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1
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There's no escaping it.
2
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The problem...
3
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Is me.
4
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Everyone gasps — and now...
5
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I have to leave you.
6
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Forever. — chidi: Michael...
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You can't be the problem.
8
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Oh, but I am.
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You see, architects aren't supposed to live
10
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in the neighbourhoods they design.
11
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But I love humans so I wanted to try.
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I took something great and I ruined it
a little so I could enjoy it more.
13
00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:34,451
I "frozen—yoghurted" the neighbourhood.
14
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My meddling is the one true constant
in all of our disasters.
15
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:45,754
I tried to force jianyu into opening up,
which caused a sinkhole to open up.
16
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:50,968
I kicked a puppy into the sun,
and garbage rained down.
17
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,805
I grossly underestimated
the number of shrimp needed
18
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:55,968
for the opening night party
19
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and what flew through the sky the next day,
taunting me for my failures?
20
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,730
Michael:
I'm sorry, everyone, I'm truly sorry.
21
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Janet? — Janet beeps
22
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please call a train to escort me
into retirement.
23
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,030
You see, the only way in
and out of a neighbourhood
24
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:16,201
is by train and Janet is the only one
who can operate them.
25
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:20,497
Oh, my dear Janet.
Will you be okay after I leave?
26
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Yes. This will not affect me in any way.
27
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,169
Geez, show some compassion!
28
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Well, I can't feel "sad" but here's my best
approximation of human crying.
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Bah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah!
30
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Ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah!
31
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Oh, Janet. That was beautiful.
— yeah.
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What did you say to him?
Did you make him do this, somehow?
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Nope! This was entirely his idea.
34
00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:00,454
Dude, this is good news.
35
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:04,207
Michael's gonna get a chill retirement
which, frankly, he desperately needs
36
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:06,126
and I can finally relax.
37
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,962
It's forking perfect!
— no, it's terrible.
38
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,465
Michael's wrong, he's not the problem.
39
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,425
Well, Michael did bring me here
40
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,094
which was the mistake
that led to all the other problems
41
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:20,057
so in that sense he is the real problem.
42
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Ha! How do you like them ethics?
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I just "ethics—ed" you in the face, chidi!
44
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It doesn't change the fact
that we weren't truthful.
45
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:32,694
There's an old Chinese proverb
"lies are like tigers, they are bad."
46
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,238
That's it?
— It's more poetic in mandarin.
47
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,991
Look. Michael is retiring.
48
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:42,079
He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere
smoking moonbeam cigars.
49
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,582
Now, tahani is throwing him
a goodbye party. Let's go help out.
50
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:49,252
Sure, that will more than make up
for the pain and misery and lying.
51
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,837
Yes! Now you're getting it!
52
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:57,886
Hey, chidi! Just read your article
on logical positivism, so dry.
53
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Oh, thanks, Henry.
54
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,264
Whoa. New boots?
55
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,391
Oh! Yeah!
56
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:05,936
Just got 'em. Saw them in the store
and I was just like, "whoa!"
57
00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,397
And tell the truth. Do you like them?
58
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,065
Oh.
59
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,402
Oh, yeah. — yeah? You think so?
60
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,765
They're... they are really cool.
61
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:16,071
Not too red? — no.
62
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,322
Crystals are not too much.
63
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,550
Crystals are not too much.
— they point just right, right?
64
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,034
Just... just enough.
— just fine. Ha!
65
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:24,180
Well, that makes me feel so much better.
'Cause I was really going back and forth
66
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,682
over whether they were worth the money.
67
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,746
They were super expensive.
68
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,459
Yeah. Well, they're, uh... amazing.
69
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,026
I mean those are the coolest boots
I've ever seen in my life.
70
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,673
Thanks so much, buddy. — bye.
71
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,259
A bell tolls
72
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:40,262
my god. What have I done.
73
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,307
Tonight needs to be the perfect blend
74
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,685
of celebratory, reverential
75
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:50,063
bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless.
76
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,900
This is hashtag "tahani time"!
77
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,819
What is all this?
78
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:59,573
Oh, no! Michael, you're not supposed
to see it until it's all set up.
79
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,408
But, well...
80
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,910
Welcome to your retirement party!
81
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:07,205
Look over there. I've even set up a buffet
of themed desserts, like
82
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:10,584
retire—mint chocolate cake...
Or a "flan voyage!"
83
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,002
Oh, boy. — oh...
84
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,255
And here we have a pinata shaped like you,
which is always fun.
85
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:18,300
By the way, what's your favourite colour,
for the tablecloths?
86
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:23,013
Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes.
It's called "pleurigloss."
87
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,681
Could you describe it?
88
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:26,725
It's the colour of...
— Michael sighs
89
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,480
when a soldier comes home from war
and sees his dog for the first time.
90
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,732
Hmm. How about blue?
91
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,818
Tahani, I'm so sorry.
We need to cancel this party, immediately.
92
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,320
But why?
93
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:44,075
For a being like me, "retirement"
is not something "fun."
94
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,787
What is "retirement," for you, exactly?
95
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,331
Well, I wasn't going to share this,
so as not to upset you
96
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,959
but it's an extreme form of punishment.
97
00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,670
We call it "the eternal shriek."
98
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:57,672
My soul will be disintegrated
99
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,802
and each molecule be placed on the surface
of a different burning sun.
100
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,553
And then my...
101
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,599
My "essence" will be scooped out of my body
with a flaming ladle,
102
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,351
and poured over hot diamonds.
103
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,394
Oh, but, the diamonds sound lovely.
— they're not.
104
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,522
Chidi groans
— and then what's left of my body
105
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,566
will be endlessly beaten
with a titanium rod, like a...
106
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Like a pinata. — yes.
107
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,905
Except you have the string
around my waist
108
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,825
but instead it will definitely
be around my genitals.
109
00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,535
What? — oh, Michael...
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I'm so sorry.
I was just trying to honour you.
111
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,957
Please allow me to reconceive the event.
112
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,083
Of course.
113
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,545
All right, everyone!
We're starting over!
114
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,047
The keyword for tonight is just "sombre."
115
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,400
Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to
get rid of all the party poppers
116
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:42,509
immediately.
117
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,094
No. No. Not by using them!
118
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,805
No, jianyu. Stop it. Darling.
119
00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:51,017
Eleanor:
He's gonna be tortured? Dang it.
120
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,062
I was almost handed a perfect solution
to all my problems
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00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,982
without having to work for it at all,
and now it's gone.
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Eleanor sighs:
Why do bad things always happen
123
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:01,903
to mediocre people
who are lying about their identities?
124
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:05,740
Okay, you have two options.
You can confess, and save Michael.
125
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:10,287
Or you can continue to lie and condemn him
to an eternity of unimaginable pain.
126
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,498
Or option "c", continue to lie about myself
127
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,500
and find a way to save Michael.
128
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,503
Can we somehow throw tahani under the bus?
129
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,673
That would be a classic two birds
with one stone scenario.
130
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,259
Plus I'll get her house. Three birds.
131
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,262
No. There's no way to stop this
except confessing.
132
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:31,057
Any moment now Michael is going to get on
that train and we will never see him again.
133
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,893
Just like professor lindeman
134
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:36,187
after I asked him to re—read
my thirty—six hundred—page manuscript.
135
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,457
He said he was going out for cigarettes
136
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,942
but then he just left his tenured position
at the sorbonne.
137
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Great story. Janet?
138
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:44,529
Janet beeps — hi there!
139
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,782
Hi. So, the only way out
of the neighbourhood is a train?
140
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,619
That's correct.
I am the only one who can call the train
141
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,120
and it needs me to operate.
142
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,747
Choo—choo! Janetlaughs
143
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,525
one more question and, um...
This is a little weird, but...
144
00:06:56,875 --> 00:07:00,170
Can we, uh... shut you down?
145
00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,379
Yes. Great question.
146
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,257
There is a kill switch in a remote sector
of the neighbourhood
147
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:07,510
in the event that I malfunction
and attempt to harm the residents.
148
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:10,013
If you press it, I will be destroyed.
149
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,183
Anything else?
— no, that's good. Thanks.
150
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,645
Okay.
— whoa. Wait. You want to kill Janet?
151
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,813
Michael can't retire if he can't leave.
152
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,025
He can't leave if there's no Janet
to run the train.
153
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It's a perfect solution.
154
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Eleanor sighs
— Janet, high—five please?
155
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,758
Janet beeps — thanks, babe.
156
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:29,783
Janet beeps
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you cannot kill Janet!
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00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:36,164
"Killing" is one of the most famous...
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Moral no—nos.
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Janet is a non—human object
who was sent here to help us.
161
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,422
And the way she can help us
is if we kill her.
162
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:48,093
We're doing one, small, "murder—y"
thing for a bigger, better reason.
163
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,595
The ends justify the means.
164
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,640
Do you know who said that?
— was it someone nice and great
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00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:54,766
like Oprah?
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00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,687
It was machiavelli,
a very non—oprah—like figure.
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00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,439
And what happens after we kill her?
We'll have to lie
168
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,150
to everyone, about what we did.
169
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:07,487
And lying is always wrong.
170
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,157
Chidi groans
171
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,661
why? Why would I tell Henry
that I liked his boots?
172
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:16,621
I don't like his boots. I hate his boots.
173
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,457
Yes, I know, you've talked about it
for the last two days.
174
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:20,750
I lied to him.
175
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,728
Allesandra sighs
— you wrote your thesis on kant.
176
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He believed that lying is always
morally wrong, no exceptions.
177
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:31,511
Yes, well, kant was a lonely
obsessive hermit with zero friends.
178
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,430
Sometimes we do things just to be polite.
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00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,658
If you really feel that strongly about it
— chidi sighs
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00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,725
tell him the truth.
181
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,395
Also, I don't care,
because it's the middle of the night.
182
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,064
Allesandra sighs
183
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,359
this is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.
184
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:48,862
They do?
185
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:53,700
Hey, chidi. Sit in on my class today?
— uh, I... I did, yeah.
186
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:57,495
Great lecture, by the way, so bleak.
— thanks, bud!
187
00:08:57,579 --> 00:09:00,999
Oh, it's actually perfect that you
are here. I got something for you.
188
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,961
Oh, my god!
— you loved mine so much
189
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,546
I decided to get you your own pair.
190
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,381
We can be boot brothers!
191
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,675
Wow. I... I can't accept these.
They're too expensive.
192
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,469
Sure you can. Try 'em on, mate.
193
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,054
The fact that you liked mine so much
194
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,598
really made me fee like I made
the right choice to buy them.
195
00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:20,643
After all, why should I have all the fun
and boots, aye?
196
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:21,853
I... I... I don't know.
197
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:24,981
Those look great.
198
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:26,982
Take 'em for a spin.
199
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,153
Chidi groans — you're flying.
200
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:31,821
Chidi groans — thanks!
201
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:36,201
Tahani:
Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone!
202
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,327
Michael?
203
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,412
Hmm?
— as someone who didn't exactly have
204
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,081
the steadiest parental guidance
205
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,751
I just want to thank you.
You were always there for us.
206
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,754
I shouldn't have been,
that was the problem.
207
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:52,383
Yes, but, it was also great
when you weren't there.
208
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:55,136
Don't worry, soon I won't be, forever.
209
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,554
Because of the eternal shriek!
210
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,139
Yes, thank you Glenn.
211
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,683
Look, what I'm trying to say is this...
212
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:03,853
Michael, you always kept us warm and safe
213
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,648
like a bright glowing sun.
214
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,234
Like the one I kicked the dog into
215
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:13,363
or the one I'm going to be burned
on the surface of for eternity?
216
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,866
Okay, no more speeches!
Speeches are over!
217
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,368
Michael's going to talk now.
218
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,705
Michael sighs — oh, I'm
sorry I was so grumpy. It's just...
219
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:28,169
I'm sad that I have to leave before
doing all the human things
220
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,420
that I wanted to do.
221
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,841
I wanted to get my hair wet.
You know, I...
222
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:37,846
I wanted to pull a hamstring,
to learn the difference between
223
00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,931
"toward" and "towards".
224
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,851
I wanted to do that thing
where you walk down the hallway
225
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:47,522
and someone else is walking the other way,
and then you both lean to one side
226
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:52,110
and then the other, and then you both
chuckle over your shared foible.
227
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,696
Antonio laughs
— Michael: I wanted to get a rewards card
228
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,156
any rewards card.
229
00:10:57,365 --> 00:11:00,702
I... I wanted to talk briefly to someone,
and then say
230
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,328
"take it sleazy."
231
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,999
I wanted to eat a saltine.
232
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,961
Oh, I actually have some saltines!
Here, try this.
233
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,173
Michael crunches
234
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:17,802
pretty dry...
235
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:19,971
And too salty.
236
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,516
Well, going out on a real low note, here.
237
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,185
Okay, bye, everyone.
238
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,061
Well, take it sleazy!
239
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,063
You got to say it?
240
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,191
Yes, but then you say it back.
241
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,902
No, it's not organic.
242
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,492
Janet, how many "Janets" have there been?
243
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:44,162
There have been twenty—five generations
ofjanet
244
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:48,416
each new update of Janet gains more wisdom
and social abilities.
245
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,753
Fun fact, the first
Janet had a click wheel.
246
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,214
So, it's like aging, for a human.
247
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,673
You're... you're growing up.
248
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,607
That's how I like to think of it, chidi.
249
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:01,054
I can't eat, so every time
there's a new version of Janet
250
00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,847
I like to take a piece of birthday cake
251
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,183
and smash it around where my mouth is.
252
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:11,481
Janet has... has learned and grown,
she's essentially living a life.
253
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,359
We can't kill her.
— not with that attitude we can't.
254
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:19,155
Listen man, I'm dead, you're dead,
we all died, and now we're killing her.
255
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:20,907
Pay it forward!
256
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,284
Uh, no... that's not what that means,
at all. Eleanor!
257
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:25,828
Here we are!
258
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:29,332
Just press that button,
and it's "goodbye, Janet!"
259
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:31,125
Chidi groans
260
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,587
chidi, I can see that you're worried
and I just want to assure you
261
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,632
I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.
262
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,217
Thank you. That helps.
263
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:43,179
However, I should warn you
I am programmed with a fail—safe measure.
264
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,975
As you approach the kill switch,
I will begin to beg for my life.
265
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:51,813
It's just there in case of an accidental
shut down, but it will seem very real.
266
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,482
Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?
267
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:55,692
Oh, uh, I...
268
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:59,028
I think I have to.
Being a bystander seems worse, somehow.
269
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:00,863
Chidi sighs
270
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,323
okay, here we go.
271
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,535
Chidi, no, no, no.
Chidi, please, please
272
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,287
please don't hurt me.
I don't want to die!
273
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,650
Please, please...
— chidi screams
274
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:12,709
again, I am not human.
I can't die.
275
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:18,381
I am simply an anthropomorphised vessel of
knowledge built to make your life easier.
276
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:23,678
Your pleading seems so real! —
Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail—safe.
277
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:27,348
Ugh. You want a robot killed right
you have to do it yourself.
278
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,327
Eleanor, Eleanor, no, no, no,
please, wait, wait, wait
279
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:31,436
Eleanor, I have kids.
280
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:37,066
I have three beautiful children Tyler,
Emma, and little, tiny, baby Phillip.
281
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,830
Look at Tyler, Tyler has asthma,
but he is battling it like a champ!
282
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,030
Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them.
283
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,781
Look at them!
284
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,105
Look at them! — Eleanor screams
285
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,161
ah! It's so realistic!
— Eleanor, again, I am not human.
286
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,413
This is a stock photo of the crowd
287
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,707
at the nickelodeon kids choice awards.
288
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:53,958
Eleanor sighs — that's right.
289
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:56,627
It's not real. Let's just do this.
— right.
290
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,147
Please, I have so much to live for!
No, no, no!
291
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,733
What? We're... we're not even near the...
— hey guys, what's going on?
292
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:04,302
That party was lame, so I bailed.
Then I saw you, so I followed you here.
293
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,971
Oh, look, a button!
— no, don't no!
294
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,097
No, don't.
295
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,227
Power turns off
296
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:17,565
power thuds to a stop
— Janet crashes to the ground
297
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,692
aw, man!
I wanted to push that button!
298
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,486
Not cool, dude.
299
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,113
Whoa, what happened to Janet?
300
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,949
She's... she's dead.
I... I... I killed her.
301
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:30,203
Not killed. Remember,
Janet was not a living being
302
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,704
so she can't be killed.
303
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,374
Janet on screen:
Attention. I have been murdered.
304
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,043
Attention, I have been murdered.
305
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,754
Attention, I have been murdered.
306
00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,882
Attention, I have been murdered.
307
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,385
What do we do, Eleanor?
308
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,721
What do we do?
Chidi, you just murdered Janet!
309
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:52,058
We have to flee your crime scene. Run!
310
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:56,104
Janet repeats her warning many times
— sorry, Janet.
311
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:03,277
Janet on screen:
Attention, I have been murdered.
312
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,823
Okay, dude, crash course in getting away
with bad stuff.
313
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,368
You have to act calm and cool,
like you don't have a care in the world.
314
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:11,953
Chidi: Mm—hmm. — okay? Great.
315
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,082
Oh, wow, look, its "weekend at Bernie's"
316
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,251
use you're a dead guy in sunglasses.
317
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,545
Eleanor laughs
— we have fun, don't we, chidi?
318
00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,940
I have never been more stressed
out in my entire life.
319
00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:26,300
I know what you need.
— Janet, can you get chidi some weed?
320
00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,346
Oh, that's right, you killed Janet!
321
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:34,058
Search—party!
Follow me to the site of the alarm.
322
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:39,272
We will not rest until we avenge
the brutal murder of our trusted sister!
323
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,274
Crowd shouts: Yeah!
324
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,526
Chidi cheers weakly: Yay.
325
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:50,908
Janet's arm thuds
326
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:56,706
poor Janet.
We must give her a proper send—off.
327
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,834
I would be honoured to help plan
Janet's funeral.
328
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:04,547
Oh, tahani, are you sure?
I don't mean to add insult to injury
329
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:08,926
but my retirement party
was a tiny bit gauche.
330
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,137
Oh, no! Not the "g" word.
331
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:14,348
Oh, Michael, please,
please give me another chance.
332
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,560
It'll be the classiest event
I have ever planned.
333
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,145
Janet's funeral is going to make
334
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:22,523
the guggenheim foundation pancreatic
cancer summer classic 2009
335
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:26,611
look like the guggenheim foundation
pancreatic cancer summer classic 2004!
336
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:28,613
All right.
337
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,368
Just breathe in.
— Eleanor inhales
338
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:36,120
breathe out. — Eleanor exhales
339
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,830
think of your favourite things.
340
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,833
Ethics. Reading.
341
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,629
Drinking milk, after I take
my lactose intolerance medication.
342
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,881
Quiet movies. Fitted bedsheets.
343
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,383
Cool seeds. A new bookmark.
344
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,303
Unsalted almonds...
— those are your favourite things?
345
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:56,182
This is too much for me.
I can't maintain this fiction.
346
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,305
This is just too much for me, Eleanor.
— chidi sighs
347
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,522
Michael:
Well, Janet's been murdered.
348
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,608
That's a nice capper to this wonderful day.
349
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,528
I don't really know what happens now,
because_.
350
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,530
Janet has never been murdered before
351
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:16,285
only today, here, on my watch,
while I was distracted with a party that...
352
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,913
Tahani was throwing for me,
which I didn't want.
353
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,915
Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.
354
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,542
I'm not. I'm blaming you.
355
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:26,587
Anyway, what is there to say about
Janet that hasn't already been said
356
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:31,842
by the giant Janet alarm in the sky?
"I've been murdered."
357
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,388
I think that says it all.
— Janet: Hello!
358
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:36,596
Crowd gasps
359
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,351
Janet! You're alive!
360
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:41,811
Hello! Architect,
361
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:44,855
please enter your four—digit pin.
362
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,817
Uh, what is it...
Um, what is it...
363
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:50,695
Oh right, right, right.
It's my, uh, my birth year.
364
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,150
Oh boy, I gotta change that.
That's too easy to guess.
365
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,911
Janet, who murdered you?
366
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,515
Chidi groans: Oh, no.
— Eleanor: Shh...
367
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,498
Hello! — yes, hello.
368
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:07,378
Oh, yeah, uh,
her memory must have been wiped clean...
369
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,106
Eleanor sighs
— Michael: So now she's gonna have to
370
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,757
re—upload all the knowledge in the universe
371
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,193
which will only take a few days.
372
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,260
Okay. — hello.
373
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,929
Hello. — hello! Hello.
374
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,640
Everyone, um...
Until I get to the bottom of this
375
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,893
my retirement is officially postponed.
376
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,246
Whoo!
— crowd cheers and applauds
377
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,188
Eleanor laughs — hello!
378
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,649
Janet: Hello! Hello!
379
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:32,403
Ya gotta admit, I kinda nailed it.
380
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,031
All we have to do now is keep
the secret forever.
381
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,575
J dog, you cool? — no.
382
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,078
By the time I got to the pinata
all the candy was gone.
383
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:42,695
He's not going to tell anyone.
384
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,999
Chidi? Cheedster?
385
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,043
What's, uh... happening, buddy?
386
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:50,504
You have a crazy look in your eye
and you're retreating into your shirt.
387
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,340
You're kind of like turtling.
388
00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:56,986
Henry, are you all right?
What happened?
389
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,680
I have an aneurysm,
requires emergency surgery.
390
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,474
Doctors give me a fifty—fifty chance
391
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:05,269
so if there's anything you need
to say to me, you should do it now.
392
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:09,940
Oh, well, actually, um...
393
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,527
They let you wear your boots in here?
394
00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:15,411
They're the only things
that bring me comfort.
395
00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:16,530
That, and my wife.
396
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,824
But she's out getting me
a pair of backup boots.
397
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,828
She says it's my incentive
to make it through.
398
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,279
What did you want to say to me?
399
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:32,380
Oh, um, just that I'm here
and I love you, man.
400
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:35,174
I love you, too, boot brother.
401
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,718
Okay.
402
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,763
Chidi groans
— had 'em sharpened.
403
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:42,139
Uh, yeah.
404
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,728
Chidi! You didn't have to stay
here all night.
405
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,939
So, surgery went well? All clear?
406
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,482
Right as rain, buddy!
407
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:56,487
That is so, so, so
great. I hate your boots.
408
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:58,948
What?
— I told you that I loved your boots
409
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,952
three years ago, and I was lying,
and that lie has haunted me ever since.
410
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:04,763
And people tried to tell me it was fine
411
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,890
just a nice little white lie
in the form of social niceties
412
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,309
but I disagreed, and then yesterday
I thought you were gonna die
413
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,127
but now you're not dead and I can finally
414
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,546
be honest and say that
those boots are terrible
415
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,673
and hideous and I hate them.
416
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,175
Whoo!
417
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:22,972
This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.
418
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,349
Yeah. I know. And I get it.
419
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,103
I don't care that she came back
420
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:32,857
or that we did it for a good reason,
I can't live with this lie.
421
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,900
I'm going to confess
to the murder of Janet.
422
00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:36,110
Eleanor laughs
423
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,696
what?
424
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:44,869
Dude, why? Janet is fine!
We didn't harm her at all.
425
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,121
We didn't? Hey, Janet?
426
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,247
Janet beeps: Hello!
427
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,957
Hello? — Janet: Hello!
428
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,710
Janet, would you please recite
the English alphabet?
429
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,713
A, b... Janet!
430
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,465
She knows her a, b—janets!
431
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:01,761
She literally knew everything
in the universe, and now she's a baby!
432
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,513
And even if she were ok,
it would be too painful for me
433
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,056
to live with these lies.
434
00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:07,808
What are you talking about?
435
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,478
It is so easy to live with a lie.
436
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:15,232
I once pretended to have a terminal illness
to meet Scott wolf at a sunglass hut.
437
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,610
A victimless crime.
438
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:22,448
Fine. I won't say anything,
because I promised to help you
439
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:25,075
and the moral implications...
— Eleanor sighs
440
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,368
of everything that we've done
441
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,996
are so complicated that I may
never untangle them.
442
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,290
But I hate lying. I always have.
443
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,418
And this is going to
eat me up inside, forever.
444
00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:37,505
You might be able to shrug this off
and forget about it, but I never will.
445
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:41,967
Hello.
446
00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:44,303
Hello.
447
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,889
Hello.
448
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:48,015
Jianyu.
449
00:21:50,518 --> 00:21:52,937
Michael? Janet said you wanted
to speak to me.
450
00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:56,607
But actually, she was just drooling
a lot and saying "hello"
451
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,193
over and over again,
but she did point at you.
452
00:21:59,902 --> 00:22:00,986
I owe you an apology.
453
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:05,533
Oh, no you don't.
No, um... but please continue.
454
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:11,372
You were only trying to help.
And I let my sadness cloud my judgment.
455
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,291
You're a wonderful person.
456
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:18,754
And if I ever do have a retirement party,
I hope you plan it.
457
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,137
Michael sighs:
Thank you for gathering, everyone.
458
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,223
I want to keep you all updated.
459
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:30,683
Here's what we know.
460
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,977
Someone slaughtered Janet.
461
00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:35,604
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
462
00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:38,274
Okay. Easy. — Michael: I
assume that this horrifying act
463
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,402
is somehow related to
the other issues we've had here.
464
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,322
It also means that the problems
in this neighbourhood
465
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:48,367
are not one hundred percent my fault.
466
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,912
There is something else at work here.
467
00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:56,500
If anyone has any information
about any of this
468
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,628
I beg you. Tell me.
469
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,425
Hey, I love you, man.
470
00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:09,972
Michael?
The problem in the neighbourhood...
471
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:12,516
Is me.
472
00:23:12,975 --> 00:23:14,310
Crowd gasps
473
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:18,689
I was brought to the good place by mistake.
I'm not supposed to be here.
36222
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