government needs that room for the oil

we've approved to run right through your
house. Come on, kiddo.

Naturally, the new policy is expected to
meet with protests.

But the government says this will just
give Canadians an opportunity to

experience yet another indigenous
ordeal.

getting blasted with water cannons.

For the Beaverton, I'm Marilla Wax.

Thanks, Marilla.

Canada's GDP saw record growth this
quarter thanks to Justin Trudeau's side

hustle as a social media influencer.

Trudeau's Instagram revenues have
surpassed mining and forestry after

lucrative shout -outs to Adidas,
Supreme, and the oil industry.

The opposition was quick to dismiss
Trudeau's contributions, saying, Prime

Ministers have no real bearing on the
economy unless they've been out of

for three years.

Besides, he never does what he tweets,
and his makeup tutorials are garbage.

But Trudeau was vindicated when he
received six million subscribers to his

YouTube prank channel, Gettin' Primed.

For months, Canadian journalists have
been claiming that Justin Trudeau is the

Trump whisperer. And not just because
we're all hoping Trump will break his

and Justin will shoot him.

Trudeau seems to be the only world
leader capable of reigning the president

Also, Trump loves it when Justin feeds
him apples.

Trudeau's impact was felt this morning
as Trump showed up to a meeting wearing

fun socks, tried to plank, and then to
everyone's horror, took off his shirt.

Coming up, Charlie Rose prepares for his
most in -depth one -on -one yet with

the cop investigating him for sexual
assault.

We are

dealing

with one sick puppy.

Clearly, our killer is suffering from a
psychological condition.

Why did he turn to violence?

Because he has a mental illness in his
brain.

Which one does he have?

Schizophrenia? Split personality?

Worse. Generalized anxiety disorder.

So sometimes I worry about things a lot
and have difficulty concentrating.

Well, help us if he's got depression,
too.

Coming up later on the Beaverton.

Paul Martin's Paradise Papers scandal
reminds the nation that Paul Martin is

still alive.

Ukraine asks Canada to help modernize
their 40 -year -old military into a 30

-year -old military.

And we'll meet the tech firm disrupting
government with an armed drone coup.

With studies showing that 3 % of gun
owners own 50 % of guns in America,

Republicans are now doing something
about this alarming stat, passing

legislation to encourage trickle -down
ammunition.

According to NRA spokes nightmare Dana
Loesch, we shouldn't punish the super

armed for having millions of rounds.
After all, these people are wound

Republican lawmakers believe that now is
the time for action. It's all part of

their new supply sidearm economic model,
popularized by the guy who shot Ronald

Reagan.

Good news for wireless consumers, with
Rogers announcing new plans that offer

unlimited data overage fees.

For just $90 a month, you'll be able to
spend thousands of dollars a month on

data you already thought you paid for.

The company stated in a press release,
This is all part of our commitment to

serve our customers best.

If Canadian families didn't love
spending money on using data, then

have phones based in Europe, or America,
or literally anywhere else on Earth.

With a new ban on protests outside of
Ontario abortion clinics, anti -choice

activists are now unsure what to do with
their free time and all their graphic

fetus posters.

Some have taken up bothering women on
their way to other elective procedures,

prompting Queen's Park to create safe
zones around laser eye surgery clinics.

According to one pro -life group, we're
not picky. We'll protest any expression

of female bodily autonomy.

The protesters consider donating their
stockpile of mutilated dolls to a

center, but then realize they don't care
about children after they're born.

A NATO warning identified Canada as a
potential Russian hacking target,

especially after we passed the Magnitsky
Act.

Named for a whistleblower who was found
dead in a Russian prison, it gives our

country the ability to levy sanctions
against corrupt foreign officials.

Sources say it made Vladimir Putin so
angry that he put on a shirt and went

inside of a building.

Here to discuss the evolving
relationship between Russia and Canada

Levrov, who has an ominously vague job
description at the Russian embassy.

Alexei, you've described this bill as
Russophobic. How so?

We are being unfairly discriminated
against just because we are undermining

American democracy.

It is just another example of the
noxious spread of free and open

But Canadians don't want Russia
interfering with our elections.

According to a poll from legitimate
polling services, all Canadians love

interference. Oh, I stand corrected.

I don't think the Canadian government
would tolerate that kind of thing.

You mean the government that is
successfully hacked once a week by some

mysterious foreign state?

Packing is one thing, but destabilizing
Canada is not that easy. Oh, no, no,

you're right. It's not as if wealthy
oligarchs have already bought up all the

real estate in your major cities, making
your market vulnerable to collapse.

But what could Russia possibly want with
Canada? We're just a sparsely

populated, oil -rich country with an
easily conquerable army.

Okay.

Well, you don't represent all of Russia.
Many support the Magnitsky Act.

Joining us via satellite from an
undisclosed location is Anton Ivanovich,

anti -Putin activist.

Anton?

Are you there?

Anton? Oh, no. I certainly hope nothing
has happened to this dissident.

Let's wrap this up before we end up on
the kill list. Thank you, Alexei.

After the break, there's a new fad diet,
and it's a scam.

Coming up later on The Beaverton.

Scientists discover a new species of
plastic in the Pacific Ocean.

The Fraser Institute releases a damning
report showing all the times it was cold

last year.

And Bombardier and Boeing settle things
with a good old -fashioned plane fight.

Uber's recent search for a female CEO
came down to three men.

It was met with an outcry from advocates
who insist women can be awful white men

too. Many insist women are capable of
CEO levels of narcissism and

behavior. Case in point, beauty pageant
moms.

But Uber insists women have problems
managing their work -life balance. They

believe female execs should focus on
raising their future little CEOs and

their daughters.

With more on Silicon Valley's diversity
problem, here is the dictionary

definition of a white man, Dave Barclay.

With thousands of tech companies
flocking to the Toronto -Waterloo

Silicon Valley North is booming.

And with a post -secondary push for more
women in STEM fields, it's becoming one

of the more inclusive sectors of the
Canadian economy.

But one engineer is speaking out.

In an infamous memo, Kevin Paulus argued
against giants like Google hiring a

group of people who he believes aren't
biologically equipped to succeed in the

tech industry.

Canadians.

Hi, thank you so much.

Yeah, two creams, one sugar.

Oh, no, I'm interviewing you.

There you go.

And it might be PC to hire Canadians,
but it's misguided.

All right? Blackberry was a Canadian
company, and it was a dismal failure.

Why do you think that is? Because its
products fail to resonate with

Because there are fundamental
differences that make you less suited

work. Exactly.

Okay. Some of the reasons that you cite
are that Canadians are passive, prone to

gossip, and constantly complaining about
the cold.

Wouldn't you say that's less science and
more wild generalization?

There it is.

Outrage culture rears its head again.

You can't call a Canadian an incompetent
sapsucker without somebody saying it's

a stereotype.

I mean, I feel like that's the very
definition of a stereotype.

Okay, I'm really trying to have a good
conversation with you right now, but I

can't do that if you keep getting
emotional.

But I don't feel emotional.

Calm down. I feel pretty relaxed right
now.

Calm down.

Like almost blasé?

You need to calm down.

Still?

Just calm down.

This is the least excited I can get.

After we took a break so I could collect
myself, I asked Kevin how he thought we

should proceed.

Diverse hiring is all well and good,
okay?

But it's discriminating against skilled
Americans when we hire a Canadian who's

just going to take a leave of absence
anyway, all right, to go watch the...

Winter Olympics or something. That's the
problem.

We usually just watch it on TV.

Whatever. On tape delay. You know, if
we're going to have a Silicon Valley

north, we should have a Silicon Valley
south.

There is a Silicon Valley south in
Silicon Valley.

In Northern California.

Okay, I'm really trying to foster good
dialogue here, but I can't do that if

don't lower your voice.

I feel like I'm being pretty quiet.

Okay, this interview's over.

Yeah, I'm done.

Sadly, Canadian tech workers only earn
80 cents for every dollar an American

makes. But if we lean in together to
bridge the exchange gap, we might

shatter that highest glass touchscreen
of all.

For the Beaverton, I'm Dave Barclay.

Thanks, Dave.

With awards season just around the
corner, Senator Al Franken became the

frontrunner in 2017's most hotly
contested race, Best Original Sexual

Apology.

Franken is believed to have a commanding
lead over fellow contenders Harvey

Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, and Louis C
.K., whose statement was panned by

as somehow more self -indulgent than his
comedy.

Of course, after failing to issue an
apology for the 25th straight year, the

Academy continues to snub Woody Allen.

Lena Dunham is in hot water after
releasing a statement defending Lena

Dunham fans were shocked she would
defend the defender of Murray Miller, an

alleged producer on and assaulter of
girls.

In the statement, Dunham said, I naively
believed it was important to share my

opinion, an apology we've all been
waiting for since season one of her

In the wake of recent sexual harassment
revelations, the entertainment industry

is left with more questions than
answers.

Although fortunately, none of the
questions are, will you watch me

Get a comment on Hollywood's toxic
professional environment as workers'

representative Tracy Johnson.

Tracy, thank you so much for joining us.
What factors have led to this industry

-wide epidemic?

Well, job insecurity for a start, little
recourse for reporting inappropriate

behavior, plus long unsupervised shifts
in the kitchen.

Sorry. This piece is about Hollywood
harassment.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Of course it is.
And I have that just right here.

Everything all right over there, Tracy?

Yes, of course.

Hollywood is just one industry among
many plagued by this sort of thing.

And these are mostly domestic work, very
exploited professions.

Of course. Okay, and over here are all
agricultural worker abuses. It's very

grim stuff indeed.

But do you have anything on Weinstein
over there? Oh, okay.

60 % of hotel housekeepers will be
harassed at work.

Will Hollywood ever recover?

We've been fielding complaints about
this stuff across every industry for

and we just want to harness this brief
window of interest in basic human

Fair enough, absolutely. This is my 30th
interview today.

Do you want a break?

I actually can't take one. I'm very
junior here. And what was it my boss

Someone with a mouth as hot as yours
shouldn't ask so many questions about

work maximum.

Okay. But are there any further
developments in Hollywood harassment

accusations?

Why do we only care about abuse when
it's committed by famous people?

Not everyone who exposes themselves to
an employee is a glamorous Hollywood

producer. Some are bureaucrats, or shift
supervisors, or Canadian producers.

Fair enough.

But are there any solutions?

Big picture answers are going to take
more time, but for now there is one

every industry can do.

Institute a strict no -aflex policy.

That sounds like a plan we can all get
behind. Oh, don't let them get behind

you. Thanks, Tracy.

After the break, Honda recalls 900 ,000
minivans on the heels of pressure from

the nation's cool dads.

Am I a cool dad? Absolutely.

Citing a lack of qualified French
teachers, Canadian schools are replacing

French immersion programs with classes
aimed at exposing students to Quebec's

other official language, xenophobia.

The new curriculum will teach students
how to conjugate racial slurs and offers

an extensive reading list comprised of
Quebec literary classics like Bill 101,

The Charter of Values, and Jacques
Perrault's 1995 children's fable, Money

the Ethnic Vote.

The program is expected to thrive, given
that while English Canada doesn't have

many French teachers, it has plenty of
racist ones.

As a result of its continued popularity,
the niqab ban could have implications

for how parties campaign in Quebec
during the 2019 federal election.

This brings us to tonight's Point
Counterpoint. Can Jagmeet Singh be

enough to win French Canada? Miguel,
what do you think?

I will start. He doesn't need to be
racist at all. Quebec loves the NDP.

Strong unions, child care, a higher
minimum wage. These are all NDP issues

Quebec cares about. This isn't an
election for school president, Miguel,

everyone votes for the nerd that they
feel most sorry for.

I was school president. Yeah.

An attack ban has 80 % support in
Quebec, and the other 20 % think it

far enough. Jagmeet is going to have to
get prejudice if he wants to be the

first Muslim prime minister.

Jagmeet isn't a Muslim. He's...

Yeah, but how many Quebecers know the
difference?

They already think he's a terrorist.

It's like Canada's Texas over there. I
thought Alberta was Canada's Texas.

Canada has a lot of Texases.

How can Jagmeet pander to those voters
if he's also a person of color?

by attacking any of the literally
thousands of other minorities Quebec

There's a rainbow of scapegoats to
choose from. But his entire platform is

love and courage. Won't Quebec see right
through that? Jagmeet doesn't need to

be fluently hateful, okay? It's like how
Quebecers don't care how well you speak

French as long as you try.

That is not my experience.

Well, I mean... But...

Hold on, can't Jagmeet ignore the
province where 80 % of the population

the niqab ban and just focus on the rest
of the country?

Our poll shows 68 % of respondents
support the ban.

Oh, right. Yeah. We really do have a lot
of Texases.

And that brings us to next week's Point
Counterpoint. Can Jagmeet Singh be

racist enough to win English campus?

Well, that's our show. Thanks for
watching, and that's the last chance

get to see this episode before it goes
into our Disney vault.

You know what I'm saying? I'm hoping.

I guess I don't see you being truthful
enough.

It's weird to accept the NDP leader.

Give up right away.

Can you vote NDP?

No, no, no. I will vote.