All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s04ex1_the_scrapbook

carnations, no baby's breath.

This is my sister's wedding, not a
hoedown. Now go.

Hey, hey, hey, you're a guest in this
country.

Champagne, red, white.

Champagne, red, white. Perfect. Go, bar,
mix. Go, go, go, go. Where's the cake?

Where's the cake?

Cake! Where's the freaking cake?

Oh, my God.

What's this?

Dana's wedding cake. Bye.

ordered. Okay, Cheryl, here's the thing.
Jim and I were on our way to the bakery

when we saw a giant inflatable gorilla
on the roof of TV World.

How many of you can go in?

Cheryl, a giant gorilla with arms that
went like this.

The cake.

It's right here. Andy?

All right. All the other bakeries were
closed except for this all -night joint

in Boys Town. Turns out John and Ron
weren't really forever.

I can fix this.

very good man for the rest of the
wedding i need you to pretend he's a

and if you see him run hey kids

oh honey you look so

beautiful just like my own wedding
except i'm marrying somebody good trust

he's marrying you there's something
wrong with him

a ship in a bottle.

Jim, you ruined my wedding. I'm going to
kill you. Don't worry. I'm prepared for

every situation.

We'll kill him later.

There you go.

Perfect. Just like I promised.

Now breathe.

Somebody left an open bottle of black
ink.

Check it out.

Back off!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in
the sight of God and this company.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go to the ideas.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Trying to save us 400 bucks, but we've
got to be out of here by 2.

quarter -length tablecloth. I
specifically asked for full -length

That's it. My wedding's ruined.

You should cancel the videographer.
Really? No.

You don't want to spend the rest of your
life looking at that train wreck.

Mom, I am on it.

Corey, is it? Listen, this is my
sister's wedding day and it's going to

perfect. So there will be full -length
tablecloth if I have to pull...

Focus on the little details. That's
where you women go wrong.

Really, because at the end of the day,
all that matters is that the bride and

groom get married. Jim, women live for
weddings.

It's a World Series or Super Bowl.

Yeah, I mean, if men planned them,
they'd all be barbecues and the bride

roller skate down the aisle in Daisy
Dukes.

Talk to me.

What? No, no, no, no, no. That's too
late. That's it. The wedding's ruined.

All right, fine. You know what? I'll
pick it up myself.

you for her next wedding. You bet we're
not!

Little snafu, we have to pick up the
wedding cake on the way to the hotel.

no, we have to pick up the reverend from
the airport on the way to the hotel.

We're double booked!

The dream is dead! The dream is dead!

Well, maybe Jim can pick up the
reverend. No!

Why not?

Oh, honey, look at you. One gray sock,
one blue sock, and that's you trying.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I was in a hurry to go out.

you as something that's important.

Oh, right.

I'm only a man.

Therefore, I'm simple. There was only a
simple man who came up with the big

bridges and the skyscrapers of the
world. No, honey, you're right. All we

simpletons did was put a robot on the
surface of Mars and we defeated a little

scourge called communism.

If I'm not mistaken, I think it was a
man who picked up a pen and started

writing when God first spoke.

a woman says to me I can't be trusted to
pick someone up at the airport, I think

she's probably right.

Good. We're agreed.

Hey. Oh, Andy. Good. Let me see your
socks.

Matching. Excellent.

I need you to pick up Reverend Hill at
the airport.

Absolutely.

You're gonna let him go?

That's right.

He may be an idiot, but he knows that if
he screws this up, he's a dead man.

Straight to the airport, then straight
to the hotel.

You two don't scare me.

Andrew!

Holy sheepies.

Mom!

Great.

Yeah, okay, I'll go to the airport.

Jim, want to come? No!

He's going to stay here and complete his
little task, which is to find matching

socks. Kids, let's go!

Okay, well, we'll see you boys at the
wedding. All right, Mom.

Oh, Andy, Andy.

Remember, there's going to be lots of
single girls there. Now, don't waste

time going for the gold. Focus in on the
bronze.

Or anything that's fertile.

All right, I guess I'd better leave. I'm
going to get everything done and get to

the wedding before all the bottom
feeders have been picked over.

Hold on, hold on. I'll go with you. The
airport's right next to the job site,

and although I was bragging about how
great men are, I forgot my tux and shoes

in the trailer.

Yeah, I don't think so, Jim. You heard
Cheryl. For just today, the Andy man

would like to live his vida without the
loca.

Of course he is sweating all the details
just like a woman.

Not going to work, Jim. You are a woman.
You wear women's underwear.

My tough pants are snug. I don't want a
panty line.

Fine. Get in the car. Not a word on the
way.

Nothing left to say.

This will be the finest bank in town.

Notice, Reverend, the intricate
stonework here in the archway. We found

descendants of the Maya to do the
masonry.

Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. They were master
stonemasons until they were all but

wiped out by, you know, guys like you.

All right, I got the tux, we got the
shoes, we got the rev.

Let's go.

Before we go, I've got to use the
bathroom. Oh, father, I wouldn't use

You know, it gets a little ripe on a
warm day.

We have a wedding to go to. He can use
my juice bottle in the car.

It'll take just a second.

Why don't you use the nice bathroom in
the building?

Wait, wait, wait, please.

You're my responsibility.

Please, wear a hard hat.

I'll be fine. I brought my own
protection.

All right. Hey, Willie, how you doing?

Terrible.

My country, I want that duck out.

Father, you all right?

Yes. Yes, I'm fine. You said something
about a hard hat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

one here in the back of Andy's car.

Oh, sorry about that.

That was cool. Sure would have had my
boys in a blunder, huh?

That was the sound of a holy man's head
hitting metal, wasn't it?

We're going to need a doctor. Willie!

We should take him to the hospital for
observation.

I concur.

You know, you might want to load up the
old meat wagon with a little extra B

positive. There's a good chance you'll
be pulling a cake knife out of my neck

later today.

Well, I'm off after this run, so it'll
probably be Randall.

That's great.

That's just great. Just settle down.

Settle down.

Yes, Jim. We have a bride.

We have a groom. We have their entire
family.

And no minister.

Tell me, Jim, is this one of the little
details I shouldn't be sweating? Because

I'm sweating, baby!

How many times have I told you not to
call me baby in front of the men?

I kind of overheard your conversation
because you were yelling.

Yes, Kenny.

You need a reverend, baby?

Cheeky. See what you just did? He called
me baby!

how to get a reverend? No.

But my uncle's a reverend, so he might
know.

Oh, I know. I'll just get my uncle.

Yes.

That would be good, Kenny. That would be
good. Can you get him to the Drake

Hotel in like 45 minutes?

Yeah, sure.

If I'm early, should I just drive around
until it's 45 minutes?

Sure. Sure enough. The 45 minutes that
it takes you to get your uncle to the

hotel? You can make up for it on Sunday.

Great, thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome.

He's not here. He's not here.

He's not going to show.

That Kenny.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to take his health insurance away from

him.

He doesn't have health insurance.

Well, I'm going to give him health
insurance and I'm going to take it.

Whether it be Jim or Andy. Oh, you must
be Kenny's uncle. Oh, thank God.

I am the Reverend Stevens.

Oh, Kenny speaks so highly of you. One
day he told me... Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. He's like a son to us. Let's go.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come
on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come
on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come
on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come

I'm the tears.

Now I'm going to have to redo my makeup.

You wear women's panties and makeup?

It's going to be a lot of pictures. I
don't want to look splotchy.

Oh, it's my fault.

When I let him dance around in my
clothes, he just looked so cute.

Is that the altar? That's not Reverend
Hill.

Oh, easy, easy. I forgot to tell you
something very important. Reverend

wife called earlier and said he was very
sick and he's not going to make it.

He's sick? Yes, he's got a very, very
high fever. So if he calls in the next

couple days, probably what he's going to
say won't make any sense.

Well, then, who he's got?

That's Reverend Stevens.

Replacement found.

Problem solved.

You're welcome.

Wedding saved.

You guys, I don't know if this is such a
good idea. Maybe this is a bad omen.

No, no, no. Dana, honey.

Now, this wedding is listed in my condo
newsletter, and I want to score time in

the jacuzzi, so please get out there.

I'm just saying, maybe we should wait
until Reverend Hill is well enough to

marry us. No, Jim.

Well, what's the difference?

They're both selling the same thing.

But all that matters is at the end of
the day, you're married.

You know what, honey? Honey, he's right.

And he must really be right, because I
hardly ever say it.

Come on, you got a beautiful banquet
room.

You got a reverend. You got a open bar?
Oh, God, yes. Open bar!

It's a great day for a wedding. Come on,
baby.

Okay. Okay.

Let's do it.

Okay. Oh, honey.

Oh, thank you.

You know, problems arise. I fix them. I
mean, that's what men do. Oh, honey,

that's great.

Now zip up and let's go.

place before. You look familiar. Maybe
in my dreams.

Family portraits.

I'm your cousin.

First or second?

Second.

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, Evelyn, thank you so much for
squeezing us in on such short notice.

saved our body. Well, you know, you're
very lucky. A few months ago, you

couldn't have got me.

And I have more time since I broke with
the church.

But they took you back, right? Hell no,
I told them, kiss my ass.

Then I started my own religion.

Own religion, you say?

Oh, it was a glorious day.

I was meditating naked in the woods and
an angel appeared before me disguised as

a bear.

Okie doke. And the bear spoke to me.

Through a series of snorts and growls,
our souls connected.

Then he batted me about like a toy. When
I came to, he

revealed to me the true path.

Yeah.

Is the state of Illinois cool with this?

No, no, they laughed at me.

The bear said they would.

So if you married a couple, Legally,
they would not be married.

That's totally up to the bear. I'm only
a vessel.

So I guess this is it, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hello. Who are you?

I'm the groom. Who are you?

Who am I? Or who was I?

Wow, that's a deep thought.

You know what? I'm going to go write
that down.

When you say who am I... Do not.

Talk to the Reverend while I'm gone,
okay?

It's really bad luck. I did it.

My marriage only lasted a day.

Andy! Andy!

Aren't you going to walk me to my feet?
Front row, left, right side. Go, go!

Andy, what are you doing out here?

I need to talk to Jim just for a second.

knows the bears? Can he get tickets?

Not those bears.

Real ones, man.

He's out there wandering around in the
woods having visions, baby.

I mean, this cat is nuts.

What? And now he has no license. The
marriage won't be legal.

Andy, sweetie, I really need you to take
your place up on the altar.

Just a second, doll. Mom!

Got any bright ideas?

Yeah, one.

I don't want to start a fire with the
kids here.

Jim, pick it up a little, will you?

What's the hurry?

Come on, give us a chance to talk a
little.

Jim, this is not talking time. This is
marrying time.

Yeah, that's what I want to talk to you
about.

You know, I think Ryan is really right
for you.

Of course, I'm sure. I love him. He's my
world.

Come on, we're all chasing that carrot,
Dana.

I've been married to Cheryl for 14
years.

I've squeezed maybe 20 good minutes out
of her time.

What the hell's wrong with you? This is
my freaking wedding day.

I think you should wait until Reverend
Hill gets better. I think that would be

better for you.

Just don't want you to make sure that
you're sure. I am sure.

Come on, back it up. We're running out
of stock.

here today to join this man and this
woman in the bonds of holy matrimony.

Holy matrimony is an honorable and
cherished

Did you ever stand naked in a stream and
let the little fishes nibble at you?

Every man should know that kind of
clean.

And every fish should know that kind of
crazy.

Here's your cash, Reverend. Thank you
very much. Now scram, all right? Use the

back door. Oh, Reverend Stevens. Oh, I'm
so glad I caught you. It was such a

lovely ceremony.

We wanted to invite you to stay for the
reception.

No, no, he's got to run.

Reverend, I insist.

Well, I guess I could if there's a seat
next to a window.

Oh, you know, I don't think there are
any windows in the banquet room. Oh,

then thank you, but no. I need a
constant view of the outdoors in order

receive my visions.

Your visions?

I don't get it.

Why would you? You're not a bear.

little upset.

Were you ever going to tell them? Of
course I wasn't going to tell them. When

got back from their honeymoon, I thought
it would be a good little funny story

for their friends.

Yeah, yeah, kind of like, hey, remember
that time we thought we were married but

we weren't and I was so sad and it was
such a mess I thought about killing

myself?

What is funny about that story?

He didn't let me finish.

Then we got married again.

They want to conceive.

on their honeymoon.

Knowing Dana, they're probably in the
coat room right now.

Oh, God, my good coat's in there.

Jim, what have we done?

Ryan's a fertility doctor. He knows
shortcuts.

Okay.

They cannot leave here without being
married. What we need is a reverend,

and sane.

What do you want me to do, sir? You want
me to just pull one out of thin air?

No, but I may be able to pull one out.
Out of my ass.

My trusty PDA to the rescue.

I had a friend from my sci -fi film club
went online and became an ordained

starship chaplain.

It took him like five minutes.

Is that crazy? We need legal.

Oh, guys, it's perfectly legal. No, he
married a Klingon to a Romulan. Now, a

lot of people are against mixed
marriages, but I'd say that's what the

Federation's all about.

Okay, you want to go?

Okay,

Cheryl, Cheryl, come on. Calm down. Hey,
take a seat.

Come on, just find that website.

Thank you. She scares me.

Oh, no. I'm the computer again. That is
why you never meet any women.

Kind of in the middle of something here,
Mom.

I just met a girl who is a finalist for
Extreme Makeover.

Now, her name is Denise.

Now, come on. Just go talk to her.

You know, you want her to like you
before she gets pretty and all popped up

self -esteem. Come on.

Here, stay out of my favorites.

Well, I guess I'm going to become a
minister of the Church of Eternal Light.

Hey, look at this. For three extra
bucks, I can become an archbishop.

What am I going to tell Dana and Ryan?

The bad news is you're not married, but
the good news is Jim's an archbishop.

Well, you know what, Sheriff? What if we
can get them married without them

knowing? How are you going to do that?

Hold on.

I'm getting the germ of an idea.

Doesn't all this scheming exhaust you?

At the beginning, yes.

Now I'm just chasing the high.

Easy there, Denise.

Your very attractive overbite's digging
into my collarbone.

I can't believe it. I'm married. Can you
believe it?

No, actually, I can.

It's a better worker, I swear to God.

You better watch that tone show. I'm a
reverend now. I can send you to hell

that. Oh.

Hey,

uh, Andy, can I speak to you for a
minute? Sure. Hey, Denise, why don't you

waddle over and get us a punch?

That Extreme Makeover show really has
their work cut out for them.

Listen, come here. Why don't you talk to
my family?

Mommy! What, kids? Mommy, what?

boy to dance and he hit me.

Oh, that means he likes you.

Boys are weird.

Just wait.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and
welcome to Ryan and Nina's wedding.

We'd like to dedicate this next song to
the lovely bride and groom.

calling in sick.

Say I do.

I do.

Say

I

do. Sure.

Say I do.

Sure.

Say I do.

You pulled it off.

It's the end of the day, and they're
indeed married.

I'm a man of God now.

I can work miracles.

While I'm in the marrying mood, you take
adorable me to be your husband

again.

John.

I'm thinking.

read the fine print in that website?

I'm allowed to have two wives.

Can the other one clean?