All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s01e13_the_money

Hey, did you have fun playing with
Daddy?

Yes. Uh -huh. Where is he?

Sleeping in his chair.

Oh. Has Daddy been sleeping in his chair
the whole time Mommy was gone?

Why don't you girls go play upstairs for
a bit?

Okay.

Jim?

I just thought of something funny.

So, how did it go with the girls?

With the girls? We had lots of stuff.

Fun stuff, you know.

Oh, darn it. You know what? I forgot the
milk.

Honey, would you do me a favor and run
down to the store real quick?

Okay.

Thank you, honey. And you know what?

Why don't you stop by O'Malley's and
have a beer with the guys?

will. Okay, good.

I deserve it.

Oh, yes you do.

Tap.

Oh, baby.

Girl, would you please hurry up and
finish your pancakes? You've got to get

to school.

Honey, would you help me out here,
please?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, my friend, my young son, that's
for you.

Girls, forks up.

No, no, no, no, no. You are no longer
allowed to eat in the bathroom.

You got jelly on the curtains.

There was a spider in the windowsill and
I just forgot I had the donut.

Hey, sis.

Hey. You got a free minute?

Yeah, just build a time machine and go
back to 1991.

Charles, would you please grab your
coats?

Oh, Gracie, I got a joke for you. What
do you get from a brown cow?

Again, I've never seen anyone work as
much as that guy.

Oh, yeah, he's consistently our top
producer.

Oh, so big news.

You know, I've been looking to buy a
condo. I found one.

Oh, my God, that's great.

Two bedroom, two bath, parking, bidet,
the whole nine yards.

The thing is, I didn't expect to find it
so fast, and I'm a little short on the

down payment.

I thought of asking Dana. Oh, I know.
There are always strings attached.

Yeah. Yeah, it starts with one small
favor, and next thing you know, you're

peeing in a cup so her boyfriend can
keep his job.

How much do you need?

A thousand dollars.

If you don't have it, I understand. No,
no, no. We do have it. We have it in our

Italy account.

Your what?

Well, Jim and I have been putting away
money every week so we can go to Italy

one day. He wants to run with the bull.

Isn't that Spain?

Yeah, but please don't tell Jim. I
really want to go to Italy.

Uh, Cheryl, I don't want to take your
Italy money.

Oh, no, no, no, please. You can have the
money.

Hey, Cheryl, that's great.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, you just have to clear it with
Jim. Damn, well, it was a nice dream.

Oh, hey, my name's on that account, too,
and I'm saying yes.

He may squawk a little bit, but he'll be
fine. Are you kidding?

Every time I borrow money for breakfast,
he makes me give my watch as

collateral.

He's such a jerk sometimes.

Who's a jerk?

That waiter at Applebee's. Oh.

You mean the guy that wouldn't take my
Chili's coupon?

He is a jerk.

thinking that I love you.

What?

You're my brother -in -law, my boss, my
friend.

I love you, man.

Is one of us going to die real soon or
something?

No.

Well, then get back to work.

I'm just saying, if you were stuck in
some, I don't know, Canadian prison, I'd

come and bust you out.

Well, that's good to know, in case I'm
ever arrested for punching on a moose.

And if you ever needed money for
whatever reason... All right, all right,

right. Give me the watch. No.

This is bigger than lunch money.

All right, give me the belt, too.

I need to borrow $1 ,000.

Jim, it's really important to me.

I'd get it back to you like a mom.

Please, Jim, please. I know you have it
in that Italy account.

Okay, fun's over.

What's going on?

Nothing. No, you were laughing, and then
I said Italy account.

Don't ever say Italy account.

Italy account.

Jim, come on.

Something's not right, I can tell.

Because I'm your man buddy.

First of all, save the man buddy for the
Canadian prison, okay?

Second of all, never call me man buddy.

What's the problem with the Italy money?

Spent it.

Cheryl's going to kill you.

Well, she wouldn't.

Somebody told her before I had a chance
to replace it.

And you know what? You're the only other
person that knows about it.

What are you saying? I'm saying that
tomorrow we're pouring a basement.

And having you in there would save me on
cement.

Jim, that's disturbing.

What are you doing?

Ah, doing crossword.

You wouldn't be looking at the lingerie
ads, would you?

Yeah.

Hey, do you think all these girls live
together in one big house?

Oh, yeah, and they have a big trampoline
in their living room.

Cool.

Oh, hey, hey, did you talk to Andy
today?

No, what did he say? He's a liar.

Oh, you said no to him, didn't you?

No, that's not the way it happened.

We had a little talk, and after the
discussion, we decided that it would be

his best interest to buy a condo right
now.

Did you threaten to kill him again?

We were goofing around.

That's what guys do. They threaten to
kill each other all the time. Come on.

It's fun.

Jim, I just don't understand why we
wouldn't loan him the money. We have it

sitting there in our Italy account.

Cheryl, you and I made an agreement.

Anything we spend over $100 has to be
okay by both of us.

Now, if you want to go back on that
agreement, fine.

I do.

No, we're not going back on it.

Cheryl,

That money is for us.

For our special time together as a
couple.

For you and me, you know, eating pizza
in its homeland.

Being chased by the bulls.

Honey, I don't want to give away that
dream.

Well, I don't want to either, honey, but
Andy will pay us back way before we

ever take that trip.

And what if he doesn't?

What if he doesn't pay us back? Then,
you know, I get mad.

The news take my side, and Dana takes
his side, and the kids start crying, and

the dog gets out.

All for the sake of the almighty dollar.

The dog gets out?

Cheryl, look.

Remember when we went to Yellowstone
Park and they had those signs that said,

not feed the bears?

And you decided it was okay to give them
chewing gum?

Well, that was kind of funny.

I mean, it looked like he was talking in
slow motion.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is the reason they have that
sign is because they don't want the

to become dependent.

Now, if we give Andy that $1 ,000, he's
going to be rooting around our garbage,

scaring the kids.

So your answer is no, and that's it?
That's it.

Ugh, it's like talking to a wall.

You didn't complain when this wall
protected you from a large bear with a

full of Bubblicious.

Would you like some more tea? Yes, it's
delicious.

What kind of tea is this?

Bacon.

Hey, can I ask you a question? How come
Andy didn't ask me for the money? I

mean, I'm family. I make a good living.
Dana, whenever you do someone a favor,

you always expect something back in
return.

Well, that's the way the world works,
Cheryl.

It's a cold, cruel place. It's survival
of the fittest, and you've got to claw

your way up to the top before they stab
you in the back.

Behind Jim's back?

Uh -huh.

This could be the beginning of something
wonderful.

Or the end of something that was never
meant to be.

I don't understand. There's got to be a
mistake. There should be over a thousand

dollars in there. I mean, I never
touched this account. I'm the only other

person authorized to... How much is
left?

Just got a chill up my spine.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, Cheryl, there is nothing more
beautiful than the sight of you standing

to that pot roast.

Except maybe the sight of me eating that
pot roast.

Oh, honey, I miss you too. And you know
what?

To show you how much I love you, I'm
giving you a special present.

Yes!

No, Jim, no, no, no, no, Jim.

No.

All right.

But if you want me to hold you for a
minute, then it's not really my present.

I'm kidding. That was a little joke.

Married couple joke. I know.

What's my present?

Okay, ready? Yes.

Six dollars.

49 cents.

It's all that was left in our Italy
account.

You closed our Italy account?

You took the money, didn't you?

Hmm.

That doesn't sound like something I
would do.

What happened to it? What happened to
the money, Jim?

Okay, Cheryl, you deserve an
explanation.

I have another family.

I have a gambling problem.

I have another family with a gambling
problem.

Jim?

I just, you know, kind of spend it on
stuff, you know, that's all.

Well, you know, drinks with the guys or
basketball tickets, lottery tickets,

parking tickets, apology flowers.

A lot of apology flowers.

I thought we were supposed to discuss
all financial decisions together.

Honey, I was going to replace it. I just
got busy.

Doing what?

You know, loving you.

I just... Save it for your other family,
Jim.

Okay, Cheryl.

I think this is going to be a fight
right now. I see a little kind of spark

it.

And I don't think I want to be a
participant to this.

What if I do want to be a participant of
this?

Well, then you... can par anticipant
together.

Do not walk away from me. I am walking.

Well, well, well, well.

You almost got away with that, didn't
you?

With what?

How did you know that I took the money
out of the bank unless you went to the

bank to take the money out yourself?

I wasn't going to take it out.

Then why did you go to the bank?

Why did I go to the bank?

I think that's what I said.

Let me rephrase it. Why did you go to
the bank? I went to the bank. Why did

go to the bank? I went to the bank to
take out the money.

Damn!

You've got to teach me how to lie.

I see what's going on here.

You're not mad at me for taking out the
money.

You're mad at me because I got to the
money first.

Jim, everything in that account was
money I saved from the household budget.

And where did that household account
come from?

Where? Me. It came from me.

I'm the chief. I'm the, I'm el grande
burrito, el poco loco, me.

What are you saying? I'm saying I make
the money, I bring the money home, it's

my money.

You know what, though? You know what I
can't wait for?

Is you and I in Italy laughing about
this.

Gerald, what's going on here?

Well, Jim, since all of the money is
yours, I had to figure out a way to make

some of my own.

So you're selling all our stuff?

No, my stuff.

All of this is stuff I bought with my
money before we even met. I own it.

Not you, me.

I think you're overacting a little bit
here.

I thought we settled this last night.

Why would you think that?

Because you didn't kill me in my sleep.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, okay, I get it.

I get it. You want to feel like this
money is yours.

So how much for all this stuff?

It's not about money.

I know that. It's about, you know,
something important to you.

Right?

Yes. That's right. It's about respect.

Respect?

There's a curveball.

No, you know what? Just forget it. I
need to go take care of my customers.

But... Cheryl, did he really say, I make
the money?

Oh, he did.

How do you know I said that?

Cheryl! Hey, how much for this gravy
boat?

Ten dollars.

I'll give you twenty.

Oh, great. Let's go get some eggs.

Andy, what are you doing here?

Shopping. Now that I can't buy my condo,
I find I got a little extra cash lying

around.

Andy, I insist that you take this check
and go buy your condo. I told you

already, I don't want to be at your beck
and call.

Okay, here's the deal. You need $1 ,000
for your condo, and I need a lift to the

airport tomorrow morning. Now, you know
that one way or another, you're going to

give me a lift.

So, you might as well take the check and
get a condo out of it.

I'll pick you up at 6. Make it 5.

Bring coffee.

Five.

Means I have to get up at four.

I'm already running late.

Okay, okay.

Have your fun. Sell your, you know,
little blender and your little roller

and these socks with no feet in them.

They're leg warmers, Jim.

Come on, you're making that up.

Cheryl, you telling the sheriff?

Yeah, 75 will take it out the door.

You can't sell my chair. I'll give you a
50.

65. Actually, Jim, it's mine. I had it
in my apartment before we met, so I can

sell it if I want to. I'll give you 55.

60. No, you can't.

This is my chair. I sit in this chair.
Look, look.

Right there's my ass groove.

All right, 10.

Sold.

What are you doing business with? Jim,
will you give me a hand with this out to

the car?

The only way you're getting this chair
is if you can pry it out from underneath

my cold, dead...

to sit in that chair for the rest of
your life?

That's my plan.

What about your job?

This is my job now.

Who's going to pay you to sit, Jim?

Cheryl, if you're good enough at
something, the money will find you.

How could you sell my chair?

When did it become your chair?

I don't know. When we got married. Oh, I
see. So when we got married,

everything... that was mine
automatically became ours. Yes!

Jim,

when we got married, we made a deal.

You'd work, and I'd quit my job and
raise the kids. You wanted to do that. I

did, and I love it. But what you said to
me last night made me feel like I'm

somehow less important because I don't
bring home a paycheck.

What I do is not nothing.

I'm turning out people.

And they poop, Jim. They poop a lot.

Okay. Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't
have said, you know, that

thing last night.

Why? Because you didn't mean it or
because it started a fight?

Because which answer won't get us in
another fight?

You know, technically, Jim, you were
right. You do make the money.

Thank you. But we both earn it.

All right, hold on.

I think I know what's important to you.

Oh, that's nice.

Tell me what it is.

Respect.

E... Equality?

Poop.

Lots of poop.

I get it, honey.

Close enough.

Come here.

Come on, I miss you.

Remember the time we used to sit in this
chair in your apartment and watch TV

and eat popcorn?

I never got any popcorn, Jim. Yeah.

You know, I really do want to go to
Italy.

We're in Italy right now.

We're in one of those canoes in the
canal.

Oh, honey, Venice is really beautiful.

It is, isn't it? Yeah.

Hey, how you doing? Forget about it.

This is my baby right here.

Hey, honey, let's go to one of those
cafes in San Marcos Square.

Okay, but first, first, watch out.

Here comes the running of the bulls.

Honey, we really need to talk.