All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s08e09_kyles_crush

You don't have to ring twice, Mandy.

Hi, Jim.

Hi. Ruby, it's time for your piano
lesson.

You know, before they come down, can I
just talk to you about the last check

wrote me? It was $36 short.

Well, I charged for the equipment rental
fee.

For your piano?

You're welcome to bring your own.

But $9 a week?

$8 for the piano, $1 for the bench.

You're welcome to stand.

Hey, Ruby.

Hi, Mandy. Hey, Ruby. Have you been
practicing?

I have enough money for the equipment
rental.

Well, look on the bright side, honey.
You're really getting good at plain

standing up.

We've talked about the staring before.

It really creeps Danny out.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Well, your mom's going to be home
eventually.

It's pretty important.

More important than box scores?

Yeah. Do you even know what box scores
are?

No.

All right, shoot.

Wait a second.

Not that one again.

Sounds like raccoons running over the
keys.

Come on, let's go out on the patio where
it's quiet.

Hey, Ruby, that sounds great.

You must be sitting on that bench again.

No, I'm not.

All right.

What is it?

Bad dreams?

Monster in the closet?

Cholesterol a little too high?

I like a girl.

me a hug.

You said we aren't supposed to hug. I
know, I know, but now I don't have to

worry about you.

Okay, all right. So tell me, who's the
lucky girl?

Is it that cute girl from school?

Emily? No way.

Are the little blonde from karate class?

Julia Grove.

I know who it is. It's that dark -haired
girl with the backpack and the monkey.

That's Dora the Explorer.

So, come on.

Who is it?

It's Mandy, the piano teacher.

Hey,

Rube.

Oh, and you are? I'm Mandy. I'm Ruby's
piano teacher. Okay, okay. Good to meet

you, Mandy.

Can I go spend the rest of my lesson
texting my friend?

That's what I'm going to do.

Was that good?

I see you've been practicing at home.

Stop it! Stop it! Jim's coming! Jim's
coming! Andy!

Shh! Shut up!

I hear his labored breathing.

False alarm. It's just the furnace
kicking in.

No, you know what? I do not want to keep
this relationship a secret from Jim

anymore. Look, I told you we have to.

Now, come on over to my place when
you're done, but don't use the front

Jim can see it from the window. And park
him back. Wait, that is ridiculous.

You know what? You're right.

Park three blocks away.

Jump the back fence. Hide in the tool
shed. If he comes back for his hedge

clippers, then jump in the compost bin.

We're both adults. We're both single.

Yeah, but Mandy, Jim will kill me if he
finds out that I've been dating the

kid's piano teacher without his
permission.

It is forbidden.

You need his permission?

I need Jim's permission to change the
radio station in the car.

My car.

When he's not there.

No, baby love.

I just don't want Jim coming between us.

Oh.

Is that because you think I might be the
one?

Mandy, please look at me.

Anyone who kisses back might be the one.

I think I hear Jim coming.

Well,

Kyle, there's nothing wrong with having
a crush on an older woman.

As a matter of fact, when I was young, I
had a crush on my teacher.

What happened?

Well, I asked her to go to the picnic.

She said no.

And ten years later, I met her daughter
and got even with the old broad.

By taking her to a picnic?

By taking her to a picnic.

So, I should ask Mandy out? Sure.

Sure. It's good for your confidence with
women. Go ahead. Go for it.

Tell me how you're going to do it. Show
me.

I was thinking I'd start with a knock
-knock joke.

Oh, sweetie, that sounds great, a knock
-knock joke.

Try it out on me.

Ding -dong.

Honey, that's not how it starts.

That's not how it starts, too.

You're creeping me out staring at me.

I'm just starting to feel like I don't
mean anything to you. Oh, no.

Come on.

Mandy, you're my girl.

You're my world.

Mandy?

You

are

the kid's piano teacher.

Well, it's nice to finally meet you.
Sandy, is it? No, it's Mandy, and she's

my dime.

Oh, all right.

Kyle here.

We'd like to ask you something, Mandy.

Ding dong.

Kyle.

I mean, Mandy, would you like to watch a
movie with me tonight?

Oh, how sweet. Did you just ask me out
on a date?

Did you just ask me out on a date who?

Uh, Kyle, you did a fine job. Very good,
but... You know, Mandy may have a

boyfriend or some other reason to let
him down easy.

A boyfriend? No, I don't have a
boyfriend.

I'd love to go out with you, Kyle.

Yes, yes.

What the hell?

Yeah, what the hell?

I mean, I don't care.

I'm just outraged on principle.

It looks like you got yourself a date.

Sweet.

Kyle, why don't you go upstairs and give
us adults a few minutes to talk?

I'm going to change into something more
comfortable.

Oh, Kyle, you don't have to change what
you're wearing to impress me.

Yeah, but my underwear's crammed up my
butt.

Mandy, I think that was very nice of you
to play along, but I was kind of hoping

you'd let him down.

Oh, I'm sorry, but if I feel strongly
for somebody, I just can't hide it.

Well, first of all, that is very
inappropriate.

Second of all, where were you when I was
a kid?

Okay, Mandy, I see what you're doing
here. Oh, you learned my name. How nice

you.

You're just trying to make me jealous.

Make you jealous?

Wait, I hardly know you.

You know you have known me for the last
three minutes.

Wait a minute. I know what's going on
here.

Oh, God, you do? Yeah, you're damn right
I do.

You've been sneaking over here getting
piano lessons with Mandy on my dime.

Ah, yeah, if you're right.

Guilty. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no.

Tim, Andy and I are dating. Yeah, yeah,
yeah.

And he's driving around chasing radio
stations without calling me, right.

Andy, tell him the truth or this is
over.

Mandy and I have been dating for the
last three weeks.

Without my permission?

That is forbidden!

See? See? What'd I tell you, huh? Let me
guess what you're going to say next,

Jim, huh? Oh, Andy, you're just going to
screw this up. How many times do I have

to tell you? Hands off the help.

The help?

What? Jim said it.

I didn't say it, Andy. You know what?
This whole thing is your fault.

How is it my fault? You're the one that
let a nine -year -old ask out a middle

-aged woman. Excuse me?

Jim said it.

I didn't say it.

Forty -five isn't middle age.

Forty -five? Andy said it. Oh.

Man, this was a lot easier and less
painful when it was a secret.

Jim. You have got to tell Kyle that this
date is off. Well, no, you tell him.

Me? He's your son.

I'm not going to tell him. I just sat
there and pumped him up and gave him the

confidence to do it. If I tell him to
call it off, he'll never take advice

women from me again.

Well, that's not such a bad idea, Jim.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I've been taking
your advice for years. That's why I'm

so desperate.

Look, one of you two have to tell him.
Well, look, I am not going to turn down

the one man who is showing me some
respect and attention.

Fine, I'll do it.

You and Andy, huh?

Between you and me, Kyle is an upgrade.

Hey, Spanky, where's Alfalfa?

These are my church clothes.

If they're good enough for Jesus,
they're good enough for Mandy.

Have a seat, hon. We need to talk, bud.

I'm afraid I got some bad news.

Mandy and I have been dating for a
while.

That is bad news.

You must be really jealous of me.

No, no.

You see, Mandy just said she'd go out
with you to try and make me jealous.

And it worked.

No, no, you're not getting it. All
right, let me try and break it down for

in words that you'd understand.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Mandy's going out with.

Mandy's going out with who?

Mandy's going out with me, you little
twerp.

Sounds like the guy is afraid of a
little competition.

Your dad's right. You are creepy when
you stare.

Did you set him straight?

Do you know how insulting it is that you
would have to ask if I set a tiny

little munchkin straight?

So the date's off?

Well, here's the thing. Oh, come on,
Andy. What? He's a very stubborn kid

those zombie eyes. Come on.

How am I supposed to be in a
relationship with a man who doesn't have

backbone to stand up to an eight -year
-old?

Well, to be fair, Kyle's nine.

Andy, I think this is over.

What? Over?

Man, I knew as soon as this relationship
went public, it'd all get screwed up.

Thanks a lot, Jim.

What?

It's not really your fault, Jim.

You don't have to tell me.

That's always the first place I go.

It's my fault. I was just so mad at Andy
for being so spineless.

But I don't want Kyle to get hurt. Well,
I don't want him to get hurt either.

That's why you're going to do the date
with him.

What?

date with a nine -year -old. Come on,
how can it be different than dating

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

And I'd have more room on the couch.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.

You know what? You sit on a couch with
him, you watch a movie, you make him

good while I try to figure out some way
to let him down without scarring him for

the rest of his life. Well, I guess I
could do that. And it's completely

harmless, right?

He's got my genes.

He may make a move.

creepy the way you're staring at me.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

You know, I'm a little confused by the
movie, Kyle.

Magnesium Man got his heart battery
stolen by a bad guy.

Oh, so is he gonna die?

No, but he does need to rest more often.

Here comes the bad guy.

What are you doing?

My mom always holds my hand during the
scary parts.

Oh.

Okay.

Seriously, sweetie, it's creepy.

She's not dating Kyle. She's dating
Andy.

That is also forbidden.

I'm going to go upstairs and call my
boyfriend, who I don't have.

Damn, these kids in this house are
getting more action than me.

Hello. Hey, Dad.

How are you, my handsome man? You look
so...

Great. She smells like strawberries.

But she wants a snack.

Well, I thought about that. I'm fixing
it up right now. Here you go.

Where are the candy and chips?

Oh, Kyle.

You've got a lot more to learn about
women than I thought.

You see, older women only eat salad,
carrots, and diet soda.

Because they're always watching their
weight.

Until a dessert cart comes around.

like a trolley.

Seriously? Yeah, seriously.

And then they go home, call all their
friends and cry.

Why do they cry?

Beats me.

I mean, why do they always think it's
cold?

Why do they write thank you notes?

And what is their fascination with
baskets?

Baskets with napkins in them. Baskets
with fruit.

Baskets with silverware.

Everything in a...

basket store.

Man, dating sounds so boring. Oh, it's
not boring because you're sitting on the

edge of your seat wondering how much
money you're going to spend.

What do you mean?

Well, your first date might be a DVD in
the living room, but your second date,

you've got to take him out to a nice
restaurant.

Oh, right, for the salad.

Right.

With a little piece of fish on it that
costs 50 bucks.

50 bucks? I'm going to get a dollar for
it.

Well, Kyle, you're going to have to get
a job.

Maybe the basket store is hiring.

Man, I just thought she smelled nice.

That's how they get you.

Man, I wish there was an easier way.

Well, maybe there is.

You know what? I bet the date would be a
lot cheaper if you took out a girl your

age to, like, the park.

Or to laser tag?

Laser tag.

You know what, Kyle?

I bet a little girl your age would love
laser tag.

Especially with you.

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome, son.

And if you need any more tips about
women, you just ask me.

Okay. How do I get out of this pink and
date with Mandy?

Son, I think I can help you with that.

I don't want to hurt her feelings. Of
course not.

But I will if I have to.

That's my boy.

Okay, Kyle, you ready to finish our
date?

I just hear that from a nine -year -old.

You're a nice lady, but you're too old,
and I'm not a big fan of the baskets.

Is this what you want?

I can be a cute little boy.

Amy, just hang on one second. No, Jim, I
will not. Not just hang on for one

second. Mandy, I'm not perfect.

I make a lot of mistakes. I'll probably
always be scared of Jim.

That's true.

Fear is the basis of our relationship.

But I do care about you, and I really
hope you'll take me back.

I was stupid not to let the whole world
know that someone as great as you was in

my life.

Don't do it. She eats $50 fish.

Thank you, honey. That was sweet.

And listen, thank you, Kyle, for letting
me down easy.

I'm glad we can still be friends.

Friends. Yeah, right.

Hey, what do you say we go hit the town?
Ooh, that sounds great.

Now, either you can change or we gotta
buy you a giant lollipop. Oh, actually,

would like to change. My underwear's
crammed up my butt.

Well, nice job, my son.

You just unloaded your first major
headache.

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome, honey.

But I think I'm done with dating for a
while. Sure.

There's only one girl for me, Mom.

You back off. She's mine.

Sounds like a guy who's afraid of a
little competition.