All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s04e07_plot_twist

Well, I think that was the first family
gathering where I didn't see Great Uncle

Ray with a drink in his hand. Well, it
was a closed casket.

I can't believe that Uncle Ray is dead.
He was so full of life.

Too full of life, Mom.

A 93 -year -old should not be playing
with a nail gun.

Especially with a drink in his other
hand.

Maggie, I'm so sorry your Uncle Ray
passed away.

I mean, it's the only reason we got to
see you, huh?

Well, on the positive side, I got a
great deal on the bereavement fair.

Oh, good for you.

Hey, if we're lucky, maybe someone will
kick around Christmas and you can come

back and see the kids.

I can't believe you.

There is nothing wrong with taking home
a funeral arrangement.

Flowers are for the living, Dana.

Well, what about the deli platter?

Salami's also for the living, Dana.

I gotta tell you, this funeral business
is a racket.

I mean, this one costs $10 ,000.

Cheryl, listen, when I die, I don't want
you to be afraid to go around and get a

good price. Don't be afraid to haggle,
and remember... I know, I know. Cell

phone in the coffin, just in case.

Well, Jim, thank heavens, when your time
comes, the arrangements will already be

taken care of.

What are you talking about, Maggie?
We've had a family plot for years.

See, you are going to be right next to
Cheryl.

Dana will be next to her husband, God
willing.

And Andy will be next to his special
friend.

Mom, I'm not gay. How many times do I
have to tell you that?

Just once on your wedding day to a
woman.

Cheryl.

Isn't it enough that I have to spend
every day eating breakfast, lunch, and

dinner with your family? Now I've got to
spend eternity with them?

You do know we're still in the room.

You're always in the room. That's my
point.

I don't want to talk about death
anymore. It's too depressing.

Can we talk about how Mom thinks Andy's
gay?

You hide one Broadway cast album under
your bed, they never let it go.

I just don't get what the big deal is. I
thought you liked my mom. I love your

mother. She's the greatest, but this is
not about her.

This is about our family.

This is about why shouldn't we have a
family plot?

Look, I don't want to be a branch in
someone else's tree.

I want to be the trunk.

Jim, have you seen yourself? You're
almost all trunk. No.

Honey, it's the family plot. I mean, I
just always assumed it would all be

buried there together.

It's really important to my mom.
Important to your mom?

Honey, what about me? What's important
to me, your husband?

You know, you've got to make a decision.

Are you a wife and a mother first, or
are you some lady's daughter?

Why can't I be both?

Cheryl, because you can't be with
everybody. This isn't Costa Rica where

in a big hut and eat bananas.

That is offensive to my family.

And Costa Rica.

I'm just trying to tell you that I would
choose you first over my family.

Oh, Jim, we've met your family. That's
not a strong argument.

You haven't met them all. The fun ones
are in prison.

But I would still choose you over them
any day.

Okay, okay, I see your point. We'll get
our own plot.

I just have to talk to my mom.

Yeah, you're going to talk to mom.

Yeah? Why?

You're scared of her. It's okay, we all
are.

I'm thinking about going gay just so I
don't disappoint her.

I can stand up to Mom whenever I want. I
just choose my battles.

Well, choose this one.

I will. I will. I'm going to go upstairs
right now, and I'm going to tell that

woman what's what. That a girl.

Just as soon as I make her favorite
lunch.

Oh, baby.

You are such a cute boy.

He looks so much older, it's like he's a
different kid.

But Grandma loves you.

I love you too, Grandma.

Oh, my sweet boy.

Because you buy me stuff.

Oh.

Boy, kids really love their new toys.

I guess once you get boobs, you have to
buy your own gifts.

I wish you were staying here instead of
at Uncle Andy's. I know. I'll stay here

the next time.

So can we come over and do a slumber
party?

We'll do it Friday night.

Okay, I'm sorry.

But shouldn't that question be directed
to the actual homeowner?

I mean, I pay the bill. I call the
shots.

I lend you the down payment.

Extra pillows in the hall closet.

Okay, so Friday night it is. And Andy,
you know, you can sleep over here with

Jim and Kyle.

See if I show you how to turn on the
heat.

What? It's all set then.

It'll be all us girls, including Mommy
and Aunt Dana.

Cool! Are you free Friday night, Dana?
Am I free? Well, thank you, Mom, for

asking and not just assuming that I have
no life like everyone else in this

house does.

Six o 'clock? I'll come at five and help
you set up. Oh.

I need to talk to you about something.

Well, of course, honey. Come on, come
on, sit down. Come on, scoot, scoot. You

hear that, Andy?

Cheryl needs to talk to Mom.

I wonder what she needs to say so badly.

Let's watch.

Well, what I have to say is... How about
that lunch, huh?

Oh, honey, that was just a wonderful
meal.

With fresh ingredients, it would have
been perfect.

So, Cheryl, what did you want to talk to
Mom about?

Well, Dana, it's kind of private. Oh, I
get it. We should go. Yeah, yeah. Oh,

but before we do, we just want to take
this opportunity to say thank you,

Mother. Thank you for making us a part
of the burial plot.

Yeah.

You have cared for us from cradle to
grave.

And beyond.

Get out of here!

I have a feeling in a minute the gay
son's not going to look so bad.

Mom, what I want to tell you is how
happy we are that you're here. Because,

you know, it's so important to spend
time together when you're, you know,

living. Because you just never know
where you're going to end up when you're

dead.

I do. We'll all end up together in the
family burial plot. Um, interesting you

bring that up.

Do you think I don't want to be buried
in your plot? You want some lemonade? Of

course you do. I'll go get it.

What did you just say?

About the lemonade or... No, about the
plot, the family burial plot.

Wow. You are not going to let that go,
are you?

Um, well, Mom, Jim and I were thinking
about maybe, um, you know, sort of maybe

getting our own plot.

No, no.

No, we're not thinking about it. We are
doing it.

If that's okay.

Well, I suppose if that's what you want,
I certainly can respect your wishes.

Really? Yes, yes. Oh, Mom, oh, my God.

Oh, I thought you were going to lay some
sort of guilt trip on me. Oh, no.

No. Not at all. I mean, just because I
love you and raised you and suffered

through 40 hours of labor with you, you
know.

Besides, you know, it really is for the
best. I mean, I have been alone since

your father died, and I don't know if I
could really adjust to all my loved ones

being around me now anyhow.

Aw.

No, no, no!

No!

I am a wife and a mother first and a
daughter second, and Jim and I are

our own plot. End of story.

Okay, I guess you've made your decision.

Thank you.

Like when I decided to go to work so you
could go to private school.

I'm going to get you that lemonade.

Remember, I only care for the pink time.

You will get whatever we have.

Which is pink.

So this is all yours, huh?

Yep.

Nice, huh?

Yeah, if you don't think about the
decomposing bodies beneath our feet.

Can we get out of here? No.

Sit down.

Come on.

I paid this much for a burial plot. I
want to use the property as much as

possible.

Ruby and Gracie, they're going to be
married here.

So from now on, we're spending our lunch
hours in a graveyard?

Just feel the first smell.

I will say, sitting here does put things
into perspective.

Yeah, life's precious, huh?

Cheesecake?

In a minute.

I'm going to let the corndog settle
first.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's get that corn dog moving a little
bit. Come on. Come on.

Longer.

Longer. To the left.

Left. To the right. By the angel. By the
angel.

Come on. Button hawk. Button hawk.

Nice throw, Shirley.

You were running all over the place.

Oh, my God.

Jim, get over here right now.

What? Come here. Hurry. I'm hurrying.

Bronco Nagurski.

We're standing on the grave of the
greatest football player of all time.

Oh, my God.

Bronco Nagurski.

Took the Bears to two national
championships, 1932 -1933.

Unstoppable on offense, impassable on
defense.

Andy, we are standing on holy ground.

Hey, look, the pot next to it's empty.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That we steal the tombstone?

What? It looks heavy. I think we'll need
the trunk.

No, no, no. Stop it.

We're not doing that. Stop it. Stop it.

No.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Don't you see?

When I threw the ball to you.

Bronco intercepted it and dropped it
right here in front of his gravestone.

he didn't. It was a girly throw.

It's a sign, Andy.

It's a sign.

I have to be buried right here. What are
you talking about? I'm talking about

trading my space next to Cheryl for this
one right here. I'm going to be buried

right here.

Really?

Andy,

this is my field of dreams.

Yes.

This is God's reward for being a devoted
Bears fan all my life.

Jim, I don't think Cheryl's going to be
okay with this. Ah, she won't know about

it until I'm dead.

We all know I'm going way before her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you're just going
to die and leave me alone with all these

women? I said I'm going to go before
Cheryl, not before you.

Whew, thanks, buddy. That means a lot.

That gets me right there in the old
ticker.

Of course, that might be the eight corn
dogs.

Well, enough.

Yeah, go on.

That's it. A little longer.

Too far, too far.

By the stone there. All right, to the
right, to the right.

Just think.

In the years to come, this tree will
provide shade when my grandchildren come

pay their respects.

Hey, wouldn't it be dramatic if you died
in the autumn when the leaves were at

their peak?

That would be so cool.

So, which are your plots?

Well, I'm here, and Jim's here.

Oh, because that's how you sleep in bed.
I get it. Very cute. No, no. In bed,

he's on my right because it's farthest
from the window where the tree moves and

looks like a man with an ax.

So, that's Jim's plot? Yeah.

Oh.

What? Cheryl, it's only disrespectful if
he's already dead.

Come on. Try it. It's fun.

No.

Oh, for God's sake.

What? Who'd eat a cheesecake in a
cemetery?

Teasmarks in the wax paper.

Hey,

what are you doing?

I got a funeral here tomorrow.

Gotta start digging.

Oh, no.

No, that's where my husband's gonna be
buried.

Oh.

Very sorry for your loss.

So, uh, how long do you plan to wait
before you start dating?

He's not dead. There's been a mistake.

Are you sure?

When's the last time you saw him?

He's not dead.

It says here this plot was filled
yesterday when its owner traded it for a

different location.

Traded it?

Strange, huh?

Not in my world.

How about you?

You single?

You're a grave digger.

And you asked me second.

That's not really good, Ruby. Hey, just
make sure on this branch of the family

tree that you leave a lot of room under
my name for my future kids.

I thought it was Girls' Night Out. That
I'm hosting, but not invited to.

It is. Mom's taking a nap. We're going
over in a few minutes.

Yeah, we're doing a family tree,
because, you know, since the funeral,

wanted to know who they're related to.

Oh. Look.

There's Grandma Maggie and Grandpa
Gordon.

And next to Mommy, there's Aunt Dana and
Uncle Andy.

Oh, isn't that so cute?

I need to show Daddy where he is.

Mommy put you way over here, next to
Bronco Nagurski.

This can't be a coincidence.

You know something.

Okay, girls, let's get ready for your
sleepover.

Daddy's bright idea is about to hit the
fan.

If you guys fight, I want you to do it
before you come over to my place. I

want you wrecking all my new Versace
china.

Okay, I see where the gay thing's coming
from.

Of course I didn't think you would find
out. That's why I do these things.

You wanted me to stand up to my mother
so we could have our own plot, and now

you're not even going to be buried next
to me?

Cheryl, Cheryl, it was part of God's
divine plan.

You see, I threw the football, and it
dropped right in front of Bronco's

It's a sign, don't you see?

Oh, God, I'm sure it was just a girly
throw.

and mother first. What about you being a
husband and a father? I still am a

husband and a father. It just so happens
I'm being buried next to a really cool

guy.

Honey, you're gonna be first and ten
away.

I don't believe you.

Cheryl, Bronco is my hero.

You know what?

Why don't we find out where Betty
Crocker's buried, all right?

And then we'll get the slot next to her
for you.

Betty Crocker? Yeah, it's a great deal.
She's the one who made all the cakes and

sewed the first flag.

It'll be really cool for you.

We're ready for our sleepover, Mommy.

I will, too, have a lot of kids, and
they're going to be a lot cuter than

Well, Jim, I hope you're happy spending
the afterlife next to your precious

Bruno Naganki.

Cheryl, Cheryl, please wait.

It's Bronco Nagurski.

Hey, Mac.

Bronco? Yep.

Oh, Bronco.

I got a million questions for you. Hey,
is it really true that you had to take

on a real job in the offseason?

How many bullets did you break?

Hey, what's with the leather helmet?
Come on, your head must have stunk by

end of a game, right?

Hey, Jim, relax.

We got a lot of time to talk.

Yeah.

Yeah. You're right.

Oh, man.

I'm just so excited. I can't wait to
tell Cheryl I got to talk to Bronco

Nagurski.

Cheryl?

What are you talking about?

It's just you and me, buddy.

Forever.

Yeah.

Forever's a long time.

Yep. That's why they call it forever.

Yeah, I don't know. Kyle's fine. He's
with Andy.

It's me.

I can't sleep.

That's it. Tomorrow we're cutting down
that creepy tree.

It's not the tree.

What is it?

I've been thinking that maybe, perhaps,
possibly, I might have misinterpreted

that sign.

You mean the one where God told you to
screw me over? Yeah.

Yeah, that's the one.

You know, I woke up and you weren't next
to me.

And I started thinking that, I don't
know, what if you weren't next to me

forever?

We're supposed to be together.

I want to be traded back to the home
team.

There's just one problem.

What? You sold your plot, so now he's
been the eternity next to Mavis

Eldridge.

Yeah, that is a problem.

Well, what if we just sell our plots and

get your mom's family plot? Well, honey,
I've made such a big deal about it.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, no, just wait for the right time
and then bring it up.

Maggie, you're awake.

Cheryl wanted to talk to you.

Oh, what's wrong, sweetheart?

Well, Mom, we want to be buried in the
family plot with you, and that's the way

it's going to be. End of story.

All right, honey, good night.

Ha! You know she got exactly what she
wanted, but I did it on my terms.

Get in here and keep me warm. It's
freezing in this house. I know. It's

heat's not even turned on. I know.

Oh, this is sweet.

You know what? As long as I'm next to
you, I don't care who else is around.

Do you think in the afterlife you could
be a little more quiet?

Sure. Sure.

We got to switch places right away.

I got to switch places with you. There's
a mirror that acts in the window.

No, not again, honey. It's a tree.

Go to sleep.

Oh.

Like this, Uncle Andy?

That's great, buddy.

Have a party at my house and not invite
me.

Sweet dreams ladies.

I really need help.