All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s03e15_dana_dates_the_reverend

Well, I hope you had a nice nap.

You know, you missed a really good
sermon.

Hey, first page of the Bible, my dear.

Day of rest.

I'll see you next Sunday.

Thank you.

Cheryl, hello.

Jim,

hey, what are you doing here? The
pancake breakfast isn't until next

well, I got a big bowling tournament
coming up, and I want to know if you'll

bless Rolling Thunder for me.

Reverend, look, you don't have to... No,
no, no, that's fine. This is all part

of the job.

You know, I've blessed hamsters, I've
blessed lottery tickets, and I don't

to get too graphic, but Mr. Anderson's
finally going to be a dad.

Ooh,

I know what this is. This is the Ebonite
280 with reactive resin shell.

Oh, yes.

Good. Do you roll, Reverend Pearson?

Oh, yeah, sure. A lonely teen need not
turn to drugs and promiscuity when

there's an empty lane available.

Hey, can you do mine too?

Okay, shall we bow our heads? Yes.

Dear Lord, we ask you to bless these
spears for your glory.

May they roll true, commensurate with
the skills of these men, your servants.

I'm in. Oh, man. Thank you very much.

You know what? If Satan shows up as a
ten -pin this week, he's in trouble.

Well, I think that's pretty unlikely,
but okay, fine, sure.

Hey, Jim, on the way home, just to be
safe, let's take these over to Temple

Israel.

You know, we should stop at the airport,
too, give those hairy Christians a

whack at them, you know?

Can't be too safe.

Reverend Pearson, will you bring our
kitty back to life?

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. No, I can't do
that. I'm not Jesus.

Who?

All right, that's it. No more coloring
in church. Go, go, go.

Dana, can I talk with you for a moment,
please? Oh, I'm sorry. I know it was

wrong, but honestly, I can color and
listen at the same time.

No, no, it's not that.

Are you free for lunch tomorrow?

Uh, yeah.

Great. Okay, it's a date then. One o
'clock at Antonio's. Terrific. Hey, kid.

Kid, that's a collection plate, not a
Frisbee.

Tina, what was that all about?

He asked you to chair the bake sale,
didn't he?

Because your brownies were so popular.

Crap. I knew nut clusters were a risk.

Shut up.

The Reverend asked me out.

Shut up!

Is what Mary said when the angel told
her she was with child.

Oh, baby.

Oh, Belsman, come on. Give me one good
reason why you can't bowl in a

tournament.

Oh, he did?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, don't you think helping me win the
bowling tournament would be a great way

of honoring your father's memory?

Hello? Hello?

We're a man short.

Beltzman's father died.

Man, why does everything bad always
happen to us? Always.

I can't believe I'm getting hit on at
church now.

I hate being beautiful.

Oh, way.

I'm Dana.

I haven't paid for a drink since 19...

It's not funny.

We have to deal with getting hit on all
the time. Yeah, I know. Just because our

family was blessed with perfect bone
structure.

Well, the women.

Aren't there any guys who actually see
me for who I am?

Look,

Dana, honey, you just got to be honest.
You got to tell Reverend Pearson that

you don't see him that way. You just
want to be friends.

Well, Dana, I got to tell you.

You know, I think the best approach is
honesty.

I mean, in my day, I would take a girl
out to dinner, and I would turn to her

and say, look, don't take it personally,
but I'm just looking for someone a

little more attractive than you are.

And if I timed it right, I got two
desserts.

Oh, jeez.

Sorry, sir. Oh, no, that's okay.

You're forgiven.

See, now I can write this whole thing
off.

See, because I'm a minister.

I think you'd find it funny if I was
wearing my collar.

Oh, hey.

Listen, sit down.

We can't do this.

It's not you.

You're a really, really great guy.

And, you know, looking around the church
on Sunday, I can see why you singled me

out.

But we have a great relationship as
friends.

And I would love to have lunch with you.
I'll even let you pay.

It's just, I want to be clear from the
very beginning that this is in no way a

date.

Okay?

Wow.

Geez. Well, this is awkward.

Yeah, I know.

No, I mean for you.

What? This isn't a date.

No, I asked you here to meet my friend
Kitson about a job at her ad agency.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

Can we just keep this between the two of
us?

No, we can't.

You believe it? She thinks I was asking
her out.

I'm entirely sure if he speaks English.

Anyway, I am so sorry. Oh, no, no. No,
that's fine. You know, I'm sure you get

hit on all the time. Yeah, I do.

I'm sure you do, too.

I heard the ladies in the choir talking
about you.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm just living the thorn birds
every day.

Oh,

here she is.

Hey, how are you?

And you must be Dana. Hi. Hi.

You know, I have expected to see wings
the way the Reverend talks about you.

really? What did he say?

I told her the truth, that you're a very
talented, very wonderful, gifted woman,

and that you're very special.

You know how sometimes when you're
talking to someone and you feel like

the most interesting person in the whole
world? Yeah.

Well, when you talk to someone, you make
them feel like they're the most

interesting person in the whole world.

And, you know, that stuff, you can't
find that on a resume.

That's so true.

Now, I'm sure you think he finds the
goodness in everybody, but let me tell

something about this one. He can be
quite catty.

Apparently, there's some guy named Jim
who doodles. Let's order.

This is very good here. Come on, let's
see what's... So, Dana, are you

interested? Yeah, I'm interested.

I'm very interested.

Deviled eggs.

That would be funny if I ordered deviled
eggs.

It wasn't a date? No, it turns out he
was just trying to get me a job.

But now, I think I like him. I mean, I
think I like him a lot.

Oh, he had wine, didn't you?

No.

No, I am just saying, this is the
kindest, most selfless thing any man...

ever done for me. It's like, now I know
what they mean when they talk about

inner beauty.

Although a few sit -ups wouldn't kill
him. Oh.

I think I might have blown it when I
told him I would never, ever go out with

him.

No, no, no, no. We can fix this.

No, look, all we need is a no -pressure
situation where we can force things to

happen naturally.

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, Belchman.

Yeah, it's Jim. I'm just checking in.

So tell me, when's the funeral?

Ah, same day as the tournament, huh?

So, what time do you think the funeral
will be wrapped up?

That's right.

Damn.

You know what? If I knew it was going to
be that hard to find a fourth bowler, I

would have made more friends.

That's it.

That's it.

Jim, you need a bowler. Dana, you need
to spend more time with Reverend

Solution, bowling double date. Oh, my
God.

Are you kidding me? I don't want to hang
out with that guy. It's bad enough I

got to see him once a year in church.

Come on, Jim.

Don't you want to see our little Dana
happy?

I

just

can't believe all the places you've done
missionary work.

So where'd you go after Africa?

That would be the Amazon.

Yeah. You know, I miss it sometimes.

Until I remember the ants that carried
off my boom box.

Hey, Pearson.

You warm up first.

The gutters need cleaning out.

Okay, I know what that is. That's called
trash talking, right? Uh -huh, yeah.

We'll write that again, Chip. Okay. Your
mama is... Is what? What's my mama?

What's my mama?

You know, I don't really know her, so
it's probably not fair for me to say.

What? Tina and Reverend Pearson are
starting to connect. Don't ruin it.

You know, here's the problem, Cheryl.
What? You don't want me to ruin things,

but you asked me to come along.

Trash talk may suck, but you are a hell
of a bowler, Pierce.

That was incredible.

Hey, do you want to go get a cup of
coffee and talk about how incredible you

are? Yeah, yeah, that's really nice,
really nice. But why don't you make a

and get enough for all of us? Go, go,
go, go, go.

Good job, man. That was really good.
That was good. What are you doing?

What do you mean? This whole evening is
supposed to be about getting Dana and

Reverend Pearson together and letting
love blossom. Yeah, but that was until I

found out what a great bowler he is. You
know, with Pearson, we actually have a

chance at the Kowalski Cup. Oh. Oh,
honey, come on.

They'd fill it full of chili.

Great. I'll load up on scented candles.

Hey,

here's some. Here's some.

Welcome to the team.

You are now a ball master.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Jim. I just can't be a
ball master. Sorry.

And he came up with the name. It was
either this or Strike Force Sexy.

That's not the problem.

It's that the Heavenly Father has
blessed me with the ability to bowl, and

would be a sin for me to use that to
vanquish another.

Hot wings and beer after the game? How
spicy?

Stop it! I'm all right. Stop.

Come on, Pearson. Pearson, look.

You know what? Dana comes to all the
games.

Yeah, so?

She's so into you, man.

Oh, really? Yeah!

Okay. Come on. Well, that's very
interesting, Jim, because at lunch

Dana made a very specific point of
saying she is not now, nor would she

interested in me.

Oh, come on. Girls are goofy that way.

Trust me. Oh, please. Trust me. She is
totally into you, man. Jim, stop it.

on. You know, guys like me don't get
women like her.

What are you talking about?

You don't remember me in school.

Do you remember my girlfriend, Annika
Shoemaker?

Not like a shoemaker. Yeah, short hair,
legs like an oak tree, no English.

That was a chick?

Jeez.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We'll make a little bet. If I can prove
to you that Dana digs you, you'll bowl

in the tournament.

Yeah, okay, prove it, Jim.

Dana, tell Pearson you got a crotch on
him.

Blossom? Blossom the same way you order
a hot dog at a ball game? What do you

know? Sit down with me and make out with
me.

So you really do?

Yes, I'm mortified at how it just came
out. No, you're mortified. I'm sweating

like a pig.

Oh my God, that's a really stupid thing
for me to say.

No, that's not stupid.

You are sweating like a pig.

Okay. Pizza?

Yeah, that's a nice start. Okay.

Oh, I just can't believe it. I know,
that is so sweet.

No, no, Annika Shoemaker was a chick.

You look so hot in this jacket I've
bought you.

You know, I would never have bought this
for myself, but I have to admit, I am

quite a dish, aren't I?

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's so nice. I'm just... I'm
so scared I'm going to wake up kissing

pillow.

Okay, honey, keep those lips on ice. I
got a little thing I got to do.

Hey, hot lips. How you doing, huh?

Doing okay.

Are you ready?

Those pins are going to go down like
Christians in the Colosseum.

All right.

Beep.

See you later.

It's good I got that one out of my
system early, huh?

him, you succubus.

Me?

Nothing.

Hey, this next one's a strike, honey.

Okay, yeah. All right.

One, two, three, four, five.

I can't believe this. Before the two of
you got together, he was a bowling

machine. Now he couldn't hit the floor
if he fell.

Are you saying this is my fault?

Yes. You made him leak.

You guys are crazy. There's nothing.
wrong with animals?

Sorry, my bad.

My bad.

Hey, hey, hey!

Guess who was first on the scene for an
overturned produce truck?

Jim? What? How could you?

You always tell me to eat more fruit.

When it's filled with chili, it is.

I had nothing to do with this. Nothing.
I didn't say anything. Nothing crossed

between me and Pearson. I said nothing,
nothing, nothing.

Yeah, you know, that denial would carry
a lot more weight if you were surrounded

by accidents seeing produce.

Thanks for ruining my life, jerk.

Oh, Pam, come on.

Look, I don't know what happened, but
you've got to fix this. Look at her.

a wreck.

I won't.

Send her a fruit basket.

Jim.

Oh, come on.

Don't look at me like that.

Okay.

I'll talk to Pearson.

But will you do me a favor?

Will you put a tape in the VCR? Because
if this accident's on the news, I'm

going to definitely be on TV.

Pearson! Pearson!

What are you doing here?

I've been looking for you.

I went down to the church and one of
your henchmen told me you were here.

They're not henchmen, Jim. They're
called deacons.

All I know is they look mean.

Look, can I ask you a question?

Did you break up with Dana because of
something I said?

No, of course not. Why would I listen to
anything you say?

Thank you.

Listen, will you do me a favor and will
you tell Dana that?

Okay? She's in the car right now.

It's okay. I left the window open. Come
on.

My God, you're one strike away from a
perfect game. You got your mojo back.

Yeah, that's right.

The pins have fallen, just like all my
hopes for finding somebody.

You're so heartbroken over this. Why did
you break up with her in the first

place? Because I was too happy.

What? She was screwing everything up.

You know, the other day I was sitting
with Mrs. Nolan, and I was listening to

her talk about her old, sick husband,
and I just kept thinking to myself, come

on, sister, move it along. I got a date
with Dana.

Well, come on, can't you help people and
be with Dana at the same time?

She's just so hot.

She's got me all nervous.

I mean, I'm not supposed to be with a
woman like that.

Come on, doesn't Cheryl have like a
pudgy sister with low self -esteem?

Kind of.

But it's handy.

Look.

Look.

Do me a favor, will you?

Will you please just go talk to Dana?

Come on, she's sitting in the car being
all crabby and... And cold.

I tried to use the heater, but you took
the keys. Yeah, well, I got a backseat

full of fruit I didn't want to spoil.

Go on.

Go on.

Talk to her.

You know, Jim, if Dana and I get back
together again, then I'll be no good for

your tournament, so I don't want to.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

Look, there's going to be lots of other
trophies. I mean, next month they got

one that's a Viking hat that they fill
with ham.

Speak with him. Just talk to him.

Hey. Hey.

Do you want to go get a cup of coffee?

Yeah.

I do.

I don't know what to say here.

The thing you have to know about me is
I'm an idiot.

That's a good start.

away from a perfect game right here
that's right

i got the ball yeah you say how do you
do it i'll tell you how hard work

discipline no shortcut to victory hey
you know if you do roll the perfect game

to put your name up on the wall and you
get free beer for a month