All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s08e11_the_daddy_way

You know, Cheryl, I know we always find
about which movie to see, but I think I

found one we're both gonna like. Oh,
Jim, I don't want to see zombie death

ninjas.

Cheryl, nobody wants to see the zombies.

If you can see them, that means they're
about to eat your brain.

Oh, honey, honey, look, Christina's
Tears. It's about a woman on her

who's remembering all the sweet moments
of her life. Oh.

Cheryl, I'm not gonna see that one until
I finish the book.

And I'm not gonna buy it, and I'm not
gonna read.

I've never seen my movie. We've never
seen the movies I want to see. I haven't

seen the movie I want to see in 15
years.

And that's my fault?

Well, it's not my fault.

We're going to the movies? I want to see
Jamie McFame go to London.

I hear she walks out with the queen.

We'll wait in the car.

Oh.

I always forget.

It's the kids who ruined our life. Yeah.

Oh, baby.

Jim. Jim, I got your text. What's the
emergency?

We are going to the track.

What do you mean? It's not a work day.

Andy, I had a dream last night that me,
you, and Sammy Davis Jr.

were floating on a raft down a river.

You, the Andy man, and the condiment?
Yes.

And this morning, I picked up the racing
form, and look who's running in the

third race.

A horse named Three Best Friends.

It's a sign. We gotta bet it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Me, you, and Saley Davis Jr.

are best friends?

Well, to be fair, Sammy didn't really
care for you.

But I talked to you.

Oh, thanks, man.

All right, let's go.

Other track.

You Jim?

Yeah. I'm Phil.

Okay.

I'm Harry.

Todd.

Hello.

Jim, aren't you going to introduce me?

Uh, guys, this is Andy.

Andy, uh, these are a bunch of guys with
babies that broke into my home.

We're the daddy and me group.

Yeah, we're here to play with our kids
and share our feelings about parenting.

With whom?

You. All of us.

Your wife said to be here at ten.

My wife.

My wife.

Cheryl!

Freeze, blondie.

You freeze right there.

So, I see you've met your daddy group.

What the hell, Cheryl? You can't spring
this on me like this. Look, my mommy and

me group thought it might be nice to
have a daddy group, and I was getting

around to buy you, but then it just
seemed easier to sneak out like a

Cheryl, forget it. I got big plans
today.

I know, I know. You got circle time,
sing -along, and healthy snack.

Unless these are names of horses, we got
a big problem.

Come on, honey, help me out here. I'm
home all day with those twins.

want a few hours a week that are just
for me. A few hours a week? Yes.

Excuse me, Cheryl, but you know what?

I've seen you sleeping. Those hours are
for you.

You take showers alone against Al Gore's
guidelines.

And last week, you were gone all
afternoon at the dermatologist.

I had a biopsy.

And I took the kids with me.

Oh, how did that turn out?

We can talk later. I'm going to miss the
first race.

Come on.

Come on. I'm exhausted from those kids.
It's all I do all day.

Cheryl, I am exhausted from work. I need
this break.

My job never stops.

Oh, please, please, please.

I'd love to trade places with you just
once.

Damn it.

I saw that coming out of my mouth and I
couldn't stop it.

On that farm he had a... What, Liza?

What did old McDonald have, Liza?

Pick an animal, Liza.

Hello?

Liza! Uh, Jim, she doesn't talk.

Oh, that means she loses her turn. Pick
me, Jim, Jim, pick me.

Andy, um...

Hey, let's do duck again, huh? That was
fun.

With a quack, quack here and a quack,
quack there.

Here a quack, there a quack. Everywhere
a quack, quack. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So our time is over. Over, over, over.

Well, now what? Well, it says here in
Cheryl's instructions that it's

time.

What the hell does that mean?

We're supposed to share a hard time we
had with the kids this week.

Besides right now?

Does anybody know anything about their
kids?

Okay, Andy, pick an animal.

Uh... How about the wildebeest? With
a... Here and a... There.

Here and a... There and a... Everywhere
and a... Old MacDonald had

a farm.

Can you believe this? Daddy and me crap.

That sucks.

You know, my wife says to keep an open
mind, though.

Why? Why doesn't an open mind ever lead
to anything good?

You've got a point there.

In my day, Daddy and me meant me sitting
in the car with the heater on while he

was in the bargain tanked up.

Yeah, well, a lot's changed since the
30s.

You know what?

I have a car older than you.

Hey, look at that.

They're both trying to get the same
rattle.

That's cute.

Five bucks says mine makes it first.

Oh, you're on. Let me just... Yeah.

All right, come on. Come on, Gordon. Go
get it, Gordon. Go get it, Gordon. No,

no, no, no, no, no.

There you go, baby. There you go. Where
are you going?

Look at him.

I'm going to put you up for adoption.

Go get it, Gordon. Go get it, Gordon.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

All right, double or nothing? You're on.
All right, let's put these kids over

here. Let's do it. Oh, I want it on top.

Let's go. Lightning Liza. Champion!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

You can do it. You can do it. Oh, this
is great.

Yeah, yeah. This is what Danny Meeks
should be about.

Having fun, playing games, drinking at
11 in the morning.

Speaking of which, Daddy needs another
cold one.

You know what? You shouldn't call
yourself Daddy.

Kind of creeps me out.

All right. Who needs drinks here? Who
needs drinks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need

three beers and four baby bottles and a
juice box. Great.

Apple if you got one.

Come on, baby.

Come on.

Come on, baby.

Come on, come on.

Yeah!

Hang out, losers.

Wow, nice pick.

What do you like in the next race?

Oh, well, keep it on the down low.

That Jonah kid, I don't think he has the
brains to find the finish line.

Hey, Jonah's my kid.

Oh, he's a sweetie.

But slow.

I'm a little worried, Jim. I don't know
how I'm going to explain all this extra

money I have won to my wife.

That is the most pathetic sentence I
have ever heard.

I just think she's going to catch it,
you know? She gives me 40 bucks a week

spending money.

I stand corrected. That is the most
pathetic sentence I've ever heard.

Maybe she'll be happy I had fun.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Never tell them you had fun.

Why not?

No, no, no. They want us to be miserable
just like them.

That's crazy.

Yeah. That's women.

I don't understand.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

My name's Phil.

Who cares? Listen.

The point is, if our wives find out
we're having fun with these babies,

never let us do this again.

So I should keep this from my wife? Yes.

But that's lying. That's men.

I don't know, Jim. I don't want to get
in trouble.

Let me guess.

You got married very young, right?

Probably right out of high school?

Yeah, we met in driver's ed.

Yeah, she's been driving ever since.

She was the best at parallel parking.

God, I love her.

Sure you do.

But let's get real here.

You'll probably never be able to salvage
this marriage.

Well, that's what mommy says, but I
don't see it.

Well, if there's any chance at all, all
right, you got to stick with this one

rule.

They like to see us suffer.

She does chuckle when I stumble.

Exactly.

All right, so what you got to do is when
you go home tonight, you got to tell

her I've had the toughest day I've ever
had.

Okay. All right, let me hear you. Come
on, let me hear you say that.

Oh, honey, I'm exhausted.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You got to
slump down in a chair. You got to pull

your surteel out. Okay. Start rubbing
your head like you got a pounding

headache.

Oh, my head is pounding.

I'm so exhausted.

And my shirt tail's out.

What a day.

You gotta put a little more feeling into
it. Can you work up some tears?

Yeah.

I'm just so tired.

That is great.

That's great.

That's good? Yeah, you do that tonight.

And we'll be here next week suffering
through the toddler triple crown.

I tell you, I wouldn't mind winning 50
bucks off you every week.

Yeah, well, you know, Gordon choked in
that last race. Oh, don't be so hard on

the kid. No, he literally choked.

There was a raisin in the carpet and it
went down the wrong pipe.

there sleeping, even though I'm the one
who needs a nap.

Well, well, well.

Pretty tired, huh?

Guess Daddy and me was harder than you
thought. Oh, Cheryl.

I don't know who's more exhausted, those
sweet little cherubs or me.

I mean, all that sharing and singing
songs about the environment takes it out

you.

I told you, admit it. Being a mom is
really hard.

You got me there, Cheryl. You're right.

Oh, that sounded so good. Okay, come on.

You're right, Cheryl. You're right. I
mean, look at me. Even my shirt tail is

valid.

Because I was right.

I was right.

I was right. I was right. All right, all
right. I'm glad you're happy.

I am. Because I was right. Oh, Cheryl. I
was right.

I was right. All right, all right. This
is never going to happen again.

Yeah, about that.

No, no, no, Cheryl.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. The other moms and I have
decided we want Daddy and me to be a

thing. No, Cheryl, you can't lay this on
me now when I'm so exhausted my shirt

tails are out.

Welcome to motherhood.

No, Cheryl, no.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let's play for this race.

We

have

a winner!

We have blazed Blake by a drool -covered
gin.

Dammit, Jonah.

First a peanut allergy and now this.

Okay, we are now accepting bets on race
number five. This is the Grudge Man.

Listen, Jonathan's up for the sixth race
and seems a little cranky. I think we

should put him down.

You want me to shoot your baby?

Andy! Because really, you should do
that, Jim. You're the dad.

Put him down for a nap.

Oh, I'm really glad you made that clear.

Hey, there you are, Gordon. Come here.

Hey, Eliza, wave to the nice man who's
going to pay for daddy's teeth

Seriously, stop calling yourself daddy.

Hey,

how was my advice with your wife?

Worked like magic, Jim. She even let me
drive the good car today.

Paul, Paul, Paul.

I keep telling you, my name's Phil.

I know, and I keep telling you, I don't
care.

Come on, let's go. Let's race these
babies.

Racers, on your marks. Here we go,
Gordon. Here we go, baby. Get set.

Andy, a gun?

wrong with you? It's a starter's pistol.

Babies crawl faster when they're scared.

Just say go. I don't think they're going
to know what that means.

Do it! Fine.

Go!

Come on, come on, come on.

I'm sitting right over here.

I got this. I got this.

Come on, come on.

It's a ring!

I could have had dinner ready for you,
but I'm just so exhausted.

Sorry, I forgot my 300 bucks.

Okay, Joan, I'm going to have to go
scream at my husband.

Can I scream at my husband on your
porch?

Sure, it's not like the neighbors
haven't seen that before.

Bill?

I really think the baby's... Bill!

Jim, may I have a word with you?

You say it's a word, but I know there's
going to be a lot more words, isn't

there?

So... You guys having some problems,
huh?

I just want you to know that a lot of
those kids were sharing at a third grade

level.

Jim. Okay, okay, and you know, we made
75 bucks, and I think we can make more

next week.

Baby group is to stimulate our kids and
enrich them. Cheryl, I was stimulating

them, and they were enriching me. That's
all.

No, what you were doing out there was
completely unacceptable to me. That is

because we were having fun out there.

What's that supposed to mean? It means
the only reason you wanted me to have

this daddy group is to see me miserable.

Oh, that is not true. That is so true.

No.

Last week when you came home, I saw the
look in your eye.

You loved it when you saw me suffer.

I did not.

Cheryl, you were dancing.

I was not. I just, I move with a natural
rhythm.

Cheryl. And you know what? I am not
having this argument.

Fine, let's go see a movie.

You were drinking and you were racing
our kids and gambling on it.

Okay, you say gambling, I say math.

You say racing, I say exercise.

You say drinking and I say being careful
about hydration.

I say you're full of it.

Daddy group is over.

So, I should just rent the movie?

Babies, are you okay?

No, I'm... No. You are down to 30 bucks
a week. Wait, wait, wait.

Husbands, can you believe them? I know.

So selfish.

I tried to tell them.

Andy, you're counting gambling money
with a gun in your lap.

Guess that makes me kind of a bad boy.

Doesn't it, Joan?

actually tried to make these baby races
sound like a good idea.

Did you tell you gambling was math? Yes.

Did yours cry?

No. You want me to talk to him?

Oh, well, it's a good thing that we put
a stop to this. Oh, I know.

Who knows how much little Liza's
confidence would have been shattered

Gordon beat her.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Except Liza was beating
Gordon.

Well, Let's just say they were in a tie,
but the point is... Oh, they were not

in a tie.

My kid was kicking the crap out of your
kid.

All right. You want to go, lady?

And on that farm he had a cat.

E -I -E -I.

Yeah!

All right.

Next race, we got the main event.

versus Gordon in the grudge match that
will prove once and for all who's got

prettier mom.

My money's on Joan.

Especially since Cheryl's my sister.
Okay,

Gordon, come on.

Is this your day, Gordon?

Is this gonna be your day?

It's his day.

Don't tell anybody, but I ate chocolate
before I nursed him.

I put coffee in his formula.

They don't test, do they? No.

You having fun?

I am.

Good, so I can have fun now?

Fine. There may be a part of me that got
some small pleasure out of seeing you

suffer. Would that part be the dancing
part?

Probably, yeah.

Then I'm probably right.

Fine, you're right. Blah, blah, blah.

Cheryl, can you put the blah, blah, blah
first and the you were right at the

end? It just sounds so much better.

everyone's attention, please. Real
quick, attention, please.

Concerning the seventh race, Jumpin'
Joan is a late scratch because he ate a

penny. Yeah, he thinks they're candy.

Okay, racers, on your marks.

These are for you, for your crybaby
husband. You know, when your kid loses.

God, she turns me on when she talks
trash.

Yeah, she's hot.

What?

Look, sorry.

Me and Joan aren't doing so good.

And go!

Andy!

Come on, buddy!

We've got to do crawl faster when
they're scared. Come on, Gordon!

Come on!