All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s03e29_a_vast_difference

How much longer?

You just asked me that ten seconds ago.

How about now?

Jim, it's a pregnancy test, not a
meatloaf.

Great. Now I'm hungry, too.

So what if it's positive?

Well, I mean, it wouldn't be the worst
thing in the world to have another kid.

No, no, no, no. It would be great.

Come on.

You know what? I don't even care if it's
a boy or a girl.

As long as it's healthy and a boy.

How much longer?

I don't know.

And I don't care because if it is
positive... It would be great. Yeah.

Absolutely fantastic.

Can you imagine Christmas with four kids
opening presents?

I hope it's twins.

That would be twice the blessing. Yeah.

close. Okay, let's do it.

What?

What?

We just had a pregnancy scare. Don't you
think we should, you know, talk about

it? Why? We just dodged a bullet. You're
not pregnant. No 2 a .m. feedings, no

diapers. Come on, baby.

It's naked time. Come on.

Jim, if we're this happy about not
having another baby, don't you think we

should take precautions to make sure it
doesn't happen again?

Yes, I completely agree.

You do whatever it takes. I'll pick you
up at the doctor's office. Come on.

No, no.

For me, it's major surgery and a
hospital stay. For you, it's quick and

Snip, snip. Oh, ow.

Snip, snip. Yeah.

No, no. Ow, ow. No, no.

No way, snip, snip, with that. The sound
of that.

Come on. Not happening.

God doesn't like it when you...

messing around with his handiwork.

That's in the Bible.

Oh, come on. It is so.

Thou shall not commit vasectomy.

Do you really want to go through this
again?

Oh, come on, Shirley. You know why men
wear cups at sporting events?

To protect what's precious to them.

Why would I pay some guy to take a knife
to it?

Because for you, it's safer, faster.

And cheaper.

Cheaper.

Damn it!

We can be so much more spontaneous. I
mean, there's no more stopping what

doing to fumble around for birth
control.

Well, you're the one fumbling. I'm just
waiting.

Yeah, and there's nothing more romantic
than hearing you say, Cheryl, let's go!

Tick -tock!

I say it a little more romantically than
that, thank you.

Jim. What? If you do this, we can do
whatever we want, whenever you want. Oh,

come on. I've heard that song and dance
before when you wanted me to eat more

roughage. Uh -uh.

I'm not buying it. Okay.

But did I offer you wherever you want?

You're bluffing.

Am I?

You know, the new movie theater down at
the mall, they have armrests that fold

up so that a person...

Or two can lie down flat.

Sex and a movie.

But I get to pick the movie.

Oh, I don't care. We just had sex. I'll
be asleep.

Hi, Dr. Shulman.

So, y 'all prepped and ready to go?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a little weird trimming the
infield there, you know.

But after it was done, you know, it felt
quite comfortable and breezy.

Oh, you're not the first one to say
that.

You know, once you trim the shrubbery,
the tree looks bigger.

You are the first one to say that.

So, if you wouldn't mind just laying
back, put your feet up in the stirrups.

Come on, Doc. I mean, how do you at
least buy me a drink first?

Okay, I'm going to talk you through
this.

It's really a very simple procedure.

I'll begin by manipulating the scrotum
so I can locate the vas deferens, and

then I will...

Grip it firmly and inject this local
anesthetic into your testicles.

Then you're going to feel a little pinch
and I'll make the incision. Once I cut

and cauterize it, you'll be completely
sterile.

Back up, back up, back up to the needle.

Uh -uh, uh -uh, there's going to be no
cauterizing, no sterilizing, no icing

whatsoever.

Jim, just relax.

No, no, no, no, you don't understand.
What if, God forbid, something happened

my wife or she finally wises up and
leaves me?

I mean, I got a responsibility to my
second wife.

You know, and her being 25, she's going
to want to have another kid.

Jim, I met Cheryl at the consultation.

You're not doing any better. Trust me,
you're done.

Now just lay back on the table. You
know, you're having a normal reaction.

No, no, no, no, normal?

Is it normal for you to be slapped by a
shaved man in a paper dress?

Because that's what's going to happen.

Back off.

Does this for a living?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, by the way, I broke your nutcracker.

Oh, you brave, brave man.

Are you in a lot of pain?

Not really sure, but I need to take...
You know what? You can tell me about it

later.

I'm sure that wasn't fun.

No.

No, it wasn't.

You don't even realize how strong you
are. Oh, no, Cheryl, I'm not strong at

all. Yes,

you are.

I am so proud of you.

Did you know the nurse was telling me
that some men chicken out at the last

minute and run out like little girls?

But not you.

You were willing to go through this for
me.

For us.

are my hero.

Well, Cheryl, that's what heroes do.

Well, let's get you home because I'm
going to take such good care of you.

Cheryl, listen, I feel a little weak.
Can you pull the car up? Of course.

You sit right there.

Oh, oh, baby. Okay, you sit right there.

Oh, girl, so lovely, but... It's much
too beautiful to wear.

Put it on!

Do you feel better now, Daddy?

I know I do.

Okay, you girls ready?

Where are you taking them?

Cheryl asked me to take the kids out of
the house so you could heal up from that

favor you did the world.

are going to return the dress that Aunt
Dana wore last night. And if they give

me a problem, you get to throw a
tantrum.

Can we swear like last time? Only if you
want ice cream.

Dana!

Hey, sweetie. How you feeling?

Well, that foot fungus is back.

I was talking to Jim.

Get those mushroom farms off my couch.

Hey, honey.

I brought you some nachos.

Oh, something's missing.

A kiss?

Yes, that was it.

And sour cream.

Boy,

if I ever get a vasectomy, I hope my
wife treats me this well.

Look, if you ever get a wife, don't
worry about how she treats you.

I gotta hand it to you, Jim.

You got guts, man.

I'd never let anyone near Fred and
Ginger with a sharp object.

You named one of your guys after a girl?

Yeah, the pretty one.

Realize what a sacrifice you made?

All right, all right, just stop it,
okay?

Listen, if I tell you something, can you
be cool about it?

Baby, I was born cool.

I didn't get a vasectomy. Oh, my gosh!

Can you stop it?

I've got a secret.

I feel so alive.

Oh.

You stop it. Wait, whoa, no, no, wait.

You went to the doctor. You're icing
your crotch.

This is just potato chips with rocks to
weigh it down.

You want one?

I'm not eating chips out of, ooh, Cool
Ranch.

So what happened?

I don't know.

I got to tell you.

When that doctor came at me and told me
that I was going to be sterile, I just

freaked out.

I mean, I started thinking, you know,
when we're walking down the street,

are going to say, hey, there goes Cheryl
and sterile.

Hey, honey, I made your follow -up
appointment.

What? Why?

You know, at the lab, they have to make
sure the operation works and your little

swimmers aren't swimming.

It was in that brochure they gave for
the consultation.

Oh, great. You're reading the brochures
now. Yeah.

And when you're all healed up, I'll make
it worth your while.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Just feeling alive.

Andy!

Wow. I can't believe it. I didn't see
this coming, but it looks like one of

lies backfired on you.

I know, I know. We go to the lab and the
test comes back normal.

Cheryl's going to find out.

It's like I got three billion little
stool pigeons swimming around inside me.

Hold on. I got it.

Colonel Andy in the living room with the
answer.

I was watching a movie on Lifetime the
other day. What?

You watch Lifetime? Why?

Because I have no life and plenty of
time.

The same thing happened to Perry King
and Joan Van Ark.

What? Perry goes in for a vasectomy.
Four months later, Joan's knocked up.

Wow, what happened?

Well, according to Lifetime, and they
are the women's channel.

With some guys, it just doesn't take,
and their business grows back together.

Jim, you could be one of those guys.

Andy?

I just became one of those guys!

So, you keep your appointment at the
lab, and when the results come back

normal... I just tell Cheryl that it's a
sign that God didn't want me to

withhold my seed.

You think that's going to work? Oh,
yeah. I can pretty much sell her

God's attached.

What's taking so long?

Cheryl, it's a sperm count, not a
meatloaf.

That's funny.

What? It says here that, you know, this
operation isn't 100 % effective.

But it'll be fine, God willing.

Okay. Sorry to keep you, but I have your
results right here. And?

Well, everything looks good.

Your sperm count is very low.

What?

You now have a nice low sperm count.

I hurt you the first time.

What is wrong with you? This was
supposed to happen. No, no. I demand a

Give me a cup and the keys to the fun
room. Come on. Jim.

Sir, these results are highly accurate
and consistent with your vasectomy. See?

Low sperm count. Stop saying that!

Jim! What?

Why are you acting like this? This is
what we wanted. No, I can't have a low

sperm count.

You get a vasectomy, you get a low sperm
count. No, but it's impossible!

The only way it's impossible is if you
didn't get a vasectomy.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl. No, no, Jim.

When are you going to tell me the truth?
After the birth of our fourth child?

I don't think there'll be a fourth
child.

You've got a little sperm count. Okay,
now I'm going to kick your ass.

I'm so sorry to make you work me down
here. Oh, please. Jim lied to you about

getting a vasectomy.

This is going to be the mother of all
trash sessions.

I'm so angry. I don't even know what to
do about it.

Thank you.

Oh, you're cake angry. You didn't sound
cake angry on the phone.

Why do we even bother making these great
big life decisions together if you're

just going to ignore everything?

How he's milking this. It's like he's
constantly complaining about being in

from an operation he never even had.

And who has the cutest little apple
cheeks?

Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

Dana. I'm sorry.

Mickey and I agreed we don't want
another pregnancy scare.

We agreed.

It's like you just can't be trusted.

Peek -a -boo.

Peek -a -boo.

You know what I think? That you might
want to have another baby?

Where did that come from?

Cheryl, look at you. You're going crazy
for a kid you don't even know.

What are you talking about? Oh, please.

Your ovaries are ringing like church
bells.

That is not true. I know you think you
know me, but I don't want another baby.

don't want another little miracle.

Cry for anyone. Cry for me. I'm the one
who might have to babysit a fourth kid

for free someday.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm going to go talk to Jim. Okay.

Thank God I'm married to the least
reliable man in the world.

I could have a little cutie like you,
but instead I have a career.

It's fulfilling. It really is.

They had their baths.

Wow.

You did all that?

No, Andy did.

They're all over at his place.

We need to talk.

Yeah, look, let me get this out first,
okay? I want to tell you why I didn't

the vasectomy. No, no, it's not
important. No, no, no, it is really

It really is, and I want to tell you, I
mean, I was going to tell you when I got

out of the doctor's office, but you were
just so damn proud of me.

I mean, it was like you put me up on a
pedestal, and you know me.

I like being up on a pedestal.

Cheryl, I just, I don't know.

I panicked.

When that doctor came toward me, I just
started thinking that, you know, my

knees are bad.

I'm losing my hair. I got this gut.

I mean, sure, my ass turns heads, but
how long is that going to last?

I don't know. I know this may sound
stupid to you, but it's all I got left.

You know, it's what makes me a man.

And I am just not willing to give that
up.

Honey, I don't want you to give it up.

What?

I think I might want another baby.

You're serious?

Yeah, I mean, not right now, but I just
don't think I want to close that door

yet.

Didn't you hear that lab guy? That door
has been closed, locked, and sealed.

If this is something we want to do, I
mean, there are ways to raise your sperm

count.

Is this something you want to do?

Oh, Cheryl.

I mean, wow, another kid?

That would make it four.

And we already have three.

Yeah, I know, Jim. I was there.

Well, I do like you.

You're really cute.

We get along.

You do make beautiful babies.

Well, you help. Oh, come on, Cheryl.
Look at me. You're the beauty part.

I'm the batter. You're the oven.

What do you think?

I don't know.

It's just that it's the first time in
seven years we haven't had a baby in

house.

Let's do it.

I mean, you do most of the work anyway.

I mean, all I got to do is just learn
another name.

We're going to make a baby. Well, we're
going to try. It might not happen, but I

sure do like the trying part.

Want to try some of that spontaneous
loving right now?

Yes! Let's go to the movies.

Okay, no, no, no, no.

What? Let's just go to the bedroom.

What's so spontaneous about the bedroom?

We're not going to make it to the bed.

Hot, hot.

I'm going to get the camera.

No, no, no, no.

Too spontaneous.

Yeah, yeah.

Fair enough.