All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s07e07_period_peace

What?

That help?

Hey, when you're done over here, my
place is a mess.

Very funny.

Something wrong with this thing.

Won't suck anything up. Could be a
couple things.

Probably the bag.

Yeah, when it fills up, the sucking
capacity is diminished.

That's just basic vacuum science.

Let me take a look.

You know about this stuff?

Yeah, I read a lot of manuals.

Vacuum cleaners, phone chargers, DVRs.
Kind of a hobby.

You're an odd little guy, aren't you?
I've been told so.

All right, just press that button. It
should pop right open.

Yeah.

You have the M5 bagless with the

expulsion cartridge.

I didn't expect that to happen.

Did you expect that?

Oh, baby.

Hi, honey, that's me.

What do you mean, what is it now?

I'm really hurt by that.

I was calling just to say that I love
you, baby.

I wanted to know, how's your mom doing?

Yeah, yeah, great. Listen, when I got
you on the phone, it occurs to me that I

just can't find the waffle iron.

Fine, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

How could she say, where's the waffle
iron, is a stupid question.

down.

I hate you, Gracie.

You're just jealous.

You know what? This has been going on
for the last three days.

These two are so crabby, it's like
having one adult woman here.

Jim, come on. I grew up with two
sisters.

One probably slept with the other one's
boyfriend.

Come on, come on, come on. Knock it off.
Come up here.

What is going on with the two of you?

Nothing. Nothing. And she started it. I
didn't know.

Okay,

Jim. Unless those after -school specials
lied to me when I was a kid, I know

exactly what this is about.

What?

Drugs or bulimia.

I don't know, Andy. It sounds pretty
serious. I gotta fix this thing.

Yeah. Good idea. Call Cheryl.

No, I'm not gonna call Cheryl.

Come on. I can fix two girls fighting.

I mean, I found the waffle iron, didn't
I?

Good point. But they're not talking to
you. How are you going to figure out

they're fighting about?

Well, you know what?

Santa gave them diaries for a reason.

I like Santa. Yeah, you do.

All right, Andy.

If we were girls, where would we hide
our diaries?

Jim, if you want to get inside the mind
of a young girl, you have to become one.

So let's role play.

I'll be Marcy. No, no, no, no.

Marciella. All right.

The sweet but shy seventh grader who
likes to set things on fire.

And you, you, you're Eleanor, the girl
everyone hates.

Look!

Just look for it.

Voila!

Right here.

All right, what do you want? Tall and
sullen or short and sassy? Give me Ruby.

I don't want to know how Gracie's mind
works.

Hey -o, I got a shout -out.

This afternoon, Uncle Andy came over.
That's me. I know who it is.

He ate a whole bag of jelly beans, then
passed out on our couch.

He smells like a strip club and sadness.

Maybe reading these isn't such a good
idea, Jamie. Jamie, don't throw out this

diary. How am I going to find out what
my kids are up to?

You could talk to her. Yeah, but she
goes... Oh,

my God.

What is it?

It's a... wrapper... of a maxi pad.

My little Ruby is becoming a woman.

Jim. Jim, calm down. This is a wrapper
for an ice cream sandwich.

Thank God.

This is a maxi pad wrapper.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl,
I need to talk to you. I need to talk to

you about some stuff.

Some very uncomfortable, embarrassing
stuff.

Jim, the plunger's under the sink.

No, Cheryl, it's not that.

Oh, that's good to know.

Look, honey, you told me if I came down
here to take care of my mom, you could

handle the house.

I can't deal with every little problem
that comes up.

Cheryl, this is not a little problem.
This is big. This is huge. This is

honking.

You're a grown man. Handle it.

Look, I've really got to go get my mom
to the doctor.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I love
you.

Cheryl, don't hang up on me!

So did she tell you how to put the
kibosh on Ruby's period?

We are on our own, my friend.

How we handle this, Jim, will affect
Ruby for the rest of her life.

Yeah.

But luckily for her, she's got two
knowledgeable men of the world here to

her.

She's going to need more than one of
these, right?

There it is.

Aisle nine.

No man's land.

Oh, no.

Aisle nine.

No. All

right.

Well, Cheryl's not here, so I just have
to...

Man up and be a woman.

After you, my friend. No, oh, hell no.
I'm not going in there.

No, there's no telling what darkness
lurks at the heart of Isle 9. Come on,

up. No. Come on, get in touch with your
feminine side. Come on. Get in there.

Get in there.

a box that goes from Spanish to English.

So what do we do? Which one do we pick?

Well, you know what?

You can't be too safe.

We may have gone a little overboard.

Now, I just want Ruby to know that I
care about her, you know?

And if these things are anything like
shoes, she's going to want a variety.

Oh, look at this. It says here that in
many cultures you throw a young lady a

party to welcome her into womanhood.

Oh, kind of like fraternity initiation,
huh?

Oh, hey, this company sells a ceremonial
kit with everything you need to, and I

quote, ease the transition from girl to
woman.

Amy, that sounds perfect.

Hey, see if they got one there for boys.
I need one for Kyle.

What is my winky tingle?

If someone talked to Marcella like that,

she'd burn him down.

I'm going to take care of this. I wish
you were never bored.

Yeah, well, guess what? I was.

All right, all right. I'll just hold up
here.

I think I know what's going on.
Whatever. You don't know anything.

Gracie, you've got to cut your sister a
little break.

Why?

You know, well, it's like this.

There's a reason that your sister has
been impossible to deal with lately.

I mean, she's just a little bit older
than you, and she's starting her...

For a period.

All right.

If you want to be technical and icky
about it, yeah.

Now, your mom's on vacation, and so your
Uncle Andy and I thought it would be

nice if we threw her a little party. You
know, a nice little party.

You know, it's kind of a fraternity of
girls becoming women

party.

Ruby didn't get her period.

I did.

Oh.

How was I prepared for this?

Okay, I'm going to tell Ruby why you've
been so impossible to deal with, lady,

all right?

And meanwhile, you go in the kitchen,
and Uncle Andy is going to help you kick

some tires on some brand stuff.

Because, you know, you're starting your
thing.

your sister has been driving you crazy
you want to tear her head off i get it

believe me i've been going through with
your mother for years but you can't

blame it on her because she's you know
she started her

Come on, you know exactly what I'm
talking about.

Actually, I don't. I haven't gotten mine
yet.

Oh.

Huh.

Well, I wasn't prepared for that.

Hey, Ruby, you don't have to worry about
not getting your thing yet.

I mean, it doesn't make you any less of
a woman.

It actually makes you more of a little
girl.

Come on, honey, you want to talk about
it?

With you?

God, no.

Are you sure?

Because maybe we can figure something
out to kind of help it along, you know.

Like you do with pregnant women.

Have you tried eating steak?

Jumping rope?

Hanging out with older girls?

Yeah, you can drink from their cup and
maybe the hormones will rub off on you.

to stop talking about this right now.

Well, my car's pretty dirty.

Are you sure you're not starting it?

So, uh, you got this stuff here. Um,
and, um, I think this

thing, uh, okay, goes like that.

Okay, this must go over the shoulder.

Maybe a snap at the bottom, like a
bodice.

Jake, stop.

Can you just please leave me alone?

They showed us how to use this stuff at
school.

Can you teach it to me, then?

Hey, so, uh, how's it going?

Dad? Yes?

I've been thinking.

I want to party.

What? Well, you're going to give Ruby
one.

Honey, I don't think that's such a good
idea. I mean, Ruby's going to get really

upset. Do you want to see upset?

Do you want to see upset?

Oh, no, Jim. She's hulking out.

I will show you upset.

Give her some chocolate. Give her some
chocolate.

first moon party.

Welcome, sisters, welcome.

Thank you, Ed.

Well, typically, the only guests that
are invited to a celebration like this

women who've already had their thing.

But this was such short notice that I
had to improvise.

So, Lynn here is Gracie's gym teacher.

A guy.

Which I didn't know when I evited you.

Welcome, Lynn. Yes, welcome, sister,
welcome.

Yes.

I'd like to welcome some of Gracie's
friends who've already gone through the

change.

It's not a big list.

Just Miriam here.

Turns out that...

Maybe she just was injured during
gymnastics.

Dad, what are you doing?

When he said party, I thought there was
going to be a present and a cake.

Now, this is just weird. No, this is not
weird, honey. This is the celebration

of you becoming a woman.

Andy, release the thousand white
butterflies.

One, two, three.

Oh, how cute. They must be asleep.

Come on. Come on.

I knew I shouldn't have left him in my
car. Stoop.

I'm out of here.

There are lots of words of wisdom in the
Iliad.

But nothing in there.

About getting your period.

There's more.

Is your stupid party over yet?

Yeah, it was awesome.

Liar, I watched it through the window.

Uncle Andy threw dead bugs all over the
place.

cannot handle this you know what i gotta
tell you something i thought i can

handle this without your mother but i
was wrong

what are you doing what am i

doing i'm packing your stuff i can't get
you two to stop fighting so i'm

shipping you to florida

Not to see your mom, but to get drunk,
stinking drunk, because I hear the clubs

in Miami are really fun.

Is he okay?

You know what?

You know what? I told your mother not to
feed you.

Because if she didn't feed you, then
you'd stay a little girl.

No more fighting.

No more fighting.

What is the big deal here? Who cares who
gets their period first?

I do. Ruby gets to do everything first.
Oh, so it's my fault I'm older?

I'm not saying it's your fault. It just
stinks always being second.

You know how you feel now?

You feel like that all the time.

Really?

You've never told me that before.

What's going on here?

I just heard a lot of yelling.

And now there's a lot of quiet.

We're making up.

You are?

Who won?

Nobody won.

Well, how do you know it's over unless
somebody wins?

He just doesn't get it.

I know.

Sorry I was being such a jerk.

I'm sorry, too.

By the way, after seeing the kind of
party that Daddy threw for you, I'm kind

glad you got to go first.

I hope I don't get my period until Mommy
comes back.

You and me both.

Are you sure you're just taking a nap?

Yeah, yeah, and you better hurry up
before they wake up, because they're

to be mad.

Oh, boy, come on.

Hello.

Hey, honey.

Well, hello, stranger.

Oh, I'm sorry I haven't had time to
talk. Mom has really been keeping me

But I think after that box of wine,
she'll be down for a couple hours.

Well, that's good because I have so much
to talk to you about.

Ruby and Gracie got in a big fight
because Gracie got her period before

What?

Why didn't you tell me? Did you know
what to do?

It was no biggie, really.

It's fine.

I can't believe I missed such an
important moment in our little girl's

Cheryl, don't worry about it. I handled
it.

Don't get upset.

Don't get upset?

Do you want to see upset?

Do you want to see upset?

It's the 15th, isn't it?

Uh, Cheryl, uh, why don't you have some
chocolate and call me in five days?

Gracie, your mother's on the phone!