All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s04e13_the_jealous_husband

And then, and then, Jim tried to set her
up with the cable guy because he wanted

to get free pay -per -view. Yeah, and on
our first date, he said he'd pick me up

on Saturday between 12 and 4.

Didn't show up till 5.

Is it so funny, Dr. Gibson?

Please, Cheryl, I've been dating your
sister now for a month. You can call me

Ryan. Oh, oh, yeah, I know, but it's
weird. I mean, because you're my

doctor and you've seen my... Hey, nonny,
hey, hey.

Well, I was going to say medical
records, but...

Okay. Hey, where have you been?

I had some business to square away with
the matrony.

Oh, no. Did you lie and say it's your
birthday to get free cake?

Cheryl, give me some credit.

I lied and said it was your birthday.
Oh.

Happy 50th, by the way.

You told him I was 50?

Honey, it was a tough sale. I had to
make it a milestone.

Don't worry, Cheryl. You do not look 50.

And he's seen your hey, nonny, hey, hey,
so...

How's everyone's meal so far? Oh, it's
delicious, and thank you so much for

recommending this wine.

It's one of my favorites. Well, it's
perfect. Thank you, Greg.

Greg?

How do you know his name?

He introduced himself when he came to
the table.

And you remembered it?

I didn't remember it.

Of course, I don't want to sleep with
him.

flirted with that guy. You just hit on
that guy right in front of me, right in

front of everybody, right in front of
the world.

What are you talking about? All she did
was say dinner is delicious.

Don't make me relive it.

I'm not interested in the waiter.

Oh, you didn't watch his tight little
ass as it walked away?

No.

Obviously you did.

I don't know. Oh, my God.

You had the salmon.

He recommended the salmon.

You witnessed the whole thing.

What's your take on it?

I'm a little confused right now.

Because I ordered the salmon, too.

You know what?

It's insane.

It's insane. Honey, I'm going to give
you some time to calm down.

Dana? Ladies room? Yeah. Say hi to sexy
Greg for me.

Oh, oh, and here, here.

How about this?

Here's a quarter you can bounce off his
tight young ass.

Are you going to eat those potatoes?

Excuse me? Too late.

Hey, Tim, what just happened here? I
asked if you wanted your potatoes and

didn't say anything, so I took them.

No, I'm talking about Cheryl. You just
went off on her about the waiter.

Oh, that.

Oh, yeah, I was faking jealousy.

What? Yeah, every couple of months or so
I fake jealousy.

Makes her feel good, makes her happy.

Usually when I see happy, the smile goes
this way. What's up?

I know, I know. She acts all mad.

But trust me, deep down inside, she's
loving it.

And you know, it's real easy to do. I
mean, sometimes you can do it with just

one word.

Watch, watch.

I forgot my lipstick.

Lipstick.

Lipstick.

Lipstick.

See how easy it is?

Thank you so much, girls. This is really
going to hit the spot.

So can we stay up till 10 o 'clock?

How's that now?

You said if we brought you snacks, you'd
let us stay up till 10.

No, Uncle Andy said he'd think about it.

And he has.

And you're not.

Nighty -night.

Come on!

You promised!

Yeah, I know, and that's tonight's
lesson. Grown -ups are liars.

You got that water out of the toilet?

Just a little game of tag.

Yeah.

These mint juleps here are just pure
joy.

Oh, stay.

All right, my baby girls, go up and get
into bed, and I'll be right up to tuck

you in.

All in good fun, right, girls?

What? They're weird.

Oh, man, thanks a lot for dinner. I just
don't know what happened to my wallet.

It's in your back pocket.

I'll be damned.

Always the last place you look.

All right.

Showtime.

Cheryl, you're killing me.

Cheryl, you're killing me.

Cheryl, you're killing me.

Are you still on that?

You bet I am. What's that waiter got
that I don't have?

All his chromosomes.

Totally get me.

I can't believe after all these years
you're still so jealous. Yeah, and I

believe after all these years you're
still shaking it for any punk who'll

your water glass.

You're getting all worked up over
nothing. Yeah.

Greg wasn't even the best looking waiter
there.

All right, that's it.

That's it. No, I'm going down there.
Andy, get some bail money because I'm

to need it.

I know you're the only man for me, Greg.

Very funny, very funny. Cheryl, that's
very funny. I know.

Dana, you want to help me make coffee?
Sure.

If my jealous husband will let me out of
his sight for that long.

Go make coffee. It's not like I'm going
to sleep anyway.

I'm going to be up all night.

Greg, Greg, Greg.

Nicely done, Jim. Thank you. Nicely
done.

Wait a minute.

Andy, you know about this whole fake
jealousy thing, too?

Fake jealousy?

Who said anything about fake jealousy?

I've never heard such a... Andy, I told
him.

Yeah, I know a thing or two.

Okay, here's what I don't understand.

You're lying to your wife. Just morally
speaking, aren't you on shaky ground?

Andy, were we ever that young?

Listen up, Gibson. The doctor of love is
in. Okay. He's got a Ph .D. in

wifeology. Okay, listen. You're going to
get a shot of Casanova cane.

Andy!

All right, listen, Doc.

See, a good friend of mine, Stevie B.,
once told me, you know what? You can

never take a relationship for granted.

So every once in a while, I go, you
know, I'm nuts.

Jealousy nuts, you know, crazy jealousy,
you know. I mean, I'll stomp my feet,

I'll yell, I'll make a scene, I'll throw
something sometimes, but nothing of

value, nothing that's breakable.

See, it lets Cheryl know that I still
care for her.

You know, just because she's my wife, it
doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be

treated like a girlfriend.

Couldn't you just tell her you
appreciate her?

This one gets the girlfriend, and I'm
drinking toilet water. Where's the

justice?

I'm still not buying it.

Jim?

Honey, you seem kind of worked up. Can I
get you a glass of wine?

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever.

All right, I'm just going to call Greg
and see what he recommends.

God, she loves it.

You really know what you're talking
about.

Come on, tell me more. Let's go.

Oh!

All in good time, my friend.

Hey, but this is just the tip of the
iceberg.

Yeah, he once got Cheryl to do yard work
on her birthday.

And she thanked him.

You know what, Doc?

You're in the in crowd now.

But there's a responsibility that comes
with that.

Like what?

Keeping your yaps shut.

Dana can't know.

Because then Cheryl will know.

And that'll be bad.

Really bad for everybody.

I got it.

Real bad.

I got it.

Welcome to the inner circle. That's
right. Sweet, isn't it? Three

A colleague of mine gave me tickets to
Le Note de Figaro. Oh.

Is that opera?

Kind of hoping you'd know.

Why don't we just scalp him and tie one
on his steakhouse?

You totally get me.

Hey, Chip, I'll have the usual, please.
You got it, Dana.

And for you?

Decaf latte.

By the way, we got those maple scones
you like? Oh, I've got to have one of

those. Thanks, Chip.

How do you know his name?

Oh, I come in here almost every day.

Do you hit on him every day or just in
front of me?

What? All I did was order coffee and a
scone. Scone?

Scone?

Scone!

Did you want one too?

How long has this been going on, huh?
How long have I been your patsy?

You're making a scene. Scene? You want a
scene? I'll give you a scene.

Because I'm jealous.

I'm crazy!

Imagine if that had been like a real mug
for a dolphin.

That would have been a scene.

going to have to show me if you can
clean up after your brother first.

Just let me know how it turns out.

He said I was flirting with this guy in
the coffee shop and he flew into this

jealous rage for no reason. I'm here for
you.

sure he just had a bad day. You know
what you need to do?

You need to just call him. I'm sure
there's an explanation.

That is the worst thing you could do.

Don't call him. He's a jerk.

Come on. He upsets you.

Forget him. Make a clean break. Move to
another town. I'll help you pack.

Jim. No.

Cheryl, for once, Jim is right. When I
left the coffee shop, I called Ryan and

broke up with him on his answering
machine. We are over.

I am proud of you, girl.

I am so proud of you. That comes so much
courage.

Listen to me. Men are really trouble.

They're bad.

I always thought you'd make a better
lesbian anyway.

All right.

I'll get that, all right? But I'm going
to take this with me in case you feel

weak. And your cell phone.

Dana, I'm all about you.

Baby, I'm sorry.

But, you know, look at the bright side.
At least you found out early.

Not like going out and bought a wedding
dress.

I'm going to talk to Dana. I know
she's... Calm down! Calm down!

Okay.

I know what happened, and we're going to
work on it. Let me cover this first.

What's that?

I took your advice and Dana broke up
with me. Of course she did.

What? Look, when you act jealous when
you're married, it's romantic.

When you act jealous when you're dating,
you're a psycho.

You never told me that. It was implied.

You never treat a girlfriend like a
girlfriend. You treat a girlfriend like

wife.

Oh, man, I've ruined the best thing
that's ever happened to me. Damn right.

don't think our relationship's going to
recover.

I'm talking about Dana.

I'm just going to go in there and tell
her the truth. The truth?

Come on, Doc.

How many points do you think you're
going to score with Dana telling her

gave you this advice?

I'm screwed.

Yeah.

What am I supposed to do? Well, just
don't panic, all right? You're new at

I'm going to walk you through it. You
just got to listen to me. Listen to me.

But taking your advice got me here in
the first place.

You want to argue with me? You're going
to be doing ten push -ups.

But I just feel like... But, but, but,
but, I think I found somebody like...

You!

That's 20 for you now.

Come on, let me see him.

Hey, you want Dana back or not?

Come on!

Hop it!

All right.

Here's the plan.

Nice form, by the way.

Who was the guy that you pretended to be
jealous over?

Chip. The guy that works at the coffee
shop she always goes to.

Chip.

Yeah, that's good.

We're going to need Chip.

Why? That why just cost you $40.

Don't you mean $30? $50!

Keep that buck down!

Look at her.

There's my future.

This is hard. Do you know what you need
to do?

You need to talk to Mom.

Why would I do that?

Because I already told him she's calling
you later.

Cheryl! You know what? She was writing
me about not circumcising Kyle. I had to

change the subject.

Here are your coffees, ladies.

This one's on me, Dana. Oh, thank you.

My pleasure.

That'll be $2 .25, ma 'am.

So, where's your guy?

Oh, we broke up.

Yeah.

you were flirting with me that you two
just weren't gonna make it.

No, I wasn't flirting with you.

Dana, there's one thing I've learned in
the coffee game.

It's when a lovely lady is looking for
company.

Okay, I've officially hit rock bottom.

By the way, Raging Kegger, Saturday
night.

Chipser hates flying solo.

Now I'm looking up at rock bottom.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

If this kid thinks you were flirting
with him, maybe you were.

Oh, my God, maybe I was.

That means Ryan is not a complete
psycho. And I'm just a pathetic flirt

to attract men to validate her own self
-worth.

That's just what Mom said.

Oh, my God.

I've got to go find Ryan.

Thank you, Cheryl.

Oh, no problem. That's what sisters are
for.

Hey, Mom, it's me.

a pathetic flirt?

No, Kyle is too old to have it done now.

Well, that was dad's generation.

And in closing, I urge you to consider
dumping the purple horseshoes from your

otherwise fine cereal.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
yours truly.

CC the governor? As always.

happy couple. Yeah, Cheryl told me the
good news. You guys are back together,

huh? Yeah, it was all a silly
misunderstanding. You want to hear all

Not really.

I was just being polite.

Cheryl in the kitchen?

Yeah, she has to clean up after the dog.

You don't have a dog.

It's a long story.

Didn't I tell you slipping the chipster
50 bucks is going to fix it? Yeah, you

were right.

Of course he was right, Harvard.

Went to Columbia.

Whatever, Harvard.

Just thank the man.

Oh, no, no thanks is necessary.

You're on the inside now, and we take
care of our own.

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

You didn't say anything, did you? No.

Not at first. What?

What did you say?

Everything. I told her everything. What?

Everything, everything?

Yeah, I don't want to start a
relationship based on deceit. What was

say?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait, wait,
wait, wait. Hey, I made a promise not to

anything to Cheryl. Oh, my God.

Why don't you keep your yap shut and not
tell Cheryl?

Jim, for the life of me, I have no idea
what you're talking about. How much,

Dana? $20 ,000.

What?

I could have you killed for five.

Relax, you jackass. I'm not going to
tell her.

You're not?

No.

What's the catch?

There is no catch.

Look, I don't get it, but for some
strange reason...

Cheryl loves it when you get jealous.

And I know in your own twisted way,
you're just trying to show your wife

you love her.

Why would I ruin that for her?

Wow.

That's... really nice?

Yeah.

Don't get used to it. And listen, if you
ever give Ryan advice again, unless

it's secretly coming from me, I will
come down on you like the hammer of God.

Hold on. I'd like you to drop and give
me 20 push -ups. What?

Yeah, Brian told me that, too.

Well, he's a little chatterbox, isn't
he?

Make it 30.

I'm not doing that.

Oh, shit. Okay, okay. Count them on.

One. And two. Keep your back straight,
Sally. Oh.

Four. And five.

Put some love in it. Six.