All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s03e16_the_best_man

It's the last time we let the girls pick
the restaurant. No, the food was

greasy. The service was terrible.

Hey, if you can find another place where
seven people can eat for $130, be my

guest.

All I know, the maze on the back of the
placemat was impossible.

Show off.

Danny Lorraine!

Why, you scared the hell out of us.
Good.

Sometimes that's the only way to teach a
lesson.

This house is so easy to break into. You
might as well put up a sign.

Murder us in our beds.

Hi, kids.

Hi, little Danny.

Did you bring us anything?

I sure did.

Crime scene tape.

Secure your bedroom.

Danny, you spoil them all.

You know, they still play with those
evidence bags.

So, people, consider the following
items.

Item number one, you need protective
vanadium bars on all of these windows.

Item number two, you need to replace all
the batteries in these smoke detectors.

Item three, we ate the banana bread in
the fridge.

And we're getting married.

Oh, my God, you ate the banana bread?

Congratulations! I can't believe it.

She's getting married before me? Last
year, we all thought she was gay.

he everything?

How did he propose?

Was it romantic?

You bet.

Well, we were at the gun range.

And Officer Michalski emptied an entire
clip of .38 caliber wad cutters across

the torso of a paper target.

When I reeled it back in, it spelled out
marry me. I

know it's kind of cliche.

But I was in the mood and I had my speed
loader.

This is great. We got to celebrate.

Oh, wait.

There's no banana bread.

Kim. Yes.

I will be needing a best man.

Danny, you did it for me. I would be
honored to do it for you. Thank you.

Andy, go to garage to get the good
champagne.

Yes, sir.

Oh, cans or bottles?

Steward's choice.

None for us. We're on duty, but I'll get
some glasses. Let me show you the

glasses. I'm so happy for you. Lorraine,
have you picked out a dress yet?

No. Oh, I love shopping for dresses.

Have you gone cake tasting?

Negative. Oh, that is a fun day.

How about flowers?

I love flowers. I love it all. I love it
a lot.

Don't make her beg, Lorraine.

Oh, Cheryl, will you?

Yes, yes.

First thing we need to do is set a date.
A year is customary, but we could

probably do it in six months. It's this
Saturday at noon.

What? What?

A week?

Okay. Oh.

Oh, please.

Okay. Okay. Oh.

You know what? I can do this.

I've been planning Dana's wedding for
years. I'll just use the stuff I saved

her.

But that's my wedding stuff. You can't
give her my wedding. What are we going

do when I get married?

Well, we'll just jump into our flying
cars and celebrate the Cubs World

Danny, what's the rush?

We're cops.

We live every moment as if it's our last
when we make split -second life -or

-death decisions.

Plus, we got a great deal on the
Cabernet room with Hotel Whitsitt.

Whitsitt? Man, that is expensive.

Not when you raid an illegal cockfight
and find young Master Whitsitt going out

the back door with a dead chicken.

It was a toothed time.

It was a toothed time.

Not bad, boys, not bad.

We'll do a little better at the wedding,
right?

Yeah, well, I played better with a
hangover.

Well, listen, you're going to be playing
like Jimi Hendrix that night because

for the bachelor party, I got the
ultimate limo. It's got a full bar, a

ball.

stripper pole.

Wait a minute. Hey, get this.

The limo pulls over and the limo driver,
she's the stripper.

That's class, baby.

They're still never going to top the
bachelor party Danny threw for you. I

That was unbelievable. That was it. That
was the bachelor party. Yes, that was

epic. A high watermark in Midwestern
adult male debauchery.

That was quite a night. I don't think
I'm really up for that again in my life.

What are you talking about?

Well, I was speaking with my betrothed.
Oh!

Well,

now look, you know, I mean, Lorraine
does not want me participating in

of the bachelor variety.

Lorraine said that?

And you're going to stand for that?

She's going to be my wife.

Gonna be.

On Saturday.

No, fellas.

Not this time. I don't think so.

Look, if you lay down on this one,
Lorraine is going to win every battle

here on out.

Listen, a bachelor party is a man's God
-given right. Yeah.

Like wearing the same underwear all week
long.

For example. Yeah.

I'll talk to Lorraine. I'm the best man.
Come on.

Okay, next.

The cake. Now, this one has... Fondant
icing, frosted rosebud, and basket

Very classy.

That's a little pearly, isn't it?

A bride is a girl.

I just don't get it. How are you even
qualified to get married?

A man asked me.

I'll be in the other room.

What's this about no bachelor party?

Well, I just feel that it's an
opportunity for a man to get drunk and

badly and then show up at his wedding
the next day hungover and ruin

Well, that sounds just like... Cheryl?

I didn't say he ruined everything.

Just a reception.

put me in a chair, and dance me around.
It was like a Jewish wedding.

Look, look. This is not that big a deal.
If Danny wants a bachelor party... No,

no, no, Lorraine.

A wild bachelor party is a bad idea.
Cheryl, no, no, no, no, no. You are

Cheryl. A bachelor party is a sacred
right. It's a milestone in a man's life.

Come on. It's just an excuse to get
drunk and see boobs.

No man needs an excuse to do that.

Damn it. If I might... No, no, no.

I'm working here, Danny. I'm working
here. No, no, no.

Let the man speak.

Fine, fine.

We'll let him speak, Danny. Speak.

Do you want to have a bachelor party?

Yes. Lorraine, do you want him hung over
at your wedding? No.

Danny, do you want to have fun? Yes.
With naked women?

You know, last night, someone took a
shot at me in a crack house.

I felt more comfortable then than I do
now.

We need a bachelor party.

It's a way we send off one of our own.
It's the last opportunity for brothers

get together and say, I feel like a man.

Yeah, that's what it's about.

Yes. Not alcohol or strippers. No,
absolutely not.

Oh, please.

Look, I can throw one kick -ass party
for my best friend here with no booze

no broads, and it's going to be the best
party ever.

Do not hang me like a dog.

So, how's that Harvest Bran muffin?

Quite tasty, actually. And it really
moves things along.

Can it move this party along?

That's really blows.

I'm sorry, Danny. I don't know what I
was thinking.

What are you talking about? You really
tried hard, and I appreciate that. Oh,

thank you, partner.

Thanks. Wait a minute, wait a minute,
dude. Where are you going?

I'm getting married tomorrow. I thought
I'd call it a night.

A bachelor can't call it a night. Only
the best man can.

And I'm not calling until we do
something crazy.

Are you guys with me on that?

Yeah!

But no booze and no brunch.

I got it. It can't be illegal.

Oh.

Check out the old dudes.

They must be on something.

Negative. No impaired motor skills, no
dilated pupils, no elevated breathing.

They're on a different kind of high.

The hardest one to get.

Life.

Okay, guys. It's time to do something
crazy. Something really crazy. And

crazier than...

and we're jumping into Lake Michigan.
How you feeling, Danny?

I feel like a man!

How you

feeling,

Danny? I can't feel my legs.

Tell me he's going to be all right. Just
tell me he's going to be all right.

Got to get his core body temperature
back up. Do it fast.

He's going to get married in... the
morning this was his bachelor party why

didn't you just get him loaded and take
him to the strip club thank you

oh

come on dan you gotta pull through this
for me come on you're getting married in

like 10 minutes ago is that you grandpa

them apples like you want them.

Hey, Danny, if you don't pull through
this, would it be cool if I asked

out?

Andy, what are you talking about?

I'm lonely.

I don't care if you're lonely. You don't
say that to a man in a bed like that.

Can I talk to you for a second? Doc,
come on. Talk to me straight here.

Your friend is fine. His pulse
temperature, everything is normal.

But he's moaning and shivering and
totally out of it.

As far as I can tell, he's perfectly
healthy.

But this guy has the highest blood
pressure I've ever seen in any human

Danny's not sick?

I don't get it. Yeah, I do.

This specific problem is very common
with a man at this stage in his life.

You think it's his prostate?

No.

No, he's scared. He's got cold feet.
He's totally scared of getting married.

Hello, guys. Come on. Everybody's
waiting.

Danny.

Hey. Hey. Hi, Jill.

Hi, Dan.

Hi. So, what's up?

Nothing. We're just, you know, waiting
for the groom and watching the bride

clean her pistol.

on edge. She just gave the flower girl a
time out.

She has one job!

All right, all right, all right, all
right.

Just relax, Cheryl, all right?

You know, Danny's gonna be out here in a
few minutes. He's just very particular

about the way he looks. He's just trying
to get his bow tie perfect.

Kill me! Kill me now!

I told him to wear a clip -on, but you
know.

Oh, my God.

You did it, didn't you?

You mean fall in love with you? Yes, I
did.

Jim's acting far too natural for
anything to be wrong.

You took him out last night and got
drunk. Now he's in there sick as a dog.

There was absolutely no alcohol or
nudity.

Unless, of course, you include 75 -year
-old man boobs.

What?

We went swimming last night in Lake
Michigan.

It was 20 degrees last night. Tell me
about it. My boys are still hiding

my lungs.

Jim, what are you saying? Is Danny too
sick to get married? No, he's faking it.

He's got cold feet. He's scared to
death.

Oh, this is typical.

It's just another dumb man afraid to
make a commitment. You see, this is why

still alone. It's just not fair. I'm a
size two.

You know what, Dana? Time out.

All right, Jim. What?

I've got a church full of people out
there waiting to watch them get married,

and many of them are armed.

So what do you suppose I tell them?
Well, Cheryl.

Why don't you tell them the truth?

Why don't you tell them it's your fault?

What? Yes, because I listened to you.
Because I didn't give them a normal

bachelor party. If you had a bachelor
party, then we could have got them

you could have seen a bunch of boobs,
you could have woke up in the morning,

mesmerized and hungover, weak, and I
could have got them down the aisle.

I'm just being half -gay planning this
wedding.

Okay, okay, just calm down. I'll get
them out. I'll get them out. Keep them

alive down there. Keep it going.

Oh, my... What is that on your face?

Is that wedding cake?

This is beautiful.

A large man in a tux sitting on a hotel
room bed next to a sick cop watching

porn.

Ironically, that's exactly how this
movie started.

Listen, the doctor said that we have to
turn Danny over so he doesn't get bed

sores.

Okay, Danny, we're just going to turn
you over a little bit, okay? Here we go.

Get up. I'm sick. I'm sick, I tell you.
You're not sick at all. The doctor said

you were fine. There's nothing wrong
with you. Andy, you go downstairs and

him we'll be down in ten minutes. Right.

Hey, Jim, how long do you have the room?

I sure would love to get back up here
and finish genital hospital.

Go downstairs!

All right, pal, you got me. Yeah, I got
you good.

What's going on with you?

You got a beautiful woman and an entire
SWAT team waiting down there for you.

Look, I've just been doing some
thinking. This isn't the right move for

What? I'm just contemplating what I
might be giving up.

Giving up? Like what? What are you
giving up? Well, there are other women

there, Jim.

After slinging perps around for 20
years, I'm in the best physical shape of

life. Oh, okay.

You should see some of the hotties I
pull over. I'm only human.

Okay, honestly, Danny, honestly.

Have you ever hooked up with any one of
them?

Not one.

But I know that as soon as they say I
do, I'm going to pull over a busload of

playmates in a school zone doing 55.

And where would they be going? To boob
school?

What about my nights in the town?

Danny, come on.

You barely drink. Cigarette smoke makes
you wheeze. And the only time you're up

after midnight is to take a pee.

About four times.

Maybe I'm just scared. Well, sure you're
scared, Danny. Sure you are.

Come on. Men are always scared to get
married.

It's not a natural thing for men to get
married.

It just isn't.

I mean, you know, it's the cave women
that came up with that.

Because they didn't know how to start
fires, you see.

That's the truth.

And then man created the wheel to get
away.

What a ridiculous theory.

Oh, you think so, huh?

Because that's exactly what you told me
on my wedding day to get me down the

aisle.

Of course, I had a half a bottle of
whiskey in me and it made more sense

Well, do you ever regret it?

Getting married?

No, never.

It bugs me a lot of the time, but never.

I mean, you know.

Danny, you know what? I got to tell you.

I love being married to Cheryl.

I really do. I mean, she's created a
life for me that I would have never had.

Danny, I didn't even know it existed.

And you know what?

She lets me be me.

And no one's ever done that for me.

And she is hot.

That Lorraine is one hell of a public
servant. Yes.

There you go. You're getting there.

All right. Yeah.

I'm ready.

Are you?

It's about time I start my new life with
the woman I love.

Thank you, buddy.

Ah, Danny.

You did it for me.

All right, let's do it. Okay, wait a
minute.

You sure you don't want a little
whiskey?

Let's check out that minibar.

I apologize for the delay in approaching
the altar. I encountered a possible

signal 351 on the way over.

A 351 is an escaped non -domestic
animal.

Well, that would be me.

A lone wolf with cold paws.

I'm glad you made it, Officer Michalski.

I love you, Officer Elkin Michalski.

Copy.

There's a woman over there giving me the
eye.

Be a good sister and break up with me.

All right, but this time you have to
yell, no, baby, no, you were the best

that ever happened to me.

Deal.

It's over.

Hey, baby, I was the best thing that
ever happened to you.

That's not the line.

Well, looks like they broke up again.

They'll get it right eventually.

And we have the best man up here on
stage for the toast.

Yes,

hello.

You know, I could probably dazzle you
with one of my brilliant toasts, but I'm

afraid you'll pull your guns out and
shoot it to the ceiling and then I won't

get my deposit back.

So I'd like to invite Mr. Danny
Machowski up here to sing a lovely song

new bride, Lorraine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is...