All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s07e16_the_cheater

All right, let's get going here. You got
to get to school.

There's no milk left.

Oh, there's plenty in there. You guys
have it too good.

There's no way this milk can fetch over
three balls of cereal.

You know what?

When your daddy was raised during the
Great Depression, you know what we had

put on our cereal?

Tears.

The Great Depression was in the 30s.

Honey, we were so poor we couldn't
afford calendars.

This will pick you up.

Jim.

What? That's too rough.

And use more lotion.

Fine. But I want you to know this counts
as foreplay if we ever have sex again.

Ow! What? What pinched me?

My wedding ring? Take it off.

Gladly.

What was that?

Sadly.

All right.

Here's your tea.

Hope I got it right this time. Yeah, we
both do.

All right, listen here, Missy. You might
be able to boss him around because he

violated you. Dana, could I have a word
with you in the hallway? But she's being

completely... Dana! Word!

Hallway!

Yeah, and when you're done with that,
perhaps you could bring me a teacup

been properly washed.

We'd love to, because we love you. I
don't love her. I think she... Wait!

What is wrong with you? Jim, when I was
pregnant, I didn't have people waiting

on me. No one was rubbing my feet or
bringing me tea that may or may not have

spit in it.

Do you remember the advice my
grandmother from the old country gave?

Yes, always say yes to a pregnant woman
for the entire pregnancy and 40 days

after. Exactly. So if either one of us
fights with her, we're risking the gypsy

curse.

May I use your bathroom up here?

Kyle's arm's stuck in the toilet
downstairs.

Why didn't you help him out?

Isn't it safer this way? You know where
he is.

Excuse me!

Pregnant lady with wrong tea and dry
feet!

Oh, dry feet! Good heavens!

Dina, just do exactly what I do.

You have to adopt a yes -and -yes -only
policy. Can you do that, Dina? No.

You're not very good at this, are you?

Can I still spit in her tea?

Sure. But it won't beat what I did to
her cupcakes.

And we warm the lotion thusly.

Oh, you've got to teach Jim how to do
that.

Well, somebody ought to. She's made a
complete hash of things.

Give me that.

Use delicate strokes, Jim.

Parallel to the planter fashion.

I thought I'd really like... I'd like to
go downstairs and hang out on the sofa

with you guys.

You know, you're kind of isolated up
here. You know what I mean?

Yes. And yes only.

You know what?

Maybe we could all do something
together, like a game night.

Game night?

You mean like where we play games at
night?

Yeah.

I don't know. Those don't seem to go so
well here.

No, they do.

You know what I want to play? I want to
play Pioneers of NOAC. Oh, good God.

Cheryl, Cheryl, now there's two things
we don't talk about in this house, and

that is playing Pioneers of NOAC or the
time I saw your mother in the shower.

Hey, you could do a lot worse than
seeing Mom in the shower.

It was worse. She wasn't alone.

And that is why we don't talk about it.

Are you sure?

Pioneers of NOAC?

What's the big deal?

Who was with Mom, Jim, huh? Who was it?
Was it that gardener? Or the skunk from

the library? I'll kill him!

Look, Cheryl, I don't want to be
negative in any way, but last year when

played that game, it was kind of a
disaster.

It was fun.

I don't remember fun.

That's a double unka.

We all have to discard half our hand.
All right.

There you go.

Was that half?

Yep.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, my turn. Okay, there you go.

Nine!

Okay, this is a cannon, so I wipe out
Dana's village. Oh, sayonara, D -town.

stable of barmaids get syphilis.

Damn it! I used my penicillin card on my
rheumatic son.

I gotta say, the syphilis is my fault.

You know what? My soldiers get a little
restless when there's no war.

And a hurricane wipes out Jimbo.

Wait a minute. We had a truce. You had a
truce.

I had a plan to build my town square
and...

Damon, I should have never built those
schools. I should have stuck the boys in

a mine and sold the girls to Andy.

I'm getting a beer.

Oh, hey, you want to get me one? No.

Thanks, I'd love to come with you.

Do you believe the luck of that woman?

Man.

No.

I cannot.

Wouldn't you say her winning streak is a
wee bit suspicious?

No, Andy. wouldn't say that because it
sounds a wee bit fruity.

Jim, Cheryl is cheating.

Cheryl?

Cheating the most honest woman in the
world? Are you out of your mind? No. I

mean, she made a plunge to PBS, got the
tote bag, and still paid.

Let me break it down for you. On that
last move, she won by playing three

but on the previous turn, she had to
discard half her hand and only laid down

two. Do the math.

She's cheating.

Something's rotten in Nowak Village.

And it's not just the mattresses from
Andy's house of billiards and whores.

Okay, my turn.

played four cards when you could
possibly have more than two.

Excuse me?

I think your winning streak is a wee bit
suspicious.

Suspicious? A wee bit.

But it's fruity when I say it.

What exactly are you saying about your
loving wife, the mother of your

I'm saying you're a cheater.

You are a cheater. You cheated this
game, you cheated the last game, and I

to see your canceled check from PBS.

Oh, save it, Blondie.

There's no way you can beat me three
times in a row like that.

Oh, I see. I have to cheat because I'm
so stupid.

Come on, you cheated, you cheated. You
saw her cheating and he bet me up here.

Oh, oh, I don't know, Jim.

That's a little harsh.

Cheryl, you are hiding cards.

Do you even hear yourself?

I bet he does.

I bet the neighbors do, too.

I don't care. Let the neighbors hear,
Dana. They should hear that Cheryl's a

cheater. She's a cheater.

Oh, my God.

Is that how you got elected treasurer of
the PTA?

Everything's tainted now.

I am your wife. I will not be talked to
like that. Oh, really? How about this? I

think you're a cheater.

Those are actually the same voices.

Why don't we play a new game?

It's called What Happens When You Mix
White Wine with Red Wine?

I think I won that round.

Yeah, Dina, well, don't play Cheryl,
because she'll just cheat.

Oh, the last time I played the wine
game, I almost cheated on my husband.

You know what? This conversation is
over.

Don't do this, Jim.

Cheryl Mabel, empty your pockets.

Fine.

Search me if you like, Jim, but know
this.

If you don't find any cards, this
marriage is as good as over.

When you say marriage is over, do you
mean like, you know, great makeup, sex

three days, or you get half my stuff?

The latter.

If it only costs you a ladder, Jim, I
think I'd go for it.

I still have no clue where he got the
idea that you were cheating.

More lotion?

Well, Jim did hurt my feelings, but I
think he learned his lesson. Oh, yeah. I

learned that I really, really love my
stuff.

I mean, you know, our stuff.

Our kids, our family, et cetera, et
cetera.

So, game on?

Oh, God, please, no.

A curse on you and all who bear your
name.

Was that a gypsy curse or a pirate
curse?

Pioneers of Nowak it is.

All

right,

Andy and I are going to get some snacks.
This is your last chance to eat pizza

and watch hockey.

No, thanks.

Eat salad and watch hockey?

Nope.

Eat salad and watch Oprah?

Watch Oprah eat salad.

Just pioneers of NOAC.

And maybe some salad.

Ooh, this is gonna be a great date!

I know!

All right, what are you up to?

What do you mean?

Are you kidding?

I was there. I remember what really
happened.

I'm going to get a beer.

Want to get me one? No.

Thanks. I'd love to join you.

What are those?

What? Where? Nothing.

You're sitting on a bunch of cards. No,
I'm not.

Get up.

You get up.

Okay.

Now you get up.

I asked you first.

And I'm up.

I'm looking great. Are you on a diet?
Oh!

No, no, no, no!

Ha! Oh, wow!

How did those get there?

Yep, they must have fallen out of my
hand.

And crawled under your ass?

You're cheating!

Prove it! I just did!

Oh, fine.

Just wanted to beat Jim.

Well, so do I sometimes.

Mostly with a stick.

gonna be like if he catches you pretend
you're jim

cheryl mabel you're cheating how

dare you i suppose i can only beat you
by cheating because i'm so stupid this

marriage is as good as over all right
i'm a big jerk let me touch your boobs

you're right that will work yeah
although he normally doesn't ask he just

of dives right in but other than that

I'm not going to just sit here and play
this stupid game all night while I know

for a fact that you're cheating.

Fine.

How about you sit there and drink a lot
of wine all night while you know that

I'm cheating?

Okay.

Tonight is our chance, Jim.

We bait the trap, and when she sticks in
her little paw, slam!

We've got that lying, cheating skank.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. She's not a
skank.

But before you, there were a lot of
guys.

Knock it off.

Lots.

Andy!

She threw it around like birds.

All right, knock it off.

Come on, the last time you pulled this
nonsense, it cost me.

I felt really bad for weeks.

Then I pretend I felt bad for weeks
after that.

Does this knock at all? Okay, okay,
okay.

Watch the cards.

Watch the cards.

And watch Dana.

She gets a little gym fever when she's
been drinking.

In fact, some of Andy's cows are
syphilis, just gravy.

Should have never put that brothel in
the hayloft.

Ah, something.

Okay, all right. Now that's a double
cunka. We all have to discard.

Are you questioning me?

I think we all know how well that went
last time.

I think you should both probably go.

And Andy, I think you should drive Dana.

That's right, I'm drunk.

And Jim... You

know.

And Cheryl, I spit in your tea.

Yeah. Seems he was tickling more than
the ivories.

All

right,

Jim. Go ahead.

I'm what a terrible person I am.

Believe me, I'd love to, but I can't.

Give me one good reason why.

Well, first of all, you're pregnant.

And my alcoholic grandmother instilled
the irrational fear of gypsies in me.

Oh, I see. You're afraid to yell at me,
chicken.

I do want to fight.

Why would I pick a fight with you?
You've been nothing but nice to me this

pregnancy. Because when we argue,
there's heat, and you miss that.

No, no, no. You miss the emotional
intimacy.

I mean, I know I've missed the real
intimacy, so you must miss the lady

-likeness.

Okay, genius.

Then tell me why I cheated a year ago.
Because of the same reason.

You poked a marriage every once in a
while just to keep it alive.

And I'm sensing when you said genius,
you were being sarcastic.

You think?

You just did it again.

Yeah, you're picking a fight with me.
What are you doing? I don't know.

Maybe I'm tired of this yes man.

So you missed the fight?

Maybe I do miss the fight.

Maybe I miss the intimacy.

I miss you.

Well, never let it be said, matey, that
I didn't give my wife exactly what she

wanted.

So, you want to fight?

Oh, yeah.

I want to fight.

I'd give you a fight.

You pathetic, cheating, tubby tubbalard!

Did anybody ever tell you you look like
a boiled thumb?

Oh, come on!

You can do better than that! Oh, I
can't!

There's plenty more where that came
from, matey!

Was

that

a good enough fight for you, baby?

You rocked my world.

But I may want to fight again in 20
minutes.