All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s07e04_the_perfect_fight

Oh, Cheryl.

I love skipping dinner and going right
to dessert.

Sarah's pastries and chocolate from Oak
Street.

She's not just a baker.

She's a friend.

Come on, honey. Give me my surprise.

Say you love me. I love you.

Say it like you mean it. I love you. Say
it sexy.

Say it like Scooby. Say it sexy, Scooby.
Give me my dessert.

All right, all right, all right. Ooh,
spicy girl.

Well. For my young bride, I got you your
favorite.

Carrot cake.

Honey, that is so sweet. I love that you
got me exactly what I would have picked

for myself.

I got sherry pie.

You know what? Not the prettiest gal at
the dance, but she knows how to please

her man.

Oh.

Oh. I know that oh.

Summer off?

I don't like cherry pie.

I know.

That's why I got you carrot cake.

Bob. Yeah, but I thought the whole point
of dessert on a romantic night was

sharing.

You know what? I know you so well, I
thought you'd think that.

So, you got cherry pie even though you
know I don't like it?

Yeah, that way I can have the whole
piece.

But I'm willing to share my carrot cake
with you.

Well, thank you. Don't mind if I do.

Cheryl, look.

Frosting parrot.

My favorite vegetable.

Look, I'm Bugs Bunny.

I just... I can't believe you'd be that
selfish.

Cheryl, I'm not being selfish.

We are sharing dessert.

Here. Have as much of my cherry pie as
you'd like.

You know what?

I think I would like a bite of pie.

Fine.

Help yourself.

Cheryl,

why would you waste pie?

Oh, I didn't waste it.

That was the most satisfying bite of
cherry pie I've ever had.

Well,

you know what?

Since we're sharing, I think I'd like to
have another piece of carrot cake.

I think I'd like another bite of pie.

about myself. Because I gave you three
children, I'm thinking about myself.

I want myself morning, noon, and night.

The jerk!

The cake!

Creep! Woman!

All right!

That's it!

Date night is over!

Oh! Great!

Boo -hoo! Date night is over! You win!

Unless, of course, we had sex before
dinner.

You came up with a great plan, Daddy.
Yeah. We made him pay.

Great. You know what? He deserves it.

Really?

How come?

How come?

We had a Chinese meal the other night,
right? And he took both of the fortune

cookies.

What kind of guy does that?

I would prefer not to be in the same
room as these animals.

Come on, Andy.

What's going on? What's with the
sunglasses?

Well, you know, Andy, it's not bad.

You know, glasses make you look more
intelligent.

Oh, yeah?

How does this make me look?

First of all, what were you doing
without your shirt on?

I don't know, Jim. The whole night's a
blur. I think they drugged me.

Come on, let me get you some coffee. I
woke up in the yard, and it wasn't my

yard.

Wow, they really got you good, too. They
dyed your hair, huh?

Oh, no, that's something I did. Do you
like it?

Come on, get some coffee.

Whoa, what the hell went on here?

Is that pie?

Cheryl and I had a fight.

Pie was thrown.

That's terrible.

Least I can do is help you clean off.

Oh, thanks, man. The mop is right by the
washing machine.

No need.

Woo, gold mine.

Hey, Andy.

What are you doing?

You guys really had it out, huh?

I wish we had it out.

We threw pie and then we went to bed.

And she's had all night to stew about
it?

Somebody's going to be talking today.

It's going to be worse.

We're going to have discussions.

We're going to explore our feelings.

And we may even have a conversation.

I hate those.

Oh, that's why I'm not married.

That plus no girl measures up to mom.

You know what's even worse?

Oh, that this is Carrie?

No. I'm not even mad.

That's not going to stop her. She's
going to talk and talk and talk and

How many was that?

Four. And talk.

Jim?

Yes?

Sleep well?

Yeah.

Yeah, Kyle's race car bed is pretty
comfortable once you tilt the wheel.

How about you?

Yeah, not bad. I mean, you know, I had a
whole bed to myself.

Kind of missed the smell of your hair.

So I took your shampoo and put it all
over your pillow.

Did we really throw cake and pie at each
other?

Well, I'd like to say no, but...

The walls tell a different story.

You know, it is so weird.

I cannot remember what I was upset
about.

How silly.

So you're not mad?

No.

Well, I'm not mad either.

Why is that?

I don't know.

But I like it.

I like it a lot.

Maybe we're on to something.

You know what? Maybe.

Maybe we just... Jumped a notch on the
evolutionary scale.

Oh. We don't have to talk about our
problems. We just solve them.

By hucking pie.

I guess that's what happened.

So you're good.

Yeah.

Me.

Hey. Want to go upstairs?

Yes. But we're going to have to work
around the shampoo.

And mascara.

You know what? I think Harry's good.

Oh, you are the coolest.

Mom, tell Kyle to stop looking at me.

I'm not looking at you. Yes, you are.
All right, I'll go get Andy to take the

kids away. Yes, you are. And I'll meet
you upstairs in five minutes.

Mom!

Andy,

Andy, come on, get up, get up.

Oh, wow, I must have blacked out again.

What did those kids do to me?

Andy, about the kids, you've got to take
them back to your house. You've got to

get them out of here. What? No way.
They're monsters.

Is there a dart in my neck?

Andy.

Andy, Andy, look at me. Look at me.

You've got to take these kids out of
here.

Cheryl and I want to be alone. No, no,
no. I thought you and Cheryl were

fighting. I thought so, too, but we're
not. She's not mad anymore.

That was a quick conversation.

Better yet, there was no conversation.
We just made up.

So, so, come on.

Take the kids, because I want to make
love on your sister. Let's go.

Bye, kids.

Bye, kids.

All right, you pukes.

Let's get something straight right now.

I don't like you, and I know you don't
like me.

Agreed.

If I wake up from my nap again with
burnt toast in my pants, there'll be

pay.

Daddy said the toast would be funny.

You mean when we told Daddy we did it,
he thought it was funny because it had

already happened?

Without his involvement.

Yeah, what she said.

Oh.

Well, I'm glad to know that your dad
wasn't involved.

Now I don't have to spend the rest of my
days crafting a diabolical scheme to

get revenge on that fat -headed jerk.

I think he bought it.

Hey, Cheryl, you okay?

Yeah, why wouldn't I be? I just heard
that you and Jim had a gigantic blowout.

Oh. Was that before or after you made a
poopy?

I just want you to know, I'm on your
side.

Andy, there's no one to side with. Jim
and I aren't fighting.

Oh, really?

Yeah. How'd you fix it?

Communicate? Explore your emotions?

Maybe do some role -playing with those
representational dolls?

No, no.

Actually, it's kind of silly.

We threw dessert at each other. It was
really cathartic. I agree.

It is kind of pathetic.

I said cathartic.

I'm pretty sure you said pathetic.

Look, look, hey, I'm not here to cause
trouble.

I'm sure you guys figured out what the
fight was about, got to the root of the

problem, he made love on you, it's fine.

Look, Andy, Jim and I talked about not
talking about it, and we're good, so let

it go.

Let it go?

No problem. I'll let it go. Okay.

If only I knew what it was.

Oh, wait.

You don't know either.

Well, you have my number if you need to
talk.

Oh, I forgot.

You don't do that anymore.

Well, hello, the coolest chick in the
whole world.

Hey.

What's wrong?

I've been thinking.

Oh, no.

About our fight.

Shit, oh, come on. We threw pie at each
other. It is over, done, flat, gone.

No, no, honey, I really think we need to
talk about our fight so we can learn

from it.

This is where you're wrong.

Ron, a good marriage is based on
intimacy, and that means knowing what's

on between us.

Cheryl, you're missing the beauty of
this. We don't have to know. We've

the right to be ignorant. Let's savor
it.

Jim, you throwing pie at me is not a
substitute for communication.

You're right.

Except you threw a pie back at me.

Which makes it communication.

It's like the Chinese say, there's two
sides to everything.

There's the cheats and the chomp.

I cheats, you chomp.

Well, I'm still upset, and I want to
talk.

You can do that as long as you want, but
I'm not moving till words start coming

out.

Is crap a word?

Fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

I can do it.

You want to talk?

Let's talk.

Okay.

I got mad because it seemed like you
went out of your way to not share with

Cheryl, I do that all the time.

But it doesn't end up with us throwing
pies at each other.

That's true.

You know what? Maybe it started a few
days ago when you forgot to put gas in

car. But I didn't want the garage
reorganized. Now I can't find anything.

And if you eat with a spoon and put the
spoon back in the jar, then put the jar

in the fridge, then bacteria grows into
a monster and kills our family in the

night.

That's why we need a gun in the house.

And when we were little, Dana had a five
-speed, and I only got a three -speed.

What most people don't realize is the
Tet Offensive was actually a defeat for

the North Vietnamese.

So it looked like we were upset about
dessert, but I was really stressed about

Grace's problems with her teacher.

And you snapped because... The Bears
lost the Super Bowl.

Wow.

We weren't even mad at each other.

I feel so much better.

Well, I don't.

I was much better off yesterday after we
threw the pies.

And now we got to sit here and talk for
two hours. And to be honest with you,

I'm still kind of mad about it.

Spears lost the Super Bowl.

Jim Wade.

Do you want to talk about it?

And to think I made love on you.

Hey. What's going on here? What's with
all the pie?

Well, I know you're upset about earlier,
and I know you like to solve our

problems with action, so throw as much
pie at me as you want.

Seriously? Yep.

Let the healing begin.

Really?

Oh, shit.

I don't know whether to kiss you or to
bounce this key lime pie off your head.

You know, I was kind of hoping you'd see
it as a symbolic gesture.

I really don't.

Because I think you're right.

We're listening.

Okay.

After 15 years of marriage, I think it's
fair to admit that many of our fights

have been about silly...

stupid stuff that really isn't worth
rehashing. Exactly.

I mean, come on. I mean, who cares if I
drop the towel on the bathroom floor or

I don't put the top of the toothpaste
back on or I leave Kyle in Milwaukee?

You did what?

Sounding a lot like conversation.

Okay,

okay, okay.

Sometimes we will need to talk through
our feelings.

But, but...

Most of the time, maybe we do just need
to find a unique way to solve our

problem, like throwing pie or that time
we had crazy makeup sex

at the car wash.

I remember that.

That was hot.

And I had a coupon, so it was like
scoring twice.

make up after a fight because we
remember how much we love each other.

And that's what these pies are supposed
to remind you of, whether you throw them

or not.

I do love you.

And your minivan does need a wash.

Or, you know, here's one.

You are the coolest chick ever.

Oh, is this a bad time?

Having a conversation.

You know what? I'll just help myself to
some pot roast. You two dig in and

explore.

No, it's okay, Andy. We're done talking.
And you know what? You were wrong.

We did not need to talk or get to the
root of our fight.

What's this?

Uh, Cheryl, you're making it sound as
though we had a prior conversation,

I know we didn't.

So I'm just gonna go and make me and my
pal Jim a tasty snack.

Hey!

Andy?

feeling we might dance today?

We're going to dance.

Oh, we're going to dance.

You want a piece of me?

No.

I want a piece of pie.