All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s08e05_two_for_the_money

Come on, Gordon.

Your brother's already upstairs asleep.

And when I catch your mother awake, I
got a shot at unwrapping an early

Christmas gift.

What in God's name is wrong with you
people?

It took me an hour to get this kid
asleep.

Oh, sorry.

We didn't know.

Sorry?

Sorry's not good enough.

Okay, who knows any Barry White?

All right, you, me, upstairs with the
wife.

Oh, baby.

Well, there's my beautiful children.

We want to talk to you about our
Christmas present.

Oh, don't talk to your real daddy who
lives in Michigan.

We're not falling for that again.

We spent six hours on the bus, and that
guy made us go right back home.

And he was Chinese.

All right, let me see what you got here.

Oh, jeez, kids.

I don't know.

You know, Christmas is going to be a
little different this year.

Just like everybody else, Santa's
suffering from the recession.

I heard he had to sell his vacation home
down in the South Pole.

Uh, I think it's gonna be tougher to
make Santa's nice list.

I mean, probably only two of you will
make it.

Who wants it more?

I'm gonna go vacuum.

I'll shovel the walk. I'm gonna call
Grandma and ask her about her new hip.

And Ruby takes early leave.

What got into them?

The spirit of Christmas.

This sucks.

You're in a mood. What's wrong?

My kids are going to have a crappy
Christmas this year. I mean, between the

economy and these twins, I mean, look at
this list.

Damn.

Man, all I ever got as a kid was sugar
-free candy and a book on isometric

exercises.

Real subtle, Santa.

I don't know. I can't get any of these
things.

You know what? That's it. I'm going
Jewish.

Ah, that won't work, Jim. Hanukkah means
eight nights of gifts.

Yeah, but not good gifts.

They get, like, Tootsie Rolls and bread.

All you need is some extra money, right?
Yeah. A reliable revenue stream. You

know what's reliable?

Gambling.

You're right. Absolutely. Let's see
who's running at the track.

All right. I had a hot tip on a pygmy
knife fighter, but...

Guess we could play it safe and go to
the track.

Hey, look at this.

They're shooting a new movie in town.

And they need twin baby boys.

What movie?

President Baby 2.

Shut up.

That was my favorite movie last year.

I split a gut when President Baby told
the Secretary of Defense that he made a

boom boom in the war room.

Is that the one where President Baby was
fighting terrorists and had to land Air

Force One by himself?

Yeah, but in this one, they called it
Air Force Onesie.

You know, I don't remember you taking
the kids to that.

Yeah. Yeah, I took the kids. That's how
I saw it.

Well, you know what?

These Hollywood types, they pay big
money.

I heard Ben Stiller uses bottled water
to flush his toilet.

Right there, Jim.

If we can get Jonathan and Gordon in on
this deal, your Hanukkah problems are

over.

Andy, forget Hanukkah.

With this Hollywood money, we're
sticking with baby Jesus.

Hey, Cheryl.

You can stop your panicking.

Fantastic.

Remind me what I was panicking about.

How we're going to pay for Christmas.

Come on, you were up all night crying
about it.

No, I wasn't.

Yeah, you were at 2 in the morning. I
remember wah, wah, wah.

That was the baby.

The babies are up at 2 in the morning?

Well, tell them not to panic because all
our money troubles are over, thanks to

Hollywood.

Jim, you cannot sue Hollywood because
loss gives you a headache.

Well, tell me, where are they? Are they
on the island or are they in a big city?

Hey, run with me through the jungle, but
I can't tell you why. No.

Tell me first, then we'll run.

Okay, what does any of this have to do
with Christmas?

Have you heard they're shooting
President Baby 2 right here in town?

Yeah. What? Why would they shoot another
movie about a baby president?

Because it's Hollywood, and they think
everyone in America is stupid.

And there are loose ends to tie up from
the first one.

Bulgaria has nukes, and the president is
cutting a tooth.

It's a powder keg.

All right, now I am panicking. What the
hell are you guys talking about?

Well, Jonathan and Gordon, have been
cast as a new Secretary of Defense.

No, no, no, no. You are not signing up
our babies to be in some ridiculous

movie. Well, it's not ridiculous.

It's a real Hollywood movie. Steve
Guttenberg's in it. I mean, the real

Guttenberg, not the lookalike we saw at
the fair.

Jim, they are six months old. I don't
want them to work.

Not work. It's acting.

And the money they earn can make for a
nice Christmas.

Yes. And tell me this.

How would you like to be able to flush
your toilets with bottled water?

Look at these kids, Cheryl. They're
stars.

You guys had headshots made up? Well, we
had to make them look professional.

Oh, sorry. I got a corner of your boob
and Gordon's shot.

That's Jonathan.

Jonathan? How can you tell the
difference? They look exactly the same.

No, almost exactly.

Jonathan has a cowlick on top of his
head.

Cowlick. Can we get extra money for
that?

Of course you can. That's why you have
me as your agent.

I didn't agree that you would be the
agent. Now, we had a verbal agreement.

no, I want my lawyer to look at this.

I could be your lawyer, too.

No, no, no, no, no. You are not our
agent or our lawyer.

Because the kids aren't going to work.
They can't speak for themselves, but I

can. No, no, and no!

Postpartum still.

You know what, Andy? She is wrong. She
is absolutely wrong.

I know if these kids could talk...

They would beg me to do this.

We want to do it, Daddy.

Yeah, Daddy.

Save Christmas.

Save Christmas for everyone.

Gordon, I'd love to save Christmas, but
tell me, how am I going to get you guys

out of the house without your mother
knowing?

Hmm.

I think Jonathan has a plan.

When I win my Academy Award, I'm going
to thank Daddy and not Mommy.

Funny, looks like her boob is talking.

Okay,

so let's review the plan.

I tell Mommy I'm sick.

Yes, and your dad and I took the twins
out so they don't get red -spotted

So if I do this, I get everything on my
Christmas list?

Well, I can't make any promises.

I'll tell you what, Santa does like a
kid who plays ball.

Oh, yeah.

Being on a set really takes me back to
my acting days.

You did one commercial. You were tenth.

It never leaves you.

The smell of the soundstage, the hum of
the lights, the sweaty crew guy glaring

at me for eating the last donut.

Sorry, shorts in December. I'm with the
talent.

Okay, we're rolling.

That means they're starting.

Guys, please, settle.

That means quiet.

I'm talking to you.

That means he's talking to me.

And action.

But, President Baby, respectfully, I
just don't know if the American public

going to go for it.

I mean, mandatory nap time is... Well,
perhaps the Secretary of Defense has an

opinion on the matter.

Perhaps the Secretary of Defense has an
opinion on the matter.

Hello? Hey, hey, yo, I'm talking to you.
I'm talking to you. Look, see, this is

what's going on, Rob.

I need them to look at me, okay? I need
eyes to act, okay? I mean, what are we

doing here? I mean, this is like, you
know, I got a guy missing distraction

I got Reagan sleeping here. I mean, what
is this, Vancouver?

Okay, I did this film as a favor.

Cut.

Switch the babies, please.

Wow. Did you see that?

He just threw a fit and stormed off.

Boy, I wish I could act like that in my
life.

your crap. You don't knock it off your
walking home.

I'm out of here.

Where are the cashews? Huh?

There's four kinds of berries here.

Where are my cashews?

Oh, thanks, pal.

You get me.

I appreciate that, Steve. No, you can
call me the good. Well, I'm much more

comfortable, you know, calling you
Steve. No, I want you to call me the

Jim, since we have the goot here... Hey,
you get me.

Thanks, pal.

Gotcha.

Well,

uh, the goot.

You know, Andy and I wrote the script
that we thought you'd really like. It's

movie idea.

Oh, let me guess.

Cocoon 3, this time I play the old guy.

Damn it!

Wasted 45 minutes of our lives writing
that.

Hang on a second.

This shot's not going to match.

That baby has a colic. I need someone to
cut it off. Come on, hair, makeup. Come

on, people.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Excuse me,
sir.

You can't do that. You can't cut them
off. That's the only way we'd tell the

twins apart.

We don't want to tell them apart, okay?
We hire twins so the audience thinks

it's one person. I know, but in my
house, my wife thinks they're two

So I think this is going to be a
problem.

Well, in my house...

My wife is living with my agent, and I'm
stuck in a motel, okay? So I guess we

all have our problems.

All right, that's it. These twins are
fired. Let's bring in the backups. Come

on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One
second.

You don't need to fire them.

Here,

just give me the scissors. Let me do it.

Jim, wait, wait, wait. Are you sure
about this? Come on. What's the big

We'll just keep our eye on them. We'll
be able to tell them apart. It's no big

deal.

And action.

But, Mr.

Secretary, I... Whoa.

poop in the pants.

Switch babies.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He just spit up on the treaty with
Mexico.

Switch babies.

Poop in the pants.

Switch babies.

Action. But sir, I, uh, hey.

I'm talking to you. Yeah. You look at me
like... No, no, no.

I'm not working like this. Okay? You got
me? I'm done.

Oh, you did such a fine job, Gordon.

Actually, I think that's Jonathan.

Really? Are you sure?

Well, no, I'm not sure.

I thought you were watching them.

Don't take that tone with me, Jim.
You're upsetting Gordon.

Jonathan. What kind of tone would you
like me to take?

Hey, guys.

For what it's worth, I think gay couples
adopting is fantastic.

Is that you, Jonathan?

Gordon?

Jonathan?

Can't tell these twins apart.

Crap. What are you going to tell Cheryl?
I'm going to tell Cheryl nothing.

Here, here, here, here, here.

Look at this.

You know what? This fur is the same
color.

It's the baby's hair.

Yeah.

That'll work.

Now we can just figure out a way to get
this to stick to Jonathan's head.

Hmm.

There we go.

There you go, Jonathan.

Like a little baby toupee.

Now, if we just keep the ants off his
head, he'll do fine.

Oh, Sticky Bun, is there anything you
can't do?

Okay, the coast is crowded.

There you are.

Oh, honey, thank you so much for taking
the twins all day.

Oh, of course, honey. I mean, you know,
we didn't want to leave him at home and

let Kyle get him sick.

You know what? He's not even sick.

He'd do spots all over his face so he
could stay home from school.

He's a good little actor.

Really?

How good?

Where'd you guys go today?

Ha!

Ha!

Ha! Well, you know what? I thought that
these kids could use a little culture,

so we took them to the art institute.

You know, they have that great
Impressionist collection there. I mean,

Suzanne exhibit, it's a new one now.

And then we went over to the sculpture,
saw Rodin, and then Botero.

That's kind of funny, Jonathan.

Thought that Uncle Andy was one of the
sculptures.

That sounds amazing.

Well, it stimulates the right brain, you
know.

Did my little boys learn all about art?

Holy cow, where'd that come from?

Uh, Elmo and Big Bird on Sesame Street,
they went to the museum.

Oh, well, we missed you so much.

Jim, is there something you'd like to
tell me?

Yes, there is, Cheryl.

I think the waxing lady missed the spot.

Oh, and this is not hair.

And it's all sticky.

Uh, well, I seem to remember that after
the museum, we went to

the zoo. Yes. And an anteater licked
him.

Maybe because he had ants on his head.
That was cute.

Because it was raining donuts.

Because a donut truck had fallen off the
bridge because Britney Spears was there

and... Fine!

We didn't go to the zoo or the museum.

What do you do that for? We hit her!

All right.

I'm there asleep.

Now I can murder you without any
witnesses.

What the...

Cheryl, so what? We can't tell the kids
apart.

Big deal.

It is a big deal.

All right, all right. If you can't get
all wifey on me here, let me tell you, I

got a plan to fix it.

All right, we put the two babies on the
rug. We say, here, Gordon, here, Gordon.

And then when it comes, it's Gordon.

Hey, how about this idea? How about we
just give them new names?

You know, I like that better.

That's why I married you, baby. You
know, I like Billy and Scoots.

Jim! I can't tell which baby is which.

Well, I think that's good.

That's a good thing. It's more fear that
way. That way we can love them both

equally. We already love them both
equally.

Do we?

Oh, not this again.

All I'm saying is I don't think Jonathan
likes me.

And frankly, I'm not a big fan of his.

It wasn't personal.

When you change a newborn boy's diaper,
sometimes they're going to pee on you.

I get that, Cheryl.

But when he did it?

He was smiling.

All I'm saying is it was downhill since
then and we got a fresh start now. A

fresh $1 ,200 start.

They saved Christmas.

Christmas didn't need to be saved.

Sure it did, Cheryl. Did you see that
list?

Did you see the Christmas list?

Come on, they want MP3 players, guitar
heroes, a personal submarine.

All right, that's for Andy, but come on.

Honey, all I'm saying is we need the
money for this.

They're kids. They don't need to get
everything they want.

Oh, oh, this is coming from the woman
who wakes up in the middle of the night

feed them.

I feed the babies, Jim.

Well, why are they always so hungry?

Why don't you just feed them a decent
dinner and they can sleep through the

night?

Cheryl.

Christmas?

Okay, it's Christmas.

kids look forward to it all year. This
is the highlight of the year. We need

No, Jim.

You need it.

What are you talking about?

Jim, you get them tons of presents
because you didn't get that when you

kid. It's your way to prove to yourself
you're a great father, but listen to me.

You're a great father for a lot of other
reasons.

Now, Cheryl, we both know you're wrong
about that.

Well, you have your own technique for
fatherhood.

Oh, Cheryl.

All I know is every Christmas that I got
up and went to that tree, there were no

presents. No, Jim. In your house, there
were no parents.

There's a difference.

Look, I just think we make way too big a
deal about Christmas. You know, when we

were growing up, we would give Andy some
sugar -free candies and exercise books,

and he loved it.

He did?

He'd eat all this sugar -free candy and
walk around the house saying, this is a

year I'm going to lose all the weight.

Adorable.

I don't know, Cheryl. You know, I grew
up disappointed. I just don't want my

kids to be disappointed on Christmas
morning.

They're kids.

They're going to be disappointed. Look,
honey, I love them dearly, but they are

greedy, selfish creatures.

Don't you remember that angelic look of
gratitude when I opened each and every

gift?

What gifts, Jim?

What gifts are you talking about? Are
you maybe talking about these gifts?

These are all their gifts from last
Christmas. Oh, look.

It's the mandolin that Ruby just had to
have. Oh, and what's that?

Oh, it's the magic kit for Gracie. Still
in stock.

And what's this?

Kyle's reading workbook?

Oh, yeah.

We told him it was from Santa, so maybe
he'd crack it open.

The point is, we get them too much
stuff, and then they don't appreciate

They've completely forgotten all of last
year's gifts.

Completely?

Yeah. I bet they don't even remember
what's on their list for this year. They

just want stuff, stuff they can unwrap.

He got me a $1 ,200 bracelet.

I guess I was just naughty enough.

And I got a credit card bill with a
balance of zero.

Ah, a Christmas miracle.