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1
00:00:00,430 --> 00:00:04,590
Daddy, want to see the picture I drew
for school of the first Thanksgiving?
2
00:00:05,050 --> 00:00:08,930
Sure, I got plenty of time. It's not
like I'm worried about the breakfast
3
00:00:08,930 --> 00:00:10,930
mother slaved over getting cold.
4
00:00:12,710 --> 00:00:16,129
Don't you think me and Greg are going to
be cooking for eight hours on Thursday?
5
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,990
Honey, today's Tuesday. You need two
days rest to work eight hours?
6
00:00:20,830 --> 00:00:22,550
Are they hiring where you work?
7
00:00:23,650 --> 00:00:26,250
Yeah, don't bother. My boss only likes
blondes.
8
00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:30,610
Why are you hovering?
9
00:00:32,270 --> 00:00:36,390
My picture? Oh, your picture. Yeah, look
at that. Isn't that sweet?
10
00:00:37,030 --> 00:00:41,830
You got the pilgrims shaking hands with
the Indian watching TV.
11
00:00:43,490 --> 00:00:44,490
It's a computer.
12
00:00:45,330 --> 00:00:46,930
They're ordering a turkey online.
13
00:00:47,290 --> 00:00:48,290
Oh.
14
00:00:49,210 --> 00:00:51,570
Okay, I see that. It's plugged into
Plymouth Rock.
15
00:00:53,090 --> 00:00:57,870
Here's mine. Okay. It's a lady Indian
putting her Thanksgiving groceries in
16
00:00:57,870 --> 00:00:58,990
minivan. I don't know.
17
00:00:59,230 --> 00:01:02,010
And that's Paris Hilton looking down
from her jet.
18
00:01:03,610 --> 00:01:07,150
Jim, I'm thinking you should buy a boat
with the college fund because it don't
19
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,150
look like it's happening.
20
00:01:09,710 --> 00:01:11,170
Scooch, give me some room.
21
00:01:12,710 --> 00:01:18,610
The Pilgrims did not have everything
that we have today. They had to grow
22
00:01:18,610 --> 00:01:21,610
own food. They had to hunt with bows and
arrows. They had to make their own
23
00:01:21,610 --> 00:01:23,570
clothes. Kind of like strict hippies.
24
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,100
We'd starve to death.
25
00:01:28,580 --> 00:01:29,720
No, we wouldn't.
26
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,340
Daddy would hunt us a turkey.
27
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:37,100
Is that adorable?
28
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,280
What are you talking about adorable?
29
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,300
It's true. I can do it.
30
00:01:41,580 --> 00:01:44,580
Girls, when it comes to getting food,
your dad's pretty much useless.
31
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,180
Unless there's a drive -thru.
32
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:49,960
Don't listen to her. She doesn't know
what she's talking about.
33
00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:53,180
If I had to, I could go out there and
bag a turkey like that.
34
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:54,199
Oh, really?
35
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,200
What have you ever hunted?
36
00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:56,840
I bagged you, didn't I?
37
00:01:59,940 --> 00:02:02,220
And if you were any smaller, I'd have to
throw you back.
38
00:02:05,660 --> 00:02:06,539
Cool, bud.
39
00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:07,580
All right, nice job, girl.
40
00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:09,900
Hey, have fun in prison. Oh, baby.
41
00:02:10,979 --> 00:02:13,480
Love you, love you. Have a good day at
school, girl.
42
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,120
Love you to tears.
43
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,460
I can't believe you two.
44
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,800
What? I can't believe you actually
insinuated in front of my children that
45
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,420
could not provide for them. Honey, I
just...
46
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:25,840
weren't a hunter.
47
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:29,840
I am a hunter. I'm a natural born
hunter. I'm a caveman.
48
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:34,520
You could drop me off in the middle of
Antarctica and I would survive.
49
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,920
Cheryl, I know a guy. We could do this.
Oh,
50
00:02:38,060 --> 00:02:41,520
come on. The closest you ever came to
hunting is when you poked around in the
51
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,200
grass for a hot dog that rolled off the
grill.
52
00:02:44,460 --> 00:02:47,940
All I'm saying is if I had to do it, I
could do it.
53
00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:51,620
Actually, Jim, I know a place where you
can go and hunt your own turkey.
54
00:02:51,940 --> 00:02:52,940
I'm all ears.
55
00:02:53,230 --> 00:02:54,450
It's just across state line.
56
00:02:54,690 --> 00:02:58,690
Yeah, yeah, they stock the woods full of
wild turkeys and supply you with your
57
00:02:58,690 --> 00:03:01,050
own crossbow. Really? No, no, no, Jim.
58
00:03:01,430 --> 00:03:03,230
You've never even used a crossbow.
59
00:03:03,570 --> 00:03:05,990
Cheryl, please. I've seen Braveheart
three times.
60
00:03:07,070 --> 00:03:09,910
I think I know my way around a crossbow,
okay?
61
00:03:10,510 --> 00:03:13,810
Okay, you're not seriously thinking
about it. I'm done thinking.
62
00:03:14,030 --> 00:03:16,250
Forget it. My primal instincts have just
kicked in.
63
00:03:16,570 --> 00:03:20,990
Tomorrow, I hunt, I feast, then I breed.
64
00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:36,950
Hey, it's nice to meet you. We'll see
you out there.
65
00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:40,210
Hey, check out this hat I got in the
gift shop.
66
00:03:41,630 --> 00:03:43,170
Can you believe it was on sale?
67
00:03:45,170 --> 00:03:46,490
You look like Elmer Fudd.
68
00:03:48,110 --> 00:03:52,730
Now, to entice a bird within shooting
range, you want to make a few soft
69
00:03:52,730 --> 00:03:53,730
on your turkey call.
70
00:03:54,070 --> 00:03:55,090
Let's all try it together.
71
00:04:01,710 --> 00:04:05,610
Last thing, while you're hunting, keep
an eye out for Angry Pete, the meanest,
72
00:04:05,670 --> 00:04:07,170
nastiest bird in these woods.
73
00:04:07,430 --> 00:04:09,390
Some say he's just a legend.
74
00:04:09,690 --> 00:04:11,690
Oh, he's no legend.
75
00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:24,170
He's 40 pounds of feather fury, he is,
with three -inch flesh -ripping spurs,
76
00:04:24,170 --> 00:04:26,910
and he likes to use them.
77
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,760
Andy, relax. This old drunk's just part
of the show.
78
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,000
Who said that?
79
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,380
Is this just part of the show?
80
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:40,780
Oh!
81
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,300
Oh, good God!
82
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:44,760
Hey,
83
00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:46,820
you mind closing the curtain there?
84
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,740
Starting to taste my waffles again.
85
00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:55,700
So remember, keep an eye out for angry
pee.
86
00:05:00,110 --> 00:05:02,590
Why don't they put an owl over a marble
in there or something?
87
00:05:05,150 --> 00:05:09,610
All right, people. Find your hunting
guides and let's head out. These birds
88
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:10,569
happy and free.
89
00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:11,850
They ain't going to kill themselves.
90
00:05:18,090 --> 00:05:19,630
This is stupid.
91
00:05:19,990 --> 00:05:24,790
What? Guides and gift shops and old men
with patches.
92
00:05:25,290 --> 00:05:27,510
You know what? The cavemen never hunted
like this.
93
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,000
Now, if we were real men, we'd go out
there naked with clubs.
94
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,720
Hey, we'd all love to run around the
forest naked.
95
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:40,640
Okay, but there are a lot of hunters in
those woods, and parts of me look like a
96
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:41,640
turkey.
97
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:48,320
Besides, that angry Pete seems kind of
scary.
98
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,120
Not as scary as what you just told me.
99
00:05:54,180 --> 00:05:55,180
You know what?
100
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:56,960
Let's ditch these guys.
101
00:05:57,470 --> 00:05:58,770
Let's go hunt like real men.
102
00:05:59,390 --> 00:06:00,390
I'll tell you what we'll do.
103
00:06:00,710 --> 00:06:03,810
We'll go out there with them, and then
you fall down on the ground. You know,
104
00:06:03,850 --> 00:06:04,850
fake like you have a heart attack.
105
00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:09,550
And during the hubbub, I'll sneak away.
And when the paramedics come, let them
106
00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:13,690
hit you once with the paddles, get up,
say, hey, thanks for saving my life, and
107
00:06:13,690 --> 00:06:14,950
then sneak off and try to find me.
108
00:06:19,090 --> 00:06:20,510
Or we could just go that way.
109
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:23,450
Yeah.
110
00:06:23,990 --> 00:06:25,670
Okay. But you know what?
111
00:06:25,930 --> 00:06:27,130
I want to try that plan someday.
112
00:06:29,270 --> 00:06:31,390
Want to know which part looks like a
turkey? No!
113
00:06:36,210 --> 00:06:40,810
Turkey fun fact number 13, Jim. The
first meal eaten on the moon by Neil
114
00:06:40,810 --> 00:06:43,490
Armstrong? Roast turkey in a foil
packet.
115
00:06:45,130 --> 00:06:47,050
Well, I guess we don't need his
crossbows.
116
00:06:47,870 --> 00:06:49,810
Because you're going to bore the birds
to death.
117
00:06:50,570 --> 00:06:51,930
Well, I'm sorry.
118
00:06:52,190 --> 00:06:56,940
But I'm cold, I'm tired, and to top it
all off, Later, I'd get to squat over a
119
00:06:56,940 --> 00:06:57,940
mirror and do a tit check.
120
00:06:59,060 --> 00:07:00,800
I'm sorry. I didn't know you were cold.
121
00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:02,180
And a girl.
122
00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:05,780
Why don't you just prance on back to
your little guide?
123
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,440
Did it ever occur to you that they call
them guides because they guide you to
124
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,720
the birds? Oh, shut up. No, you shut up.
You shut up. Shut your fucking mouth.
125
00:07:13,540 --> 00:07:17,560
You know what? I really wish there was
an angry Pete so he could slash me to
126
00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:18,940
ribbons and put me out of my misery.
127
00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:22,020
Let me get your wish.
128
00:07:22,220 --> 00:07:25,000
Oh, no. I don't want to die like this,
Jim. I want...
129
00:07:25,930 --> 00:07:27,830
Go back to hell where you came from.
130
00:07:29,430 --> 00:07:30,430
Reload.
131
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:32,990
Damn it, this sucks.
132
00:07:33,510 --> 00:07:34,990
How did Braveheart do it?
133
00:07:41,550 --> 00:07:42,550
Come on.
134
00:07:46,830 --> 00:07:49,530
Hold your fire, Jim. Hold your fire.
What?
135
00:07:49,750 --> 00:07:50,910
It's not angry Pete.
136
00:07:51,830 --> 00:07:52,930
It's a little bunny.
137
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,560
I almost killed a poor defenseless
little bunny.
138
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:02,360
How? By throwing candy at it?
139
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:04,580
I guess we could have given it diabetes.
140
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,000
Sorry I lost it, bro.
141
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:11,460
That's all right.
142
00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:13,500
Look, these woods can get to you.
143
00:08:14,340 --> 00:08:17,640
Many a man has been known to do weird
things out here in the woods.
144
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:20,860
You know what I'm talking about.
145
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:24,880
Move, I gotta go pee. Fine.
146
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,220
I'm going to take me a little candy
break.
147
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:30,440
Nothing like a brush with death.
148
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:33,919
Putting you in the mood for fine English
caramel.
149
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:50,440
Andy, will you knock it off? I'm trying
to focus here.
150
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:52,560
Yes, I did.
151
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,640
I told you I would, and I did.
152
00:09:55,020 --> 00:09:56,020
Wow.
153
00:09:56,820 --> 00:09:59,920
You know, I got to confess, I thought
for sure one of you would come home with
154
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:00,920
an arrow in your butt.
155
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,660
Hey, where's the turkey?
156
00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:08,640
Well, Andy's got it. He's bringing it,
and it's a beaut. He's having it cleaned
157
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,480
right now in their on -site turkey
cleaning service.
158
00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:14,840
It's going to look just like a store
-bought turkey.
159
00:10:33,290 --> 00:10:35,370
all this adrenaline running through my
system from hunting.
160
00:10:35,890 --> 00:10:37,290
This hunter is thirsty.
161
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:38,970
How about a beer?
162
00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:43,310
Well, of course. Anything for my big,
strong hunter. I love you. I love you.
163
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:44,730
Breeding later.
164
00:10:49,410 --> 00:10:50,450
How about some chips?
165
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:52,750
Hey, I'm not married to you.
166
00:11:25,740 --> 00:11:26,559
Good to go.
167
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:30,340
You got the turkey? Yeah. And get this
for free. No kidding?
168
00:11:30,740 --> 00:11:33,180
Yeah. All I had to do was spend $100 on
groceries.
169
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,300
There's just one thing, and don't freak
out.
170
00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:39,500
The bird's frozen.
171
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:40,720
What?
172
00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:45,980
You got a frozen bird? You got a frozen
turkey? What were you thinking? Why do I
173
00:11:45,980 --> 00:11:47,260
even bother saying don't freak out?
174
00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:50,620
Oh, look, it's a butterball holding a
turkey.
175
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:55,200
Wow, how big is that thing? 22 pounds.
176
00:11:55,420 --> 00:11:59,340
Yeah, it's plucked, clean, and flash
frozen right there at the place.
177
00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:03,300
They freeze it just so you can thaw it
out again?
178
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,640
Yeah.
179
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,060
Because, you know.
180
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,520
It's Indiana, you know them. They freeze
everything.
181
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,840
Yep, basketball and freezing stuff.
182
00:12:15,620 --> 00:12:16,620
Hoosiers.
183
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,760
Okay, I'm going to get this thing in the
fridge. Come on, Dina.
184
00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:22,200
What do you want me to do?
185
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,600
I killed the day. Don't push me.
186
00:12:30,990 --> 00:12:32,870
Oh, I don't know, Cheryl. It's kind of a
pain in the butt.
187
00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:38,410
Hello, my son.
188
00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:40,070
Daddy, I made you a cow.
189
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,500
Okay, Jim, what's wrong?
190
00:13:19,180 --> 00:13:20,180
I don't know.
191
00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:22,060
That kid gets on my nerves.
192
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:27,200
You know, it looks like you're in a lot
of pain.
193
00:13:27,580 --> 00:13:29,600
Really? Is there something you want to
tell me?
194
00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:37,180
Cheryl! Why do I think that has
something to do with the
195
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:38,180
explanation?
196
00:14:16,430 --> 00:14:17,209
Kill people, right?
197
00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:20,710
It was either give them the bird or the
toothless one was going to make a woman
198
00:14:20,710 --> 00:14:21,710
out of Andy.
199
00:14:24,170 --> 00:14:25,170
Right, Andy?
200
00:14:26,170 --> 00:14:27,510
Yeah, yeah, yeah, a woman.
201
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:30,350
And I wasn't in the mood for that at
all.
202
00:14:32,150 --> 00:14:35,610
No, no, no, no, no. He'll take whatever
he can get. They're lying.
203
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:39,790
Jim, what happened out there?
204
00:14:40,410 --> 00:14:41,410
You want the truth, right?
205
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:43,950
Okay, here it is.
206
00:14:47,530 --> 00:14:48,630
shot in the ass with the arrow.
207
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:42,420
to shoot a turkey and... and a turkey
shot you.
208
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,960
Oh, my God. This year I have so much to
be thankful for.
209
00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:53,020
Go ahead. Laugh at my pain. Very funny.
210
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,600
Why do I have to sit here and watch you
laugh?
211
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,160
Why? Because you have a boo -boo on your
tushy.
212
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:03,300
Come on, Dana. That's enough.
213
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:07,110
Jim's hurting. Let's not make... Make
him the butt of our jokes.
214
00:16:10,150 --> 00:16:13,070
Just the kind of lowbrow humor I'd
expect from you guys.
215
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,580
I'm making six potato dishes for
tomorrow night. One of them is almost
216
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:39,580
mayonnaise.
217
00:16:41,180 --> 00:16:43,920
Cheryl, mayonnaise is not going to fix
it this time.
218
00:16:44,620 --> 00:16:48,880
I know the turkey thing didn't turn out
the way you wanted, but we're still
219
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:49,880
going to have a great Thanksgiving.
220
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,960
You know, Andy picked out a really nice
burger.
221
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,360
Look at you, the fearless hunter of the
woods.
222
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:40,780
How's your ass, Pally?
223
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:50,680
From now on, loser, get your turkeys at
the store like the rest of the
224
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:51,680
housewives.
225
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:59,420
Meanwhile, I'll still be strutting
around those woods waiting for a real
226
00:17:59,420 --> 00:18:00,420
shoot me.
227
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,340
Ow, my neck.
228
00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:07,250
I know what you are.
229
00:18:07,730 --> 00:18:11,090
You're nothing but a gas station hot dog
mixed with pain medication.
230
00:18:12,730 --> 00:18:13,730
What?
231
00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:15,890
Nothing.
232
00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:17,450
Andy!
233
00:18:18,490 --> 00:18:21,070
Get your coat and that stupid hat and
we're going hunting!
234
00:18:22,590 --> 00:18:23,590
I hate you!
235
00:18:25,150 --> 00:18:26,730
We already have a turkey.
236
00:18:26,970 --> 00:18:31,670
Yes! We got a store -bought turkey. And
you know who buys store -bought turkeys?
237
00:18:36,659 --> 00:18:38,100
Losers! Losers and failures!
238
00:18:38,780 --> 00:18:40,380
You're not a loser or a failure.
239
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:45,720
You're a good man, and you take great
care of us. I want to be a king, man!
240
00:18:48,860 --> 00:18:51,260
Why are we doing this? I can't explain
it.
241
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,740
Mostly because it involves an
hallucination.
242
00:18:58,260 --> 00:18:59,260
Come on!
243
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:03,100
Great. He's on painkillers, and we're
going hunting.
244
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:09,560
If I don't make it back, the stuff under
my bed, I'm just storing for a friend.
245
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:16,600
Jim, I'm sorry.
246
00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:20,520
I know you want to keep going, but you
can't hunt in the dark.
247
00:19:21,260 --> 00:19:23,640
Besides, your hill people story really
creeped me out.
248
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,820
I can't believe it. I can't believe we
actually got beat by a turkey.
249
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:29,680
Jim, come on.
250
00:19:29,980 --> 00:19:32,140
It's not just any turkey. It's Angry
Pete.
251
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:35,960
You don't get your face on an oven mitt
in a gift shop unless you're a legend.
252
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,500
I know, but I really thought we could do
it.
253
00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:43,740
Turns out I'm going to be just another
modern man eating a store -bought turkey
254
00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:44,740
this Thanksgiving.
255
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:46,880
I'm going to be a caveman!
256
00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:52,340
Well, I guess Angry Pete was right.
257
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,320
What?
258
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:58,780
I don't know. He was ragging on me in
the kitchen.
259
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:06,340
Talk. me about what a loser and a
failure i am stupid turkey i hate him i
260
00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:12,860
him yeah jim why don't you pull over and
let me do the driving i'm fine no no no
261
00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:13,860
you look a little higher
262
00:20:48,110 --> 00:20:50,210
what you caught. I came out here to get
angry Pete.
263
00:20:50,610 --> 00:20:52,530
I beg angry Pete.
264
00:20:53,510 --> 00:20:55,310
Not so angry now, are you, Pete?
265
00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:56,729
I win!
266
00:20:56,730 --> 00:20:57,609
I win!
267
00:20:57,610 --> 00:20:59,390
I'm a caveman! I'm a caveman!
268
00:21:00,370 --> 00:21:05,330
Okay, can we get out of here? I'm cold
and I'm wet.
269
00:21:06,230 --> 00:21:07,550
What the hell happened to you?
270
00:21:09,370 --> 00:21:10,970
That turkey scared the hell out of me.
271
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:16,410
Let's just throw this roadkill in the
back and get out of here. No, no, no,
272
00:21:17,390 --> 00:21:18,710
I'm not losing this one.
273
00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:21,350
Pete rides up front with me.
21729
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