All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s04e01_a_hole_in_one

Hey, baby. Hey, how was Tony's birthday
party?

Well, it was a lot better than last
year. The stripper had all her teeth and

one got arrested.

That's nice.

Hey, did you know that estrogen
increases blood flow to the uterus,

helping the lining to thicken and
expand?

Honey, if this is your idea of foreplay,
it's very technical.

But I can work with it.

What? You had cigars and beer.

Oh, and Polish sausage with kraut.

So what?

You smell like books.

Dave, didn't you know we're trying to
get pregnant?

I remember what the doctor said about
trying to raise your sperm count. No

drinking, no smoking. I know, but, you
know, it's not every day Tony turns 47.

Come on, it was a once -in -a -lifetime
thing. Yeah? What about last week when

you came home from work smelling like
cigars? I thought that was a once -in -a

-lifetime thing.

Carol. A guy on my crew had a baby. It
was either smoke the cigar or buy him a

present.

Okay, okay. What about the hot tub?

I don't know.

I'm not in the mood, frankly. I don't
like your tone.

No! You're sitting in there every night
cooking your swimmers.

Jared, look at me.

Do I have wings?

I'm not a saint.

I'm not perfect.

I have flaws.

Are you waiting for me to disagree?

Would it kill you?

Honey, I know it's not easy, but if
we're going to have another baby, you're

going to have to give up some of the
things you like.

I thought we were in agreement. I
thought you were going to commit to

All right, fine.

No more smoking, no more drinking, no
more hot tubbing, no more fun whatsoever

of any kind.

Oh, honey, we can still have fun.

Come on.

Come on.

No, after you brush your teeth and take
a shower. Fine.

But just remember, if it wasn't for
liquor, we wouldn't have two of the

kids.

Hey, you know what?

You carry your own golf clubs and you
walk.

Golf is almost like exercise.

Hey, Jim, you want a beer?

Nah,

thanks. What?

Yeah, Jim's on a big health kick.

He can't have a beer because... Because
if I drink, I may accidentally wrap this

clover on your neck.

Oh, right.

Comes the word.

Hey,

Jim, you're up. Make it quick. My wife's
having surgery in 30 minutes.

It's elective.

Good luck, Pally.

I'm having a good day. I'm having a good
day.

Sweet. Man, look at her go.

Hey,

that's on the green.

It's still going.

Well, let me see.

You didn't. No. You didn't. No. You
didn't.

My little baby!

Do you want my autograph?

Actually, no. My manager sent me in here
to tell you to put your trunks back on.

Well,

that ship has sailed, my friend.

People, we are in the presence of
greatness.

Yes, sir. I feel honored to soak in your
filth.

way too hard last night.

My head feels like you sat on it.

Oh, like you sitting on my head would be
such a sweet summer breeze.

Hey, girls. Have fun at school.

Daddy, I don't want to go to school. I
want to stay home.

Yeah, we want to play all day like
Mommy.

Hey!

Mommy does not stay at home and play all
day.

Sometimes she goes to the mall.

Come here, girls. Give me a kiss.

Andy, would you do me a favor and put
the kids in the car? I'll be right out.

problem. Hey, buddy.

So, what are you going to do all day,
little guy?

Eat ice cream and take a nap.

Oh, man, you are living the dream.

Here's your sample cup.

For the lab. It's the second Monday of
the month.

All right.

Sample cup.

Finally? Yeah, I know.

So just, you know, do your thing, drop
it off at the lab, and I'll get the

results this afternoon.

Honey, I feel so good about this. I
mean, you've been so good these past

weeks, and the doctor said if you stayed
away from all that bad stuff... Which I

did.

Which you did, that your count should
really be up this time.

Cheryl, does it have to be today?

I feel a little bloated and... I just
don't find myself very attractive right

now.

Are you nuts?

You are beautiful.

In fact, have you lost weight?

Really? Fill the cup.

Cheryl, I don't know. I mean, I'm not a
machine. I can't just perform at the

drop of a hat.

garage and stare at that tramp on your
tool calendar.

That tramp has a name, Cheryl.

Name is Misty.

Well, try not to call out my name when
you're with her. Even tramps hate that.

Trap.

Okay, kids are in the car. Any other
demeaning job I can do for you?

Think about that girl on that tool
calendar in the garage.

Misty?

Oh, she's fantastic.

I don't know, something about a gal in a
bikini holding a belt saying... She

sure could smooth my rough edges.

Hey,

why don't you let her?

Why don't you go in the garage and let
your mind wander a little? little bit

let nature take its course.

What the hell are you saying?

I'm saying, you know, life is short.

Treat yourself.

Have a little fun.

You want me to go in your garage and...
Yeah, you know, badger the witness a

little.

What's this? Oh, yeah, and, you know,
while you're doing it, maybe you can put

it in this little cup for me.

It's for the fertility doctor.

Oh, God, that's sick. No way. You know,
after all that partying we did

yesterday, I'm afraid my count's going
to be really low. I need your help here.

Okay, Jim, you're my brother -in -law
and my friend, but I'm going to tell you

the same thing I told Mike Franks in
ninth grade. Do your own homework. No,

no, no, no, no.

Come on, come on, Andy.

Listen, I just need a little time for my
body to recover. I'd do it for you.

The fact that you're even offering
raises a lot of red flags.

Andy, look, I could easily go down to
the bus depot and get a runaway to do it

for a sandwich.

But no, I want to honor you, my best
friend, with this opportunity.

Jim, I'm not saying I'm not flattered.

I'm just completely weirded out.

Bottom line, you give it to me or I take
it.

Go ahead.

All right, you called my bluff.

All right, what's it going to take?

Let me think here.

Getting Cheryl's nightgown run down to
the post office.

Absolutely not.

Well, then, great. Let's go to work.
Wait, wait, wait.

To the end of the block.

Around the block.

with lipstick.

Lip balm.

Tinted gloss.

Deal.

You, uh, you may want to leave the
house. I'm a bit of a screamer.

I'm not seeing any wives, any kids. He
skis, and he's cute.

I can't believe you ditched work just to
cruise my fertility doctor. Oh, Cheryl,

I am here to give you emotional support.
Oh, appointment book.

Hey, he's free Saturday night.

Good.

Sunday brunch with Mom.

That's sweet.

In moderation.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

I'm just here supporting my sister.

Canceled a big ski trip to be here.

Oh, how I love to ski.

Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski.

Anyway, Dr. Murphy, I brought you some
more cookies.

Cheryl, that is very sweet. I think I
told you the cookies will not affect the

results of Jim's tests.

I know you have to say that.

Just see what you can do.

All right, well, I do have the results
from the sample that Jim dropped off

earlier. I put some extra chips in
there, so... Okay, go ahead.

Okay, well, uh, Jim's count is off the
charts.

Oh! You see?

You see?

That's because he's been following your
regimen.

It's so far off the charts, in fact,
that I was concerned, so I had the lab

some extra tests.

Hand, hand.

Go ahead, Cheryl. Squeeze as hard as you
want. It's not going to hurt because

there's no wedding ring.

Cheryl, there's no good way to say this.

What? Is it possible that you and Jim
are somehow related?

Well, what I mean is, do you and Jim
share a parent?

Or two?

What? No, no.

No, of course. Jim and I are not
related.

Well, according to these test results,
you and Jim share 50 % of the same DNA.

Which would make your brother and
sister.

Yeah, because then Jim and I would be
related, and I cannot allow that.

Bad enough I have to cop to Andy. Oh.

Andy's our brother. Our only brother.

Is it possible that somehow I tested his
sample instead of your husband's?

Jim, anything's possible.

No, no, no.

That's insane.

Why would Jim have Andy's... sample?

Won't Andy be giving out samples?

What the hell did those two do all day?

Come on. I got the chicken wings.

Oh, yeah, right.

So, uh, how's tomorrow look for you? For
what? You know, getting Cheryl's

nightgown and running around the block?

Oh, yeah.

That's not happening.

You just learned your first lesson in
the sex trade. Get paid up front.

Andy, I do want to thank you. Oh, it was
my pleasure.

Really? Yeah, okay.

Hey! Oh, hey! How are you?

How you doing? How did it go?

It went great.

Your count is through the roof.

Thank you, Andy, for helping me with
all... that clean living and stuff.

Thank you. I mean, your sacrifice has
really paid off. Oh, it's true. Dr.

even used the phrase super sperm.

I'm getting myself a vanity plate.

I mean, how great for Jim, whose seat is
so unbelievably hot.

And do you want to hear the best news?
What could be better than hearing that

someone in this family is intensely
fertile?

Because your count was so high and I'm
in my ovulation window, they went ahead

and artificially inseminated me.

this one looks like our side of the
family.

So do I. So do I. You know, if it's a
boy, I want to name him Andy.

Cheryl,

Cheryl, Cheryl, you know what? I wish
you would have checked with me.

Well, I wanted to surprise you. Oh, he
looks surprised to me, Cheryl. You're

surprised, right?

work is done. No, this is not good.
Actually, this is bad. This is actually

kind of Bible bad in the Bible.

I think I've gone too far this time.

baby just to teach you a lesson okay so
there was no

insemination whatsoever right here's a
sentence i never thought i'd have to say

i am not having my brother's baby sis i
just

want you to know if it had been true i
would have done the right thing by you

Let's go get dinner. Oh, what a day.

I thought I sired my own nephew. I threw
up on the porch. And I love myself on

Jim's riding mower.

Where have you not loved yourself?

All right, Cheryl.

I forgive you.

What? Well, you almost gave me a heart
attack there.

You cheated on a fertility test.

Come on, you act like I'm the only guy
in the world who's ever done that.

What is going on in that knot that keeps
your spine from falling apart?

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

When I went golfing yesterday, I hit a
hole in one, all right? It's a once -in

-a -lifetime thing, baby. I mean, come
on. I had to celebrate any guy.

would have celebrated.

Any guy is not trying to have a baby
with me.

Cheryl. Jim.

Jim.

Are you serious about having another
baby?

What?

Of course I am.

Then why do you keep doing things that
might keep it from happening?

I'm not. You are. You're sabotaging, and
I want to know why.

Oh, come on.

Okay, let's analyze Jim now. What would
Dr.

Phil say?

It seems like your father didn't hug you
enough. That's why you love cigars!

But if I were, that would be it.

Are you worried that you might do
everything right and your count will

low?

Well... Do you think that, like, as a
man, it's your job to get me pregnant?

What if I don't get pregnant, huh?

Honey. What?

Honey. If I don't get pregnant, then I
still have you and the three beautiful

kids that you have already given me.

Honey.

Come on, another baby. It's just like a
bonus.

Really?

Really, really?

I'm going to show you the best.

Oh, honey.

I don't know how I found you.

You know what the worst part is?

I didn't get to tell you about my hole
-in -one.

So...

You think that's the worst part?

No.

So you're really ovulating?

Yeah.

And it's my own egg.

Show off. I know.

Hey, you want to go upstairs?

Sure. Yeah? Yeah.

Hey, you want to put on a bikini and
hold a belt changer?

And before I play a bikini...