All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s03e20_no_crime_but_punishment

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do
you think you're going?

To the bathroom.

No, no, no, no.

I don't think so.

You live across the street now. Go use
your own.

What's the big deal?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'll tell you the big deal.

They're having a few beers.

I want to keep it open for me.

Hey, hey, okay, you go first.

I don't have to go now.

So then I'll go.

No, no, no, no.

No.

Because if you go in there and I think
about you, then I'm going to have to go.

You think about me when I'm in there?

Just go. Just go to your own house.

Try not to think about me when I'm gone.

Oh, baby.

Cheryl, get in here. I want you to see
something.

For God's sake, would you just flush it?

Not that. Come here. Look at this.

Oh, no.

Crazy Sprakes again.

Yeah. Oh,

creepy.

You know what? That is my nail polish.

God, Gracie must have taken that out of
my purse.

Yo, what the hell is this?

I have to use the bushes, but you three
are having some sort of convention in

here. Oh, come on in. Get out of here.

I don't know what to do about Gracie.

She's not listening. She's talking back,
and now she's bagging.

Tagging. Oh, right.

You know what?

I say we come down on her like an 18
-wheeler on a sleepy deer.

Right, right. It's time to get tough.

Tonight, when I tuck her in, no song.

All right. But if child services call,
you talk to them.

Cheryl, you know what? We try your
touchy -feely sensitive crap.

Jim, all the books say... Cheryl, books
are for idiots.

Your way is not working.

Well, it works on Ruby.

Well, she's the good kid.

You know, one time she apologized to me
for it being cloudy.

Miss Gracie, you know, she's like me.

She's different.

There's a darkness there.

Can I be honest? If she weren't your
kid, I wouldn't speak to her. Well...

I say we take the gloves off.

She's not going to get that Game Boy she
wanted.

We make her clean the boogers off the
mirror by herself.

And just to stick the knife in and twist
it a little bit more while she's

cleaning it off, I'll eat cookies in
front of her.

No, Jim.

We'll eat cookies in front of her.

Yes.

What do you think, Cheryl?

All right. All right. We'll try it.
We've got to nip this thing in the bud.

know, I want to be PTA president one
day, and this is just the kind of stuff

they dig up.

All right. You get the nail polish
remover, and I'll get the cookies.

Oh, we're out of both.

Seriously, what do you do all day?

Oh, can we go to the car wash?

No, no, young lady. No fun for you
today.

You are still in booger trouble.

Daddy, I said I wouldn't do it again.

Yeah, well, that's what you said the
last time. And there's a new sheriff in

town. Oh, does he have a horse?

I like horses.

Horses? and dolphins.

Can I go see the magazine?

Yes, yes, yes. But don't look at the
pictures. It'll give you an eating

disorder.

All right, nail polish, nail polish.
Let's see.

Nail polish remover.

What's with all the different colors?

I'm guessing orange takes off orange,
purple takes off purple.

Add it to the list of things I don't get
about women.

This.

vegetarian sandwiches, and crying when
they're happy.

Oh, my God.

You see what I see?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it
right there. Honey, you put that back

right now. Put it back.

No, it's mine.

The lady gave it to me. What lady gave
it to you?

The pink balloon lady.

The pink... Balloon lady?

Let me guess, sweetie. She bounces
around from pharmacy to pharmacy handing

crunchy chunks.

No, no, not another word, young lady.
You are in real trouble now.

Give me that. Come on, spit it out in my
hand.

All right, come on.

You see, Andy, this is how a man raises
children.

Strong, firm, and unwavering.

What do you do with the gunk in your
hand?

I don't know. Cheryl usually has a wipe.

Vegetarian sandwiches are so good.

I know. I'm so happy I could cry.

Oh,

no. Don't worry about it. I took care of
it. She's grounded for a month.

What did she steal?

Candy from the pharmacy.

Yeah, and get this.

She tells me that yesterday some woman
with a pink balloon gave it to her.

The pink balloon lady? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How dumb does she think I am?

Dumb enough not to know that your kids
get their hair cut at a place called the

pink balloon?

yesterday and where they give out free
candy crunchy

chunks crap

what kind of kid doesn't need a candy
bar as soon as they get it

all right well i guess we really screwed
up this

time

All right, let's not beat ourselves up.
You're right.

The grounding will just be a punishment
for all the things that she's gotten

away with.

Like, uh, like breaking the lamp on the
end table.

No, that was you proving you can still
jump over the couch.

All right, well, how about the gum in
the shower head?

Still you trying to create massage
action.

Am I in trial here? I didn't steal any
candy.

You did it, Gracie.

I want you to try to tell you the truth.
You didn't believe her.

You're right.

All right.

I'll talk to her. Good.

But you're coming with me. It was your
idea.

What was my idea?

Having a family. I was happy with the
two of us. Come on.

Hey, girls.

Hey.

Hey, Rube, Mommy and Daddy need to speak
to Gracie alone.

Okay.

Here's my crunchy chunk, Daddy. I don't
want to get in trouble.

Anybody in this house eat a candy bar
when they get it?

Come on.

Hey.

Hey, Gracie.

Grapes.

Gracie gumdrops.

All right, I'll give you two bucks and
talk to me.

this crunchy chunk situation.

I got some bad intelligence.

So, uh, this grounding thing is, uh,
it's off. It's over. It's done.

I'm sorry.

And your mother's sorry.

Uh, me too.

So, what do you say?

Technically, the money was for talking,
not for an apology.

Well, aren't we lucky you were here to
catch that?

Gracie, sweetie, everybody, including
parents, make mistakes.

Now, Daddy made a mistake, and he's
admitting it.

But he didn't believe me. That hurt my
feelings.

Your mother said I was sorry.

and you're $2 richer.

You know, I think that's a pretty good
day for a little girl like you.

And next time, Mommy and Daddy will
believe you. We promise.

What do you say?

Oh. Oh. Thank you.

Does that mean I get a Game Boy now?

Well, I don't see why not. Easy.

You don't want to give the keys to the
kingdom away.

Right, right. No Game Boy. You know, you
still wrote on that mirror.

That's right.

Although, you know, on the upside, you
did spell boogers right this time.

Okay, halftime.

What do you say we watch the second half
at my place? Nah.

Why not? It's just across the street.

I know what's going to happen.

I'm going to toss back a few beers.

I'm going to have to go to the bathroom.
I'm going to ask you if I can use your

bathroom. You're going to say no, and
I'm going to come back here.

Oh, my God, Jim. I can't believe how
petty you think I am.

Hey, girls. How was the park?

I went all the way across the monkey
bars and back.

Oh, good for you.

Yeah, and I tried to read a book while
she yelled, watch me, watch me, watch

watch me, watch me.

Oh, wow.

You guys broke down and bought Gracie a
Game Boy, huh? First game, call it.

I didn't get her that.

Neither did I.

Did you see something at the park?

Hey, unless I hear crying or stranger
danger, I don't look up.

Cheryl, she stole it. Oh.

No, she stole that Game Boy.

Gracie, get down here.

Calm down, Jim.

You're getting that vein thing in your
neck like that time I smiled at the

valet.

Cheryl, she wanted a video game. We told
her she couldn't have a video game, and

she comes home with a video game.

I did the same exact thing when I was a
kid, except for it was a Batman

lunchbox, and later on it was a Camaro.

Watch out for the gremlins. Use the
magic sword. Way to go, Andy.

Let me handle this. All right.

Be strong. Okay.

Be a rock. Okay.

Hey, sweetie.

Can you tell Mommy and Daddy where you
got that?

At the park.

Really? From who?

My friend Annie.

Okay. Not okay.

Not okay at all.

You call that being a rock?

Well, I'm a nice rock.

I don't know any Annie.

You don't know any of my friends.

That is not true.

There's glasses and overbite.

And the one with the hot mom.

Hey, if you can throw yourself out of L
.A., I can notice a nice tight pair of

yoga pants.

What's your last name? I don't know,
honey. I see her in carpool. I smile at

once in a while.

Really, that's it. No.

What's Annie's last name?

Annie.

Where's she from?

Jupiter?

Jupiter. Wow. Well, let me ask you. Is
she adjusting to the gravity all right?

Oh. You believe me, don't you, Mommy?
You promised me you would.

That's right.

Mommy promised, so we have to believe
you.

We'll believe you next time, honey. We
promise.

How could you say that to her?

I was trying to be a good parent. They
were bringing her total to one. Come on.

Excuse me for trusting my own kid.

Honey, everybody knows that the road to
hell is paved with trust.

You know, I'm going to write my own
parenting book one day.

Guilty. End of story.

at the park.

What kind of story is that?

Are you sure you didn't see anything?

How many times do I have to tell you I
don't pay attention?

All right, that's it. No more taking the
kids to the park.

Oh, no, not that.

Anything but that.

All right, Jim, you know what? We have
to be 100 % sure she did it. Because if

we punish her and it turns out she's
innocent, we're going to lose any shred

of... credibility we have left as
parents.

She's right.

You need hard evidence.

You need a clean collar.

How?

She's not gonna talk.

Oh, not Gracie.

But I think there may be a little bird
in this family who may be willing to

sing.

Ruby? I -22.

She won't even know we're grilling her.

She'll just think she's having a little
ice cream with her friendly aunt and

uncle. I like it.

We can play good cop, fat cop.

So, can I put some more sprinkles on
there for you, Ruth?

There you go.

Ooh, and chocolate syrup, too. Not so
fast, Angel.

So, last night... Couldn't help notice
you hid your peas under your mashed

potatoes. I was hiding them from you.
You steal food.

Annie, Annie, Annie, he's up, he's up.

She's just a kid.

Sorry about that, Rube.

Look, you tell us what we want to know
and I make that whole pea thing go away.

Do you tap dance, too? Because I'm
really enjoying this show.

Now, where did Gracie get the video
game?

Her friend Annie at the park.

Okay, so there is an Annie. Now, have
you met her?

No, I was on the monkey bars. Right.

Monkey bars.

Yes. You know what I don't like about
that story?

Every...

because it's good for her. So help me to
help you and tell us what you know.

Well... Yeah.

I know that nine times nine is 99.

What happened?

Kid won't crack. She's made of stone.
Stone, I tell ya.

Oh, and she needs help with her math.

What are we gonna do about Gracie? The
only thing a responsible parent can do.

Set her up and entrap her.

Hey, Gracie, come here.

So, is your friend Annie here?

Yeah. Well, where is she?

I don't know. Around.

Around, huh?

Mm -hmm.

Hmm. Oh, wait, Gracie, come here.

Here is...

A cupcake.

Your mom wants you to give it to Annie
to thank her for the Game Boy.

Okay. Okay.

Look at that.

The trap is set.

All right.

If she eats a cupcake, we know there is
no Annie, she's lying, and we win.

That doesn't mean we win.

It means her daughter is a liar and a
thief.

Why is the glass always half empty with
you?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

There is a darkness there.

Don't blame yourself, Cheryl.

It's my sick, twisted genes.

Hang on. Maybe that's Annie.

Come on. She ate the cupcake. She's
lying.

Just give her the benefit of the doubt.
That is why we're spying on her.

All right, I'm going to go.

What are you doing?

I've got a plan.

Don't let her see you.

Well, that's kind of the cornerstone of
the plan show.

But thanks.

Hey there.

Can I help you?

No, I'm just spying.

Oh, no, no. Not on everyone. Just that
one little girl.

Come on.

Safety inspector here.

Got some complaints.

That's a yogurt card.

do this.

That was Annie.

But Gracie ate the cupcake.

She's only human.

And she didn't steal the Game Boy.

So after all this, Gracie's innocent
again.

Yeah. Her alibi is as tight as this
tunnel around my ass.

I hate myself.

Man, are you guys bad parents.

Yes, I am. Can you give me a hand?

Yeah, yeah.