All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s04e04_the_garage_door

How old is he now? Almost five months.
Oh, he's five months. Isn't he the

baby? Isn't he so adorable?

You know what?

I don't like those self -flushing
toilets either.

Why not?

Because I like to make the decisions.

Hey, hey, honey. You know Sheila. We
were talking about her last night.

Remember? Remember? Remember?

Of course!

Hey, Sheila. Hi, Jim.

Well, hello, Sheila.

Husband's still in the picture?

Uh, yep.

Really? Because when I walked in here
and looked at you, you seemed kind of

flirty.

I'm just saying.

Well, Sheila, Sheila, Sheila, will you
look at you? You look great.

Doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

So, when's the baby due?

Oh, look at you. It looks like it's
going to be a big one.

Oh, yes. Look at you.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

I'm trying to bond with the baby,
Cheryl.

Baby, baby, baby, doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo.

I think it's going to be twins.

Actually, Jim, I already had the baby.

Five months ago.

Are you

sure?

I thought I felt a kick.

Oh, you will later.

was Sheila, wait, baby. So when I saw
her, I figured, Sheila's waiting for her

baby.

In Jim's defense, she could use a few
more crunches.

Do you have mirrors in your house?

Yes, I do.

Because I'm a player and I got to know
how fly I look.

every sports statistic in history. But
you can't remember one simple thing I

told you last night. Because men are
programmed to remember certain stuff and

not remember other stuff. Come on,
Cheryl. It's just simple biology.

Where'd you read that? The New England
Journal of Stupid Excuses?

Just admit you weren't listening to me.
I was listening, Cheryl. I just didn't

take it in. Like I don't when you go
yammering on about, you know, I don't

drapes and hairdressing or Dana.

All I hear is this kind of whooshing
sound.

You know, like when you're at the beach
and you put a shell up to your ear?

Okay, you know, if it's biology, how
come Andy hears me when I talk about

stuff? Actually, I don't.

I just smile and nod, but all I hear is
this hellish buzzing.

I really wish I had the beach thing.
Yeah.

Well, when I was your age, I had the
buzzing, but the beach thing is coming.

That is a load.

You made a conscious decision not to
listen. Cheryl, the male brain is wired

for, like, sports stats and technical
stuff, and the female brain is wired to

take in feelings and recipes and
fashion.

You know, Cheryl, he's right. Like,
today when I met with the CEO of the

Unity Bank of Chicago, all I could think
was, my belt matches, my shoes are

ready.

Joe, think about it, will you?

Okay, for example, how many times have I
told you how to reset the garage door

when the circuit breaker trips? Well...
Or how to program your own cell phone?

Or let us not forget about the very
super complicated fire extinguisher.

I saved your life that day.

You set that fire that day.

Hey, you said get rid of the old tires.
You did not say how.

Cheryl, it's not your fault that you
can't hear me. It's just like I can't

you when you yam around about some fat
-brawner postpartum depression.

Okay, now I understand about the hellish
buzzing sound.

Not because you were going to buy
something really expensive at Sheila's

dinner.

Sorry. All I heard was whoosh.

But it's okay. I can get in through the
front because Jim keeps the spare key in

a secret spot.

Under the mat?

Yes.

Whoa. What was that?

Oh, nothing. The circuit just flew. Oh,
no.

No, no, no. It's fine. I just have to
flip a foot.

See?

Okay, still not moving. I think it's
supposed to be moving.

That's the problem. It's not moving.
Thank you, Dana.

Like Jim showed me.

Yeah, you just gotta, um... The buttons
are... You were there when Jim explained

it, weren't you? Yeah, but all I heard
was keypad buttons, and then that all

faded away, and I heard Donna Summer
singing MacArthur Park.

Oh, oh, I know.

And we're...

No, no, no. Mommy's going to figure it
out.

Mommy! Yeah?

I have to go pee -pee.

Mommy's going to figure it out fast.

We only have 20 minutes.

No, no, no, no.

Because Jim can't be right about men's
and women's brains.

Because if Jim is right about this,
he'll think he's right about everything.

I cannot sit there and listen to how
we're 10 years away from the Great Ape

Rebellion.

Now, come on. I need you to help me. All
right.

We can do this. Yes.

I think the secret is in these buttons.

You know, the green one's pretty, and
green means gold.

Oh, green and blue together, because
green and

blue makes teal.

I sing flowing

bang on the door and scream for help.

Help! Let us out!

We're sexy and grateful!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna starve to death!

No, we won't. We're getting Kyle.

No, I'm gonna eat you!

Nobody's gonna eat anybody.

There's enough cornflakes on the floor
of the minivan to keep us fed for a

month.

decision. Your leadership is getting us
nowhere. I'm going to bust a hole in

this door. I'm not going to destroy my
garage door.

All right, fine. Then we can just sit
here and wait for someone to discover

Like Jim.

All right, kids, stand back. Mommy's got
some kind of hammer.

Well, take your car.

Well, what about when Jim comes home
from work? He's going to see the hole.

Dana, Jim is going right to the auction
from work. So we'll come home early,

park your car in front of the hole. I'll
get it fixed tomorrow. Jim will never

know.

Wow. Living with Jim has really taught
you a lot. All bad, but a lot.

That stupid garage door. You know, this
has nothing to do with men's and women's

brains. Nobody could figure that out. No
way.

No.

No, a four -year -old boy.

I can't know how to do that. Why didn't
you tell us?

Typical man, can't communicate.

Jim can never find out we were let out
by a boy.

He's now peeing in the driveway.

Well, he really had to go.

Yeah, still going.

I can't believe I got to wear a tie to
this stupid fundraiser.

Why didn't Cheryl tell me? She did. I
was right there.

You actually heard her?

Yeah.

She was holding a cookie. Somehow it
made me focus.

Right, right. And I had already had my
cookie.

Whoa, whoa, Jim.

Check it out.

What the hell is this?

It's like someone broke into your
garage.

Who would want to break into the garage?

Apparently someone very small.

Did you get in a fight with a little
person?

Yeah, but that was years ago.

And in my defense, let's say Patrick's
day.

Like, if you're going to be that
sensitive, stay at home.

Hey, what?

Don't, don't, don't, don't touch the
panel. You want to contaminate the crime

scene? Oh, it's not like I'm not. What
we need to do, take pictures before

anything is disturbed.

Hey. Get one of me with the evidence.

Is it me, or... It smells like somebody
peed out here.

Oh, that's me.

Yeah, and it's fresh.

Criminal always has a signature, Jim,
and he's trying to tell us something.

What? What?

What? What?

Liz Tinkle.

You're... You're right.

You're in trouble.

You're in deep.

You're in safe.

Well, everything looks all right. They
didn't get the band equipment.

Hold it.

Maybe we've been asking ourselves the
wrong question all this time.

Maybe we've been off the scent from the
very beginning.

Andy, the very beginning was two minutes
ago.

I see you're going to be no help in this
investigation.

Come on, that's what they want you to
think. Well, come on, what do you want

to... Oh, hello.

Well, look at what we have here.

Sometimes the most obvious clues are the
ones that aren't even there.

What are you trying to say? Damn it,
Jim, open your eyes. Why is it open?

Someone didn't break into your garage,
man. Someone broke out of it.

Observe.

See all the particles? They're on the
outside.

But yet, the garage floor is completely
clean.

And look at this.

Your sledgehammer isn't stored in its
place with its fellow tools.

It's an inside job, man!

So let's stop playing these silly games!

Well, if somebody wanted to get out of
the garage, why don't they just open the

garage door?

Come on, son.

Put the pieces together.

Take the training wheels off.

Lose the diaper. Put on the big boy
pants.

Think.

Well, unless the garage door was broken.
It didn't work. Let's do it. And then

they would just say it. They would just
reset the system unless they couldn't.

Because they was a woman.

And they never listened to your
instructions no matter how many times

it.

Hickory dickory right.

Well, well, well.

Well, watching those cop shows paid off,
huh?

Oh, yeah.

And if I meet a lucky lady, maybe
watching the Spice Channel will pay off,

I got a lot of techniques.

I'm tired of using them on myself.

Going one.

Going twine.

200. 200.

One.

Twine.

Goal for 200.

Thank you.

What are you going to do with a sea
kayak?

Cheryl, don't you get it? Now, instead
of just being boring old Dana, I'm going

to be the intriguing girl with the
kayak.

Oh. Excuse me.

Do you kayak?

I do.

Go on.

So, so, everything cool at home?

Cool as a cucumber.

Yeah, and the kids, they got to their
sleepover okay?

No problem. It's all good.

Oh, honey.

Look at you. You remembered your time.

Well, I felt so bad about that
unfortunate incident with our good

Charlotte. Sheila. Sheila.

That I have decided that, you know what,
I'm going to focus on listening to you

because that's what you do for me. I
mean, honey, I was way off base with all

that poppycock about women and men not
hearing each other.

There you go again, Jim, with one of
your crackpot theories.

Lock this man up.

I'm telling you, when the eights take
over the planet in ten years, they're

going to keep me around just for the
laughs.

You know, it's not a problem. In honor
of tonight's charity event, I'm going to

take the high road and not rub it in.

Well, I can rub it in. I'm a low road
kind of person.

Next, we have a last -minute item from
our very good friend, Jim and Andy at

Ground Up Divine.

Tell me.

I know you donated. Tell me that. It's
so sweet. Well, I felt so bad about what

happened with Sheila. I mean, so she's
fat, right?

Why should the community center suffer?

I don't know. That's very sensitive of
you.

Hey, Sheila, do you mind if Andy and I
take this one? We could do this one,

right, Andy? Yeah.

Hey, Sheila, thank you. Hey, how about
it for Sheila here, huh?

She just had a baby last week.

That's five months ago.

That worked with me, didn't it?

All right, all right, all right. We're
going to raise some money right now,

aren't we? Are we going to raise some
money?

All right, let's get ready to build on
one of the best items this evening. It

a fantastic automatic garage door.

Yes, yes. And along with this goes a
lifetime guarantee.

So, if for some reason the door should
fail on you, You can either call me like

a normal person, or you can break out

with this nifty little emergency exit
device.

Because this is what my wife uses.

Right, Cheryl?

Honey? Can we put a light on my lovely
wife, please?

Cheryl? Can you hear me?

Because I can repeat it if you want me
to.

Carol! Dana, you've got to get me out of
here. Dana?

Dana? Like most girls right out of
college, I kayaked through Europe.

What are

you

doing? I'm tripping the whatchamacallit
so I can reset the thingamajig.

Kyle! can do it, so can I. I refuse to
be shown up by someone who's afraid of

the vacuum.

So this cool here?

My condo doesn't allow us to have pets
or giant things we'll never use.

Yeah,

whatever.

What's she doing?

We're having a lesbian pillow fight.
What else is over there?

Cheryl, please, will you just let it go?

Jim, go to bed. I'm going to figure this
out.

Honey, I love you to death. I really do.
But you know what? You're never going

to figure it out.

Well, maybe you shine a spotlight on me.

Jim, it's in my brain. I just need to
access it. Cheryl, Cheryl, listen to me.

You're not going to be able to access
it.

Actually, if I give you the instructions
right now, you still won't be able to

open it.

I'll give you the instructions right
now.

All right.

Press the reset button down for three
seconds.

Press pound, six, star, pound.

Then press the garage door button.

And then it'll open.

All right, let me ask you this. When I
was giving you the instructions, what

were you hearing?

Be honest.

Something about a pound cake.

Aha! Damn it!

Damn it!

Well, that works, too.

It's so depressing.

What?

Cheryl, come on. What's the big deal?

Men hear things differently than women
hear things.

Why do you have to make it into a
negative?

Half the time I'm talking to you, you're
hearing the ocean.

How is that a positive?

There is so much crap that goes on
during the day, it's impossible for one

person to take that all in.

That's why you and I are good for each
other.

So, that's your big advertisement for
marriage?

Get married so someone will catch all
the crap you miss?

Yeah, that and, uh...

The sex part, too.

All right.

I guess it's not so bad that we're
different.

No. I'll tell you this, though. I'm
happy I'm the woman.

I really am because, you know, as a
woman, I rely on my inner resources, my

inner beauty, my inner strength.