All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s01e02_no_nookie

And when Bradford saw all his friends
together in the magic treehouse, he knew

that it was them and not the magic that
made the treehouse so special.

Hey,

I want to see that egg.

Oh, look, look, there's more. Oh, my
goodness.

$5 U .S., $6 .50 Canada.

Okay,

Daddy's home. Everybody make a big deal.

Thank you, dear.

Honey? Oh, yay.

doing to serve poops a lot?

Can we have a magic treehouse like
Bradford does in the book?

Sure, sure. Just be sure to return my
tools when you're done.

You know, Jim, you did tell him we'd
build him a treehouse last year, but

somehow I got a foosball table instead.

So what do you say? You don't want me to
exercise anymore?

Oh, come on. You're a contractor and
he's an architect.

You guys can do that?

You see, this is the problem with
reading.

Books are where ideas come from.

Ah!

Oh, baby.

Daddy?

Yeah, hon? Can you play Barbies with us?

Oh, you know what? I really want to.

But I've got to wait at least an hour
after I eat before playing with bugs.

Otherwise I get a cramp.

And then will you play?

Sure.

Unless I eat again.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey, Andy, where were you? I missed
burgers.

I'm working on this model for the kids'
treehouse.

Jeez.

Look at the detail on this thing.

Wow. Your new treehouse.

and that's Jim and you and look, that's
me.

Where am I?

You're in a model of a restaurant having
a bad day.

The kids are going to love this.

See?

You ask, I deliver.

And what exactly did you do?

I made the actual girls that go into the
tree house.

Does anybody want to go out for ice
cream?

Okay. But let's use the little sample
spoons so we can pretend we're giants.

Girls, we're going out for ice cream.

Hey, you know what? Why don't you guys
go ahead? You know, Kyle just went down.

I'm kind of full.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to go either.
You know, I've got to scrape the grill,

help Cheryl clean and stuff.

Thanks.

Okay. See you. See you later. Bye,
girls.

Sex? Oh, yeah.

I figure we've got 20 minutes.

Okay.

Two minutes to get undressed, eight
minutes to foreplay, five to make love.

Well, you know, I think I can get that
foreplay down to two minutes. Maybe one.

Great. I can get started on the laundry.
Good. I got some shirts.

Wow.

You're welcome.

You know, and keeping my shoes on really
gave me that extra traction.

Does it ever get to you that we always
have to squeeze this time in between

loads of laundry and baby puke?

Yeah, sometimes.

Remember when we were first dating and I
had that little apartment on Sheridan

with the leaky roof?

Yeah.

Remember the first night you stayed
over, it rained and it rained.

And then when the lights went out, we
lit candles.

Don't you miss that?

No,

no, no, honey, seriously. Let me get it.

So, I made sure we took our time at the
ice cream parlor.

And we drove around the block a few
times so you and Jim could, you know,

what you were doing.

What?

Come on, Cheryl. Jim offers to stay and
help you clean up, and he turns down ice

cream?

You know, Dana, when you're married to
three kids, you just grab the time when

you can. Look, why don't you and Jim
just get away?

Oh, like on a trip?

Yeah. Look, I know he's a tightwad, but
my travel agent told me about this

exclusive place in the Bahamas.

No phones, private bungalows, and their
motto is, we hate children.

Dana, I can't just pick up and go.

I've got Kyle, the girls are in school,
I need a new lint drop for my dryer. I

have a life.

No, you have Mom's life.

Ow.

Look, you don't have to give up romance
and spontaneity just because you're

married to Jim.

Dana, there's a whole...

Sweet romantic side to Jim that you
never see.

You know, that man gave up ice cream for
me.

You bring me back some ice cream?

I'll be asleep, but you can wake me.

Don't scratch it, don't scratch it. All
right, give me the

number of your travel agent.

Hey, honey.

Hey, Ann.

So the treehouse is really coming along.

Yeah, and the girls are really excited
about it.

And when I say girls, I do mean Andy.

I can hear you in there.

Andy, what the hell are you doing in the
treehouse now?

Come on. It's 10 o 'clock. Go home.

Jim, while I got you here, where do you
want me to install the phone jacks?

I can think of one place, Andy.

I guess this is as good a time to tell
you as any.

This is a book.

What's it about?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing, huh?

No!

Nothing.

The ultimate guide to the Bahamas?

Yeah, because when we get there, I want
to know where all the good stuff is.

Cheryl, what are you talking about?

I'll give you a little hint.

Mm -hmm.

incredible days at Paradise Island.
Honey, what are you talking about? We

do that. I mean, I got my work. You got
your kids.

Hey, it's all taken care of. Dana's
going to take care of the kids and

going to cover for you at work. But we
can't afford a vacation.

Honey, I got a great deal.

Great? Off -season, midweek, layover,
timeshare seminar.

What about the airfare?

I told them we were going to a funeral.
They're taking off 50%. Honey, do you

realize that we haven't been alone since
Ruby was born?

I know.

Well, I guess it could be fun.

I mean, you know, I've never really seen
those coconut bras except for in

pictures.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

What? Before we do this, can we talk?

Sure. Okay.

Well, hello, ma 'am. My name is Buck.

Honey, hang on.

I want to talk about the trip.

You know how we're always rushing
through sex?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I thought... What if we
held off for three weeks till we got

there?

What are you, nuts?

Just think how romantic it'll be when
we're finally alone.

Three weeks? We didn't wait that long
the first time.

He's going to make it feel just like the
first time.

No, in order to feel like the first
time, we need your dad, a bat, and some

cops.

No, no way.

Oh, come on.

What are you telling me here?

You want me to spend a lot of money and
have no sex for three weeks?

It's like I just had surgery.

Honey, you know, if we do hold out, I
promise you, by the time we get to the

Bahamas, you'll never even see the
beach.

Wall -to -wall action?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Look what I found in my underwear
drawer.

Let me guess, another love note from the
butt scratcher?

You know, ever since we started this
whole holding out thing, he's been so

romantic. Yeah, there's nothing like a
guy who's not taking it for granted.

Listen to this.

Dear Cheryl, everything good in my life
is because of you. I love you with all

my heart. Jim. Oh, that's sweet. I'm
surprised.

Oh, look, there's a little drawing on
the back. Might be holding a flashlight.

Oh!

The treehouse does not need a skylight.

Jim, I have an architect's mind. I don't
know how to build crap.

Well, apply yourself.

Fine. Why don't we just slap together a
floor and some walls?

Oh, you don't want to do that? Then it
would be a treehouse.

Somebody doesn't want the password to
the security system.

Hey.

Love you.

Love you.

Oh.

Spilled on my shirt.

Dana, it's just a week.

No, your trip's in two weeks. No, we
leave in a week.

Uh -oh.

Dana, I was very clear with you. I was
very specific about our schedule. Look,

remember you said you were leaving the
day after Mom's birthday. That's the

23rd. That's the 16th, which I should
have realized you wouldn't know because

always buy her present.

I cannot believe you're making this
about you.

Dana, you're just going to have to
change your schedule.

Well, I can't. I'm going to be in New
York on business. Can't you change your

trip? No, Dana, it's a whole package.

In a few weeks, hurricane season is
going to be over and prices are going to

skyrocket.

Well, can't you ask Andy to watch the
kids?

Give me back my hammer!

Are you trying to make me cry, Jim?

I'm just going to have to tell Jim the
trip is off.

Hey.

for you.

Aww.

No matter how beautiful this rose is, it
can't compare to the beautiful ness

of you.

have is that?

Jim, I'm... Don't worry.

Oh, Jim, we really have to discuss
something.

I know, I know. Only one beer and a
plane.

Oh, honey, um, we're not going on the
trip.

What?

There's this group with Dana's schedule
and she can't watch the kids. I had to

cancel.

Oh, man, when did this happen?

Well, three days ago.

You've known about this for three days?

Well, yeah, but honey, you know, I tried
to tell you and you'd write me a poem

or bring me a rose, ask me to dance.

I just didn't want it to end. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too. I was really looking
forward to it, honey. Yeah.

Okay, let's have sex.

What? Do the math.

You owe me three days' worth.

I owe you?

Yeah. You better get started. You got
children to raise.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

These past few days have been so special
to me. It's like you're recording me

again. What is that, out the window?

No, I was going to kiss you.

Unbelievable.

I know, and I haven't even started.

Take me. Do what you want.

Yes!

Could you be more insensitive?

Would it make you hotter?

What? What? Cheryl.

What?

Cheryl, come on. You're the one who's
been lying about this for three days,

I'm the one in trouble?

Women, what are you going to do?

All you do is go up to your dad and say,
Daddy, we think that crown molding will

add an air of timeless elegance to our
treehouse.

Can you do that?

You smell like chicken.

Hey.

Hello.

Hey, Jim, she's not moving. Jump on her.

always has to know about our private
stuff.

Oh, believe me, it's no newsflash that
all guys care about is sex.

Thank you.

And any guy that tells you anything
different is either lying or just had

So, you're telling me that these past
few days when you've been so romantic,

you really cared about was getting some?

Yes. Well, that was our agreement.

No getting some, then a lot of some.

Come on, Cheryl. I was just being honest
with you. I mean, all guys are like

that. That's why we open doors for you.
That's why we send you flowers. That's

why we remember your names.

Come on.

The first night we met, you told me that
even if you never saw me again, it was

enough just to know that a woman like me
existed.

Well, honey, I said that to a bunch of
women that night.

Cheryl,

the way you were looking at me, you were
there for the exact same reason I was.

Guess what?

I wasn't even looking at you. Cheryl.

Come on, Cheryl.

You were brightly drooling all over me.

Actually... Cheryl, don't tell me... I
was drooling over the guy behind you.

You were in the way.

Okay.

That's good to know.

Since everybody else does.

I can't believe I said that.

Cheryl, as your brother, maybe I can
help.

I think what Jim needs from you right
now is about 50 linear feet of crown

Anybody?

We got your tape.

You sure you want me here and not that
other guy?

What guy?

The guy. The guy. You know the guy. The
guy behind me. The guy if I ever meet

him, I'm going to kick his butt. That
guy.

Honey, I looked at him for two seconds.

I spent the rest of my life with him.

Since you're new at this, I've done
something stupid and I want to make it

you thing.

I guess I can walk you through the
steps.

Well, why don't you see how I do on my
own?

Whoa.

You just skipped the step five.

I love my life with you and our
beautiful kids and this ridiculously

-top treehouse.

Yeah. I'm still going to move it in here
and give the house to the kids.

So, honey, how many women did you hit on
that night?

Five.

Although it turns out one of them wasn't
apparently a woman.

Anything else you want to confess?

You mean about that night or laying life
in general?

Open it up.

Open it up?

Oh, yeah.

Well, okay, I wasn't really scouted by
the Cubs when I was on the high school

baseball team.

Wow. Anything else?

I wasn't on the high school baseball
team.

Anything you want to spill?

I was never a volunteer firewoman in
college.

I don't even know who you are anymore.

Just like it was that first night.

Yeah.

How long do you want to listen to the
rain?

All night.

I sure hope one of them is sex.