All language subtitles for Turtles All the Way Down (2024) (Awafim.tv)

Did you know human beings
are almost 50% microbial?

That means half the cells
that make up your body

don't even belong to you.

They belong to these tiny,
microscopic organisms
crawling inside of you.

So, if you think about it,
there is no you.

You're not real.

You're fictional.

♪ Oh, no, I did it again ♪

♪ I heard them all too loud
Voices in my head ♪

♪ And now I'm lonely ♪

♪ Someone to tell me
They knew... ♪

You're just
a glorified bacterial colony.

- I did know that.

Because you've told me before.

When was the last time

you had the urge to open
the callus on your finger?

- This morning.
- And did you?

Yes.

Maybe we try
exposure response
therapy again.

Oh, that... that wasn't for me.

Okay.

Have you been taking
your medication?

Uh...

Sometimes.

You have to take
your medication every day,
for it to work. You know that.

What are you thinking?

I was thinking it's not fair

that you and every other
normal person can know

you're covered in bacteria
and not give a shit.

- I don't like
the word "normal."
- And I don't like the words

that you write on your notepad
to describe me,

but if the shoe fits.

Sure, they acknowledge
you're struggling,

but they also reflect
that you are so much more

than your OCD.

You're smart, and creative,
and thoughtful.

Okay, thank you.
But, please, just stop.

So, you wish you were more
like normal people?

No.

I'd kill to be
like normal people.

♪ I'm caving out ♪

♪ And I just sit back ♪

♪ While I watch me drown ♪

♪ So I'm safe and sound ♪

♪ While I'm in this room ♪

♪ No, it's nothing new ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Oh, no, I did it again ♪

♪ I told the world I'm fine
Never near the edge ♪

♪ And now I'm falling ♪

♪ Too late to tell them
The truth ♪

♪ Oh, no, I did it again ♪

♪ I heard them all too loud
Voices in my head ♪

♪ And now I'm lonely ♪

♪ Someone to tell me
They knew ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm caving out ♪

♪ And I just sit back ♪

♪ While I watch me drown ♪

♪ So I'm safe and sound ♪

♪ While I'm in this room ♪

♪ No, it's nothing new ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, no, I did it again ♪
- ♪ 'Cause I'm caving out ♪

♪ I let my mind leak out
Into all my friends ♪

♪ And I just sit back ♪

♪ While I watch me drown ♪

-♪ Oh, no, I did it again ♪
- ♪ So I'm safe and sound ♪

♪ I let myself inside
Till the silence ends ♪

♪ Too late to tell the truth ♪

♪ Slipping and thinking
Of you ♪

♪ And it's nothing new ♪

♪ Slipping and thinking
Of you ♪

♪ Slipping and thinking
Of you... ♪

♪ Slipping and thinking
Of you... ♪

♪ Slipping and thinking
Of you ♪

♪ Slipping and thinking
Of you... ♪

So, what do you think?

Of what?

Holmsey, my hair is the color
of an embarrassed flamingo.

Yeah, it's not a good thing.

I can't believe you actually
went through with it.

It's bold.

Daisy Ramirez breaks hearts,
not promises.

Do you think
I should get that tattooed,
like, yea big on my ankle?

Still, no.

- Hey, check out my new piece.
- Oh.

His new piece.

Bam.

He's hot. Who is he?

He's Mychal 101.

I used Photoshop
to average the faces
of 100 people named Mychal,

- but spelled
with a "Y" like me.

And the average
of their faces became him.

The 101st Mychal.

- Hello, Mychal 101.

Yeah,
so, now that I've got
the technique down...

That's your stomach
digesting your sandwich.

Make a piece about the face
of White River High.

All the bacteria
chewing the slime
of the peanut butter and honey.

You can feel them living,
and breeding,
and dying inside of you.

Your body is nothing but a host

to a massive collection
of parasitic organisms,

ready to cause infection,
ready to cause infection,

ready to cause infection.

Holmsey, are you listening?

I am listening
to the cacophony
of my digestive tract.

- Aza?

Yeah. Yeah?

When was the last time
you saw Davis?

Um, I don't... I don't know.

You know
Davis Pickett?

- Yeah,
when they were kids.

- What?
- They went to camp.

It's too loud.

Why is it so loud?

Excessive abdominal noise
is an uncommon

but not unprecedented,
symptom of a C. diff infection.

Even moderate
C. diff infections
can quickly worsen.

Damage to the intestinal lining

causes bacteria to spill
into the abdominal cavity,

leading to
a life-threatening infection.

You need to change
the Band-Aid.

You're probably infected.

You need to drain
the infection.
Drain it and clean it.

Put on a new Band-Aid
before it gets any worse.

I gotta go to my locker.

Most C. diff cases
occur in hospitals.

You haven't been to a hospital,
but you're sweating
and you feel hot.

You probably have a fever.

A fever is also a symptom
of C. diff.

- Stop it,
you don't have a fever.

You don't have a fever yet.

How could you forget
to change the Band-Aid?

I really don't think I did.

You did,
you forgot to change it,
and now it's too late.

You have C. diff,
and you're gonna--

Thought spiral?

Yeah.

Well, tomorrow,
we're gonna hang out
on my lunch break, right?

And by "hang out" I mean,
you're gonna pick me up
on my lunch break?

- Sure.
- Thank God.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Love you.

Bye.

- No phones in the hallway, Aza.

No spying on your daughter
during school hours, Mom.

You look tired.

You feeling okay?

Yeah.

And you're taking your...

Yes.

Hey, do you wanna go to a movie
sometime tomorrow afternoon?

I barely get to see you
during the week.

I'm hanging out with Daisy.

Maybe Sunday then?

Maybe.

Hey, everybody.

Schopenhauer once said,
"Man can do what he wills,

but he cannot will
what he wills."

Our motives
may be predetermined,

but it's up to us
how we act on those motives.

And consider this.

If you alter a mouse's
microbiome, the colonies
of bacteria in its stomach,

the mouse will suddenly
seek out different foods--

Horrible news.
I drew the short straw,

which means I have to
get in the freakin'
Kenny the chinchilla costume.

And B.O. Brian
was in it all morning.

So, let's make
this lunch break count.

Really?

You know you're not allowed
to drink non-clear liquids
in Harold.

It's vanilla.
It's clear-adjacent.

Fine.

Empty.

- Happy?
- Mm-hmm.

Happy, Harold?

Yes, he is.

- For what it's worth,

your dad is definitely
smiling down
from the great beyond,

proud of how anal you're being
about his old car.

Radio or the CD?

CD, always.

Just think, of all the CDs
that could have
gotten stuck in here...

...it wound up being
the greatest album of all time.

- ♪ I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I am for real ♪

♪ Never meant
To make your daughter cry ♪

♪ I apologize
A trillion times ♪

♪ Ooh, I am for real ♪

♪ For real ♪

♪ Never meant
To make your daughter cry ♪

♪ I apologize
A trillion times ♪

♪ On the oak tree
I hope we feel
Like this forever ♪

- ♪ Forever? ♪
- ♪ Forever ever? ♪

♪ Forever ever? ♪

♪ Forever never seems that long
Until you're grown ♪

♪ And notice that
The day-by-day ruler
Can't be too wrong ♪

♪ Ms. Jackson
My intentions were good
I wish I could ♪

♪ Become a magician
To abracadabra all the sadder ♪

♪ Thoughts of me
Thoughts of she
Thoughts of he ♪

♪ Asking what happened
To the feeling
That her and me ♪

Hi, Holly.

We'll do a veggie burger
for milady. Hold everything
but the bun.

And a blazin' Texan for me.

Extra blazing,
if that's possible.

I'm having a day.

Let me guess,
you have a coupon?

We do, in fact.

Anything to drink?

What are we, heiresses?
Two waters.

If you tip me
in quarters again,
I swear to God.

Why is Davis on the news?

Because his dad
is missing. That's what
I was talking about.

You didn't hear me say that?

Billionaire,
Russell Pickett, seemingly--

Do you hear me now?

Pickett Engineering was working
on a massive
construction project

designed to clean sewage
from the White River

by expanding existing tunnels
and diverting the creek

known as Pogue's Run.

Pickett had likely been
tipped off

that he was being charged
with fraud and bribery

and that his arrest
was imminent.

- Yikes.
- Mr. Pickett is a widower
with two sons,

Davis and Noah.

Detective Dwight Allen gave us
more details on the search.

The FBI is offering
a $100,000 reward

for anyone who has information

that would lead
to the discovery
of Mr. Pickett.

- Holy shit!
- Anyone with any
pertinent information

- about this investigation
should contact--
- Holy shit!

Who do you think is taking care
of Davis and Noah?

Probably one of their
bajillion servants.

They're rich.
Rich people are always fine.

I think you're missing
the takeaway here,
which is $100,000.

What about it?

You and Davis
used to be friends.

Yeah, for one summer
at sad camp.

He might not even remember me.

He'll remember you.
That shit bonds you for life.

And you're memorable.

Even if he does,

it doesn't mean I know how
to find his missing dad.

Okay, but it gives us a leg up
on everyone else.

We are not people
to turn our noses up
at a hundred grand, Holmsey.

I am currently
washing ball pit balls
for $8.40 an hour.

Do you know
what I'm washing off the balls?

Do you?

- It's pee.
- Mmm.

It's pee, Aza. Pee-pee.

Yeah, okay.

And as much
as I would love to think

that my Star Wars fanfic
is going to make me
stupid rich,

just can't rely on that
right now.

Ergo, we owe it to ourselves,

to our families,
and to our futures
to try and get this 100 grand.

That kind of money,
we could order sodas.

I just don't get
how Russell Pickett disappeared
without anyone knowing.

I mean, don't rich people have
a bunch of security cameras

in their manors?

Like, to make sure that
nobody steals their jewels?

Actually, they only have
one camera.

How do you know?

After that summer at camp,
Davis invited me
to his 13th birthday.

Some kid got him
this motion capture camera

because he was really
into tracking animals,

and in front of everyone,

his dad just turned all cold
and said he couldn't keep it.

Why?

Uh, because...

"Privacy
is the most important thing
you can have,

and if you don't have that,
you have nothing."

It's a pretty crazy speech
to give a kid who's just
trying to enjoy his birthday

and not be sad
about his dead mom.

Seriously.

Anyway, uh, Davis got upset,

and, finally, his dad caved
and let him keep it.

Huh.

No, no, no, don't...

- Don't lean.

Sorry. Sorry.

Okay. So...

we've gotta get our hands
on that camera. Do you know
where he installed it?

Sort of.

We all helped him put it up
in this huge tree
near the river.

Holmsey, we have a lead.

- What are you doing?
- I'm on the phone.

Eric, hi. It's Daisy.

Yes, that's... that's actually
why I'm calling.

I really, really need
the afternoon off.

I'm pretty sure that I have...

What's
a highly contagious
stomach bug?

Norovirus.

Definitely Norovirus.

100% it's Norovirus.

It feels like Norovirus.

Thank you. Okay.

- Bye.

Do you still have that canoe?

This water has to be like,
50% urine.

That's the good half.

Kidding.

This water
is teeming with bacteria.

What a day!

The sun's a-shining,
the canoe's a-floating,

and we're about
to live the American dream.

Benefiting from
someone else's misfortune.

Could you please
row a little gentler,
so I don't get splashed?

Sorry.

The water
will get on you,

and then it's only
a matter of time before--

Hey, did you know that
this river is the only reason

that Indianapolis even exists?

I know you're trying
to distract me.

Yep, but did you know my thing?

Bacteria
can lead to Giardia.

So, back when Indiana
first became a state,

there were all of these
heated debates about
where the capital should be.

And they noticed that
there's a river right smack
in the center of the state.

So, they're like,
"Boomshakalaka,
perfect place for our capital."

But then, after they made
the announcement,

they realized
that the White River is,
like, six inches deep,

and there's no way in hell
you can float
a steamship down it.

For a long time,

Indianapolis was
the largest city in the world

not on a navigable waterway.

That's actually
really interesting.

Yeah, I knew you'd like that.

And look at that, we're here!

Almost!

Maybe this is a literal sign
we should go home now.

Nah.

It's plausible deniability.

Now... which way
to that camera, Holmsey?

I have no idea.

Why can't you have that
super observant kind of OCD

that makes you
an amazing detective

in all those crime shows
that my dad watches?

Shh!

Does this look familiar at all?

♪ Walking up to me
Expecting... ♪

No? Just woods? Okay.

What are you doing?

Lightsaber.

You try.

You got it.

♪ Ah ♪

Wingardium Leviosa.

No. Wrong franchise.
And I know that you know that.

Can we please
just go home?

This was an idiotic,
massive waste of...

There's... there's the tree.

And the camera.

Yes!

What is happening up there?

I'm not exactly known
for my core strength.

It won't sync with my phone.

Well, is your Bluetooth on?

Yes, my Bluetooth is on.

- Oh.
- What?

- It wasn't on.
- Aza!

- Okay. It's working.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, the photos are loading.
- Okay.

Um, I don't want to alarm you,

but there is definitely
a golf cart headed
in our vague direction.

Wait.
What do you mean vague?

All right, I think
it's just making the rounds.

We're good. Relax.

Nope, not good. Very bad.
It definitely saw us.

- One sec, one sec, one sec.
- Come on, hurry!

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Hurry! Good? Good?

- Yep, yep, yep. Mm-hmm.
- We're good? We're good? Okay.

Okay. We're good. Okay, okay.

- Ah!

- What do we do?

We "damsel in distress."

- Yeah, um...

Oh, no, I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.

Okay, all right. That's fine.
That's fine, don't worry.

God.

There. There. There.

No!

- What are you two doing here?

Other than trespassing?

Hi. Thank God. We, um...

We were canoeing
and we must have hit a rock.

Multiple rocks.

We started taking on water.

Barely made it to shore.

But Aza here,

she actually
happens to be friends
with Davis Pickett.

Maybe you could take us to him.

It would be my pleasure.

Oh.

Thank you.

Because if he doesn't
know your friend,
I'm calling the police.

Fun.

Sad camp does bond you
for life, doesn't it?

Whoo! Bumpy.

Davis, you have,
uh, some visitors.

Aza. What are you doing here?

Hi, Davis.

See, I told you
they knew each other.

Uh, sorry, we hit a rock
and washed ashore
on your... mansion.

Uh, apologies
for the intrusion.

Uh, well, I'm gonna...
I think I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go make a phone call.

Um, make sure that
we have that canoe insurance

that I was telling you about.

State Farm?

Sorry about Daisy. Um...

She's a...

Leo.

You know what's crazy?

I was just thinking about you.

You were?

Yeah, everyone on the news
keeps using my dad's full name,

Russell Davis Pickett.

And I keep thinking,
"That's my name."

That made you think of me?

I remember you said that
your dad wanted you to have

your own unique name.

A sound you could
make your own.

"A to Z and back again."

My dad made me a junior.

As I made juniority.

Well, you're not your name.

I'm really sorry
about everything.

I'm sure he'll turn up soon.

I mean, I hope so,
for Noah's sake,

but my dad's a shitbag.

Maybe that's the wrong word.

He's a coward and a criminal.

He's probably holed up
in the Swiss Alps,
getting a massage right now.

Hey, wanna play
the next one with me?

Sure, but first, say "hi."
Remember my friend Aza?

Sup?

Hey, nice to see you.

Uh, well,
I should get going.

Do you need a ride home?
'Cause Lyle can take you.
It's no problem.

Sure. Thanks.

I hope it's not years
before I see you again, Aza.

♪ So, come on, Superman
Say your stupid line ♪

- Raccoon.
- Raccoon.

- Coyote.
- Coyote.

Are you gonna
keep repeating me or...

I can stop if it doesn't help.

- Raccoon.
- Raccoon.

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

I'll stop. I'm done.

- Nothing.

- Nothing.

It's taking too long.

Coyote.

Ew! Coyote eating a raccoon.

- Ew.
- Oh.

Look, there! That's him.

That's literally him.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh! He's escaping in Burberry
because, of course.

Oh, my God, this is huge.
This is huge.

Okay, okay, um,
we know that he left
in the middle of the night

because of the time stamp,
and he brought a duffel bag.

I'm not sure what this gets us.

Yeah, me neither.

But it's something!

And lucky for us,
Davis is totally into you.

So, we'll just hang out
with him again and get inside
the belly of the beast.

The mansion is the belly.
Or is it the beast?

I don't know. I don't... I've
never understood that saying.

Daisy...

- you really think he's into me?

Yes, and you're into him, too.

- I'm... I'm not.
- You are, too.

He's literally so hot.
Are you kidding me?

Look at you,
you're literally aglow.

- You're aglow.
- No, even if I was,
which I'm not...

- I'm not saying I am.
- You are.

It doesn't matter.

I'm not...

I can't date anyone,
you know that.

No, I don't know that.
Why can't you?

Maybe because
the actual mechanics of it
don't suit my talents?

The--

Like, swapping bodily fluids
is my idea of hell.

And also, when you date people,

they say stuff like,
"What are you thinking?"

And you're supposed to say,
"I'm thinking
about you, darling."

But you're actually thinking
about how cows
literally could not survive

without the microbiota
in their guts.

Which means,
cows sort of don't exist
as independent life forms,

but you can't say that
because it'll seem weird.

So, you're forced to choose
between lying
and seeming weird.

I mean, I think that's
a great icebreaker for your
future date with Davis.

I'm--

Look, it is definitely weird,
but in the best kind of way.

Like you, Holmsey.

You know what? I bet that
if you guys actually kissed,

you would
not be thinking about--

Eighty million microbes.

Ooh.

What if his microbes
are better than yours?

Right?

Like, maybe
if you guys made out,
you'd get healthier.

Maybe.

What if you got
superpowers from his microbes?

Yes. Oh, my God.

"She was a normal girl
until she kissed a billionaire,

and then she became
'Micro Bianca...

- Queen of the Microbe!'"
- Shh! Stop! Stop!

"The greatest weapon
against stress is

our ability to choose
one thought over another."

William James.

What superpower
did William James have?

I can't choose my thoughts
like I can't choose my name.

With everyone snooping around
my family's business,

I think it's time
to shut this account down.

So, this is goodbye,
my friends.

Then again, uh,

no one ever says goodbye
unless they want
to see you again.

- Hey, Aza, how's it goin'?
- Hey.

It's good. Uh, what's up?

Listen, I don't wanna mess up
our friend group,

because it's really great
and I don't wanna
make anything weird,

but do you think--

And you can...
you can totally tell me no

and I won't be
offended or anything.

- Uh...
- But--

I... I don't really think
I can date anyone right now.

Uh, this is awkward.

I was gonna ask

if you think Daisy would
wanna go out with me

or if that's crazy?

But I mean,
you're great, too, Aza.

- You know--
- Yes, yes, that's...
that's a good idea.

I mean, you should talk to her,
not me,

but by all means, go for it.

This is embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed right now.

No, no, no. I mean,
you're beautiful, too, Aza.

It's just, you know,
I've known her since--

Mmm. No. It's good. We're good.

I guess it makes sense.

He's been pining over me
for months.

Really?

How do you know?

Because I have eyes.

So, what are you gonna say?

I'm down.

Figure one date can't hurt.

And now, me and Mychal
can go out with you and Davis.

We'll all wind up
back at the castle,

I'll sneak off and snoop around
while you and Davis...

Boom-diddy-boom-boom.

Hey.

What is...

It's porn music.

Okay.

Even if I agree
to go along with this,
Davis didn't ask me out.

Aza, you don't have
to wait for a boy
to ask you out.

What are you, a handmaiden?

Just text him. Tell him that
some friends
are getting together

for burgers this weekend.

Trust me,
he's going to say yes.

- We're texting him now.

- 7:00 work?
- Yeah, sure.

P.M.? Or do you think
he knows that it's--

I mean,
it's not like breakfast.

Okay.

Breezy, very breezy.

- Did he answer really fast?
- Yeah.

- What do we wear?
- Evening gowns. Duh.

Hey, have you ever gotten
a dick pic?

Uh...

I mean, I've seen one.

Of course you've seen one.

I'm asking
if you've ever received
a dick pic totally unsolicited.

- Like, as a form
of introduction.
- Oh.

Like, "Hey, nice to meet you.
I'm a penis."

Uh-huh.

Yeah, no. I haven't.

A fan literally sent me one.

It's just like,
what is the thought process?
You know?

"I really enjoyed
this story you wrote

about Rey and Chewbacca's
romantic adventure

- scavenging
a Tul'kar's spaceship."

"So, as a thank you
to the author,

here's a photograph
of my disembodied,
flaccid penis."

- Hi, guys.

Hey.

What are you lookin' at?

- Social media.
- We're just... Social media.

- Social media platforms.
- Social media. Social media.

Did they change
the dress code at Applebee's?

Hilarious.

- We're going on a double date.
- Daisy.

What? It's not a secret.

Shit, was it a secret?

With who?

- Mychal and Davis.
- Davis Pickett?

Yep. Okay, bye, Mom.

Okay, okay.

You look beautiful.
I love the lipstick.

- Ooh.

Lose the lipstick.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, what's goin' on?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- How are you?

Hi.

Ooh. Not yet.

- You guys come here a lot?
- Bro,
they're regulars.

Where else can you get
a shrimp wonton,
a chicken parm,

and a quesadilla
in one fell swoop?

Can we get a round
of Dr Peppers, please?

Oh, Davis, Davis, Davis,
soft drinks aren't covered

- by the coupon.
- I think we can splurge.

That's your favorite, right?

Do you remember that?

So, uh, Mychal just submitted
one of his portraits

to be in this big
pop-up art show they're doing
in these abandoned tunnels.

Well, that's awesome.

Yeah, I... I don't think
I'm gonna get selected, though.

You definitely will.

- You're so talented...

You're sweating,
and everyone can tell
you're sweating.

They probably think
you're just a sweaty freak.

Aza, what's it like
to be friends
with a literary icon?

Aw, I don't think
80,000 readers
makes me an icon.

Besides, Aza has
never read my fanfic.
She's not a Star Wars girl.

Did you even
change the Band-Aid today?

Yes, I did.

Are you sure?

Right, Holmsey?

Say something. Anything.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Plus y'all both got
other similar interests, right?

- Like...
- Yeah.

There's no reason not
to change the Band-Aid.

Just go change it
and be done with it.

We also
really like Applebee's.

Be right back.

Anyway.

It's infected. You're infected.

Bacteria are multiplying
inside of you right now.

Do something.
Do something. Do something.

Hey, I'm just checking on you.

Does this look infected to you?

It looks exactly the same
as every other time
you've shown it to me.

- He must think
I'm really crazy.
- No, he doesn't.

Aza, I swear to God,
he's so smitten,

you could literally
start peeing out of your ears

and he would still be into you.

Look, he invited us all over
to hang out, but if that's
too much for you...

No. Let's go.

Okay. Good.

'Cause I'm gonna Nancy Drew
the shit outta that mansion.

- Okay. Welcome.
- Yo, what?

Oh, my God! Yo, bro,
is that a Keith Haring?

Then you got Picasso,
and then you got Basquiat!

Nah. Wait...

- Did I just echo?

Bro, that's crazy. Wait,
hold on, hold on. Basquiat.

- Basquiat.

Hey, yo, Basquiat.
Oh, that's tough.

- Okay. Mychal, breathe.
- Ba-- Sorry.

- Can we show ourselves around?

Daisy!

No, I mean... I...

Let's be honest,
we're all dying to get some
alone time anyway, right?

- Yeah, sure. Do whatever.
- Wait, like, for real?

- Like, we could--
- He said do whatever.

Bet.

And what's this one?

It's a Raymond Pettibon.

He's most famous
for his paintings of surfers,

but I like his spirals.

He was a musician
before he was an artist.

He was in Black Flag
before it was even Black Flag.

I love it.

You don't talk much,
do you?

I can get a little stuck
in my head.

Just say
what you're thinking.

That's not something
I normally do.

- Do you really want to know?
- I do.

I was thinking that, deep down,
I'm just an organism

in this vastness.

It kind of terrifies me
that what I think of

as, like,
my quote unquote "self"
isn't really under my control.

What do you mean?

There's this parasite.

It only grows
in the eyes of fish,

but the only way
it can reproduce, is inside
the stomach of a bird.

Once the parasite
is ready to mate,

the infected fish suddenly
starts swimming
to the surface of the water.

The fish are literally trying
to get themselves
eaten by a bird.

Eventually, they succeed.

The parasite
was in charge all along.

Sometimes I feel like a fish.

Not in control of my body.

Not in control of my thoughts.

I like the way
your brain works.

It hums.

Where'd you learn that?

This philosophy professor,
Lucia Abbott.

I've watched her TED talk,
like, a dozen times.

She teaches at Northwestern.

I have this stupid dream
of going there
and taking her class.

Why is that a stupid dream?

I mean,
it's insanely expensive.

And then there's the whole
living in Chicago part,

which... would be new for me.

New things aren't exactly
my strong suit.

Well, I'm sort of a new thing,

and you're doin' fine with me.

You're old-new.

It's different.

"Old-new."

I like that.

If you kiss him,
you'll get his bacteria
in your mouth.

His bacteria
will make you sick.

What are you thinking?

You really wanna know?

I do.

Okay.

I was thinking...

"I hope
she's not after the reward."

Davis, I'm not.

- I swear.
- Aza.

I know why you guys
were in the woods
the other day.

You were looking
for the camera, right?

I checked it, too.

Got a photo of him leaving
with a duffel bag.

I never actually
cared about the reward.

Daisy and I were just--

I just realized...

this is an entirely
solvable problem.

What are you doing?

One second.

- Are you into lizards?
- Hmm?

Oh, no, my dad is.

Although, that is not a lizard.
That's a tuatara.

What is that?

I don't know, some leftover
from 200 million years ago

that my dad believes
holds the secret to longevity.

You can learn all about it

at the Pickett Center
for Tuatara Research,

which is a real thing
that he's leaving
most of his estate to.

- That is insane.
- Do you know what's worse?

The money doesn't even go
to taking care
of the damn thing.

It pays for studying its cells
with all sorts
of horrible experiments.

This is for you.

Oh.

Thank you.

Promise me you won't open it
till you get home.

And if you still wanna see me,
give me a call.

Or a text,
or whatever people say
that sounds casual and smooth.

Okay.

I should
probably go find Daisy.

It's getting late.

Daisy?

Daisy?

Mychal?

Hey.

Hey, we were just, um...

- Uh, we were, we were...
- Um...

...we were looking for you!

- Mmm-hmm. Right.

You weren't in here.

Found us.

- You ready to go?
- Yeah.

- Great.
- Let me see...

Aza, you're home late.

I know. Sorry. Traffic.

- I want to hear
about your date.
- I'm changing.

Good night. Talk to you
in the morning. I love you.

I'm so glad you're here.
Holmsey, I have a lot to say.

Shocker. Listen--

First, I'm sorry
to ditch you last night.
Very uncool.

That's totally fine. Daisy--

Second, I know, I know, I know.

I convinced you to come
so that we could snoop,

and then I didn't even snoop.

But Mychal is kind of amazing.

- And I want
to hear all about it, but--
- Mmm, mmm.

The first room
that we wandered into

had a fireplace
with a remote control.

And then the next thing I know,
we were cuddled up
on this couch

that was also, like,
a literal work of art.

And I don't...
One thing led to another
and I just let him, I let him--

Daisy!

Look. Look inside.

Oh, I'm more
of a frosted blueberry
kind of girl.

Just look inside.

What in the shit is this?

Davis gave it to me.

I'm not sure
if it really makes sense,
or if it's ethical. I don't--

Oh, no, no, no.

For once in your life,
Aza, do not overthink this.

Oh.

Should I have not come here
to tell you you're rich?

It's okay, I can just
hold on to your half.

Wait!

Half of this is mine?

There's 50 grand
for each of us.

- Oh! Ooh!

Do you actually think
we can keep it?

Hell yes, we can keep it!

Holmsey, I am so done
with the idea

that there is, like, nobility
in turning down money.

This is gonna change our lives.

I'm actually gonna go
to college. Not at night.

Well, it's not enough to pay
for all of college.

Yeah, I know that,
Queen Buzzkill.

But it'll make paying
for college
a hell of a lot easier.

Aza, you can put this
towards Northwestern.

My mom can't know
about this money.

Duh, my parents
would make me split it
with my sister.

No. No. No!

Now, I need you to just accept
that the universe

is being awesome
with us right now

and lean the eff in.

- I'll try.
- Ooh.

Let's go get the finest meal
Indianapolis has to offer.

Hi, Holly.

Two red wines, please.
We're celebrating.

- Yeah, nice try.
- Okay.

Uh, fine,
what is your best steak?

The shrimp and parm sirloin
is our most popular.

Woof. Okay.

Uh, I will get
my usual blazin' Texan burger,

but I would like to upgrade
my side to onion rings.

And, yes,
I know that it's extra.

- And you?
- A veggie burger.

Uh, no tomatoes,
cheese, mayonnaise, onions--

Yeah, I know your order.

- Do you have a coupon?
- No.

Not today, Holly. Not today.

Um...

What is that?

Oh.
Isn't he fabulous?

I'm naming him Liam.

I thought we were saving
the money for college.

We are. Most of it.

But I talked
the car salesman down
to $8,400 from $10,000,

so in a way, I made money.

In no way
did you make any money.

But you already had a car.

- I'm just saying.
- Okay.

Oh. Mychal
got into that art show.
It's in a couple weeks.

I know that dirty tunnels
might be a lot for you,

but is there any way
that you could come with me?

Um... Maybe.

Aw.

Mychal wants to meet up
before homeroom.

Ugh! I love how into me he is.

Now, how I'mma capture
the curve of your face
if you keep moving?

Girl, hold still.

You hold still.

That doesn't
even make any sense.

Holding still.

♪ Wondering, headshake ♪

♪ Tired eyes
Are the death of me... ♪

♪ Mouthful of toothpaste ♪

♪ Before I got to know you ♪

♪ I've got your face ♪

♪ Hung up high
In the gallery... ♪

Ow!

Aza, can you at least
pretend to play?

Sorry, Mr. Adler.

All right, everybody,
let's get back at it.

♪ My eyes want you more
Than a melody... ♪

Mom.

♪ Let me inside ♪

♪ Wish I could
Get to know you ♪

Mom?

- Stop it.

- You're terrible!
- Hi.

Hey, honey.

This is Evan,
my friend Debbie's brother.

Um, you must be Aza.

I've heard such great things
about you.

Evan is a contractor.

He came by after work
to see if we could turn
the garage into a bedroom.

Why do we need a new bedroom?
We never have any guests.

Actually, I was thinking
maybe you'd like it.

- For the future.
- Like, when I'm in college?

I'll get out of you guys' way.

It's nice
to finally meet you, Aza.

- I'll see you later.
- Thank you.

Bye.

- You want me
to live in the garage?
- No.

I mean, yes,
but it wouldn't be a garage.

We'd make it into more
of your own apartment.

So, you think I'm too crazy
to live away from home?

Aza, it was just an idea.

I was trying
to get a sense of the costs.

And IU is close by
and it's such a good school--

Got it.

I'm going over
to Davis' tonight.
He's picking me up.

I feel like
we're back at camp,
sitting at the lake.

You see that bright star
up there?

The one kind of by itself.

Yeah, I think so.

Well, that's Tau Ceti.

It's 12 light-years away,

and two of its planets
might actually be habitable.

- Well, probably not, but maybe.

It's my favorite star.

Why is that?

I like to look at it

and think about how
the Sun's light looks
to someone

in Tau Ceti's solar system.

And right now, they're looking
at our light from 12 years ago.

In the light they see,
my mom has five years to live.

In the light they see,
you and I are just kids.

In the light they see,

my dad just got me
my first tricycle.

We go to the park,
he watches me ride,

and he tells me
I'm going so fast,
he can barely see me.

In the light they see,

we have the best
and worst of it
in front of us.

Hey, how come
it's so easy for me
to talk to you?

I don't know.

Maybe because
our hearts are broken
in the same places.

You wanna go for a swim?

- Turn around.
- Okay.

Okay, you can look now.

Hi.

Hi.

Do you have any big exams
or anything Wednesday?

No.

Why?

I was kind of hoping
I could convince you
to skip school.

I wanna take you somewhere.

Where?

It's a surprise.

He's cute and smart.

And not just because
he goes to a fancy prep school.

He makes me feel like
I'm an acceptable girl
to have a crush on.

And you don't feel that way
about yourself?

I mean, I'm still crazy,
if that's what you're asking.

Nothing's changed
on the crazy front.

I would like to ask you
to frame your mental health

around a word
other than "crazy."

Um, can we try "courageous"?

God, that's
such a psychiatrist move.

Look, Aza,
plenty of people
with anxiety disorders

have fulfilling
romantic relationships.

Yeah, but how can I have
a boyfriend if I hate
the idea of kissing him?

Being intimate
with another person
is intimidating for everyone,

especially for someone
who has already lost
someone she loves.

What?

You don't have to make this
about my dad dying.

Not everything is about him.

But you being afraid
to get close to this boy,

I think it may be
a little bit about him.

He was better with me
than my mom.

He never made me feel broken.

He'd just tell me,

"You're right to worry.

Life is worrisome."

Uh, can we go back to talking
about the cute boy
again, please?

Aza, I have to be honest
with you.

I think your progress
is being slowed down

by your refusal
to take the medication
on a regular basis.

And I believe your chances
of having a relationship

with this cute, smart boy
will be hurt, too.

I just think it's messed up.

The idea of having
to take a pill
to become your real self.

And here I thought you said
you'd kill to have a mind
that lets go of things.

And you said my mind
is what makes me, me.

But it isn't my mind
on the pills.

It's a real catch-22, isn't it?

Someone's at the door.

Hey.

I'm, uh, here
to hang out with your brother.

Oh, yeah, I know.

He's been trying on
different outfits all morning.

Hey, Davis.
Your girlfriend's here.

- Oh, I'm...
I'm not his girlfriend.
- Sure.

Hey, can I show you something?

Davis said you and your friend
were trying to find my dad.

Oh, uh, no. Not really.

- Um, I mean, I--
- Uh, just check this out.

- A permission slip?
- Uh, look at the back.

That's his handwriting.

"Maldives,
Kosovo, Cambodia.

The Joggers Mouth"?

So, Davis says those
first three are countries
where people hide out

when they're wanted in America.

But I can't figure out
The Joggers Mouth.

Does it mean anything to you?

Uh...

No.

I'm really sorry, Noah.

Okay.

Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Um, I was thinking
really hard about

whether I can pull this
sweater off or not.

- I like it.
- No, you can't.

You ready to go?

- You have your own airplane?
- No, my father does.

But my father's not here, so...

- And you have
a full-time pilot, too?
- You're looking at him.

You can get your
pilot's license at 16, so...

Voila.

Aza, I'm kidding.

Meet Richard.

- He's a trained professional.

Oh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Howdy, Richard.

♪ Outside lies within... ♪

- You coming? Come on.

♪ Soft spring winds
Have blown... ♪

Oh. What!

♪ Let the note fly ♪

♪ East-West ♪

♪ I never dreamed
it could be like this ♪

♪ Takes a little time ♪

♪ Let the note fly ♪

♪ Hard time mantle of time... ♪

Lady and gentleman,

we will be touching down
in Chicago shortly.

Chicago?

Richard, it was supposed
to be a surprise.

What are we doing in Chicago?

- It's still a surprise.

♪ Honey, honey, I know ♪

♪ For what it's worth... ♪

You said you dreamed
of going to Northwestern,

but that new things
aren't really your strong suit.

So, I thought
if you saw the school,
it wouldn't be new anymore.

It'd be old-new.

Are we going on a campus tour?

Not exactly.

♪ Outside lies within ♪

♪ Peel the mandarin ♪

♪ Love has just begun ♪

♪ Somewhere
In space and time... ♪

Come on.

♪ Like a bank heist ♪

♪ It's the Zeitgeist ♪

I can't believe
Professor Abbott
is right there.

Okay.

We have 90 minutes.
Let's crack free will,
shall we?

You, eating Doritos.

Why?

Why?

Is it
because you were hungry

and you made that choice?

Is it because
advertising works?

Is it because there was only
ever going to be one world,

and everything
was predetermined
from the start,

and you were always gonna
take this class?

Well, in our reading,
there was that part

where Kant said,
"Freedom of the will
must be presupposed."

So, I suppose I could've
chosen any food,
but I chose Doritos.

You did the reading.
Wonderful news.

And if we just assume that Kant
was right, maybe we don't need
the full 90 minutes.

But Kant was writing about this
in the 18th century, right?

And now we have all these
fancy brain contraptions.

In 2008, volunteers were asked
to choose to push a button

with either their right hand
or their left hand.

And the researchers found
that they could predict
with 100% accuracy

which choice
the people would make

seven seconds
before the person believed
they'd made it.

So, I ask you again.

When did you decide
to eat Doritos?

And who made that choice?

I have no idea.

It's difficult
to define these terms.

- I need to take this class.
What constitutes

freedom of choice in a world
where our choices
are endlessly limited

and shaped by cultural forces?

I mean, she has a way
of taking these old,
dusty philosophical questions

and making them feel
so insanely relevant.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay.

Why are we hiding?

Because she's right there.

You should go
talk to her.

- What would I even say?
- Aza.

You got this.

Hi, Professor Abbott.

I wanted to introduce myself.

I'm Aza Holmes, and I'm...

a fan.

Are you a fan
of being my student?

No, I'm still in high school.
I'm just visiting today.

But you're the reason
I wanna go here.

I just think you're the most
brilliant person in the world.

Oh, well.

Thank you so much,
but I assure you
that's not the case.

It was nice to meet you.

Professor Abbott?

Yes?

I'm worried that I'm not real.

Why is that?

It's like what you said.

A lot of my thoughts
and behaviors don't even feel
like they're mine.

Like, they're not things
I want to think or do.

And then when I look
for the originator
of my thoughts, the real me,

I never find it.

You know those nesting dolls?

The ones that are hollow
and when you open them up,

there's a smaller one inside?

And you keep opening them
until eventually
you get to the smallest one,

and it's solid
all the way through?

But with me, I don't think
there's one that's solid.

I just keep getting
smaller and smaller.

That reminds me
of an old story.

Um...

There's this
very famous scientist,

and he's giving a lecture
on astronomy
to a large audience.

And he's describing
how the Earth orbits the Sun,

and the Sun orbits the galaxy,
etcetera, etcetera.

And when he's finally done,

a little old lady in the back
raises her hand and says,

"Professor, with
all due respect, what you've
just told us is bullshit.

The truth is, the Earth
is resting on the back
of a giant turtle."

So, the very famous scientist
gives a smug smile and says,

"So, what is the turtle
resting on?"

And the woman replies,

"It's resting on the shell
of another giant turtle,
of course."

And the scientist says,
"And that turtle?"

And the woman exclaims,
"Don't you understand?

It's turtles,
all the way down."

You're imagining the true self,

the self that exists
independent of circumstance,

as that turtle
on the very bottom of the pile.

But maybe it's turtles,
all the way down.

Maybe you're infinite.

And I think your doubts
make you more real, not less.

I think you'd do
just fine here, Aza.

So, how'd it go?

Ah.

His bacteria are joining
your bacteria right now.

It doesn't matter.

People kiss all the time.

Millions of his organisms
are entering
your body right now.

Hey.

Is everything okay?

Hmm.

Yeah, I'm just, uh...

Just a little nauseous.

Be right back.

- What were you thinking?

Everything was going perfectly
and you had to ruin it

by letting his tongue
into your mouth.

Why isn't it working?

You're infected.

You need to kill the bacteria
now, now, now.

Oh, shut up!

Kill it. Kill every last germ.

Kill his saliva.

You know what you need to do,
so do it. Just do it.

Aza, what's goin' on?

When I get
stuck in my thoughts,

it's not just the interesting
fish stuff I told you about.

Okay.

Bacteria scares me
more than anything.

I'm always worried
about getting infections,

and once I start worrying,
I can't stop.

That's why I liked
your painting so much.

Because my thoughts
are like that.

They're all, like, spirally.

So, right now
you're thinking about
whether you have an infection?

Kind of.

From kissing you.

We don't have to kiss.
We can just take things
really slow.

You don't understand.

It's not logical.

It's like
I'm living with a demon.

And maybe you don't care
right now, but you won't feel
that way forever.

But it's not forever.

It's now.

Oh, thank God.

- Where have you been?

Why haven't you been answering
your phone?

I was with Davis.

I see you at school
at the same time
every single day, Aza.

Did you seriously think
I wasn't gonna find out?

I don't know.
I guess I didn't care.

- Well, where'd you guys go?
- We went to Chicago.

To Chicago?

What the hell
were you doing in Chicago?

He didn't kidnap me.
I wanted to go.

Well, I don't care
if you wanted to go.

What if something happened
to you and I didn't even know
where you were?

Or what if you got in your head
and you needed me
to calm you down?

You think you calm me down?

How, Mom?

Do you know why Davis took me
to Chicago today?

To see Northwestern.

Because he actually thinks
that I can go to school
on my own

in another state.

He thinks that I can study
what I wanna study,

and live in a dorm
with the other kids.

And maybe he's wrong.
Maybe I can't.

But do you know
how good it feels to finally
have someone in my life

who thinks I can?

- Aza!

"Chewie and I were
on Tatooine where we'd stopped
to pick up some cargo.

Of course, Ayala was with me.
My best friend
and my greatest burden."

"Ayala reached into her mane
of blue hair
and plucked out a strand.

A nervous habit, but then,
all her habits were nervous."

"Ayala never got
anything right.

The more Ayala worried,
the worse she made everything."

"Ayala sneered
at my new Speeder Bike.

'I thought you were
saving your money.'

Ayala had a Landspeeder
from her parents.
What did she know?

Ayala wasn't a bad person.
Just a useless one."

- Holmsey!

Where have you been all day?

Can I ride with you
to Mychal's later?
My mom had to borrow my car.

And I need the deets
on your date.

I just don't get it.

He whisks you away to Chicago.

You have the most romantic day
in the history of ever.

Now you don't want
to see him anymore?

Something else
must've happened.

Did you guys do it?

No. I told you
nothing happened.

Yeah, but that doesn't make
any sense. I'm sure that--

I screwed it up?

What?

No.

You barely even
changed my name.

You read my fanfic?

Yes, I read your fanfic!

You're my best friend.
You didn't think
maybe I'd read it?

No, I didn't.

Because I've been writing them
since I was 11,

and you've never read
a single one.

What? You never asked.

I shouldn't have to ask.

Other people's best friends
would just

take a little break
from endlessly contemplating

the inner workings
of their own mind to think
about other people's interests.

I came up with Ayala
in seventh grade.

And, yeah, it was a dick move,

but maybe it was my way
of coping with having
a best friend who's...

Look, Mychal says that
you're like mustard, right?

Like, you're awesome
in small quantities,
but a lot of you is a lot.

Got it.

I mean, have you ever stopped
to think about
what it's like for me?

I constantly have your back
and you never have mine.

You're right.

All our friendship
has gotten you lately

is 50 grand and a boyfriend.

But you won't even come with me
to his art show.

Other people's
best friends would...

I mean, I know that you have
mental problems and whatever,

but they make you
extremely self-centered.

I am not self-centered!

What are my parents' names?

What are their jobs?

What's my middle name?

Do I have any pets?

You're just so
pathologically uncurious

that you don't even know
what you don't know.

- You have a cat.
- Yes.

Congratulations, Aza,
I have a cat.

I've had her since I was five.
What's her name?

- I don't know.
- No, you have no clue.

You have no idea
what it's like for me,
because you never ask.

I mean, you think
you and your mom
are poor or whatever,

but you got braces, and a car,
and an iPad, and all that shit.

Do you think that
it's just normal

to have a house
with your own room in it?

And a mom who helps you
with your homework?

I mean, your privileges
are like oxygen to you, Aza.

And then you judge me
for buying a car instead of
saving it all for college.

And I try not to care,
and I try to be
understanding because--

Stop talking!

Jesus Christ, you haven't
shut up in ten years!

I'm sorry if it's hard
hanging out with me,

but imagine actually being me!

Imagine being stuck in my head
all the time

with no break, no way out!

I'm sorry that--

And to use Mychal's clever
little analogy.

Imagine eating
nothing but mustard!

Being stuck
with mustard all the time!

Okay, I shouldn't have
said that.

And if you hate me so much
then why don't you
just stop asking me--

Watch out!

Are you okay?

I think so.

Are you?

You're hurt.

Aza, stop.

- Stay still.

Aza!

No, no, no.

No.

Hey.
Are you all right?

It's ruined.

My dad's car.

Honey, I've been
doing this for a long time,

and I can promise, your dad's
not gonna be mad at you.

I need help!

Hey, kiddo.

You're in the hospital,
but everything's gonna be okay.

I love you so much.

Mmm, is... Is Daisy okay?

They gave her some stitches
on her forehead,

but she's gonna be fine.

I ruined Harold.

I know, baby.

Dad loved that car.

Dad loved you.

Am I okay?

You have a lacerated liver,

but the internal bleeding
is mild.

- I'm bleeding inside?
- Just a little.

The good news
is you don't need surgery.

- They just wanna monitor you...

...for a few days.

What?

No.

- No, I can't stay here, Mom.
- Aza.

Please, please just
do something.
I can't stay here.

I have to go home.

I'm gonna get C. diff
if I stay.

- You don't have C. diff.
- I probably

already have C. diff.

No, you don't have C. diff.

Hospitals are where
people get it, okay?

I can't stay here, Mom.

- I can't stay here!
- Aza! Aza!

- Your liver is bleeding!
We can't go home.
- I have...

But I'll be with you
the whole time.

- I promise.
- I have to go. I have to go--

C. diff is
invading your body right now.

It's all around you.

You're infected.

You're full of bacteria
colonizing you.

It's all colonizing you,
and you can't stop it.

You can't.

You can't have a boyfriend.
You can't go to college.

You can't have a job.

You can't even control
your own brain.

You can't.
You can't. You can't.

You know how to deal with this.

It's the only way.
It's the only way.

Come on, kill it.
Kill the infection.

You have to.
You have to. You have to.

Please, please think
about something else.

Mmm!

I hate being stuck inside you!

You wanna feel better?
You know how to feel better.

It'll just make me sick.

Do you wanna die of C. diff?

This is not rational.
Your now is not your forever.

Kill the infection!
Kill it! Kill it now!

Please, let me go.

- Please, I'll do anything.

You can have this body.
I don't want it anymore.

I am my way, I am not my will.
I am my way, not my will.

- You'll never be free of this.

- You're possessed by a demon!

Do you want to die
of fucking C. diff?

No! Because you will.

I will. You will.

- Aza! No, no,
what are you doing?

No, stop that.

- Stop it. Aza, stop that!
- You're disgusting.

- You make me sick.
- Help. Nurse!

- Stop it.
- You're not possessed
by a demon.

You are the demon.

You want some breakfast?

Mmm-mmm.

My stomach hurts.

They had to pump it.

You can probably guess
who that's from.

I called Dr. Singh.

Please don't be mad at me.

I just
didn't know what to do.

I'm not mad.

Thank you, Mom.

How are you feeling?

Well...

not great.

I think it would be good
for you to start seeing me
more regularly.

I don't want you left alone
with your thoughts
for too long.

- Okay.
- Good.

I also think we should give
exposure response therapy
another try,

and... and we can take it slow.

But, Aza, you have to take
your medication.

Or we find another medication
that works better for you

that you are willing to take,
as prescribed.

- None of them have worked.
- None of them have worked yet.

♪ We're here because ♪

♪ We're here because ♪

♪ We're here because
We're here ♪

♪ We're here because ♪

♪ We're here because
We're here ♪

♪ We're here because ♪

♪ We're here because
We're here ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm sorry it took so long
for me to reach out.

It's okay.

I just-- I needed some time.

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

I talked to your mom
a few times.

And she was
actually really nice
about keeping me updated...

- Maybe you could
kiss him.

It'll be different.

- No, no, no. Don't kiss him.

You'll get sick.
You'll have to go back
to the hospital.

Then you'll get C. diff.
You'll have to go back
to the hospital.

- Then you'll get C. diff.
- How are you feeling?

Are you there?

Uh, yeah.

- Sorry.
- I asked how you were feeling.

Good.

Generally.

Uh...

Not so good right now, though.

Could you, um, maybe
sit across from me instead?

I was hoping I'd be better.

I've been taking my meds
and working with Dr. Singh.

I thought...

maybe, uh,
I could even kiss you.

I think I am better.

But I guess I'm just not...

better enough.

Maybe we could text?

I just...

I need to be liked up close.

- Hey, how was Davis?

Fine.

Come here.

You know, when you first
started having thought spirals,
I was so confused.

You'd been
such a happy little girl,

and, suddenly, you were
so scared of everything.

And I... I couldn't
make you feel better.

But your dad got me through it.

This sounds crazy,
but he'd make me stare
at my reflection in the mirror

and tell myself all the things
I did right that day, out loud.

And it worked.

For those few minutes
before bed,

I actually felt okay.

He was the one person

that made me feel good
at being your mom.

And now, he's gone,

and I can't calm myself down.

So, I just go about my day,

terrified that something bad's
gonna happen.

Terrified that I'm failing you.

But you're not.

Okay.

I can do it if you want.

The mirror thing.

We can do that together.

No, that's okay.

Oh, thank God.

Us doing that
sounded really weird.

Aza, when the garage is redone,

we'll rent it out
to help pay for your tuition.

- Really?
- You will go to college
wherever you want.

You know why?

Because you never give up.

That's one of the things
I love about you.

No matter how scared you are,
you never stop trying.

Um...

Mom, I need to borrow your car.

Davis said
he needs to be liked up close,
and I can't do that right now,

but I'm gonna like
my best friend up close,

even if it kills me.

Hey, while we're telling
each other things,

when Davis and I first started
hanging out,
he gave me $50,000.

It either goes to me
or a tuatara,

so I'm putting it
towards Northwestern, okay?

Great. Bye.

Wha...

You need
to be here for Daisy.

You need to be here.
You need to be here.
You need to be here.

- Hey, Aza.
- Hi.

Uh, I guess I assumed
you weren't coming.

Oh, and I...

And I'm so sorry
about the accident
and your liver.

Oh, I'm fine.

This is awesome.

I mean, I don't understand art,
but even I can tell
that it's awesome.

I don't know about that,
but thank you. Really.

- For coming.
- I wanna be
a supportive friend.

It's this new thing I'm trying.

How's the liver?

De-lacerated.

How are you?

Oh, I got off easy.

Although, you'd never know it
by how Mychal
is acting.

He named all six of my stitches
and wrote them each
individual love poems.

I'm really sorry, Daisy.

You deserve the most amazing,
supportive, attentive friend
in the world.

Not one who almost killed you
in a car crash.

Jesus, Holmsey.

You can sure hold a grudge
against yourself.

If you can't tell,
I've already forgiven you.

And I'm sorry about Ayala.

You don't have to be.

Yeah.

I do.

Yes, you can be exhausting,
but you are not like mustard.

You're the most
fascinating person
I've ever known.

I love you.

- I want to be buried
next to you.

We'll have a shared tombstone.

It'll read, "Holmsey and Daisy.
They did everything together.

- Except the nasty."

Mmm.

I'm not like mustard,
but maybe
I'm like Indianapolis.

They had this shit river,

but they worked
with what they had.

And they managed to build
an okay city around it.

Not a great city, but not bad.

A B-minus.

Well, I think
you're at least a B-plus.
You and this city.

This skyline.

These tunnels.

This bridge.

This sewage.

This tire,
this cinder block, this...

- I don't know, what are those?
- Wait, Daisy.

- Go back, go back, go back!
- What?

Isn't that...

Pogue's Run.

Daisy, the spot where
a river ends,

- isn't it called...
- A mouth?

This is The Joggers Mouth.

What?

It was something Pickett
scribbled down
right before escaping.

What's that?

A note to Davis and Noah.

The worst kind of note.

Do you think he jumped?

Should we call the cops?

I don't want him to find out
from some random detective.

So, how do I look?

Um, like you're
trying to get lucky.

- What? Is it too much?
Should I change?
- Mom, no. You look amazing.

And by "amazing" she means hot.

Ooh! Get it!

Uh, tell Evan if he doesn't
get you home by 11:00,
you're in big trouble.

Big trouble.

Well, you are far too young
to be my date.

Hi, Mrs. Holmes.

Is Aza here?

Davis.

I stole it
from a lizard for you.

Thank you.

Aza, Noah and I are moving.

Where?

Colorado.

Noah got into a special school
out there.

We just need a fresh start

after everything.

When are you leaving?

Tomorrow.

You're a good brother.

It's a funny phrase, isn't it?

"In love."

You don't get to be
in anything else.

In friendship, or in hope.

All you can be in, is love.

I think if I don't
go now, I'll never leave.

Okay.

Goodbye, Aza.

Maybe he'll be back.

Yeah.

Maybe.

"No one ever says goodbye
unless they wanna
see you again."

Daisy?

Yeah.

Do you think I'll ever be able
to actually be with someone?

Yes.

I think you will.

I think you, Aza Holmes,

will have a very full life.

I think you'll go to college
and study whatever you want.

And you'll have a career.

One that you're proud of.

And I think
you will be with someone.

Someone great.

I think you, Holmsey,

will have
an incredible love story.

I even think you'll have
a family of your own one day.

You're gonna make
a whole damn life for yourself.

I know it.

But I don't want to lie to you.

I think
it'll be hard sometimes.

I think, sometimes,
you'll see that life unbuilt.

But you'll always rebuild it.

And you will never be alone.

I promise.

Because you will always love
and be loved.

And love is both

how you become a person
and why.

Love, Holmsey,

is how you become real.

♪ Never in or out ♪

♪ Indecisive ♪

♪ Never did I think
I'd be doing this alone ♪

♪ Now we're upside down ♪

♪ Blinded ♪

♪ I'll admit defeat
I can barely sleep at all ♪

♪ I'd walk on water
If I could ♪

♪ To be loved
To be understood ♪

♪ What's it worth
Was it for the good? ♪

♪ For the good ♪

♪ I'm not perfect
But I'm trying ♪

♪ Pick my moment
Then I'll dive in ♪

♪ I've had my fair share
Of mistakes ♪

♪ So for now
It's far too late ♪

♪ I'll wait until
The tide's in ♪

♪ If it's all about
The timing ♪

♪ I don't feel enough
What's the need
To rush for now? ♪

♪ I see clouds
Without a silver lining ♪

♪ When I hesitate
Nothing ever lets me down ♪

♪ I'd walk on water
If I could ♪

♪ To be loved
To be understood ♪

♪ What's it worth
Was it for the good? ♪

♪ For the good ♪

♪ I'm not perfect
But I'm trying ♪

♪ Pick my moment
Then I'll dive in ♪

♪ I've had my fair share
Of mistakes ♪

♪ So for now
It's far too late ♪

♪ I'll wait until
The tide's in ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I'll wait until
The tide's in ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Dive in ♪

♪ Water ♪

♪ Dive in ♪

♪ Even when times
Get difficult ♪

♪ Water ♪

♪ Dive in ♪

♪ Even when times ♪

♪ I'm not perfect
But I'm trying ♪

♪ Pick my moment
Then I'll dive in ♪

♪ I've had my fair share
Of mistakes ♪

♪ So for now
It's far too late ♪

♪ I'll wait until
The tide's in ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ I'll wait until ♪

♪ I'll wait until
The tide goes in ♪

♪ Water ♪

♪ Dive in ♪

♪ Oh, dive in ♪

♪ Water ♪

♪ Dive in ♪

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