All language subtitles for according_to_jim_s01e01_pilot

I thought you were playing with a girl.
I am.

But they're outside, and you're in here.

Well, we're playing Frozen Guy.

You see, I'm frozen, and the only way I
get thawed out is by the girls playing

in the backyard.

That sounds a lot like Hammock Guy.

No, Cheryl.

Hammock Guy, I'm outside, and they play
in here.

Are you the...

Oh, cold beer.

Oh, play harder, play harder. Oh, it's
so cold.

Oh, it's frozen.

So what are we going to eat?

I don't know.

You better ask your wife, because frozen
gal is going to sit her ass down and

read the paper.

It's fun playing with the kids, isn't
it?

Oh, baby.

Hey, Ruby, how do you like my new tie
for my first day of kindergarten?

It's my first day of kindergarten.

Hey, maybe you're in the same class.

Cool. Morning, everybody.

Do I look tired?

More haggard than tired.

Because I was on the phone half the
night with our little brother.

Yeah, Dana.

Today is my first day of kindergarten.

I know. It's so exciting. What a big
girl you are.

I have a vagina.

Me too.

That means we have to work twice as hard
as a man to earn the same money.

Hey, do you girls want to go watch TV?

Yeah.

You're on the phone with Andy?

Yeah, he and Carrie had a huge fight.

She said he broke her hair dryer. He
said it was normal wear and tear, fight,

fight, fight. Now she's back in her own
apartment.

It turned into one of those stupid
couple fights, like the time you closed

car door on me.

You told me to shut it.

Why would I tell you to shut the car
door when I'm still getting out of the

I have no idea, but you told me to shut
it. Oh, hey, focus.

We love Carrie.

She's great for Andy. She's smart, she's
sweet, she's caring.

She's great in a sack.

Andy's got a big mouth. I don't know. He
told me.

All right, so what are we going to do?

All right, how about this?

How about we try to get through today
the best we can?

Try to get some sleep tonight, if we
can.

And then in the morning we get up and do
the same thing over and over again

until Carrie and Andy work this thing
out for themselves.

Let's ignore Jim.

If we can.

Could you please talk to Andy for me?

You're saying that like a question, but
it really isn't, is it?

No.

All right.

I'll talk to Andy. Will you do something
for me?

Anything. All right.

I got all day to think about it.

Andy, have you gone over your plans for
the Patterson house?

Is there a problem?

Well, kind of.

There's no door.

unless the Pattersons were actually born
in the house.

I'm sorry, Jim.

I'm all screwed up from this Carrie
thing.

I've thrown up twice already.

Need a Tic Tac?

Okay.

Your sisters want me to talk to you
about Carrie.

I really miss her.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

So we've had our talk, right? Yeah.

How did Ruby's birthday at school go?
Oh, not good. When I tried to leave, she

ran after me sobbing. Really? Yeah.

What happened to the ending?

Oh, pretty much the same thing.

And then he threw up.

You know, the guy, Mrs.

Carey.

Where did I put the screwdriver?

No, no.

Cindy and Carrie in the same room
together. Hey, how about we have a move

for dinner?

Great. You don't need me here for that,
do you?

Okay, settle down. Inside voices, inside
voices.

So, what did you end up doing with Ruby?

What could I do? I stayed.

I sat outside her classroom on a tiny
little bench until three.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

You know what? It's just her birthday.

It's not like she's going to be hanging
onto your skirt the rest of her life

like me.

You, on the couch.

You, on the chair.

Oh, yeah, someday you're going to beg
for five minutes alone in a chair with

nothing to do.

Oh, look at us.

Eight o 'clock at night and we're
already in our pajamas.

Yeah.

You want to have a peck?

Yeah.

That's good to know.

What am I going to do about Ruby?

I've been sitting outside her classroom
for a week now.

I don't know, but honey, we've got to do
something.

Because I can't keep taking the kids to
work with me. I mean, Kyle is screaming

and crying all day, and the little one?

Gracie. Right.

She keeps answering the phone, hello, I
have a bub -gina.

Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.

And your teacher said starting tomorrow,
I'm not allowed to stay anymore.

I mean, my daughter is screaming bloody
murder, and I'm supposed to just leave?

I can't do that.

Then I'll do it.

You're going to take Ruby to school?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, she needs somebody tough,
somebody who can say adios and walk

Oh.

And that's you.

Yeah, that's me, honey. Come on, let's
face it. It's a scientific fact.

I mean, I read it in an article in
Playboy.

Men are better at separating than women.

I mean, look at how many of us walk out
on our crying wives.

You know what strength that takes?

You know, that's interesting, because I
read just the opposite in last month's

issue of Jugs.

Nobody reads the articles and jugs,
honey.

Now, come on, I'm serious here. Men are
tougher.

I mean, honey, I know you did the best
job you could, but you got too

But that's okay.

You're a woman.

That's what we love about you guys.

But in a situation like this, you got to
be a rock and walk away.

I'm not leaving.

I can stay here. What's the matter? Stay
in the hall. It's no big deal. Oh,

what's this about?

Oh, you need support, don't you?

I'm not leaving, baby! I'm not leaving!
Not without my daughter!

Hey, let's just talk about this for a
second.

I gotta hand it to Jim. He really
handled this whole school thing just

he said he would.

Dishes for the ladies.

For the last couple of days, he's been
taking Ruby to school and leaving work

pick up the three.

What?

Doesn't he show up to work till after 3
.30?

He's not coming into work till when?

I must not speak when I'm with people.

Why would Jim be coming into work late
every day?

Maybe he's having an affair.

Oh, my God.

What? Three o 'clock, taking Ruby to
school and picking her up to lighten my

load. Jim's never worried about my load
before.

Dana, he's been sitting outside Ruby's
classroom.

Just like you did. Yes.

Oh, my God, let's go bust him.

No, no, no, no.

This is all mine.

Dana, if you ever get married, you will
come to realize that these are the

moments you savor.

Cheryl?

You said if. I meant when.

All right. The embalmers removed the
stomach and other organs through a cut

the lower abdomen.

Did that.

They then inserted hooks into the
nostrils and pulled out the brain.

Did that.

Oh, hey, girls, here.

We didn't do this yet.

Then they stuffed the mummy's mouth with
exotic Egyptian stuff, which we now

know as corn chips.

Can we stuff your mouth with corn chips,
Daddy?

Well, okay. I mean, we're trying to keep
it real and everything.

Okay, go get the chips.

Get the big bag.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Because I love you.

No, I know that look.

This is not that look.

Maybe it's a look of gratitude.

Well, yeah.

Could be that. I wouldn't recognize
that.

Oh, honey, I just never thanked you
enough for taking over Ruby's school

problem. The handling is so well.

Oh, don't worry about it, honey. It's no
big deal, really. You seem nervous.

Oh, I'm not nervous at all.

No, I just, it's, well, I'm a little
nervous. It's about this dinner tonight.

I want it to work.

I mean, Carrie's so great, isn't she?

You are so cute with your brain sucked
out.

And you'll be with them.

Right, Dana?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you. It's a
little noisy down at this end of the

He's not coming.

It's over.

I blew it.

Is there a rule that says you can't eat
when someone's crying?

Hey, everyone.

Andy. Hey, Keith. Sorry I'm late, but I
had to go to three different stores to

find the right one.

I don't want us to fight.

Neither do I.

Oh, my God.

It's exactly like the one you broke.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, ha -ha, lasagna. I got to tell you,
Cheryl, your lasagna, I didn't break

it.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't. It was normal wear and
tear.

Normal wear and tear. Everything is wear
and tear. I suppose Abraham Lincoln

died from normal wear and tear. Well, he
sure didn't die from being used 20

minutes on the high setting.

Knock it off. Knock it off.

This whole thing is upsetting my
stomach. I can't eat.

Finish what's on my plate.

I'm worried about dessert.

You know what? This is going to be one
of those fights you're going to have

entire relationship.

I mean, like Cheryl and I, we still
fight about the time she asked me to

the car door on her, and I did.

Jim, for God's sake, why would I ask you
to... You see? She can't let it go.

But we don't break up over it.

You know, we talk.

Communication is the key here.

Donnie, you were right.

Isn't he, Dana?

I can't think of anything we don't
share.

Can you?

No, not off the top of my head.

Yeah, well, maybe you need to look a
little deeper than the top.

You know, maybe just below the sports
scores, but right above the lyrics to

Louie Louie.

This is not that look of gratitude, is
it?

of you are totally busted for sitting
outside Ruby's school.

Oh, man.

All right. All right. All right. You
were so full of it. You should have

him. Women are so emotional. Men are so
tough. He was quoting Playboy at me.

Look, I got very emotional. You know, it
was hard for me to leave. I was a big

old girl.

Oh, yeah.

Here's something you may or may not find
funny.

Ruby doesn't go to Havenhurst anymore.

She goes to Emerson.

What?

Everything is a very good school, honey.

Well, thank you. Thanks,

Cheryl.

What flavor do you want?

Honey.

This lasagna is really good, even the
burnt pieces.

Jim?

Yes?

You changed Ruby's school without
telling me.

Okay, honey.

Ruby was hysterical, okay? Mrs. Carter
told me to leave. I wouldn't.

There was a struggle.

Drinking fountain was inadvertently
broken.

They threw me out and I took Ruby with
me. I mean, what was I supposed to do?

Walk away from a screaming child?

You do it all the time around here.

Honey. Honey.

Honey. So, let me get this straight.

Not only have you been lying to me, but
my daughter's been lying to me?

Whoa.

Hold it right there.

I did not tell Ruby to lie to you.

All I said was, don't tell your mother.

And I gave her some money.

You bribed our daughter to lie to me?

Honey, it was a dollar. You can't buy
anything with a dollar.

What?

What? Ruby's happy at her school, and so
I fixed the problem.

How did you fix the problem?

Ruby still can't stay at school alone.
You're still sitting outside her

classroom all day.

It's just a different room.

Hey, honey, I finally figured out what I
want you to do for me.

Do it yourself.

Okay, baby.

Oh, honey, it's not your fault.

But you're probably going to have to
give me the dollar back.

No, really.

Honey, I can't stay at school with you
anymore.

Can Mommy?

Mm -mm.

Why?

Well, it's kind of like that stone song.

You can't always get what you want.

And what you wanted Mommy and Daddy to
be around you all the time, like when

were little.

But you can't.

You know, you got to kind of do
something on your own. And one of those

would be to stay in school by yourself.

What's the stones?

The Rolling Stones?

Brown Sugar?

Jumping Jack Flash? Everything for the
Devil?

Oh, baby.

You got a lot of great music ahead of
you.

So.

The dollar?

Good night.

I didn't know if you wanted me to do the
dishes or not.

So I didn't.

Time for a drum solo.

Now we're going to slow it down a
little, Spice Girls.

Stop right there. Thank you very much.

I just want a huge...

I was going to tell you about changing
Ruby's school, but it just kind of

snowballed, you know? And then a couple
days went by, and it was just...

I could have told you, honey.

Jim, we're partners in this thing.

It's not just you.

I know.

You know, Ruby's going to have days
where she's...

Going to be on her own, and she's going
to feel alone and scared, and we're not

going to be there.

And this time I was there.

And I did the same thing you did.

I mean, you probably wouldn't have broke
the drinking fountain, but...

I

don't know, honey.

The secret is to hold on to the lockers
while they're dragging you away.

You're always smarter than me.

God, you're a beautiful woman.

God, you're a lucky man.

Lucky?

Honey?

Why would I ask you to close the car
door on me?

Honey?

Why would I shut the car door on you if
you didn't ask me?

Okay.

But why would I ask?

I'm not that stupid, honey.