All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s04e12_the_nanny-cam

All right.

Is everybody ready for some winter fun?

Yeah!

Let's go sledding.

Oh, God.

Daddy, it's really cold.

I know. It's colder than a witch's nose.

All right.

Let's go to plan B.

Yay!

A little lecture on safety.

Not a word to your mother.

Andy,

you all right?

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

So, we gonna go to the park, go
sledding?

No, it's too cold out.

Sounds like plan B.

Go get your bike helmets.

And again, not a word of this to your
mother.

Oh, baby.

Gordon's got Earnhardt boxed in. He
can't make a move.

Come on, Junior. Pass up that pretty
boy.

We'll be right back with more NASCAR
action right after this.

All right, kids.

Pit stop. Let's move.

Move it, move it, move it. Big dances.
Let's go.

Soul hustle.

I need a wipe down.

Racists are one in the pits.

18 seconds, better.

But you don't wipe the lips, you pat.

You know, Annie, it's times like these
I'm glad I had an extra child.

You're a good father, Jim.

Hey, guys, where's Cheryl?

She's on the couch.

No, she's not.

Then I don't know.

Well, she wanted to borrow this dress
for your date tonight.

Speaking of which, when you're
babysitting tonight, can you get the

a little earlier? They're way off their
times today. Actually, Jim, I can't

babysit tonight. I have another date
with Dr. Gibson.

My 17th.

18th, if you count the time he caught me
following him.

So, my loser days are over.

All right. Guess I gotta go to the loser
bullpen.

You're up.

Yeah, sorry. I'm busy, too. The Sci -Fi
Film Club meets tonight.

Damn it!

I forgot my cape at the dry cleaners.
Now my wizard hat's just going to look

stupid.

Cheryl, Cheryl, guess what?

We got no babysitter for tonight. The
selfish twins here have decided to have

social life instead of helping us get
away from our kids.

Don't worry, I got a sitter.

Who? I met this great woman at the park.
She'll be here at 7. The park?

Yeah.

Oh, are the dog tracks closed?

Honey, she's a nice woman. She'll take
good care of our kids.

What happened to Mrs. Bishop? I liked
her.

She died.

Remember, we couldn't go to her funeral
because we couldn't find a sitter?

Cheryl, I'm not going to let someone
I've never met babysit our kids.

I've watched Mrs. Nelson at the park
with the kids she takes care of, and she

wonderful. She is. It's going to be
fine. Would you just trust me on this?

Trust? Yes.

Okay, Cheryl, I'll trust you. Okay.
We'll use your hobo from the park.

But I don't want to hear you complain
when we get home and Ruby's kidney is in

cooler off to Mexico.

Okay, Jim. Hey, Dana, let's go see how
this looks on me. Oh, I'm sure you'll be

the prettiest girl in the bowling alley
snack bar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at me.

I'm sure and I trust everybody.

I'm so nice.

Yeah, I don't push cars into
intersections when they cut me off.

Yeah, she got mom's kind heart and I got
dad's enlarged prostate.

You know what, Andy, I'm telling you, I
don't feel good about this babysitter.

You know what I'm going to do?

Spitballing here, but something sneaky
and underhanded.

Bingo.

I'm going to get one of those little
cameras, those little hidden cameras

you see on the news. Oh, yeah, those
nanny cameras. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've

those. They put them in stuffed animals
and in pop cans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What

do you think that'll set me back?

Ten, fifteen bucks? Oh, closer to a
hundred. Hundred?

Come on!

What? All right, no price too high to
protect my kids.

Want to go hamsies with me?

They're not my kids. I said hamsies!

Come on!

Fine. Good.

All right, let's go get ourselves a
camera.

Hey, you gonna tell Cheryl?

Yeah, right, right. And I have to listen
to her right to privacy and civil

liberties nonsense?

Forget it. Yeah, where are the civil
liberties for the guy parked outside the

yoga studio taking a few tasteful
pictures?

You know what, Andy?

If I am wrong about this babysitter
thing, and I hope that I am, Sharon will

never know that I spied on her. And if
the babysitter's no good?

Then I can throw that whole naive,
trusty thing back in her face.

And protect the kids.

Right, yeah, protect the kids.

Hey,

what are you doing?

I'm just looking at the videos of the
babysitter.

Anything good?

Nah. For a moment there, I thought I saw
Mrs. Nelson popping pills.

Turned out it was just fiber.

Oh, you put it in the kitchen?

Yeah, why?

No reason. I'm just thinking we've got a
lot of work to do, Jim, so why don't we

hop to it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this?

Gracie studies more when she's grounded.

All right, here.

Here's the babysitter again.

Hey, look it.

It looks like she's teaching him how to
gamble.

Got any threes?

Go fish.

I just love you kids.

We love you too, Mrs. Nelson.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jim.

Is she hugging or feeling for that
kidney?

Babysitter is spotless.

Cheryl's right.

The kids are safe.

Crap.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.

It's Cheryl and Dana. I want to see what
they say about me.

I don't know, Andy. Do you think you're
strong enough?

Jim, please.

I grew up with him. I've heard all the
teasing.

Andy's a jerk.

Why would you say that?

Because he is.

Yeah, kind of.

I'm not going to lie to you. That one
stinks.

Oh, my God.

You didn't know.

No!

I can't believe it. My own wife's
keeping secret money from me.

What the hell's going on?

What are you going to do?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know
how to play this.

Wait. What's to play, man? You take the
money. We go get us some lap dances down

at the Oval Office.

That, my friend, is how you check your
woman.

Yeah, well, when I'm checking her,
should I be wearing my cape or my wizard

had my charm amulet, I'd put a whammy on
you. Oh, son.

This is important, Andy.

I got it. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to crawl up there, open that,
take a little money out every day, and

then let's watch her go crazy on our
hidden camera. Oh, that's genius.

Serves her right, man.

It's like I say, Jim, you can't trust
anybody except me.

What do you mean? You just sold out a
seven -year -old girl to cover your own

ass?

I don't need to take her to the circus.

You're welcome.

Hey. Hey.

Aren't you supposed to be working?

I'm supposed to be doing a lot of
things.

I'm glad you're here. Come here. Sit
down. What?

I think Mrs. Nelson has been stealing
from my stash.

You're kidding.

That sweet old lady.

I know. I know. I saw the same thing
that just started happening when we

her. How much did she take?

Well. First, I thought it was 50, but I
just checked, and there's more gone.

I know. I just don't know how to prove
it.

I'll fill a sock with oranges. We'll get
the truth out of her.

No, we can't beat up an old lady. Can't
or won't, Cheryl.

I know, I know. You should get one of
those little cameras that people use to

check up on their nannies and
boyfriends. I mean, nannies.

No, I couldn't do that to Mrs. Nelson.
That's an invasion of her privacy. I

wouldn't want to violate her civil
liberties.

I'm sure a lot of people do that. You
know, they had a whole series on it in

news last week.

Well, I guess if people on TV are doing
it, it must be okay.

But you can't tell Jim because I made
such a big deal about how great she is.

Oh, please. I didn't tell him when he
set his shirt on fire. Why would I tell

him this?

Let's go get one of those cameras. Cool.

Hey, and if I'm wrong about Mrs. Nelson
stealing, Jim never needs to know. Okay.

And what if you're right?

Well, then I'll find a way to fire her
and save face.

Yeah. and protect the kids.

Right, right, the kids.

All right, girls, outside.

Mama needs a VCR.

Well, it's Annie.

We love her. Well, it's a hard knock
life. Come on, beat it, beat it.

Why don't you guys go play orphan and
you can sing and dance like Annie? Can

scrub the floors?

Well, that's what orphans do.

I'm just going to fast forward until we
see something we want. Okay.

Jim and Andy.

No. End of discussion.

No. Jim, all I'm saying is if you have
the three stooges in a haunted house,

throw in a gorilla? That's a whole other
movie.

Will you keep an eye out?

I'm going up.

Yes, yes, yes.

I think I'm just going to take $25 out
this time.

You know what?

It's enough to drive Cheryl nuts, but
not distract her from making dinner.

Once again.

Kudos on your healthy marriage.

You know what? I just love my nanny cam.
It is so great to see Cheryl count the

money over and over again.

It's like a chicken pecking at herself
in a mirror.

She can't figure it out.

Figure it out now, didn't I, smartass?

That Jim is spying on you with a nanny
cam. That is so dishonest.

I know.

Well, if he wants to drive me crazy, too
can play at that game. Really?

How? We are going to put on a little
show for his nanny cam.

Okay, but I'm not going to do anything
embarrassing.

Dina, you kissed my mop.

No, I kissed back.

Cheryl, you sure saved a bundle of...
the store today, Cheryl.

Yeah, saved a bundle by buying expired
meat.

So, Cheryl, if you're gonna skim off the
top, you gotta cut costs somewhere,

Cheryl.

I know my name, Dana. Right, right.

Right, right, Cheryl, you do.

Sorry.

Hey, this week's take brings me up to
$500.

Time to put it in the big jar.

Yeah, the big jar.

It's what's in the big jar. It brings me
up to my goal.

$15 ,000, baby.

$15 ,000. Oh, my God. I can't believe
it. Congratulations.

Thanks. Took me 12 years, but I did it.
Now I can put that down payment down on

Monday. Oh, yes, the down payment. Oh,
boy, do I envy you.

That thing that you're putting the down
payment on is great.

What a thing.

And the best part is, Jim will never
know.

Okay, now let's go take this and bury it
in the backyard in the secret place

with the other money.

The best part is, Jim will never know.

I already said that, Dana.

thing you spied on her, you never would
have found out how sneaky she is.

And what about the down payment?

What's that about?

I don't know. Hey, would Cheryl have any
use for a personal submarine?

No. Hovercraft?

No. Jetpack?

Annie, she's a thief, not a nerd.

Come on, let's go dig up that $15 ,000
before she does something stupid with

Wow, 15 grand.

Man, if I had that, I'd learn Italian
and get calf implants.

Woo, that was fun. I haven't been
drinking in the middle of the day in a

time.

Yeah, have a few kids.

What's that noise?

Sounds like a hack jammer.

You mean a jackhammer?

years of kids' pets.

Jim, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm
digging up $15 ,000 that you buried

you thieving pirate. Oh, my God. This is
great.

I hope I remember it tomorrow.

Come on, Cheryl. We know all about your
dirty submarine money.

Now, we demand an explanation and the
first ride.

There is no $15 ,000.

Please, enough with the lie. I know. I
saw it with my own eyes. I had a nanny

cam up there in the kitchen.

I know, because I saw you on my nanny
cam.

What? You have a nanny cam, too?

Yeah, because I thought someone was
stealing from me, and it was you.

Two nanny cams and no smoke detectors.
What does that say about your family?

All right, I'm out of here.

Oh, me too. You can kiss this frozen
buck goodbye.

Hey, Andy, can I have a ride home?

Why should I? You called me a jerk.
Well, you are a jerk.

Yeah, kind of. Come on.

So you're telling me there's no $15
,000?

No, no, just the $400 in the cabinet.

Aha! So you admit to having a secret
stash of money.

Yeah.

Oh, Cheryl, I don't know. It's those
damn desperate housewives.

Ever since you started watching that
show, you've changed.

Why are you hiding the money?

I do it to keep the peace around here.
What are you talking about peace?

Jim, have you noticed we don't fight
about money anymore?

Yeah, because you stopped spending so
much of it. No, no.

I spend the same as I always did. You
just don't know about it.

Cheryl, I need to know where the money
goes here.

What are you spending it on? Oh, good
God, woman, you're not giving it to

charity, are you?

I spend it on ordinary things we use
every day, like shoes and clothes and

for the kids. Oh, Cheryl, I don't care
about that. I've never cared about that.

Pam, you go crazy if anything costs more
than it did in 1940.

I do not.

Yeah, you do. You overreact.

Tell me one time I've overreacted.

All right.

Besides today.

Cheryl, Cheryl, I need to know how every
penny is spent in this household.

All right, then we're going to fight.

No, we're not going to fight.

All right, fine.

I got my hair done the other day. What
do you think that costs?

You're toying with me, aren't you? You
think I'm going to say $20?

$5?

$35?

Please don't make it $40.

$85. $85?

Andy cuts my hair for $5 and throws in a
delightful scalp massage.

Well, since you're handling that so
well, Kyle's shoes cost $45.

$45? Yeah.

Ruby's soccer uniform, 60 bucks.

60? Yeah. She stinks.

She hasn't scored a goal in three years.
Well?

Well, why can't you just make her
uniform?

Oh, you know, that's a great idea. Hey,
and I'll make Kyle's shoes, too. I'm

just going to go on down to the mall and
pick me up one of them there cobbler's

benches. Yeah, that'll probably be about
600 dollars. And you know what? We'll

get a cow, because then the leather will
be free.

You know what we're going to need? pay
for the couch. We're going to need to

a combine. That'll be about, oh, I'd say
a quarter of a million dollars. I don't

have a quarter of a million dollars,
Carol. You don't need a quarter of a

million dollars.

Jim, we're fine.

We are more than fine.

I just don't think I'll ever believe
that.

Oh, I know.

Just because you don't believe it
doesn't mean it's not true.

Come on, you've got to trust me.

You playing a trust card again?

See? Wasn't it better when you didn't
know anything?

Ah, the good old days.

I wish I could be that ignorant again.

Maybe. You will be.

Thanks for believing in me. Yeah.

All right, here's what we're going to
do.

I'm going to hide my stash in a new
place, and you are not going to look for

Is that the cat?

No, it's the gerbil.

You know what? We've got to get that
nanny cam out of the kitchen. It's

I already took mine out.

Really? Where is it?

I can't remember.

Hey, you know what?

You should take a shower. It suds up a
little bit more this time. Oh.

And use that shower massager.

Oh.