All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s07e15_the_six-week_curse

Oh, what a great front, Emily.

I got to say, you are the best
girlfriend Andy's ever had.

It's not a big field, but you're
definitely out in front.

Are you saying that because I made you
Belgian waffles? No, I'm saying that

because you offered to clean up
afterwards.

No, I mean it.

Don't be silly. That's what kids are
for.

Alvin, Simon, Theodore, show my
girlfriend how we scrub dishes.

So you really like him?

Yeah. You know, the man keeps emergency
candy in his shoes.

Please, I showed her that at our first
date.

I had a craving for caramel, and there
it was, warm and soft.

Mmm, just like my girl.

Except bits of sock aren't stuck to you.

I'm going to be honest.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's alright son you did your best all
right Emily you're up. Oh, no, I mean

And

my

friend Nicole kept telling me that I
should try internet dating

I just can't believe that it worked out.

Internet dating?

Yeah. Oh, because I always thought that
was for losers.

44 -inch waist, serious mother issues,
picture of Mr.

Sulu by my bed.

Two kids scared of the dark, last seven
husbands died mysteriously.

Oh, you're both losers.

I thought it was just the ending.

How's the whale doing?

I'm sitting right here.

I meant the pregnant whale upstairs.

Whale? How dare you? That's my wife.

She's enormous.

When she goes into labor, we're going to
have to take her out the window like a

piano.

I spent an hour last night rubbing her
back before I realized it was her thigh.

I brought her some magazines, though.
Dana, I can bring those up to her. She

sleeping earlier, and I didn't get a
chance to say hello. Oh, that's really

sweet of you. Yeah, that, and I want to
take my picture next to her so that I

look thinner.

I hear that. I got a couple of wallets
with her myself.

Felt like I was five years old again.

You know what, Andy?

Yeah? I really like her. I don't get it.

What is she getting out of this
relationship?

Every woman's dream.

A man who has unbridled passion and very
little stamina.

You know, Jim's right. She's really
great.

I'm going to miss her. Oh, Dana, don't
remind me. What are you two talking

about? The six -week curse.

Yeah. What? All of Andy's girlfriends
dump him at six weeks. You never noticed

that? Well, you assume I pay attention
to people besides myself.

Well, at least I have another week with
her.

No, you don't. Today's the 28th.

No. Yeah.

Oh, God, no.

Yeah, you've only got until tonight.

You better save her every beautiful
moment. Yeah, and maybe try to get her

it with me in public.

Cheryl has a craving for black licorice.
I told her that Andy had some in his

shoe, but she said she ate it yesterday.

Oh, yeah, I snagged that for her.

It was red licorice, but I think it was
in there a little too long.

Anyway, I'm going to run to the store
for her.

Yeah, I guess this is it.

Yeah, yeah, it is. It is the time I'm
going to the store.

Bye.

Bye.

Damn it.

She's not coming back. It's the curse.

Andy, she's just going to the store.

For Mexico.

Andy, calm down, all right?

She left her coat. She's going to come
back.

A coat?

A coat is nothing, Jim. You remember
Jennifer?

I'm still driving her car.

Oh, thank you.

I forgot my coat.

Must be chilly down in Mexico.

Oh, Andy, don't be ridiculous. There's
no such thing as a six -week curse.

There is with Andy.

All his relationships are great for five
weeks, but at six weeks, bam, it's

over, and he's crying on my couch,
sucking on a lollipop he found in his

I don't know what happens.

Well, is six weeks the first time you
take your shirt off?

and they just dumped me for no reason at
all. No reason, Jim. No reason, Jim.

You remember that girl, Gloria?

Mm -hmm.

I love your letterman's jacket.

What sport do you play?

Nothing. I'm on the committee that
orders the jackets.

This has been the best six weeks of my
life.

Oh, mine too.

Gloria, I want to ask you something.

Would you... Yes?

Go on a diet with me?

What? Well, I think we could both stand
to lose a few.

You think I'm fat?

No, no, no, no, no.

You're just big boned. Like me.

The next day, we were supposed to weigh
in together at the student health

center, but she never showed up.

To this day, I still don't know what
happened.

What happened?

You called her fat!

You know, I remember that girl, Gloria.
She really spiraled after she dated you.

And then she did get fat.

They called her Gloria Feed Me Moria.

See? See? Told ya. It's not me. It's the
curse.

Okay, okay. How about Carmen?

Huh? 1999, 1st of April to mid -May?

Andy, this has been the

best six weeks of my life.

And it's only going to get better
tomorrow night when we finally get to

Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace.

Oh, I can't wait. I already marked it
down on my calendar.

Oh, look.

A Hello Kitty date book.

Don't you think it's cute?

No, I think it's stupid.

What are you saying?

That you're the biggest nerd on the
planet.

Me? You're the one that's obsessed with
Star Wars.

Which is the coolest movie ever.

You keep a toy lightsaber under your car
seat.

That is for protection.

Prepare for lightspeed. This date is
over.

See? We had a little difference of
opinion, and the curse took over. You

one girl fat and another a nerd. That's
not a curse. That's chronic dumbass.

Okay, okay.

All right. How about Rhonda from last
year? How was that my fault?

Andy, this has been the best six weeks
of my

life.

Do you want to get away next weekend?

I know a little place in Wisconsin.

We could canoe, hike, pick fresh
berries.

Translation, have nothing but sex.

Is that all you think about?

Sex, sex, sex.

What are you talking about?

I really care about you. All you care
about is getting me out of these pants.

Four.

Blindsided again.

of the blue no reason at all you're the
curse you idiot you're sabotaging

your relationships why would i do that
well maybe you're afraid that they're

gonna break up with you you know because
you're a fat nerdy sex maniac what are

you reading into this you suffer from
low self -esteem and you project traits

that you don't like about yourself on
others it's a preemptive strike against

rejection

Well, I had court -ordered therapy for
six months.

Some of it stuck.

Like, I want to listen to a guy who
wears G .I. Joe underoos to bed every

Oh, my God, that's me.

I do that. I'm projecting my underwear.

Okay, okay, you've got to help me. What
do I do?

Well, first of all, you know that
wearing G .I. Joe underwear does not

you're going commando.

figured out the problem, maybe we can
fix it. Well, we gotta do it quick.

supposed to meet tonight, and I don't
want to blow it.

Although I am getting pretty sick of her
hairy man boobs.

Oh, my God! I did it again! I need help!

Hey, where's Andy?

Oh, he's in the bathroom shaving his
chest.

I hope he uses scissors first, because
fur like that can get really stuck in

ears.

Stupid razor! I'm cursed, I tell ya!

All right, listen. I think I've come up
with a way to fix Andy. Yeah?

You remember when I used hypnotherapy to
quit smoking?

Again, you're assuming that I pay
attention to people besides myself.

All right. Well, it's really worked for
me, and I think I can put Andy under.

Oh, come on, Dana. You've got to be
trained for that kind of stuff. Not

There's a certain suggestible, weak
-minded kind of person that you can

hypnotize like that.

brain of a leaf.

All right.

We've got to boost his self -esteem by
installing positive messages into his

subconscious. Okay. But first, let's
make him dance around and cluck like a

chicken. No, listen. All I care about is
that he has a great girl like Emily.

Wow, that's unusually sweet of you. And
then we can fill up a pail of corn and

watch him eat it like a pig. Okay.

All right.

Andy, I want you to think about the
first girl who dumped you at six weeks.

Jody.

Who's Jody?

That is that girl that he dated at
that... astronaut program for husky

space camp yeah andy begged to go i want
to spend the summer weightless

andy are you thinking about jody right
now

hi jody what god you look super totally
hot tonight whoa

i'm out of here

Come on, Jody, don't be a teeth.

After six weeks of space camp, I need to
get more in the basement. Oh, I don't

like where this is going, girl.

Do you want to help Andy or not? I don't
want to get a booster rocket where it

doesn't belong.

No. Listen, this could be a crucial
clue.

No. Jody.

Not that.

Fine.

Go ahead. Squeeze him.

lift off.

No, wait.

Wait.

Jody, before this goes any further, I
need to tell you something.

I love you.

Why are you laughing?

Why are all your friends here?

Oh, is this some kind of sick joke?

well this is a dead end ask him about
another girlfriend jim this is where it

started we have to fix

over here and talk to me.

The reason all my friends are here is
because I want them to hear

what I want to say to you.

And that is I love you too.

You do?

Yes.

And you are the greatest guy ever.

Any woman in the galaxy would be lucky
to have you.

Oh. Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, that's enough. Oh,

you're a big girl, aren't you? Okay, all
right, that's enough. Come on, Jody,

let's do this. Okay, uh, uh, Dan, now
what?

Well, I'll just leave you two alone. No,
no, no, no, no, no, Dan, snap him out

of it.

Just leave me where it goes.

I know where it's going. Snap him out of
it. All right, all right, all right.

One,

two, three, snap out of it.

Like a million bucks?

And unusually close to Jim.

Hey, keep your eyes up here.

You know what? We fixed you. Well, you
did something because I feel great about

myself. That's great. There was no more
six -week curse. You don't have to worry

about Emily dumping you.

Emily dumping me?

Please, I'm dumping her tonight.

What? Yeah, I'm way too good for that
thing.

Any woman in the galaxy would be lucky
to have me.

We've created a monster.

And I gave up second base for nothing.

Andy, this has been the best six weeks
of my life.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Hey, doll face.

My name's Andy, as in sweet as candy.

You ready for a sugar rush?

Look at me. I'm fantastic.

You just seem a little different
tonight.

Ah, cool it.

Oh, getting a vibe from this four top of
honeys over here. Yo, you ladies work

for the post office because I need you
to check out my package.

Oh, okay.

Nice little hard body making a beeline
for the handyman.

Oh, that's my sister.

Hi, Jim.

Hi, Dana.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, right. What are we doing here? We
were driving around, and she had to go

the bathroom. Oh, boy, do I. So, hey,
can you come with me? I just went.

I need you to go again.

I'm pretty sure the well is dry.

Okay, well, here's the thing. I can only
pee when I have company. It's the

opposite of shy bladder. It's chatty
bladder. We'll be right back.

Thank you. you brother james for getting
rid of that ball and chain this dog's

got the hunt the only reason you're

acting cocky like this is because
earlier today i told you that i loved

it was the last day of space camp and
and it was magical hey

uh Brother James, do me a favor and hang
around long enough for me to drop the

bomb on Emily. You're much better with
the boo -hoo than I am.

You know what, Andy, I can't take this
anymore. I'm not going to let you mess

this up with Emily. Come here, come
here, come here. Ladies, ladies, can I

your attention, please?

Is there anybody in this room that would
even consider going out with this guy?

Raise your hand.

Uh -oh, look what time it is. Quarter
till cat fight.

Anyone? Come on, how about you, chick,
eating alone on the wrong side of 40?

How about you, clearly married to a gay
guy, huh?

Want a piece of this?

No? Anyone?

I didn't think so.

Wait, seriously, nobody?

Okay, guys, how many of you would like
to spend some time with his date?

Wives, girlfriends, close your eyes.

Thank you. Enjoy your meal.

Sit down, Andy.

Andy, I think I've made my point.

You got a hell of a girl there in Emily.

Is this chicken?

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Jim.

She's gonna dump me. She's way too good
for me. Of course she's way too good for

you, Andy.

Just like Cheryl's way too good for me.

But you know what?

They don't know that.

Well, what if one day she comes home and
figures it out, Jim? They ain't never

going to figure it out, Andy.

You see, there's this terrific flaw in
women like Cheryl and Emily.

They love guys like us who aren't
perfect.

Why?

I don't know why. They want to fix us.

I mean, you know, they don't got jobs.
They got to do something.

Wait, wait.

Really? Yeah.

But here's the really cool part of it.

We can't be fixed.

So they spend the rest of their lives
trying, and we get to keep them forever.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That's crazy.

That's women.

Come on, seriously.

Is this chicken I can't tell with the
sauce on it?

Thank you, Emily.

You really chatted out every last drop.

Don't be so modest. You really did most
of the work.

Did somebody eat my veal?

Veal, of course!

Well, we're gonna run off.

I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.

Thanks, Jody.

I mean, Jim. That was weird. Yeah.

Everybody is acting very strange
tonight.

Hmm. No, I haven't noticed anything.
Like what? Well, you've been hitting on

every woman in here tonight, including
your sister, who, and I can't believe

saying this, just made... me watch her
tinkle yeah um

emily there's something i gotta tell you
and this this is not

easy for me i love you

all right that's it i'm done with women
sir may i buy you a drink

that you keep a lightsaber in your car,
but, you know, I'll get over it. Yeah,

it's for protection. I get it.

Well,

Robin, our work is done here.

Hey, would you like to go out and have a
little dinner?