All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e02

Tonight on the Beaverton.

After the Paradise Papers, Elizabeth May
discloses the knitted boots she sold on

Etsy.

In yet another bombshell, former DNC
chair Donna Brazile alleges she has a

you should buy.

And the hero who deleted Trump's Twitter
account remains anonymous, so we never

need to find out about their past as a
sexual abuser.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the only
satirical news show that dares to

Donald Trump.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm
your favorite host, Emma Hunter.

Our top story, the CBC's Paradise Papers
investigation revealed that offshore

Canadian wealth is costing us $6 billion
in tax revenue, or enough money for a

thousand seasons of Heartland.

But now, Bill Morneau is vowing to stop
wealthy Canadians from hiding money

overseas by turning Toronto's Centre
Island into an offshore tax haven.

Not only does this technically count as
a promise kept, it will also create

dozens of new jobs for Canada's most
highly skilled workers, white -collar

criminals.

While Panama and the Isle of Man will
remain the places to hide taxable

wealthy Canadians could easily hide
millions in Centre Island's secure

facilities, like its many trees, holes
in the ground, or the part of the nude

beach that's all weird old dudes.

Scheer has blasted Governor General
Julie Payette over recent pro -science

remarks he says are harming Canada's ark
building industry.

According to Scheer, Payette's remarks
are offensive to the millions of

Canadians who work daily to build giant
boats filled with heterosexual animals.

Not to mention those who work in
Canada's loaf and fish sector or are

professional brother killers.

Scheer concluded by saying how
disappointed he was on behalf of

indigenous religions.

Muslims, Jews, Sikhs, but mostly
Christians.

Mark Zuckerberg had a new memory on his
wall today. It's been one year since his

social platform accidentally helped rig
the U .S. election.

The post, including a picture of
Zuckerberg driving a dump truck of

reminded him of the time thousands of
Russian attack ads shaped the campaign.

Many were shared millions of times.
Others were not as successful.

The attack campaign was so influential
that traditional media are now getting

with the times and selling ad space to
Russian operatives.

Facebook has vowed to stop this kind of
voting interference, but somehow

Vladimir Putin has made it to the very
competitive top eight in this season of

NBC's The Voice.

Wow.

In recent months, many Indigenous
Canadians have come forward to protest

practice of naming schools after
colonial figures like John A. Macdonald.

However, one reserve has announced
they'd be willing to name their school

anybody, as long as the government
actually builds them one.

According to band council leaders, we
don't care if they call it the

Institution for Hitler Studies, as long
as it has teachers, desks, and no

affiliation with the Catholic Church.

In related news, Indigenous Affairs
Minister Carolyn Bennett has cut the

at one reserve's water treatment plant,
which was named after the oil company

who contaminated their water in the
first place.

When people think of Winnipeg, they
often quickly think of something else.

We go now to Marilla Wex, who doesn't
have that option.

Winnipeg, gateway to the West, the
Chicago of the North.

Yellowknife of the South and home to the
Canadian Museum for Human Rights.

As part of its mandate to bear witness
to human rights abuses, the museum has

opened a new gallery focusing on the
area of Winnipeg literally a kilometre

north of the museum.

The exhibit will allow patrons to
experience the racism and economic

endemic to modern Winnipeg, all within
the comfort of a sparkling $300 million

facility built in one of Canada's most
neglected urban areas.

The Kids Discovery Zone will give
wealthy children hands -on learning

experiences with used syringes, while
expensive VR technology will let grown

-ups know how it feels to be racially
profiled by the police who are doing it

real time 800 metres away.

If the systemic indifference is too much
for privileged museum -goers to handle,

they can take a break by enjoying $15
eggs bennies at the Museum Bistro.

Many have wondered why some of the $300
million invested into the Museum for

Human Rights wasn't used to combat
actual human rights problems.

However, a spokesperson replied,

if we solved systemic oppression, we'd
lose out on a powerful moving exhibit.

You just can't put a price on human
rights.

Awareness. For the Beaverton, I'm
Marilla Wex in Winnipeg.

Thanks, Marilla.

Moving on to Alberta, where Premier
Rachel Notley's onerous carbon tax has

forced every single one of the
province's 4 .2 million citizens into

prostitution.

The exorbitant tax, which costs the
average Albertan $191 a year, not

the $200 rebate, has the entire province
turning tricks to pay their electricity

bills. Bills which have skyrocketed
since every resident started putting on

red light.

According to United Conservative Party
Madam Jason Kenney, resorting to the

world's oldest profession is literally
the only way we can afford to pay what

still one of the lowest tax rates in the
country.

Also, do you like what you see?

Climate change. It's what will choke,
burn, and drown all our future

And yet, climate change denial has long
been a main pillar of the Republican

rhombus.

But with the UN convening in Germany
this week for a conference on the

the Trump administration has issued a
report confirming that global warming is

indeed man -made. For more on this
stunning about -face, here's our own

Sillivant. Thanks for having me.

Laura, what was the tipping point that
caused so many conservatives to stop

denying climate change?

The research I've seen shows that there
is no evidence that climate change

denial has ever happened.

It's a liberal hoax, like trans fats or
the wage gap.

So you're a climate change denier.
Denier? I prefer climate change denier

skeptic. All the models that demonstrate
climate change deniers exist are

unreliable. There's just no proof.

Laura, big oil companies fabricated junk
science about the Earth cooling for

years to sway public opinion on global
warming. This is public record.

I don't see how the two are related.

Are you really arguing that climate
change denial doesn't exist?

No, of course not. Not at all. Of course
climate change denial exists, but it's

not caused by humans.

But we can see the very real effects
caused by people who overtly deny

change. A confused and divided public,
Trump subsidies to develop a coal

-powered car.

Miguel, lots of things confuse and
divide the public. Remember that blue

dress thing on Facebook?

So if climate change deniers don't
exist, why is there still any debate at

The back and forth of the climate change
debate is a naturally occurring

process. It has always gone in cycles of
evidence being presented, world leaders

taking group photos, and no action being
taken.

That's pretty depressing.

The truth is humans are too
insignificant to have any real impact on

change discussion.

That actually sounds right.

Laura Thilevitz, everyone.

Rebel media refuses to stop calling
Environment Minister Catherine McKenna

climate Barbie, a term that is as sexist
as it is inaccurate, since as far as we

know, Barbie was excellent at her job.

Using personally insulting nicknames
against someone you disagree with

politically is beneath all of us. Which
is why we at the Beaverton would never

come up with insulting personal
nicknames for Ezra Levant.

For example, we wouldn't dare call him
Dog Whistle Ken Doll.

Nor would we call him Teddy Cuxpin.

Or Slander Me Elmo.

Or the Islamophobic Cabbage Patch Kid.

Because we here at the Beaverton...

integrity after the break we find out
which selfish celebrity is trying to

their death all about them

elected Valerie Plante as the first
female mayor in its 375 -year history

week, officially making it the most
progressive city in North America.

Plante's victory was especially well
-received by Montreal's most influential

voting bloc, the mafia, who are relieved
to spend the next four years trying to

bribe Plante at only 87 cents on the
dollar.

In her victory speech, Plant says her
first order of business will be to

Montreal's infrastructure from, quote,
what I can only assume was some kind of

drone strike.

Last week, Kathleen Wynne announced LCBO
-run marijuana shops are coming to 15

cities across the province. But Ontario
mayors are complaining the premier is

light on details, noting Wynne will only
give them information if they're

willing to stay and play video games
for, like, 20 minutes.

The mayors also reported that Wynne
tried to sell mayors on other harder

information when all they wanted was the
information on marijuana.

Guelph mayor Cam Guthrie said that when
he met her, she kept asking if I'd been

followed. She then went on and on about
this one Dalton McGinty speech that

syncs up perfectly with Dark Side of the
Moon.

But she couldn't get it to work.

Moving forward, the mayors have agreed
they need to have the uncomfortable

conversation making it clear that Wynne
is not their friend, she's just their

premier.

With more on how the existing players in
the legal drug game are adapting to the

new rules, here's the Michael Jordan of
putting drugs in your butt to cross

international borders, Donovan Stinson.

For the liberals, legalizing pot may
have been an electable campaign promise,

but with the legislative delays and
pointless raids on dispensaries, turning

to be bad policy.

Many of the licenses to cultivate weed
were offered to companies with deep ties

to the pharmaceutical industry and even
deeper pockets to lobby federal

regulators.

Which begs the question, just how is Big
Pharma planning to ruin legal weed for

the rest of us?

Okay, well, we are going to
revolutionize the way the pot is

distributed, and, well, abused.

Yeah, and by applying what we've learned
from our work with opioids.

We're pretty convinced that we can turn
legal weed into the next national

crisis.

That's your goal.

In China, the word crisis is comprised
of two characters, right? One meaning

opportunity and the other meaning for
profit.

Well, there's two things that I learned
from my tattoo artist. One, you're only

half right.

And two, marijuana isn't nearly as
addictive as the prescription

that she sells me.

True, no, marijuana may not be
particularly habit -forming, but to that

challenge accepted.

Challenge accepted.

Yeah, oh, no, I got it. We are really
excited about our new slow -release

cannabis pill.

Slow -release.

Yeah, and because the medicinal benefits
of pot are so ill -defined, I mean, we

can recommend these for pretty much
anything.

Thank you very much.

I mean, listen, we already know how to
make our patients hopelessly dependent

our products.

But imagine what we could accomplish if
we didn't have to go through those

detestable middlemen. Right, drug
dealers.

No, doctors.

No, no, you can't imagine the amount of
money we waste trying to influence

physicians at medical conferences with
no guarantee that they'll over

-prescribe. But isn't the government
already your middleman? I mean, they're

already controlling distribution.

Well, once we jack up the prices, we'll
easily be able to sell our schwag to the

black market to undercut them. Sure.

You know, thereby creating that two
-tiered system that we've spent years

lobbying for.

Clearly, big pharma can harsh any buzz.

But if there's one thing that can take
the edge off a progressive issue being

-opted by corporate interests, it's this
sample that Lisa gave me of her new

line of joints that are pre -rolled with
fentanyl patches.

Hey,

at least the first taste is free.

For the Beaverton, I'm Donovan. Oh,
that's going to be a problem for sure.

Thanks, Donovan. We're all praying for
your swift recovery.

Donald Trump has declared opioids a
public health emergency, freeing up $57

,000, or one new Subaru's worth, in
crisis spending.

But crack and meth also remain
widespread killers.

Jennifer Benson joins us from the
National Task Force on Drug Abuse.

Jennifer, how can we help people
addicted to crack?

We found the best treatment we can offer
is to get them addicted to heroin.

I'm sorry?

Society sees crack addicts as scary and
urban, but it's more inclined to see

opioid users as good people who've lost
their way.

So you help them to help them. That's
pretty smart, John.

Is it?

Think about it. Philip Seymour Hoffman's
heroin overdose was a tragic death of

despair, but Rick James' addiction is a
punchline for suburban white guys who

like the Chappelle Show for the wrong
reasons.

I never thought the blind Klansman
sketch was open to interpretation until

joined Twitter.

As far as the public is concerned, crack
cocaine is something that people do,

but opioids are something that happens
to people.

You know, it's almost as though there's
some sort of demographic reason for

that.

Is this program only for crack users,
then? Oh, no.

Anyone can get in on the crisis.

Meth heads, angel dusters, speed fiends,
gamblers, Xbox junkies. As long as

they're white, we've got them.

Okay. And are there any other
initiatives the U .S. government is

Nope.

Like, at all?

I mean, we'd like to do more, but all
our staff have been arrested for heroin

possession.

Thanks, Jennifer.

After the break, we meet the progressive
veteran who can tell us about his

mission firebombing Tokyo without using
racial slurs.

Coming

up

later on the Beaverton.

Does the Illuminati have a diversity
problem?

Roger Goodell is quietly hoping brain
injuries will cause NFL players to

what they're protesting.

And the TTC revealed its latest
merchandise, a perfume that smells like

smell. You know, the smell.

After a record month of gun violence,
Republican lawmakers have had enough,

unanimously passing legislation to
combat the root cause of mass shootings,

public gatherings.

The Freedom from Liberty Bill protects
Americans by making a criminal

check and psych evaluation mandatory
before they set foot inside a mall,

or movie theater.

The co -sponsor of the bill explained,
why should guns be punished when we're

the ones openly congregating in schools
and outdoor concerts?

Places where guns have a Second
Amendment right to be.

After all, you can't have a mass
shooting without math.

The Halifax Education Board is getting
rid of obsolete programs like debate

clubs and replacing them with cutting
-edge programs like online debate clubs.

The new clubs eschew the parliamentary
style in favor of Facebook mock debates,

where users win arguments by mocking
people.

As one grade 12 student put it, I've
learned that if you call someone a

dangerous fascist or a moronic libtard
and then walk away from your computer,

you win.

That's the kind of skill I'll need if I
want to be a world leader one day.

The city of Toronto has released a new
line of green food waste bins. They say

are finally raccoon proof.

The new bins come with thicker plastic,
a thumbprint scanner, facial recognition

technology, and remote detonating laser
guided knife missiles.

The city's only concern is that these
bins will kill the weaker raccoons,

accidentally creating a horrifying trash
panda master race.

Some residents report raccoons are
already using sophisticated cyber

overwhelm the bins and then knocking
them over to get at the trash.

When we come back, director Ron Howard
reveals how the young Han Solo film will

explore his awkward goth phase.

I'll do that.

Welcome back. An alarming new study by
Health Canada on children's smartphone

use has experts concerned that an entire
generation isn't being raised by

television.

The study found smartphones were raising
today's kids as lonely tech addicts,

whereas TV raised previous generations
to be stable, weed -addled couch

potatoes.

It also warned that without shows like
Friends to light the way, kids could

out on such key life lessons as Friends
Are Good and It's Fun to Make Homophobic

Jokes.

New sexual assault allegations against
Kevin Spacey, Dustin Hoffman, and Jeremy

Piven have fans rushing to finish the
works of their favorite artists before

they're revealed to be sexual predators.

Insiders say swirling rumors of Louis C
.K.'s sexual misconduct has led to a 10

,000 % increase in binge -watching his
stand -up specials, and even convinced

viewers to sit through all of Horace and
Pete.

Gross. I know, the accusations are
pretty upsetting. No, I mean Horace and

Director Brett Ratner, who was accused
of assault by six women this week, is

said to be the lone exception to this
phenomenon, as no one wanted to see his

movies in the first place.

In the wake of revelations that
Hollywood's harassment problem affects

as young as 14, people are talking about
the way we sexualize teenage girls.

From Stranger Things Millie Bobby Brown
to schoolgirls being told the way they

dress distracts male peers.

The controversy is the subject of
tonight's Point Counterpoint. Should

more revealing clothes to level out the
playing field? Miguel, what do you

think? I can't believe that you're still
allowed within 500 meters of a school.

No. I'm not talking about anything
pervy. I'm just saying a little less

school bus and a little more magic mic.

Well, it sounds to me like you just want
to objectify boys.

It may be disgusting, Miguel, but it is
the only way we are going to achieve

equality. And we have got a lot of work
to do if we're going to teach young men

that their only value in this world is
as the object of female sexual desire.

Emma, no, no, no. We shouldn't be
objectifying anyone.

And boys should be able to focus and
restrain themselves regardless of what

girls choose to wear.

Yeah, and in a perfect world, we could
build a base on the sun and put braces

sharks.

But science teaches us that young men
are thirsty id monsters who, and this is

true, have genitals on the outside of
their bodies.

That is ridiculous.

Look between your legs, Miguel.

No, I know. Look, I'll admit it, we have
a long way to go. But why can't we

start with teaching boys to respect
girls regardless of their appearance?

But wouldn't it just be easier to force
boys into being constantly consumed with

achieving unattainable beauty standards?
Or reinforce the idea that even if

they're cool, smart, athletic,
interesting, no one is going to like

they have huge boobs?

So, hold on. You want to live in a world
where teenage boys are riddled with

self -doubt and feel like they're
constantly being judged based on how

look? Yeah.

Equality.

Thanks so much for tuning in. Now let's
just sit here quietly until next week's

show.

I don't know. I haven't watched the
video. I don't know editing at all.