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1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:03,219
Daddy, guess what?
2
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:05,380
What? I got married last night.
3
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,140
What?
4
00:00:08,060 --> 00:00:09,060
To Dylan Pike.
5
00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:10,140
She really did.
6
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:16,340
Gerald, how come I don't know about
this? Did you know about this? I did
7
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am flabbergasted. Simply flabbergasted.
8
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Ruby, you just had to go ahead and get
married before me, didn't you?
9
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You're good.
10
00:00:35,130 --> 00:00:36,650
That was lame.
11
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We need a lesson from the master.
12
00:00:41,090 --> 00:00:42,090
Yeah, yeah.
13
00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:45,470
I do love a well -executed April Fool's
joke.
14
00:00:45,830 --> 00:00:50,390
But after last year's masterpiece that I
pulled on Cheryl, I retired.
15
00:00:50,710 --> 00:00:53,730
Yeah, you didn't just retire. I believe
you were threatened with divorce.
16
00:00:55,070 --> 00:00:58,110
Cheryl, come on. It was funny. You
eventually got home.
17
00:00:58,510 --> 00:01:00,730
And look, you got to practice your
Spanish.
18
00:01:08,490 --> 00:01:10,490
Dana, thank you for the bath salts.
19
00:01:12,830 --> 00:01:14,310
Pleasure was all mine, Andy.
20
00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:17,690
And green everywhere.
21
00:01:49,390 --> 00:01:50,390
Open for Rush?
22
00:01:52,790 --> 00:01:56,610
All right. Maybe a few beers will make
us sound better. Ah, there you go. Or
23
00:01:56,610 --> 00:01:57,610
I'll care less.
24
00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:02,570
At least alcohol will help me forget
that I'm spending the best years of my
25
00:02:02,570 --> 00:02:03,570
with you guys.
26
00:02:04,730 --> 00:02:08,490
I don't know how you can put that junk
in your body, Belchman. That is
27
00:02:08,490 --> 00:02:11,650
disgusting. The fries, the chicken, or
the cheese?
28
00:02:13,130 --> 00:02:14,990
There's cheese in there, too?
29
00:02:15,290 --> 00:02:16,290
In the fries.
30
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,090
The future's here, man.
31
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,660
Why do you even bother eating? Why don't
you just take that drumstick and stab
32
00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:24,660
yourself in the heart?
33
00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:26,620
Guys.
34
00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:31,700
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Is that
my baseball card collection?
35
00:02:32,020 --> 00:02:33,460
Yeah, I'm cleaning out the bedroom
closet.
36
00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:36,060
No, Cheryl, Cheryl. What?
37
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:39,760
No, this doesn't belong in the garage.
The only thing that belongs in this
38
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,220
crappy garage are old magazine tools and
these clowns. Yeah.
39
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,520
No, not Ernie Banks.
40
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,240
Mr. Cub.
41
00:02:48,090 --> 00:02:51,370
That's what he's done for Chicago,
Cheryl. No, I'd rather put my kids in
42
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first. Holy crap.
43
00:02:53,510 --> 00:02:54,730
Is that his rookie card?
44
00:02:55,690 --> 00:02:56,690
Yes, indeed.
45
00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:00,450
Wow, Jim, I'd give my right nad for that
card.
46
00:03:01,950 --> 00:03:04,590
Yeah, you know, I don't know anything
about baseball, but I don't think that's
47
00:03:04,590 --> 00:03:05,590
good trade.
48
00:03:06,150 --> 00:03:11,450
Cheryl, this stays in the house. Fine,
but I still need to make some room in
49
00:03:11,450 --> 00:03:14,070
closet. All right, I'll tell you what
I'll compromise here.
50
00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:17,430
Why don't you make some room in the
refrigerator and bring us out some
51
00:03:18,890 --> 00:03:21,370
I'd give my left nad for some apple pie.
52
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,010
Now you're just giving them away.
53
00:03:25,310 --> 00:03:27,370
All right, let's let the beard do the
magic.
54
00:03:28,030 --> 00:03:29,130
One, two, three.
55
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,310
Emergency! Emergency!
56
00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:47,170
Sam, the spare toilet paper's under the
sink.
57
00:03:48,530 --> 00:03:52,830
No! No, my Ernie Banks card. It's gone.
It's been stolen. It's missing. I can't
58
00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:55,490
find it. It's gotta be somewhere. No one
would take it.
59
00:03:55,930 --> 00:03:57,450
What about these little people here?
60
00:03:59,310 --> 00:04:00,770
Come on. They'd take anything.
61
00:04:01,030 --> 00:04:02,790
They're like raccoons with clothes on.
62
00:04:04,430 --> 00:04:06,270
This is exactly why we need a vault.
63
00:04:07,690 --> 00:04:09,710
Don't you think we should get a savings
account first?
64
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:11,970
All right. All right, kids.
65
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,020
The first one that finds my Ernie gets a
quarter.
66
00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:17,180
Yay! That's my boy.
67
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,660
A lousy quarter?
68
00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:21,180
All right, a buck.
69
00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:22,820
Yay!
70
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,220
I don't get out of bed for under five.
71
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,380
All right, five bucks. Come on.
72
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:31,680
Yay!
73
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:33,120
Find it!
74
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:36,820
Wow, five bucks? When Cheryl lost her
wedding ring, you only offered two.
75
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,180
Yeah. Well, that's because Ernie Banks
has sentimental value.
76
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:48,700
Hey, Jim. I just got some bad news from
Tony.
77
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,080
What? What happened?
78
00:04:50,460 --> 00:04:53,460
It's Beltzman. He had a heart attack
this morning.
79
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:55,720
Was he all right?
80
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,220
He didn't make it.
81
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,000
Oh, my God.
82
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:02,800
Wow.
83
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,260
He was in the prime of his life.
84
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,660
Such a tall, good -looking guy.
85
00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:12,060
You're thinking of John.
86
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,000
Which one's Beltzman?
87
00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:16,840
Weird looking guy, pot belly.
88
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,420
Oh, the drummer?
89
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:23,700
No, that's Tony. The other guy with the
pot belly. Oh, that guy.
90
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:27,280
What a tragedy. I really liked him.
91
00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:28,540
Yeah.
92
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:30,900
Where was he?
93
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:35,080
Doing what he loved best. Eating fried
chicken and shooting rats down at the
94
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,080
dump.
95
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:38,880
So sad.
96
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:42,600
His poor wife. I'm going to go make a
casserole.
97
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:44,420
I thought we were having meatloaf
tonight.
98
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,000
For her!
99
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:58,100
Poor Beltzman. Poor, poor, poor...
Poor... Poor,
100
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,980
um... What was his first name?
101
00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:04,160
We always called him Beltzman.
102
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,560
Yeah, well, let me think.
103
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:08,560
Shut up, Beltzman.
104
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,520
I'm not gay, Beltzman.
105
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,400
Oh, gross. Was that you, Beltzman?
106
00:06:17,860 --> 00:06:18,920
No idea? Yeah.
107
00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:29,600
Well, honey, I am so sorry for your
loss. I made you a broccoli casserole.
108
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,920
Broccoli casserole like the woman hasn't
suffered enough.
109
00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:36,620
You know, this game is such a shock to
all of us.
110
00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:39,120
Not to me. The man bled gravy.
111
00:06:40,780 --> 00:06:42,360
I can see you're hurting.
112
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:46,430
But we're all here for you. Yeah. Oh,
thank you.
113
00:06:47,150 --> 00:06:48,150
Who are you?
114
00:06:49,190 --> 00:06:51,210
Oh, I'm Dana. I'm Cheryl's sister.
115
00:06:52,410 --> 00:06:53,410
Who's Cheryl?
116
00:06:54,570 --> 00:06:55,950
I'm Cheryl. I'm Jim's wife.
117
00:06:56,170 --> 00:06:57,310
Oh, Jim's wife.
118
00:06:57,530 --> 00:07:00,550
I hear you always put out a plate of
donuts for every rehearsal.
119
00:07:00,770 --> 00:07:01,449
I did.
120
00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:02,450
Thanks a lot.
121
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,430
I think I'll go put this in the kitchen
for you.
122
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:07,970
Barney.
123
00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:10,960
He was a great guy and a great guitar
player.
124
00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:14,140
And he always wiped his lips before he
drank from the hose.
125
00:07:15,460 --> 00:07:20,500
I want to show you something. I was
going through his stuff and I found this
126
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:23,400
picture of the band from the one paying
gig you guys had.
127
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:25,300
I think you should take it.
128
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:26,840
Really?
129
00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:29,960
Oh, I'm funny. Thank you.
130
00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:44,220
Honey, this is Ernie Bates' rookie card.
131
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:49,960
When did Beltman get this? A few days
ago. He was really excited. He said, now
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00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,180
can die a happy man.
133
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,120
And then he did.
134
00:07:54,260 --> 00:07:55,320
Hey, Bonnie.
135
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:58,140
Maybe this will make you feel better,
huh?
136
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,920
Wow. Look at all that cheese.
137
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,920
What, are you trying to kill me, too?
138
00:08:06,380 --> 00:08:07,820
This is my card.
139
00:08:08,140 --> 00:08:09,340
Beltman stole your card?
140
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:10,560
Yes.
141
00:08:10,830 --> 00:08:14,250
and you can be sure that's your card. It
is my card. Look at this. Flawless
142
00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:18,110
corners, perfectly centered, no color
bleeding. And look, you see that little
143
00:08:18,110 --> 00:08:20,570
nick right there? This is mine, Cheryl.
This is mine.
144
00:08:20,850 --> 00:08:23,050
That freaky little gnome stole my card.
145
00:08:24,430 --> 00:08:29,790
Hey, Pop, if you see that creep up
there, you give him the old Alabama soup
146
00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:30,790
bone.
147
00:08:31,410 --> 00:08:35,650
Where are you going? I'm going to tell
Bonnie what a crook her husband was and
148
00:08:35,650 --> 00:08:37,950
tell her that I'm going to take Ernie
back home where he belongs.
149
00:08:38,190 --> 00:08:39,049
Jim, no.
150
00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:40,150
You can't do that.
151
00:08:40,590 --> 00:08:42,929
How would you feel if you died and
somebody came and told me what a
152
00:08:42,929 --> 00:08:45,810
person you were? Bring a snack. That's
going to be a long line.
153
00:08:47,690 --> 00:08:51,250
I know you want your card back. You're
going to have to wait a respectable
154
00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:53,370
amount of time before you approach
Barney.
155
00:08:53,830 --> 00:08:56,230
At least a few months. A few months?
156
00:08:56,510 --> 00:08:58,410
Who makes up these rules?
157
00:08:59,030 --> 00:09:00,029
Decent people.
158
00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:01,810
Decent people? Yes. Not a fan?
159
00:09:02,270 --> 00:09:06,550
Just relax. Your card's not going to go
anywhere.
160
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,080
We have a bigger problem here.
161
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:15,440
Where are we going to find a new guitar
player who hands out porn at Christmas?
162
00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:22,120
Man, when it rains, it pours.
163
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:33,600
Hey, guys. Hey.
164
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,260
Quite a loss. Yeah. Hey, don't forget to
rub it yet for good luck, huh?
165
00:09:39,910 --> 00:09:43,630
That is ridiculous, John. Suit yourself,
but I've done it the last three
166
00:09:43,630 --> 00:09:44,630
funerals.
167
00:09:44,870 --> 00:09:46,450
My life's going gangbusters.
168
00:09:52,670 --> 00:09:58,490
Oh, my God.
169
00:09:58,950 --> 00:09:59,950
Oh,
170
00:10:00,650 --> 00:10:01,650
my God.
171
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:03,770
He's got my gurney -based card.
172
00:10:05,410 --> 00:10:08,010
He's also got a bucket of chicken in a
Jugs magazine.
173
00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:12,150
out like a pharaoh.
174
00:10:13,490 --> 00:10:16,410
They're going to bury him with my dirty
bank card.
175
00:10:16,730 --> 00:10:17,730
Hey, Jim.
176
00:10:18,290 --> 00:10:19,290
People here.
177
00:10:19,770 --> 00:10:20,770
Like the suit?
178
00:10:21,610 --> 00:10:23,590
I'm going to cut the back out of it so
it'd fit him.
179
00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:26,410
Come on, I see you.
180
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,990
See, he's got the Ernie Banks card with
him.
181
00:10:30,410 --> 00:10:32,610
Oh, yeah. I thought he'd like to have
it.
182
00:10:33,810 --> 00:10:38,130
Don't you think it would be more
appreciated by a living, breathing Cubs
183
00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:39,830
Hey, wait a minute.
184
00:10:40,380 --> 00:10:42,420
You're a living, breathing Cubs fan.
185
00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:46,320
I bet you Beltzman would love for you to
have this.
186
00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:48,700
Don't be vulgar. It's still warm.
187
00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:51,480
He's probably right.
188
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:56,420
I thought about it, but I never really
cared for you.
189
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:04,560
If you all can take your seats, we're
about to begin the service.
190
00:11:10,830 --> 00:11:14,410
May I escort you to your seat, Widow
Beltzman? Well, thank you.
191
00:11:14,870 --> 00:11:16,430
And don't call me Widow Beltzman.
192
00:11:17,670 --> 00:11:19,590
Then can I just call you?
193
00:11:20,450 --> 00:11:24,350
And Bonnie's the cure.
194
00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:30,590
I appreciate that, but I've dated my
last fellow with a heart attack torso.
195
00:11:33,870 --> 00:11:34,970
We shall see.
196
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:43,560
We are here today to honor the memory of
Eugene Belsman.
197
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:45,220
Eugene.
198
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:50,300
Husband, musician, scoutmaster.
199
00:11:52,460 --> 00:11:55,340
I'm sitting here ten feet away from my
Ernie Banks card.
200
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:58,000
I can hear him calling, No,
201
00:12:01,580 --> 00:12:02,580
it's not!
202
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:07,580
Following the service, you're invited
back to the Belsman home for a cold cut
203
00:12:07,580 --> 00:12:14,560
plate. And tomorrow morning, his ashes
will be scattered
204
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:15,840
over Lake Michigan.
205
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,200
Ashes?
206
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:19,360
No!
207
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,220
No, no, no!
208
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,440
There is no time to waste!
209
00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:31,380
I need to speak out and pay tribute to
my dear friend, Balsman.
210
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,920
Father, no disrespect, but...
211
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,600
I think I knew Beltram a hell of a lot
better than you.
212
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,840
I baptized him and knew him for 45
years.
213
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,180
Fine, fine. Well, I'll be your opening
act.
214
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,820
Take a squat over there, will you,
Reverend?
215
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:54,880
Please.
216
00:12:56,620 --> 00:13:01,860
Well, for those of you who don't know
me, I'm a deeply spiritual man.
217
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:03,620
Liar!
218
00:13:05,770 --> 00:13:11,730
love to lead people in prayer so we all
bow your heads
219
00:13:11,730 --> 00:13:18,350
bow your heads please close your
220
00:13:18,350 --> 00:13:21,070
eyes good
221
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:43,580
Dearly beloved, by the power vested in
me, I'm going
222
00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:45,620
to send Beltzman up to the sky.
223
00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:51,880
I know it's really hard.
224
00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:54,000
Let go, Beltzman!
225
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,080
To let go of Beltzman.
226
00:14:36,270 --> 00:14:37,890
You can come up here and help me with
the prayer.
227
00:14:39,470 --> 00:14:40,670
Keep your eyes closed.
228
00:14:41,310 --> 00:14:42,310
Eyes closed.
229
00:14:45,370 --> 00:14:46,370
Not you.
230
00:14:49,290 --> 00:14:56,230
You know, now that Veltzman is gone, I
feel like he
231
00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:57,470
took a piece of me with him.
232
00:14:58,630 --> 00:15:00,330
A very, very valuable piece.
233
00:15:01,410 --> 00:15:03,730
I had to put a figure on it. It would be
about $1 ,500.
234
00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:10,720
Sing something sad and come over here
and give me a boost.
235
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:14,260
Swing.
236
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,400
Coming for to carry me home.
237
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:44,840
Thank you.
238
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,440
Thank you, Brother Andy, for that
wonderful song.
239
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:50,740
Amen.
240
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:57,540
I think it's important to remember
Belsman the way he was.
241
00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:05,280
I can't really go on right now.
242
00:16:05,940 --> 00:16:07,440
This is too much for me.
243
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:10,140
I think I'm going to go and...
244
00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:11,860
Pray alone now.
245
00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:15,060
God, why?
246
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:18,700
Why, God?
247
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,100
Keys.
248
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,580
Welcome home, Ernie.
249
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:39,060
Cheryl, you know what? Ernie's had a
couple of rough days. I think he's
250
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,640
Why don't you make him a little
sandwich?
251
00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:43,500
And make me one, too.
252
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,340
No! I don't make sandwiches for grave
robbers.
253
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,439
All right.
254
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:50,820
I'll have a bowl of ice cream, then.
255
00:16:52,140 --> 00:16:54,700
Jim, you stole from the dead.
256
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,180
The universe is not going to ignore
this. You are dealing with something
257
00:16:58,180 --> 00:16:58,899
big here.
258
00:16:58,900 --> 00:16:59,900
Karma.
259
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:04,819
Karma? Yes! You're Miss Karma here
trying to pawn off a broccoli casserole
260
00:17:04,819 --> 00:17:05,819
widow.
261
00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:15,060
Well, I'm back upstairs.
262
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,900
Oh, I don't know, Jim. This is some bad
mojo.
263
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:19,839
Bad mojo.
264
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:22,780
Glad I'm not you right now.
265
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:24,640
Interesting.
266
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,220
So at some point you did want to be me.
267
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:30,300
And you can't be.
268
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,000
It just drives you crazy, doesn't it?
269
00:17:43,050 --> 00:17:44,050
Joe, do you hear that?
270
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:51,330
I smell.
271
00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:30,770
Fried chicken.
272
00:18:33,430 --> 00:18:34,430
Who's here?
273
00:18:36,310 --> 00:18:37,310
Hello?
274
00:18:39,930 --> 00:18:40,930
Anybody?
275
00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:51,550
Hello?
276
00:18:53,350 --> 00:18:54,350
No.
277
00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:56,250
No, there's no Ernie here.
278
00:18:57,390 --> 00:18:58,390
Hello?
279
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:21,660
What the... All right.
280
00:19:23,220 --> 00:19:25,780
Who's ever here is a dead man! Too late!
281
00:20:15,979 --> 00:20:19,520
April Fool's? Are you kidding? After
everything you've pulled on us? Yeah, I
282
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,720
told off everyone at work before I found
out my promotion wasn't real.
283
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:26,960
You sent those fake IRS agents to my
house. I closed all my accounts and
284
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:27,960
to Haiti.
285
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,900
I was on the operating table before I
realized you faked my x -rays.
286
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,540
How about that time I woke up next to a
goat?
287
00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:41,100
All right, all right. Maybe I had it
coming.
288
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,820
I deserved it.
289
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:47,580
when I've been bested.
290
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:54,800
Cheryl, you are good. I dock my hat to
you, young lady.
291
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,200
I dock my hat to all of you.
292
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,340
Dock, dock, dock.
21562
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