All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s08e01_the_blankie

Cheryl! Cheryl!

Shh, shh.

I took the babies to sleep. What did you
do?

My shirt got me. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, the light.

I'm sorry, honey. I was just so tired
being up all night with the twins.

Talking about when you got up, you woke
me up.

And when you walk, your bones crack.

How old are you?

I'm tired.

You're tired?

I'm the one raising three kids and two
babies. You don't even get to use the

word tired.

How about I got a job?

Can I use the word mortgage, bills,
college fund?

All right, I can't say that word.

You know, Jim, you can say whatever
words you want. Because I will just

Breastfeeding and C -section.

All right.

Don't try to confuse me by saying
breast.

Oh, you know, I am not going to have
this fight now. I don't want to have it

either. No. Listen, I got a Bears game
to watch this afternoon, and they never

win when I'm tired.

Are you planning on sitting downstairs
all day watching television?

Of course not, honey.

I'm going to go to a bar.

Come on. I can't got through those kids
screaming down there.

What the hell is that?

Stupid video game you got them. Go, go,
go. They're going to wet the baby. Oh,

just when I got them down.

I got them down.

Okay, cool, fine, sure.

Yeah, well, if you wake up those babies,
you're going to be rocking a box under

the bridge.

Look at what you did.

Cheryl.

I hear the babies crying.

Thanks for the update, Jim.

Not a fan of that tone, Cheryl.

upset your mother, and that's with a
full night's rest.

All right, everybody, listen up. I am
leaving. I'll be gone for hours. I'm not

going to tell you where I'm going, so
don't call me. Goodbye.

Wait a second, Cheryl. I think you
forgot something.

What might that be, Jimmy?

Well, the babies, your other kids, the
laundry, and I got a Bears game on at

noon.

I didn't forget.

I haven't slept for weeks. I am at my
limit.

Are you leaving because of us, Mommy?

Absolutely.

would have lied to spare your feelings,
but those days are gone. Wait, wait,

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl.

Cheryl, you can't go.

Why?

Because we're a team.

All right, I didn't believe that either.

Cheryl,

listen to that.

Crap, crap, crap, crap. This Jonathan
cries all day long. With my weak heart,

you can come back here. I may be dead.

If he cries, Pick him up or give him
this. This is his snowman blankie. If

lose this, you'll wish you were dead.

And for making me cross the room
unnecessarily, I'm going to stay out an

hour.

Don't follow me.

You broke your mother.

What are we going to do, Daddy? We all
got to take some responsibility in this

house.

All right, now you kids, you watch the
twins while I go make lunch.

grilled cheese?

I didn't say I was making lunch for you.

Hey, Ruby Gracie,

come on. Kick off in five minutes. I
need you to watch the babies.

Mommy's boob. Come on, grab it.

All right, all right.

All right.

There we go.

Hey, Calvin.

That's called using your head.

Oh, my God.

Game time.

Okay.

Now I'm going to put you down.

Okay.

Look at Gordon.

See? Why can't you be happy and quiet
like Gordon?

But no, you've got to be the difficult
one.

Let me just give you that

little blankie of yours, all right?

Where's the blankie?

Gordon, you have it?

Where's the blankie?

Yes! Hi!

Hi,

all right, all right, all right, all
right, I got you.

Oh, Jonathan, I can't hold you for the
whole game.

I might spike you by accident.

Oh, man, oh, man.

Is there anything better than 10 .5
hours of sleep? Answer, two -hour nap

breakfast.

Shut your yap and help me find the
stupid baby, stupid snowman blankie.

You know, Jim, you get more flies with
honey.

Kids, get down here!

They were supposed to watch the babies
during the game. Now I can't even find

them, and then they lost the kids'
blankie! Well, just draw a snowman on a

towel. He won't know babies are idiots.

I thought so, too. But they know.

It's like they're people.

This blankie is like you and that stupid
stuffed elephant you had as a kid.

Lord Tuskington is not stupid.

He's a lifelong companion, and if I rub
his ears, he takes me to dreamland. Oh,

come on.

Okay. God.

Where have you been?

You're supposed to watch a baby. Where
have you been?

We finished that, so we decided to go
watch TV.

You lost his blankie.

Greasy. Ruby.

Kyle.

All right, look. Everybody's got to
pitch in here and have some

responsibilities, and you guys just
dropped the ball. Oh, finally.

Finally, you three rats get what's
coming to you.

Beat him, Jim. Beat him. Beat him with a
belt.

Andy, just settle down here, all right?

And promise you'll never have children.

Why not?

44 inches of reversible pleather make
for very obedient kids.

Andy! Fine.

56.

All right, kids, you are not responsible
enough to watch your brothers, so I got

to care for them. So you're going to do
my jobs.

Drink coffee and read the paper?

Okay, Ruby.

Start making dinner.

Gracie, laundry. Kyle, upstairs. Make
the bed, clean the trash, and pick up

these toys.

We're sorry we lost the blankie, Dad. I
don't want to hear sorry. I want to hear

vacuuming, scrubbing, and whatever sound
a meatloaf makes.

Damn it.

If I don't find that blankie, Andy,
we're going to have to hold him for the

whole game.

Hey, what about taking him for a drive?
That usually calms him down.

Yeah. That is a great idea, Andy. That
is great, Uncle Andy.

Okay, you can take my truck. Just have
him back at the end of the game.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, my God. Look at that.

It's blatant. I've had it the whole
time.

I must have put it in my pocket when I
was putting stuff in my pocket.

You yelled at your kids for no reason. I
think someone owes them an apology.

I don't owe them nothing. They never
pitch in around here. I finally got them

and working.

Dad?

I intend to keep it that way.

Yes? Do you want mashed potatoes with
the meatloaf?

Why, yes, I want mashed potatoes with my
meatloaf and some gravy.

Don't you think that's dishonest?

Ruby.

And make sure there's enough for Uncle
Andy.

Yeah, and bake a cake. It's my half
birthday.

finish the laundry. Good girl.

But you didn't find the blankie that you
lost.

You know what? Maybe it's at the bottom
of the diaper peel.

doing up on the roof?

Oh, uh, partly looking for the blankie
and partly putting Santa and the

up.

Good job. You gonna have him do the
lights? Oh, come on, Andy, that's not

You know what, Jim? I've been thinking
about this new workforce we have

available. I mean, Ruby's cooking is
nice, but her meatloaf won't fetch the

pigeon out of my crawl spade.

A man who's looking to make a deal.

All right.

I'm reasonable.

I'll rent my kids.

What is the offer?

Now we're talking.

The kids work whenever I need them. And
in exchange, I don't rat you out to

Cheryl.

Come on. What kind of low, dirty deal is
that?

I make you an honest offer of slave
labor and you try to extort me?

The way I see it, I hold all the cards
here. Now tell Gracie to get some

matches. I got a burnout pilot light
that her tiny fingers just might reach.

You know, I got some tiny fingers
that'll go right through your nose.

Oh, you're going to play some hardball,
Doc?

Hey,

honey, you're back.

Yeah, well, I got halfway to my ex
-boyfriend's house. I started to feel

Come on.

I spent the day at his spa, and it was
just what I needed.

Wow, the place looks great.

Doesn't it? Oh, there are my babies.

And do I smell dinner?

Yep. Oh, and it was so cute. Kyle's out
front making snow angels.

You know, Jim, you have got to tell me
your secret.

Well, uh, it's, uh... Yeah, yeah, Jim,
tell her. I would, but I'm drawing a

blankie.

knock it off. I just want to wet my
beak. Some laundry, some light dusting,

a casserole of my choosing. No deal!

Forget it! Alright.

What's going on?

Um... Your husband, a man I've never
liked,

lost Jonathan's blankie, and then blamed
the kids for it.

He then found the blankie, hid it, and
guilted the kids into doing all the work

around here.

That is genius.

No, no.

Yes, yes it is. No, no, it's evil. It's
only genius if I get a piece. You heard

the girl.

It's genius. Get out. Okay, come on,
please.

Out. A casserole and a car wash. Out. A
sandwich and a back row. Out. A cracker

and a back scratch. A pleasant smile
something.

Out.

Wait, Jim, be reasonable.

I think Andy deserves a pleasant smile.

All right,

the babies are essence.

Oh, great, great, great. You didn't
forget the blankie, did you? Because if

kids find it, we're screwed.

Mama don't make mistakes like that.

You know, Jonathan spit up on that
earlier.

That's all right. He spit up in here,
too.

Come on. Get the blankie. Get the
blankie. Hide it. Hide it. Get in bed.

bed. Get in bed.

Here you go.

Ah.

Thank you.

Oh, thanks, kids. But for the record, 12
-15 means 12 -15.

You know, the only thing better than
breakfast in bed is lunch in bed.

I wonder if there's anything better than
lunch in bed.

Perhaps we'll find out at 6 o 'clock.

Are you guys ever going to get up?

I don't know, honey. We're really tired.

It took us a long time to get your
brother to sleep last night.

You know, without his blankie.

Remember, kids, how you lost his
blankie?

Well, they're sleeping now.

Well, sometimes they fall asleep from
fatigue and sibling neglect.

I'm defrosting some short ribs for
dinner. Oh, great.

Oh, and listen, there's a funny noise in
Danny's car. Can you check under the

hood for me?

To fewer kids and more servants.

Oh, look at you working so hard.

What is this, an orphanage?

What a shame, especially when it's
completely unnecessary.

If you've got a point, get to it, fatty.

We've got windows to do.

Look, I have some information you're
going to want. But to get it, I need a

little light shoveling and a pilot light
relit in a poorly ventilated closet

that may or may not have spiders.

Deal.

You never lost the blankie.

Your dad had it in his pocket the whole
time.

Oh my gosh, our parents are jerks.

I've never liked them.

What do we do?

Oh, lucky for you, you got one good
uncle with one spectacular plan.

What is it? Ah, no, no, no, no. We can
talk while you clear a possum nest out

my chimney. Now move it.

Cheryl, the twins are going to be up in
a minute. Where's the blankie? I'm going

to need it. It's under your pillow.

Nope, not here.

Yeah, that's where I put it.

Well, it's not there now.

Check your bra.

It's not there.

Let me check. Oh, Jim!

It's here. No, it isn't.

Looking for something?

Uh... No, we're just, uh...

Making a bed.

Which is really a job for the kids. I'll
do it. Come on.

I don't think so.

Those days are over.

What are you talking about?

Maybe this picture will explain.

It's the blankie.

With today's newspaper.

Get yourself cleaned up and come
downstairs.

We'll talk business while you...

Cook short ribs.

Amy's right. Get the belt.

What kind of parents lie to their
children and blackmail them into doing

housework?

It was her idea. I love y 'all.

Who wants their next birthday party at
the spa?

Oh, me, me, me.

Kyle. Hey, if you fall off the roof, you
don't want a massage, too.

Well, let's cut to the chase. What do
you guys want for the blankie? I'm sure

can work something out. We'll start with
no more cooking.

Or cleaning.

Or laundry.

And I really want that spa birthday.

Deal. Deal. Where's the blankie? Wait,
wait, wait.

No, no, no. Deal. No, you can't.

I want to see the blankie.

I want to see the blankie now.

Okay, okay, everybody, beat.

blankie right now.

That voice is familiar.

Yeah.

So is that double chin.

street right now haha you think you're
so smart i'm not across the street

we

can still keep the blankie for ourselves

just as long as the kids and cheryl
don't find out

Cheryl's going to be the tough one to
fool.

Oh, please.

I act dumb, but she's the slow one.

We can see you.

Damn it!

All right, we admit we may have taken
things a little too far lately.

Well, I wanted to tone it down, but
Mother kind of ran with it.

Anyway, the truth is we're now a family
of seven.

And the only way we're going to survive
is by all pitching in together.

That's right. And while maybe it wasn't
right for us to trick you into doing

things, you know, with Mommy's sneaky
plan, I've got to admit, you guys really

made a difference around here.

It felt good to help out. Yeah.

Sure it did.

You didn't have to clean out a diaper
pail. And you didn't have to get bit by

possum.

Okay, look, the point is, is we are a
family, and we stick together.

And now Daddy and I are going to spend a
day relaxing.

What? No fair!

Calm down.

I got you some help.

Your stupid Johnny cakes are ready.

Awesome! Seriously, we get our own
service?

Yes. Get the belt.