All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s08e02_the_new_best_friend

What the hell?

You locked out?

Nah. You waiting on a pizza?

Would I be upset if I was waiting on a
pizza?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, Cheryl threw you out.

I knew it was coming.

It's all right. It's all right. You can
come stay with me. Yeah, I got a room

all set up. But if you bring a lady
home, use the back door. Cheryl's still

sister. We don't want to rub her face in
it.

No, that's not why I'm out here.

I miss Dana.

You and Dana, I did not see that coming.

Did you see this coming?

I don't miss her like that.

I miss her living around here.

Ever since she and Ryan moved to L .A.,
Cheryl doesn't have anybody to unload

her girl talk with.

Oh, someone's got a new best girlfriend.

Knock it off.

Yes, you do.

Yesterday I had to talk to her about two
different shades of lipstick, Toast of

New York and Smokey Rose.

And guess which one she bought?

Well, given her complexion, I'd go with
the Smokey. Neither!

Half the conversations we have are about
what she could have bought, but didn't.

Oh, so you sneak out here to save her a
little peace and quiet.

Exactly.

Or freeze to death.

And quite frankly, it'll be a lot
quicker and painless than listening to

Cheryl's epic tales.

Well, hey, buddy.

I'm always up for a little porch time.

And even if Cheryl figures out you're
here, I'll just hang around. She can

my ear for a while.

Really? Sure.

Anything for my best porch, buddy.

Indy.

Coming! Oh, now she's going to find us!

Uh, not us. You. See you, buddy.

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

So, long story short, I was finally able
to parallel park, and everything turned

out fine.

Great, Cheryl.

But isn't that really long story long?

Oh.

You wouldn't believe what Gordon pooped
today.

Okay, Cheryl, hit me.

What did Gordon poop today?

Well, you know, honestly, I wouldn't
even know how to describe the color.

Toasty Rose, Smoke of New York.

You know, let's get back to that. Do you
remember those snowman dish towels I

wanted to buy, but I didn't?

I tried to forget, but I couldn't.

You know what? It's easier if I show you
the catalog.

Wait. Hey, Dad. Hey, Cal, come here.

Hey. Son, there you are.

Why don't you sit on Daddy's lap and
keep him company?

No way.

Come on.

Mommy's telling stories.

You marry her.

Santa's going to remember that. Let him
listen to her.

Okay, I found it. All right, look,
honey, see?

Both dish towels match the table runner,
but one has fringe and one doesn't. So

I'm stuck.

You and me both.

Hey. Hi. Oh, thank God you're here. Hey,
what are you guys doing here? Who

cares? They're here.

I got your message, Jim. What's the big
emergency? Oh, well, it's a work

-related thing, and I didn't want to
bore Cheryl with the details.

Then why did you have Andy bring me
over?

Well, you know what? I love to watch his
face light up whenever you're around.

Jim, that is so sweet. Yeah.

Okay, seen it. Bye.

Work. In the kitchen. In the kitchen.

Oh, Cheryl, why don't you tell Emily
about that thing you were telling me,

that thing you were telling me?

So what's the big emergency?

Oh, God, is this about the money from
the grunion job? I swear I'll repay

cent.

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

So what's up? All right.

I wanted you and your girlfriend to come
over here so Emily can soak up some of

the girl talk from Cheryl. I figure
she's having sex with you, so she

knows what boredom is.

Hey, I'm a very creative lover. I do
voices.

And an erotic puppet show.

Andy, as far as I'm concerned, Emily is
replacing Dana. They're going to be new

best friends. Jim, Jim, you can't just
wave a magic wand and force two people

that don't really like each other to be
best friends.

Why not? Cheryl did that with us.

But you liked me.

Yeah, you were way more fun than my old
best friend Danny, who was a crooked

cop, had cub season tickets, and access
to the evidence room.

Danny, huh?

Danny, Danny, Danny. I hate Danny. What
are you up for? He's a good guy. Oh,

really? Yeah. Does he have a guest room
waiting for you with a cold beer and a

free puppet show?

No, no.

But I did have my own bunk at his
riverboat strip club.

Damn it.

Look, the point is that the reason we're
best friends is because you're the only

one around.

And if Emily hangs out with Cheryl
because you're hanging out with me,

fatso, they're new best friends.

Oh, look at that.

They're getting along pretty good.

Oh, great. I'll have to suffer through
another conversation about poop or nail

polish.

I want you to know, for the record, the
second time we hung out, I showed you my

panini maker and you loved it.

You're kidding me, right?

Danny was shaking down half the pizza
parlors in Chicago. We ate like kings.

Damn it!

What's this?

Swatches? Swatches? I hate swatches.

Mom said she wanted to have some holiday
throw pillows made.

Holiday throw pillows?

What the hell's going on here?

You married her. Oh, come on. I hate
this.

She said she wanted to show these fabric
swatches to Emily.

I love this.

Fantastic. Emily's coming over, huh?

Well, you know what, girls? Emily is now
Mommy's new best friend, so...

Act like little girls that people want
to be around.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's Emily?

Oh, she's kind of got a bug. She's not
coming over.

No!

She's not here. Who's going to discuss
swatches with Cheryl?

Hey, hey!

Come back here!

I can't do anything about her being
sick.

You know what? I'm starting not to like
Emily.

Dana never got sick like this.

Or maybe she did and I just never paid
attention.

Oh, all right, Jim.

I'm not going to lie to you like Danny
probably would have.

Play off, Danny.

Emily thinks Cheryl's a fine human
being, but she didn't really enjoy being

alone with her the other night.

Emily's not sick?

Oh, she's sick of Cheryl.

You know, Danny's girlfriend loves
Cheryl.

She writes to her every week from
prison.

Look, Jim, I'm sorry. Emily and Cheryl
just didn't click. They don't have

anything in common.

Come on, they're women. They got ovaries
and mouths. What more do they need?

You know what?

I think it's Emily.

Maybe she's not good talking to people.
What are you saying?

I don't know. Maybe she's nuts. I mean,
look who she's dating.

Well, she talks to her friend Tammy all
the time.

Tammy?

Yeah. Who is Tammy?

She's Emily's best friend.

Dean, you're killing me here.

What? I need to know these things. If
Emily's got a best friend, then she's

already getting her dose of girl talk.

Oh, so when she sees Cheryl, the tank's
already full.

Yeah. That could be the problem.

It's clear what we have to do.

Tammy's got to go.

Jim, murder seems a little drastic.

Andy. All right, Danny wouldn't be such
a baby.

Fine, we'll kill her, but we're taking
your car.

You know, for the record, I had a best
friend long before you ever showed up.

Oh, really?

What's his name?

Mom.

How can your mom be your best friend?

You took her to the prom and she went
home with another guy.

Hey, guys.

Hey. How are you?

Oh.

Thank you.

So nice that you could come, Emily.
Thank you. No problem.

Andy, your message was a little weird.

Well, it's because what we have to tell
you is a little weird. I just feel

dirty.

Oh, honey, what happened?

Well, somebody made a clumsy and
unwelcome pass at Andy.

It was your so -called friend, Tammy.
You told me you'd never say that name

again. Come on, be strong.

Wait a second. Tammy?

My Tammy?

Made a pass at you?

When and where did this happen?

Yesterday and on his behind.

I was at the mall just trying to be
friendly. Five seconds later, her hands

everywhere. And I'm thinking, ooh.

Cherry cobbler samples.

It's my lucky day.

Except for the bad touching.

It's so weird that she would make a path
at you because she tried for so long to

talk me out of dating you.

Right, right, right. Well, that's where
it started.

She had her eyes on Andy the whole time.

She was laying down the groundwork from
square one.

She stole my smile!

Easy, Daisy Mae.

Easy.

You know what? I'm gonna call Tammy
right now.

Whoa!

Why would you do that? She's just gonna
deny it. I mean, what you need right now

is another woman to talk this through,
not that... that slut boyfriend stealing

Tammy.

I could call Linda. She's not a...

What?

Who's Linda?

Her other friend.

Two friends? Who's got two friends?

Oh, wait. She's on vacation.

Well, you know who would be great to
talk to? Hmm.

Cheryl.

Really? Yeah, yeah. I mean, she's a good
listener. She gives great advice, and

she won't have wandering hands with this
one.

You know what? That sounds like a really
good idea. Yeah.

Come over.

Well, I get off work around 5, so 5 .01,
5 .02.

Jeez,

Jim. Emily and Cheryl have been yapping
at each other for over an hour. Yeah.

We're home free.

They're best friends.

And I'll never have to talk to my wife
again.

Now when we come over, I can hang with
you while Cheryl talks to Emily.

It's like my old life, but when we get
home, I get a little lovin'. Yeah.

And no talking afterwards, because
everything's been said to somebody else.

Oh, Jim.

You plus Emily equals the perfect
girlfriend.

Back up a little bit.

Oh, my God. Here comes Emily. Okay. Move
away from the door. Okay.

Let's just act naturally. Act natural?
What does that mean? Let's arm wrestle.

That's it.

Oh,

God. Oh, you're strong.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing? Just a little arm
wrestling.

Totally natural.

Andy, can we go home now?

Wait, wait, so what happened? How was
your talk with Cheryl about Andy and

Tammy? Don't say that name I was
tampered with.

Actually, I didn't get a chance to bring
it up.

Why not?

Well, because she showed me some poop,
and then she was off to the races.

God, God, listen, why don't you come
back tomorrow and finish your talk?

No way, I'm done.

Done? You see, that's the way Cheryl is.

She likes to talk one day and then let
you talk the next day.

Oh, look, my friend, the back door.
Gonna use it. There you go.

Curses! Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

I'll be thinking about you when I'm
getting busy with my girl.

You know what I mean.

and I said I do.

I thought that was the last time I was
going to talk.

And then I thought, I am not paying that
for a cheese slicer.

But then I looked closer and I realized
it's a slicer and a grater and a cuber.

So then I thought, I have to buy it.

But then I didn't.

That's it.

That is it, Cheryl.

Cheryl, come here, come here. I have to
have a serious talk with you.

Oh, the slicer.

I should have bought it, right? No.

Cheryl.

Cheryl, I don't want you to take this
the wrong way, all right?

But for the last couple of weeks, I just
can't make myself care about a single

word you say.

Jim, that doesn't seem very nice. Don't
talk.

You're going to lose me.

Go ahead.

Then I realized.

That it wasn't my fault that I didn't
care.

It's your fault.

You've become really, really boring.

You're right.

You're right. I am really boring.

My God, I spent three months at my
mother's, six months on bed rest, and

months with babies. I've completely
forgotten how to talk to people.

Jim?

Jim?

What?

I did it again.

Cheryl, you can't stop doing it. Why do
you think Emily just ran out of here

screaming? Oh, my God, I bored her, too?

You know what, Cheryl?

I think Dana was a better person than I
knew.

She actually liked talking to you.

Or she moved away because of you.

Jim, help me be more interesting. I
mean, I used to be interesting, right?

Probably.

I mean, I just can't remember a
specific.

To be honest with you, I was just
staring at your chest most of the time.

Is that the secret? Maybe you should
actually lose a button?

Well, it couldn't hurt.

I mean, you get me back, I can't speak
for Emily.

What are you going to do?

You need a new best friend who doesn't
think I'm boring.

Cheryl, we're going to have to re
-socialize you.

I can help you with that.

Here's the first thing.

You've got to stop talking about the
kids.

But they're so interesting.

You're right, they're boring.

We should have stopped after Ruby.

Oh, my pants are buzzing. That's either
a text or those buttons are working.

No, it's Andy.

Red alert, red alert.

What does that mean?

I don't know. It's either about
communism or hot sauce.

I just got off the phone with Tammy. Oh,
red alert.

What's going on?

Emily, don't be mad. I can explain.

I have a best friend named Tammy.

Jim and Andy told me that Tammy made a
pass at Andy.

Tammy just told me that she's been in
bed all week with the flu.

All right, you two.

What's going on?

Well, what do you mean?

I can smell one of your dopey schemes a
mile away.

All I know is that Tammy told me that
she didn't even... Hang on. I got this.

You're right. We should have killed
Tammy. I told you.

All right.

Here's what went down.

Dana, my sister and best friend, just
moved away.

I have been boring Jim with poop talk.

Andy has no self -esteem, so he does
whatever Jim says.

And Jim remembered that when we started
dating, I ordered him to be friends with

Andy. He liked me. I made panini.

Shut it. I want to see what she's doing
here.

Okay.

Jim convinced Andy to tell you that
Timmy hit on him, so you would dump her

be best friends with me, solving
everybody's problems.

You know, assuming you're an idiot.

Well, forgive me for trying to save our
marriage.

All right, here we go. It's true, it's
true, it's true. You were trying to make

me your best friend and talk about poops
and nail polish and swatches. Well, I'm

going to tell you, that's not a
husband's job.

That's a girlfriend's job.

What? That's right.

Big finish.

And you know what?

You're totally on your way to ruining
our sexual polarity.

Okay, I got to ask, what is sexual
polarity? I don't know. Most of the time

just sort of tune them out. Yeah.

I try and do that, but sometimes the
only way to get Andy to shut up is to

get him into bed.

Why do you think I have five kids?

What's happening?

A friendship.

A beautiful friendship.

I gotta say, this is completely
fascinating.

Fascinating? Ha ha ha!

That's a long way from being boring,
Cheryl.

Oh my God, you're right.

I'm talking to a grown -up.

You're welcome.

All right, Emily, come on into the
kitchen. I'll make some coffee. You got

more stories about these two being
monkeys?

I've got stories about them smuggling
monkeys.

Screw the coffee. I'm going to need
wine.

Wine? Just like Dana? Yeah.

Yes! All right!

All right, Andy.

Now we can sit around and, you know, do
more interesting manly stuff.

Mm -hmm.

Hey, did I tell you about the great poop
I had yesterday?

Yes, but it doesn't mean I don't want to
hear about it again.