Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,430 --> 00:00:03,550
Two years ago on According to Jim. You
and Old Blue had some good times
2
00:00:03,550 --> 00:00:05,190
together. Hey, you want her?
3
00:00:05,430 --> 00:00:06,850
Okay, sure, thanks.
4
00:00:07,170 --> 00:00:08,170
200 bucks?
5
00:00:08,910 --> 00:00:09,910
Yeah, sure.
6
00:00:10,170 --> 00:00:12,950
I don't think you should sell the grill
to Andy. I think you should give it to
7
00:00:12,950 --> 00:00:16,610
him. You gave me that grill, and you can
get it back when you pry the barbecue
8
00:00:16,610 --> 00:00:18,570
tongs from my cold, dead hands.
9
00:00:19,030 --> 00:00:20,750
Not if I get to it first.
10
00:00:27,050 --> 00:00:28,070
I'm taking my grill back.
11
00:00:28,350 --> 00:00:31,250
Be my guest, neither I nor the Countess
will stop you.
12
00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:35,430
But the chain might.
13
00:00:37,690 --> 00:00:39,050
The grill is mine!
14
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,630
Mine! All mine!
15
00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:48,110
I think maybe you should have the grill
for... not anything.
16
00:00:50,010 --> 00:00:51,430
What? Free! For free!
17
00:00:52,110 --> 00:00:53,350
Hey, thanks, man.
18
00:01:07,350 --> 00:01:08,350
What are you looking for?
19
00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:15,010
I'm looking for... I was looking for
some doilies.
20
00:01:16,130 --> 00:01:19,330
Oh. I found them. They're right here.
Great.
21
00:01:20,190 --> 00:01:23,530
You know, if you're also looking for
matches, I threw them all out yesterday.
22
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:25,430
Sure. Why would you do that?
23
00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:28,550
Because the girls and I are going to
visit my mom, which leaves you here with
24
00:01:28,550 --> 00:01:29,810
Andy and Kyle all by yourself.
25
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,520
It's the same reason I hid the knife,
sent a warning letter to the neighbors,
26
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,240
and blocked the adult channels on the
TV.
27
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,540
I told you before, the L word stands for
love.
28
00:01:41,980 --> 00:01:46,220
Cheryl. Jim, every time I go away, you
and Andy act like a couple of idiots.
29
00:01:46,460 --> 00:01:47,840
Oh, that is not true.
30
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:48,899
Oh, really?
31
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,200
What about my trip to Cleveland?
32
00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:54,820
Look, if we were to have known that
animal was alive, we would have never
33
00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:55,820
him in the microwave.
34
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,460
You know, maybe I should just get you
guys a sitter. Sure.
35
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,560
You promised me once I turned 50 I
didn't need a sitter anymore.
36
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,180
Andy and I are responsible adults.
37
00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:12,080
Kyle is lucky to see such a special
relationship between two men.
38
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:16,540
You always make things dirty.
39
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,020
All right, fine.
40
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,380
Why don't you tell me why the
responsible adult was looking for
41
00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:32,220
I was going to light a candle, put it in
the window, until your safe return.
42
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,240
Daddy, are these enough bottle rockets?
43
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:43,600
Afternoon.
44
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,540
All right, Cheryl, Ken's here. Come on,
hurry up. Let's go. We have to go back.
45
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:51,000
Oh, oh, honey, come on, walk us out.
We're going. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let
46
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,000
him sit, Cheryl.
47
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:55,580
We're two independent gals, and Jim
works really hard. hard to put a roof
48
00:02:55,580 --> 00:03:01,400
your head what the hell i don't know
it's the first time she's actually
49
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:07,000
sense no honey i'm gonna be gone for a
while i want you to walk me out look
50
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:13,100
andy's having a garage sale and you know
how jim is about those things what do i
51
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:19,660
care that he's having a garage sale
andy's selling the g -r -i -l
52
00:03:25,450 --> 00:03:26,510
He's selling a girl?
53
00:03:29,890 --> 00:03:31,790
Grill? He's selling my grill?
54
00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:38,110
Wow, I really didn't think he'd get
that.
55
00:03:40,630 --> 00:03:44,130
Andy, Andy, what are you doing? You
can't sell my grill.
56
00:03:44,470 --> 00:03:46,170
I'm not. I'm selling my grill.
57
00:03:46,390 --> 00:03:49,190
No, no, I gave you that grill. Yeah,
which makes it mine.
58
00:03:49,550 --> 00:03:52,470
If I would have sold it to you, it would
make it yours.
59
00:03:53,070 --> 00:03:56,790
Please don't start this grill nonsense
again. I gave you that grill. If you're
60
00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:59,730
not going to use it anymore, then
legally it reverts back to me.
61
00:04:00,330 --> 00:04:01,330
That's crazy.
62
00:04:01,590 --> 00:04:05,210
It's not crazy. This is the way
society's been working for centuries.
63
00:04:05,450 --> 00:04:06,550
Check your Magna Carta.
64
00:04:06,910 --> 00:04:10,510
I don't have a Magna Carta. Oh, did
somebody give it to you and you sold
65
00:04:10,510 --> 00:04:13,130
too? I'm taking my grill. No, you're
not.
66
00:04:13,950 --> 00:04:14,950
Watch me.
67
00:04:25,710 --> 00:04:28,530
turn this into a war. Well, talk to your
brother here. He's the one being
68
00:04:28,530 --> 00:04:32,610
unreasonable. I'll throw in a free
Klingon burial shroud if you buy it.
69
00:04:32,970 --> 00:04:34,510
Impress the ladies. It's mine!
70
00:04:34,990 --> 00:04:37,850
All right, you know what? That's it. I'm
canceling my trip. Boy, what are you
71
00:04:37,850 --> 00:04:38,850
doing that for?
72
00:04:38,890 --> 00:04:42,450
Because it's obvious you two monkeys are
going to declare war on each other.
73
00:04:42,670 --> 00:04:43,770
How dare you?
74
00:04:44,590 --> 00:04:46,650
Carol, we are having a gentleman's
disagreement.
75
00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:47,970
Indeed.
76
00:04:49,090 --> 00:04:51,190
You don't have to cancel your trip.
77
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,800
I told you I was going to be a
responsible adult, and that is exactly
78
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:56,800
going to do.
79
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,080
Promise?
80
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:04,720
I promise that while you are away, I
will be a model citizen.
81
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,080
Stolen goods?
82
00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:10,520
Why would I be selling stolen goods?
83
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,880
We received a tip from one of your
neighbors.
84
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,300
Who? He would only refer to himself as a
model citizen.
85
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:18,980
Excuse me, Officer.
86
00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:20,340
Is there any trouble here?
87
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,540
Impossible distribution of stolen goods.
88
00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:24,020
Stolen goods?
89
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:25,720
He gets.
90
00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:27,480
What have you done?
91
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,440
Officer, I think that may be my grill.
No, it is not.
92
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,060
Yep. Yeah, this is my grill, officer.
93
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,340
Do you have any proof?
94
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:38,420
Proof? No.
95
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:45,940
Well, except for this nine -year -old
receipt that clearly states that I
96
00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:48,360
this myself at the local barbecue
emporium.
97
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,840
Officer. Officer, he gave me this girl
two years ago.
98
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:53,500
Did you?
99
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,080
I'd sooner part with my own son.
100
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:58,560
Hands behind your back, sir.
101
00:05:59,380 --> 00:06:00,660
You're kidding me.
102
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:10,520
This is not over!
103
00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:15,000
Do you hear me? I swear to God, I'm...
I'm sorry, sir!
104
00:06:15,420 --> 00:06:17,360
I can't quite hear you!
105
00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:50,480
Takeout is hard work.
106
00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:54,700
There you go, my son.
107
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:56,520
You know what?
108
00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:57,740
You're a lucky boy.
109
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:02,880
You get to spend the weekend with your
pops, you learn about feuds, and you get
110
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,460
to see a fat man tasered.
111
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,000
Wait.
112
00:07:13,540 --> 00:07:14,680
This could be a trick.
113
00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:18,040
I'm going to go and check out the noise.
You guard the grill.
114
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,160
Here, stand here.
115
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,160
Hi. If Uncle Annie comes out, you zap
him.
116
00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:25,940
Should I turn it up to 10?
117
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,340
That's my boy.
118
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:38,520
Cop,
119
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,400
give me the taser.
120
00:07:53,130 --> 00:07:54,130
Give me that.
121
00:07:54,530 --> 00:07:55,530
Give me that.
122
00:07:57,470 --> 00:07:58,790
What? The grill.
123
00:08:00,710 --> 00:08:01,710
Freeze.
124
00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:05,730
Or what? Or I'll taser you.
125
00:08:07,930 --> 00:08:09,030
When it recharges.
126
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,670
Takes about five minutes.
127
00:08:12,590 --> 00:08:17,790
Oh, I'll be long gone by then. You see,
Jim, I was able to do some thinking when
128
00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:20,890
I was sitting in the county lockup.
Yeah, but you were doing a little crying
129
00:08:20,890 --> 00:08:21,890
too, huh?
130
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:27,110
Soon, James, the tears will be on the
other cheek.
131
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:32,770
See, I remember when we were redoing
your kitchen that I gave you this small
132
00:08:32,770 --> 00:08:34,210
crucial length of pipe.
133
00:08:34,870 --> 00:08:38,850
You were in jail thinking about pipe,
were you? Only that I wanted it.
134
00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:41,789
And now I'm going to take it.
135
00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:43,669
Take my pipe!
136
00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:04,980
wrong pipe there.
137
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,080
mine too. You know how I know?
138
00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:41,460
A receipt.
139
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,320
You know what else is mine?
140
00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:46,460
Vengeance.
141
00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:50,000
Andy, Andy, you win.
142
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:51,840
Okay.
143
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:15,920
Let me ask her.
144
00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:18,020
Hey, Cheryl.
145
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,120
TV show and ask a girl out.
146
00:13:47,340 --> 00:13:50,340
First that can happen, she says no.
147
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,500
The thing I'm happiest about?
148
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,660
I never did one of those albums where I
just talked.
149
00:14:47,739 --> 00:14:48,739
This pizza?
150
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:01,260
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
151
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,640
We got the letter.
152
00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,040
Look at this.
153
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,260
My nephew's truck.
154
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,360
All right, move on, huh? There's nothing
to see.
155
00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:15,100
You know, I don't miss the knives.
156
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:19,200
Or toilet paper.
157
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,120
Mommy didn't hide the toilet paper on
you.
158
00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:26,140
My bad.
159
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,140
Battle stations.
160
00:17:01,070 --> 00:17:02,070
I surrender.
161
00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:04,210
Yeah, right.
162
00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:08,069
No, no, no, no. I'm serious. You bested
me. The girl is yours.
163
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,430
What's your game?
164
00:17:14,630 --> 00:17:15,630
No game.
165
00:17:15,930 --> 00:17:18,270
I just finally got what you were saying.
166
00:17:18,630 --> 00:17:21,930
Just because a man gives something away
doesn't mean he renounces ownership.
167
00:17:24,230 --> 00:17:25,230
Thank you.
168
00:17:27,829 --> 00:17:29,130
Be it a roof or...
169
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:30,900
His time?
170
00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:32,220
Exactly.
171
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:34,500
Time? Yeah.
172
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:39,040
How many hours have I spent babysitting
your kids for free?
173
00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:43,240
I decided to crunch the numbers.
174
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:47,600
9 ,000 hours?
175
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:52,400
Yeah, I gave them a year of my time, and
now I want a year of it back from them.
176
00:17:52,660 --> 00:17:56,040
And since Gracie and Ruby aren't here,
I'll take that one.
177
00:18:00,970 --> 00:18:05,210
I don't know yet. Cooking, cleaning, may
shoot stuff at his feet, make him
178
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,210
dance.
179
00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:11,710
You are crazy. There is no way on earth
that I'm going to give you my one and
180
00:18:11,710 --> 00:18:16,270
only son. Okay, then just admit that
your argument is full of crap and give
181
00:18:16,270 --> 00:18:17,069
that grill.
182
00:18:17,070 --> 00:18:18,070
Take the boy.
183
00:18:19,030 --> 00:18:23,590
What? But if you decide to sell him
after a year, he reverts to me.
184
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:39,840
I thought you were coming home tomorrow
night.
185
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:44,820
Yeah, I called Kyle to see how things
were going. He lied for about 30 seconds
186
00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:45,980
and he cracked like an egg.
187
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,280
30 seconds? You are not my son.
188
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,920
I know. You just sold me to Uncle Andy.
189
00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:58,280
What? You sold our son?
190
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,160
Come on, it's not as bad as it sounds.
191
00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:04,140
Really, I mean, Andy tried to sell my
grill.
192
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:05,520
And then he got me arrested.
193
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,400
And then he pulled a pipe out of my
kitchen. He took my roof. And now he
194
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,400
Kyle.
195
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,660
Kyle? It's very simple.
196
00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:15,260
Look at you two.
197
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:19,960
You are literally tearing this family
apart over a worthless piece of junk.
198
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,320
How dare you?
199
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:24,560
Ouch!
200
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,560
Jim, you know, you said Kyle was lucky
to see there's a special relationship
201
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,560
between two men.
202
00:19:34,510 --> 00:19:36,530
I don't think he's feeling very lucky
right now.
203
00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:38,090
If you'll excuse me.
204
00:19:39,150 --> 00:19:40,150
Kyle, come on.
205
00:19:47,370 --> 00:19:48,370
Kyle!
206
00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:50,830
Be careful with that.
207
00:19:55,090 --> 00:19:56,930
You said we had a special relationship?
208
00:19:57,150 --> 00:19:58,150
No, I didn't say that.
209
00:19:59,410 --> 00:20:03,330
Cheryl put a block on the adult
channels, made me goofy, and I said
210
00:20:03,330 --> 00:20:04,199
didn't mean.
211
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,940
Oh, come on, Jim. The lesson I learned
from Mel Gibson is that sometimes we say
212
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,020
things because deep down it's what we
really feel.
213
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:19,660
You love me.
214
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,260
I do not.
215
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,500
Oh, yes, you do.
216
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,060
Say it, Jim.
217
00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:29,940
Say the L word.
218
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,240
Lesbian.
219
00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:39,410
Good enough. I lesbian you too.
220
00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:43,210
All right, safety check.
221
00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:44,910
Goggles? Check.
222
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,190
Earplugs? Check.
223
00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:48,750
What are we forgetting?
224
00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:49,950
Dad!
225
00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:53,170
Crap.
226
00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:56,470
We weren't going to leave you here.
227
00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:58,430
There you go.
228
00:21:00,690 --> 00:21:02,830
Oh, I'm going to miss you, old blue.
229
00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:11,150
You know, we keep you all blue, but you
make Annie and I want to kill each
230
00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:13,070
other, and that means prison time.
231
00:21:14,250 --> 00:21:15,490
We're too pretty for prison.
232
00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:17,210
So we're going to blow you up.
233
00:21:18,070 --> 00:21:19,070
All right.
234
00:21:19,390 --> 00:21:20,249
Here we go.
235
00:21:20,250 --> 00:21:24,410
Okay, so who gets to do it? Oh, I
probably could do it. It's my grill.
236
00:21:24,410 --> 00:21:27,110
you talking about? It's my grill. It's
my grill.
17646
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof