Original subtitles

Good afternoon, Eleanor. What can I get you today?

Eleanor: Whoa! Lotta new flavours.

Michael felt bad about the sinkhole, so he wanted to give you all a little treat.

I recommend "full cell phone battery."

Whoa.

It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone was fully charged.

Oh, I'm so relaxed!

But they all look good.

This might take me a while.

You know what, Gunnar? Uh, why don't you go ahead?

Thanks so much, Eleanor.

Mm—hmm. — Janet: What can I get you, Gunnar?

Gunnar: Hi, Janet. Can I have some folded laundry?

Janet: Coming up.

Eleanor pants

chidi!

You'll never believe it.

I was at the frozen yogurt place

and I didn't know what I wanted so I turned to the guy behind me

and I was like: "Why don't you go ahead." She gasps

just like that! "Why don't you go ahead."

Oh... okay.

Dude, you don't understand.

I never did stuff like that when I was on earth!

But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons I didn't hold up the line,

I didn't even try a dozen samples

I didn't want, just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line.

You do that? — no, chidi. I used to do that.

Now I do selfless things, without even thinking about it.

I'm getting better. — that's great.

I'm... I'm proud of you.

So where's our yogurt?

Ugh, I forgot it.

Oh. Can you go?

I don't wanna go all the way back.

I ran all the way here and it was so hot.

I mean, I will happily get it because I told you I would.

Good person.

So, to sum up. Utilitarianism posits that...

The correct choice is the one that causes the most good

or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.

I like this one.

It's simple. Ugh. Screw all the other complicated theories.

Why didn't you start with this one?

Ah, but here's the problem.

If all that matters is the sum total of goodness

the you can justify anything number of bad actions like...

Torturing one innocent person to save a hundred or pre—emptive war.

Oh, dip, I get it! It's like, I knew this girl Sheila?

She was a black market alligator dealer, with a pierced jawbone.

Um. Okay. What?

Sheila was gonna get married to my boy donkey Doug

and make him move to sarasota.

It would have broken up my whole breakdancing crew

and donkey Doug was our best pop—and—locker!

So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops.

I framed one innocent gator dealer, to save a sixty—person dance crew.

Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the utilitarian dilemma. Well done.

Thanks! Um...

Ah, yes, jianyu?

Can I be excused?

Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini—waffles run out.

Oh, it's the good place. You can get all the mini waffles you want at any time.

So, I'm not excused?

Go ahead, man. — yes!

So, you want to roll right into another lesson?

I am revved up to learn, man! My brain is horny!

Can we take a little break? I've been standing at this chalkboard all day.

Oh, yeah. I get it. Oh! You could, um...

Grade my paper I wrote on the concept of Dharma.

Six pages!

And I didn't even do that thing where I tried to make it longer

by starting every sentence with, "interestingly".

Sure, I'll... I'll do that and

we can start another lesson.

Oh, I hope you are both enjoying this brunch. This is a fabulous jacket.

Oh, you're both so attractive. Hello, jianyu.

Syrup? — oh, right there.

Chatty today, aren't we?

Ah, tahani. I've been working on my western hemisphere brunch banter.

Tell me what you think.

"That new yorker article was crazy."

"You haven't seen Hamilton?"

"Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?"

Very well done, Michael. — Janet: Hi there!

We have a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis.

A category 55 emergency doomsday crisis? — mm—hmm.

Sorry, what is a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis?

It's nothing. It's a tiny little inconvenience.

Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room

where no one could see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

Device beeps into life

he gasps

it appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself.

This is very bad, Janet.

We have to go into the sinkhole, and fix it by hand.

Get the tools.

Sorry, can I be of any service? — ah! Tahani.

Didn't see you there... No, we're just having a slight problem

with the enormous sinkhole.

Yes, I meant to tell you. I walked past it last night and I...

I actually saw it get a little bit bigger.

He screams

it got bigger? Ah, well. That's so so normal.

This is the reaction I have when things are incredibly mundane and expected.

I'm going to leave now, at my regular pace, as I do in most scenarios.

Finally! Let's get back to it!

Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me what you're working with!

Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some blankets.

Great, I'll grab my sweater. Plus...

I can practise letting people cut in front of me.

Please. You go ahead. I respect you.

You're not just an obstacle for me getting what I want.

You know? Uh, I just realised that I have blankets.

So I'm going to take a nap using the several blankets that I already have. Good night!

Ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah! What's wrong? Out with it.

Fine, I'm just tired. Need a break. No big deal.

The way you're talking to me right now? "Everything's cool," "no big deal."

I know that move.

When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from

"I just bought weed from your nephew,"

to "I secretly befriended your ex—girlfriend last year

things got out of hand and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Wow. Okay, well, in this case, it really is no big deal.

Dude, you're hiding something. What's wrong? — nothing.

What is wrong?

Device beeps into action

jianyu second! Oh, well done, my love.

So where am I?

Eleanor sixth? Come on. Tahani scoffs

Oh, no. I'm second to last.

I barely made it.

Mummy, I made you this. It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden.

Thank you, tahani. It's very competent.

I made a bird as well.

I worked in reflective alloy

holding up a mirror to mankind and its

and its mistreatment of these defenceless animals.

Excellent, kamilah. I sense the influence of brancusi, and kapur.

It seems you're moving out of your structural period,

and more into conceptual abstraction.

Good eye, mother. I grew tired of objective representation.

I trust my audience.

My birdie has a hat!

Yes. Well done, tahani.

What's wrong? — nothing.

What's wrong? — nothing.

What's wrong? — nothing.

She repeats 'what's wrong' — he repeats 'nothing's wrong'

nothing's wrong. Would you stop doing that?

Okay, fine. You want to know what's wrong?

You are a full—time job.

I wake up there's Eleanor. I spend all day teaching Eleanor.

And then, it's "good night, Eleanor. Oh, this is a nice dream.

My grandma's here... wait!

She's got Eleanor's face! And tentacles for some reason."

Don't blame me for your weird grandma dreams. That's on you, dude.

And I thought you liked teaching me.

So now I'm just some huge burden for you? — yes! Of course you are!

I am in paradise!

I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake

with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.

That's your idea of "paradise?" That sucks!

You know, and I can't stop helping you

because then I am shirking my ethical duty.

It's an impossible position! — well, excuse me

for trying to stay out of the bad place.

You know what, if you're so stressed from writing on a chalkboard

why don't you just leave?

We could pretend to be soulmates in public

but other than that we don't have to see each other!

Fine with me. I'll move out right now. — fine!

Siren sounds

Michael: Good afternoon.

As you all may remember

a sinkhole recently opened up in the town centre.

The situation, sadly, has worsened.

Starting right now no one may go outside under any circumstances.

Leaving your homes could result in catastrophic damage

to you and to the very fabric of the universe.

Okay, bye!

Or we could both just stay here. — he sighs

Michael: We hope you enjoy your eternal stay in the good place.

Take advantage of our day spa, or Janet, a magical assistant.

Who can get you whatever you want.

And explore the grounds on one of our complimentary pegasi.

Do you mind turning that off? It's been playing on a loop for two days.

The whole neighbourhood is offline. We only get the welcome channel.

I would love to not watch TV

but you cancelled school.

She gasps

what have you done to me, you monster?

Look at all these dishes piling up.

I used to just throw them in the sink and they'd be magically cleaned by morning.

I did that. I cleaned the dishes. — oh.

Then what's up with these bad boys?

You are unbelievable.

Are you still upset? You're not over it yet?

How can I be "over" it? We haven't discussed it, or even spoken for days.

Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice "vacation" from your "full—time job."

Get your story straight, bro. — banging on the door

hey, guys? It's Michael.

She gasps

hi, Michael! What a lovely surprise!

Oh, I'd love to make small talk. I've been practicing, too.

I'm amazing at it. But I'm in a bit of a rush here.

This is Bart and Nina

they live right next to the, uh... Sinkhole, so...

They obviously need a place to stay.

I was wondering, as my assistant, maybe you could put them up for a while?

Oh, of course. Don't... don't think twice. — okay. Shouldn't take long.

Between an hour and, um... eleven months.

Somewhere in there. Okay, bye!

Don't go outside.

Door slams

Eleanor laughs — Nina laughs

We're doomed.

Dude. You need to chill the fork out.

How? We are living a lie. — she sighs

we are fighting and one small mistake could blow our cover

and make the whole world go crazy.

All we need to do is make a little small talk.

Just say things that aren't lies.

Like, isn't Eleanor super hot? Or, I'm chidi, I lost my virginity to a book.

Tea's ready!

Thank you guys so much. Sorry for the imposition.

Oh, bah!

If you want to know the truth, we asked Michael if we could stay with you.

We are obsessed with your relationship.

Always whispering, locking yourself in the house all day.

I thought I was an expert in true love 'cause of my old job

but I have a lot to learn from you guys.

Your job? What was your job?

I was a marriage counsellor.

You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships

and I did! — Bart and Nina laugh

it's called "how to spot problems in a marriage from 100 miles away."

Oh! Cool — oh, cool

yeah, really cool. — cool. Cool.

Cool. And what about you, Bart?

Ah, well, my job wasn't nearly as interesting.

Nah, I started a company that investigated identity theft.

Analysing body language, tracking and catching people

pretending to be someone they're not.

It was snooze, am I right? — they all laugh

you know what? Forget this tea. Who wants too much wine?

Nina: Oh! — everyone laughs

hello, everyone

and welcome to day three of our brunch siege!

I stayed up all night to plan a full day of fun activities

just check the schedule I made!

Tahani, you are truly the best. — woman: Hear! Hear!

Yes, you would think so, wouldn't you, henriette?

Display beeps into life

still second to last? — tahani sighs

string quartet plays in the background

tahanl

this auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure.

Five—point—two million isn't bad.

It's very "middle—thermometer."

Your public failure is our public failure.

You know what has to be done.

Tahani: I'm very pleased...

To announce that there has been an addition to today's docket.

I'm sure you all know my sister kamilah.

Crowd cheers

yes. Kamilah.

Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford university.

She's a eurovision award—winning singer—song writer

a world—class painter, social activist

sculptor, olympic gold medallist for archery

an iconoclast

a bafta award—winner for her documentary on her grammy award—winning album

and the person voted "most likely to be banksy."

Audience members laugh

so without further ado take it away from me!

Sorry, I mean take it away, kamilah!

Audience applauds

I am auctioning off a lunch date with me.

Audience members gasp

the bidding shall commence at three million pounds.

You're bidding?

Of course. It's an hour with kamilah ai—jamil!

Five million!

Display beeps off

wow. You guys must really love clowns, huh?

Would two people who didn't love clowns have this many clowns on their walls?

It must be great to live with such a positive person. Huh, chidi?

Eleanor chuckles — well, it's um... at times it's... person.

Ugh. That's my chidi.

One glass of wine, he's totally useless.

All laugh

you know what you need right now, dear?

To get into something more comfortable

like one of your trademark taupe v—neck sweaters.

You know how strongly I feel about those.

Bart: Aw. — Nina: Ooh..

Chidi groans — Nina: So cute.

Eleanor: Oh, love, love, love!

Love, love, love!

You couldn't think of one thing to say? Get your head in the game, man.

They're gonna catch us.

This is an extremely precarious situation. I am vexed, Eleanor!

A marriage counsellor and a human lie detector

isn't my first choice for company either, but they have no reason to suspect us.

Plus, I think they may have actually just come here to, you know?

Swing.

I say we do it.

It'll get them to stop asking questions.

I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me.

Really? You and I are very different.

Yeah, lnoficed. — you know what, man?

I have spent every second in this place worried I was gonna get caught

but if we go down right now, that's on you. Okay?

Oh, you spend all your time teaching a charming, awesome lady?

How sad for you. Face it, dude.

I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. Because guess what, chidi? Ya basic.

Eleanor. — yeah, I know. You wanna do that thing

where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like "whoa, this is hot,"

and we start making out? Dream on!

Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.

No! Eleanor, look.

So, how much of that did you hear?

We couldn't hear you but I'm an expert in non—verbal communication

and it is clear you are in conflict.

We're not judging you. This has been a tough couple of weeks.

I'm sure the... the stress of the sinkhole has caused lots of soulmate squabbles.

That's what it is! A squabble. We're squabbling. — squabble—squabble!

I can help. I'm going to take your relationship

and put it under a microscope

and dig and poke and prod

until you are back to soulmate Harmony.

Eleanor, why don't you tell...

She never does the dishes. I have to do them all the time.

We just have different interests. — mm—hmm.

I like relaxing, he likes getting on my case about the dishes.

I'm getting a lot of repressed anger.

I suspected this when I arrived, but now I'm sure.

You are hiding something.

What are earth would I be hiding? — no, no, no, not you...

Him.

Please go back inside.

It isn't safe to be out of your home. Please go back inside.

Michael: Janet, could you see what's wrong?

Everything.

Oh! — he sighs

my goodness. It's even worse than I thought.

Tahani, what are you doing here?

Well, everyone else might be okay staying inside, but I wanted to help.

So I brought some cheer and sustenance, to raise your spirits.

Look, I made donut holes.

Do you get it? Donut holes, sinkhole. Funny, no?

No, too soon. By exactly nine days.

Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly dangerous.

If a human gets too close to it there could be disastrous side effects.

Whirring noise — what's... what's happening to me?

Ooh, that's one of the side effects.

Janet, knock her out, while we still have time, please.

Knock me out? What does that... — beeping sound

body thuds

guys, really, it's no big deal.

"It's not a big deal" is nearly always code for "something is wrong."

Boom! That's what I said!

I should've been a marriage counsellor.

Lets take the positive aspects of this relationship.

Let's focus on that first.

What do you do to make Eleanor feel valued?

I spend every waking moment thinking about her and supporting her.

Beautifully said.

Eleanor, what do you do to support chidi?

Taught him how to reheat cold pizza with a curling iron.

But this isn't about me or my awesome life hacks.

He's hiding something, and we need to get to the bottom of it.

She's right, chidi. Out with it.

What is so unsatisfying about your soulmate relationship?

Be honest, chidi. Be like...

The exact right amount of honest

so that we can both be happy.

I never had a soulmate on earth.

I never even really had a girlfriend that I loved.

And when I got here and Michael said I would finally meet my actual soulmate

I was so excited. And it isn't...

Exacfly_.

What I thought.

You've never had an intense relationship before.

This is all uncharted territory.

No wonder you're so tense! — Bart laughs

you know, Nina and I are skilled in the art of massage.

Not erotic massage. — mm.

Although it can be, it often leads there anyway. — Eleanor: Okay!

Well, you know what?

You guys have given us so much to think about and I think we should go to bed.

Just the two of us, alone. Just us.

I know it's not the right time, but I told you.

You know after an emotional breakthrough like that

you guys aren't gonna do much sleeping.

Yeah, I know.

We're gonna keep our clothes. I'll sleep on the floor and we'll maintain a chilly silence until morning.

Chidi laughs — could you imagine?

Circus music plays — recorded applause

well, that's terrifying. — mm.

Tahani? Wake up, dear.

Michael, did it work?

Did I fix the sinkhole?

Am I a heroine?

No. You did something catastrophically stupid and we had to knock you unconscious.

Why in the world did you go outside?

Because I saw the rankings in the manual.

That manual is only meant to be seen by architects and Janets.

It's got some very sensitive material.

Plus some song lyrics I've been working on, and I'd rather not let people see those

until they're finished.

But, anyway...

Why did seeing the rankings unravel you so?

I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing.

Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament.

To kamilah, we have left sixty—eight million pounds

the home in Kensington, their yacht, and other assorted weekend boats.

But what did they leave their second—favourite child?

There's still quite a lot of money and property that goes to you.

There is one issue, however.

They have, um... Spelled your name incorrectly, in the will.

You've got to be kidding me.

It says, "we bequeath the rest of our estate to tahini." Like the sauce.

You know what? I don't want the money.

My sister can have it all.

My whole life I have lived in your shadow, but now I'm going to step out of it.

I am going to reach heights of success and sophistication you could only dream of.

Your cardigan's on inside out.

I know! It's a new trend that I am starting.

Just one example of how I'm going to step out of your shadow.

Oh, please wait. I'm obligated to say one more thing.

Kamilah, I'm taken by you.

Your very presence is magnetic.

I may be married and I've never been interested in any woman before

but my attraction for you goes beyond sexuality.

Though it certainly is deeply sexual.

Oh, for crying out loud! Come on!

Tahani sighs

oh, I'm sorry that I looked at the rankings, Michael.

But I just don't understand how I'm so low.

My entire life I have tried to be extraordinary

but it just never seemed to be enough.

Ah. And you thought you could increase your ranking by helping us fix the sinkhole.

Tahanl

tahani, the point evaluations stop the moment you die.

But also, out of literally billions

you were one of the most remarkable people on earth.

You have nothing left to prove, to anyone.

Beep sounds — hi there!

The sinkhole has begun to repair itself! — tahani gasps

it has?

Could it be? — but how?

Did I, "tahani saves the uni——" — no, no, no, still not you.

You had nothing to do with it. We'd better leave immediately.

Oh. Morning, chidi.

Michael just lifted the lockdown. We can all go outside again.

Say goodbye to Eleanor for us. Oh, she left you a note by the dishes.

And if you ever want to come to our house, break out the massage oils

and, uh... see what unfolds.

Okay. Great. Thank you, Nina.

Wind rustles in the trees

morning, teach!

Morning. What's this about?

Well, here's what I realised.

It's not just that helping me is a full—time job that you feel you have to do.

The real problem is that the more you help me

the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means

you'll never get a real soulmate.

I'm basically a utilitarian nightmare.

Chidi laughs

every ounce of my happiness leads to a ton of pain for you.

So, every time the simple fact of my existence

starts to burn you out

I want you to hold this up.

He laughs — at which point

I will leave you alone, for as long as you need.

I know we'll never be soulmates, but we're friends.

So I'm going to help you have the paradise you always wanted.

Side note, I can't believe this is the paradise you always wanted, but...

Chidi laughs

get in this boat, and read some boring French poetry.

She sighs

I... I've never actually done this before. This is... this is a theoretical fantasy.

How do you row a boat?

I tell you, it's good as new. Go ahead, if you want. Just here.

Whoo! See? You can jump up and down on it.

Hey boss, so you fixed the sinkhole?

Yep! Good as new! Crisis averted!

Everybody, have a wonderful day because I fixed the sinkhole.

I didn't fix the sinkhole.

Sorry? — I tried and I tried but nothing worked.

And then all of a sudden, this morning, out of the blue! Just whoop!

It just closed over.

Huh! How about that?

Well, as your assistant, I officially declare this good news!

No, this is terrible news.

I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor, and no idea what fixed it.

I want you to come to my office first thing in the morning.

You and I are gonna find this problem.