All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s08e12_physical_therapy

Andy,

what the hell? We're supposed to play
snow football in 20 minutes. Why aren't

you dressed for the game?

Andy, do you want to tell Jim why you're
not dressed for the game?

Well, Mandy thinks.

I think I'm a grown man with
responsibilities and playing tackle

frozen field is an unnecessary risk.

Considering I'm not in the best shape.

Mandy, this is the Oak Park Snow Bowl.

It's a sacred tradition dating back over
two years.

He brings up a hell of a point I'm not
playing.

Fine.

Great.

No problem.

See, Andy, he didn't scream, he didn't
stomp on your feet, he didn't twist your

nipples.

He's your friend and he respects your
decisions.

That's right.

Okay, I have to go. I'll see you later.

See you later, Mandy. Thanks for coming
by.

Don't worry about Andy. He's safe here.

So should we just get it over with?

Sure.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Now, you can't live your life by Mandy's
rules.

Mandy says I can.

Well, Mandy's crazy.

I don't know if you've noticed this,
Jim, but I've had a little trouble

on to women lately. Because you're doing
it all wrong. Oh, yeah? Yeah, listen to

my rules, all right?

Rule number one. In order to get respect
from a woman, you've got to set down

the terms and the boundaries of the
relationship.

Ah, but Mandy says... Oh, Mandy says,
Mandy says, Mandy says.

Come on, you're a man. You can do what
you want.

Oh, unless you still need Mommy's
permission.

No, no, I got Mom's permission.

She just said wear an extra sweater.

Andy, for crying out loud.

Listen, I know you think that pathetic
with a girlfriend is better than just

pathetic. Yeah.

It's not.

It's not? No, because in a week's time,
you're going to be pathetic and dumped.

And then after that, you're going to be
pathetic and drunk and on my couch.

And that runs exactly into this.

Ow!

Come on, Andy, rise up here.

Are you saying that sexy Mandy will stay
with pathetic Andy if pathetic Andy

doesn't do what sexy Mandy says?

Right. Yeah? Why?

Because women are strange.

They're mysterious creatures. Who knows
why they do what they do?

Now, let's go jump the junkyard fence
and tackle some middle -aged men on a

frozen field.

Yeah! Come on, now!

Oh, baby.

I think if you play tackle football on a
frozen field, it's risky.

Considering he's not in the best of
shape.

You know, Doc, I try to tell him that.

See, you should listen to your dad.

I can barely move my arms.

Does it hurt when you do this?

Yes.

So don't do that.

That's one from our generation, man.

Doc, is he going to be all right?

Yeah, yeah, he's going to be fine. We're
going to bring in our physical

therapist to show him some exercises,
and it's going to help your flexibility

if you do them, okay?

I got to see a doctor. I got a cough
here.

I am so screwed.

Mandy's going to find out I played
football.

How's she going to find out?

Jim, I brush her hair before we go to
bed.

You brush her hair?

Well, yeah.

Oh, man, we got a lot of work to do.

Hi. You must be Andy.

Poor thing.

I'll get you up on your feet so I can
get a baseline check of your

I need you to stand in front of me and
stretch out your arms as far as you can.

How does that feel?

Oh, pretty good.

But I'd give anything to do a little
better.

You know, my arms are a little sore. Can
you do a baseline on me?

No, I'm sorry. I actually need to focus
on your son.

Now palms up and move your hands
laterally.

And

now

up and down.

Do you mind if I watch from over here?

fingers. Can you make a fist?

Open. Are you a cop?

Because if you are a cop, you gotta tell
us.

You know, you really are stiff.

here, then Mandy won't know a thing.

All right, get up on your feet.

I can't, Jim. I can't get myself up.

All right, here, let me pick you up.

That'll hurt too much.

Here, open your mouth.

Now pull as tight as you can.

That's it.

Yeah. Ow!

You did that on purpose!

That's for laughing.

Now hold the end again. Oh, hell no. I
don't trust you.

Come on, you can trust me. We're even
now.

Fine, but it's under protest.

All right, all right. Now hold it as
tight as you can.

There you go.

safe and secure here.

Why don't you start stretching a little
bit? Okay.

There you go.

Hey.

That feels pretty good. I'm totally
loosening up. Right, right.

All right. If you feel better than one,
why don't you put a little weight into

it?

Nice.

Wow. There you go.

Jim, that feels really good. Well, I'm
all about you.

Thank you.

until one of the kids falls through it.

And then we can blame them.

What am I going to do?

Mandy's on her way over here.

Just relax.

Rule number two.

Never be afraid to cover up a lie.

You know, Jim, your rules sound an awful
lot like rules for serial killing.

That's the beauty of my rules.

It's good for every kind of
relationship.

All right, listen.

Just relax.

You know, Mandy needs to see you get
hurt in a different way.

Well, like how?

The banister.

Yeah, when Mandy comes over here, you
tell her you got to go to the bathroom,

then fall through the banister on the
way up the stairs.

Why would I go upstairs? You have a
bathroom downstairs.

You're right.

Better she dump you, move to Florida,
live with your mom.

You know, just because I point out a
logic flaw has no reason to be mean.

Andy, you have to make a... Hey!

There's my girl!

Oh, hi.

Girl,

what did you guys end up doing instead
of playing snow football?

Well, we just, uh, you know, we kind of
hung around here and did some stuff

inside.

I mean, we don't even know what the
weather's like outside because we've

inside.

Oh, Andy, I am so proud of you. You
know, I thought for sure he'd make you

How dare you?

Andy is his own man.

Andy, go to the bathroom.

All right.

Thanks, Jim. I'm just going to go to the
bathroom.

Upstairs. Right, upstairs.

Because, uh, we trapped a raccoon in
there.

You don't want to pull your pants down
in there.

Okay.

I'm just gonna...

Yeah, yeah, what if there's another
raccoon?

Come on, Andy, you've done it a million
times before.

Not on purpose.

Come on, just close your eyes, grit your
teeth, and push through it.

Wow, what did you guys have for lunch?

No, no, I can't do it.

You guys are a really good friend.

No, stop it. Come on. No, no.

Did you make him use the bathroom
upstairs when you got one downstairs?

Thank you.

Ow! Ow!

Stop squawking. You'll scare your boy.

Now, I think that you need a physical
therapist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physical therapist. I
need my baseline checked. Thanks, Doc.

Can I get a little PT, too, Doc?

I don't want to go after him.

You confuse me.

I get to almost touch boobs under
doctor's orders.

Thank you, my friend, for hurting me.

Does someone need some physical therapy?

My name is Sven.

I understand you hurt yourself on the
stairs.

Yes, because he was afraid to go to the
bathroom.

We're going to do some stretches on the
floor.

That'll fix you right up.

Boy,

you're strong.

No words.

We should have music.

Can you feel it? I'm trying not to.

Oh.

Jim, what did the doctor say? Are you
going to be okay?

I might need a shower and a bottle of
whiskey.

Doc says he'll be up and around in a
couple days.

Meanwhile, I'm utterly uninjured because
I didn't play football.

Which is why you deserve a reward.

I bought donuts.

wouldn't place no football but now this
afternoon you're acting weird and moving

funny like maybe you did uh oh well

explanation, okay? In fact, I don't want
to talk to you at all. All I want is

some time alone to think about things.

Well... Sorry, Andy.

I gotta

tell you, I know you're new in
relationships, but rule number...

It's a bad sign when they say they have
to think about things.

Oh, God.

Sexy Andy's dumping pathetic Andy.

Eventually. But she's out in the
driveway right now.

Really? Mm -hmm.

She's gonna come back in here in a
minute just to make sure you understand

upset she really is.

Oh.

that's great because i owe her an
apology rule number four

you never ever apologize it's the most
important rule well then why isn't

it the first rule all right this is how
you handle it when she comes back in

here just stare at her give her your
best clint eastwood face

clint eastwood

That's right, you gotta be tough.

You gotta squint your eyes.

And say nothing.

I don't know, Jim. Nothing!

Trust me.

Eventually, she'll start fighting with
herself and you're off the hook.

Get out of here. No, wait a minute. If
you're really tough, she'll apologize to

you. Okay, that's completely insane.

You don't know what you're talking
about. I don't think you understand just

upset I am.

Go ahead, Andy.

Make my day.

He said you wanted to talk, so talk.

You know, I specifically asked you not
to play snow football, but you did it

anyway, and look what happened. You got
hurt.

I mean, true, true, you are a grown man,
and you can make your own decisions.

care about you so much but you know what
you're right you're right i should just

learn to respect you and not treat you
like a child

Let's get you back to your house. You
know, you probably need some physical

therapy. Oh, yeah.

I know some exercises I want to show
you.

Idiot.

Door's open.

Hey, Jim, it's me.

Your new friend, Sven.

Good news.

Your insurance covers home therapy.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I don't need any
therapy. Look, look, you're fine.

And so the game begins.