All language subtitles for the_beaverton_s02e01

Tonight on the Beaverton, after the
election of the young and handsome

Singh, does Canada finally have its own
Justin Trudeau?

For the third year in a row, the most
popular Halloween costume is sexy

And Kevin Spacey bravely comes out as a
sexual predator.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the only news
show you are currently watching.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm
series lead, Emma Hunter.

Before we begin tonight, with so much
going on in the world, it's been

impossible to keep up on all the news
stories that have occurred since we've

last been on the air.

So here's a quick recap of everything
that's happened.

They didn't report what I said, by the
way.

On to new business.

Our top story.

Former Trump campaign chair Paul
Manafort has been indicted on 12

charges, including conspiracy against
the United States. Or, as Fox News

reported it, guy who once met Hillary
Clinton at a dinner party has been

indicted on 12 criminal charges.

Even though the charges do not relate to
campaign activities, liberals around

the world are celebrating the imminent
demise of Donald Trump's presidency.

Now, the only thing standing in their
way is for Manafort to agree to

with authorities, for him to have
evidence to implicate Trump, for Trump

fire Mueller, for a Republican Congress
to begin impeachment proceedings, and

for the hate -filled forces of racism
that gave rise to Trump to go away

quietly.

So, if all goes according to plan, Trump
could be out of the White House by

January 2025.

Of course, even if Trump is impeached,
there's still Mike Pence and everyone

else in the line of succession.

However, nearly all of them are accused
of also being complicit in Trump's ties

to Russia.

Save for 18th in line, Elaine Duke,
Secretary of Homeland Security.

This leaves American democracy in
serious danger of a worst -case

Its first female president.

Panic over this possibility has gripped
the halls of Congress with GOP Senator

Marco Rubio saying, in these dire times,
can we really trust a woman not to be

emotional, vindictive, and catty all the
time?

Sources say that Trump is ready for
whatever charges Mueller lays against

noting that the president has spent the
past year establishing an airtight

insanity defense.

With Trump's impromptu threats of
nuclear war, incoherent Twitter account,

inability to differentiate between wife
Melania and her endless supply of

refurbished Michael Jackson body
doubles, experts say the president's

mental illness is, ironically, the only
thing about him that's unimpeachable.

Sadly for Trump, House and Senate
Republicans are said to have a

plan in place for an insanity plea,
moving the president into a different

House.

Insiders say Paul Manafort is unfazed by
his indictment and is expected to do

well in prison as a former lobbyist for
the Latin King.

Between working for third world
dictators and pro -Russia forces in

Manafort spent a brief stint with a
notorious prison gang, petitioning the

government to loosen regulations around
stabbing.

Manafort can also expect protection from
Steve Bannon's buddies in the Aryan

Nation. Plus, whatever prison status he
can buy with a cigarette, he's been

f***ed. hoarding since Mueller's
investigation began.

While Manafort denies colluding with
Russia, federal investigators are

into allegations that he makes
particularly good toilet borscht.

It's been a rough couple of months for
Justin Trudeau, from backlash over his

broken campaign promises to being
replaced by Jagmeet Singh on the cover

political issue of Tiger Bean.

But things are starting to look up,
after a recent survey showed that

still polling extremely high among his
core supporters, people who don't live

Canada.

Respondents were particularly impressed
with the Prime Minister's geopolitical

bromances, perfect bone structure, and
inability to sell their arms to Saudi

Arabia.

But despite Trudeau's international
popularity, experts warn that the PM

lose ground to another Canadian party
leader winning the hearts and minds of

German voters.

As wildfires ravage Northern
California's famous wine country, it has

wondering, should we be taking in more
sommelier refugees?

Trudeau has committed to resettling the
entire displaced Somali population by

the end of the year, which won't be
difficult, as there are only 76 of them.

But the conservatives are pushing back.
Andrew Scheer has denounced opening our

borders to the California migrants,
fearing that foreign -born Somalias will

unable to assimilate into our mainstream
cultural establishments, like Moxie's

or Kelsey's.

While Justin Trudeau talks a big game
about embracing refugees, statistics say

otherwise. For more, we go to our own
Marilla Wex.

After taking in less than 0 .001 % of
the world's refugees in 2017,

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has
promised to make it up to the

community by really making an effort
during the next humanitarian crisis.

As a show of good faith to millions of
displaced peoples, today in Parliament,

Trudeau took an historic step in
tackling the global emergency by signing

landmark IOU.

Non -binding, of course.

Since the horrors of the Holocaust,
Canada has thought of itself as a

haven for persecuted migrants the world
over.

As long as they don't travel on boats
filled with gross, huddled masses.

Despite keeping the cuts to
international aid made by the Harper

tweeting refugees welcome without
increasing the federal refugee cap,

prided itself in its solemn pledge of
never again, next time. According to the

PMO, when it comes to accepting those
seeking asylum, complacency is our

strength.

So, barring any future unforeseen
conflicts or global climate

refugees worldwide will probably be able
to finally call Canada home eventually.

For the Beaverton, I'm Marilla Wex.

Thanks, Marilla.

A recent Freedom of Information audit
revealed the Trudeau government is even

less transparent than the Conservatives
were under Stephen Harper. It's the

subject of tonight's Point Counterpoint.
Has Canada's relationship with Trudeau

hit a rough patch?

Or is Justin just trying to keep the
mystery alive?

No, I think he's trying to conceal
behavior that contradicts his carefully

curated image as a thoughtful,
progressive feminist.

Yes, because that's who we fell in love
with. Just because we're out of the

honeymoon phase and into the okay
marriage phase doesn't mean we need to

Justin going to bed with his mouth guard
in.

Well, we do if it helps us see the flaws
he's trying to hide.

Oh my God, Miguel, grow up. Everybody
lies at the start of a relationship.

My eHarmony profile says that I have
good credit, no criminal record, and

my name is Blake Lively.

Pretty sure that's just catfishing. Yes,
and catfishing is what politics is all

about. Justin tells us that he cares
about gender equality and indigenous

rights, and in turn, we tell him that we
care about electoral reform or keeping

it tight.

How ridiculous.

We kicked Harper out for the exact same
kind of secretive behavior.

That's totally different. We dumped
Harper because he was creepy and gross.

And we were only with him for the money.

But Trudeau doesn't follow through on
any of his promises. Should he really

a free pass just because he says the...
right thing? Well, I think his skilled

mouth has always been one of his best
assets.

Okay, wow.

What about selling weapons to countries
that oppress women, or neglecting boil

water advisories on indigenous reserves?

Absolutely, he is a work in progress,
and that is exactly why we need to let

clean the saliva out of his gross mouth
guard when nobody is looking, and crawl

into bed looking like the Disney prince
we voted for in the first place.

I don't think that that really... So,
after the break, we'll tell you which

southern states will replace their
Confederate statues with monuments to

Wilkes Booth.

Coming up later on the Beaverton.

In the wake of the Me Too movement,
victims of sexual assault are hoping

harassers get famous enough for anyone
to care.

New United Conservative Party leader
Jason Kenney is vowing to return Alberta

a homophobia -based economy.

And men's rights activists promise to go
away forever if we just touch it for

like a second.

A dedicated group of fans are modding
the popular war game Call of Duty. The

game will shift from battling Nazis to
respectfully listening to their side of

the story.

To better reflect the gaming community's
alt -right leanings, players will now

storm the beaches of Normandy to learn
about Germany's economic anxiety.

The game recasts Winston Churchill as
the franchise villain, a butthurt cuck

just didn't get that the Blitz was a
joke.

CEOs of every major corporation in the
world have just resigned over sexual

assault and harassment allegations.

The executives were revealed to have
made unwanted advances towards female

employees over brunch, meetings at hotel
rooms, and during the deposition for

their previous sexual harassment
lawsuits.

The lawyer for all the CEOs said, quote,
my clients deeply regret that they all

got caught, especially at the same time.
They really did not see this coming.

As for whether these suddenly vacant
positions would lead to more female

the boards of every corporation
clarified that no, of course not.

As millions of women continue to go
public with their stories of sexual

millions of men have stepped up on
social media and made it all about them.

Here to further discuss the epidemic of
sexual harassment against women are two

men.

New father Brandon joins us in studio.

Thank you, Miguel.

And thank you, Emma.

I see you.

I hear you.

I believe you.

Thank you.

And Jared joins us from his bachelor
apartment.

Jared, will the Me Too campaign actually
impact the way that men treat women?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

You know, it's really opened my eyes. As
a matter of fact, the next time I see a

guy making a female uncomfortable, I'm
going to call that shit out.

Good for you.

And then I'm going to beat him to within
an inch of his life.

No, no.

That only encourages a vicious cycle of
male aggression and violence.

I totally agree.

See, I understand how the patriarchy
affects women on a day -to -day basis.

As the father of a daughter, the son of
a mother, the superior of a secretary.

Wait, why do women have to be related to
you in some way in order for you to

respect them? They don't. It's just
that...

When my little angel was born,
everything changed, and I finally saw

humans and not just sentient sex dolls.

Yeah, and let's not forget, folks,
statistically speaking, almost every

out there is someone's daughter. I mean,
that's something they don't teach you

in school.

Should you really have to learn it
there?

Okay, hold on. How do you think men
should treat women?

Trust women.

Don't interrupt women.

What about... Listen to women.

Great.

Don't intrude on their personal space.

And do not send dick pics unless a woman
specifically asked for one.

Emma, if any guy ever sends you an
unsolicited D, I will murder them.

much I respect women.

That's exactly the kind of aggressive
behavior she just said she doesn't want.

You have a problem, bro?

Because if you do, I will jump out of
the screen and mess you up, too. Do it.

See what happens. Come on, do it.

Okay, hey. Do it. Okay, all right, hey.

Everyone take a deep, deep breath. Wait.

Let's see where this goes.

Let's not. Thanks for being here, guys.

After the break, more and more Canadian
pediatricians are being asked about

assisted death for kids, specifically
for other people's kids.

With a rundown of the next product we'll
wish Silicon Valley had never invented

but are powerless to stop, here's Dave
Barclay.

Hey, guys.

Social media apps are the best way to
keep in touch with your friends. But all

the fun messages and witty back and
forth seem to dry up the minute your

die. Oh.

I've noticed that, too.

Well, that's about to change.

Introducing Revenant, an app... That
takes a lifetime of posts of a dead

or loved one, feeds them through its
algorithm, and creates a thought that

perfectly mimics their personality to
send you messages throughout the day.

That's terrible.

Facebook already sends me memories of my
dead cousin.

Why would anyone want a service that
does only this?

That's exactly why Revenant allows you
to pay a monthly subscription fee for

them not to do this to you.

Is that my nana?

That's right. for just $14 .99 a month,
you won't be tormented day in, day out

by a sleepless line of code that thinks
it's someone you loved who is gone

forever.

That is a small price to pay.

This is a horrendous idea.

It's worse than that cyberbullying app.

You mean Twitter?

You're right. Why do we even need these
social media apps?

Well, you definitely won't need this
next one.

It takes the algorithms of your dead
loved ones, adds a dash of naughty.

And lets people sex with them.

Oh, my God.

My banshee is being hailed as Tinder for
people who want dirty messages from the

virtual personalities of dead people.

Why would... Why, Dave?

Well, Miguel, it's because some people
need closure.

What if, Dave, and I'm just...

Putting this out there, you didn't want
to sex with one of Miguel's dead

relatives. You mean not anymore?

Well, there's an in -app purchase that
allows you to exchange dirty messages

with your favorite dead celebrities.

Your favorite dead celebrity is Roger
Ailes?

Don't necrofantasy shame me.

Dave Barclay, everyone.

Two months after the Toronto District
School Board suspended a program putting

cops in the classroom, Toronto Police
Services has rolled out a new plan,

their armed officers into homeschools.

According to TPS, the initiative will
build relationships between students and

the police through fun activities like
cops and unarmed robbers.

Officer Simon says, and finger painting.

The pilot program has been hailed by law
and order advocates as a new and

innovative way to funnel kids into the
system.

It promises to start in low -income
neighborhoods and then stay there

For more on the fraught relationship
between Toronto police and minority

let's go to our own Aisha Alpha.

The police.

responsible for keeping our communities
safe and for hiring our friends who

didn't get into the army.

However, new allegations against the
Toronto Police Service are once again

raising the question of whether officers
have a racial bias against black

people. A recent study by the Black
Experience Project found that most black

Torontonians have been improperly
stopped by police.

But why is this happening? I decided to
head to TPS headquarters to have a look

and plot... So it's 10 Oak River?

Yeah. Is that a road or a street?

It's an avenue, actually.

Avenue.

Got it.

Sorry, why did you stop me?

I had a break in down the block and you
matched the description.

Someone broke into a house wearing a
business suit and carrying a microphone.

DeFonte Miller was allegedly beaten by a
Toronto police officer.

Come on.

Avenue, huh?

Got it.

And why did you stop me? Just wanted to
make sure you were okay.

I was walking down the street in broad
daylight.

Well, you never know, right?

Sometimes you do.

Sir, are you okay?

She's not forcing you to do anything you
don't want to, is she? That is my

cameraman. I was talking to him.

Some black people feel they can't even
walk down the street without harassment.

And... Oh, by the way, big fan of the
show.

Finally, I was able to complete my
introduction and sit down with Officer

Schlossky of the Toronto Police.

We banned arbitrary carding months ago,
so the kind of stops you're describing

just don't happen anymore.

But I just got...

Okay.

It doesn't happen.

Thanks, Aisha.

Coming up later.

After visiting a Toronto hospital with
Kathleen Wynne, is Bernie Sanders

abandoning the idea of universal
healthcare?

Welcome back.

Despite the surge in refugees, the
federal government says it won't plug

border breach between New York and
Quebec, as this marks the first time in

40 years that anyone's purposely moved
to Quebec.

La Belle -Provence has been a tough sell
in recent decades due to its harsh

weather, confusing computer keyboards,
and acrobat -based economy.

The Quebec National Assembly supported
Ottawa's decision, adding, most of these

refugee claimants have endured
tremendous racial and religious

as well as poverty and limited access to
health care, so they should feel right

at home here.

Quebec's controversial Bill 62, which
bans people wearing face coverings from

receiving public services, continues to
dominate provincial debate.

While the government has walked back
some parts of the law, it still

specifically targets Muslim women who
wear the niqab.

And that is the subject of tonight's
Between the Headlines.

So, is Bill 62 Islamophobic?

Obviously, yes. The only way it could
more clearly ostracize Muslims is if the

cover page had a cartoon of the Prophet
Muhammad.

But because nothing is ever simple, now
there's a backlash to the backlash to

the bill. It's like the people who
argued Suicide Squad wasn't actually

bad.

I don't care if it expanded the DC
universe.

Jared Leto's Joker was terrible and we
all know it.

Personally, I doubt the contrarians who
have come out to defend Bill 62 have

even read it. If they did, they'd
clearly see that Quebec is using dog

like secular values to go after Muslims.

Otherwise, why did they just vote to
keep the giant crucifix in the

And why are they not cracking down on
other people who regularly cover their

faces? It's not like they're legislating
fencers to put their eyeballs at risk.

Or asking beekeepers to get stung to
death.

Sadly, this dog whistle is working.

According to a recent poll, 60 % of
Canadians support the niqab ban, which

only be explained by the fact that the
term secular values really tickles the

asshole of a nation that likes to think
it's more progressive than our Bible

-thumping neighbors.

No, the other one.

But maybe it isn't fair to just call the
bill Islamophobic, because it's also

super sexist.

It's about telling women what they can
and can't wear. We used to say they

couldn't wear bikinis, and now we're
saying they can't wear burkas.

What's next, outlawing those high
-waisted jean things?

Look, just because I can't pull those
off, it doesn't mean legislating women's

appearances is ever a good idea.

So let's not overcomplicate this. I
think we can all agree that bigotry,

and Jared Leto are terrible.

So instead of promoting the divisions
between us, maybe Quebec could promote

secular values the way they already have
for years, by turning abandoned

churches into strip clubs.

And with that, we have reached the end
of our show. We'll see you next week

maybe the news will have somehow gotten
good. I don't know. Probably not.