All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e03

Tonight on the Beaverton, Donald Trump
escalates tensions with North Korea now

that Kim's missiles are capable of
reaching Robert Mueller's office.

I Love You Daddy is pulled from theaters
to prevent any more of Louis C .K.'s

public masturbation.

And industry leaders warn that sexual
misconduct allegations against Canadian

celebrities will happen as soon as
Canada has celebrities.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the show your
parents put on full volume so you don't

hear them having sex.

I'm the boy who learned to knock Miguel
Rivas. And I'm Emma Hunter barging right

in.

Our top story, after Saudi Arabia
kidnapped the Prime Minister of Lebanon

forced him to resign, Justin Trudeau
says there's nothing we can do besides

Saudi Arabia even more arms.

The Liberal government says that Saudi
Arabia has been a key ally and valued

customer for years.

And while Canada may not agree with
kidnapping heads of state, we have no

but to profit from it.

However, Trudeau says that he's willing
to look the other way on a simple coup.

If Saudi Arabia starts a war, they will
face severe sanctions, including coexist

bumper stickers attached to all new
labs, no more free shipping, and a

worded coupon.

The comedy community was rocked this
week by news of Louis C .K.'s sexual

misconduct. The revelations have left
men in the industry grappling with the

shocking realization they'll have to
behave themselves for like two or three

weeks.

In a statement, C .K. advised that he
would now step back and take some time

listen and then write a gritty stand -up
special that cashes in on the

controversy.

C .K. joins a slew of disgraced
celebrities who have no problem

public eye after just a few years,
including Sean Penn and Mel Gibson.

In related news, all three are set to
star in Daddy's Home 3 out Christmas

In the wake of his underage sex assault
allegations, Senate candidate Roy Moore

is using canvassing as an opportunity to
go door to door telling neighbors he's

a sex offender.

Moore says he's excited to talk to
people face to face about immigration

economy, and also about that thing he
may soon have to disclose to everyone

living in a three mile radius.

But the main issue Moore wants to
discuss is family values, like how

it is these days for a 70 -year -old man
to find a date to junior prom.

Moore's base is thrilled at the chance
to meet their next senator and are

keeping their eyes peeled for his
distinctive unmarked white campaign van.

Mark Zuckerberg says he was disturbed by
Facebook's role in the 2016 election,

promising to never again help put an
unqualified billionaire in office until

runs in 2020.

Zuckerberg vowed to crack down on fake
news posts and only allow 100 % factual

Zuckerberg -approved stories about the
campaign.

Not to be outdone, Google CEO Sundar
Pichai has also announced his candidacy,

promising not to manipulate search
results to his advantage, unless it

like the other guy is winning.

2020 is seen as a two -horse race
between Google and Facebook, especially

that the Bing campaign has dropped out
after unsuccessfully asking dozens of

times if it could be America's default
candidate.

Of course, thanks to Zuckerberg,
Facebook is a great place to have

arguments with our acquaintances'
relatives.

But now there's an easier way to get
your point across.

For more, here's the Beaverton's Dave
Barclay.

Imagine, finding out about a major world
event, and you haven't posted about it

on social media.

Luckily, Facebook's here to help you
look as woke as you want to be with

autofill activism.

When a topic starts trending, Facebook
responds for you, letting you weigh in

everything in a way that says, this is
an issue, and I'm aware of it.

Facebook stays on brand with your
beliefs by using the personal

been quietly collecting for years. So
you can rest assured that if there's a

shooting, Facebook will know which side
of the debate you're on.

And best of all, you don't even need to
sign in. Just sit back, relax, and let

Facebook stay on top of issues for you
by changing your avatar to reflect your

support for causes, using vague but
uplifting hashtags to indicate where you

stand, and letting people know how
you're affected by the death of a

Even if there isn't a bandwagon to jump
on, Facebook will remind people how

informed you are by reposting think
pieces with the comment this.

Thanks to autofill activism, Facebook's
finally able to become what it was

always intended to be, a user -free
utopia of endless content by and equally

no one.

For the Beaverton, I'm Dave Barclay.

Thanks, Dave.

As Justin Trudeau's recent visit to the
APEC summit has shown, Canada has no

shortage of suitors eager to replace the
U .S. as our primary trading partner

should Donald Trump decide to add NAFTA
to his long list of costly divorces.

Joining us now with an update fresh from
her seat at the negotiating table is

our own Laura Silowitz.

Who, if I'm not mistaken, is wearing the
same clothes I saw you in three days

ago? You are not mistaken.

Canada is out there and loving every
second of our newfound freedom. This is

best thing that's ever happened to us.

Is it, though? I know that we in the U
.S. are going through a rough patch

now, but they've been a pretty steady
and reliable partner.

More like reliably unappreciative.

It's like, don't shit -talk our lumber
to your friends at the U .N. and then

call us up late at night begging for
some of that cheap good wood.

Have you tried talking to them?

Why bother?

They don't listen to our needs. They're
only interested in one thing, laying

some pipeline.

Granted, America is not without its
flaws, but who else out there can

Canada's needs as a serial trade
monogamist?

The United Kingdom, for one.

We've got a ton of history together.
Plus, they're going through a messy

of their own and looking to settle down
with a new trading partner.

Red flag. You never use an ex to get
over another ex. Plus, they're poor, and

we're practically related.

Okay, um, well, what about Germany?

Ugh, the missionary position of trade?
No thanks.

There's always South Korea.

Is there always going to be South Korea?

Good point. I mean... Good point.

Who are we even kidding? Miguel's right.
We don't want to break up with America.

They're the ones that want to leave. And
who can blame them? We're 150 years

old.

And frigid.

No wonder it's been years since I
touched our oil sands.

Look, look.

America is just going through a midlife
crisis. We just have to ride this out

until it passes.

But what if it doesn't?

Well, hey, hey. Then we'll just call up
Mexico and convince them to have a trade

three -way with us in China. That'll
make America crazy jealous.

I mean, I guess Canada could finally
accept all those invites we keep getting

that TPP key party.

Exactly! But hey, look out for Japan. I
hear they're into some weird exports.

Laura Silovitz, everyone.

When we come back, should U of T keep
providing legitimacy to alt -right

ideologue Jordan Peterson? Or does that
question contain its own answer?

You've seen the prairies, hiked the
Rocky Mountains, and touched a

Now there's another reason to visit
Canada, fresh water.

While our low population density makes
us an unlikely target for things,

Canada's real jewel is its seemingly
endless supply of the fresh, potable

humanity needs to survive what comes
next.

Whatever that is.

Kayak in it. Dive in it. Look across it
for raiding parties.

all while remaining safe and properly
hydrated.

Look, we're not saying an international
crisis is going to happen.

But if it did, wouldn't you want to be
in Canada already, instead of fighting

your way through gas gangs and
radioactive cannibal cults to get here?

So take your next vacation in Canada,
because, hey, anything can happen.

TD Bank is moving forward with a
controversial plan to charge monthly

fees to people who don't bank with them.

The Financial Institute has been
criticized for pushing unnecessary

onto their customers.

Now they're targeting a new demographic,
everyone else.

In a press release, TD said, For too
long, too many people have enjoyed the

convenience of paying no dollars to not
bank with us.

Meanwhile, BMO is also offering their
own new product, a no -fee checking

account for any customers hiding over a
million dollars offshore.

After an announced charter challenge,
the Quebec government is scrambling to

uphold its controversial niqab ban by
amending the law to prevent anyone who

wears the niqab from suing them over the
niqab ban.

Just as previous amendments clarify that
Muslim women who wear the veil can

visit a public library but just not take
out a book, the new one will clarify

that they can enter court, they just
can't use it to defend their rights.

Added one spokesperson, it's also about
identification. If they don't remove

their covering, how will we know which
of the thousands of women we've

is in the room?

A leak from the White House has revealed
Donald Trump is miserable after

realizing that his entire presidency is
just his family's way of putting him

into assisted living.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, the
source added, Dad is a 70 -year -old man

prone to outbursts.

Why do you think he keeps proposing the
same failed legislation?

He literally doesn't remember that he's
already tried multiple times.

Staff at the White Home for Seniors keep
Donald busy with activities like social

hour, imagination time, and creative
writing.

Of course, social conservatives are
trying to create a big tent movement by

reaching beyond its current base of
Baptists and gun -owning Baptists.

We now go to Donovan Stinson with a
story on how that tent might be getting

bigger.

If the Canadian right wants to remain
relevant, it has to broaden its base.

One of their unlikely targets of
opportunity has become the LGBTQ

After learning I'd recently become a gay
icon, I decided to see how the

conservatives plan on courting a group
they've spent decades ostracizing. We've

evolved on homosexuality ever since we
discovered that our position on the

marriage debate had become unelectable.

Sure. But are right -wing leaders doing
anything tangible? I mean, other than

coming up with more plausible excuses
not to attend pride parades? We have a

tried -and -true method of switching
people to our team. It's called

therapy. Wait, we're still doing that?

Yes. Amazingly, it's still legal in most
provinces.

Really? The efficacy of conversion
therapy has been universally disproved,

Matthew is adapting the method for
changing sexual orientation to focus

political orientation, converting gay
men to vote conservative.

Gay men are statistically higher income
earners and less likely to have

children. So why should they care about
welfare or universal child care or

whatever perversions the left is
peddling? Okay, well, that's not true.

I mean, the LGBTQ community is very
diverse.

They're passionate about social justice,
women's rights, intersectionality. To

be clear, we're only focusing on the G
part of the acronym.

Demonizing women issues is step one in
our liberal aversion therapy.

No problem. I had to see for myself how
Metamorphosis Cove was transposing their

techniques to political conversions.

The outdated, pseudoscientific methods
ranged from ineffective... You believe

Quebec is right about the niqab. ...to
horrifying.

Like the electroshocks I received to
make me associate reading salon think

pieces on race relations with fearing
pain.

Or their attempts to rid me of my
beliefs in Keynesian economic theory.

But while this new form of conversion is
just as ineffective and dangerous as

the ex -gay movement, there was one
positive that came out of this

experience.

Meeting like -minded people with shared
values and desires.

Like Kevin, my environmentalist
roommate, together we're organizing a

effort to stop the Trans Mountain
Pipeline. For the Beaverton, I'm Donovan

Stinson.

Thanks, Donovan.

Here at the Beaverton, we aren't above
cravenly hopping on the nostalgia

bandwagon. And that's why the Globe and
Mail has described us as the Fuller

House of Canadian Basic Cable.

Uh, I don't think that was a compliment.
And that brings us to this week's

edition of Way Back One Day.

Tonight, we take a trip back to 1994,
the year Ace Ventura introduced us to

breakout star that went on to define the
next decade of comedy, transphobia.

Whether it was Jim Carrey vomiting when
Einhorn was single, or Chandler using

Kathleen Turner's portrayal of his dad
as a gay panic punchline, transphobia

everywhere. In fact, transphobia was the
most bankable star since racism's

heartwarming performance in Ted Danson's
blackface routine.

Its career got so hot, it became part of
the legendary Hollywood hack pack,

alongside offensive accents, mocking the
disabled, and Michael Richards.

But while transphobia's career may be on
the downswing now that shows like

Transparent have made it seem passe, it
still continues to find steady character

work with Seth MacFarlane.

Still, from hackneyed crying game
references to naked gun sequels where

least objectionable thing is O .J.
Simpson, the mid-'90s was a golden age

casual bigotry, and transphobia was its
biggest star.

When we come back, we'll examine the
next comedic trope that will be

we laughed at five years from now. At
who impressions, prison rape jokes, but

mostly also still transphobia.

Coming up later on the Beaverton.

Canada Post celebrates the anniversary
of the Halifax explosion with an

exploding stamp.

Leonardo DiCaprio marks the 20th
anniversary of Titanic by dating a girl

the year it was released.

And PBS Kids unveils its gritty new
series, Odd Squad Criminal Intent.

To the sports world now, from big hits
to replaying big hits over and over

until violence is meaningless, we go to
Luke and Pat.

Tonight on the show, Connor McDavid
opens a hockey school for

Edmonton Oilers players.

NFL fans take comfort in the knowledge
that the hit that will end Tom Brady's

career is creeping ever closer.

And Ottawa football fans are set to host
the quietest Grey Cup ever.

Welcome to BSN, I'm Luke and he's Pat.
We're like a poor man's Jay and Dan or a

billionaire's Tim and Sid.

Up first, Alexander Ovechkin had thrown
his support behind the re -election of

Vladimir Putin.

Ovi said he was particularly impressed
with Putin's economic policy, foreign

policy, and not poisoning Ovechkin's
family policy.

In a viral post, Ovechkin said,
President Putin is strong leader. Also,

don't hurt my babushka.

Ovechkin's pro -Putin ads have been well
-received on Russia's most popular

social media platform, state -sponsored
surveillance.

And finally tonight, hockey parents.

The backbone of Canadian sport and the
full -down -seat minivan industry.

With the nation's minor hockey leagues
in full swing, Luke went out to see how

new hockey parents are adjusting to the
lifestyle.

For years, Canada's hockey parents have
been livening up games with their fun

cheers and terrible behavior.

But with thousands of them taking their
kids to rinks for the first time, how do

they learn the tricks of their new
trade?

That's where Ty Dusseau comes in. He is
the world's premier hockey parent coach.

Remember, you have to start screaming at
the ref.

early linda let me hear you yell hey
zebra get off your knees and stop

this game oh i'm not really comfortable
saying those kinds of things god damn it

linda take a look i understand you
personally created the technique

where you freeze your child out after
losses but buy them ice cream after win

Yeah, but that's strictly for my AAA
parents.

These house leaguers still got to learn
the basics for creating a culture of

toxic masculinity.

Pick up the baseline now!

When the other team has a two -on -one,
you're going to want to blow on one of

these. Make them think that the linesman
called them offside.

Now, for your last lesson, my new friend
Luke has agreed to assist me.

Now, this is how you fight a parent from
the other team.

What? And get in there with some of
this.

Ty showed me his tricks for committing
aggravated assaults, including a

technique for jerseying he believes won
his estranged son's team the city

championship.

Linda!

Photo time, let's go! For this coach,
though, it isn't about trophies. You

better be smiling.

It's about seeing the joy in a 45 -year
-old's face as he throws his coffee at a

chartered accountant.

That, and the $300 an hour he makes.

For BSN, I'm Luke Gordon -Field.

Great job, Luke. I am in a lot of pain.

Makes sense. Next week on BSN, we count
down this NBA season's top 700 bounce

passes.

Welcome

back.

With the Liberals increasing funding for
conservation areas and national parks,

the oil industry is accusing the
government of being in the pocket of the

endangered species lobby.

According to one oil sand spokesperson,
those subsidies should be going to job

creators like us, not these fat wildcats
with their luxurious fur coats.

In related news, Environment Minister
Catherine McKenna has not yet commented

accusations she was wined and dined at
an upscale restaurant by a registered

beluga whale lobbyist.

Revenge porn.

where men post explicit images without
permission of the women who were smart

enough to leave them.

But now a new website is turning the
tables on the perpetrators.

Revenge Revenge Porn allows you to watch
offenders get double -teamed by the

criminal and justice system.

Some of the site's most popular videos
include Creepy Ex -Hubby Takes All Eight

Years of Hard Time, Barely Legal Dirtbag
Gets Handcuffed in Front of Stepdad,

and Nasty Perp Gets Slammed into
Pavement by Big Black Cop.

Many clips are as long as 30 minutes,
although most visitors admit they came

after five.

This weekend, while Canadians from coast
to coast spent Remembrance Day

commemorating our fallen soldiers, we
looked past the fact that we're

screwing over the ones that are still
alive.

And that is the subject of tonight's
Between the Headlines.

In 2006, the Harper government abolished
pensions for injured veterans,

presumably to use the money for more
important things like silencing civil

servants and buying thousands of copies
of Harper's Hockey Book.

Justin Trudeau promised to change all
that in 2015.

Unfortunately, it was a campaign
promise, meaning he's contractually

to not follow through.

It's easy to see why this hasn't been a
priority.

Veterans' benefits are not as sexy as
holding two pandas or as glamorous as

socks.

But that doesn't excuse their inaction,
or the fact that they are now limiting

disability payments to active soldiers.

In fact, the liberal approach to
Canada's veterans has not been so much

forget as it has been oops we forgot.

So while it's great that the PM doesn't
want to send our troops into conflict

zones, maybe giving them back their
pensions would help save the 2 ,000

veterans from an equally deadly
environment, the streets of Canada in

wintertime.

Because the only people who should have
to train hard, go through grueling

physical trials on behalf of our
country, only to return to an

government that has cut their funding,
are Canada's Olympic athletes.

Well, that's our show. Join us next week
when we explore how, for the first time

ever, a computer has beaten a human at
mixed martial arts.

I'm not joking with you.