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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:03,086 There's no escaping it. 2 00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:05,339 The problem... 3 00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:08,091 Is me. 4 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,676 Everyone gasps — and now... 5 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:12,346 I have to leave you. 6 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,681 Forever. — chidi: Michael... 7 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:17,434 You can't be the problem. 8 00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:18,852 Oh, but I am. 9 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,522 You see, architects aren't supposed to live 10 00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,690 in the neighbourhoods they design. 11 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:27,569 But I love humans so I wanted to try. 12 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:32,157 I took something great and I ruined it a little so I could enjoy it more. 13 00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:34,451 I "frozen—yoghurted" the neighbourhood. 14 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:39,248 My meddling is the one true constant in all of our disasters. 15 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:45,754 I tried to force jianyu into opening up, which caused a sinkhole to open up. 16 00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:50,968 I kicked a puppy into the sun, and garbage rained down. 17 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,805 I grossly underestimated the number of shrimp needed 18 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:55,968 for the opening night party 19 00:00:56,348 --> 00:01:01,103 and what flew through the sky the next day, taunting me for my failures? 20 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,730 Michael: I'm sorry, everyone, I'm truly sorry. 21 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:05,566 Janet? — Janet beeps 22 00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,944 please call a train to escort me into retirement. 23 00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,030 You see, the only way in and out of a neighbourhood 24 00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:16,201 is by train and Janet is the only one who can operate them. 25 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:20,497 Oh, my dear Janet. Will you be okay after I leave? 26 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:24,251 Yes. This will not affect me in any way. 27 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,169 Geez, show some compassion! 28 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:31,925 Well, I can't feel "sad" but here's my best approximation of human crying. 29 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,971 Bah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah! 30 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,223 Ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah! 31 00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:45,397 Oh, Janet. That was beautiful. — yeah. 32 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,824 What did you say to him? Did you make him do this, somehow? 33 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:58,493 Nope! This was entirely his idea. 34 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:00,454 Dude, this is good news. 35 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:04,207 Michael's gonna get a chill retirement which, frankly, he desperately needs 36 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:06,126 and I can finally relax. 37 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,962 It's forking perfect! — no, it's terrible. 38 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,465 Michael's wrong, he's not the problem. 39 00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,425 Well, Michael did bring me here 40 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,094 which was the mistake that led to all the other problems 41 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:20,057 so in that sense he is the real problem. 42 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,392 Ha! How do you like them ethics? 43 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,895 I just "ethics—ed" you in the face, chidi! 44 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,230 It doesn't change the fact that we weren't truthful. 45 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:32,694 There's an old Chinese proverb "lies are like tigers, they are bad." 46 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,238 That's it? — It's more poetic in mandarin. 47 00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,991 Look. Michael is retiring. 48 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:42,079 He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere smoking moonbeam cigars. 49 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,582 Now, tahani is throwing him a goodbye party. Let's go help out. 50 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:49,252 Sure, that will more than make up for the pain and misery and lying. 51 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,837 Yes! Now you're getting it! 52 00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:57,886 Hey, chidi! Just read your article on logical positivism, so dry. 53 00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,137 Oh, thanks, Henry. 54 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,264 Whoa. New boots? 55 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,391 Oh! Yeah! 56 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:05,936 Just got 'em. Saw them in the store and I was just like, "whoa!" 57 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,397 And tell the truth. Do you like them? 58 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,065 Oh. 59 00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,402 Oh, yeah. — yeah? You think so? 60 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,765 They're... they are really cool. 61 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:16,071 Not too red? — no. 62 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,322 Crystals are not too much. 63 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,550 Crystals are not too much. — they point just right, right? 64 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,034 Just... just enough. — just fine. Ha! 65 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:24,180 Well, that makes me feel so much better. 'Cause I was really going back and forth 66 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,682 over whether they were worth the money. 67 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,746 They were super expensive. 68 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,459 Yeah. Well, they're, uh... amazing. 69 00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,026 I mean those are the coolest boots I've ever seen in my life. 70 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,673 Thanks so much, buddy. — bye. 71 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,259 A bell tolls 72 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:40,262 my god. What have I done. 73 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,307 Tonight needs to be the perfect blend 74 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,685 of celebratory, reverential 75 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:50,063 bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless. 76 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,900 This is hashtag "tahani time"! 77 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,819 What is all this? 78 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:59,573 Oh, no! Michael, you're not supposed to see it until it's all set up. 79 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,408 But, well... 80 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,910 Welcome to your retirement party! 81 00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:07,205 Look over there. I've even set up a buffet of themed desserts, like 82 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:10,584 retire—mint chocolate cake... Or a "flan voyage!" 83 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,002 Oh, boy. — oh... 84 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,255 And here we have a pinata shaped like you, which is always fun. 85 00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:18,300 By the way, what's your favourite colour, for the tablecloths? 86 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:23,013 Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss." 87 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,681 Could you describe it? 88 00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:26,725 It's the colour of... — Michael sighs 89 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,480 when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time. 90 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,732 Hmm. How about blue? 91 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,818 Tahani, I'm so sorry. We need to cancel this party, immediately. 92 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,320 But why? 93 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:44,075 For a being like me, "retirement" is not something "fun." 94 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,787 What is "retirement," for you, exactly? 95 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,331 Well, I wasn't going to share this, so as not to upset you 96 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,959 but it's an extreme form of punishment. 97 00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,670 We call it "the eternal shriek." 98 00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:57,672 My soul will be disintegrated 99 00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,802 and each molecule be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. 100 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,553 And then my... 101 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,599 My "essence" will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle, 102 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,351 and poured over hot diamonds. 103 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,394 Oh, but, the diamonds sound lovely. — they're not. 104 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,522 Chidi groans — and then what's left of my body 105 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,566 will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a... 106 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,735 Like a pinata. — yes. 107 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,905 Except you have the string around my waist 108 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,825 but instead it will definitely be around my genitals. 109 00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,535 What? — oh, Michael... 110 00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:29,913 I'm so sorry. I was just trying to honour you. 111 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,957 Please allow me to reconceive the event. 112 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,083 Of course. 113 00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,545 All right, everyone! We're starting over! 114 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,047 The keyword for tonight is just "sombre." 115 00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,400 Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to get rid of all the party poppers 116 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:42,509 immediately. 117 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,094 No. No. Not by using them! 118 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,805 No, jianyu. Stop it. Darling. 119 00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:51,017 Eleanor: He's gonna be tortured? Dang it. 120 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,062 I was almost handed a perfect solution to all my problems 121 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,982 without having to work for it at all, and now it's gone. 122 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,109 Eleanor sighs: Why do bad things always happen 123 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:01,903 to mediocre people who are lying about their identities? 124 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:05,740 Okay, you have two options. You can confess, and save Michael. 125 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:10,287 Or you can continue to lie and condemn him to an eternity of unimaginable pain. 126 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,498 Or option "c", continue to lie about myself 127 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,500 and find a way to save Michael. 128 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,503 Can we somehow throw tahani under the bus? 129 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,673 That would be a classic two birds with one stone scenario. 130 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,259 Plus I'll get her house. Three birds. 131 00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,262 No. There's no way to stop this except confessing. 132 00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:31,057 Any moment now Michael is going to get on that train and we will never see him again. 133 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,893 Just like professor lindeman 134 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:36,187 after I asked him to re—read my thirty—six hundred—page manuscript. 135 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,457 He said he was going out for cigarettes 136 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,942 but then he just left his tenured position at the sorbonne. 137 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,403 Great story. Janet? 138 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:44,529 Janet beeps — hi there! 139 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,782 Hi. So, the only way out of the neighbourhood is a train? 140 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,619 That's correct. I am the only one who can call the train 141 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,120 and it needs me to operate. 142 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,747 Choo—choo! Janetlaughs 143 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,525 one more question and, um... This is a little weird, but... 144 00:06:56,875 --> 00:07:00,170 Can we, uh... shut you down? 145 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,379 Yes. Great question. 146 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,257 There is a kill switch in a remote sector of the neighbourhood 147 00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:07,510 in the event that I malfunction and attempt to harm the residents. 148 00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:10,013 If you press it, I will be destroyed. 149 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,183 Anything else? — no, that's good. Thanks. 150 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,645 Okay. — whoa. Wait. You want to kill Janet? 151 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,813 Michael can't retire if he can't leave. 152 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,025 He can't leave if there's no Janet to run the train. 153 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,277 It's a perfect solution. 154 00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:27,614 Eleanor sighs — Janet, high—five please? 155 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,758 Janet beeps — thanks, babe. 156 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:29,783 Janet beeps 157 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,370 you cannot kill Janet! 158 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:36,164 "Killing" is one of the most famous... 159 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,917 Moral no—nos. 160 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,878 Janet is a non—human object who was sent here to help us. 161 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,422 And the way she can help us is if we kill her. 162 00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:48,093 We're doing one, small, "murder—y" thing for a bigger, better reason. 163 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,595 The ends justify the means. 164 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,640 Do you know who said that? — was it someone nice and great 165 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:54,766 like Oprah? 166 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,687 It was machiavelli, a very non—oprah—like figure. 167 00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,439 And what happens after we kill her? We'll have to lie 168 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,150 to everyone, about what we did. 169 00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:07,487 And lying is always wrong. 170 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,157 Chidi groans 171 00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,661 why? Why would I tell Henry that I liked his boots? 172 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:16,621 I don't like his boots. I hate his boots. 173 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,457 Yes, I know, you've talked about it for the last two days. 174 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:20,750 I lied to him. 175 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,728 Allesandra sighs — you wrote your thesis on kant. 176 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:26,297 He believed that lying is always morally wrong, no exceptions. 177 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:31,511 Yes, well, kant was a lonely obsessive hermit with zero friends. 178 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,430 Sometimes we do things just to be polite. 179 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,658 If you really feel that strongly about it — chidi sighs 180 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,725 tell him the truth. 181 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,395 Also, I don't care, because it's the middle of the night. 182 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,064 Allesandra sighs 183 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,359 this is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors. 184 00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:48,862 They do? 185 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:53,700 Hey, chidi. Sit in on my class today? — uh, I... I did, yeah. 186 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:57,495 Great lecture, by the way, so bleak. — thanks, bud! 187 00:08:57,579 --> 00:09:00,999 Oh, it's actually perfect that you are here. I got something for you. 188 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,961 Oh, my god! — you loved mine so much 189 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,546 I decided to get you your own pair. 190 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,381 We can be boot brothers! 191 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,675 Wow. I... I can't accept these. They're too expensive. 192 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,469 Sure you can. Try 'em on, mate. 193 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,054 The fact that you liked mine so much 194 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,598 really made me fee like I made the right choice to buy them. 195 00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:20,643 After all, why should I have all the fun and boots, aye? 196 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:21,853 I... I... I don't know. 197 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:24,981 Those look great. 198 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:26,982 Take 'em for a spin. 199 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,153 Chidi groans — you're flying. 200 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:31,821 Chidi groans — thanks! 201 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:36,201 Tahani: Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone! 202 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,327 Michael? 203 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,412 Hmm? — as someone who didn't exactly have 204 00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,081 the steadiest parental guidance 205 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,751 I just want to thank you. You were always there for us. 206 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,754 I shouldn't have been, that was the problem. 207 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:52,383 Yes, but, it was also great when you weren't there. 208 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:55,136 Don't worry, soon I won't be, forever. 209 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,554 Because of the eternal shriek! 210 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,139 Yes, thank you Glenn. 211 00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,683 Look, what I'm trying to say is this... 212 00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:03,853 Michael, you always kept us warm and safe 213 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,648 like a bright glowing sun. 214 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,234 Like the one I kicked the dog into 215 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:13,363 or the one I'm going to be burned on the surface of for eternity? 216 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,866 Okay, no more speeches! Speeches are over! 217 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,368 Michael's going to talk now. 218 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,705 Michael sighs — oh, I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just... 219 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:28,169 I'm sad that I have to leave before doing all the human things 220 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,420 that I wanted to do. 221 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,841 I wanted to get my hair wet. You know, I... 222 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:37,846 I wanted to pull a hamstring, to learn the difference between 223 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,931 "toward" and "towards". 224 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,851 I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway 225 00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:47,522 and someone else is walking the other way, and then you both lean to one side 226 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:52,110 and then the other, and then you both chuckle over your shared foible. 227 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,696 Antonio laughs — Michael: I wanted to get a rewards card 228 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,156 any rewards card. 229 00:10:57,365 --> 00:11:00,702 I... I wanted to talk briefly to someone, and then say 230 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,328 "take it sleazy." 231 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,999 I wanted to eat a saltine. 232 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,961 Oh, I actually have some saltines! Here, try this. 233 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,173 Michael crunches 234 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:17,802 pretty dry... 235 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:19,971 And too salty. 236 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,516 Well, going out on a real low note, here. 237 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,185 Okay, bye, everyone. 238 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,061 Well, take it sleazy! 239 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,063 You got to say it? 240 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,191 Yes, but then you say it back. 241 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,902 No, it's not organic. 242 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,492 Janet, how many "Janets" have there been? 243 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:44,162 There have been twenty—five generations ofjanet 244 00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:48,416 each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities. 245 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,753 Fun fact, the first Janet had a click wheel. 246 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,214 So, it's like aging, for a human. 247 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,673 You're... you're growing up. 248 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,607 That's how I like to think of it, chidi. 249 00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:01,054 I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet 250 00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,847 I like to take a piece of birthday cake 251 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,183 and smash it around where my mouth is. 252 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:11,481 Janet has... has learned and grown, she's essentially living a life. 253 00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,359 We can't kill her. — not with that attitude we can't. 254 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:19,155 Listen man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. 255 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:20,907 Pay it forward! 256 00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,284 Uh, no... that's not what that means, at all. Eleanor! 257 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:25,828 Here we are! 258 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:29,332 Just press that button, and it's "goodbye, Janet!" 259 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:31,125 Chidi groans 260 00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,587 chidi, I can see that you're worried and I just want to assure you 261 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,632 I am not human, and I cannot feel pain. 262 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,217 Thank you. That helps. 263 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:43,179 However, I should warn you I am programmed with a fail—safe measure. 264 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,975 As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. 265 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:51,813 It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real. 266 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,482 Cool. So who's doing this, me or you? 267 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:55,692 Oh, uh, I... 268 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:59,028 I think I have to. Being a bystander seems worse, somehow. 269 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:00,863 Chidi sighs 270 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,323 okay, here we go. 271 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,535 Chidi, no, no, no. Chidi, please, please 272 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,287 please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! 273 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,650 Please, please... — chidi screams 274 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:12,709 again, I am not human. I can't die. 275 00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:18,381 I am simply an anthropomorphised vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier. 276 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:23,678 Your pleading seems so real! — Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail—safe. 277 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:27,348 Ugh. You want a robot killed right you have to do it yourself. 278 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,327 Eleanor, Eleanor, no, no, no, please, wait, wait, wait 279 00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:31,436 Eleanor, I have kids. 280 00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:37,066 I have three beautiful children Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny, baby Phillip. 281 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,830 Look at Tyler, Tyler has asthma, but he is battling it like a champ! 282 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,030 Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them. 283 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,781 Look at them! 284 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,105 Look at them! — Eleanor screams 285 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,161 ah! It's so realistic! — Eleanor, again, I am not human. 286 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,413 This is a stock photo of the crowd 287 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,707 at the nickelodeon kids choice awards. 288 00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:53,958 Eleanor sighs — that's right. 289 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:56,627 It's not real. Let's just do this. — right. 290 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,147 Please, I have so much to live for! No, no, no! 291 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,733 What? We're... we're not even near the... — hey guys, what's going on? 292 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:04,302 That party was lame, so I bailed. Then I saw you, so I followed you here. 293 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,971 Oh, look, a button! — no, don't no! 294 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,097 No, don't. 295 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,227 Power turns off 296 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:17,565 power thuds to a stop — Janet crashes to the ground 297 00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,692 aw, man! I wanted to push that button! 298 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,486 Not cool, dude. 299 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,113 Whoa, what happened to Janet? 300 00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,949 She's... she's dead. I... I... I killed her. 301 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:30,203 Not killed. Remember, Janet was not a living being 302 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,704 so she can't be killed. 303 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,374 Janet on screen: Attention. I have been murdered. 304 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,043 Attention, I have been murdered. 305 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,754 Attention, I have been murdered. 306 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,882 Attention, I have been murdered. 307 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,385 What do we do, Eleanor? 308 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,721 What do we do? Chidi, you just murdered Janet! 309 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:52,058 We have to flee your crime scene. Run! 310 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:56,104 Janet repeats her warning many times — sorry, Janet. 311 00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:03,277 Janet on screen: Attention, I have been murdered. 312 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,823 Okay, dude, crash course in getting away with bad stuff. 313 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,368 You have to act calm and cool, like you don't have a care in the world. 314 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:11,953 Chidi: Mm—hmm. — okay? Great. 315 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,082 Oh, wow, look, its "weekend at Bernie's" 316 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,251 use you're a dead guy in sunglasses. 317 00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,545 Eleanor laughs — we have fun, don't we, chidi? 318 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,940 I have never been more stressed out in my entire life. 319 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:26,300 I know what you need. — Janet, can you get chidi some weed? 320 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,346 Oh, that's right, you killed Janet! 321 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:34,058 Search—party! Follow me to the site of the alarm. 322 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:39,272 We will not rest until we avenge the brutal murder of our trusted sister! 323 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,274 Crowd shouts: Yeah! 324 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,526 Chidi cheers weakly: Yay. 325 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:50,908 Janet's arm thuds 326 00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:56,706 poor Janet. We must give her a proper send—off. 327 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,834 I would be honoured to help plan Janet's funeral. 328 00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:04,547 Oh, tahani, are you sure? I don't mean to add insult to injury 329 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:08,926 but my retirement party was a tiny bit gauche. 330 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,137 Oh, no! Not the "g" word. 331 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:14,348 Oh, Michael, please, please give me another chance. 332 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,560 It'll be the classiest event I have ever planned. 333 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,145 Janet's funeral is going to make 334 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:22,523 the guggenheim foundation pancreatic cancer summer classic 2009 335 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:26,611 look like the guggenheim foundation pancreatic cancer summer classic 2004! 336 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:28,613 All right. 337 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,368 Just breathe in. — Eleanor inhales 338 00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:36,120 breathe out. — Eleanor exhales 339 00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,830 think of your favourite things. 340 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,833 Ethics. Reading. 341 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,629 Drinking milk, after I take my lactose intolerance medication. 342 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,881 Quiet movies. Fitted bedsheets. 343 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,383 Cool seeds. A new bookmark. 344 00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,303 Unsalted almonds... — those are your favourite things? 345 00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:56,182 This is too much for me. I can't maintain this fiction. 346 00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,305 This is just too much for me, Eleanor. — chidi sighs 347 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,522 Michael: Well, Janet's been murdered. 348 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,608 That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. 349 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,528 I don't really know what happens now, because_. 350 00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,530 Janet has never been murdered before 351 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:16,285 only today, here, on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that... 352 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,913 Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want. 353 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,915 Michael, you mustn't blame yourself. 354 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,542 I'm not. I'm blaming you. 355 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:26,587 Anyway, what is there to say about Janet that hasn't already been said 356 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:31,842 by the giant Janet alarm in the sky? "I've been murdered." 357 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,388 I think that says it all. — Janet: Hello! 358 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:36,596 Crowd gasps 359 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,351 Janet! You're alive! 360 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:41,811 Hello! Architect, 361 00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:44,855 please enter your four—digit pin. 362 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,817 Uh, what is it... Um, what is it... 363 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:50,695 Oh right, right, right. It's my, uh, my birth year. 364 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,150 Oh boy, I gotta change that. That's too easy to guess. 365 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,911 Janet, who murdered you? 366 00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,515 Chidi groans: Oh, no. — Eleanor: Shh... 367 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,498 Hello! — yes, hello. 368 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:07,378 Oh, yeah, uh, her memory must have been wiped clean... 369 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,106 Eleanor sighs — Michael: So now she's gonna have to 370 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,757 re—upload all the knowledge in the universe 371 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,193 which will only take a few days. 372 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,260 Okay. — hello. 373 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,929 Hello. — hello! Hello. 374 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,640 Everyone, um... Until I get to the bottom of this 375 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,893 my retirement is officially postponed. 376 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,246 Whoo! — crowd cheers and applauds 377 00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,188 Eleanor laughs — hello! 378 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,649 Janet: Hello! Hello! 379 00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:32,403 Ya gotta admit, I kinda nailed it. 380 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,031 All we have to do now is keep the secret forever. 381 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,575 J dog, you cool? — no. 382 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,078 By the time I got to the pinata all the candy was gone. 383 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:42,695 He's not going to tell anyone. 384 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,999 Chidi? Cheedster? 385 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,043 What's, uh... happening, buddy? 386 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:50,504 You have a crazy look in your eye and you're retreating into your shirt. 387 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,340 You're kind of like turtling. 388 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:56,986 Henry, are you all right? What happened? 389 00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,680 I have an aneurysm, requires emergency surgery. 390 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,474 Doctors give me a fifty—fifty chance 391 00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:05,269 so if there's anything you need to say to me, you should do it now. 392 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:09,940 Oh, well, actually, um... 393 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,527 They let you wear your boots in here? 394 00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:15,411 They're the only things that bring me comfort. 395 00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:16,530 That, and my wife. 396 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,824 But she's out getting me a pair of backup boots. 397 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,828 She says it's my incentive to make it through. 398 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,279 What did you want to say to me? 399 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:32,380 Oh, um, just that I'm here and I love you, man. 400 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:35,174 I love you, too, boot brother. 401 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,718 Okay. 402 00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,763 Chidi groans — had 'em sharpened. 403 00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:42,139 Uh, yeah. 404 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,728 Chidi! You didn't have to stay here all night. 405 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,939 So, surgery went well? All clear? 406 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,482 Right as rain, buddy! 407 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:56,487 That is so, so, so great. I hate your boots. 408 00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:58,948 What? — I told you that I loved your boots 409 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,952 three years ago, and I was lying, and that lie has haunted me ever since. 410 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:04,763 And people tried to tell me it was fine 411 00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,890 just a nice little white lie in the form of social niceties 412 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,309 but I disagreed, and then yesterday I thought you were gonna die 413 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,127 but now you're not dead and I can finally 414 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,546 be honest and say that those boots are terrible 415 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,673 and hideous and I hate them. 416 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,175 Whoo! 417 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:22,972 This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors. 418 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,349 Yeah. I know. And I get it. 419 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,103 I don't care that she came back 420 00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:32,857 or that we did it for a good reason, I can't live with this lie. 421 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,900 I'm going to confess to the murder of Janet. 422 00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:36,110 Eleanor laughs 423 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,696 what? 424 00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:44,869 Dude, why? Janet is fine! We didn't harm her at all. 425 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,121 We didn't? Hey, Janet? 426 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,247 Janet beeps: Hello! 427 00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,957 Hello? — Janet: Hello! 428 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,710 Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet? 429 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,713 A, b... Janet! 430 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,465 She knows her a, b—janets! 431 00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:01,761 She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby! 432 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,513 And even if she were ok, it would be too painful for me 433 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,056 to live with these lies. 434 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:07,808 What are you talking about? 435 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,478 It is so easy to live with a lie. 436 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:15,232 I once pretended to have a terminal illness to meet Scott wolf at a sunglass hut. 437 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,610 A victimless crime. 438 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:22,448 Fine. I won't say anything, because I promised to help you 439 00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:25,075 and the moral implications... — Eleanor sighs 440 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,368 of everything that we've done 441 00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,996 are so complicated that I may never untangle them. 442 00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,290 But I hate lying. I always have. 443 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,418 And this is going to eat me up inside, forever. 444 00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:37,505 You might be able to shrug this off and forget about it, but I never will. 445 00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:41,967 Hello. 446 00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:44,303 Hello. 447 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,889 Hello. 448 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:48,015 Jianyu. 449 00:21:50,518 --> 00:21:52,937 Michael? Janet said you wanted to speak to me. 450 00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:56,607 But actually, she was just drooling a lot and saying "hello" 451 00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,193 over and over again, but she did point at you. 452 00:21:59,902 --> 00:22:00,986 I owe you an apology. 453 00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:05,533 Oh, no you don't. No, um... but please continue. 454 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:11,372 You were only trying to help. And I let my sadness cloud my judgment. 455 00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,291 You're a wonderful person. 456 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:18,754 And if I ever do have a retirement party, I hope you plan it. 457 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,137 Michael sighs: Thank you for gathering, everyone. 458 00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,223 I want to keep you all updated. 459 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:30,683 Here's what we know. 460 00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,977 Someone slaughtered Janet. 461 00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:35,604 Oh, boy. Oh, boy. 462 00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:38,274 Okay. Easy. — Michael: I assume that this horrifying act 463 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,402 is somehow related to the other issues we've had here. 464 00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,322 It also means that the problems in this neighbourhood 465 00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:48,367 are not one hundred percent my fault. 466 00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,912 There is something else at work here. 467 00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:56,500 If anyone has any information about any of this 468 00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,628 I beg you. Tell me. 469 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,425 Hey, I love you, man. 470 00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:09,972 Michael? The problem in the neighbourhood... 471 00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:12,516 Is me. 472 00:23:12,975 --> 00:23:14,310 Crowd gasps 473 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:18,689 I was brought to the good place by mistake. I'm not supposed to be here. 36222

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