All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s01e15_racquetball

Okay, my little friend.

Meat sticks.

Mmm. You want some?

Come on.

Daddy loves them. Look.

Mmm.

So does Uncle Andy.

Mmm.

Mmm, these are pretty good. What else we
got?

How does strained sweet potato sound?

Like a little bit of heaven.

That's good.

This is so much easier than eating real
food.

Hey, you know what? I got some pizza in
the refrigerator.

Think we should try to put it in a
blender?

I do enjoy pizza.

You get the blender, I'll get the pizza.

We're going to need some toppings. Show
everybody.

Pizza

smoothie.

That was a dumb idea.

Everything was fine until you threw the
ham in.

Did you guys burn something?

Blender motor.

Don't ask.

So, how was the gym?

Oh, it was great.

You know, Dana and I were going to take
a spinning class, but it was full, so we

played racquetball. I haven't played in
years. What a great workout.

Did you sweat in that little curvy spot
in your back?

Yeah.

Everyone in our family does.

Well, that's over.

Hey, you know, you should start going to
the gym again. No.

Aerobics class.

We call ourselves the Aquamaniacs.

Isn't there a bunch of old people in
there?

Yeah. We lost Maude last month.

Now I'm the best.

You know what? I don't need to go to the
gym. I have my exercise tape.

That's not an exercise tape. It's a
dirty movie.

Why is it so dirty when six women just
love each other?

Even if I had gotten to modern time,
there's really nothing I could have

Hey, you know what? Why don't you play
racquetball with me tomorrow? I already

booked the court and Danny can't make
it.

Neither can I. Why not?

Well, if you must know, I've scheduled
some quality time with the children.

I mean, you know, those cars don't get
waxed by themselves.

All right.

Time with the children?

Something's going on.

Are you worried that I'm going to beat
you?

No.

You are. You're scared.

Yeah, scared of being bored for two
hours.

Oh, no, you didn't.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Cheryl.

Sports are for competing. Competing with
girls is not a sport. It's foreplay.

There's no other reason to play.

What about spending time together?

Well, that's what we're doing right now.

You are so patronizing.

Do I need to remind you that I've
already beaten you at racquetball?

Oh, wait a minute. Cheryl beat you in
racquetball? No.

No, I'm sorry. That's right. I didn't. I
didn't. I destroyed him. I mopped the

floor with him.

Cleaned his clock.

Toasted his onion.

My sweet, innocent, beautiful young
wife.

You didn't beat me.

I let you win.

Oh, there is no way you threw that game.
Why would you even do that?

For the sex.

What? Look, we were at a very important
part of our relationship.

I wasn't getting any.

I'm thinking, well, I'm going to beat
her at racquetball, make her cry, make

really sad, bum her out.

Then, for sure, I wasn't going to close
the deal.

Close the deal?

You know, make love.

No. No? There is no way you let me beat
you. No? No. You remember this?

Oh, gee, Cheryl.

Wow, that was a great game you played.

Wow, you're really strong.

powerful woman.

That's important. That's important to me
as a man.

I just want you to know that if anybody
was going to beat me, I'm sure glad it

was you.

And then the vulnerable look.

your little secret.

And you know what? Remember our fourth
date when I cooked you dinner?

I knew you didn't make those egg rolls.

Didn't even know to walk.

All right, all right. You think you're
so hot? I am hot, baby.

Then there's only one place to settle
this. In the bedroom?

A racquetball court. Ooh, you have a
better shot in the bedroom.

Can we take your car tomorrow?

Why can't I take your car? I don't mind.
That light went out of my car again. I

don't want to drive it.

Let's be good sports.

Please?

All right. All right. Thank you.

Okay, thank you. You too.

You know, I just can't wait till this is
over and I'm showering with the other

girls, soaping our bodies, and giggling.

Knock,

knock. Who's there? I kicked Jim's ass.

in the car.

next to the map of Spinster's Corner.

Guys,

I think I hear the baby crying.

But Kyle's upstairs asleep.

Oh. Then it must be Jim.

You're cute.

That's why I married you. You're cute.
But you know what?

You are a bad winner because I almost
beat you. I was this close to beating

I was leading most of the way.

It's no big deal. You've lost before.

Yeah, basketball.

I've seen you lose a lot.

Cool. Darts. Okay, all right, all right.

Look, that's way different. That's with
guys.

I mean, it's not the same thing losing
to a girl. Hey.

No, I mean it. It's true.

You know, men are bigger and stronger
than women. Men shouldn't lose to women.

mean, except for maybe in a dishwashing
contest.

Or maybe in mud wrestling or jello
wrestling. I mean, that's a good loss,

know? You know, Jim, you're making some
really valid points here. Thank you. But

all I'm hearing is wah, wah, wah.

Look, I'm no scientist.

What? No.

It is a biological fact. That's why no
woman has ever beaten a four -minute

mile. Or that's why in golf... The
ladies' tea is closer to the hole.

they call it women's tennis and not
tennis.

Oh, more so?

Frustrating. Come on. You girls have
everything.

You do. You're better looking.

You give birth.

You run companies.

You run countries. You can talk better
than us. You're smarter than us. You've

got everything. You're even killing your
own bugs now.

is we lift heavy objects in sports.

We have sports?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got sports.

You can have your synchronized swimming.

And that thing in the Olympics where
they, you know, dance around with a

on a stick.

Which, by the way, is not a sport.

What do you mean it's not a sport? Well,
call Vegas. Put a bet on it.

I wouldn't even be able to look at you
if it wasn't for the fact that you got

beat by a girl.

You got beat by a girl.

You got beat by a girl.

You got beat by a girl.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. You finally

put that pompous jerk in his place.

Just a thought, but this would be a
great time to leave him.

just a victory for the women in this
family. Dana. This is a victory for

everywhere. Dana!

What?

I cheated.

Please tell me you mean with another
man.

Hey,

guys.

Cheryl messed up. and got light beer, so
everybody should start off with two.

What are you guys watching?

You and Cheryl playing racquetball.

Where'd you get that?

From the gym.

Yeah, they tape every activity to help
improve your form. It's really helped me

with my butterfly kick.

It'd be fun to watch it and tease you in
a mean way.

Jim, you might want to think about
bumping up his thighs. You're really

punishing that lycra.

It looks like he's smuggling plums.

All right, that's enough.

Come on, we need to rehearse.

Wait a minute. What was that?

What? Let's look at that again.

This is my new favorite video.

And my wife's in it.

Hey, what's all this?

Well, just my way of showing you, you
know, how bad I feel about what I said

you.

Look, I mean, this is really hard for me
to say.

But you beat me.

Fair and square.

And I was not a good sport about it. No,
no, it's no big deal. Forget about it.

Oh, I can't forget about it. It was
unforgivable. Come on, honey. I was

definitely a lout.

Most assuredly not a gentleman.

All right. You never talk this way in
the living room.

What's going on?

Nothing. I'm just conceding.

I was hoping that maybe, you know...

If you'd like, maybe we can watch a
movie together.

I'm not watching Jack and His Excellent
Beanstalk again.

It's not that kind of movie.

All right. What kind of movie is it?

I hear it starts out as a mystery.

And then when you find out what happens,
it's kind of funny.

I hope it's romantic.

Well, that depends how sorry the girl
is.

What?

This is us playing racquetball.

Yeah. Where'd you get this?

The gym. You know, they give you this
tape so you can analyze, you know, your

game. Oh, no, no, I don't have to.
Honey, I thought you played great. In

can't even believe I won.

No, no, no, no, no. Come on, honey.

Let's watch.

Oh, here's my favorite part.

Now, notice my form, okay?

Notice how I'm not looking at you
because I'm too busy trusting you.

You know, I need to go check on Kyle.
Kyle's fine.

Oh, here's my favorite part.

Well, look at that.

There you are, catching the ball.

and throwing it as if you were hitting
it.

There you are, dancing around as if you
had won.

Again, I'm no scientist.

But as a guy who's no scientist, I'm
thinking...

And I feel really stupid about it. Now,
can we just let it go? Oh, no, no, no,

no, no, no. Hold on a second.

Every time I screw up, we have to sit
down and have one of these feelings

All right, but when you screw up, we
just want to let it go?

No, I don't want to let it go.

I want to have a feelings talk right
now.

I want to say the things to you that you
say to me.

Look at me.

What were you thinking?

I am at the end of my rope.

Are you done? I can't breathe.

I just wanted to get that in because I
didn't think I'd ever have a chance

again.

All right, we're even. Are you happy
now? No.

I won't be happy until I whip. You're
butting a regulation racquetball game

determined by a panel of independent
judges.

Forget it. I'm not playing you again.

Oh, no? Why, why, why?

Oh, I get it. You're scared.

Because you're a girl.

I am not scared.

Ooh, I'm Cheryl.

I just like to cook dinner and get
pregnant.

for you, sister.

No cheating!

Cheater!

You know,

I can't wait till this game is over.

Then I'm going to the sauna with a bunch
of sweaty guys and we're all going to

be naked.

That's just weird, Jim.

Ladies first.

Age before beauty.

Beauty before beast.

You just insulted yourself, Jim.

Or did I?

It is to me because, of course, I won.

Me.

Moi. The guy.

El Huncho.

El Coyote. El Pollo Loco.

Why do you have to be like this? Like
what?

Like you.

Really? Think about it.

There's a kind of guy out there that you
could beat at racquetball all the time.

But is that the kind of guy you would
have married?

Huh?

Oh.

No.

Thank you.

But, yeah, honey, I really don't want
you talking this way in front of the

girls. I mean, I don't want them growing
up thinking that they shouldn't try

their hardest at sports or school or for
a job.

No, I don't want that either. I want our
girls to beat everybody at everything.

Good. I just don't want girls to beat
me.

of a double standard?

No! It's a full -blown double standard.

Oh, you are a piece of work.

Of course, I knew who you were when I
first shaved you and taught you to

Uh -oh, what happened to you guys?

I won!

Darn, I really wanted to do the dance
again.

She could have won, you know, and maybe
next time she will.

But most probably the odds are in my
favor.

Or hers.

Apparently we're equal.

Probably just have a bite of each.

You know, if one of us had to win, I'm
sure glad it was you.

You know, I think you're just saying
that to get me into bed.

I'm no scientist.

Why don't we go upstairs and find out?

Yes!